Something very bad happened to me when I was a child
A person who won my love hurt me deeply
So horrifically that my defense system
Submerged every sensation of everything he did to
Hurt me so deep into subconscious memory that that’s where
The mental anguish I’ve carried forward remained lodged until
Recent years when any aspect of a current event that feels
Similar in any way to those terrifying moments triggers
My brain chemistry to resurrect resistant reactions that
Feel so dauntingly confounding and hauntingly terrifying as
If a ghost-like presence has swept my peaceful perception of
Personal safety into the fourth dimension, where
My sense of clarity feels so shaken back in time as to frighten
My strength of spirit to submit, once again, to the terrors
Experienced during my youth as if the specter of evil
Flies in from out of the blue to drag me down into the fires of
Yesteryear's personal hell where a foggy sense of guilt-ridden
Damnation attacks my self worth until I, reminding myself of
PTSD, feel need to seek out a safe haven in which to
Spin myself into a cocoon and calm my mind until such time as
My intuitive voice emerges on a flash of insight that
Challenges the conscious portion of my processor to
Muster the courage and patience, yet again, to tolerate
This most recent mind baffling eruption of latent anxiety, which
Heightens toward spiking, rendering my processor's
Well balanced connection to reality to feel so distorted that
My conscious awareness, feeling squeezed between
A rock and a hard place, attempts to swim upstream through
Emotionally charged quicksand so thick as to muddy up
The fact that, once again, my think tank and soul are wrestling
With an attack of inner conflict, pitting good against evil, and
This struggle for dominance between angst and inner peace
Continues until my well-developed inner strengths converge,
Cracking open the door in my wall of denial (behind which
Unidentified memories, pulsing with negatively charged energy
Torment today’s peace of mind with yesteryear’s unresolved
Distress) severing today’s conscious awareness from reality so as
To suck my processor wholly and blindly into my brain’s
Subterranean dungeon, which pulses with bulges of
Subconscious torment, where I grapple to regain
My lost sense of clarity for days and nights, sometimes for
Weeks, until yet another gruesome aspect of
Those horrifying, mystifying emotional reactions, which
Proved far too complex for the inexperienced, overwhelmed
Undeveloped think tank of an innocent child to process, cough up
The next missing detail or repressed emotional reaction or
Traumatic fear, at which time the adult I’ve conscientiously chosen
To grow to be senses a jumble of feelings, both furious and
Frightful rumbling up toward conscious awareness just before
An intuitive storm of well organized words gushes out of
My depths forming a geyser of insight-driven thoughts, which
Literally propels my self respecting spirit to stand up as
My body kneels down and my outstretched arm dives under
My bed, making a grab for the hitting stick (pool noodle), kept
Close by in readiness to soundly whack away at
My lifelong need to release this newest eruption of
Negatively charged energy, which has wracked my muscles and
Brain with inner tension in need of comprehensive relief whenever
An episode of PTSD is triggered to overwhelm
My personal sense of safety, and then, upon standing tall with
Noodle in hand, I can be seen assuming a fighter’s stance at
The foot of my bed where my self respect starts
Whacking away at (without damaging a thread of)
The beautiful quilt, covering my sheeted mattress with
All of my might as the depth of the terrorized plight of
The vulnerable child's gut wrenching wails can be heard
Bouncing off every wall in the room (after I've taken
Precautionary measures to forewarn anyone
Who happens to be home that I can feel another layer of
My wall of denial cracking) and in this way do the horrors of
Yesteryear, which have stuck to me like glue continue to
Emerge from within the darkest pockets of
My brain's subconscious hiding place, and as Ellie happens to
Be with me, today, she holds me as close to her heart as
A mother would a deeply injured, broken hearted child until
I feel a shift in my energy field as though the next layer of
My wall of denial has just dissipated into thin air, and replacing
The weepiness of a frightened child's broken sense of
Emotional reactiveness, somehow I feel
My spirit rear up like a wild elephant in protection of
Her calf as though a predator, closing in, has
Marked my baby, playing innocently just beyond
The matriarch's reach—as lunch, and as if 110% of
My hyper vigilant awareness focuses upon stranger danger
Creeping up in readiness to pounce on my inner child
The adult portion of my mind wraps my trunk around
A tree, which upon uprooting, I chase off the hungry
Call of the wild, which, unbeknownst to my conscious
Awareness has savagely, audaciously and repeatedly
Threatened to unseat the balanced state of my mental health
Over most of my life, and with hitting stick in hand
My spirit can be seen following intuition’s direction to
Power up and swing my left arm high above my head as
Fury. finally releasing, thwacks straight through
The electric current of inner tension, that’s palpably
Crackling through the air as the the ghost of a bewildered
Lonely, good little girl lands explosive blasts of full blown
Fury upon the mattress, as though each solid strike is meant to
Keep time with every direct, heavy handed word that
This voiceless child had felt too choked by trauma to
Whisper much less scream aloud until, today, when both sides of
My whole rose up, conjoined, and listened to my strength of spirit roar:
You hurt me!
You hurt me, again and again!
I was terrified and you didn’t care at all!
