Saturday, May 31, 2014

1035 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 29 Consistency, Flexibility

Morality and rules of conduct are not interchangeable
The Ten Commandments are written in stone for good reason
Rules of conduct, limiting personal growth, require reconsideration:

Woman meeting man had once been chaperoned
While that rule of conduct processed through change for the better
Conflict ensued until insight into self discipline grew widespread

As conflict resolution depends upon mindsets expanding freely
The manifestation of insight into change for the better takes time
Once insight into conflict resolution clarifies, new possibilities appear

If you ask:
Annie, why do you grapple with inner conflict until insight is yours?
I'd reply:  Inner conflict defines a duel between emotion and logic

We mistakenly believe that one can win over the other, every time
However, if logic was actually the victor, every time, then
Inner peace would be easily achieved

In truth, an emotion as powerful as love cannot be logically dismissed
An emotion as powerful as love is expressed, suppressed or repressed
Emotion suppressed or repressed disrupts peace of mind for this reason:

Emotion suppressed/repressed is the catalyst stirring inner conflict
Inner conflict suggests that confusion remains unresolved until
The voice of reason heeds heartfelt emotion 'voicing' its need to be freed

Once emotion is free to be absorbed naturally into our whole
That's when we grow true to ourselves straight into our core
And here's an insight into a truth as soulfully sound as that:

The soul is not a filter that separates emotion from logic
The soul is comprised of the human condition as a whole, and thus—
Resultant of balancing emotion with logic, inner conflict resolves

With conflict resolution, a balanced sense of inner peace returns
And as balance reduces anxiety
A soulful spirit has sound reason to rejoice

Once peace of mind is restored
Hearts smile and spirits thrive 
Each time insight achieves my need to rebalance, that trilogy is mine

Since I learned to share in kindergarten
That trilogy, which balance offers up to me, can be yours
All you need do is to freely open the door in your wall :)

Friday, May 30, 2014

1034 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 28 Imagine …

Imagine how I felt upon awakening, this morning ...

Imagine me feeling strong.  Spirited.


Imagine me feeling connected to loved ones and yet wholly myself


Imagine me feeling proud of the adult I work consciously to grow to be


Imagine all of those positive thoughts permeating my mind


Imagine this:  What I feel, I think, and what I think redirects my decisions 


Imagine me looking back, feeling myself to be a really good person


Imagine me growing to know who I am, at long last 


Imagine me thanking Socrates for opening my eyes and ears and mind


Imagine me asking simple questions, which, in truth, are profound


Imagine the profound nature of questions, which simplify complexity


Imagine questions that open the door to answers locked within for years 


Imagine yourself facing sound reason to identify subconscious mindsets


Imagine fully baked strengths recognizing subconscious fears


Imagine sound reasoning wrestling childhood's fears to the mat


Imagine targeting unnamed anxiety


Imgaine naming an unnamed anxiety, which then relaxes, naturally

Imagine reflecting positively over past successes and future possibilities

Imagine wondering which doors personal growth will open, tomorrow


Imagine the door in your defensive wall opening, naturally, repeatedly

Imagine consciously directing your destiny to become your chosen history


Imagine change for the better processing freely through your mind


 Imagine all's well that ends well—somewhere down the road


Imagine John Lennon imagining, writing, painting, strumming, singing


Imagine your spirit rejoicing as your mind freely holds hands with mine


Imagine us strolling peacefully through the park on a sunny day


Imagine two lucky souls balancing life's realities with moments of joy


Imagine the potent combination of love and courage resulting in personal growth, which proves far more contagious, expansive and inclusive than fear acting as a decisive (divisive) force on its own—unless, of course, one mind feels connected and the other does not, because if that proves true then reality suggests there's no place to grow except farther apart …

Imagine safe haven existing where self disciplined soulmates may clearly embrace moments of peaceful repose but they don't … where, I ask, is the logic in that?

