Sunday, December 31, 2017
EAGER TO CELEBRATE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR’S EVE
Having labored for more than an hour, this morning, in hopes of reducing and creating consistency concerning the sizable font of the post published previous to today’s, every creative effort employed failed to meet with success, so I decided to consider the stubborn inconsistency of that font as symbolizing mental incongruencies, which remain so resistant to change as to perplex the orderly nature of our think tanks to differing degrees ... and with today’s train of thought simply stated, I’ll leave you to prepare for New Year’s Eve, which, hopefully, you’ll enjoy celebrating with family and friends as will I 😊
Friday, December 29, 2017
TLBC (THE LITTLE BOOK CLUB) HOLIDAY LUNCHEON 2017
Here is a copy of an email sent to my book club, somewhere around December 21st, expressing my vulnerability to experiencing the episodic nature of PTSD, which, having emerged from its subconscious hiding place on Thanksgiving, clouded my connection to clarity until my intuitive powers had time to detect specific triggers that had shattered my current connection to personal safety. BTW: Each year, I organize and enjoy our winter holiday luncheon, though, this year, I found myself unable to attend:
My Dear Friends,
I’m so glad to know how much you enjoyed our luncheon on the mountain, overlooking the valley. Each of your emails made me smile. Actually, I came quite close to joining you until, upon reflecting over times when my desire to enjoy an event with friends saw me stretching too far, too soon, I called upon self restraint so as not to set my diminished energy level two steps back. And with self restraint calling the shots, I decided to deliver the centerpiece and return home to relax—until my phone rang, and Steven asked if I felt well enough to help Celina (who’d been experiencing a great deal of pain) by taking care of Ravi, again.
As prioritizing my family’s welfare over everything else is a no brainer, I replied, of course, followed by asking Will to drive me to the restaurant to which he’d cheerfully agreed, because he’d noticed how naturally my spirit had lifted in anticipation of surprising all of you with the centerpiece that I’d assembled the evening before, and sure enough, I felt my spirit lift another notch while arranging an assortment of festive playthings for Toys For Tots on the table (I’ve had everything in the house for many weeks).
While composing the note that you found next to the centerpiece, my heart filled with gratitude as my mind felt free to express my vulnerabilities without the added concern of protecting myself from negatively focused judgement calls. After all, we can’t know our true friends until our vulnerabilities have been exposed at which time we become aware of individuals whose attitudes prove condescending while others offer up the healing balm of heartfelt compassion, generated by generosity of spirit, which, flowing freely forth on rays of loving kindness, naturally soothes the troubled portion of our souls.
Knowing that we’re all fated, now and then, to be recipients of condescension and compassion, I consciously embrace an attitude of neutralizing my initial reactions by reminding myself of this fact: The little we learn about about another person’s history is similar to judging the size of an elephant by holding on to its ‘tail’ while blindfolded.
As this current episode of PTSD proves to be a doozie (triggered by several current events converging, all at once), I’m thankful that my family has come to understand the complex mental process that I must figure my way through whenever each next episode of PTSD hijacks my logical connection to clarity, and in addition to appreciating my loved ones’ patience with my need to cocoon while piecing together my shattered sense of personal safety, I feel deeply grateful for their loving support until my subconscious retreat into the distant past has had sufficient time to subside within the peaceful sanctity of our home.
Sometimes this complex process extends over days, sometimes weeks, as proved true during Will’s cancer scare, four years back. That event triggered my first full blown episode of PTSD (each of which darkens my sense of clarity concerning reality, compelling my intuitive powers to muster a whale of mental concentration while spotlighting those aspects of a current event, which are triggering an episode to erupt so that those specific triggers cannot shoot my processor’s connection to self respect and personal safety full of holes as the future unfolds.
Presently, I feel tired; however now that clarity concerning recent triggers is mine, I no longer feel mentally confounded so as to render my think tank too dizzy to drive as had been true for several days when my thought processor, hovering between yesteryear and today, felt too light-headed to call forth my intuitive powers to guide my newfound sense of wholeness toward mustering the courage necessary to piece together yet another shattered portion of my self esteem by reassuring my conscious awareness of readiness to release another subconscious layer of fear (repressed during childhood), so as to empower my adult intelligence to take a leap of faith toward fully embracing this current growth spurt at hand.
As to Celina’s pain, a trip to the ER determined her bladder blocked, and when the hospital sent her home with a catheter inserted rather than admitting her, I saw red and had to calm my frustration, concerning money grubbing insurance companies, which turn a blind eye to the importance of compassionate patient care. The catheter was removed three days later in a urologist’s office, and other than continuing discomfort, Celina is voiding; however, we still don’t know what’s wrong, so Will and I have been taking care of Ravi’s sweet smile, ensuring that her energetic spirit experiences good reason to recharge, every day.
David flew in with his ‘little brother’ Bryan, and they’ve been helping Gramma and Papa to keep Ravi’s active three year old, high octane energy level fully engaged with fun.
Ever since learning that her Papa is a doctor, Ravi, holding her doctor kit in hand, runs straight to Will whenever she has a booboo, so that he can examine her, after which she reassures Dr. Papa that he has helped her to feel better.😊
Last but not least, I’d like to thank Gabbie and Renie, who, after the luncheon, left the festive table decorations at my front door—upon finding them, I wondered if one of Santa’s elves had stopped by, most likely while Papa and I were accompanying Stessa, who enjoys taking her dolly for a walk behind our house late in the afternoon.
Today, David, Bryan, Ravi and I plan to drive to the local fire station where we’ll drop several cuddly little critters off at Toys for Tots. Bryan has been David’s ‘little brother’ (and an integral addition to our family) over these past eight years. Perhaps you met Bryan at our 50th anniversary celebration. How can that be almost a year ago, already?
Thanks for listening to the Cliff’s Notes version of my past two weeks. Imagine my spirit smiling at my good fortune for countless reasons, eight of which point directly to each of you.
On the up side, my need to cocoon (until intuitive thought cleared this episode of PTSD out of my mind ) offered me down time to read several books that we’d chosen, last Spring. Secondly, Ravi’s sweet presence acts like a straight shot of dopamine. At times, when I’m resting, she brings her doctor’s kit to my bedside, examines me with each plastic instrument, offers me medicine and tells me I am feeling better ... and out of the mouths of babes, Dr. Ravi is right. I am feeling better.😊
And now, with my spirit floating on heartfelt clouds of gratitude, I’m wishing all of you a jolly holiday season and a healthy, peaceful New Year
😊💕🎄🕎🌈🌻Annie
Thursday, December 28, 2017
FEAR, COURAGE AND WORRIES
So obviously, I don’t believe no worries will be mine
For the rest of my life, but hopefully, when worries arise
I’ll have developed the presence of mind to discern
Between ghosts from the past, who have come to
Haunt the child within me versus a near and
Present danger that is currently threating my well being
As to Hakuna Matata, I just couldn’t resist
Offering you the message received by my intellect
Suggesting that as an innocent cub, Simba’s
Inexperienced think tank had no clue
Whatsoever as to who had been friend or foe until
He was made to feel so guilty of wrong doing as to
Have wandered away to carve a path of his own, where
He’d had the good fortune to connect with
New friends, who’d cared so deeply about
The well being of this lonely soul’s sad spirit as to feed
The lost cub that which he’d been most in need of
(Unconditional love) ever since his peace of mind had
Felt so undeservedly shamed by Uncle Scar as to have
Shattered the child’s connection to self worth
Causing a sweet little cub to have banished himself
Unnecessarily, from his ... pride ...
‘Tis good that Ravi and I watched The Lion King
A gazillion times; ‘‘tis good that whenever Ravi plays Simba
(After designating me to be Uncle Scar) my spirit has
Sound reason to smile peacefully while listening to
My sweet grand daughter working, during playtime, to develop
Her existential, self assertive, three year old voice ... and
Amen to the fact that both of our lives have been
Immeasurably blessed with good fortune to share
This friendship we treasure, where child reaps intuitive rewards
During playtime with Gramma, who has learned, through
Intuitive necessity (the mother of invention), how to provide
The safe emotional environment, which
My parents, who’d loved me deeply, had no clue that I’d lost, though
Photos in family albums show my arms bandaged from
Shoulder to below my wrists to stop me from scratching at
The intensity of my itching need to free myself of
Deeply repressed anxiety, catalyzed by subconscious
Emotional distress that had deviled the peace of mind of
The innocent child I’d been ... under my skin
And thus in hopes of retrieving the loss of my personal sense of
Safety, which my parents had had no conscious clue of needing to
Provide for their beloved eldest child, I’ve worked, intuitively, over
My lifetime, to resolve inner conflict by way of identifying and
Absorbing my fearful side and courageous side ever more
Mindfully so as to know and embrace both sides that make
Me whole, and thus do I feel thankful for having consciously worked to
Develop a set of insight driven, self motivated inner strengths that
Inspire me to take leaps of faith, eyes wide open, toward embracing
Personal growth spurts, each of which makes sound use of
Creative writing to encourage my heartfelt quest for
Peace of mind to heed Socrates’ sage advice, most especially
During dark times when episodes of PTSD have been empowered to
Suck my spirit’s positively focused attitude into yesteryear’s
Steeply bewildering black hole, which brings to mind
The Raven, who sayeth: Nevermore ... and knowing that my spirit has
Felt inspired to work determinedly, courageously and patiently for years to
Identify, value and respect my essential needs as highly as
I value and respect yours. iis time for my intuitive think tank to pull
Today’s train of thought into the next rest station, beckoning directly
Ahead so that my whole sense of self, falling peacefully to sleep, feels
Readiness, upon awakening, to free my brain from unpacking
Excess baggage in favor of functioning, at long last, as a deeply relieved
Positively focused, self respecting, well balanced, high spirited whole, which
Consciously acknowledges personal need for ample time to recoup and refuel ...
