My love for Ravi has reason to deepen as
She grows more adorable, uniquely herself, every day
And though my original thought had been to pause until
Elation had time to rebalance
I'm sorry to say that elation had reason to plummet
Why?
Because elation had reason to give way to
Confusion, fear of loss and sadness
Why?
I'm being bullied, which
Makes me feel like roaring, except for one thing:
Over my adult lifetime, I've gained insight into
The wisdom of mustering patience, humility and courage by
Calling upon my Line of Control to
Rein in my temper until facts are gathered
And once I hold the facts necessary to act with
Common sense intact, that's when
My voice of discretion will serve my need to
Free my soul from silence, born of self imposed repression
Though at first, upon being bullied
I went numb, eventually my life-long pattern of
Numbing fear and heartache clarified for me, and
Once my pattern of peacekeeping came clearly into view
I came to see that each time I choose to silence my voice
This bully feels empowered to
Make my blissful state of mind bow its head and kneel
As this bullying attitude that purposely pierces another person's heart is
Utterly foreign to me, I came to understand why
My processor can't help but feel confused each time
A person I love, who professes love for me
Focuses a sense of dark manipulation directly at my mind, because
Misery likes company
Thank goodness, I'm reading again, and to my good fortune
This month's selection, chosen by one of my book groups, is
INFIDEL, an autobiography penned by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who
Upon being bullied for defying social and religious dictate
Mustered the courage to find her voice, take a stand and
Free herself of oppression by replying:
"It is the will of the soul. The soul can not be coerced."
Though bullied, beaten into submission and shunned by
Those she'd loved but felt need to defy ...
Ayaan continued to muster the courage to
Inch her way, step by step, toward
Freeing her mind from undeserved guilt in order to
Untie knots of fear of loss, which had choked her voice until
The day dawned when she chose to honor her existential needs by
Mustering the courage to take a self respecting stand, which
Upon freeing her voice to speak up for herself, proved irreversible
Yet again, fate offers me reason to see that
That which hurts me makes me stronger but
Not until I do the work of searching within so deeply as to
Hear my soul's unmet needs beckoning my mind to
Resolve inner conflict by thinking clearly for myself, which
Is not to say that I go about my day thinking only of myself
When, at first, I left off writing to you, I'd chosen to
Immerse myself in the pureness of joy, while
Absorbing the blessed presence of Ravi in with the rest of my life
Evidently, my soulful euphoria proved unacceptable to a person, whose
Thought processes oppose my own at every turn
Over these past couple of weeks a disgruntled mind
Has been attempting to ambush my happiness by casting
A negatively focused power struggle over
My blissful state of mind, and at first
My defensive reaction called upon the state of denial as had been
My unconscious habit over most of my life
Then, my mental confusion grew so great
As to compel me to confront the swell of anger
And heartfelt pain, which my defense system had
Habitually repressed deep inside subconscious pockets of my mind
Upon identifying negativity swirling through my innermost mind
I chose to take myself to a quiet, safe place ...
A place like Walden Pond, where I go by myself to
Reflect, think deep and contemplate my fear of loss until
Insight into my true nature calms my mind at least enough to
See that the only way to stop this bully from
Purposely invading my sense of inner peace is by
Freeing my voice to take a self assertive stand
And though it's true that I drive myself to
This place of soulful contemplation, where
I walk and ponder over love and life until
A peaceful sense of clarity is mine
My spirit doth not walk alone, because the flutter of wings suggests
My friend, Socrates, whispering insightful trains of thought into my ear
And having clarified my process of clearing confusion from my head
I believe you'll find this next detail, highly ironic:
It's of interest to note that twas not just any day when
I'd vowed to create change for the better by
Not allowing this bully to rain on my love parade
It was Valentine's Day!
BTW
Fear, confusion and heartfelt distress, incurred over these past two weeks
Hath not rendered the intelligent portion of my brain fallow
Though I've not felt ready to move the story of my life forward
My mind has been writing, or more to the point, editing
Editing what?
The children's books, which I'd placed aside, several years back when
My mother's growing needs and the severity of David's injuries and
Spine surgeries stimulated my love and compassion to
Refocus 100% of my time, mental energy and
Heartfelt attentiveness away from writing toward care-giving
In retrospect, it's probable that my newfound love for Ravi
Refocused my attention toward stories created in hopes of
Inspiring parents, worldwide, to
Guide their children's lives in such compassionate ways as to
Discipline misbehavior with a consistent sense of
Loving firmness rather than resorting to punitive bullying, which
Simulates the manipulative tactics of which
I find myself on the receiving end, right now
Though it's true that I've missed
The mindful connection I share with you
Deeper truth suggests my having no clue as to when
I'll show up next on your screen ...
Tomorrow? Next week? Or some time, down the road
If you ask why I'm here, today, I'd reply:
I felt the need to express fate flying in, creating
Change, not of my making, which influenced
My need to choose how best to resolve
Inner conflict in such an intelligent manner as to
Honor my needs in a well balanced fashion
On the other hand ...
Perhaps you're choosing to do that which I do in hopes of
Maintaining our heartfelt connection across the miles in that
I find myself rereading posts, penned in the past, in hopes of
Strengthening my voice by reflecting over insights that
Highlight my desire to nurture my soul and
Live my life to the fullest no matter how many
Mean minded barbs are meant to slice through
My heart's sense of joy
Guess what my horoscope said?
You attempt to rise to levels that those with more experience have yet to achieve
I liked that horoscope ...
It's message makes me feel akin to my new friend, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, whose
Intelligent mind and compassionate heart incurred
Extended periods of pain while she nurtured the freedom of her soul ...
Until we meet again, I am your forever friend,
Annie
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