May 2014
Yesterday, I felt exceptionally vulnerable
Feeling exceptionally vulnerable is uncomfortable
Even so, I know this discomfort is a good thing
How do I know that to be true?
Layers of self protection must be shed before
I can heal from PTSD
Each time a layer of self protection is shed, vulnerability is exposed
Naked vulnerabiity, which feels uncomfortable, is essential to healing
For example, in the aftermath of one of his surgeries
David's incision became infected
In order to recover, David's wound was reopened, thus
Promoting healing from the inside out
This same principle is true when healing a wounded psyche
Upon expressing the depth of my vulnerability to my therapist
She replied:
Baring the depth of your vulnerability is a sign of growth, Annie
If the injured portion of your brain is to
Overcome yesteryear's unprocessed fear then
The terrified nature of a small child's vulnerability must be exposed
Bearing up under the pressure of exposed vulnerability
Requires a deeper sense of courage than keeping
Emotional 'baggage' under lock and key behind
The pretense of denial, which suggests that
All is well when, in truth, your pain is as raw, today as
Was true when your sister died, and
As denial is difficult to dislodge, that's why
It takes so much courage to open
This particular door in your wall and feel the rawness of
Painful vulnerability that's running through you, right now
Reliving the depth of a child's vulnerability, which
Had felt so overwhelming as to have been
Subconsciously repressed from
The conscious portion of your mind until recently
Is so difficult that most people refuse to dive deep enough to heal
The reason that you are capable of reliving this pain
Is due to the fact that you've worked so tenaciously at peeling
Away at your defensive wall, layer by layer, and thus have you
Developed the readiness to re-experience emotions, which had been
Too overwhelming for a child to bear
Though feeling this depth of vulnerability proves
Exceptionally uncomfortable, the fact that you are
Self motivated by inner strength signifies your ability to
Identify specific fears, which had remained
Unprocessed over most of your life
This current bout of anxiety suggests adult strengths working to
release three subconscious fears, which
Have haunted your sense of well being for too many years
Those who have not yet learned to tolerate
High levels of anxiety turn away from therapy, however
Here is why that's not true of you:
First of all, you believe in your ability to overcome adversity
Secondly, you know yourself to be a woman on a mission and
Thirdly, you give yourself the same positively focused pep talks
That you offer to family and friends, and since your pep talks are
Permeated with insight into deeper truth, you inspire yourself
Not to give up, repeatedly …
Well, if I've developed so many strengths then why do I feel like crying? Yesterday, I walked into my book group and felt so vulnerable that I teared up, again … I'm confused.
Annie, which part of you feels like crying?
I'm not sure. Maybe, it's the three year old, who was
Too terrorstruck for tears to flow, all those many years ago or
Maybe it's the adult I've grown to be, whose
Compassion for a little girl, who is still too hard on herself
Runs so deep that emotion, which
Proves too overwhelming for words
Needs to be released physically
Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably a combination of both
I think so, too
Annie, when you feel like crying, what do you do?
Well, in the past I'd stopped myself—as in—
Let a smile be your umbrella
Now, I just sit quietly and
Let the tears flow freely until they stop on their own
That suggests authenticity, Annie, and favoring authenticity over
Denial is what you've been aiming toward
Authenticity suggests embracing both sides of yourself as a whole
Do you know what you're crying about?
Maybe it's about my sister's death
Maybe it's about my mom falling into such a deep depression as to
Have 'forgotten' how much I'd needed her, too
Maybe it's about the scary experience that still remains unclear
Maybe it's about Will's cancer
Maybe it's about life's vulnerabilities in general
Maybe it's about these last ten years before Mom died
Maybe it's about her death
Maybe it's about death, in general
Maybe it's about separation and unecessary loss
Maybe it's because I didn't cry enough during all those years of denial
Maybe it's a combination of all of the above
I think that's on target
Whenever I feel really vulnerable, I wonder if clarity into
That fuzzy, scary memory is trying to filter into my conscious mind
I think that's on target, too
It's so scary—too scary for me to believe it actually happened to me …
And rightfully so
It's as though the closer I get the more I want to
Run away from the truth
And yet, you don't. You keep coming back. Why is that?