Thursday, May 29, 2014

1033 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 27 Vulnerability Simplifies Complexity

May 2014
Yesterday, I felt exceptionally vulnerable 
Feeling exceptionally vulnerable is uncomfortable
Even so, I know this discomfort is a good thing
How do I know that to be true?
Layers of self protection must be shed before
I can heal from PTSD
Each time a layer of self protection is shed, vulnerability is exposed
Naked vulnerabiity, which feels uncomfortable, is essential to healing

For example, in the aftermath of one of his surgeries
David's incision became infected
In order to recover, David's wound was reopened, thus
Promoting healing from the inside out
This same principle is true when healing a wounded psyche

Upon expressing the depth of my vulnerability to my therapist
She replied:
Baring the depth of your vulnerability is a sign of growth, Annie
If the injured portion of your brain is to
Overcome yesteryear's unprocessed fear then
The terrified nature of a small child's vulnerability must be exposed

Bearing up under the pressure of exposed vulnerability
Requires a deeper sense of courage than keeping
Emotional 'baggage' under lock and key behind
The pretense of denial, which suggests that
All is well when, in truth, your pain is as raw, today as
Was true when your sister died, and
As denial is difficult to dislodge, that's why
It takes so much courage to open
This particular door in your wall and feel the rawness of
Painful vulnerability that's running through you, right now

Reliving the depth of a child's vulnerability, which
Had felt so overwhelming as to have been
Subconsciously repressed from
The conscious portion of your mind until recently
Is so difficult that most people refuse to dive deep enough to heal

The reason that you are capable of reliving this pain
Is due to the fact that you've worked so tenaciously at peeling
Away at your defensive wall, layer by layer, and thus have you
Developed the readiness to re-experience emotions, which had been
Too overwhelming for a child to bear

Though feeling this depth of vulnerability proves
Exceptionally uncomfortable, the fact that you are
Self motivated by inner strength signifies your ability to
Identify specific fears, which had remained
Unprocessed over most of your life

This current bout of anxiety suggests adult strengths working to
release three subconscious fears, which
Have haunted your sense of well being for too many years

Those who have not yet learned to tolerate
High levels of anxiety turn away from therapy, however
Here is why that's not true of you:
First of all, you believe in your ability to overcome adversity
Secondly, you know yourself to be a woman on a mission and
Thirdly, you give yourself the same positively focused pep talks
That you offer to family and friends, and since your pep talks are
Permeated with insight into deeper truth, you inspire yourself
Not to give up, repeatedly …

Well, if I've developed so many strengths then why do I feel like crying?  Yesterday, I walked into my book group and felt so vulnerable that I teared up, again …  I'm confused.

Annie, which part of you feels like crying?

I'm not sure.  Maybe, it's the three year old, who was
Too terrorstruck for tears to flow, all those many years ago or
Maybe it's the adult I've grown to be, whose
Compassion for a little girl, who is still too hard on herself
Runs so deep that emotion, which
Proves too overwhelming for words
Needs to be released physically
Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably a combination of both

I think so, too
Annie, when you feel like crying, what do you do?

Well, in the past I'd stopped myself—as in—
Let a smile be your umbrella
Now, I just sit quietly and
Let the tears flow freely until they stop on their own

That suggests authenticity, Annie, and favoring authenticity over
Denial is what you've been aiming toward
Authenticity suggests embracing both sides of yourself as a whole
Do you know what you're crying about?

Maybe it's about my sister's death
Maybe it's about my mom falling into such a deep depression as to
Have 'forgotten' how much I'd needed her, too
Maybe it's about the scary experience that still remains unclear
Maybe it's about Will's cancer
Maybe it's about life's vulnerabilities in general
Maybe it's about these last ten years before Mom died
Maybe it's about her death
Maybe it's about death, in general
Maybe it's about separation and unecessary loss
Maybe it's because I didn't cry enough during all those years of denial
Maybe it's a combination of all of the above

I think that's on target

Whenever I feel really vulnerable, I wonder if clarity into
That fuzzy, scary memory is trying to filter into my conscious mind

I think that's on target, too

It's so scary—too scary for me to believe it actually happened to me …

And rightfully so

It's as though the closer I get the more I want to
Run away from the truth

And yet, you don't.  You keep coming back.  Why is that?

