1024 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 18

(14B)

As the danger of reaching into the buggy and uncovering the truth is just seconds beyond my grandma's conscious awareness, let's take one last look at the sky, so we can follow the well groomed tip of Lady Luck’s pointer until we spy something tiny, shiny, silver and round suspended several inches above her fully extended finger's pink painted nail.

Can you name what this shiny thing is?  No?  Okay—since the last grains of sand in the hour glass are slipping away, suggesting we have no time to waste, here are two hints in one: This tiny, shiny, silver, round shape is not a falling star— and it is spiraling—up.

Sorry.  The clock is ticking, and we need to make haste, so it's time to stop guessing and just listen up:

 It’s the dime. The dime that FATE tosses high in the air.  And while we—who watch the shiny glint of this coin spiraling up before it spirals down—see it landing and spinning, round and round, on the gray slatted, wooden floor of our back porch—we hold our breath until the dime lays flat, telling us that Luck—Fate—call it what you will—has determined that:

‘Heads’—

Dark clouds will disperse, frowns will smile and all will be well

‘ Tails’—

Thunder rumbles and lightening cracks as many families, living in that massive, three-story, brown brick apartment building, gather in their kitchens, pull out their chairs, sit down round their dinner tables, and talk, laugh, squabble, pass food, eat, and drink as usual—while—one family cries out in despair … Why me???

When destiny, rather than responsibility and goodness
Proves to be the deciding factor
No childhood inoculation provides immunity from Fate
So time and again, deeper truth suggests that
Like it or not
Life is a gamble at best

As narrator, I face this choice:  I can sketch in this next scene very briefly, and you'll perceive of Janet’s death as having been exceptionally sad, but your mind will not shift into the eerie realm of déjà vu, reviving my experience of panic, shock, horror and devastation, along with all that is about to thunder down upon each person in my family as tragedy catalyzes unforeseen changes in our relationships with each other—and ourselves.

Since the confounding nature of my baby sister’s death is about to jumpstart a series of life changing, emotional reactions that will confound us all, it’s my responsibility as narrator to flesh in the lasting nature of the pain that Janet’s untimely demise tattooed into the minds of her family as a whole.  And though I have sound reason to believe that three forthcoming details may explain why my three year old, traumatized brain developed specific character traits that do not line up with those most often attributed to a first born child, I admit to feeling conflicted about reviving these most painful aspects of déjà vu, which had scared me out of my wits and into Denialand at this highly impressionable and thus vulnerable stage of my life.  I mean, who wants to bare an attitude of unprocessed angst, suggesting that Lady Luck had the cold-hearted nerve to desert a sweet, three year old child to the fickle finger of Fate?

Then again, lucky for me, this sweet little girl grew up to be an intelligent adult whose fascination with human nature enticed her to question the domino effects of subconscious fear, filtering into a child's core.  In addition to that, curiosity inspired me to quest toward insight into self discovery, which led me to understand the folly of flinging blame at those I love each time repressed pain, which feels as raw as if it's brand new, emerges in its unhealed state, thus intensifying whatever emotional reaction is presently taking place.

  Furthermore, if we consider the fact that I've experienced life with few regrets,perhaps we can surmise that Lady Luck did not abandoned this particular duckling any more than any other duckling, because, after all is said and done, deeper truth suggests that every child, who has walked the earth, has experienced confusion and pain to some extent since the beginning of time.  And, unfortunately, pain suffered by countless others proves far graver than mine. (In case you'd like a few examples of Lady Luck smiling at me, I'll be sure to round some up by tomorrow …