Received really good news, last night
News we'd been hoping for over
Quite some time, concerning David, and
As confirmation of this vital step forward offered
Our spirits reason to cartwheel with joy—I
Feeling much too excited to hit the sack
(This adrenalin rush was welcomed with open arms)—
Made the mistake of looking at Thursday's post at
Midnight and didn't push re-publish till 4AM
Then awakening this morning at 8AM, feeling curious to see
What insights intuitive thought had felt need to add to
Yesterday's post in the still of the night, I found that
Each new string of insight inspired even more to emerge, so
Of course, intuition's compelling need to add deeper meaning to
Trains of thought, penned during the wee hours
Refused to stop fleshing out every insight, which had
Already been written, suggesting that
Insights, which continued to shed light onto
The next, over the past 24 hours
Served to round out Thursday's post by quite a lot
And though my mind feels weary with lack of sleep
Here's why my spirit feels fully stoked, while writing, right now:
My soul is singing with appreciation for territory covered
Step by step, as my thought processor continues
To clarify strings of insight, which, though not new to me
Needed to be more deeply absorbed than
Had been possible before Will's surgery compelled
Humility to surface to such a startling degree as to have
Swallowed me whole to the point of compelling my confounded mind to
Reach out for professional expertise, knowing that while
And though my mind feels weary with lack of sleep
Here's why my spirit feels fully stoked, while writing, right now:
My soul is singing with appreciation for territory covered
Step by step, as my thought processor continues
To clarify strings of insight, which, though not new to me
Needed to be more deeply absorbed than
Had been possible before Will's surgery compelled
Humility to surface to such a startling degree as to have
Swallowed me whole to the point of compelling my confounded mind to
Reach out for professional expertise, knowing that while
Astute encouragement bollstered my couragintuitive thought would
drill through yet another layer of denial while
Whatever little was left of my waining state of clarity clung
Cliffside to that which had felt like the end of my rope—
I mean it's not as if inner strengths had failed me in the past when
Life threatening surgeries proved necessary or when
My beloved father passed from this life to whatever awaits us, next
So the fact that the depth of my emotional crises
(Born of repressed torment, continuing to swirl out of
The black hole, which took weeks to expose as
Intuition compelled me to bore through
The next layer of denial's wall) felt so devastatingly real, as to
Whatever little was left of my waining state of clarity clung
Cliffside to that which had felt like the end of my rope—
I mean it's not as if inner strengths had failed me in the past when
Life threatening surgeries proved necessary or when
My beloved father passed from this life to whatever awaits us, next
So the fact that the depth of my emotional crises
(Born of repressed torment, continuing to swirl out of
The black hole, which took weeks to expose as
Intuition compelled me to bore through
The next layer of denial's wall) felt so devastatingly real, as to
Recreate my sense of terror to feel as if
An unidentified danger, closing in on
My conscious mind more fiercely than
Ever before, was
Ever before, was
About to devour every inner strength that
I'd consciously worked to identify and
Absorb as my own, and
Though I could not fathom why my strengths
Though I could not fathom why my strengths
Appeared to implode, my last shreds of clarity knew not to
Let go of the end of that rope, which offered
My last shreds of hopeful self confidence refuge from
Losing faith in my personal history, concerning this fact:
Intuitive thought has habitually guided my brain to
Function as a cohesive, well balanced whole while processing its way through
Each tunnel of darkness until the bright light of insight, which
Thus far, has not failed to simplify mental complexity by
Retrieving a missing detail that proves crucial to
The emergence of a bigger picture, relating back to
A repetitive experience of abuse too terrifying for
A child's conscious mind to bear, and as Mother Nature
Deemed every detail of those experiences to be
Losing faith in my personal history, concerning this fact:
Intuitive thought has habitually guided my brain to
Function as a cohesive, well balanced whole while processing its way through
Each tunnel of darkness until the bright light of insight, which
Thus far, has not failed to simplify mental complexity by
Retrieving a missing detail that proves crucial to
The emergence of a bigger picture, relating back to
A repetitive experience of abuse too terrifying for
A child's conscious mind to bear, and as Mother Nature
Deemed every detail of those experiences to be
Deeply repressed, thus does a portion of
My terror remain subconsciously unresolved until
Intuitive thought deems me ready to
Muster the courage to dive deep enough to
Identify at least one more crucial detail, which
Refuses to emerge until my maturity level has
Absorbed the inner strength to take each next step toward
