917 NGUOUY Part 81 THE DAY BEFORE WILL'S SURGERY ...

Monday, September 23, 2013
Though Will, Barry and I were missed
Mom's celebration was warm, loving and memorable
Steven and Celina fly home from the Midwest
David flew to the coast, yesterday, and to us, today
Will is prepping for surgery, so he'll not eat dinner but
He feels well-nourished with love and
My heart feels gratified at the abundance of attentiveness which
Simultaneously buoyed Mom's spirit in the Midwest and
Will's spirit in the desert … 
As for me, I am deeply aware that
The next several weeks are all about Will, and
As eight weeks of waiting for 24 biopsies to heal comes to an end
And as every end dawns a new beginning, and as tomorrow
Dr. B's well-practiced eye goes in after the cancer, at last …
I'm hoping to muster steadying strengths to
Take good care of Will, day and night, during
This ordeal, which lies directly ahead of us both ...

916 NGUOUY Part 80 COMFORTING SUPPORT

September 17, 2013
I don't remember who calls Mom with the disappointing news.  Though he's holding his own, I know it's not Will, and having no clue as to what's deviling me, I can barely talk …
I think that baton may have been passed to ... Steven

Our phone rings, and as one change leads to another, it's Barry, who conveys his turn to struggle with inner conflict …

Hi Mom, hi Dad
When I heard you need to stay home, I felt torn between going to Gram's party and flying to be with you.

As Will and I know how difficult resolving inner conflict tends to be, our response is brief:  We know how torn you must feel.  Hopefully, whatever you decide will offer you a greater sense of peace …

Okay, I'll call when I know …

(Upon hanging up the phone, my mind leaps back over the past eight weeks, and I picture myself sitting in Dr. B's exam room next to Will, suggesting, emphatically, that we not delay his surgery two additional weeks in order to attend Mom's party.  Though I defer to Will, who decides otherwise, misgivings continue to churn inside my mind …)

The next day, we hear from Barry, again.
I called Grandma and told her I need to be with you.  You see, here's the thing:  If I go to her party, I'll fly home (to the coast) on Sunday and fly to you on Monday.  Dad's surgery is Tuesday, and I need to fly home on Wednesday, because of a major business meeting that can't be delayed.  That leaves very little time for us to be together.  David plans to stay after the surgery, and Steven lives only ten minutes away.  If I fly in this Friday, we'll spend four days together before Dad's surgery.  I explained my reasoning to Grandma and told her I'd fly in to celebrate, one-on-one, when life calms down.

Having listened to Barry's explanation, we touch on the fact that inner conflict makes us wish to divide ourselves in half, and following that, Will and I reveal how much we're looking forward to Barry's weekend with us.

Once Barry arrives,  it's obvious that his choice to be with us means more than words can say, because spontaneous hugging circles round, every day.  At life's most trying times, the comforting presence of those we love can be enough to ease the swirl of emotional turbulence that throws trains of logical thought off track …

On Saturday, Barry's girlfriend, Marie, flies in.  When the guys go out to pick up dinner, I hold Marie close while expressing how much her loving support means, not just to Barry but to Will and me—and in response, her big, brown eyes tear up … bringing this insight to mind, once again:  At times when heartfelt connection runs so deep as to penetrate defensive walls, Mother Nature invented tears to release emotion that words can't convey …

915 NGUOUY Part 79 SEPT. 17TH, 2013 WITH READINESS, INNER CONFLICT RESOLVES

September 17, 2013 ... Later in the day ...
I walk into my closet
Take a look at garments hanging neatly …
Gathered together in readiness for packing and partying
And this time my heart sinks, because
The impossiblity of my flying to party in the Midwest hits like a rock
Will is sitting at the kitchen table working on an IME
(Independent Medical Exam for the Industrial Commision)
Upon my approach he looks up, and
I motion my need to sit in his lap—why?
I'm feeling utterly raw and as vulnerable as a child, that's why—
After pushing his chair back from the table
Will gathers me close and listens to me say:
I can't go.  I can't pretend to feel festive right before your surgery
I just can't party.  I need to be here, where it's quiet
Will answers simply:  Then we won't go
And we didn't

So how did I feel when the voice of reason broke through 'the shoulds'?
Really sad to disappoint Mom
And though my struggle with that conflict has come to an end
Anxiety drops only a notch for this reason:
I still have no clue that a subconscious memory, which is
Scaring me half to death, is working to slip through
A crack in my defensive wall …
And that frighting detail will verge on the edge of
My conscious awareness until
Two weeks after Will's surgery has passed …