I believe in intuition
And intuition suggests I need to ready myself to overcome this fear, because as long as it weighs so heavy on my spirit, this sense of unprocessed, undeserved guilt will continue to influence many of my decisions in ways that remain unclear, today. I know that fear made me push Joseph away in junior high. I know that fear followed me into high school, where I pushed every boy, who'd wanted to get close to me, away. Every time I think about that fuzzy memory, I feel scared and sad enough to cry …
At this, my therapist nods while writing notes
Every time one of my book groups reads a novel about sexual abuse
I bow out
Why do you think that's true?
Subconscious fear, filtering into my conscious mind, suggests my lack of readiness to go anywhere near the truth—
Then I pause before continuing with—
I want to move my story forward, but
I can't write or or edit anything that feels remotely scary, right now
And what do you make of that?
I'm not sure. I hesitate, again
Maybe it's because Will has begun a series of tests, which, upon
Completion will lead into his radiation treatments
Five days a week over two months
Maybe processing that reality is scary enough to
Demand the lion's share of my courage, for now
That makes very good sense
I'm afraid my followers will lose interest if my story continues to stall
So what can you do about that?
Just remind myself that I can't control their reactions, so
I'll just let whatever happens, happen
The last thing I'll do, right now, is pressure myself.
Why is that?
Intuition, again. I've been 'going' with whatever feels natural rather than what I believe others expect of me
Annie, you are more authentic, today, than ever before
I think you're truly learning what it means to honor your deepest needs
Yes. Finally. And that's a very good thing.
I release a huge sigh and say: It's actually a huge relief
I agree
Annie, what do you feel when you begin to cry? Are you afraid?
Actually, I don't feel scared while I'm crying
I feel scared before the tears start to flow
While they're flowing freely, I just feel immeasurably sad
So what does that tell you?
That when I'm scared, I'm the wounded, little girl
When I'm sad, I'm the adult, feeling compassion for
The woundedness that weighs heavy behind denial's smile
I guess you could say, I don't do denial very well, anymore
Which do you feel most often—scared or sad or strong?
In the past, I would have said strong, not realizing where I was not.
This year, I'd say scared, yet determined to figure out why
Recently, I feel scared for a short while, then sad—then mad.
Good! We've been working to
Free your mind of repressed anger for quite some time!
So what do these changes tell you?
That in the past many of my strengths had been half baked—
Meaning based more in pretense than not
That since I've engaged in EMDR
I been consciously focused upon
Readying my adult mind to actively reprocess
Frightening experiences, which had confounded a little girl to
The point of spinning her head into denial
And the reason these memories are in need of reprocessing is
So that I can shift three negatively focused, subconscious mindsets that
Had blamed a good little girl of wrong doing, and in this way
I'll feel angry at those adults who had won my trust and then
Bullied me into following their lead
And I'll feel angry at the bulllies on the school bus, who'd
Ripped into my self esteem, four times a week
When I feel deeply vulnerable, today, I'm tapping into
A mixture of anxiety, sadness, and anger, which denial had
Denied my conscious mind access to when I'd scratched
My skin as raw as the pain repressed behind my smile …
If I wasn't smiling and invoking the smiles of others
I'd felt—unworthy of love … until recently
In short, I knew I was loved but didn't feel I deserved it
After pausing to process the profound nature of
This train of thought, I go on—
Intuition suggests that I'll need to tolerate
These mixed emotions (which
Have haunted me, subconsciously, throughout
Every developmental stage of my life, beginning
When I was three, then cutting ever more deeply into me at
Eleven, twelve and through my dating years until
My sixth sense opened the door in my wall and sent me on
A mission to resolve this lifelong sense of inner conflict, concerning
'Good girl/bad girl', once and for all!
Annie, how do you feel, right now?
I sure don't feel confused
I feel much more self assured than when I sat down, an hour ago …
Actually, I feel proud of myself
What are you proud of?