I believe in intuition
And intuition suggests I need to ready myself to overcome this fear, because as long as it weighs so heavy on my spirit, this sense of unprocessed, undeserved guilt will continue to influence many of my decisions in ways that remain unclear, today.  I know that fear made me push Joseph away in junior high.  I know that fear followed me into high school, where I pushed every boy, who'd wanted to get close to me, away.  Every time I think about that fuzzy memory, I feel scared and sad enough to cry …

At this, my therapist nods while writing notes

Every time one of my book groups reads a novel about sexual abuse
I bow out

Why do you think that's true?

Subconscious fear, filtering into my conscious mind, suggests my lack of readiness to go anywhere near the truth—

Then I pause before continuing with—
I want to move my story forward, but
I can't write or or edit anything that feels remotely scary, right now

And what do you make of that?

I'm not sure.  I hesitate, again
Maybe it's because Will has begun a series of tests, which, upon
Completion will lead into his radiation treatments
Five days a week over two months
Maybe processing that reality is scary enough to
Demand the lion's share of my courage, for now

That makes very good sense

I'm afraid my followers will lose interest if my story continues to stall

So what can you do about that?

Just remind myself that I can't control their reactions, so
I'll just let whatever happens, happen
The last thing I'll do, right now, is pressure myself.

Why is that?

Intuition, again.  I've been 'going' with whatever feels natural rather than what I believe others expect of me

Annie, you are more authentic, today, than ever before
I think you're truly learning what it means to honor your deepest needs

Yes.  Finally.  And that's a very good thing.
I release a huge sigh and say:  It's actually a huge relief

I agree

Annie, what do you feel when you begin to cry?  Are you afraid?

Actually, I don't feel scared while I'm crying
I feel scared before the tears start to flow
While they're flowing freely, I just feel immeasurably sad

So what does that tell you?

That when I'm scared, I'm the wounded, little girl
When I'm sad, I'm the adult, feeling compassion for
The woundedness that weighs heavy behind denial's smile
I guess you could say, I don't do denial very well, anymore

Which do you feel most often—scared or sad or strong?

In the past, I would have said strong, not realizing where I was not.
This year, I'd say scared, yet determined to figure out why
Recently, I feel scared for a short while, then sad—then mad.

Good!  We've been working to
Free your mind of repressed anger for quite some time!
So what do these changes tell you?

That in the past many of my strengths had been half baked—
Meaning based more in pretense than not
That since I've engaged in EMDR
I been consciously focused upon
Readying my adult mind to actively reprocess
Frightening experiences, which had confounded a little girl to
The point of spinning her head into denial
And the reason these memories are in need of reprocessing is
So that I can shift three negatively focused, subconscious mindsets that
Had blamed a good little girl of wrong doing, and in this way
I'll feel angry at those adults who had won my trust and then
Bullied me into following their lead
And I'll feel angry at the bulllies on the school bus, who'd
Ripped into my self esteem, four times a week
When I feel deeply vulnerable, today, I'm tapping into
A mixture of anxiety, sadness, and anger, which denial had
Denied my conscious mind access to when I'd scratched
My skin as raw as the pain repressed behind my smile …
If I wasn't smiling and invoking the smiles of others
I'd felt—unworthy of love … until recently
In short, I knew I was loved but didn't feel I deserved it
After pausing to process the profound nature of
This train of thought, I go on—
Intuition suggests that I'll need to tolerate
These mixed emotions (which
Have haunted me, subconsciously, throughout
Every developmental stage of my life, beginning
When I was three, then cutting ever more deeply into me at
Eleven, twelve and through my dating years until
My sixth sense opened the door in my wall and sent me on
A mission to resolve this lifelong sense of inner conflict, concerning
'Good girl/bad girl', once and for all!

Annie, how do you feel, right now?

I sure don't feel confused
I feel much more self assured than when I sat down, an hour ago 
Actually, I feel proud of myself

What are you proud of?

