Saturday, December 16, 2017

PTSD: IDENTIFYING THE TRIGGERS CAUSING POST TRAUMATIC STRESS TO ERUPT

To be traumatized is to feel anxiety spiking but not be able to identify
A specific fear.

What are you afraid of, Annie?
I don’t know, I’m just terrified that something terrible is going to happen

To whom?
To someone I love or to me

To be traumatized is to feel a flood of grief stuck inside, which, remaining
Unnamed, sucks my spirit into a black hole as dark as an unmarked grave

Are you or any of your loved ones seriously ill?
No

Are you or anyone of your loved ones in danger, right now?
No

Then what is currently triggering the eruption of this episode of
PTSD that’s been scaring your mind and spirit half to death?

I can’t name it but I feel like danger is closing in
I can’t name why, but I feel need to cry ... maybe even scream ...

To be in a traumatized state of mind is to be unable to
Think clearly, as if most of my thought processor’s
Connection to mental clarity has been hijacked into
The past at which time an experience, which had proved so
Petrifying as to have rendered the think tank of
A small child incapable of understanding (much less
Reflecting over) the emotional complexity that she was
Feeling, because her sense of logic had not yet developed to
The degree necessary to comprehend whatever was
Literally taking place above her head so that
All her brain could depend upon were her survival instincts to
Kick in (fight, flee, freeze) whenever
Her neoCortex felt totally confounded and
Scared half to death concerning everything that
Her undeveloped processor had been unable to absorb and
Since her processor had registered no conscious clue of
Detailing that which had stimulated anxiety to spike so high as
To strike down her personal sense of safety, if anything about
A current event catalyzes so much as a hint of yesteryear’s
Repressed (unidentified) fear, anger or grief to re-erupt from
Within subconscious ‘memory, my adult connection to clarity
Disrupts so abruptly as to distort my adult connection to
Minute-to-minute reality, and as soon as
This unnamed trigger, which spontaneously disorganizes
My current processor’s ability to differentiate the present from
What’s past, shoots my defense system's wall of denial full of
Holes, a flood of yesteryear’s deeply repressed, unidentified anxiety
(From which my conscious connection to awareness had
Disassociated to save my sanity during childhood) pours forth from
The subconscious portion of my brain on a torrent of
Latent anxiety with no specific memory attached, rendering
My adult processor to feel sensations of reeling as would
A person, who can’t swim, having been tossed into
Emotional rapids, so turbulent and rocky as to
Come near to drowning my think tank’s awareness of today's
Sudden disconnection from personal safety until
My anxious brain activity calms down in a safe, peaceful haven, thus
Freeing the intuitive portion of my brain to be summoned during
Sessions of EMDR therapy to power up and call forth
My intelligence to connect with flashes of insight that specifically
Spotlight, name and (temporarily) tame whatever
Those triggers may be ... until a similar situation arises, sucking
My intelligent think tank right back into emotional rapids, again ... so
Thank God for EMDR therapy, which guides me toward building
A series of life rafts within my brain to which my processor
Clings until the strongest waves of unnamed anxiety pass, at which
Time my intuitive intelligence can, once again, arise and begin to
Shakily captain the steering wheel of my ship so as to
Dizzily maneuver my emotional compass toward retrieving today’s
Inner sense of balance by directing my conscious awareness
Away from yesteryear’s utterly confounding, terrorizing
State of being, which, left on its own, empowers
Each trigger to shoot my intelligence and spirit with
A stun gun that makes me feel half dead, gasping for breath with
No appetite for life throughout each next totally unexpected
Emotionally complex, intellectually baffling ride through
Yesteryear’s disruptive emotional rapids, yet again ,,, imagine
How sick of this vicious cycle my intelligence proves to be ...

