Generally speaking, I look forward to spending
Independence Day at our family retreat, up north
However that was not the case, this year, as
I experienced a personal yearning for
Independence based in the fact that
During the three weeks preceding
The Fourth of July, Steven and Ravi came to stay with
Us while their home was being cleared of mold, which
As you may remember, had been discovered after their
Hot water heater flooded the master bedroom, closet
And bathroom, requiring wooden floors to be torn up
Walls to be torn down—plaster dust swirling, all around— ...
While Ravi enjoyed the cool mountain air along
With her parents at our family’s cabin over
The extended holiday weekend, I, who adore
Play dates with my four year old grand daughter
Elected, along with Will, to enjoy five days of
Peaceful normalcy at home, thus offering
My brain quiet time in which to switch tracks from
Role playing conflicts arising naturally amongst
Mufasa, Simba and Uncle Scar toward sweeping
My mind back in time to that moment in the alley where
Joseph’s kiss had shocked twelve year old me
Senseless ... however, the fact that I’d found myself unable to
Make that switch from now to then as seamlessly as
I’d planned suggests my need to clear the air of
Any foggy mystery concerning the one aspect of
Brain function that insight on the part of
The neuropsychologist spotlighted as
Dysfunctional and therefore, in need of
Subconscious identification for years—namely
My sleep pattern, which has long been in need of
Personal re-adjustment though my defense system had
Bamboozled the conscious portion of my brain into
Believing that the wakeful nature of
My sleep cycles had been ‘Hakuna Matata’ until
Deeper truth, filtering through my wall of denial, opened
My eyes to this reality: Though I’d slept at least
Eight hours, each night, the emergence of
A deeply repressed inner conflict concerning
The Fixer, whom the conscious portion of
My mind had misperceived as retired, interrupted
My need to remain asleep for more than two or
Three hours at a time—so, I’d sleep, awaken, write, repeat
HA! Silly me!
Evidently, The Fixer has been quite active, 24/7, creating
Mayhem within my subconscious, and thus do we pinpoint
The primary reason why my think tank, feeling
Deeply worried, over taxed and wearied with
Repressing frustration, could not call forth my power of
Intuitive thought to calmly remain
Focused on storytelling as originally planned or even
Release today’s insight-driven train of thought until
My over-stimulated brain (in serious need of
Down time to relax) could reset itself so as to
Function so peaceably as to focus clearly and thus
Efficiently upon spotlighting this fact:
My processor has remained in need of rest for years as
‘Stated’ by the tension-stretched tom tom
Pounding away at my repressed need to relax and release
Stress-based frustration layering up ever more
Intensely inside my aching head
So what changed for the better once insight
Spotlighted My Fixer struggling to be free of
Subconscious lockdown? Nothing other than
My foggy attitude of frustration, repressed so deeply within
My think tank that the only conscious hint of
Its mega presence has been the Tom Tom banging away
At my wall of denial, over these past few months
And being that my mind has felt too wearied to clarify
The main root of these headaches, my power of intuition
Could not muster the mental energy necessary to decipher
The smoke signals, which continued to offer me
Sound reason to reconsider my need to
Re-adjust my parental role in my sons’ lives, today, so that
My perception of my current role actually matches
My sons’s perception of my supporting role, suggesting
My need to peacefully re-adjust my vision toward
Being a supportive character rather than ‘seeing’ myself as
One of the leads on center stage now that three young
Adults have morphed into middle aged men—OMG—
How in tarnation did my trio of sons spin so quickly through
Stage one and stage two so as to land with both feet on
Center stage three, spotlighting the fact that
My age is just a number until the ages of my offspring
Reflect upon my entrance onto center stage four, which
Literally feels like a painful kick in the head—
So—if knowledge-is-power then why are thension headaches still
Pounding away at my frontal lobe like tom-toms on the warpath?