I look down at the buzzers, one in each hand, before
Closing my eyes and rattling off
A list that went something like this:

My courage and self motivation to direct my own path
My humility, without which I'd not be able to bare my vulnerability
My fortitude to tolerate rising anxiety
My ability to muster humility and say sorry when I make mistakes
My sixth sense (intuition)
My belief in myself
My growing authenticity in terms of self trust
My self discipline when others fling their pain at me
My ability to problem solve under fire
My dignity, which refuses to accept undeserved guilt
My sense of humor
My decision to voice what I feel despite the risk of what may come back
My consistency of thought, tempered with a growing sense of
     flexibility that frees all of me from remaining stuck, overlong, in
     a mindset of mental rigidity that weighs my spirit down
My ability to balance emotion with logic and logic with emotion thus
     embracing the harmony of my growing sense of wholeness
My ability to work mindfully at readying my strengths to slough off
     layers of self protective defensiveness in hopes of
     honoring my sense of human vulnerability to which I'd been blind
I welcome each opportunity to deepen my powers of perception
     concerning the person I prove to be at my core, knowing that
     this person has mustered the courage to think creatively in hopes of
     meeting my needs in such self disciplined ways as to also
     consider the needs of those I love
I work hard to recognize, employ and embrace the concept of
     balance in all things throughout every aspect of my life without
     causing pain to others
Know how easily people feel alarmed, I make good use of creativity to
     simplify life's many complications—Wow … I've really grown a lot!

My therapist's smile answers the authenticity of my own
Is this a good place for us to end today's session?

Yes.  I know my mind.  It'll percolate over the next two weeks and
Continue to absorb every attitude I worked to reprocess, today

Annie, which emotion do you feel most, right now—
Sadness, fear, anger, or strength?

Strength of spirit—which is mine everytime clarity vaporizes confusion
Hopefully, I'll wake up, tomorrow, feeling as spirited as I do, right now …

(If you ask why wait two weeks to engage in EMDR, again
My reply would be twofold:
My think tank needs time to make mindful adjustments
And each session is costly)

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

1032 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 26 Door in the Wall

I once read a book titled, The Door in the Wall
I read it as a child
I don't remember the story
I only remember the title
I have a self protective defensive wall as do you

All people have defensive walls
All defensive walls have doors
All doors have locks
All locks open and close
All locks, which open and close, jam from time to time

Locks jam for many reasons
Locks may remain jammed when a key fear goes unnamed
Locks, which remain jammed, may indicate closed mind sets
Locks may tighten when the mind feels pressured to open
Locks unjam when readiness comes from within

I work to remember the importance of readiness, all around
I work to remember different perspectives
I work to remember that patience is a virtue for sound reason
I work to remember that the only lock I can unjam is my own
I work to remember to open the door in my wall to welcome insight

Common sense suggests that though my door is open, my mind tires
Common sense suggests that a tired mind grows quietly contemplative
Common sense suggests a contemplative mind identifies personal growth
Common sense suggests a sense of change taking place within me ...
Common sense suggests not knocking on a closed door, overlong ...

I know myself to be an open door
I know myself to be an open ear
I know myself to be a self respecting woman
I know myself to be eager to embrace change for the better
I know myself to be addicted to hope, mutual respect and personal growth

Today, I am an open door but not a human doer
Today, I am more than a positively focused human being
Today, I am true to myself, through and through, though once I was not
Today—as with every day—I consciously choose to be your friend
Today—as with every day—I hope you'll freely choose to be mine :)

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

1031 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 25

Sorry, resistance suggests that my mind is not quite ready to dive into that memory, as of yet.  And as readiness is everything, and as I do not take others to a place that feels bad, I'll offer myself the same loving kindness that I extend to my friends, suggesting I'll not force myself to do or say anything until I've mustered the courage to open that door without fear of regression.

In truth, I've not yet worked to muster as much courage as is needed to edit the scariest portion of this story for this reason:  Other than posting insight into my decision-making process, my mind has been actively engaged in absorbing an abundance of love from people who expect nothing in return other than my love for them.  Oh my gosh—what a relaxing week this has been!