I look down at the buzzers, one in each hand, before
Closing my eyes and rattling off
A list that went something like this:
My courage and self motivation to direct my own path
My humility, without which I'd not be able to bare my vulnerability
My fortitude to tolerate rising anxiety
My ability to muster humility and say sorry when I make mistakes
My growing authenticity in terms of self trust
My self discipline when others fling their pain at me
My ability to problem solve under fire
My dignity, which refuses to accept undeserved guilt
My sense of humor
My decision to voice what I feel despite the risk of what may come back
My consistency of thought, tempered with a growing sense of
flexibility that frees all of me from remaining stuck, overlong, in
a mindset of mental rigidity that weighs my spirit down
My ability to balance emotion with logic and logic with emotion thus
embracing the harmony of my growing sense of wholeness
My ability to work mindfully at readying my strengths to slough off
layers of self protective defensiveness in hopes of
honoring my sense of human vulnerability to which I'd been blind
I welcome each opportunity to deepen my powers of perception
concerning the person I prove to be at my core, knowing that
this person has mustered the courage to think creatively in hopes of
meeting my needs in such self disciplined ways as to also
consider the needs of those I love
I work hard to recognize, employ and embrace the concept of
balance in all things throughout every aspect of my life without
causing pain to others
Know how easily people feel alarmed, I make good use of creativity to
simplify life's many complications—Wow … I've really grown a lot!
My therapist's smile answers the authenticity of my own
Is this a good place for us to end today's session?
Yes. I know my mind. It'll percolate over the next two weeks and
Continue to absorb every attitude I worked to reprocess, today
Annie, which emotion do you feel most, right now—
Sadness, fear, anger, or strength?
Strength of spirit—which is mine everytime clarity vaporizes confusion
Hopefully, I'll wake up, tomorrow, feeling as spirited as I do, right now …
(If you ask why wait two weeks to engage in EMDR, again
My reply would be twofold:
My think tank needs time to make mindful adjustments
And each session is costly)
Yesterday, I felt exceptionally vulnerable
Feeling exceptionally vulnerable is uncomfortable
Even so, I know this discomfort is a good thing
How do I know that to be true?
Layers of self protection must be shed before
I can heal from PTSD
Each time a layer of self protection is shed, vulnerability is exposed
Naked vulnerabiity, which feels uncomfortable, is essential to healing
For example, in the aftermath of one of his surgeries
David's incision became infected
In order to recover, David's wound was reopened, thus
Promoting healing from the inside out
This same principle is true when healing a wounded psyche
Upon expressing the depth of my vulnerability to my therapist
She replied:
Baring the depth of your vulnerability is a sign of growth, Annie
If the injured portion of your brain is to
Overcome yesteryear's unprocessed fear then
The terrified nature of a small child's vulnerability must be exposed
Bearing up under the pressure of exposed vulnerability
Requires a deeper sense of courage than keeping
Emotional 'baggage' under lock and key behind
The pretense of denial, which suggests that
All is well when, in truth, your pain is as raw, today as
Was true when your sister died, and
As denial is difficult to dislodge, that's why
It takes so much courage to open
This particular door in your wall and feel the rawness of
Painful vulnerability that's running through you, right now
Reliving the depth of a child's vulnerability, which
Had felt so overwhelming as to have been
Subconsciously repressed from
The conscious portion of your mind until recently
Is so difficult that most people refuse to dive deep enough to heal
The reason that you are capable of reliving this pain
Is due to the fact that you've worked so tenaciously at peeling
Away at your defensive wall, layer by layer, and thus have you
Developed the readiness to re-experience emotions, which had been
Too overwhelming for a child to bear
Though feeling this depth of vulnerability proves
Exceptionally uncomfortable, the fact that you are
Self motivated by inner strength signifies your ability to
Identify specific fears, which had remained
Unprocessed over most of your life
This current bout of anxiety suggests adult strengths working to
release three subconscious fears, which
Have haunted your sense of well being for too many years
Those who have not yet learned to tolerate
High levels of anxiety turn away from therapy, however
Here is why that's not true of you:
First of all, you believe in your ability to overcome adversity
Secondly, you know yourself to be a woman on a mission and
Thirdly, you give yourself the same positively focused pep talks
That you offer to family and friends, and since your pep talks are
Permeated with insight into deeper truth, you inspire yourself
Not to give up, repeatedly …
Well, if I've developed so many strengths then why do I feel like crying? Yesterday, I walked into my book group and felt so vulnerable that I teared up, again … I'm confused.