January, 2014
Today, I wondered why I've been posting the same things, again and again, as of late—like working to raise my spirit from half mast toward basking in the warmth of the sun—and then, this awareness came to mind:

I'm no longer approaching the stage of life where loss grows more apparent, daily.  I've actually arrived.  Of the last generation, my mom and one beloved aunt are the only ones left.  Over the past several weeks, one friend had several stints; my dear friend, Jill, was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and last week, while I was in the Midwest, I learned that a third friend suffered a heart attack.  Next week, a friend, who had a quintuple by-pass, is coming to stay with us; Will still tires easily, and each time I fly to see my mom, it's really hard to say good bye. No matter how advanced a loved one's age, the end of life is a hard pill to swallow.  So, if you've been wondering why I continue to write of opening my heart to welcome opportunity each time it knocks with happiness in hand, well, perhaps this is my way to lift my spirit when reality, concerning this stage of life, feels too heavy a weight for my mind to carry around … 

Thankfully, we'll be celebrating Barry's birthday at the end of week, and as Marie's little guys, three year old Tony and two year old Ray, are a riot—I have no doubt that laughter will bubble up naturally, thus providing the best medicine for chasing the blues away—and on that up note, that's all folks—till the sun comes out, tomorrow … :)  

914 NGUOUY Part 78 SEPT 17, 2013 PACKING ...

Tuesday, September 17, 2013. (Edited version)
Will's surgery is exactly one week away.  We plan to fly to be with Mom on Thursday, the 19th.  My clothes for our trip to the Midwest are hanging, together, in my closet.  How'd I coordinate this when my battery refuses to start?  Up until Will's diagnosis, I'd flown to see Mom monthly, so my packing skills are on remote control.  Though my clothes are organized, my mind is not.  Each time I enter my closet and see my clothes readied for packing, anxiety spikes a bit higher.

Anxiety spikes when I think of going
Anxiety spikes when I think of canceling
Anxiety is a prime symptom of Catch 22 ...
Damned if I go, damned if I don't
This exemplifies inner conflict as the vice that's squeezing
Both sides of my brain, too tightly against each other:
On one side is Familial need of my presence
On the other side is my love for my family while
Intuition prods me to expand my mind set at least enough to
Accept and honor my need for personal growth
Why do I write of personal growth?
Because my comfort zone must expand before
I can seriously consider my need for peace and quiet as equal to
My family's expectation of my presence at Mom's gala ...

January, 2014
Right before my separation from Will
Inner conflict offered me reason to question:
To be or not to be—only for a second, but that second felt—awful ...

During this time of crises
Inner conflict offered me reason to question whether to demand
'Perfection' of myself or honestly acknowledge my need for quietude ...

In both situations, I found myself capable of working through inner conflict by shedding 'shoulds', thus offering me the freedom to be true to my loved ones and myself … suggesting, once again, that my first thought is not always my best thought, especially when I force myself to make a decision while both sides of my mind are locked within that classic, existential struggle, where inner conflict drowns out the voice of logic … And now you know why time spent in objective reflection suggests going back to the drawing board to think everything through, thoroughly, after my mind feels free of the vice …

Once both sides of my mind are calm and functioning in a well-balanced manner, my brain can think clearly as a whole, suggesting that upon 'second thought', I tend to come up with simple plans, which, over the long run, turn downcast frowns into heartfelt smiles, and here is why that proves true, again and again:  These plans invariably free my comfort zone from self imposed restriction, thus easing my mind set at times when my vulnerability needs greater leeway than ever before.  Eventually, as each expansion of my mindset allows more of me to live naturally and love freely, my heart feels so light as to fly as high as a bird, chirping merrily through a clear blue sky, and as the wattage of my smile turns up to face the warmth of the sun, my spirit thrives. 