Q
For the rest of my life, but hopefully, when worries arise
I’ll have developed the presence of mind to discern
Between ghosts from the past, who have come to
Haunt the child within me versus a near and
Present danger that is currently threating my well being
As to Hakuna Matata, I just couldn’t resist
Offering you the message received by my intellect
Suggesting that as an innocent cub, Simba’s
Inexperienced think tank had no clue
Whatsoever as to who had been friend or foe until
He was made to feel so guilty of wrong doing as to
Have wandered away to carve a path of his own, where
He’d had the good fortune to connect with
New friends, who’d cared so deeply about
The well being of this lonely soul’s sad spirit as to feed
The lost cub that which he’d been most in need of
(Unconditional love) ever since his peace of mind had
Felt so undeservedly shamed by Uncle Scar as to have
Shattered the child’s connection to self worth
Causing a sweet little cub to have banished himself
Unnecessarily, from his ... pride ...
‘Tis good that Ravi and I watched The Lion King
A gazillion times; ‘‘tis good that whenever Ravi plays Simba
(After designating me to be Uncle Scar) my spirit has
Sound reason to smile peacefully while listening to
My sweet grand daughter working, during playtime, to develop
Her existential, self assertive, three year old voice ... and
Amen to the fact that both of our lives have been
Immeasurably blessed with good fortune to share
This friendship we treasure, where child reaps intuitive rewards
During playtime with Gramma, who has learned, through
Intuitive necessity (the mother of invention), how to provide
The safe emotional environment, which
My parents, who’d loved me deeply, had no clue that I’d lost, though
Photos in family albums show my arms bandaged from
Shoulder to below my wrists to stop me from scratching at
The intensity of my itching need to free myself of
Deeply repressed anxiety, catalyzed by subconscious
Emotional distress that had deviled the peace of mind of
The innocent child I’d been ... under my skin
And thus in hopes of retrieving the loss of my personal sense of
Safety, which my parents had had no conscious clue of needing to
Provide for their beloved eldest child, I’ve worked, intuitively, over
My lifetime, to resolve inner conflict by way of identifying and
Absorbing my fearful side and courageous side ever more
Mindfully so as to know and embrace both sides that make
Me whole, and thus do I feel thankful for having consciously worked to
Develop a set of insight driven, self motivated inner strengths that
Inspire me to take leaps of faith, eyes wide open, toward embracing
Personal growth spurts, each of which makes sound use of
Creative writing to encourage my heartfelt quest for
Peace of mind to heed Socrates’ sage advice, most especially
During dark times when episodes of PTSD have been empowered to
Suck my spirit’s positively focused attitude into yesteryear’s
Steeply bewildering black hole, which brings to mind
The Raven, who sayeth: Nevermore ... and knowing that my spirit has
Felt inspired to work determinedly, courageously and patiently for years to
Identify, value and respect my essential needs as highly as
I value and respect yours. iis time for my intuitive think tank to pull
Today’s train of thought into the next rest station, beckoning directly
Ahead so that my whole sense of self, falling peacefully to sleep, feels
Readiness, upon awakening, to free my brain from unpacking
Excess baggage in favor of functioning, at long last, as a deeply relieved
Positively focused, self respecting, well balanced, high spirited whole, which
Consciously acknowledges personal need for ample time to recoup and refuel ...
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Monday, December 25, 2017
ADDENDUM TO SATURDAY’ S POST, SPOTLIGHTING TRIGGERS
On Saturday, December 23rd, I received an email, copied below, from
My dear, high school friend, Debbie, who
Follows my blog, daily:
Debbie’s reply:
😍 Let Ravi know that my grandson, played Mufasa in a drama club performance! Going to be w/all the kids tonight. Will try to get a current photo. And, yes I do remember the scratching episodes. XOXO
My dear, high school friend, Debbie, who
Follows my blog, daily:
Dear friend,
My reply that same day:Your recent posts have left me with concern for you. Please know that the sun IS shining! Today will always be a better day than the last. There is so much to smile about. Your granddaughter seems precious and you need to enjoy this time with her. Let the ghosts stay in the past and let the sunshine in. Love and hugs and support from your long time friend. ‘Debbie’
No worries, dear friend ... truly😊
I write exactly what happens each time my brain’s connection to clarity is distrupted whenever an episode of PTSD has been triggered to usurp control over the conscious portion of my mind—I write so that others who experience this recurrent dilemma can better understand what’s taking place inside their brains in hopes that they, too, may choose to muster the courage, humility and positive focus necessary to buoy their spirits while they work ever so determinedly at healing their brains of subconsciously repressed pain, which has long felt need to be consciously identified and thoroughly expressed.
As is true of recurrent cancers, each episodic attack of PTSD is not a matter of choice; these attacks erupt when triggered by a current event, and as each eruption of temporary disorder mirrors a very real emotional trauma experienced during childhood, the re-emergence of deeply repressed fear and/or grief must be consciously tolerated, identified and released in order to empty my subconscious storehouse of yesteryear’s ghosts, whose triggered re-emergences shatter my current connection to clarity, empowering yesteryear’s experiences of doom and gloom to threaten my personal sense of safety until cognitive understanding, concerning today’s reality, feels so calmed as to gain flashes of insight, spotlighting the trigger(s) responsible for igniting the complex nature of my brain’s functionality to darken today’s sense of reality until a courageous connection to clarity is once again mine at which time emotional reactions, which had felt too fearsome , overwhelming and intense for the undeveloped think tank of an inexperience child to understand have been absorbed into conscious memory, today, suggestive of the fact that having consciously worked to develop a set of mental strengths to have at my beck and call, my growing sense of emotional intelligence, once calm, has gained the ability to integrate each of these terrifying moments from the distant past into the framework of today’s experiences, which had seemed to not make sense until puzzling pieces, emerging from my history, are identified and reorganized in such an astute fashion as to create the bigger picture, which will disempower each next frightening episode of PTSD
from shattering my personal sense of safety as the future unfolds—in short, we come to see why healing the wounded portions of the human brain is not for sissies—in fact, it is common for caring observers to fear that the little that they can see on the surface of my reaction is not healing, because they have no clue as to the frequency with which my inner strengths call upon my sense of courage to arise and spin its cocoon, providing my intuitive powers with a peaceful haven, where the healthy (greater portion) of my think tank accomplishes its best healing work unimpeded by any aspect of life that might otherwise disrupt my concentration away from the gargantuan mental task, which my intelligence now has well in hand. (This paragraph has lengthened due to the fact that my power of intuitive thought chose to call forth literary license in order to enhance my original reply to my dear friend’s expression of loving concern by additional insights, which string together as my think tank reviews whatever has already been written.)
As you shall soon see in a post that I’m still composing, (that post was published, late Saturday afternoon) I’m still gaining a strengthened sense of my brain’s ability to maintain control over these episodes until so much deeply repressed emotional pain has been expelled that the ghostlike presence of future episodes will no longer daunt my connection to well being by distorting my view of reality as the future unfolds. (Do you remember how painfully I’d scratched my skin raw during high school when my defensive mental block kept my sanity safe from consciously acknowledging that a pedophile was attacking me, repeatedly?) This repression of emotional pain is not new to me. Repression has been my defensive coping mechanism since early childhood when power struggles between adults shattered my fledgling connection to personal safety before I had so much as a clue that the severity of emotional distress of others was empowered to totally stress my undeveloped nervous system to the max. However, within the safe environment, created during sessions of EMDR therapy, I can feel 'the original source' of repressed pain and fear ever more consciously, now, than when my fears of sexual abuse and grief born of unexpected deaths had remained fully repressed and unidentified under my skin. It’s as if once my mental block cracked in the aftermath of my father's sudden death, the dis/eased portions of my brain have been undergoing chemotherapy and radiation, shrinking episodic eruptions of PTSD down in size, as one would shrink a tumor. And just as chemo and radiation zap the body of energy, catalyzing a lightheaded sense of dizziness, which weighs heavy on the cancer patient's spirit, the same is true of those times when I find it necessary to actively work toward healing debilitating effects, directly related to the eruptive, disruptive nature of PTSD.
With thankfulness for your loving concern, I will always be Annie—who throws open the drapes and smiles at the sunlight beaming its warmth straight into my heart—feeling deeply blessed to have everything that love can offer me to live and enjoy my life, including our friendship, which I've treasured since we first met and always will!
