These words keep running through my mind:
“Absolute power corrupts absolutely” until ...
And that’s all my power of intuition was
Willing to release into my conscious awareness until
This next incomplete insight filtered out of
Subconscious memory, as though teasing
My inquisitive nature to arouse my intelligence to
Wonder if my mission, over this fourth quadrant of
My life, will be to gain and sustain a reorganized sense of
Mental control over the unruly nature of
My processor’s inner life by firing the task master, who
Beginning with my third birthday, has been known to
Creep around, haunting the darkest shadows of my mind, remaining
Vaguely but not clearly named until this very moment when
Clarity, bursting through this morning’s hazy stream of
Incomplete insights, is shining its spotlight directly upon
The culprit, who has grown to be my inner well being’s greatest foe
Because the ghost-like-presence of this fire-breathing dragon has
Continued to rise from the dead, re-igniting yesteryear’s
Traumatizing experiences to melt my strength of spirit into
A hot mess when I least expect the deep seated presence of
Repressed fury to arise, anew, out of the angst-driven portion of
Subconscious memory, as though casting an evil spell over
My cheerful nature so that rather than feeling yesteryear's unresolved
Fury welling up and gushing out, my think tank is, once again
Hijacked back to that fledgling time in my life when
The specter of sudden death darkened my little corner of
The world twice in a matter of weeks, capturing the adoring smiles of
Every one of my caregivers behind masks of quietly cocooned
Depression (born of their deeply confounded, repressed reactions of
Fury), which weighed so heavy on their spirits as to have crushed
Mine at a time when my three year old mind was too young to organize
Words into sentences so as to express my terrified flood of
Complex emotions with anything that came close to resembling
Clarity of thought, and thus did the weight of months of spiritually depressed
Deeply repressed, fearsome fury compress into a boulder, locked within
Subconscious memory, offering the adult, whom that child had chosen to
Grow up to be, no conscious clue of my need to seek a key to unlock
My subconscious in hopes of freeing a good little girl as well as
Good grown up me of undeserved guilt, which, having remained in
An unidentified state of 'being', had shaped up into PTSD, triggered to
Erupt with such a punch as to be empowered to knock out my spirit, which
Spirals straight down hill, hitting bottom as fast as a rainbow colored kite, flying
High through the bright blue sky, finds itself harshly yanked down each time
Its invisible string snares on a branch of a staunchly rooted tree, whose trunk is
The only thing left standing as icy gusts of wind whip branches, twigs and
Foliage, this way and that, during each torrential cloudburst, which proves
Indigenous to the climate throughout the Midwest where lightening bolts
Flashing down from on high during thunderous downpours, split
Tall strong trees in half from the tips of their umbrella-like crowns
Straight down into firmly rooted trunks whenever the malevolent side of
Mother Nature, which is also responsible for indiscriminately blindsiding
The mental development of healthy children, can be seen hurtling
A young person's budding strength of spirit, which serves as the life force of
Every living thing, to crash just as unexpectedly as that proverbial kite, leaving
The subconscious awareness of every person who's ever lived to be vulnerable to
Feeling thin skinned, now and again, based in the fact that no person escapes
Childhood utterly unscathed from suffering at least one heartsick rupture of
Such grave proportions as to have felt anxiety spike at the mere thought of
Mother Nature’s number one henchman, who goes by the name of
Fate, paying their family a visit with lightening bolt in hand, and as
That lightening bolt electrified my self-worth half to death, multiple times, ‘tis'
My good fortune to note that Lady Luck casts her smile in my direction, more
Often than not, plucking my battered spirit out of the ashes so as to
Encourage my self defeating tendencies to restrengthen by way of gifting
The young woman, who'd never really been as thin skinned as a kite, with
A trio of perfectly formed, healthy children to love and nurture, each of whom
Re-ignited my inquisitive nature to sense an intuitive need to encourage
Each of these wholly individual, unique, inexperienced minds to
Absorb a positively charged philosophy of life while advancing toward
Adulthood by holding hands with a life coach, whose intuitive voice
Spoke up ever more clearly with each passing year in hopes of encouraging
My menage of bright, strong spirited child to grow ever more
Consciously aware of adopting an attitude of brainstorming through
Life's trying ordeals by way of opening our minds to consider all aspects of
A problem or conflict from every angle, together, knowing that two brains
Operating on the same wavelength tend to ascend to a heightened plane of
Conscious comprehension, elevating the human processor's potential to
Inject a person's current level of self esteem with a well balanced sense of
