The fact that I'd been a leader (a big wheel) for six years at my old school made me feel like the hub of my class—meaning that I’d unknowingly perceived of my friends as spokes, who’d shone the beam of our social spotlight directly at me. Since perception shapes each person’s sense of reality, reflection suggests that I'd unconsciously assumed the spotlight would move wherever I did.
As soon as I'd sensed which of two guys in my new school was the Leader of the Pack and which one seemed like a ‘nice’ bright boy, I had no doubt as to who was meant for me. Not the one whose hair was parted ‘straight on the right’ but rather the one whose blond waves were slicked back and styled with swagger, like Elvis (whose blatant sensuality was soon to sweep the female preteen population off its feet by ripping society’s modest constraints away.
From sea to shining sea, the weaker (?) sex would be seen screaming and swooning despite the fact (?) that Ed Sullivan’s T.V. cameras refused to show Elvis’ smokin' hips gyrating up and down during The King’s first, electrifying, nationwide performance. (Whoa—I need to catch my breath!)
By the way, at twelve years of age, naïve, prepubescent, little me never caught so much as a whiff of smolder in Elvis’s actions. In fact, the first time I saw The King of Rock singing, strumming and swiveling suggestively, I burst out laughing and summoned my parents into the den to see this guy who looked so silly that I figured him to be an up and coming comedian and—that’s the truth!
Sometime later—I’d watched a new friend (one of the first in our class to fill out her sweater) close her eyes while swaying in a trancelike state to the slow seductive beat of Love Me Tender. And what did I think when she burst into tears and dropped to her knees? I thought she was really weird—so utterly beyond my comprehension was the fact that, just beyond my wall of denial, youthful sensuality was budding all around me.
There’s no doubt that when it came to any hint of sexuality, my think tank remained engulfed within a self protective smoke screen so thick that I couldn’t see past the fog inside my head. On the other hand, when it came to The Leader of the Pack, I didn’t think, at all. All I did was feel—because—
All Mr. Cool had to do to plug me into a tremulous trance was—walk into the room. For some ‘strange’ reason, I never equated my reaction to Joseph with my friend’s reaction to Elvis. When it came to animal attraction—I didn't relate my natural instincts with that of animals, because I was—a person.
With time spent in reflection, this is what I've come to understand: Any brain within the animal kingdom that harbors the innate potential to call forth a sixth sense will draw us toward certain awarenesses while blocking out others. So just as I was ‘innocent’ of understanding the true nature of animal magnetism, which had drawn my spirit toward Joseph's on my first day at my new school, I was unaware of basic instincts associated with the 'dark side' of human nature. And thus did I feel as carefree as a lark until lightening struck this bird mid flight.
If that’s the bad news, then let’s check out the good: I was a high-spirited child with a hearty sense of social self confidence until my eleventh year. And as we glide, back and forth, across the timeline of my life, you'll watch my cock-eyed optimistic attitude play dodge ball with subconscious fears (which Mother Nature thought it best to repress when tragedy struck my family, repeatedly). Though my personality development swerved off of the beaten track at the age of three, thankfully, I am a human being, which offers me this advantage over the lower animal kingdom: In addition to depending upon basic survival instincts to fight, flee or freeze whenever danger draws near, I can also rely upon my Neo cortex to multi task in this way: My think tank has the expansive capacity to soak in a wealth of knowledge concerning the importance of gathering lost puzzle pieces whenever I feel an intuitive need to work courageously at diving through each next layer of the self-protective smokescreen that blinds my conscious awareness from identifying my subconscious fears, and in this way do I re-organize the bigger picture of my life until my insight-laden, thought-processor is clearly operating 'up to snuff'. (whatever that means?)
Once I grow up and consciously seek to heighten my problem-solving skills, you'll witness my Neo cortex formulating creative ideas, which, upon straightening out periods fraught with confusion, will strengthen my personal sense of well being. And thus will my spirit's sense of vim, vigor, vitality, and FUN be restored each time some aspect of life storms down on my parade.