Here I am, yesterday, with Ravi, who believes she is Simba from The Lion King.
As you can clearly see, Ravi and I both revel in every moment that we feel blessed to adore each other, and so, my friend, please feel reassured to know that I feel—much more often than not—really fine, most especially because I have sound reason to believe that my think tank has been getting the hang of outsmarting each next eruptive episode of PTSD! 😊💕🌈🌻
Debbie’s reply:
😍 Let Ravi know that my grandson, played Mufasa in a drama club performance! Going to be w/all the kids tonight. Will try to get a current photo. And, yes I do remember the scratching episodes. XOXO
And now, dear friends, as I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas wherever you reside in this often confounding yet wonderful world, imagine me embracing my good fortune to share my life with so many loved ones as to feel deeply blessed even at times when PTSD plays not-so-nice games with my mind, distorting my connection to personal safety until the dawning of intuitive insight brightens the wattage of my spirit's smile as naturally as if a light switch, flipped from off to on inside my head, brightens the darkness of yesteryear's worries as if sunbeams, dancing joyfully with clarity, are streaming through my mind, coloring my attitude glad to feel wholly alive 😍
Saturday, December 23, 2017
TRIGGERS, AT LAST ...
It's been my experience that episodes of PTSD may be triggered more readily when vulnerability to pain has been exposed as was the case on Thursday evening, the week before Thanksgiving, while I, pulling on a pair of black tights in readiness to enjoy dinner and a play with dear friends, had need to move the lower half of my body in such a way as to feel an ominous snap within the back side of my right hip, indicating that whatever had just happened would catalyze my sciatic nerve to flare as had proved true in the past. Oh no! I thought ... not again!
At times when an episode of intense pain detours a significant portion of
My energy toward tolerating physical discomfort, 24/7
My defense system, feeling threatened, arouses my survival instinct to
Stand guard, feeling highly susceptible to anything triggering
The subconscious portion of my memory to assume that
One bad thing will lead to another (As was true when I was three, and
A massive heart attack stole my grandfather’s life, several weeks before
My baby sister succumbed to SIDS) suggesting that
Each time the subconscious portion of my brain is triggered to ‘await
The other shoe to drop’, my mindful connection to positive focus (which
Fuel’s my spirit’s connectivity to experiencing pure, unadulterated joy) is
Unknowingly severed, and as long as I have no conscious clue of
This depressive change in my attitude, my brain's ability to maintain
Control over my sensitivity to succumbing to future attacks of
PTSD remains just beyond reach until insight shines its spotlight upon
The main source of whatever has triggered my connection to logic to crash
During the weeks following my most recent flare up of sciatic pain
The escalation of scandalous news reports exposing widespread
Sexual abuse, continuing to surface throughout the country (focusing
The spotlight of shame away from victims in favor of pointing
Fingers of blame at fame-empowered names) acted as one trigger that
Aroused my current episode of PTSD to erupt
And if you ask me to name the main source that catalyzed this uproar, which
Continues to mark audacious behaviors which prove
Disgracefully disrespectful to females of all ages as well as to boys and
Young men, I'll refer my response to Trump’s campaign for election to
The highest office of the land, which having met with success
Shocked the socks off of a far-reaching explosion of painfully repressed
Emotional reactiveness, openly expressed by countless women, whose
Voices refuse to be silenced as though fearing that
A known sexual predator’s successful run for The Oval Office offers clearance to
Power-hungry males of our species to freely harass, insult and
Abuse anyone who catches their eye, at will, and thus has
Fury arisen, synthesizing the outrage of those who’d secreted away
Memories so vile as to stand up and be counted amongst those who are
No longer afraid to break through barriers of silence (born of
Blaming the victim, which is a crying shame) so that rather than
Brooding in the corner, the weaker (?) sex has bonded in
Courageous solidarity, as never before, giving voice to
Muted pain that has had sound reason to roar with as much
Ferocity as proves true of the hot blooded reaction pulsing
Hotly through my veins, which in addition to flooding my mind with
Latent anxiety—subconsciously released to reverberate throughout
My body as angrily as a wildfire rages across the land of
The free and the home of the brave—links my ferocity of
Reactivity to all that’s been exposed, concerning
The condensation of agony that’s clearly being expressed in
The volcanic eruption of these two words—ME, TOO! And so
Tis plain to see that this societal change for the better has been
Long overdue, indeed! I mean, seriously, therapists, throughout
Our vast nation, attest to the fact that their phones have been
Ringing off the wall as victims of sexual abuse clamor for appointments in
Hopes of easing an outpouring of latent anxiety so deeply repressed as to be
Welling up and spilling forth to overwhelming degrees
During the week preceding Thanksgiving, 2017, my flare up of
Sciatic pain opened the door in my invincible wall of denial, releasing
Anxiety and unnamed sadness to conjoin with physical discomfort
Catalyzing my spirit to take a sudden nose dive as would
A war plane shot down by friendly fire, and thus, rather than lifting
My spirit as had always been true of any holiday celebrated with
Beloved family and friends, this most recent Thanksgiving celebration
Saw my fun-loving attitude crash, which may lead you to ask:
So what do you think singled out Thanksgiving weekend 2017 to
Feel devastatingly different from all other Thanksgivings that came
Before (except for one Thanksgiving, many years in the distant past, which
Had truly offered my spirit sound reason to take a sudden dive when
Fear and grief had gripped my undeveloped think tank within
A vice so tight as to have choked my three year old spirit within
Its confounding grasp, literally causing my lungs to gasp for breath)?
In answer to the astute nature of that question—the unnamed source of
So fearsome grief shall be revealed as soon as this intuitive train of thought
Shines the spotlight of insight upon the matched set of similarities triggering
The emotional upheaval that I, alone ‘experienced’ throughout
Thanksgiving weekend, 2017, which felt every bit as confounding as
Had been true during the terrifying emotional upheaval that I, along with everyone
Who had made up my birth family, experienced throughout
Thanksgiving weekend, 1947, when fate barged into our peaceful lives, delivering
The Spector of sudden Death, which, twice in just over a month, shattered
Our connection to safety, darkening our spirits for more than a year until
Change for the better gave rise to hope, which turned frowns into
Tremulous smiles on January 5, 1948, the day of my youngest sister’s birth
Seventy years ago
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my parents' wedding anniversary
Seventy years ago
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my sister's death on my parents' anniversary
Seventy years ago
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my being the same age as Ravi is today
This year
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my parents' wedding anniversary
This year
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my sister's death on my parents' anniversary
This year
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my grand daughter's third birthday
How much do you comprehend concerning the connection linking PTSD to Projection?