Exposing that which had scared (scarred) my
Conscious mind senseless at an early stage in life when
Complex levels of cognetive thought had not yet
Developed inter connective strings of insight necessary to
Compel a well-practiced adult think tank to
Drill, intuitively, relentlessly, ever more deeply
Through my wall of denial, until newly rebalanced
Well practiced inner strengths coax my subconscious to
Squeeze out at least a tidbit more of
One of several darkly terrifying times, all of which
Reach back, connectedly, to the fact that
In the aftermath of her baby sister's death, a black hole, swirling
With fear, opened up inside the mind of a good little girl, swallowing
Her ability to make sound use of her self assertive voice, which had
Barely begun to develop at the vulnerable age of three, and
Thus can you see that reaching in to pull each forgotten detail out of
The repressed portion of my memory bank feels like
Pulling an abscessed tooth out by its root sans anesthetics or
Laughing gas, suggesting the reason why every particle of
My mental and physical energy must divert toward
Focusing solely upon tunneling toward each dark detail, which
Like a pack of dangerous predators, remains so well hidden within
The shadowlands from my conscious mind, that not one iota of
Energy was left, in the aftermath of Will's cancer surgery to
Enable me to physically arise from the stricken state that
Astounded no one as much as me while my body lay curled in
The fetal position on my bed for as long as
An over production of adrenalin kept my muscles too rigid to
Bend my limbs without drawing forth super human strength ... WHEW!
And not until I came to see that
Intuitive thought deems me ready to
Muster the courage to dive deep enough to
Identify at least one more crucial detail, which
Refuses to emerge until my maturity level has
Absorbed the inner strength to take each next step toward
Exposing that which had scared (scarred) my
Conscious mind senseless at an early stage in life when
Complex levels of cognetive thought had not yet
Developed inter connective strings of insight necessary to
Compel a well-practiced adult think tank to
Drill, intuitively, relentlessly, ever more deeply
Through my wall of denial, until newly rebalanced
Well practiced inner strengths coax my subconscious to
Squeeze out at least a tidbit more of
One of several darkly terrifying times, all of which
Reach back, connectedly, to the fact that
In the aftermath of her baby sister's death, a black hole, swirling
With fear, opened up inside the mind of a good little girl, swallowing
Her ability to make sound use of her self assertive voice, which had
Barely begun to develop at the vulnerable age of three, and
Thus can you see that reaching in to pull each forgotten detail out of
The repressed portion of my memory bank feels like
Pulling an abscessed tooth out by its root sans anesthetics or
Laughing gas, suggesting the reason why every particle of
My mental and physical energy must divert toward
Focusing solely upon tunneling toward each dark detail, which
Like a pack of dangerous predators, remains so well hidden within
The shadowlands from my conscious mind, that not one iota of
Energy was left, in the aftermath of Will's cancer surgery to
Enable me to physically arise from the stricken state that
Astounded no one as much as me while my body lay curled in
The fetal position on my bed for as long as
An over production of adrenalin kept my muscles too rigid to
Bend my limbs without drawing forth super human strength ... WHEW!
And not until I came to see that
In no way would I ever allow any man to devour me if
Will's presence was no longer here to
Will's presence was no longer here to
Protect my very life from reexperiencing
That which a child could neither fathom nor physically bear, much less
Emotionally understand enough to bar
That which a child could neither fathom nor physically bear, much less
Emotionally understand enough to bar
Did my production of adrenalin decrease enough, once that
Revelation had cleared, to cleanse my body of
Revelation had cleared, to cleanse my body of
Undeserved guilt, thus freeing me to
Aarise, feeling abit more relaxed, revitalized, and
Free of that subconscious fear, over the next several weeks!
Last night, we attended theater with dear friends, who declared:
We're celebrating an important anniversary, tonight, to which we replied:
Oh really? It's not your wedding anniversary or ours, so
What kind of anniversary can it be?
Our friend's answer came as a surprise, as
Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Will's cancer surgery, and
As Will's diagnosis and surgery had followed my 99 year old mother's first
Cancer surgery, which, several months later, was followed by another, we
Can see how each additional stress to my mental strain as
I flew back and forth, monthly, from Will's ordeal to
Watching my precious mother leaving this earthly life in such
A painful, unpeaceful, yet courageous manner, suggesting that
Free of that subconscious fear, over the next several weeks!
Last night, we attended theater with dear friends, who declared:
We're celebrating an important anniversary, tonight, to which we replied:
Oh really? It's not your wedding anniversary or ours, so
What kind of anniversary can it be?
