Tuesday, February 17, 2015

1253 IF YOU THINK ME IN A DARK PLACE ... PLEASE THINK AGAIN ...

Every now and then, I take a moment to mention that
I am not writing the story of my life to entertain you
I bare personal details of my life in hopes that
The classic nature of insights gained, which
Inspire me to create change for the better
May prove so universally true as to 
Encourage you to discover change for the better
Waiting to emerge from your depths, too

If you wonder why
I showed up yesterday and then again, today
All I can say is that I felt compelled to examine
Whatever had need to pour out of my mind

Today, I awoke with the need to say:
It's not true that you're crazy when you start to answer yourself
It's when you start to answer yourself honestly that you're sane
And as the same holds true for me, I hold myself accountable for
Learning why the bullying tactics of a particular individual continues to
Wield the power to slice through that which I know to be
My hard won personal strengths
In short, I need to identify the whereabouts of my Achilles heel

Upon awakening, today
This next train of thought compelled me to reach for paper and pen:
Though I can't change another person's bullying attitude from
Becoming aroused each time a struggle for power picks up steam
I can change my reactive sense of confusion by
Consciously adopting a proactive response of my own, thus
Conveying an attitude of self contained inner strength so powerful as to
Sit symptoms of my own unidentified fear in a time out chair until
Such time as the original situation, which
Triggered this unnamed fear, emerges from subconscious memory, thus
Making itself known to my conscious adult mind, at last
And having clarified my need to pinpoint and defuse
A fearsome memory, left unprocessed during childhood
You can see why self discovery proves to be
Instrumental in securing my sense of
High self esteem, most especially at those times when
I find it necessary to stop a predatory bully from
Encroaching upon territory belonging to no one's soul but my own

Each time I remember that it's clearly my responsibility to
Seek help searching inside my subconscious until
A haunting memory, repressed during childhood
Has been exposed, reprocessed and defused
I can count on my personal strengths to
Unauthorize the power hungry ego of another person from
Usurping control over my emotional reactions

Once I understand the circumstances leading to
My capitulation, my voice will have no reason to
Shrink back behind the constriction that
Closes my throat whenever that specific unidentified fear
Paralyzes my think tank so completely that
I can't think straight to save my life

Hopefully, today's train of thought offers you reason to see why
No one can do this work of excavating a memory that proves
Fearsome to my sense of personal safety but me, and
Since my peace of mind refuses to be held hostage by
Fears, repressed raw and left unresolved during childhood
You can see why I awoke, feeling compelled to
Write of my present need to muster the patience, humility and courage to
Dive ever more deeply into self discovery, yet again

Deeper truth suggests that no matter
Our gender, age or personal strengths
New experiences continue to mystify our intelligence by
Offering unexplored challenges at each stage of life
And thus do all people, inclusive of sages and warriors
Prove universally vulnerable to capitulating personal strengths to
Bullying attitudes if we refuse to confront
Subconscious fears in need of identification, lurking deep inside ...
PS
If you think me in a dark place, please think again
I was in a dark place until I chose to dive so deep as to
Feel inspired to reread old posts, and
If you ask which insights proved most strengthening, I'd reply:
I have no clue, and here's why that's true:
Every new insight that intuition inspires me to write
Is related in some way to every insight penned in the past, so
Each time I need a shot of mental strength
All I need do is allow curiosity to lead me to click on stats, and
Upon seeing which posts my readers are currently reading
I play enie-meany-meiny-moe, allowing destiny to choose for me ...
And here's why that works fine, time after time:
No matter which post I re-read, insight into
My need to confront an unidentified fear comes crystal clear, and
In this way do I accept that throughout each stage of my life
It's my choice to dive ever more deeply into self discovery in order to
Identify each weak link that has undermined the health of my self esteem, or
I can choose to drop blame on others rather than being straight with myself
And on that note of personal strength, nuff said for today ...
Except for this;
As soon as I smooth on sunscreen to protect my thin skin from
The penetrating intensity of the sun
I'm going to enjoy a stroll through my private place where no fear
Can invade my desire to enjoy my life to the fullest as long as
I carefully consider how best to fulfill
My spirit's deepest needs, through and through
Your soulful friend,
Annie
PSS
An hour has passed since penning my earlier train of thought
And deeper truth suggests that I must confess to this fact:
Unnamed fear is still invading my peace of mind, suggesting that
Denial wrote part of today's post ... But then ...
No one said that moving through transition while
Pinpointing and unseating a fearful mindset is easy ... And so
I'll end with this thought for today:
Thank goodness for EMDR ...
Once this subconscious fear has been named and tamed
I'll be sure to share my findings with you

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