Because my brain, aching within denial’s throes of
Repressed inner conflict concerning my current role in life
Has long felt need to relax, layer by layer, just like
A strained muscle that rarely gets a chance to
Untense—How do I know that to be true of
My current state of mind? Well, that was the ‘finding’ of
The neuropsychologist once we’d discussed
The dysfunctional nature of my sleep pattern after
She’d scored my battery of tests as being superlative in
Every area of brain functionality, and here’s
What was determined, which makes so much sense that
I’ve taken steps to readjust my habitual sleep patterns, which
Are newly recognized as having been in need of
Change for the better ever since The Fixer became
So stealthy as to be in cahoots with the gerbil, who
Runs on a subconscious wheel, getting nowhere
Fast while I’d believed my whole self asleep for
At least eight hours—though not straight through
The night while my deeply vexed (not at all
Relaxed) Fixer awakens my think tank to write for
At least an hour in the dark, sometimes more than
Once a night, suggesting that
My processor remains over-stimulated when
The rest of me falls fitfully back to sleep ...
So—with the neuropsychologist’s professional
Reasoning in hand, I’ve seriously considered and
Accepted the validity of her suggestion that
Even while I’m sleeping my brain will continue to
Remain overstimulated rather than relaxed as long as
My processor’s deeply taxed solution seeking
‘Modus Operando’ works toward solving
Conflicts that prove to be so complex as to remain
Beyond my control to resolve, being that
The primary root of my problem concerns
Family matters The persist outside of
My household, suggesting my need to remind
Myself that my trio of sons has been cooperatively
Absorbing and utilizing communication skills for over
Forty years, and as each one openly invites me to
Be a supportive player on his life’s stage, my continued
Good health at this late stage of my life depends upon
Calming my subconscious level of frustration by
Refocusing my think tank toward taking better
Mental care of myself especially since I know
My sons to be equipped with many more life skills than
Had been true of me when I was their age
And now, let’s address my frustration bursting at
Its seams, marinating in the briny possibility of
trump’s re-election each time this next harsh reality
Comes to mind—Millions of voters harbor
Fearful, negatively focused, prejudicial, egocentric,
Closed mindedness that narrows their viewpoints, which
Prove to be as morally corrupt and unethically
Power hungry as is true of our (shudder) current POTUS ...
Sooo, if at 75, I know my current energy levels to
Be waining and if I can do little more than
Cast my vote for pretty much any candidate who
Opposes trump’s egomaniacal mentality while
Subtly guiding my grown sons toward clarifying
How best to create change for the better in
A similar manner to the calm and loving
Step by step fashion that has proved true of
My personal ‘create your own life adventure’ then
Other than penning this memoir filled with
Life’s classic insights during daylight hours whenever
I feel free to write, my continued good health will
Depend upon sleeping soundly through the night
(Brief bathroom breaks being the exception)
Rather than interrupting my deep sleep
Rem cycles (at which time the whole of
Our brains relax) each time I awaken with
A compelling need to pick up my iPad and
Release a subconscious train of thought that
Focuses solely upon the betterment of posterity=—
Sooo, having refocused, most often now, upon
Relaxing my mind of inner tension, I’ve been
Enjoying weekly massages and am listening to
Spa music (on low) from time to time, throughout
The day as well as at bedtime at which time
I’m actually looking forward to feeling
Peaceful—no iPad allowed except for
The music, which being on a timer, lulls me to sleep
As to awakening in the still of the night
A low wattage book light and magazine prove
Much less stimulating than the iPad’s blue light, and
Being that I’ve slept straight through to sunrise during
These past few nights, I’m arising Bright and early feeling
Eagerly reinvigorated to greet each new day with a smile
In case you wonder why my EEG showed
A shadowy abnormality secreted within
My grey matter, my follow up appointment with
The neurologist, who ordered the blood test, MRI and
Battery of functional neurological tests, has
Yet to be recorded on my calendar; however
Now that an early stage of dementia or
Possibility of tumor has been ruled out
I can await a call from his office to set up that
Appointment with a sense of patient curiosity being that
Those worries (which had also contributed to
Interruptions of my rem sleep cycles) have resolved
As for now, I continue to feel self motivated to do
My best while working toward changing
Less than healthy sleep patterns, such as
Reaching for my iPad and staring into the blue light
While writing away during the night—no more
Fooling myself into believing
My Fixer to be retired when deeper truth
Suggests that she’s been hiding out, running
On that subconscious wheel, night after night, all along
And as changing unhealthy habits is far from easy
I have my work cut out for me since relaxing
A Fixer proves more challenging than
My first thought had perceived—on a positive note
Thank goodness, this work is within
My personal realm of control ...
No comments:
Post a Comment