Last Thursday, we flew to Seattle, where we celebrated a special occasion with several couples, who prove to be life long friends.  As you may remember, we've been spending quite a lot of time with friends, who recognize our value in contrast to that which we'd recently experienced in terms of extended family emotional upheaval.  I mean, feeling showered with smiles glowing with love is exactly what Will and I have been in need of... especially right now, while he is being prepped to withstand two months of radiation therapy, which lay directly ahead ...

Hmmm ... I believe insight just asked me to listen up:  Perhaps I'm expecting too much of myself.  Perhaps the recent loss of my mother and Will's cancer are challenge enough to handle, right now.  Perhaps it's enough to hold one challenge in my left hand and the other in my right instead of tossing another ball into the air thus expecting my mind to juggle three of life's most challenging situations, all at once.

Wow!  The intelligent nature of having recognized my need to shift my mind set offered my think tank reason to relax, proving it's not easy to think of myself as a human being rather than a human doer—doing as I should.

I wonder if you realize what you've just witnessed ...
Rather than worrying about disappointing you, my mind made a healthy shift toward taking good care of my present needs.  And if, feeling disappointed, you turn away from me then perhaps we were not as meaningfully connected as I'd hoped was true.

As for those of you who have come to care so deeply as to muster the patience to wait until readiness is mine, please feel me hugging you, wholeheartedly, while expressing my gratitude at feeling worthy of your love just as I am ...

The drapes are open; the sun is shining; fresh grapefruit juice from my tree is awaiting my enjoyment while I sway back and forth on my patio swing, musing upon all there is to absorb about living a well balanced life where work and worry do not out weigh each person's existential need to run the bases until we home in on the vital importance of claiming our just reward for being good hearted souls.

If you ask me to name what I perceive as our 'just reward', I'd reply:  The 'just reward' for being a good natured soul proves to be a wholehearted sense of high spirited love flowing freely, back and forth, untarnished by inner conflict born of fear.  And with a mindset as positively focused as that permeating my mind, here is what I plan to do as soon as today's train of thought has been launched into cyberspace:  I'll be sipping freshly squeezed juice on my patio swing, where  thoughts concerning possibilities ignite a smile as bright as a sunbeam streaming across the desert sky, which reminds me of my father's sparkling blue eyes inviting a good little girl to set fear aside, dry her tears and nestle within the safe haven of his loving embrace until such time as her traumatized mother has recovered her sense of balance, which lucky for three year old me, she did.

Have you considered how often love and courage walk hand in hand?

Monday, May 26, 2014

1030 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 24

14G
Once I learned how quickly fear bends a mindset toward negativity, I began to resolve inner conflicts by identifying my own negatively focused trains of thought.  Each time I identify a darkly focused mindset, today, my think tank shifts toward seeking insight into creative solutions to which I'd previously been blind.

Each time fear is set aside, my sights widen to take in the layout of the entire field, and as thoughts shift from dark to bright, I find myself contemplating brand new possibilities, which strengthen my sense of hope.  As a heart full of hope re-energizes my spirit, my smile ignites.

Once my mind shifts from fear toward a positively focused attitude, time spent in solitude sparks creative solutions that brighten my view of whatever had seemed impossible before.

If you ask how a hopeful sense of creativity resolves inner conflict born of fear, I'd reply:  Time and again, creative thinking takes me to second base.  And once I've made it half way home, all I need is a power hitter to take me the rest of the way.  In short, two heads prove better than one when both take turns coaching each other to brainstorm on a positively focused track.  This fails to take place when both minds feel fearful at the very same time.

While reading my posts, you watch the intelligent portion of my brain re-examining mind sets based in fear until intuition identifies which mindset proves in need of reconsideration.  Example?  During the early sixties, I'd not dared to sleep with a man I'd loved until we were married. I dared not consider that because it was commonly considered immoral.  Currently, common sense suggests the wisdom of taste tests before vowing to connect with a person for a lifetime.  With a quick glance back through history we notice this shift in a mindset which had been written in stone for thousands of years.  

Please make no mistake, I'm not advocating sleeping around, quick divorce, committing adultery or open marriage.  What I am strongly advocating is this:  Upon identifying subconscious guilt trips, acquired during childhood, we can figure out how to satisfy our needs without allowing the haunting nature of unresolved guilt trips to beat us up.  As history proves that my bent toward creative reasoning has not yet taken another person to an unhealthy place, I believe intuition will continue to guide my path toward making decisions which will offer my spirit sound reason to thrive as the future unfolds.