If we stop for a moment to reflect over that last train of thought, perhaps you'll come to see why I believe there are few plans in life which are invested with as much common sense as that :)

PS
When a plan proves imperfect, yet workable
The perfectionist in me knows who to call …
I call a friend, like Margie, who reminds me of this fact:
Brainstorming toward perfection proves an impossible feat
Each time I remind myself of that deeper truth
Tension tends to lessen ...
Allowing me to be kind to myself when
My instinctive need for personal growth conflicts with
Societal 'shoulds' that limit my scope …

913 NGUOUY Part 77. STRESS TAKES TURNS STRESSING US OUT

September 2013
I awaken on Sunday morning, disheartened to find myself feeling as petrified as before Margie and I had spoken, heart to heart, yesterday.  I'm deeply disappointed in myself until Margie sets me straight:  Annie, this is when you'd tell me to be kind to myself.  As my friend's words ring true, I smile and invite her to move in with us.  Returning my smile, Margie reassures me that if I call, she'll fly in and remind me to stop being so hard on myself.  Then she goes on to say:  If our roles had been switched here's what you would say to me: During times of personal crises, when your vulnerability is fully exposed, that's when your friends' compassion matters most.  Though you feel the need to be there for your Mom, if you can't get on a plane and fly across the country and celebrate with everyone from near and far, those who really know you will understand and those who don't shouldn't matter.

How did I answer?
But I want to be there for my mom ...
Margie's answer to that?
Hopefully, your mom will be the first to understand ...

While Will takes Margie and Mike out to brunch, I feel myself hunkering down, as though searching deep within for what?  I have no clue.  But from that time until four weeks later when the detail slipped through the crack into my conscious mind, I have more faith in myself than before I saw myself through the eyes of this beloved friend, who, in years passed, had instinctively called upon me during her most trying times ...

Sunday, January 26, 2014
As I'd spent the past five days in the frigid Midwest, my time for writing will be short, today, because I'm planning to be with Will, who looks exhausted.  Upon setting eyes on him at the airport, yesterday, I returned his welcoming smile and after sharing a warm hug, I said, Will, you look so tired.  And thin.

When Will replied:  I lost five pounds, I exclaimed:  Five pounds?  I've only been gone five days! 

It's stress from going through years of patients's files.  I have to be out of the office by Jan. 31st.  So now that my files are separated from the other docs and have been boxed, I need to rent a storage unit, get them moved and save them for seven years.

Though Will has been working at this task of closing his surgical practice for the past six weeks, the strain of this change, coupled with the stress that accompanies cancer is more exhausting than he'd expected ...

Then Will asked, how is Elliot enjoying his new home?
Elliot is a college friend of ours; one of The Guys' ...   He recently moved from the desert back to the Midwest to be near family.  What a time to move from 70 degrees to wind chill factors below zero!  Anyway, his home is near Mom's rehab facility, and I'd accepted his invitation to stay with him.

Will, I said in response, I think you're changing the subject from your weight loss to Elliot, because you already know how he is, since you and I spoke, every night.  I'm worried about you ...

It's just stress, Annie.  Nothing more.
Just stress?  Will, stress can be more than enough to ... Are you sleeping?
Not very well.
Not eating.  Not sleeping.  Are you being kind to yourself?
Will gets my drift and smiles.  Now that you're home, I feel better, already.
Last night, Will enjoyed dinner with our friends ...
And slept peaceably by my side.
This strong man, who courageously opened people up with the confidence that they'd lead healthier lives after placing their trust in his professional expertise, slept peacefully, because I was home ...

Suggesting, once again, that offering each other the power of compassionate, loving support during stressful times of change proves to be an amazingly soothing balm, all around ... And most of the time, all we need do to take good care of loved ones is to hold their hearts within our own ...

912 NGUOUY Part 76 SEPT. 2013—MOM'S PARTY IS TWO WEEKS AWAY …

September 7, 2013
Today is Saturday, Sept. 7th.  While Margie and I sit, side by side, on my living room couch, I'm expressing my concern about attending Mom's party.  Will and I plan to fly to the Midwest on Sept. 17th to spend time with Mom before her celebration on Saturday, the 21st.  Sunday, the 22nd, we fly home.  Monday, Will will prep for his surgery, which is scheduled for Tues. the 24th.

At first, Margie reassures me that the woman she's known intimately since college will muster the strength to attend and enjoy her mother's gala celebration.  In response to my dear friend's belief in me, my eyes engage somberly with hers while my head shakes, slowly from side to side.

Though I have no clue what's causing the depth of my fear, somehow I do know this:  Whatever is tormenting me runs deeper than rallying my strengths to fly to the Midwest and enjoy my mother's celebration of life.  Whatever this is that's lurking, menacingly, within the dark side of my mind feels much more powerful than my line of control.  Rather than working to control this fear, I need to understand what it is, because I don't ever want it to arise and terrorize me, again.