When the inexperienced processor of a child is
Unable to process the complex nature of
An emotional experience so terrifying as to shatter
The processor’s connection to clarity then
Disassociation results, until sometime later in life when
All that’s necessary to hijack the clarity of
That adult’s intelligent, well educated thought processor is
A trigger, which releases a strange mixture of
Anxiety, anger and/or grief that feels
Every bit as intense as had been true when
The original terrifying experience had shattered
The young brain’s ability to fire off electrical
Synapses in an orderly fashion once
Each next attack of PTSD has been triggered, messing
With clearly connected circuits of mental energy, which
Upon disruption, leave the disabled portion of
The brain’s thought processor to fire off
Statically charged electrical energy for as long as
Any portion of a current event stimulates
Subconscious recognition of the original experience
And here is why my intuitive voice chose to
Pen the most transparent definition possible of MY brain when
MY intelligence is caught within the throes of
A current wrestling match between mental clarity, concerning
Today’s reality, and yesteryear’s grief struck, anxiety-producing
Sense of long lasting confusion:  Just as one clogged vessel triggers
A lesser heart attack than when three, four or five major vessels
Are blocked, the severity of a PTSD attack on
The healthy functionality of an intelligent brain depends upon
How many blockages are triggered to erupt, all at once ...
And over these past two weeks, my brain’s well practiced
Connection to intuition powered up in hopes that by way of
Cocooning within the quiet, peaceful safe haven of my home
Several traumatic fears, erupting in a row, as if a machine gun
Within my head had been triggered to shoot my defense system’s
Wall of denial full of holes, released several demons, lurking
Within, all at once, and as insight, concerning my having experienced
An onslaught of triggers releasing repressed fears before
My positively focused, well practiced, intuitive sleuth hunkered down
Has been seeking clues in hopes of collecting puzzling pieces so as to
Assemble the bigger picture in an orderly fashion, so that, little by
Little, the latent nature of my current rush of anxiety, anger and grief
Would be named, easing my intelligent brain’s temporary
Dysfunctionality to feel so tamed that if any of these triggers
Shoot my current connection to well being, again, insight, based in
These past two weeks, will flash through
My conscious mind, hopefully before my subconscious
Releases yesteryear’s blocked connection to woundedness to shoot
My processor’s intelligent connection to clarity as full of holes as
Had been experienced ever since Thanksgiving, when several
Triggers converged, like a machine gun, before
Captain Insight could instruct my basic instincts to listen up and
Not through a tarp over my ability to steer my ship to shore

Basically, this description of a highly complex episode of
PTSD serves to illustrate the unnerving negativity that
Undermines my cheerful, well-organized, positively focused
Mind, so just imagine what observers might otherwise
Surmise if a person’s PTSD remains undiagnosed ...
Imagine inaccurate assumptions raining down upon
The head of a kindhearted soul, who feeling left out in
The cold where she's confused and alone can't figure out why
Unnamed fear, anger and grief dog her sense of well being at
The same time that whatever is left of her processor's connection to
Logic clearly acknowledges her good fortune to be
Alive, healthy and worthy of being well loved—and it's this
Example of mixed messaged madness, left over from
Childhood, which makes mincemeat of a person's self image, which
Is made up of an assortment of self conceived perceptions that have
Remained in a repressed (unidentified)state of hazy subconscious 'awareness' ...

