I didn't feel hit by a truck immediately
That came later
During the first several weeks after Will's diagnosis
My think tank placed a high value on
Sheltering Will's vulnerability, concerning his mortality, by
Wrapping my husband within the warm glow of a loving smile
My mistake was in assuming that
My smile would last throughout his entire ordeal without a lapse
And when I'd promised myself
To create reason for Will to smile, every day ... Well …
That's because during life's most trying times
My spirit has demonstrated its fair share of inner strengths
In fact, I've been known to jump through hoops for years
In hopes of satisfying the needs of loved ones before
Mental and emotional exhaustion hit so hard
As to knock me out of the game
As it's my habit to conjure up creative plans of action
Woman planned but God, being preoccupied in the Middle East
Proved so world weary as to have dozed off, because
I was offered not one intuitive clue into this fact:
Strange goings on we're brewing deep inside my mind
And, unfortunately, I was so busy taking good care of Will
That I'd forgotten to remember this fact, as well:
During times of family crises
Unexpected emotional reactions emerge
And as the best of planners can't prepare
For emotional reactions which are utterly unexpected
I continued to consciously organize my mind as
Logically as possible (or so I'd thought) while
Having no clue that common sense was about to be
Undermined by subconscious fear
And as long as my sense of leadership had been blind
To the fact that subconscious fear was about to
Filter into my sense of logic
I, misperceiving myself to be in control of my mind
Could not know that my decision would flatten my spirit
And when I make a decision in good faith, which
At first, offers relief from inner conflict but then proves to
Flatten my spirit, that's intuition suggesting
My decision is in serious need of revision
Unfortunately, that train of thought did not
Enlighten my mind with insight until reflection
Offered me hindsight which leads to developing the foresight to
Consider my needs along with the needs of those I love
As my habit to shelter the hearts of loved ones
Had allowed subconscious fear
(which is a strong emotion, indeed)
To filter into my thought process
My sense of logic had unknowingly
Twisted itself into a knot of tension, which
Had distorted my vision of the bigger picture as a whole
And while I remained unaware of sheltering the hearts of loved ones while
Dismissing needs of my own
I created a list of our nearest and dearest
In order to make personal calls with the intention of
Imparting distressing news with a sense of calmness, which
would hopefully prove contagious
And initially, my mission met with success, because
Information, which I'd imparted to loved ones
Sheltered Will from answering
The same questions, again and again and again ...
Why again and again and again?
Because our nearest and dearest number many for this reason:
If my heart loved you once upon a time ...
I love so deeply that my once upon a time lasts forever
And though eventually, I made good use of email and texting
Initially, my heart leaped over miles to hug friends from
My high school days and Will's, as well as ...
Our college days
Couples from med school, the air force
Will's surgical residency and those
Who have played a heartfelt role in our lives
Over these thirty-nine years of desert dwelling, personally
As each of these personal calls required time and energy
I answered questions calmly and patiently, until
Details, concerning Will's cancer, became
As deeply embedded into my mind as the ABC's
And, oh yes, in addition to phone calls to out-of-towners
We'd made lunch or dinner plans with friends who live nearby in hopes of
Softening unwelcome news in a heartfelt manner, eye to eye
So if, upon reflection, you ask:
Annie, what was the unexpected reaction that ultimately emerged
After these initial weeks of having smiled lovingly and bravely passed?
I'd reply:
While smiling and sheltering my husband, as well as
Taking good care of our loved ones
I'd permeated my mind with details, concerning cancer, day after day
Until finally, before completing our list
I ran out of words for this reason:
Ultimately, all I wanted was that which
I'd provided for Will and everyone I loved
In fact, heartfelt shelter, peace and quiet
Had grown to be my personal need
Suggesting that once again
I'd taken good care of everyone I'd loved
With no thought of including myself within
The inner sanctum of that hallowed group ... Except for this fact:
When loved ones who live nearby asked how they could best be of help
I, having experienced many surgeries over the years
Knew exactly what to reply ...