In retrospect, I must have expressed myself with enough conviction for Margie to switch tracks, because as soon as I 'm quiet, my dear friend says:  Annie, I learn something from you, every time we're together.

As this statement takes me by surprise, I ask:  What could you possibly be learning from watching me paralyzed by fear?

Margie's reply surprises me, again:
Smiling warmly, Margie says:  You aren't paralyzed, Annie.  People who are paralyzed by fear do not work to uncover the main source of their torment.  Rather than seeing you as paralized, I'm watching you work harder than anyone I've ever met to understand the source of your torment.  As to what I'm learning, well, I'm watching your mind trying to figure out how to get yourself to a better place.  (Upon hearing this, I'm reminded of Angie, who says:  Annie, you don't let go of a problem till you pull out the main root and face the eye of the tiger.)  Then, Margie continues with:

While you're moving through whatever this is, please be as kind and gentle with yourself as you'd be with your best friend.  I know you well enough to believe you'll get to the other side of whatever this is … And with that, we lean in toward each other, and I take solace in Margie's loving hug.

Upon letting go of each other, I ask:  Where did you absorb such wisdom?  At that, Margie chuckles and replies:  Some from reading, but mostly from listening to you when I was making my way through the dark, scary time of my divorce.  And as memories of that time fly out of my mind, I smile in return …

Next, I ask:  What makes you so certain that I'll get to the other side?
My friend smiles and simply says:  You always do.
And somehow, I feel so much better that …

By Saturday evening, I'm re-energized enough to darken my lashes with mascara, brighten my cheeks with blush, and accompany Will and our friends to our favorite restaurant, which is covered, wall to wall and ceiling to floor with sports memorabilia, and the ribs can't be beat.  Though my appetite does not rally, at least I'm smiling, engaging in conversation and beginning to believe that enjoying my Mom's party in two weeks might be possible, after all...

January 26, 2014
BTW ... Yesterday, I did make it home from the frigid Midwest with just enough time to unpack before Will and I were picked up by Angie and Mark.  We four drove across the city to hold our dear friends, Jill and Jerry, close to our hearts in their time of need—because it's during our most vulnerable times that we treasure each other's friendship, most of all …

911 NGUOUY Part 75 SEPTEMBER 2013 FEAR AND INNER CONFLICT DISRUPTS MY THINK TANK …

What happens when inner tension grows so great that a perfectly good brain feels as hard as a rock, placed within a vice that tightens till personal strengths seem to crumple like a fist full of tin foil?  Well … at first glance …

September 2013
Seemingly, it makes sense to believe that something is terribly wrong with me, when in truth, what is wrong is that I don't know what is wrong and neither does anyone else … and no one can unlock my subconscious to help me to figure out what demon is lumbering around, behind my mental block, except for me, suggesting that the most secure, mature, self confident side of my conscious mind must muster the courage to crack through a defensive wall, which, until recently, had stopped my conscious mind from identifying a subconscious 'secret' too terrifying for a child to recall, and what if no one realizes that this secret, which has been squeezing through cracks in my defensive wall, one detail at a time, has been attempting to release another detail that will explain the depth of this fear that began to paralyze me as Will's surgery neared?  Well, as long as that detail remains secreted from my conscious mind, it's likely that most people will see me as over-reactive, kind of crazy or perhaps a touch of both, right?  And so, upon awakening each morning and peering into my mirror, I, too, will worriedly wonder  …

What happens when you arise after a sleepless night to peer in the mirror and see eyes rimmed in dark circles?  When size 4 petite jeans have suddenly grown baggy?  When your husband is facing cancer surgery, and everyone says 'be strong', but you can't find a strength to save your own life?  How confounded must the conscious mind of this person become?  I mean if this happened to you, wouldn't you wonder how your perfectly capable, solution-seeking brain got to feeling like a piece of scrap metal, crushed, painfully within a vice?

When do you need a positively focused, compassionate, non-judgemental support system, most?  When your spirit is strong and your brain is functioning fine? Or when you are forcing yourself to eat, breathe deep and unclench your muscles at least enough to get from the bed to living room, where you sit on the couch next to your husband, who slides a protective arm around your shoulder, pulls you in close and asks if you've had any juice—I mean seriously—isn't this the time when I'm supposed to be taking care of Will??????

