Tuesday, September 17, 2013. (Edited version)
Will's surgery is exactly one week away. We plan to fly to be with Mom on Thursday, the 19th. My clothes for our trip to the Midwest are hanging, together, in my closet. How'd I coordinate this when my battery refuses to start? Up until Will's diagnosis, I'd flown to see Mom monthly, so my packing skills are on remote control. Though my clothes are organized, my mind is not. Each time I enter my closet and see my clothes readied for packing, anxiety spikes a bit higher.
Anxiety spikes when I think of going
Anxiety spikes when I think of canceling
Anxiety is a prime symptom of Catch 22 ...
Damned if I go, damned if I don't
This exemplifies inner conflict as the vice that's squeezing
Both sides of my brain, too tightly against each other:
On one side is Familial need of my presence
On the other side is my love for my family while
Intuition prods me to expand my mind set at least enough to
Accept and honor my need for personal growth
Why do I write of personal growth?
Because my comfort zone must expand before
I can seriously consider my need for peace and quiet as equal to
My family's expectation of my presence at Mom's gala ...
January, 2014
Right before my separation from Will
Inner conflict offered me reason to question:
To be or not to be—only for a second, but that second felt—awful ...
During this time of crises
Inner conflict offered me reason to question whether to demand
'Perfection' of myself or honestly acknowledge my need for quietude ...
In both situations, I found myself capable of working through inner conflict by shedding 'shoulds', thus offering me the freedom to be true to my loved ones and myself … suggesting, once again, that my first thought is not always my best thought, especially when I force myself to make a decision while both sides of my mind are locked within that classic, existential struggle, where inner conflict drowns out the voice of logic … And now you know why time spent in objective reflection suggests going back to the drawing board to think everything through, thoroughly, after my mind feels free of the vice …
Once both sides of my mind are calm and functioning in a well-balanced manner, my brain can think clearly as a whole, suggesting that upon 'second thought', I tend to come up with simple plans, which, over the long run, turn downcast frowns into heartfelt smiles, and here is why that proves true, again and again: These plans invariably free my comfort zone from self imposed restriction, thus easing my mind set at times when my vulnerability needs greater leeway than ever before. Eventually, as each expansion of my mindset allows more of me to live naturally and love freely, my heart feels so light as to fly as high as a bird, chirping merrily through a clear blue sky, and as the wattage of my smile turns up to face the warmth of the sun, my spirit thrives.
If we stop for a moment to reflect over that last train of thought, perhaps you'll come to see why I believe there are few plans in life which are invested with as much common sense as that :)
PS
When a plan proves imperfect, yet workable
The perfectionist in me knows who to call …
I call a friend, like Margie, who reminds me of this fact:
Brainstorming toward perfection proves an impossible feat
Each time I remind myself of that deeper truth
Tension tends to lessen ...
Allowing me to be kind to myself when
My instinctive need for personal growth conflicts with
Societal 'shoulds' that limit my scope …
Will's surgery is exactly one week away. We plan to fly to be with Mom on Thursday, the 19th. My clothes for our trip to the Midwest are hanging, together, in my closet. How'd I coordinate this when my battery refuses to start? Up until Will's diagnosis, I'd flown to see Mom monthly, so my packing skills are on remote control. Though my clothes are organized, my mind is not. Each time I enter my closet and see my clothes readied for packing, anxiety spikes a bit higher.
Anxiety spikes when I think of going
Anxiety spikes when I think of canceling
Anxiety is a prime symptom of Catch 22 ...
Damned if I go, damned if I don't
This exemplifies inner conflict as the vice that's squeezing
Both sides of my brain, too tightly against each other:
On one side is Familial need of my presence
On the other side is my love for my family while
Intuition prods me to expand my mind set at least enough to
Accept and honor my need for personal growth
Why do I write of personal growth?
Because my comfort zone must expand before
I can seriously consider my need for peace and quiet as equal to
My family's expectation of my presence at Mom's gala ...
January, 2014
Right before my separation from Will
Inner conflict offered me reason to question:
To be or not to be—only for a second, but that second felt—awful ...
During this time of crises
Inner conflict offered me reason to question whether to demand
'Perfection' of myself or honestly acknowledge my need for quietude ...
In both situations, I found myself capable of working through inner conflict by shedding 'shoulds', thus offering me the freedom to be true to my loved ones and myself … suggesting, once again, that my first thought is not always my best thought, especially when I force myself to make a decision while both sides of my mind are locked within that classic, existential struggle, where inner conflict drowns out the voice of logic … And now you know why time spent in objective reflection suggests going back to the drawing board to think everything through, thoroughly, after my mind feels free of the vice …
Once both sides of my mind are calm and functioning in a well-balanced manner, my brain can think clearly as a whole, suggesting that upon 'second thought', I tend to come up with simple plans, which, over the long run, turn downcast frowns into heartfelt smiles, and here is why that proves true, again and again: These plans invariably free my comfort zone from self imposed restriction, thus easing my mind set at times when my vulnerability needs greater leeway than ever before. Eventually, as each expansion of my mindset allows more of me to live naturally and love freely, my heart feels so light as to fly as high as a bird, chirping merrily through a clear blue sky, and as the wattage of my smile turns up to face the warmth of the sun, my spirit thrives.
If we stop for a moment to reflect over that last train of thought, perhaps you'll come to see why I believe there are few plans in life which are invested with as much common sense as that :)
PS
When a plan proves imperfect, yet workable
The perfectionist in me knows who to call …
I call a friend, like Margie, who reminds me of this fact:
Brainstorming toward perfection proves an impossible feat
Each time I remind myself of that deeper truth
Tension tends to lessen ...
Allowing me to be kind to myself when
My instinctive need for personal growth conflicts with
Societal 'shoulds' that limit my scope …
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