I hate you!
I did not deserve what you did to me, repeatedly!
I was not a bad girl, and I’m not a bad person!
You were evil—you sick damaged pedophile!
I've paid for your crime my whole life and I’m done!
I am a good person!
I deserve not to hurt deep inside that dungeon, anymore!
I deserve to feel happy, through and through!
I need to feel wholly happy!
Not scared half to death deep inside my head!
Just happy, not anxiously conflicted with need for
That wall of denial to damn up oceans of
Fear rising like raging rapids threatening to
Some day swallow my hold on sanity if
The emotional anguish that overwhelms
My intelligence doesn’t stop trickling into
Rushing rivers of latent pain that confound and
Sever my intellect’s connection to clarity until
My disconnect from today’s reality alerts
My intuitive voice to power up and ride out of
The dark side of my mind on flash of insight, which
Serving as my light saber, brightens
My conscious awareness to heighten with
Each painful growth spurt that I've worked
Determinedly to achieve during sessions of
EMDR therapy in which I rewire
My existential, innate need to feel happy and
Peaceful and joyful and
Lovable and worthwhile whether I can be of help to
Others or not—I need to feel grateful for empowering
My processor with the ability to reach in and
Get rid of you and your evil, bullying
Ghost-like presence, which continues to upend
My sense of inner peace, and I plan to accomplish
That mental change for the better while I'm still alive!
I'm sick of the triggers that repeatedly breathe life into
Yesteryear's fear, though I know that you can't
Hurt me, again—I've worked courageously and patiently to
Develop the inner strengths to exercise free will and
I will myself to break the bonds of fear of evil, which
Have stalked good hearted men, women and children
Throughout this dangerous world of ours ever since
The beginning of time—
I will the wholesome sense of my spirit's self-empowered
Preservation to exorcize the shadow of
Your sickness out from under my skin—Forever!
And while this soliloquy poured out of my soul
Ellie—who, over these past thirty-six years has come to
Know me better than most and whose mothering presence
Had held me close to her heart, today, while
I'd wept as though wrenching sobs could wash
Latent pain from muscles, tensed to fend off
The hail storm of misjudgments, which had pelted
My sense of well-being in the past by those who'd
Failed to fathom need to quest to answer why, over
The years of my childhood my skin was
Scratched raw, night after night (Annie's always been
Too sensitive), only to find the unbearable nature of
That tell tale itch worsening while dating during
Adolescence, until such time as I'd become
A beginner adult when my abuser could
No longer separate the calf from the herd—and while
I was seen adopting a fighter's stance in the ring, here
Stood Ellie, alongside me on the other side of
The ropes, coaching me on with:
Hit him harder! Keep it up! Picture him in Hell!
So, I did.
Holler while hitting him harder until I was spent.
And though I'm relieved that he's dead
I have to admit feeling unable to condemn my abuser to hell
For this reason: I know he, too, was abused as a child ...
Several factors triggered this most recent episode of
PTSD to erupt just before Thanksgiving—some of which
Prove highly personal, others societal—as to
The societal factors, not a day has passed without
Scandalous sexual behaviors hitting the news (which
I cannot watch but details, here and there, have
Assaulted my ears with dribs and drabs of
Disastrous acts perpetrated upon women and children by
Parents, teachers, politicians, movie moguls, and
Businessmen, who have felt empowered to devour
The healthy well-being of those who prove
Vulnerable to the voracious appetites inherent in
The bullying bestial side of human nature, such as is
True of Donald Trump, who pretends to be
The leader of the FREE (?) world—leaving
My renewed reconnection to heartfelt sanity asking—
Where is the herd of elephants, whose outrage will
Trumpet so furiously as to drive this leader of
Power-hungry predators out of
The White House, tarred, feathered and tied to
The back of a donkey, which, rather than braying
Demands solidarity of all of those whose actions have
Not yet succumbed to freeing the bestial side of
Their minds to power up, so as to join forces with
Those of the opposing political party, who demonstrate
The courage and humility necessary to
Sweep our governing bodies clean of the immoral
Corruption that has crippled the high principled nature of
Our Declaration of Independence and Constitution in
Time to save The Lady in the Harbor from falling to
Her knees, symbolizing the greater portion (I hope) of
The voting populous pleading for liberation from
The hypocrisy of a political hierarchy bent upon
Serving only their own selfish needs, as has plainly
Come to our attention—as to the highly personal
Factors that triggered this two week episode of
Unnamed, outraged, emotional inner tension that
Grew so great as to arouse latent fear to erupt so
Powerfully as to temporarily flood my processor's
Connection to clarity with anxiety, yet again—Well
That insight driven reveal is still awaiting readiness to
Be expressed for public consumption though
A quartet of puzzle pieces rode out of my mouth after
Hitching a ride on my self-empowering intuitive voice on
The Sunday following Thanksgiving after my belabored
Football team, teeming with injuries sitting on the sidelines
Managed to pull off a victorious win that very few
Sportscasters or die-hard fans expected to happen, symbolizing
This fact: The game of life is not over at third quarter's end
No comments:
Post a Comment