If asked what caused me to forget my own mantra(NGUOUY) which is meant to breathe life into my spirit before it exhausts, reflection offers up this insightful reply:

In truth, I did not forget my mantra.  I just didn't recognize it speaking to me when I'd hear myself say:  Whatever this is that's tormenting me is deeper than facing the approach of Will's surgery.  This fear is emerging from a secret chamber in my mind …

Seeing myself as unable to function, I asked my therapist and internist if they thought me in need of hospitalization; both answered, individually:  No.  The power of this fear is causing your brain's defense system to produce so much adrenalin that your fight/flight/freeze instinct has switched off your Neo Cortex's ability to think.  Once we relax your adrenal glands, your adrenalin production will re-adjust itself.

At this point, my therapist and internist conversed by phone and concurred that Ativan would calm my adrenal gland, which had gone into overdrive, as well as calming my heartbeat and the rest of my body, thus, allowing my contracted muscles to relax.  Being highly sensitive to medication, I felt so completely drugged that the lowest dosage was cut into half, and even then, I could barely open my eyes.  Hating the way this drug made me feel, I had to force myself to swallow it and couldn't wait to stop taking it. 

Thank goodness I'd been working with an astute therapist, trained in EMDR, which helps me to uncloak 'forgotten' memories—one detail at a time—traumatic memories which had severely injured my self esteem ...

And as I'd made a study of injured self esteem for many years, my mantra of:

NEVER GIVE UP ON UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF

Had not deserted me as I'd thought.  Retrospectively, here's how I know that to be true:

Throughout those two weeks before Will's surgery and the two weeks after, I kept saying aloud:  This reaction is not about Will's cancer.  This is caused by something deeper.  In the worst case scenerio, I do not fear life on my own.  I lived alone during the months of our separation.

Unfortunately, while my brain felt crushed in that vice, that's the extent of what intuition had been able to convey to my conscious mind for this reason:

A think tank, pulsing with adrenalin-driven tension, is blocked from hearing intuition trying to clarify why I could not breathe, or eat or unclench muscles, which had grown painful from head to toe—or write to save my life.  During those weeks, intuition had no way to signal me of this fact:  My conscious mind was actually working doggedly, day and night, to communicate with my subconscious.

Upon reflection, I can say:  Thank goodness my brain remained within that vice, which forced both sides of my mind (my logical think tank and my subconscious terror) to squeeze against each other until the defensive wall that divided my brain in half, cracked—allowing one more detail, secreted away for many years, to slip through that crack … and at the exact moment when that detail slipped into my conscious mind, I was in bed with Will, who, though sound asleep, had been holding my hand, because we couldn't cuddle, together, until his incision had healed …

October, 2013
Will, I say quietly, so as to awaken my husband, gently, Will ...

When Will opens his eyes, I continue ...

Will, it stopped when I met you ...

At this Will, still groggy with sleep, awakens just enough to ask ...
Huh? ... What stopped?

January, 2014
There I go, leaping too far ahead on my story line, again, when
I've not yet finished telling you how my dear friend, Margie, helped me to make a heart-wrenching decision, concerning my mom's 100th birthday celebration.

BTW ... Today is January 25, 2014
Though I was supposed to fly home after seeing my mom in the rehab facility after she'd suffered a fall (no broken bones, thank goodness!) I'm still in the Midwest.  My flight, which was due to arrive from the east coast, was cancelled due to weather, last night.  Hopefully, I'll fly home, this afternoon …
Wish me luck ...

910. NGUOUY. Part 74 FRIDAY JANUARY 24, 2014

January 24, 2014
Flying home from the Midwest, this evening
Leaving Mom will be difficult ...
More difficult than ever before …
What if this is the last time …
Somehow, that's all I can write, for now ...
Too much emotion churning within to say more ...

909 NGUOUY Part 73 100 YEARS AND COUNTING

January 2014
I am writing today's post from the Midwest
I fly here monthly to see my mom, who is one hundred years young
At least her spirit seemed younger than springtime until
Last year when breast cancer grabbed control over her life ....