Wouldn't it be great to free your adult mind of a guilt trip that has held your sense of existential freedom hostage ever since a godlike super hero caught you in the act of breaking a rule when you were a child?

Gosh, I sure do hope that this week's cornucopia of creative thought has injected my mind with the heartfelt sense of courage necessary to strengthen my resolve to sweep inner conflict, born of fear, out of my mind, so the adult I prove to be can gather a terrified, good little girl into the safe haven of my loving embrace rather than watching my adult mind regress into that fearful place of traumatized terror, which had rightfully usurped control over the minds of every adult who'd understandably focused solely upon the terrible truth of what Grandma was about to discover in the buggy, thus causing my entire support system to lose sight of a small child's need to feel reassured that she has always been and always will be worthy of love, and thus will she continue to develop a self assured mindset whereby she'll feel naturally safe to be true to herself both at home, at school and whenever Fate offers up a fork in the road.

Needless to say, that very last thought could only take place in a perfect world.  Since the world we inhabit is far from perfect, it makes sense to 'reraise' yourself while you're raising your kids—and if it's too late for that, you might want to make haste, reraising yourself, because life is short, suggesting sound reason for reconsidering certain mindsets, right now …

Sunday, May 25, 2014

1029 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 23

14F
During sessions of EMDR, three memories arose, which proved so potent with danger to a small child's psyche that Mother Nature saw fit to bury the scariest details of each experience as deeply into my subconscious as possible.  As it turns out, Mother Nature protected me so well that, today, my defense system continues to derail my desire to edit stories written while I was still in denial.

Have I mentioned that subconscious secrets are not always attributed to PTSD?  When you and I were children, the adults we adored towered over us like giants.  If you can recall even one experience that offered your young psyche reason to believe that your parent had godlike powers then you may be half way home to freeing yourself of undeserved guilt trips, which may have haunted your sense of existential freedom throughout your life.

If you ask how I know that to be true, I'd reply:  When people talk, I listen.  And I did my homework.

What homework?  I read Francine Shapiro's book:  Getting Past Your Past

Though I'm not Dr. Shapiro's publicist, I am on a mission to entice others to free themselves of undeserved guilt trips in hopes of our working together to create a world where positive focus outweighs subconscious fear, which breeds attitudes of negativity more often than we know.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

1028 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 22

14E
Each time some aspect of life scares me out of my wits
Causing me to make a decision
That catalyzes my spirit to take a lengthy dive
My sixth sense suggests my need to
Soak my head in Walden Pond
And when intuition speaks, I listen

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Up above the world so high
Spirit sparkling in the sky ... Until
Unprocessed fear floods my mind with
Such a profusion of negatively charged confusion that
I lose sight of my connection to positively focused courage

As no one escapes childhood unscathed from feeling 'bad'
Common sense suggests that an overbearing presence
Will haunt your sense of peace as it did mine until
Your adult sense of intelligence chooses to
Quest toward insight into deeper truth
And once insight spotlights a dark spot of subconscious guilt
You, too, will free yourself of a mindset in need of review

If you want to know why
'What you don't know can hurt you
I'd reply:
What you don't know about yourself
Can hurt you by curbing your sense of joy
In much the same way as sticks and stones can break your bones

Once we accept both sides of human nature as
Existing for sound reason within us all
That's when we'll not feel guilty about
Considering our own deepest needs
With the same attention to detail that
We take care to meet the needs expressed by those we love

All we need do
To make that sense of balance come true
Is to stop fooling ourselves into believing that
We know ourselves in depth when in truth
Our defense systems are hard wired to
Blind us to emotional wounds in need of healing at our core 

Speaking from experience, I can tell you this:
It's far from easy to penetrate self protective, defensive walls
However, each time a story stalls while my conscious mind
Is readying itself to muster the humility and courage necessary to 
Quest toward insight into deeper truth, that's when
You'll see me being true to the woman I prove to be at my core ...