That came later
During the first several weeks after Will's diagnosis
My think tank placed a high value on
Sheltering Will's vulnerability, concerning his mortality, by
Wrapping my husband within the warm glow of a loving smile
My mistake was in assuming that
My smile would last throughout his entire ordeal without a lapse
And when I'd promised myself
To create reason for Will to smile, every day ... Well …
That's because during life's most trying times
My spirit has demonstrated its fair share of inner strengths
In fact, I've been known to jump through hoops for years
In hopes of satisfying the needs of loved ones before
Mental and emotional exhaustion hit so hard
As to knock me out of the game
As it's my habit to conjure up creative plans of action
Woman planned but God, being preoccupied in the Middle East
Proved so world weary as to have dozed off, because
I was offered not one intuitive clue into this fact:
Strange goings on we're brewing deep inside my mind
And, unfortunately, I was so busy taking good care of Will
That I'd forgotten to remember this fact, as well:
During times of family crises
Unexpected emotional reactions emerge
And as the best of planners can't prepare
For emotional reactions which are utterly unexpected
I continued to consciously organize my mind as
Logically as possible (or so I'd thought) while
Having no clue that common sense was about to be
Undermined by subconscious fear
And as long as my sense of leadership had been blind
To the fact that subconscious fear was about to
Filter into my sense of logic
I, misperceiving myself to be in control of my mind
Could not know that my decision would flatten my spirit
And when I make a decision in good faith, which
At first, offers relief from inner conflict but then proves to
Flatten my spirit, that's intuition suggesting
My decision is in serious need of revision
Unfortunately, that train of thought did not
Enlighten my mind with insight until reflection
Offered me hindsight which leads to developing the foresight to
Consider my needs along with the needs of those I love
As my habit to shelter the hearts of loved ones
Had allowed subconscious fear
(which is a strong emotion, indeed)
To filter into my thought process
My sense of logic had unknowingly
Twisted itself into a knot of tension, which
Had distorted my vision of the bigger picture as a whole
And while I remained unaware of sheltering the hearts of loved ones while
Dismissing needs of my own
I created a list of our nearest and dearest
In order to make personal calls with the intention of
Imparting distressing news with a sense of calmness, which
would hopefully prove contagious
And initially, my mission met with success, because
Information, which I'd imparted to loved ones
Sheltered Will from answering
The same questions, again and again and again ...
Why again and again and again?
Because our nearest and dearest number many for this reason:
If my heart loved you once upon a time ...
I love so deeply that my once upon a time lasts forever
And though eventually, I made good use of email and texting
Initially, my heart leaped over miles to hug friends from
My high school days and Will's, as well as ...
Our college days
Couples from med school, the air force
Will's surgical residency and those
Who have played a heartfelt role in our lives
Over these thirty-nine years of desert dwelling, personally
As each of these personal calls required time and energy
I answered questions calmly and patiently, until
Details, concerning Will's cancer, became
As deeply embedded into my mind as the ABC's
And, oh yes, in addition to phone calls to out-of-towners
We'd made lunch or dinner plans with friends who live nearby in hopes of
Softening unwelcome news in a heartfelt manner, eye to eye
So if, upon reflection, you ask:
Annie, what was the unexpected reaction that ultimately emerged
After these initial weeks of having smiled lovingly and bravely passed?
I'd reply:
While smiling and sheltering my husband, as well as
Taking good care of our loved ones
I'd permeated my mind with details, concerning cancer, day after day
Until finally, before completing our list
I ran out of words for this reason:
Ultimately, all I wanted was that which
I'd provided for Will and everyone I loved
In fact, heartfelt shelter, peace and quiet
Had grown to be my personal need
Suggesting that once again
I'd taken good care of everyone I'd loved
With no thought of including myself within
The inner sanctum of that hallowed group ... Except for this fact:
When loved ones who live nearby asked how they could best be of help
I, having experienced many surgeries over the years
Knew exactly what to reply ...
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