Without so much as a conscious clue as to this matched set of triggers invading
My brain space, the emergence of this most recent eruption of PTSD catalyzed
The unhealed portion of my brain to unseal subconscious fears in
An unnamed state, transforming my brain into a time machine, which
Shot my mental, emotional and physical sense of personal safety straight back
Into 1947 as though only a millisecond separated the mental state of
The intelligent adult, whom I've grown to be, today, from
The deeply confounded, wholly traumatized, three year old
Child, whose undeveloped think tank had no clue, whatsoever, of
What was taking place in our lives, other than the fact that after
My grandpa and baby sister had mystifyingly disappeared
All of the adults, who'd peopled my life had become ghostlike
Zombies, who'd lost their quick, good natured smiles as well as
Control over their minds, and somehow, during
Thanksgiving weekend of 2017, flashes of memory, each of which
Lasted no more than a millisecond in length, saw
My subconscious zooming back and forth across the time line, covering
A span of seventy years without so much as offering
My conscious awareness even one clue as to what had caused
Subconscious fear to become so self empowered as to turn back
The hands of time, transforming my seventy-three year old brain into
A time traveler, whose emotional reactions (no longer repressed) projected
The same confounding sense of traumatized grief and fear of death that
My processor had unconsciously soaked in, seven decades back, and just as
This overwhelming degree of fearsome negativity had invaded the well being of
A three year old's undeveloped think tank, this 74 year old woman's connection to
Personal safety shattered as if The Spector of Death—which
Threatened my survival instincts from within my head—was
Actually lurking outside my front door, waiting to strike me or
A loved one down, causing me to feel all alone with an anxious sense of
Sadness while surrounded by a jovial grouping of family and friends, all of whom
Expressed concern for the fact that I had need to be within arms reach of
A chair or the couch, because no one (inclusive of me) had a clue that
My mind was reeling between 1947 and 2017, suggesting that as long as
This unnamed reason for dizziness continued to terrorize
My adult sense of personal safety, my temporary disconnect from
Clarity, concerning today's reality, could not possibility begin to
Comprehend whatever had triggered this episodic attack of PTSD, and
As long as my brain wavered somewhere between the age of 74 and 3
No connective pathway to communicate exactly which similarity had hijacked
My processor to associate this happy Thanksgiving with another so terrifying as
To have hijacked all connection to logic, which would have spotlighted
The terrifying childhood event that had deemed my adult brain too dizzy from
Spinning back and forth in time so as to feel myself existing in
A semi conscious, light-headed state, which rendered my intelligence
Out of commission for as long as I was unable to hold up my head or
Function in a standing position, beginning on Thanksgiving day and ending on
Sunday, when, unlike years past, this trio of festive events, honoring
Thanksgiving, my parents’ anniversary and Ravi’s birthday had naturally
Entertained my sense of fun to fly high, whereas this year
The concurrence of this same set of events plunged my spirit so low as to
Stimulate my intuitive need to forfeit my ticket to the football game on Sunday
(Following Ravi's Lion King birthday party on Saturday) in favor of
Remaining at home to spin my cocoon after reassuring Will and David that
I'd be fine on my own while they enjoyed the game, and as my menfolk have come to
Understand my need to figure my way through each episode of PTSD in
A safe haven, where peace and quiet encourage an uprising of latent anxiety to
Calm down, my brain, absorbing a sense of peaceful pensiveness, aroused
My well-practiced intuition to power up in contemplation of
The weekend’s trifecta in hopes of releasing a insight-laden flash of
Deeper truth, linking my light-headed reactions to subconscious triggers so that
With specific triggers clearly in mind, this anxiety soaked, grief struck reaction
Would stop haunting my sense of safety, ASAP, and sure enough
As minutes tick tocked from one hour to the next, the first insight
Ignited, sparking a string of insights, each of which served to brighten
My brain's growing ability to calm this most recent episode of
PTSD on my own once this first fact flashed through my conscious mind, pushing
Doom and gloom aside as though to make room in my think tank for
This positively focused truth to dominate center stage:
Never again will Ravi’s third birthday fall on Thanksgiving, because
Never again will this sweet child be three, and the simplicity of that fact
Released this next string of insights, spotlighting the repressed sense of
Terrifying flashbacks that I’d had no conscious clue of 'remembering'
Throughout those three days when my deeply personal ordeal, which
On the surface didn't make sense, signaled my subconscious to ready itself to
Release, expose and clearly express a whale of repressed grief, which
Had remained secreted within an unidentified, deeply pained pocket of
My subconscious for more than seventy years, suggesting the collapse of
My wall of denial, behind which had been stored layers of confounding
Emotionally debilitating sadness, which having been newly released, frees
My conscious connection to wholeness to fully acknowledge
The heavily weighted, personal impact that my sweet baby sister's death had on
My psyche, which had sensed that her life had been snuffed out before
She'd lived long enough to have had a conscious clue as to how deeply
She'd been loved and mourned, not just by her parents, but
By grief struck, three year old me—and in addition to the fact that
My think tank has successfully puzzled its way toward
Enlightening the conscious portion of my mind by fully exposing and identifying
The matched set of triggers, which, likened to bottle of champagne that was
Given reason to pop its cork, repressed pain and grief as well as
A lifetime of emotional complexity erupted and geysered out in a cascade of
Foaming emotion, which has been expressed, over these past three weeks until
I'd sought time to feed my strong need for peaceful seclusion, which offered
My sciatic pain down time to lessen, considerably—and now that I've openly
Confronted my on-going need to fully express my fury at the voting populous for
Elevating Trump, a known sexual predatory pedophile, to the status of world leader
My intuitive voice can safely say that these past several weeks of cocooning
(Whenever Celina didn't need me to provide a happy haven in which to take
Loving care of Ravi's three year old spirit) enabled me to confront
The worst eruption of PTSD that I've experienced since the episode preceding and
Following Will’s cancer surgery, four years ago, and now that both episodes
Make sense, my anxiety has not just eased up—it has totally subsided—and
Knowing that I've made my way through this attack so quietly (without drawing
Undo attention away from various festivities that everyone enjoyed) suggests that
No one's pleasure, throughout this holiday weekend, was disrupted, indicating
Yet another spiritually strengthening fact: Though my conscious mind felt too
Fuzzy to pinpoint the matched set of triggers that had catalyzed
This episode of PTSD to erupt, the intuitive portion of my brain had actually
Maintained a portion of its connection to intelligent thought, throughout
The three day weekend, at least enough to free my spirit to smile and embrace
More than seventy loved ones (some of whom had partied with us during
Thanksgiving and then we saw that number more than double, during
Ravi's backyard birthday party) while my brain hovered between
Two planes of awareness, suggestive of yet another spiritually strengthening fact:
Rather than capitulating to the intensity of this episode of PTSD, which
Saw my mind reeling in an overstimulated state, I did not feel
A pressing need to bow out of the festivities and remain cocooned at home
In fact, I found myself participating good-naturedly, as cool as a cucumber, meaning
That I'd maintained enough strength of spirit to hold my need to
Spin my cocoon at bay for three action-filled days, and that insight-driven reflection
Suggests my growing awareness of this fact:
Between June and November of this year, my line of self control has gained
A considerable sense of dominance over serious attacks of PTSD—I mean
If we back track to the month of June, when my family rented
A spacious beach house where three generations of Shapiro's chose to convene on
The west coast in celebration of Bryan’s high school graduation, we can
Reflect over the fact that the only family function I'd been able to
Muster the courage and energy to attend (during that entire light-headed week) was
The graduation ceremony, itself—and thus, retrospectively, I can see that
Progress toward change for the better continues to inch forward, little by
Little, concerning my brain’s self motivated, personally challenging
Determination to heal itself completely from feeling threatened by future
Episodic uprisings of PTSD—and with that conscious awareness
Spotlighting mindful changes for the better that serve to enhance
My self-esteeming, positively focused spirit’s quality of life—
My spirit felt sound reason to leap up and smile brightly—right now!
Why? Well—though we all covet the end of a painfully challenging
Mind bending journey, I've grown to embrace the importance of
Celebrating every sweet spot that life offers, which strengthens my connection to
Hope—not once in a while but every day, in some significant, perhaps
Obscure way, signaling my intuitive voice to ring out clear as a bell each time
This fact of life reminds me that its always darkest before the dawn :
With each train of thought penned, the light at the end of the tunnel of
Love draws my connection to clarity, concerning today's reality, nearer to
Feeling wholly fulfilled, and thus will my mind (whether I feel dizzily
Caught up within a future episode of time-traveling PTSD or I feel need to
Refuel mind and spirit in the aftermath of having successfully
Made my way through the haze of each next emotionally charged
Mental maze or I feel spiritually re-energized, mentally grounded and
Emotionally well balanced) seek to embrace every infinitesimal
Change for the better until the blessed day dawns when my well grounded
Connection to mental clarity, concerning today's reality, banishes
Future episodes of spiritually debilitating PTSD from erupting and
Invading my personal safety's sense of pure joy—once and for all
Whew!
At times when an episode of intense pain detours a significant portion of
My energy toward tolerating physical discomfort, 24/7
My defense system, feeling threatened, arouses my survival instinct to
Stand guard, feeling highly susceptible to anything triggering
The subconscious portion of my memory to assume that
One bad thing will lead to another (As was true when I was three, and
A massive heart attack stole my grandfather’s life, several weeks before
My baby sister succumbed to SIDS) suggesting that
Each time the subconscious portion of my brain is triggered to ‘await
The other shoe to drop’, my mindful connection to positive focus (which
Fuel’s my spirit’s connectivity to experiencing pure, unadulterated joy) is
Unknowingly severed, and as long as I have no conscious clue of
This depressive change in my attitude, my brain's ability to maintain
Control over my sensitivity to succumbing to future attacks of
PTSD remains just beyond reach until insight shines its spotlight upon
The main source of whatever has triggered my connection to logic to crash
During the weeks following my most recent flare up of sciatic pain
The escalation of scandalous news reports exposing widespread
Sexual abuse, continuing to surface throughout the country (focusing
The spotlight of shame away from victims in favor of pointing
Fingers of blame at fame-empowered names) acted as one trigger that
Aroused my current episode of PTSD to erupt
And if you ask me to name the main source that catalyzed this uproar, which
Continues to mark audacious behaviors which prove
Disgracefully disrespectful to females of all ages as well as to boys and
Young men, I'll refer my response to Trump’s campaign for election to
The highest office of the land, which having met with success
Shocked the socks off of a far-reaching explosion of painfully repressed
Emotional reactiveness, openly expressed by countless women, whose
Voices refuse to be silenced as though fearing that
A known sexual predator’s successful run for The Oval Office offers clearance to
Power-hungry males of our species to freely harass, insult and
Abuse anyone who catches their eye, at will, and thus has
Fury arisen, synthesizing the outrage of those who’d secreted away
Memories so vile as to stand up and be counted amongst those who are
No longer afraid to break through barriers of silence (born of
Blaming the victim, which is a crying shame) so that rather than
Brooding in the corner, the weaker (?) sex has bonded in
Courageous solidarity, as never before, giving voice to
Muted pain that has had sound reason to roar with as much
Ferocity as proves true of the hot blooded reaction pulsing
Hotly through my veins, which in addition to flooding my mind with
Latent anxiety—subconsciously released to reverberate throughout
My body as angrily as a wildfire rages across the land of
The free and the home of the brave—links my ferocity of
Reactivity to all that’s been exposed, concerning
The condensation of agony that’s clearly being expressed in
The volcanic eruption of these two words—ME, TOO! And so
Tis plain to see that this societal change for the better has been
Long overdue, indeed! I mean, seriously, therapists, throughout
Our vast nation, attest to the fact that their phones have been
Ringing off the wall as victims of sexual abuse clamor for appointments in
Hopes of easing an outpouring of latent anxiety so deeply repressed as to be
Welling up and spilling forth to overwhelming degrees
During the week preceding Thanksgiving, 2017, my flare up of
Sciatic pain opened the door in my invincible wall of denial, releasing
Anxiety and unnamed sadness to conjoin with physical discomfort
Catalyzing my spirit to take a sudden nose dive as would
A war plane shot down by friendly fire, and thus, rather than lifting
My spirit as had always been true of any holiday celebrated with
Beloved family and friends, this most recent Thanksgiving celebration
Saw my fun-loving attitude crash, which may lead you to ask:
So what do you think singled out Thanksgiving weekend 2017 to
Feel devastatingly different from all other Thanksgivings that came
Before (except for one Thanksgiving, many years in the distant past, which
Had truly offered my spirit sound reason to take a sudden dive when
Fear and grief had gripped my undeveloped think tank within
A vice so tight as to have choked my three year old spirit within
Its confounding grasp, literally causing my lungs to gasp for breath)?