Annie, which part of you feels like crying?
I'm not sure. Maybe, it's the three year old, who was
Too terrorstruck for tears to flow, all those many years ago or
Maybe it's the adult I've grown to be, whose
Compassion for a little girl, who is still too hard on herself
Runs so deep that emotion, which
Proves too overwhelming for words
Needs to be released physically
Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably a combination of both
I think so, too
Annie, when you feel like crying, what do you do?
Well, in the past I'd stopped myself—as in—
Let a smile be your umbrella
Now, I just sit quietly and
Let the tears flow freely until they stop on their own
That suggests authenticity, Annie, and favoring authenticity over
Denial is what you've been aiming toward
Authenticity suggests embracing both sides of yourself as a whole
Do you know what you're crying about?
Maybe it's about my sister's death
Maybe it's about my mom falling into such a deep depression as to
Have 'forgotten' how much I'd needed her, too
Maybe it's about the scary experience that still remains unclear
Maybe it's about Will's cancer
Maybe it's about life's vulnerabilities in general
Maybe it's about these last ten years before Mom died
Maybe it's about her death
Maybe it's about death, in general
Maybe it's about separation and unecessary loss
Maybe it's because I didn't cry enough during all those years of denial
Maybe it's a combination of all of the above
I think that's on target
Whenever I feel really vulnerable, I wonder if clarity into
That fuzzy, scary memory is trying to filter into my conscious mind
I think that's on target, too
It's so scary—too scary for me to believe it actually happened to me …
And rightfully so
It's as though the closer I get the more I want to
Run away from the truth
And yet, you don't. You keep coming back. Why is that?
I believe in intuition
And intuition suggests I need to ready myself to overcome this fear, because as long as it weighs so heavy on my spirit, this sense of unprocessed, undeserved guilt will continue to influence many of my decisions in ways that remain unclear, today. I know that fear made me push Joseph away in junior high. I know that fear followed me into high school, where I pushed every boy, who'd wanted to get close to me, away. Every time I think about that fuzzy memory, I feel scared and sad enough to cry …
At this, my therapist nods while writing notes
Every time one of my book groups reads a novel about sexual abuse
I bow out
Why do you think that's true?
Subconscious fear, filtering into my conscious mind, suggests my lack of readiness to go anywhere near the truth—
Then I pause before continuing with—
I want to move my story forward, but
I can't write or or edit anything that feels remotely scary, right now
And what do you make of that?
Maybe it's because Will has begun a series of tests, which, upon
Completion will lead into his radiation treatments
Five days a week over two months
Maybe processing that reality is scary enough to
Demand the lion's share of my courage, for now
That makes very good sense
I'm afraid my followers will lose interest if my story continues to stall
So what can you do about that?
Just remind myself that I can't control their reactions, so
I'll just let whatever happens, happen
The last thing I'll do, right now, is pressure myself.
Why is that?
Intuition, again. I've been 'going' with whatever feels natural rather than what I believe others expect of me
Annie, you are more authentic, today, than ever before
I think you're truly learning what it means to honor your deepest needs
Yes. Finally. And that's a very good thing.
I release a huge sigh and say: It's actually a huge relief
I agree
Annie, what do you feel when you begin to cry? Are you afraid?
Actually, I don't feel scared while I'm crying
I feel scared before the tears start to flow
While they're flowing freely, I just feel immeasurably sad
So what does that tell you?