In addition to relying upon my trusty think tank to take a licking and go on ticking, I'll not forget my good fortune at having been raised by a pair of loving parents who'd injected their strong sense of family values into the pathways of my mind. So in addition to unconsciously acquiring my primary role models’ daily habits, my think tank consciously collected an album of snapshots, highlighting the importance of love, friendship, adventure, fun, good health, emotional support, and—education—which took place in schools that provided well-funded learning environments in which bright, young teachers motivated children, who were eager to learn.
During my youth, a child’s imagination was free to develop while playing the day away. Rather than being carpooled from one structured 'practice' to another, I'd inhaled countless hours of independence along with sunshine and fresh air while riding my bike toward wherever my friends and I had chosen to play. And so it was that after school and on weekends, my mind soaked in playful attitudes; my spirit absorbed hours of imaginative play; and in order to enjoy an active lifestyle, throughout the day, my body was energized by home cooked meals, which I'd most certainly enjoyed. Bottom line, if the combination of home and school make up the most significant aspects of a child’s development then reflection suggests that, bullied or not, each time I caught my reflection in my mirror, the pair of lively blue eyes staring back at me belonged to one of the luckiest kids I'd ever met.
Another spotlight of good fortune highlights the fact that I’d no clue of having become too round until after we’d moved. Even so, the lump sum of all of those positively focused facts doth not trump two interrelated truths that I've saved for last: Life is unpredictable. And so is love. Why? Because both are fraught with conflict, which proves stressful.
If life and love are unpredictable and fraught with conflict then people of all ages would be wise to make attitudinal adjustments so as to live together within peaceful environments. And adjustments made peaceably during times of conflict call for astute problem solving skills, all around.
Therefore:
The earlier we soak up knowledge concerning the *Power of Potentiality within the Neo cortex, the better for all concerned. (On the other hand, better late than never!)
If the Neo cortex serves as a storehouse for experiences, knowledge, and insights (all of which heighten self-awareness) then the earlier we soak up listening, speaking, and problem solving skills the better equipped we’ll be to adjust our attitudes toward accepting the element of unpredictability. *By the way, as problem-solving skills soak into our minds, success breeds self confidence, which, in turn, decreases our need to call defense mechanisms (like denial, drugs and alcohol) into play.
As you may remember, self confidence had been my strong suit until my self image had been wounded by bullying, which took place AFTER I was introduced to my new class. So upon meeting my new classmates, I'd no reason to fear that these kids might not choose to pair up with me.
As it's always been my nature to throw my whole self into every aspect of life, I don’t dive into anything half way. And as my heightened sense of enjoyment included ‘seconds’ at dinner as well as ice cream, cookies and good humor—I was seen dashing outside with money in hand all ready to trade coins for chocolate coated treasures before the bell on the Good Humor truck rang its way past our street. No one ever had to say, "Annie, children in Europe are starving—clean your plate".
When growth spurts became timely, some kids shot up while prepubescent changes within others seemed stuck in a rut for quite a while. Some of us seemed to grow too tall and gawky—till small fry caught up. Just as some girls grew 'too' busty, too early, there were boys in our class who were too hairy. In short, those early birds caught as much teasing as had I with this caveat—age appropriate teasing and mean minded bullying part ways.
After my rough patch on that van, my mental awareness concerning growth spurts got stuck in a rut so deep that all I could see was the fact that skirts and shorts were looking much better on certain girls than was true whenever my reflection stared back at me.
So even if I’d understood the nature of animal attraction, nothing in this world could have made me believe that physical magnetism might draw Joseph toward me during the months that had followed my debasement in that van. On the other hand, while making sense of yesteryear’s confusion, today, it's highly possible that during those months when we’d walked our dogs down one alley and up the next, I may have been blind to a growth spurt of my own whereas Joseph was not … In truth, I can't see my way clear to stating that possibility as a fact, because over most of my life, my brain clearly needed glasses other than those dark lenses with which I'd peered at myself.
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