In answer to the astute nature of that question—the unnamed source of
So fearsome grief shall be revealed as soon as this intuitive train of thought
Shines the spotlight of insight upon the matched set of similarities triggering
The emotional upheaval that I, alone ‘experienced’ throughout
Thanksgiving weekend, 2017, which felt every bit as confounding as
Had been true during the terrifying emotional upheaval that I, along with everyone
Who had made up my birth family, experienced throughout
Thanksgiving weekend, 1947, when fate barged into our peaceful lives, delivering
The Spector of sudden Death, which, twice in just over a month, shattered
Our connection to safety, darkening our spirits for more than a year until
Change for the better gave rise to hope, which turned frowns into
Tremulous smiles on January 5, 1948, the day of my youngest sister’s birth
Seventy years ago
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my parents' wedding anniversary
Seventy years ago
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my sister's death on my parents' anniversary
Seventy years ago
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my being the same age as Ravi is today
This year
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my parents' wedding anniversary
This year
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my sister's death on my parents' anniversary
This year
Thanksgiving weekend commemorated my grand daughter's third birthday
How much do you comprehend concerning the connection linking PTSD to Projection?
Without so much as a conscious clue as to this matched set of triggers invading
My brain space, the emergence of this most recent eruption of PTSD catalyzed
The unhealed portion of my brain to unseal subconscious fears in
An unnamed state, transforming my brain into a time machine, which
Shot my mental, emotional and physical sense of personal safety straight back
Into 1947 as though only a millisecond separated the mental state of
The intelligent adult, whom I've grown to be, today, from
The deeply confounded, wholly traumatized, three year old
Child, whose undeveloped think tank had no clue, whatsoever, of
What was taking place in our lives, other than the fact that after
My grandpa and baby sister had mystifyingly disappeared
All of the adults, who'd peopled my life had become ghostlike
Zombies, who'd lost their quick, good natured smiles as well as
Control over their minds, and somehow, during
Thanksgiving weekend of 2017, flashes of memory, each of which
Lasted no more than a millisecond in length, saw
My subconscious zooming back and forth across the time line, covering
A span of seventy years without so much as offering
My conscious awareness even one clue as to what had caused
Subconscious fear to become so self empowered as to turn back
The hands of time, transforming my seventy-three year old brain into
A time traveler, whose emotional reactions (no longer repressed) projected
The same confounding sense of traumatized grief and fear of death that
My processor had unconsciously soaked in, seven decades back, and just as
This overwhelming degree of fearsome negativity had invaded the well being of
A three year old's undeveloped think tank, this 74 year old woman's connection to
Personal safety shattered as if The Spector of Death—which
Threatened my survival instincts from within my head—was
Actually lurking outside my front door, waiting to strike me or
A loved one down, causing me to feel all alone with an anxious sense of
Sadness while surrounded by a jovial grouping of family and friends, all of whom
Expressed concern for the fact that I had need to be within arms reach of
A chair or the couch, because no one (inclusive of me) had a clue that
My mind was reeling between 1947 and 2017, suggesting that as long as
This unnamed reason for dizziness continued to terrorize
My adult sense of personal safety, my temporary disconnect from
Clarity, concerning today's reality, could not possibility begin to
Comprehend whatever had triggered this episodic attack of PTSD, and
As long as my brain wavered somewhere between the age of 74 and 3
No connective pathway to communicate exactly which similarity had hijacked
My processor to associate this happy Thanksgiving with another so terrifying as
To have hijacked all connection to logic, which would have spotlighted
The terrifying childhood event that had deemed my adult brain too dizzy from
Spinning back and forth in time so as to feel myself existing in
A semi conscious, light-headed state, which rendered my intelligence
Out of commission for as long as I was unable to hold up my head or
Function in a standing position, beginning on Thanksgiving day and ending on
Sunday, when, unlike years past, this trio of festive events, honoring
Thanksgiving, my parents’ anniversary and Ravi’s birthday had naturally
Entertained my sense of fun to fly high, whereas this year
The concurrence of this same set of events plunged my spirit so low as to
Stimulate my intuitive need to forfeit my ticket to the football game on Sunday
(Following Ravi's Lion King birthday party on Saturday) in favor of
Remaining at home to spin my cocoon after reassuring Will and David that
I'd be fine on my own while they enjoyed the game, and as my menfolk have come to
Understand my need to figure my way through each episode of PTSD in
A safe haven, where peace and quiet encourage an uprising of latent anxiety to
Calm down, my brain, absorbing a sense of peaceful pensiveness, aroused
My well-practiced intuition to power up in contemplation of
The weekend’s trifecta in hopes of releasing a insight-laden flash of
Deeper truth, linking my light-headed reactions to subconscious triggers so that
With specific triggers clearly in mind, this anxiety soaked, grief struck reaction
Would stop haunting my sense of safety, ASAP, and sure enough
As minutes tick tocked from one hour to the next, the first insight
Ignited, sparking a string of insights, each of which served to brighten
My brain's growing ability to calm this most recent episode of
PTSD on my own once this first fact flashed through my conscious mind, pushing
Doom and gloom aside as though to make room in my think tank for
This positively focused truth to dominate center stage:
Never again will Ravi’s third birthday fall on Thanksgiving, because
Never again will this sweet child be three, and the simplicity of that fact
Released this next string of insights, spotlighting the repressed sense of
Terrifying flashbacks that I’d had no conscious clue of 'remembering'
Throughout those three days when my deeply personal ordeal, which
On the surface didn't make sense, signaled my subconscious to ready itself to
Release, expose and clearly express a whale of repressed grief, which
Had remained secreted within an unidentified, deeply pained pocket of
My subconscious for more than seventy years, suggesting the collapse of
My wall of denial, behind which had been stored layers of confounding
Emotionally debilitating sadness, which having been newly released, frees
My conscious connection to wholeness to fully acknowledge
The heavily weighted, personal impact that my sweet baby sister's death had on
My psyche, which had sensed that her life had been snuffed out before
She'd lived long enough to have had a conscious clue as to how deeply
She'd been loved and mourned, not just by her parents, but
By grief struck, three year old me—and in addition to the fact that
My think tank has successfully puzzled its way toward
Enlightening the conscious portion of my mind by fully exposing and identifying
The matched set of triggers, which, likened to bottle of champagne that was
Given reason to pop its cork, repressed pain and grief as well as
A lifetime of emotional complexity erupted and geysered out in a cascade of
Foaming emotion, which has been expressed, over these past three weeks until
I'd sought time to feed my strong need for peaceful seclusion, which offered
My sciatic pain down time to lessen, considerably—and now that I've openly
Confronted my on-going need to fully express my fury at the voting populous for
Elevating Trump, a known sexual predatory pedophile, to the status of world leader
My intuitive voice can safely say that these past several weeks of cocooning
(Whenever Celina didn't need me to provide a happy haven in which to take
Loving care of Ravi's three year old spirit) enabled me to confront
The worst eruption of PTSD that I've experienced since the episode preceding and
Following Will’s cancer surgery, four years ago, and now that both episodes
Make sense, my anxiety has not just eased up—it has totally subsided—and
Knowing that I've made my way through this attack so quietly (without drawing
Undo attention away from various festivities that everyone enjoyed) suggests that
No one's pleasure, throughout this holiday weekend, was disrupted, indicating
Yet another spiritually strengthening fact: Though my conscious mind felt too
Fuzzy to pinpoint the matched set of triggers that had catalyzed
This episode of PTSD to erupt, the intuitive portion of my brain had actually
Maintained a portion of its connection to intelligent thought, throughout
The three day weekend, at least enough to free my spirit to smile and embrace
More than seventy loved ones (some of whom had partied with us during
Thanksgiving and then we saw that number more than double, during
Ravi's backyard birthday party) while my brain hovered between
Two planes of awareness, suggestive of yet another spiritually strengthening fact:
Rather than capitulating to the intensity of this episode of PTSD, which
Saw my mind reeling in an overstimulated state, I did not feel
A pressing need to bow out of the festivities and remain cocooned at home
In fact, I found myself participating good-naturedly, as cool as a cucumber, meaning
That I'd maintained enough strength of spirit to hold my need to
Spin my cocoon at bay for three action-filled days, and that insight-driven reflection
Suggests my growing awareness of this fact:
Between June and November of this year, my line of self control has gained
A considerable sense of dominance over serious attacks of PTSD—I mean
If we back track to the month of June, when my family rented
A spacious beach house where three generations of Shapiro's chose to convene on
The west coast in celebration of Bryan’s high school graduation, we can
Reflect over the fact that the only family function I'd been able to
Muster the courage and energy to attend (during that entire light-headed week) was
The graduation ceremony, itself—and thus, retrospectively, I can see that
Progress toward change for the better continues to inch forward, little by
Little, concerning my brain’s self motivated, personally challenging
Determination to heal itself completely from feeling threatened by future
Episodic uprisings of PTSD—and with that conscious awareness
Spotlighting mindful changes for the better that serve to enhance
My self-esteeming, positively focused spirit’s quality of life—
My spirit felt sound reason to leap up and smile brightly—right now!