Self worth, based in the accumulative absorption of deeper truths, and
As it turns out, the intuitive nature of that insight driven plan served to
Strengthen more than the self esteem of my sons as each one continued to
Amass such a plethora of successful experiences as to withstand winter's iciest
Wind storms much more staunchly than had been true of me at
Their tender age, and as one success led to another, my original plan to
Teach grade school children to enjoy the learning process led to my
Raising the stakes, when the children I was leading were my own, and
While my sensitivity to creativity encouraged my sons to adopt
Success-oriented, thought processing patterns, which have continued to
Develop throughout each stage of their lives—here is the welcomed
By-product of my intuitive plan: My power of intuitive thought continued to
Blossom until, one day, my smarts saw fit to adopt the very same positively charged
Pattern of processing that creativity developed to enhance the lives of
My sons for myself, and thus have you just received a highly condensed sample of
The back story of the woman, who, to this very day, feels inspired to write for
Hours upon hour in hopes of expanding my understanding of what caused
A small, terrified blindsided child to stumble upon her chosen life's path, which
Breathed life into the adult whom I've chosen to morph into when, in addition
To raising my sons, I accepted a teaching position at the college in hopes of
Leading parents and teachers (and thus, thousands of children I'd never met) out of
The darkness and toward the inner light of self empowerment, based in
The power of one (mind) that refuses to detour away from its deeply determined
Personal quest to seek out knowledge in hopes of resolving conflicts, such as
Those that surfaced within my marriage once the second quadrant of
My life evolved toward the third in the same manner as the third quadrant has
Continued to evolve toward this fourth stage of my life cycle, which sees me
Seeking to gain self empowering knowledge, concerning my need to expand
My processor’s capacity to regain and maintain a well balanced sense of
Self-control over the decision-making portion of my processor in hopes of
Strengthening my ability to continue to age as gracefully as
Reflection suggests was true during the twenty five years that disappeared as
Though within the blink of an eye, which, upon looking back at
Three fully energized tykes, grown to assume the roles of three caring
Responsible, fun-loving men, and now that the time has come for me to
Pass the baton of this Pied Piper tradition on to each of them, I feel need to
Continue to welcome personal growth spurts, some of which feel as painful as
Had proved true twenty-five years ago when my anguished decision to defy
Societal boundaries (imposed upon good wives and mothers for eons) experienced
Sound reason to strengthen my spirit's weakened connection to free will before
My think tank found the impossibility of moving out of our home—possible and
Then probable and then a done deal to save my waining sense of sanity—decades
Before that desperate act of spiritual self preservation had become popularized by
The younger generation, who'd had the good fortune to pursue
Women’s studies, which had been a welcome addition to
College curriculum choices years after I'd earned my degree—on the other hand
(As is classically true of those whose thought processes prove avant guard)
Though my choice to move into an apartment (close to home) sans societal support
Served to severe my mental connection to a wholesome, well balanced sense of
Good health as inner conflict set my processor reeling with the eruption of
Complex emotions that engulfed my sense of clarity within a maze fraught
With undeserved guilt, which scared my spirit's fledgling connection to courage
Half to death, t'was also my intuitive choice to separate from most of
My flock of friends until, with the passage of several years, my intuitive nose grew
(Unlike Pinocchio's) ever more sensitive to sniffing out deeper truths such as
This next one proves to be:
Upon reflection, my intuitive consciousness heightened awareness accepted
The fact that most of those who’d made up my social circle of friends proved
To be frenemies, all along, and though that self-empowering burst of
Clarity hurt to the quick, repeated run ins, offering my ears words sharp with
Icy stabs of passive-aggressive misjudgment, which having slashed
Painfully away at another level of my defense system’s wall of denial, freed
My smarting intelligence to stop sweating over my refusal to bow my head-
Held-high and resume the 'good girl' role that I'd out grown, so rather than
Re-conjoining with friends, whose company I'd thought to have missed
My heightening sense of conscious awareness began to conjoin, ever more
Naturally, with my existential desire to experience life as a healed whole, and
That insight-driven thought offered me the clarity to see my choice of
Friends as making up a pack of scaredy-cats with whom I no longer fit, because
It was so plain to see that just as is true of birds of a feather, those whose
Thought patterns and comfort levels remained stuck in the box, continued to