Friday, May 23, 2014

1027 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 21

Seven is commonly considered a lucky number, and this morning, seven significant examples of 'lucky for me' came to mnd:

Lucky for me, I experienced life changing encounters at my last two high school reunions.

Lucky for me, I continue to peel through layers of denial in hopes of identifying vulnerabilities as well as strengths.  

Lucky for me, I sidestep writer's block by writing about those times when a story gets stuck inside my head for this reason:  Each time I peel another layer of denial away, my subconscious blocks me from reviewing details, which had felt so terrifying at the age of three that the mere thought of reviving those moments in time paralyzes my mind until insight offers me the clarity to understand situations which had proved too overwhelming for a three year old (eleven year old or twelve year old) mind to fathom.

Lucky for me, while writing around a memory, too scary to revive without my shield of denial, insight into a confounding experience offers up the bigger picture, which had escaped me at three or eleven or twelve.  And once clarity of thought is mine, my adult mind is absolved of guilt, which I'd unknowingly heaped upon myself.

Lucky for me, insight into the bigger picture, revealed to me during the writing process, cleanses my subconscious of undeserved guilt.  Once cleansed of guilt, which had weighed heavy on my spirit for most of my life, my adult mind opens to absorbing details, which Mother Nature had deemed too scary for the undeveloped mind of a vulnerable child to consciously recall.  While engaged in the process of writing with my sense of maturity intact, I am capable of reconsidering details, which had frightened a vulnerable child half to death, and while you watch the scariest portion of each story flowing freely from my subconscious memory into my conscious mind without terrifying me, surely you can see why the writing process is considered cathartic.

Lucky for me, insight into a child's vulnerabilities enables my adult mentality to reconsider yesteryear's fear by invoking a solid sense of courage, which I'll surely need to call upon, repeatedly, as this last stage of my life unfolds, day by day ...

Lucky for me, you continue to seek me out, which makes me think you care about me, or perhaps my story inspires your curiosity to know more.  Either way, I appreciate your interest more than words can express ..

14D
Whenever you watch me write around a subconscious fear ( as I'm doing, right now) you play witness to my mind fishing for insight in hopes of achieving an Ah Ha! moment which will ready my sense of courage to push past fear in order to gain clarity into the most frightening aspects of each story that intuition compels me to tell.

*Soon, you'll see why I've come to believe that the degree of fear, shame and guilt that usurped control over my three year old mind in the wake of my sister's tragic demise was resultant of this fact:  Children's minds are like sponges in that they soak in their role models' emotional reactions. And once you witness that which my mind absorbed at the age of three, I believe you'll understand why my sense of safety shattered in the aftermath of Janet's death.

Whenever some aspect of a story dizzies my mind, today, you'll watch me retrace my steps in hopes of identifying a subconscious mindset that's still as half baked as when I was a child of three, or eleven or twelve.  For most of my life, I'd 'remembered' my childhood as happy-go-lucky as though scratching till I was hospitalized was no big deal.

In truth, I’d smiled through emotional pain by employing denial, again and again.  Since my smile sparkled, most every day, none had a clue that during the still of each night, subconscious memories had gnawed into my sense of peace as deeply as I'd itched to get out of my skin.

  Throughout the years of my childhood, the effects of PTSD, which had caused me to scratch until red stained the white of my pillow, remained undiagnosed.  Today, a pediatrician would know to suggest therapy rather than hospitalization.

Presently, I seek professional guidance whenever an unnamed weight causes my spirit to sag.  As luck would have it, I love to write, and while engaged in this wholesome activity, my subconscious converges with my conscious mind until my sixth sense stumbles upon an insight, which inspires me to reflect ever more deeply into those times when a day at the beach turned my sand castle into a sink hole that swallowed my smile.

As insights spotlight subconscious shadows of undeserved guilt, which is commonly called 'baggage', I've learned to excavate undeserved guilt trips by unpacking my baggage and reprocessing guilt ridden memories until clarity injects my mind with wholesome patterns of thought that make sense.  (Thank goodness for EMDR.  The R Stands for reprocessing)

At this point, I'm glad to know that my mind took refuge in denial, early on, for this reason:  As fear focused my mind on the sunniest aspects of life, I bitched less often than most.