Why? Well—though we all covet the end of a painfully challenging
Mind bending journey, I've grown to embrace the importance of
Celebrating every sweet spot that life offers, which strengthens my connection to
Hope—not once in a while but every day, in some significant, perhaps
Obscure way, signaling my intuitive voice to ring out clear as a bell each time
This fact of life reminds me that its always darkest before the dawn :
With each train of thought penned, the light at the end of the tunnel of
Love draws my connection to clarity, concerning today's reality, nearer to
Feeling wholly fulfilled, and thus will my mind (whether I feel dizzily
Caught up within a future episode of time-traveling PTSD or I feel need to
Refuel mind and spirit in the aftermath of having successfully
Made my way through the haze of each next emotionally charged
Mental maze or I feel spiritually re-energized, mentally grounded and
Emotionally well balanced) seek to embrace every infinitesimal
Change for the better until the blessed day dawns when my well grounded
Connection to mental clarity, concerning today's reality, banishes
Future episodes of spiritually debilitating PTSD from erupting and
Invading my personal safety's sense of pure joy—once and for all
Whew!
Thursday, December 21, 2017
CHANGE FOR THE BETTER RELIES UPON ...
Upon awakening, this morning
Insights of significant importance, concerning
Healing my brain from the inside out so as not to
Re-experience self defeating, mind reeling
Spiritually depleting attacks of PTSD, repeatedly
Were added to yesterday’s post ...
If you ask what catalyzed additional insights to
Manifest consciously upon waking, feeling well rested, today
I’ll reference a conversation that took place during
Dinner, last night, while Will, David and I feasted upon
Chinese cuisine prepared by our dear friend and neighbor of
More than twenty years, whose family owns
An authentic Asian restaurant, near by —
While chopsticks clicked
Our minds engaged interactively as we three discussed
Scenes from a film, soon to be distributed to
Theaters across the nation, which had need to be
Reshot and edited in record time so as to replace
Kevin Spacey, leaving the pedophile on the cutting room floor
And as our conversation continued, the conscious portion of
My awareness wandered from Spacey toward
The pedophile residing in The White House, whereby
My body shivered; I felt clammy and my mind’s sudden sense of
Dizziness left me feeling spacey as though the mere thought of
Trump’s unexpected rise to,political power had, once again
Crudely invaded my personal sense of safety by rudely disrupting
My mindful connection to inner peace as soon as
My train of thought considered the impossibility of paying any
Respectful degree of homage to a President, whose sick mind felt
Empowered to burst into the dressing room of
The Miss Teen Aged America Contest, regardless of knowing that
Under age girls, being unclad, would feel a deeply humiliated need to
Cover their betrayed sense of innocence while being ogled by
A mogul, whose smarminess has grown every bit as powerful as
The immensity of his wealth as though outrageous wealth empowers
A person’s dark side to bulk up, like The Hulk, so far above
Common decency as to break one law after another at will, and
As one thought coupled up with the next, as though all on their own
The wandering nature of my subconscious spoke volumes to
My conscious awareness, literally making me feel so light-headed and
Sick to my stomach that I can see why the defense systems of
Millions of people continue to sever their conscious awareness from
The frightening nature of this deeper truth: Hidden behind their
Mental block lies the reality of the fact that this slick shyster, who having been
Elected President of the United States of America, has shnuckered voters
(Including voters who were elected to serve in congress in order to ensure that
Laws are drawn up, enacted and upheld, which are meant to protect
Our lives, liberties and right to pursue happiness from buckling under
The callus, brass knuckled domination of minds that prove as
Self serving as Trump's). And the fact that so many, hiding behind
Silence, fail to rise up, denounce him as the beast that he is and
Demand that this sexual pervert, tax dodging felon, who must be
Impeached if not actually tried and jailed without bail, is deemed fit
To rule our nation while actors, directors, congressmen, businessmen and
Clergy are removed from high office with retroactive haste is insane ...
Well, hopefully, you are among those who can see why
My brain’s well practiced defense mechanism of
Personally disassociating my sanity from insanity during
Childhood has been so readily triggered as the merest hint of
Deeply repressed fury, which proves directly associated with
My disassociated memory of sexual assault suffered repeatedly at
The hand of a pedophile, which I'd stuffed into subconscious storage, has
Had ample and logical reason to continue to erupt ever since
Trump usurped control over the brain’s of so many people as to
Have astoundingly ascended to the Oval Office, over night —however
Last night, my conscious mind maintained so much of
The presence of 'the here and now' as to have alerted
My self assertive voice to interrupt our conversation, releasing
My intelligence to take center stage, freeing my self-respect to
Interject that my heart was racing, my mind was reeling and
I’d suddenly felt faint, cueing my husband to
Offer me a glass of water, and following my therapist’s suggestion
I uncapped and inhaled the strong, re-grounding scent of peppermint salts while
We three awaited the arousal of my survival instinct to calm down—which
Thankfully, it did in record time, freeing my spirit to enjoy the evening that
Stretched peacefully ahead with my family, sans spiking anxiety
Upon awakening, today, my intuitive voice
Guided my conscious mind to scroll back, revise and
Strengthen insights that emerged while editing
Yesterday’s post before penning this post, today
And though 90% of my conscious mind feels
Rooted in today’s sense of reality, I feel a hint of a headache
Coming on as well as a slight gag reflex closing my throat as
Though an intensely horrific memory is presently attempting to
Dislodge itself from a vice that exists between my brain and
Stomach, so as to squeeze latent pain out of
My heart—on the other hand, this may not be a horrendous
Memory, at all, but rather a deeper truth that's feeling ready to
Ride out of subconscious intellect upon a flash of insight
And if you ask me to identify which positively focused insight
May be attempting to pull today’s intuitive train of thought into
A peaceful rest station, momentarily, I’d respond that
My spirit brightened and lightened as soon as
This reply leaped into my conscious mind:
I can feel my conscious intelligence working to
Soothe my head, melt the lump in my throat and
Ease up on the vice so as to calm my heart before
The phantom-like presence of the dead pedophile, whom
I've been writing about, can haunt my subconscious by
Taunting my sense of inner peace with Trump’s presumptive
Presence looming darkly above the heads of innocent victims, who
Will be next to fall prey to the nature of this man’s unstopped
Evil shark sharpened greed, and though I can't stop this bully from
Existing, I can pull my finger off of the trigger that stimulates
My survival instinct to feel need to faint dead away as had
Almost proved true as recently as last night, though, thank goodness
My connection to clarity, concerning every person’s need for
Courage, every day, regardless of age, color, religion or
Nationality suggests my having grown ever more attentively aware of
This reality: Presently, my loved ones and I are safe from
Imminent harm, and no matter how hard my heart had worked
Throughout my life while spreading my energy thin, I still can’t
Stretch my arms around the world to save every mother’s child from
Harm any more than I had been able to save myself from
Evil closing in, and so in lieu of continuing to stress myself out by
Stretching beyond human limitation, I cannon my thoughts throughout
Cyberspace by way of penning and publishing this blog in hopes that
My belief in the power of one may strengthen my sense of
Holding hands with the powers of many, each time
The next uprising of subconscious EVIL threatens to
Close in so as to remind my conscious self that
As long more of us learn to grasp the fact that every insight gained
Offers a key to unlocking our communal need to muster
The courage to welcome each next insight-driven
Personal growth spurt so as to break self-imposed chains of silence, based in
Childhood’s repressed fear of resurrecting yesteryear’s pain so that
As adults, we can gain the courage necessary to
Calm our minds of anxiety's dizzying noise in time to listen for and heed
Intuitive suggestion to make better use of our self assertive voices, more
Often, by lessening our subconscious fear of being cast out, all alone —
You see, each time good will toward men, women and children
Overcomes IMAGINED fear of evil closing in darkly on you and me
Our subconscious fear (repressed from conscious awareness during
Childhood) of being all alone on the playground to fend for ourselves in
A cold, cruel world feels relieved, and each time imagined fear, arising from
Within our subconscious depths, is fully revealed, today, our precious
Presence of mind and spirit feel graciously at peace, once again
Whew! So good to know that, currently, my mindful connection to
Clarity, concerning today’s reality, dodged last night’s bullet before
Yet another eruptive episode of PTSD shot my conscious connection to
Inner peace full of holes, projecting a dead pedophile to haunt
My lost sense of innocence, plaguing my current sense of well being with
Anger or undeserved guilt or whatever emotional reaction
I managed to quell, last night—and
Here’s another shot in the arm meant to inoculate
My conscious awareness against the unstopped release of
Subconscious terrors as my future unfolds:
I'm keeping in mind the fact that my therapist plans to offer up
A new plan of action in hopes of readying my awareness to
Move steadily forward toward completing my process of healing at
A quickened pace, and as hope is always a positively focused source of fuel to
Recharge my spirit, the wattage of my smile re-energized as naturally as
My present sense of mindfulness recited this next thought aloud:
Count my sense of readiness 100% IN!