Feel need to fall into line, playing polite society's judgmental games while
I favored freeing one human being, namely me, of feeling saddled with
Emotional constraints which had weighed heavy on my sense of free will over
Many years in which fear of being left by the pack to fend for myself had
Kept my free will muted, locked up so deeply inside as to have silenced
My as yet undeveloped voice of intuition from piping up with even
One frickin' clue of my desperate need to quest for the missing key
To untether my spirit's free will from my roots at least enough to freely
Wing it on my own, though my sense of personal safety grappled with bouts of
Self inflicted, undeserved guilt that clipped (but never severed)
The expanse of my high flying spirit’s wingspan until such time as
I came to see the human spirit as being every bit as self-regenerative as is
True of the liver, which functions to rid the body of waste that would
Otherwise prove as toxic to a person’s good health as episodes of
PTSD prove toxic to my reorganized sense of mental wellbeing, so
It's no wonder why each growth spurt that my intuitive nature is
Determined to achieve by way of working conscientiously toward
Releasing repressed emotional pain in hopes of proactively minimizing
The weight of the boulder, which catapults out of my depths to
Crush my spirit each time any aspect of a current event blindsides
My processor’s smarts, wrestling the strength of my spirit’s
Conscious connection to positively charged energy to the mat as
The tag team known as Doom and Gloom (also known as
Evil and Death) usurps control over my think tank, casting
An evil spell on my connection to free will, yet again ...
BTW, if I’ve only named one aspect of the quintet that ignited
Doom and Gloom’s most recent resurrection to arise from
The dead and burst through my wall of denial, right before
Thanksgiving then let’s hope that the content of today’s
Insight-driven, intuitive train of thought may inspire
My restrengthening connection to positively charged free will to
Light the match that fires up my sense of readiness to refuel
My think tank’s need to continue to unwind the cocoon in which
My most recent need to stop climbing up hill and just ‘chill’ had
Separated my spirit from its main source of energy, namely
The positively focused frame of mind that must consciously
Conspire with the further development of inner strengths (in similar
Fashion that lifting followed by setting down weights encourage
Muscles to strengthen in the gym), in hopes of
Maintaining my younger than springtime philosophy of life as
Birthdays continue to sweep in more quickly than I can believe
And as my strong willed sense of creativity is poised to publish
This post without taking the time to clarify whether or not today’s
Stream of consciousness makes sense, you can expect to
Find the complex nature of today’s thoughts challenging
My think tank and yours to simplify mind boggling complexity in
Hopes of creating changes for the better that will ultimately
Improve the lives of everyone in your family and mine
Why? Well, for starters, publishing before editing exemplifies
That which has come to be my natural pattern of thought processing
Illustrating exactly what takes place naturally inside my head, just as
It’s been my pattern (and yours) to celebrate another birthday each and
Every year, suggesting that with the aging process, I continue to
'Look' into myself in relation to life as differently inside as
I look on the outside, and as I believe in self empowering new beginnings
This weekend portends to offer up the precise time for my spirit to
Raise a toast to this most recent, positively fueled ruckus that's
Rearranging itself inside my noggin in hopes of feeling my well developed
Inner strengths amassing the courage required to lift that boulder of
D and G over my head and smash it to smithereens!
I hope!
Tha last line is not Doubting Thomas lifting his head but
Rather my intuitive voice piping in with thoughts of
Stowing dollops of humility on board in hopes of being
More likely to remember to steer my ship toward
Shore before it's time to pack up our duds to drive toward
The west coast to party with loved ones who live too far to have
Celebrated with loved ones who dwell close enough to have
Helped Ravi and me blow out my birthday candles, after
Ten of us enjoyed dinner delivered to our home, last night, after
Will and I had accompanied Ravi outside to take
Her dolly for a sunny stroll before we lifted our growing bundle of joy into
Her carseat so as to drive her precious self to have
Her bangs cut, and lo and behold if she didn’t nod off in the car and
Remain sound asleep right through her princess haircut and
Then throughout the short ride back to Gramma’s and Papa’s
House, where she napped on our bed for another hour before
Awakening to search through the house for me in order to ask:
Is it time for my party? Because three year old Ravi felt utterly
Certain that we were about to celebrate her third birthday, again
And when she looked up at me, all wide-eyed and innocent, so as to
Have clued me in to knowing myself lost under the spell cast
By her guileless, blue-eyes even before the sweetest voice you could
Ever imagine asked: Is the bouncy house almost here?
