What if you don't know yourself as well as you think?
What if you don't really know others, either?
What if you can't really know others until you know yourself in depth?
What if spots of subconscious self depreciation darken some of our perceptions while white washing others?
What may result if several hot spots of low self esteem go unrecognized?
What if hot spots of low self esteem create negative attitudes, which darken our perceptions until a series of misperceptions is mistaken for facts?
What if we can't tell when our negative attitudes push loved ones away?
What if we can't differentiate between what we can or cannot change?
What if we can't tell when we push others too far?
What if we don't know why we're running in circles, getting no place fast?
What might be your fate and mine when we can't accept irrevocable changes that we'd not freely chosen for ourselves? (chronic illness, injury, pain, aging—death?)
What if existing in a state of denial keeps us caged in a tunnel, which darkens our view of reality, making clarity impossible?
What if our confidantes or counselors can't find their way to the light at the end of the tunnel any more than we can? (Been there, done that, no more three blind mice draining my purse and energy source, thank you very much.)
What if denial blinds us to why our nearest and dearest divide into separate camps?
What if all of these questions are interrelated?
If any portion of this train of thought hits a nerve then might it be time to place your ego aside so your intelligence can work earnestly at unearthing repressed hot spots of subconscious pain in need of healing?
Or will you allow the injured portion of your ego to control your intelligence, causing you to languish in denial, where misperceptions darken your loved ones mistakes while whitewashing your own?
How do you handle those times when contradicting 'shoulds' (mixed messages) tear your mind in half? (i.e. Speak up for yourself. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing, at all. Give your children roots. Bless your children's wings)
When you feel stuck in a confusing maze with no exit in sight
Some of your 'shoulds' may be in need of review.
Whereas perceptions of right or wrong change with the times—deeper truths prove timeless.
What is one to do when mixed messages mess with our minds?
When challenged with choices, I welcome visits from sages, like Socrates.
If some aspect of life casts a black cloud over your spirit, over long, hopefully, my friend, Socrates, will swoop down from on high to visit you as he does me. Often times, his spirit flies through my mind when my subconscious is wakeful and dreaming while the rest of me is sleeping ... and thus, upon waking, I work at interpreting my dreams.
2015
Yesterday, during a session of EMDR, my therapist offered me a thought to consider that made sense. After hearing me say that my sense of safety tends to come and go, she replied:
Annie, which part of your body do you concentrate on when you want to feel centered?
Without hesitation, I replied: My brain
At that Cary smiled, and I was surprised to see her head shake from side to side.
Annie, she coached, gently, the wounded part of your ego resides inside your brain. And when your ego feels injured, guilty or fearful, it usurps control over your thought processor's ability to problem-solve in a well-balanced manner.
Oh my gosh! I thought. Of course! When my ego feels wounded or fearful, my brain's not the best place to recenter my sense of safety. I mean, I know it's been proven that a wounded ego sits intelligence in a time out chair.
Seeing that 'I got it', Cary went on to say:
Each time you recognize the need to recenter your mind, breathe in deeply so as to fully re-oxygenate your thought processor; then, focus your mind on relaxing your abdominal muscles, where tension coils up. As abdominal tension relaxes, the rest of your muscles and organs will, too—including the tension that constricts your thought processor when your brain's sense of safety takes a direct hit, causing subconscious fears, which remain unnamed, to awaken and haunt your peace of mind ...
As no one can coax my subconscious fears to relax but me, it pays to have a well-educated coach, like Cary, whose astute attention to detail and compassionate heart offer me reason to deem her a deeply trusted guide.
The night before my appointment, Cary appeared in a dream. She walked into my house at the same time that a motorcycle gang was terrorizing my neighborhood. Since I could not tolerate that kind of bullying behavior taking place right before my eyes, guess who mustered the courage to open my door, run outside, and make sound use of my voice to assert my strengths while chasing those bullies away? Me, myself and I! Not one part of me felt conflicted, at all.
When a persistent problem taxes my patience, pricking my peace of mind with fear of making a move that may make matters worse, Cary's steadying influence coaches me to relax physical tension although the perplexing nature of my problem remains unresolved. And though each EMDR session costs a pretty penny, being coached to release mental tension is worth every cent spent ...
That was not my experience when Will and I spent three years time with a marriage counselor who could not get a grasp of my fears, because she had so much to learn about her own—once that awareness clarified for me, I came to see that we were done throwing good money after bad.
If you ask me to name the silver lining that
Was mine in the aftermath of that dark experience, I'd reply:
Time and again, I had to make sound use of my voice to
Assert my self respect in her office, and
Though taking a respectful though confrontational stand with
An authority figure proves difficult for me
I gained insight into my need to speak up for myself, repeatedly
And now, rather than speaking up to authority
I've been readying my voice to speak up to a person who has
Turned a deaf ear to everything I've said in the past—so of course
I feel fearful of failing to be heard, yet again!
Oh my gosh! I've just named my unnamed fear!
I fear the futility of knocking on solid walls of denial
And since I fear failing to be heard
My voice locks up inside my throat, and
What, I ask, am I to do with that?
I'll sleep on that awareness until today's insight illuminates the next
Guess what?
As soon as my subconscious fear revealed itself to my conscious mind
My brain recentered as a whole
And once I feel whole that's when creative plans come to mind ...
Picture me smiling ...
PS
I've not forgotten that you were promised
Part three of THE HEAVEN SENT TOY CATALOG PLAN
And you can be sure that I'll get back the story of
Meeting Will when the story-telling part of my brain
Feels like writing, again
As for now, I'm asking you for patience just as
I need to have patience with myself ...
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