Three year old innocence melts my heart while my determination to heal continues to strengthen
Insights of significant importance, concerning
Healing my brain from the inside out so as not to
Re-experience self defeating, mind reeling
Spiritually depleting attacks of PTSD, repeatedly
Were added to yesterday’s post ...
If you ask what catalyzed additional insights to
Manifest consciously upon waking, feeling well rested, today
I’ll reference a conversation that took place during
Dinner, last night, while Will, David and I feasted upon
Chinese cuisine prepared by our dear friend and neighbor of
More than twenty years, whose family owns
An authentic Asian restaurant, near by —
While chopsticks clicked
Our minds engaged interactively as we three discussed
Scenes from a film, soon to be distributed to
Theaters across the nation, which had need to be
Reshot and edited in record time so as to replace
Kevin Spacey, leaving the pedophile on the cutting room floor
And as our conversation continued, the conscious portion of
My awareness wandered from Spacey toward
The pedophile residing in The White House, whereby
My body shivered; I felt clammy and my mind’s sudden sense of
Dizziness left me feeling spacey as though the mere thought of
Trump’s unexpected rise to,political power had, once again
Crudely invaded my personal sense of safety by rudely disrupting
My mindful connection to inner peace as soon as
My train of thought considered the impossibility of paying any
Respectful degree of homage to a President, whose sick mind felt
Empowered to burst into the dressing room of
The Miss Teen Aged America Contest, regardless of knowing that
Under age girls, being unclad, would feel a deeply humiliated need to
Cover their betrayed sense of innocence while being ogled by
A mogul, whose smarminess has grown every bit as powerful as
The immensity of his wealth as though outrageous wealth empowers
A person’s dark side to bulk up, like The Hulk, so far above
Common decency as to break one law after another at will, and
As one thought coupled up with the next, as though all on their own
The wandering nature of my subconscious spoke volumes to
My conscious awareness, literally making me feel so light-headed and
Sick to my stomach that I can see why the defense systems of
Millions of people continue to sever their conscious awareness from
The frightening nature of this deeper truth: Hidden behind their
Mental block lies the reality of the fact that this slick shyster, who having been
Elected President of the United States of America, has shnuckered voters
(Including voters who were elected to serve in congress in order to ensure that
Laws are drawn up, enacted and upheld, which are meant to protect
Our lives, liberties and right to pursue happiness from buckling under
The callus, brass knuckled domination of minds that prove as
Self serving as Trump's). And the fact that so many, hiding behind
Silence, fail to rise up, denounce him as the beast that he is and
Demand that this sexual pervert, tax dodging felon, who must be
Impeached if not actually tried and jailed without bail, is deemed fit
To rule our nation while actors, directors, congressmen, businessmen and
Clergy are removed from high office with retroactive haste is insane ...
Well, hopefully, you are among those who can see why
My brain’s well practiced defense mechanism of
Personally disassociating my sanity from insanity during
Childhood has been so readily triggered as the merest hint of
Deeply repressed fury, which proves directly associated with
My disassociated memory of sexual assault suffered repeatedly at
The hand of a pedophile, which I'd stuffed into subconscious storage, has
Had ample and logical reason to continue to erupt ever since
Trump usurped control over the brain’s of so many people as to
Have astoundingly ascended to the Oval Office, over night —however
Last night, my conscious mind maintained so much of
The presence of 'the here and now' as to have alerted
My self assertive voice to interrupt our conversation, releasing
My intelligence to take center stage, freeing my self-respect to
Interject that my heart was racing, my mind was reeling and
I’d suddenly felt faint, cueing my husband to
Offer me a glass of water, and following my therapist’s suggestion
I uncapped and inhaled the strong, re-grounding scent of peppermint salts while
We three awaited the arousal of my survival instinct to calm down—which
Thankfully, it did in record time, freeing my spirit to enjoy the evening that
Stretched peacefully ahead with my family, sans spiking anxiety
Upon awakening, today, my intuitive voice
Guided my conscious mind to scroll back, revise and
Strengthen insights that emerged while editing
Yesterday’s post before penning this post, today
And though 90% of my conscious mind feels
Rooted in today’s sense of reality, I feel a hint of a headache
Coming on as well as a slight gag reflex closing my throat as
Though an intensely horrific memory is presently attempting to
Dislodge itself from a vice that exists between my brain and
Stomach, so as to squeeze latent pain out of
My heart—on the other hand, this may not be a horrendous
Memory, at all, but rather a deeper truth that's feeling ready to
Ride out of subconscious intellect upon a flash of insight
And if you ask me to identify which positively focused insight
May be attempting to pull today’s intuitive train of thought into
A peaceful rest station, momentarily, I’d respond that
My spirit brightened and lightened as soon as
This reply leaped into my conscious mind:
I can feel my conscious intelligence working to
Soothe my head, melt the lump in my throat and
Ease up on the vice so as to calm my heart before
The phantom-like presence of the dead pedophile, whom
I've been writing about, can haunt my subconscious by
Taunting my sense of inner peace with Trump’s presumptive
Presence looming darkly above the heads of innocent victims, who
Will be next to fall prey to the nature of this man’s unstopped
Evil shark sharpened greed, and though I can't stop this bully from
Existing, I can pull my finger off of the trigger that stimulates
My survival instinct to feel need to faint dead away as had
Almost proved true as recently as last night, though, thank goodness
My connection to clarity, concerning every person’s need for
Courage, every day, regardless of age, color, religion or
Nationality suggests my having grown ever more attentively aware of
This reality: Presently, my loved ones and I are safe from
Imminent harm, and no matter how hard my heart had worked
Throughout my life while spreading my energy thin, I still can’t
Stretch my arms around the world to save every mother’s child from
Harm any more than I had been able to save myself from
Evil closing in, and so in lieu of continuing to stress myself out by
Stretching beyond human limitation, I cannon my thoughts throughout
Cyberspace by way of penning and publishing this blog in hopes that
My belief in the power of one may strengthen my sense of
Holding hands with the powers of many, each time
The next uprising of subconscious EVIL threatens to
Close in so as to remind my conscious self that
As long more of us learn to grasp the fact that every insight gained
Offers a key to unlocking our communal need to muster
The courage to welcome each next insight-driven
Personal growth spurt so as to break self-imposed chains of silence, based in
Childhood’s repressed fear of resurrecting yesteryear’s pain so that
As adults, we can gain the courage necessary to
Calm our minds of anxiety's dizzying noise in time to listen for and heed
Intuitive suggestion to make better use of our self assertive voices, more
Often, by lessening our subconscious fear of being cast out, all alone —
You see, each time good will toward men, women and children
Overcomes IMAGINED fear of evil closing in darkly on you and me
Our subconscious fear (repressed from conscious awareness during
Childhood) of being all alone on the playground to fend for ourselves in
A cold, cruel world feels relieved, and each time imagined fear, arising from
Within our subconscious depths, is fully revealed, today, our precious
Presence of mind and spirit feel graciously at peace, once again
Whew! So good to know that, currently, my mindful connection to
Clarity, concerning today’s reality, dodged last night’s bullet before
Yet another eruptive episode of PTSD shot my conscious connection to
Inner peace full of holes, projecting a dead pedophile to haunt
My lost sense of innocence, plaguing my current sense of well being with
Anger or undeserved guilt or whatever emotional reaction
I managed to quell, last night—and
Here’s another shot in the arm meant to inoculate
My conscious awareness against the unstopped release of
Subconscious terrors as my future unfolds:
I'm keeping in mind the fact that my therapist plans to offer up
A new plan of action in hopes of readying my awareness to
Move steadily forward toward completing my process of healing at
A quickened pace, and as hope is always a positively focused source of fuel to
Recharge my spirit, the wattage of my smile re-energized as naturally as
My present sense of mindfulness recited this next thought aloud:
Count my sense of readiness 100% IN!