When I drew her within my embrace and laughingly explained that
Grown ups are too big for bouncy houses, Ravi, who knew that as
A fact, began to get my drift, and as reality set in, she look me by
The hand, led me into the kitchen, and offered up another reason to
Feel my spirit bouncing back and forth with mirth: Pointing to
The chocolate frosted birthday cake decorated with yellow roses as is
Our custom, I listened rapt to my grand daughter's imaginative mind release
This idea: Gramma Annie, what if we eat up the whole happy cake, right now
And when people come they will say—WHAT! No cake for me?
And then they’ll go home, and we can play Lion Guard!
I laughed so hard that our little monkey face repeated her
Soliloquy almost verbatim before running into the living room
Where she delighted in parroting her imaginative plan for her papa (after
I'd suggested that she clue him in), only this time, her precocious nature
'Got' the humor down pat, catalyzing her laughter to pour out, matching
Ours, and when, at last, it was time for family and friends to arrive with
Gifts in hand, our little minx, bright as a fairy whose magic shone
Naturally forth from within the charismatic spell her spirit was empowered to
Cast upon all who so much as glanced into her sparkling, sunlit eyes
Ravi promptly divested our loved ones of gaily wrapped gifts, which
She hand delivered to me, acquiescing cheerfully to the fact that
Indeed, it was Gramma's birthday, and she was fine with the presents being
Mine as long as I'd conferred upon Ravi the title of Official Opener, whom
Upon completing the exciting task of ripping paper from boxes
Smiled widely while presenting each offering, happily, to me
And if you’d like to know what effect each of these delightful
Experiences had on my sagging spirit throughout the day, I’ll answer by
Describing what happens while my processor perches on
Two conflicting planes, at once:
(Think one foot on shore with the other in a row boat, drifting out to sea)
While engaged with Ravi’s precious antics, at which time
My well practiced intuitive skills observed the intuitive awareness of
My three year old grand daughter's bright young mind expansively
And genially absorb the fact that the birthdays of others can be
Enjoyed though no bouncy house appears and grown ups' gifts
Are not toys, and having grown to know me as I hope you do by
Now, I'll bet you can easily imagine how deeply pleasured
My cognitive recognition of Ravi's current growth spurt, regarding
The natural expansion of her cognitive awareness, felt, serving to shrink
The size of the negatively charged boulder that has stubbornly refused to
Stop crushing my spirit over these past two weeks, in fact
I'd actually endured an increase in pressure due to added worry over
The fact that Celina had been experiencing ;her monthly; pain, cramping
For days, and as her pain continued to worsen, day after day, Steven
Called us to pick up Ravi on Thursday, freeing him to flee from
His law office and high tail it home to drive Celina to the ER, and
Needless to say, Will and I had also helped out by taking care of
Ravi earlier during this difficult week, as well, so when Steven relayed
The fact, late Thursday evening, that two liters of urine had begun to
Gush forth from Celina’s bladder, after which her pain spontaneously
Diminished significantly, I felt concerned upon hearing that rather than
Admitting Celina to the hospital, she was being sent home, sometime
After midnight, sporting a catheter with instructions in hand to see
A urologist on Monday, suggesting that we can add my anger at
Modern medicine protocol to my angst until, as it turns out
She and Steven felt like joining us for dinner and happy cake, last night
Though I’d reassured them, repeatedly, of my desire to take good care of
Their need for rest after such a mutually agitating ordeal, which had
Produced close to a week of worry, so as you can see
Much of my down time (?) had been spent wriggling in and out of
My intuitive need to cocoon, because no matter how inventive
My think tank proves to be, my processor has not yet figured out
How to invite my active grand daughter to snuggle quietly with me unless
Her shining blue eyes are naturally glazing over with weariness at
Nap time's approach, leaving your friend Annie's need to cocoon
Dangling, midair, day after day, while Ravi's doting Gramma managed to
Change hats in order to call upon my spirit to warm up my positively charged
Energy field at least enough to interact with the magnetic nature of
A three year old's energy field, and now you know why my conscious mind felt
Suspended between two dimensions over these past six days—on the other hand
Both Steven and I knew to reassure Ravi that though her mama and Gramma had
Need of rest and quiet, the non-stop antics of our energizer bunny continued to
Share an endless supply giggles and smiles with everyone at Gramma's house, and
I was surprised to find that when a dizzying sensation catalyzed my need to
Lie down, Ravi complied by playing solo on the floor at the foot of my bed with her
Lion-King-Lion Guard action figures for up to two hours while I'd listen to
Her adorable voice inflections acting out every emotion embodied within
Both films before she'd gingerly approach my bed with tilted head, lips wearing
A smile, asking sweet as sweet can be:
Gramma, are you ready to play Lion King (or Lion Guard) with me, now?