If asked why I consciously think to cleanse my subconscious of undeserved guilt while aspiring to embrace life's sunny side, through and through—I'd reply—that which we think and feel we become.  And I aspire to become a woman whose sense of courage is not undermined by a mind troubled by inner conflict.  Each time my sense of inner conflict resolves, my sense of positive focus feels as bright as a sunbeam cascading across a clear blue sky.  As soon as my spirit feels free of conflict, my thoughts, concerning all that life has to offer as the future continues to unfold, inspires my smile to glow straight out of my core.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

1026 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 20

So ... you've most likely surmised that
We met with the radiation oncologist, on Monday
As Will starts a two month course of treatment, five days a week
I'll not leave home until his treatment is complete


As luck would have it
My addiction to hope injects my spirit with courage, and as
Will's doctors inspire us with the utmost of confidence
My smile has been brightening, naturally, every day

On the other hand
Cancer is scary stuff
So though my smile tends to brighten, naturally
At times I feel more vulnerable than I can believe

Deja vu, which is French
Means "already seen"
As in the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that
An event, currently being experienced, has been experienced in the past

At those highly vulnerable times
When déjà vu controls my mind
I seek out Will's reassurance
Which proves forthcoming

Or I spend time with a trusted friend
Or I write in hopes of inspiring insight to rally courage to
Tolerate whatever has re-ignited yesteryear's fear until
My next session of EMDR extinguishes another hot spot

While fortifying my sense of courage by way of 
Combining the healing nature of love with EMDR
I'll remain on this mission to free my subconscious of hot spots
Until the small child, shivering fearfully within, feels worthy of love

If you wonder what would make
A deeply loved child fear that she's unlovable
The answer to that riddle will appear
As this story moves forward and the next two unfold



Wednesday, May 21, 2014

1025 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED 19

14C

Just a few examples of Lady Luck smiling at me:


Lucky for me, Fate 'delivered' me into the loving care of my parents

Lucky for me, Fate blessed me with an intelligent, curious mind
Lucky for me, I've received a well-rounded education in school and life
Lucky for me, Will fell in love with me
Lucky for me, our love has weathered many ups and downs
Lucky for me, we have three wonderful sons
Lucky for me, our sons have grown to be our treasured friends
Lucky for me, our sons enjoy each other and prove mutually supportive.
Lucky for me, we’ve gathered friends all around the country
Lucky for me, these friendships have extended over most of my life
Lucky for me, I’ve loved my chosen profession
Lucky for me, A magazine publisher asked if I could write my thoughts
Lucky for me, I survived a horrendous head on collision
Lucky for me, brain surgery left me unimpaired
Lucky for me,  I accept the fact that life offers us good and bad
Lucky for me, I learned about EMDR and the long lasting effects of PTSD
Lucky for me, I do not fear exposing and exorcizing subconscious angst
Lucky for me, I fish for insight and catch quite a few
Lucky for me, I accept the fact that human nature and I have two sides
Lucky for me, I have come to know and embrace both sides of myself
Lucky for me, a young cousin and niece implored me to write this blog
Lucky for me, I chose to open my mind and write whole-heartedly
Lucky for me, you choose to read my blog
Lucky for me, you put up with my process of editing published posts
Lucky for me, I laugh at my own corny jokes
Lucky for me, I know what a lucky duck I am says Sam I am ...
Lucky for me, I've been a lucky duck much more often than not!

Luckily
Will and I have the utmost confidence in
His urologist and radiation oncologist

Hopefully
Fate will smile in our direction once
Will's treatment is complete

Mindfully
I consult with professionals, trained to help me control PTSD when
Deja vu floods my brain with yesteryear's unprocessed fear or pain

Fortunately
Our brains can be trained to hold on to this positively focused thought:
Attitude is everything, so it's up to each of us to exorcize negativity

Once
Each spot of negativity (a cancerous cell) is identified and exorcized
Peace of mind reduces angst born of inner conflict, every time!