Sunday, September 13, 2015

1410 INTRO TO MY INEXPERIENCED ADVENTURES INTO PARENTING Part 43

2015
You've read many a post penned when dark times saw my spirit tunneling toward insight in hopes of brightening my state of mind, wearied by anxiety born of confusion, suggesting why, presently, my connection to clarity offers me reason to feel light-hearted while expressing the depth of my contentment with family life over the summer, both at home in the desert and up north at our forested cabin retreat, as well as on the west coast (twice), then in the Midwest and now, here at home, where we plan to stay put for a while.  In fact, my pleasure center feels so tightly packed with positivity that everything we enjoyed, over these past three months, has run together with such heartfelt warmth that my memory has melted down, creating a wave pool, where anything resembling distress, which proved great enough to stress my heart's ventricle to malfunction, has swirled right out of my conscious mind ... because that's how a brain, trained to focus on the positive, works.

Though positive focus carried my spirit past times which had wearied my mind with anxiety while stressing my heart with grief, born of heartfelt loss, I did not expect my energy level to ascend to former heights, which I'd taken for granted before life grew so confoundingly complex as to mystify my reasoning powers until my quest to gain insight into clarity was realized, thus inspiring a necessary change in my attitude, which had remained unconsciously focused on taking care of others at my own expense.  And now that clarity into the unconscious ways that I'd continued to place the needs of others much too far above my basic needs has emerged, my spirit can't stop smiling with delight, no matter how busily I consciously choose to tire myself,  physically, and here is why that's true:  The fact that I can see where my brain has been fooling me into taking care of others at the expense of my spirit's need to fly free of conventional reactivity allows my sense of joy to burst free of undeserved guilt thus resolving the state of inner conflict, which had tormented my brain since my sister died when I was three.  And with this insight in hand, I can actually be true to that which I feel, naturally, through and through!  And amen to an insight as personally strengthening and spiritually uplifting as that!

So guess what happened while writing this post?
I've gained insight into why less than perfect moments
Bounced off each person in my family, good-naturedly, as if
Intuition has guided my sense of self trust to work on its own until
Strings of insight led me toward consciously clarifying
This epiphany, which my subconscious has 'known', all along:
Any memory, which offered each of our minds
A negative bent, over this past year, did not
Last long enough to mar our perception of
A summer, which felt idyllic when compared to the last two (when
Will had cancer surgery, then
Mom passed away right around the time that
Will's PSA had begun to rise, creating
A scare, which made radiation necessary) and as
Those two summers plus every anxiety provoking
Grief struck month in between proved so difficult for
Our hearts, minds and spirits to bear that
The difference between this year and
The two that came before brings the concept of
Balance in all things to mind with this caveat:
Balance does not equate with expectations of
The scales of justice splitting good times and tough times, fifty-fifty
Balance suggests the adoption of an attitude that grows
Ever more mindful of our need to accept life on life's terms
And as life has felt mighty fine, over recent months
You can see why, currently
My spirit floats on air each time my appreciation of
Long range goals, coming to fruition, expands beyond
The confines of the pleasure center in my mind, which
Reminds me of a tough time when
I had reason to bolster David's spirit by saying:
Each time joy beckons to you
Embrace its glorious presence, wholeheartedly, because
Much of life offers strife born of inner conflict, which
Proving difficult to understand, demands soul searching for
Quite some time before clarity, born of 
Insight into comprehending life's most confounding complications, emerges ...
Thus freeing your whole mind to resolve a particular inner conflict, once and for all
And having offered my son reason to explore every avenue of joy that
Beckons to his existential being (without going off half cocked) I've finally
Freed my whole mind to offer the same to myself ... guilt free!
And now that intuition has focused my mind on
Penning today's post, which offered me reason to reflect back over
These past several years, I can understand why
This summer's heart episode seems to have inspired me to
Do more than take better care of my needs ...
This summer's heart episode seems to have inspired me
To appreciate moments soaked in joy, even more than ever before!
And if a picture is worth a thousand words then here's
The album of joyful moments in time that I plan to create ...
One for each of our sons and a fourth for Will and myself ... illustrating
The bigger picture of communal joy as experienced by
Our family of ten, this summer, which, for the most part
Filled our spirits with a connected sense of
Deeply pleasured togetherness while we enjoyed fun in the sun ...
Uh ... Hold the phone ... I just glanced at the clock, and
Though my main course of wine soaked brisket and roasted red potatoes are
Luxuriating in savory mushroom gravy in the fridge
Matzoh balls must be rolled with minced parsley before
Each one is gently plopped into
Boiling chicken stock where each one will
Grow so light and fluffy as to float to the surface before
We don our jerseys in time to traipse off to the football arena for
An early kick off, today, (at which time
Our team won the toss and threw the ball for so many first downs that
We landed a touch down, right off the bat! Oops, different sport)
Following the game we'll enjoy our high holiday dinner with
Extended family at the home of a dear cousin ... my offering being
A succulent apple pie, signifying a sweet New Year as
Rosh Hashanah begins at sundown, this evening, which is why
My desire to compile an album of
Summer fun, promised above, must be
Placed on a rear burner until such time as
I feel free to cook up a feast of photos at
The same leisurely pace as I chose to
Prepare our festive dinner for fifteen, which
Will be served with joyful smiles of welcome after
We return home from services at synagogue, when
The sun comes out, tomorrow ...
As for today, I'll end this post by
Sending family and friends, like you, both near and far
My love and best wishes for
A happy, healthy, peaceful New Year, both at home with
Your loved ones and throughout the world, where
Hopefully, one day, before too long
We'll have learned to reconnect with good natured smiles, and
If our beliefs continue to differ, we'll
Go on our separate paths in peace ...
And Amen to a thought as wholehearted as that!

No comments:

Post a Comment