I mean, seriously—Who could say no? And though Will took his turn taking on
The double role of Uncle Scar and the pack of hyenas, Ravi could intuit which
One of her grandparents played with Uncle Scar in one hand and the pack of
Hyenas in the other, wholeheartedly, vs. which of us had cheerfully
Assumed the role of Gramma's understudy until the call of football signaled
The end of halftime, leaving our grand daughter to assume all of the roles on
Her own, meaning that I'd witness Simba’s spirit (which had deflated upon
Losing heart to the traitorous nature of his Uncle Scar, who blamed
The small, guilt ridden cub to believe that he'd been so bad as to have
Caused his adored father's death, and at this point in the film (which
We've watched a minimum of twenty times—suggesting why
Ravi acts out every part as would an experienced thespian) we see
The woebegone, broken spirit of a lost, guilt-ridden lion cub wandering
Away on his own feeling crushed until such time as he finds
Supportive friends, who help him to grow up to claim her—uh—whoops—
I mean his self empowered role of adult leadership, by way of shrinking
His worries down to size just as Dorothy's friends had encouraged
Each other, while skipping down the yellow brick road, to shrink
Their fears of Lions and tigers and bears—Oh my!
As for me, I’ve benefited from gleaning wisdom during sessions of
Therapy as well as from absorbing insight-driven stories, penned by
Authors, both classic and modern day, such as the novels devoured
This week, in which prides of lions roaring and matriarchal elephants
Trumpeting in alarm of predators closing in on their young, offered
My think tank classic truths, highlighting the nature of self healing that
Proves necessary throughout every facet of the animal kingdom, and if
While highlighting and digesting passages, which speak expressly to my
Present needs, my conscious mind can also be seen drinking in
Deeper truths that ride out of subconscious storage on positively focused
Strings of interwoven insights, which, over time, have been re-igniting
My sagging spirit to arise, then we can imagine me rising to
My full height, beating my chest as would a beast in the jungle so as to
Downsize and oil up the small child’s wordless boulder of terrified angst, which
I've lugged from stage to stage, over my entire life, until, with every eruptive
Episode of PTSD, that boulder continues to shrink, until, one day
I'm certain it will feel no bigger than a bouncing ball, small enough to
Slip out of my subconscious muscle-tensing memory bank so as to roll
Straight through my (now) opened door in my defense system’s
Wall of denial, and, finally, upon shrinking to the size of a marble, no longer
Lodged inside my throat—out of my mouth it will pop—freeing
My self-empowering voice to release a Woo-Hoo that feels
Wholly peacefully, once and for all! Wow!
I wonder if I've spent the day penning the prequel to The Princess and the Pea!
Holy smokes—just glanced at the clock—I’ve been writing for
Seven hours straight—It's 3PM, high time to
Throw open the drapes, smile at what's left of the sun, and being that
Yesterday saw the dawning of the 74th year of my life and being that
Life is short, I don’t have a moment to lose, concerning my need to
Re-ignite my inside-connection to joy ... and if my blog was a book
The next words would most likely be—THE END
Good thing this is a blog, which is as alive with spirit as
I plan to be once my searchful mind rests up, suggesting that you can
Expect me to reappear on your screen for as long as
Your intuitive spirit chooses to commune with mine, and
Now, having cleared my mind of quite a head full of angst, today
I’m about to push publish without reviewing, so to those of you who
Have chosen to bear down with me without giving up on my smarts no matter
How often the winding tracks of today's train of thought may have dizzied
Your brain, I'll refrain from saying any more than Hakuna Matata—
My hat's off to you—Bravo!
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