Our friend's answer came as a surprise, as
Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Will's cancer surgery, and
As Will's diagnosis and surgery had followed my 99 year old mother's first
Cancer surgery, which, several months later, was followed by another, we
Can see how each additional stress to my mental strain as
I flew back and forth, monthly, from Will's ordeal to
Watching my precious mother leaving this earthly life in such
A painful, unpeaceful, yet courageous manner, suggesting that
Over time, objective reflection discerns a person's vulnerabilities from his or her personal strengths —followed by
Will's course of radiation, five times, weekly, last summer ...
Suggesting why, the rebirth of good health and
The miraculous blessing of rejoicing in
New life as we continue to delight in Ravi's
Effervescent presence, followed by this summer, flowing with
Familial togetherness, has offered my mind and spirit
Sound reason to float on a euphoric high for months, suggesting that
This summer's bliss contrasts with that which our family had experienced
Over the two that came before to the point that
Throughout this New Year's holiday, when we
Celebrate the birthday of the world, my spirit can't help but
Sing aloud, each time I feel need to
Release a highly personal sense of angst-ridden relief in favor of
Absorbing my newly restored freedom to fully embrace
The imperfect whole whom I'll continue to be while
Knowing full well that self improvement
Will continue to feed my soul with one caveat:
From now on the subtlies of undeserved guilt will
Not sneak into my think tank, clouding my judgement to the point of
Personal devastation, and here's why that's true:
During times of personal devastation
My adult think tank has habitually garnered
Sound reason to fortify my faith in intuitive thought working
Tirelessly to guide my path toward insight, each time
I feel a compelling need to brainstorm toward revealing
A deeply repressed, frightful detail from the past or
Brainstorming toward conjuring up a plan that
Frees all of me to adventure more courageously into
The great unknown where self discovery feels
Nurtured to expand, because I feel confident that
Each next forward step taken is fortified by
My faith in my seventy-one year old history, and thus
Over these past two years—beginning with two summers back
Leading forward toward this summer's brief
(Thank goodness for previous strings of insight absorbed)
Stay in intensive care—adversity has offered my conscious mind
Reason to dive ever more deeply into the complex depths of
My past, thus enriching my present state of awareness with
Undying gratitude (pun intended :) for intuitive thought, which
Continues to direct my soulful sense of wholeness toward
Revitalizing my attachment to heart-happy, good health each time
The river of life sweeps my well-intensioned ability to swim toward
Peaceful waters into next set of rapids, which
Rocks my boat to the point where my mind may flip out and my spirit
May sinks, but, life Molly Brown, this captain's ship refuses to sink ...
So, as long as my faith in intuitive thought serves as
My inner compass, my conscious mind need not fear
Swirling so deep into a bottomless abyss where dark visions of
I know not what threaten to swallow my thought processor whole
And as long as my belief in emergent insight has reason to root
Ever more deeply into my decision making process
Negative attitudes, which had clouded my self assessment will not
Detour me from advancing on this path, which
Given time, succeeds in uplifting my spirit to
Heights of joy, laced with inner peace, concerning
The well-balanced, though imperfect person, whom
The powers of deeply soulful reflection deem me to be, today
And you can believe me when I say this is not ego spouting
This is your friend, Annie, making
Sound use of my voice, at last, to express
The courage of my convictions with
Both self assurance and humility in hopes that
Clarity, concerning any last shreds of distrustful self rejection
Will not allow intuitive thought to slip through my fingers at
Times when freedom to choose to forego
Selflessness for the good health of my whole inspires
My fingertips to pen posts, showing me which
Next adventurous leap of faith proves necessary, thus
Detouring my mind from storytelling for
Longer periods of time than I can believe ...
On the other hand, as each string of
Insights expands the clarity of my
Conscious mind to draw forth bigger pictures
Intuitive thought suggests that
Each story I write will prove to be
More worthy of your time and mind than had
I simply skimmed over the top of my memory bank :)
PS Hopefully, time permitting, you'll
Choose to glance over yesterday's post, which
Contains insights, added, late
Last night and then, again this morning, because
Those trains of thought may prove
As self motivating as those penned, today ...
As to every heartfelt experience, which contributed to
My spirit soaring during this past week, beginning with
Rosh Hashanah and culminating in euphoria, following
Our Yom Kippur fast and feast
Please stay tuned, because
Right now, my mind needs to float gently down from
Cloud nine to land groundedly on planet earth in
Hopes of resting up after four hours sleep ...