That when I'm scared, I'm the wounded, little girl
When I'm sad, I'm the adult, feeling compassion for
The woundedness that weighs heavy behind denial's smile
I guess you could say, I don't do denial very well, anymore
Which do you feel most often—scared or sad or strong?
In the past, I would have said strong, not realizing where I was not.
This year, I'd say scared, yet determined to figure out why
Recently, I feel scared for a short while, then sad—then mad.
Good! We've been working to
Free your mind of repressed anger for quite some time!
So what do these changes tell you?
That in the past many of my strengths had been half baked—
Meaning based more in pretense than not
That since I've engaged in EMDR
I been consciously focused upon
Readying my adult mind to actively reprocess
Frightening experiences, which had confounded a little girl to
The point of spinning her head into denial
And the reason these memories are in need of reprocessing is
So that I can shift three negatively focused, subconscious mindsets that
Had blamed a good little girl of wrong doing, and in this way
I'll feel angry at those adults who had won my trust and then
Bullied me into following their lead
And I'll feel angry at the bulllies on the school bus, who'd
Ripped into my self esteem, four times a week
When I feel deeply vulnerable, today, I'm tapping into
A mixture of anxiety, sadness, and anger, which denial had
Denied my conscious mind access to when I'd scratched
My skin as raw as the pain repressed behind my smile …
If I wasn't smiling and invoking the smiles of others
I'd felt—unworthy of love … until recently
In short, I knew I was loved but didn't feel I deserved it
After pausing to process the profound nature of
This train of thought, I go on—
Intuition suggests that I'll need to tolerate
These mixed emotions (which
Have haunted me, subconsciously, throughout
Every developmental stage of my life, beginning
When I was three, then cutting ever more deeply into me at
Eleven, twelve and through my dating years until
My sixth sense opened the door in my wall and sent me on
A mission to resolve this lifelong sense of inner conflict, concerning
'Good girl/bad girl', once and for all!
Annie, how do you feel, right now?
I sure don't feel confused
I feel much more self assured than when I sat down, an hour ago …
Actually, I feel proud of myself
What are you proud of?
I look down at the buzzers, one in each hand, before
Closing my eyes and rattling off
A list that went something like this:
My courage and self motivation to direct my own path
My humility, without which I'd not be able to bare my vulnerability
My fortitude to tolerate rising anxiety
My ability to muster humility and say sorry when I make mistakes
My sixth sense (intuition)
My belief in myselfMy growing authenticity in terms of self trust
My self discipline when others fling their pain at me
My ability to problem solve under fire
My dignity, which refuses to accept undeserved guilt
My sense of humor
My decision to voice what I feel despite the risk of what may come back
My consistency of thought, tempered with a growing sense of
flexibility that frees all of me from remaining stuck, overlong, in
a mindset of mental rigidity that weighs my spirit down
My ability to balance emotion with logic and logic with emotion thus
embracing the harmony of my growing sense of wholeness
My ability to work mindfully at readying my strengths to slough off
layers of self protective defensiveness in hopes of
honoring my sense of human vulnerability to which I'd been blind
I welcome each opportunity to deepen my powers of perception
concerning the person I prove to be at my core, knowing that
this person has mustered the courage to think creatively in hopes of
meeting my needs in such self disciplined ways as to also
consider the needs of those I love
I work hard to recognize, employ and embrace the concept of
balance in all things throughout every aspect of my life without
causing pain to others
Know how easily people feel alarmed, I make good use of creativity to
simplify life's many complications—Wow … I've really grown a lot!
My therapist's smile answers the authenticity of my own
Is this a good place for us to end today's session?
Yes. I know my mind. It'll percolate over the next two weeks and
Continue to absorb every attitude I worked to reprocess, today
Annie, which emotion do you feel most, right now—
Sadness, fear, anger, or strength?
Strength of spirit—which is mine everytime clarity vaporizes confusion
Hopefully, I'll wake up, tomorrow, feeling as spirited as I do, right now …
(If you ask why wait two weeks to engage in EMDR, again
My reply would be twofold:
My think tank needs time to make mindful adjustments
And each session is costly)
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