As to which aspects of recent events mirror
(Catalyze) the original terror to erupt, thus disrupting
The greater portion of my think tank from reality so that
My thought processor's scattered feelings of deeply distressed
Mental disassociation becomes so distorted as to
Fire up an inner struggle in need of differentiating today from
Yesteryear, thank goodness, an astute diagnosis of PTSD, several
Years back, inspired my intellect to grow ever more
Knowledgeable about the adverse effects of PTSD upon
My psyche, today, so that, over time
The intuitive enhancement of my personal quest to
Deepen my conscious comprehension of
The complex nature of my brain's growing capacity to
Ably identify current events that stimulate the injured portions of
My brain to disassociate from today’s reality continue to
Advance, and with this self generated, positively focused
Mental change for the better, I continue to grow toward
Wholly embracing both sides of the intelligent adult, who
Plans not to remain a perpetual victim of
Childhood trauma, and as such do you find me feeling
Grateful for my power of intuitive thought, which
Serving as a positively focused conduit, connecting
The dots, guides my conscious mind toward
Decoding 'secrets' that my subconscious held separate from
My conscious awareness until I had the good fortune
To be referred to a psychotherapist, well versed in
EMDR, which encourages clients to muster
The courage, humility and patience to tolerate each lengthy
Spike of unnamed anxiety, which accompanies
Each disruptive attack of PTSD, known to
Disrupt peace of mind by spontaneously distorting
My sense of reality, and each time my power of intuition
Emerges so as to aid my processor to discover
Another unidentified 'secret' that has haunted and
Daunted my wholesome sense of well being from
Behind my defense system’s wall of emotional denial
I picture one half of my brain acting as would
A terrorist, holding a series of bombs with
Short fuses against the other side of my head, which
Upon being ignited by subconscious memory, blow
My connection to clarity, concerning here and now, to
Kingdom come, each time yet another
Sudden episode of PTSD is triggered by
A current event (striking the ‘match’ to the fuse that
Blasts my processor so far back in time as to
Create a time traveler of brain so that whatever
My defense system blocked me from seeing, believing
Or feeling back then to save the sanity of
The child I was, is released full blast ... but without
The original memory, which I attempt to recover
During therapy, attached ... so, thank goodness, my intuitive
Powers have come to recognize those times when
Another episode of PTSD is, once again, undermining my
Intellectual capacity to puzzle my way out of
Whatever today’s mental maze may be;  however
It’s imperative to note that my intuitive voice remains
Mute until my conscious mind is calmed of the intensity of
Striking anxiety, which otherwise runs interference with
My processor’s ability to reset my mental compass toward
Clear headed comprehension concerning connecting those
Dots until the bigger picture that had felt too dark to
See all aspects of its intricacies with clarity intact is
Actually in the 'process' of piecing itself together inside
My brain, today, and thus, the fact that I feel compelled to
Seclude myself in solitude (As I’d hidden in the closet as
A tot, because if I couldn’t see what caused
The fearsome noises that had erupted between the adults in
The aftermath of my baby sister’s death from SIDS then perhaps
My self protectived defense system would conspire
With fear, forever, in denial of anything of
Earth shattering proportions ever happening to me or
My loved ones, ever again, once our apartment quieted down, and
Thus by way of mental disassociation did I feel safe enough to
Venture out of hiding whenever reality got too scary and
Complex for the undeveloped thought processor of
A terrified child to comprehend with anything that
Reesembled clarity), so ... though awaiting the return
Of mental clarity, associated with listening for
My intuitive voice’s instruction, is always a pain
(As in no pain no gain), today, my think tank has gained
Insight concerning my brain’s growing capacity to
Heal itself from trauma so as not to languish
Overlong within the clutches of denial’s
Tension-filled, full-fledged attack of PTSD (which
Releases repressed emotional reactions, soaked in
Cortisol, mirroring my traumatized, closeted
Seclusions during early childhood, and as
Each repetitive experience provokes yesteryear’s
Unprocessed (unresolved) emotional pain to erupt, anew
I charge myself with mustering the courage, humility and
Patience that prove necessary to quell anxiety, which
Would otherwise run interference with my growing
Ability to curtail each next, more mild invasion of
PTSD from choking my thought processor so
Thoroughly as to extend the length of time that
Each distressing episode of unnamed fear boggles
My intelligent mind with a turbulent ride through
Yesteryear rapids, again  ... I mean
Thank goodness for EMDR, which has served as
The conveyance that continues to deepen my sense of
Insight so that these episodes no longer see me
Curled in the fetal position so tense as to be
Unable to move as had been my plight, four years back
During the weeks preceding and following Will’s
Cancer scare, which I’d define as terrifying but not
Traumatic (as dramatic differs from melodramatic) for
This reason:  My conscious memory is able to
Fully remember a detailed account of everything I’d
Seen and felt during those weeks when
A heightened sense of nervous energy devoured
As much as a pound of flesh a day off of
My shrinking physical frame until
My family felt need to encourage me to sip
Ensure in loving efforts to nourish my body (including
My brain), because starved of oxygen, nutrients and
The healing nature of sleep, my organs were deprived of
Their natural ability to function optimally, thus freeing
The scariest episode of PTSD that
I’d ever experienced to utterly overwhelm
My intelligent sense of clarity, and not until my intuitive voice
Coughed up the traumatized fear that I’d no conscious
Recollection of whatsoever until its kernel of
Deeper truth popped wholly out of my mouth was
I able to differentiate between a fear that I could name
And a trauma, which, having been blocked from conscious memory
I could not hope to identify without astute professional guidance
Guiding my way, and perhaps my intuitive voice, which is
Thankfully, penning this post, has just clarified reason to
Pinpoint that moment in time, because now I know which
Experience catalyzed my faith in my intuitive powers to
Powered up, and ever since I escaped from that
Terrifying episode of PTSD at home while being
Nurtured by loving family (whose presence had rightfully
Primarily focused in on taking care of Will) raised to
Brainstorm through frighting, confounding times with
Mutual respect intact rather than hurtling insults
At injured parties as though piercing hearts, already
Dripping pain, with arrows poisoned with blame could
Resolve conflicts or solve problems by way of solidifying
A family into a tribunal charging one person
100% innocent and the other 100% guilty of
Wrong doing based in circumstantial evidence when
The truth of the matter was this:
Throughout our whole ordeal of PTSD’s convergence with
Cancer,  I managed to keep my sanity intact by
Saying and believing:  My reaction to Dad’s cancer is
Being driven by an unidentified fear (trauma) that’s
Been repressed, and having felt emotionally supported without
Condescending judgements that would have slashed through
The last shreds of my wounded mind’s connection to
Sanity served as my salvation, because as loving
As my birth family had been, judgments fell from
Lips as naturally as had been commonly true of the generation
Preceding mine, because scientific advances in
Medicine, dentistry and psychology develop and
Saturate public awareness over time ...
As David and his ‘little brother’, Bryan are flying in
This afternoon, and Ravi is accompanying Papa and Gramma to
The apirport, and as today’s stream of consciousness feels
As though it’s ready to pull my processor into a rest station, that’s
All this intuitive conductor feels need to say for today, except for
Whew! 

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