Three year old innocence melts my heart while my determination to heal continues to strengthen
Three weeks ago: Ravi's birthday cake is about to be
Set down before this sweet child with four candles aflame
Set down before this sweet child with four candles aflame
Three in celebration of her precious years on earth and
The fourth for good luck—Of course!
Or perhaps
Flame #1 is symbolic of firing up Ravi's innate strength of mind
Flame #2 is symbolic of firing up Ravi's innate strength of spirit
Flame #3 is symbolic of firing up Ravi's innate potential to make sound use of her voice
And, yes—Flame #4 is still for good luck—of course :)
Please take note of Ravi's 'tattoo'
Recently, she see herself as Kion
(Offspring of grown up Simba from The Lion King)
Being Simba, Ravi has not donned a princess gown for many weeks
Why not?
Because Ravi believes herself to be
The Leader of the good guys who protect the Pride Lands from
Predators (as can clearly be seen in this photo, which
Was proudly displayed on the invitation to her third birthday party)
And even three year olds know that lions with manes and tails do not wear gowns
I'm constantly amazed at how much knowledge Ravi’s intellect has
Soaked into memory at the tender age of three
Trains of thought, which emerge, naturally, from my grand-daughter’s
Self-assertive think tank blow my mind, every day ...
The fourth for good luck—Of course!
Or perhaps
Flame #1 is symbolic of firing up Ravi's innate strength of mind
Flame #2 is symbolic of firing up Ravi's innate strength of spirit
Flame #3 is symbolic of firing up Ravi's innate potential to make sound use of her voice
And, yes—Flame #4 is still for good luck—of course :)
Please take note of Ravi's 'tattoo'
Recently, she see herself as Kion
(Offspring of grown up Simba from The Lion King)
Being Simba, Ravi has not donned a princess gown for many weeks
Why not?
Because Ravi believes herself to be
The Leader of the good guys who protect the Pride Lands from
Predators (as can clearly be seen in this photo, which
Was proudly displayed on the invitation to her third birthday party)
And even three year olds know that lions with manes and tails do not wear gowns
Soaked into memory at the tender age of three
Trains of thought, which emerge, naturally, from my grand-daughter’s
Self-assertive think tank blow my mind, every day ...
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
HAPPINESS, SERENITY, FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, DENIAL AND CLARITY ...
Over recent years, the intuitive portion of my brain has sensed my readiness to expose spurts of latent fear, unexpressed grief, and deeply repressed bursts of anger, all of which comprise the trifecta that pushes so heavily against my wall of denial as to produce cracks through which each of those negatively charged emotions tends to seep out of my subconscious while my conscious mind remains disassociated from the actual memories that are directly responsible for releasing the latency of those negatively charged feelings, which rouse my survival instinct to call forth my defense mechanism of dizziness, which separates my mental connection to conscious awareness as soon as any thought of revisiting yesteryear’s terrifying experiences resonates throughout my body as though fainting, dead away, is the only way to save me from confronting deeper truths ramming away at my wall of defensive denial with such a growing sense of persistence as to crash through the flood gates and ride out of my subconscious on flashes of insight regarding traumas past, thereby expanding my awareness of the bigger picture of the woman whose dark side remained secreted from the conscious portion of my mind as well as from the public eye over most of my life until EMDR therapy placed a magical mirror into my hand, which, upon reflecting the shadow life that exists behind the natural sparkle of my smile, offers me glimpses of both sides of my existential personality, each of which has, thus far, emerged from within my brain at different times on separate wave lengths, suggestive of this fact:
Both sides of me, which make up my whole, are still operating independently of one another, meaning they remain in need of synthesizing so that my shadow life can no longer be triggered by current events to suck my brightly lit spirit (which ignites my smile’s genuine glow) into the bottomless depths of yesteryear’s black hole where muddied memories of emotional rapids drown my intellect’s connection to courage in quicksand, again and again ...
So—with today’s insightful spotlight of clarity leading my intuitive way ever more deeply into my brain, it’s no wonder that I’ve recently been feeling such a strong pull toward cocooning my vulnerabilities within a safe haven in hopes of injecting my entire being with peace and quiet while my spirit recovers from a phantom-like fear and my brain’s connection to positively focused courage refuels.
And now that my intuitive voice has come to inform my conscious awareness of need to work at synthesizing both sides of my personality into a better balanced, unified whole, I believe that today’s post, concerning my desire to take a leap of faith toward my next growth spurt, is readying my inner strengths to rise up and tackle my defense system’s pattern of disassociation to the mat, so that I no longer feel so supremely self confident as to feel invincible OR so deathly afraid of evil closing in as to hide in a closet like a three year old child but rather to feel myself developing into a living example of a person, whose chosen path consistently leads toward growth spurts of self improvement, one cautious, ever more deeply aware, step at a time—throughout my life ...
Yesterday, I asked my therapist if my two sides can actually be synthesized so that PTSD will stop crippling my mental connection to personal safety, and you can imagine the size of my sigh of relief upon listening to her reply: With readiness clearly and consciously expressed, the answer is yes!
That led me to ask: Will it take long? Again, relief washed over me, permeating fear with courage, when her response suggested that: Now that you’ve worked to develop the self assertive portion of your voice, which fear had choked back during childhood—this plan should enable your intellect to nip episodes of PTSD in the bud—and once you are healed, through and through, PTSD will trouble you no more ...
Imagine my mind, spirit and body walking out of my therapist's office feeling more self-assured than when I'd walked in.
Imagine my mind busily considering my current connection to clarity working toward blending my personality’s bright and dark sides for real so as to lighten my spirit's heavy sense of weightiness as I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the busy thoroughfare where the rest of my life awaits to welcome my fledgling sense of wholeness, which feels eager to embrace each next grow spurt believing in greater gain, less pain than when I’d walked into today’s session of EMDR only an hour before—and isn’t this avowal of working toward synthesizing the bond connecting my sense of courage to self improvement the very thing that my participation in soul-searching therapy to heal my brain of PTSD is all about?
Both sides of me, which make up my whole, are still operating independently of one another, meaning they remain in need of synthesizing so that my shadow life can no longer be triggered by current events to suck my brightly lit spirit (which ignites my smile’s genuine glow) into the bottomless depths of yesteryear’s black hole where muddied memories of emotional rapids drown my intellect’s connection to courage in quicksand, again and again ...
So—with today’s insightful spotlight of clarity leading my intuitive way ever more deeply into my brain, it’s no wonder that I’ve recently been feeling such a strong pull toward cocooning my vulnerabilities within a safe haven in hopes of injecting my entire being with peace and quiet while my spirit recovers from a phantom-like fear and my brain’s connection to positively focused courage refuels.
And now that my intuitive voice has come to inform my conscious awareness of need to work at synthesizing both sides of my personality into a better balanced, unified whole, I believe that today’s post, concerning my desire to take a leap of faith toward my next growth spurt, is readying my inner strengths to rise up and tackle my defense system’s pattern of disassociation to the mat, so that I no longer feel so supremely self confident as to feel invincible OR so deathly afraid of evil closing in as to hide in a closet like a three year old child but rather to feel myself developing into a living example of a person, whose chosen path consistently leads toward growth spurts of self improvement, one cautious, ever more deeply aware, step at a time—throughout my life ...
Yesterday, I asked my therapist if my two sides can actually be synthesized so that PTSD will stop crippling my mental connection to personal safety, and you can imagine the size of my sigh of relief upon listening to her reply: With readiness clearly and consciously expressed, the answer is yes!
That led me to ask: Will it take long? Again, relief washed over me, permeating fear with courage, when her response suggested that: Now that you’ve worked to develop the self assertive portion of your voice, which fear had choked back during childhood—this plan should enable your intellect to nip episodes of PTSD in the bud—and once you are healed, through and through, PTSD will trouble you no more ...
Imagine my mind, spirit and body walking out of my therapist's office feeling more self-assured than when I'd walked in.
Imagine my mind busily considering my current connection to clarity working toward blending my personality’s bright and dark sides for real so as to lighten my spirit's heavy sense of weightiness as I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the busy thoroughfare where the rest of my life awaits to welcome my fledgling sense of wholeness, which feels eager to embrace each next grow spurt believing in greater gain, less pain than when I’d walked into today’s session of EMDR only an hour before—and isn’t this avowal of working toward synthesizing the bond connecting my sense of courage to self improvement the very thing that my participation in soul-searching therapy to heal my brain of PTSD is all about?
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
LETS LOOK AT THE INTRICATE FUNCTIONALITIES OF YOUR BRAIN AND MINE
Feb 27, 2017 · The brain is one of the largest and most complex organs in the human body. It is made up of more than 100 billion nerves that communicate in trillions of connections called synapses. The brain is made up of many specialized areas that work together: The cortex is the outermost layer of brain cells.
Brain. The brain is one of the most complex and magnificent organs in the human body. Our brain gives us awareness of ourselves and of our environment, processing a constant stream of sensory data. It controls our muscle movements, the secretions of our glands, and even our breathing and internal temperature.
Mar 25, 2016 · A project to map the structure and function of the human brain has been proposed. ... to develop new technologies that will produce a dynamic picture of the human brain, from the level of individual cells to complex circuits.
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