I mean, glad and grateful as I am, advancing age suggests
That life, being short, means knowing when to
Re-energize my whole before
I find myself running no place fast on fumes—
Quoting the Raven: NEVERMORE :)
Will's course of radiation, five times, weekly, last summer ...
Suggesting why, the rebirth of good health and
The miraculous blessing of rejoicing in
New life as we continue to delight in Ravi's
Effervescent presence, followed by this summer, flowing with
Familial togetherness, has offered my mind and spirit
Sound reason to float on a euphoric high for months, suggesting that
This summer's bliss contrasts with that which our family had experienced
Over the two that came before to the point that
Throughout this New Year's holiday, when we
Celebrate the birthday of the world, my spirit can't help but
Sing aloud, each time I feel need to
Release a highly personal sense of angst-ridden relief in favor of
Absorbing my newly restored freedom to fully embrace
The imperfect whole whom I'll continue to be while
Knowing full well that self improvement
Will continue to feed my soul with one caveat:
From now on the subtlies of undeserved guilt will
Not sneak into my think tank, clouding my judgement to the point of
Personal devastation, and here's why that's true:
During times of personal devastation
My adult think tank has habitually garnered
Sound reason to fortify my faith in intuitive thought working
Tirelessly to guide my path toward insight, each time
I feel a compelling need to brainstorm toward revealing
A deeply repressed, frightful detail from the past or
Brainstorming toward conjuring up a plan that
Frees all of me to adventure more courageously into
The great unknown where self discovery feels
Nurtured to expand, because I feel confident that
Each next forward step taken is fortified by
My faith in my seventy-one year old history, and thus
Over these past two years—beginning with two summers back
Leading forward toward this summer's brief
(Thank goodness for previous strings of insight absorbed)
Stay in intensive care—adversity has offered my conscious mind
Reason to dive ever more deeply into the complex depths of
My past, thus enriching my present state of awareness with
Undying gratitude (pun intended :) for intuitive thought, which
Continues to direct my soulful sense of wholeness toward
Revitalizing my attachment to heart-happy, good health each time
The river of life sweeps my well-intensioned ability to swim toward
Peaceful waters into next set of rapids, which
Rocks my boat to the point where my mind may flip out and my spirit
May sinks, but, life Molly Brown, this captain's ship refuses to sink ...
So, as long as my faith in intuitive thought serves as
My inner compass, my conscious mind need not fear
Swirling so deep into a bottomless abyss where dark visions of
I know not what threaten to swallow my thought processor whole
And as long as my belief in emergent insight has reason to root
Ever more deeply into my decision making process
Negative attitudes, which had clouded my self assessment will not
Detour me from advancing on this path, which
Given time, succeeds in uplifting my spirit to
Heights of joy, laced with inner peace, concerning
The well-balanced, though imperfect person, whom
The powers of deeply soulful reflection deem me to be, today
And you can believe me when I say this is not ego spouting
This is your friend, Annie, making
Sound use of my voice, at last, to express
The courage of my convictions with
Both self assurance and humility in hopes that
Clarity, concerning any last shreds of distrustful self rejection
Will not allow intuitive thought to slip through my fingers at
Times when freedom to choose to forego
Selflessness for the good health of my whole inspires
My fingertips to pen posts, showing me which
Next adventurous leap of faith proves necessary, thus
Detouring my mind from storytelling for
Longer periods of time than I can believe ...
On the other hand, as each string of
Insights expands the clarity of my
Conscious mind to draw forth bigger pictures
Intuitive thought suggests that
Each story I write will prove to be
More worthy of your time and mind than had
I simply skimmed over the top of my memory bank :)
PS Hopefully, time permitting, you'll
Choose to glance over yesterday's post, which
Contains insights, added, late
Last night and then, again this morning, because
Those trains of thought may prove
As self motivating as those penned, today ...
As to every heartfelt experience, which contributed to
My spirit soaring during this past week, beginning with
Rosh Hashanah and culminating in euphoria, following
Our Yom Kippur fast and feast
Please stay tuned, because
Right now, my mind needs to float gently down from
Cloud nine to land groundedly on planet earth in
Hopes of resting up after four hours sleep ...
I mean, glad and grateful as I am, advancing age suggests
That life, being short, means knowing when to
Re-energize my whole before
I find myself running no place fast on fumes—
Quoting the Raven: NEVERMORE :)
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