September 9th, 2013
Mom's one hundredth birthday
Unbelievable!
Unbelievable to the point that, with great pride
I tell anyone who will listen how long
My lovely mother has graced our lives with her presence
Upon calling to wish my mother happy birthday
I am gratified to hear how many loved ones have called
Or stopped by her apartment in the senior residence to
Hug her close and wish her well
Most of all,  I'm glad to hear how loved she feels 
Mom's gala celebration will be held in the Midwest on September 21st
Will's Surgery is scheduled for September 24th
Though one side of my mind works to muster the courage
Necessary to mollify the depth of my fear ...
Intuition continues to whisper this question into my ear:
How can I fly to the Midwest and party with
Many loved ones who plan to honor my mother when
It's nearly impossible to force myself to leave my house?
When Yom Kippur arrives at the end of this week
You'll see me at home, unable to
Unclench my muscles enough to
Ready myself to attend services …
If we move ahead one day to 
September 10th, you'll play witness to what takes place
When a much loved college friend, Margie and
Her significant other, Mike, fly in to hold us close
She takes one look at my wan spirit, pale face
Darkly ringed eyes, and sudden weight loss and
Calmly, warmly gathers me into her compassionate embrace ...
Feeling, somehow, a bit safer in her presence
My mind opens up to my dear friend of 53 years and
I ask aloud that which I could not bear to say to myself ...
How can I go to Mom's party, right before Will's surgery
When I can barely eat, sleep or unclench my muscles enough to move?
Annie, everyone who loves you and Will wants what's best for
Both of you during this deeply trying time ...
You don't need to go if you need to be here...
What?  Not go?  Of course I need to go!
How often does my mother turn one hundred?
The idea of placing my needs on the same level as
That which my mother needs of me offers no peace of mind ...
At least not yet
Why not?  Because ...
Generally speaking, we say—
Attitude, timing and readiness are everything—for this reason:
It takes time to develop the readiness to consider my needs, along with
The needs of loved ones, without
Raining undeserved guilt upon my own head …

908 NGUOUY Part 72 WHY CAN'T I EAT BREATHE TALK WRITE

September 2013
Our support system widens as friends and neighbors
Bring dinners and college friends call and fly in to bolster us
And friends from med school and our Air Force years suggest that
We let them know when we feel ready for house guests, because
Reality suggests that our generation is entering into
The winter of our lives, which
Highlights the importance of this fact:
As life races by, it's wise to offer each other
The comfort of one another's company while
Good health allows us to travel back and forth
And thus does it make sense to re prioritize
Time spent with loved ones who live far away

If you surmise that emotional support as loving as that
Should strengthen me... In many ways that's true and yet
Please think again ... because this is true, as well ...
I drop ten pounds in ten days
What is eating at my strengths, I ask?
Why can't I eat?
Or breathe?
Or talk?
Or write?
All I could tell my family and friends at that time was this:
I've never been so scared in my life!
Not when I awoke after the head on collision in intensive care
Not when, years later, I listened to a neurologist say brain surgery
Not when the maxiofacial surgeon described the intricate details by which
He and the neurosurgeon would attempt to extract
This life threatening tumor by way of removing my upper palate after 
Rearranging the lower portion of my face
Not when Mom had a bowel resection followed by a quintuple by-pass
Not when Dad had a triple by-pass
Not when a brain embolism took my beloved  Dad within a matter of hours
Not when Will and I'd separated and I lived alone ...
Not when Will was hospitalized with a serious case of pneumonia
So, what devil is tormenting my mind as Will's surgery draws near????
What is scaring me half to death
All I know is this:
I can barely eat or breathe or talk or write  
I'm tense to the point of every muscle in my body being
Painfully clenched, twenty four hours of each day
Childhood trauma, seeping out of subconscious pockets, does not
Occur to me or to my therapist or to my internist
I mean why would anyone link Will's cancer to triggering PTSD? …

January 2014
Do you realize that you already know more than I did at that time?
See what I mean about the importance of diving into
The depths of one's mind in
Hopes of retrieving one missing detail, which
Upon being revealed, may actually float a sinking ship, safely to shore
Like what if the captain had spied the iceberg in time to
Make a U turn ... no need for a movie to memorialize that tragedy, right?
If I am the captain of my ship, then during life's most confounding times
Isn't it my responsibility to dive into the deep end of my mind and
Spy the iceberg in time to save my spirit from drowning, unnecessarily?
As diving into the deep end is exactly what I did every time
Emotional confusion produced tension that proved  unbearable
Reflection suggests that I was not a mess as I'd been told ... by whom?
Yep, by 'those' who'd misjudged the little they could see on the surface
In fact ... In addition to judging me fragile
'Those' very same people had declared me to be too deep
Hmmm... Had I listened to 'those' people instead of
Forging my own path guess where I'd be, today?
I'd be weaving baskets in the shady rest home instead of
Penning this post, concerning making good use of my noggin by
Diving into the deep end of my think tank in hopes of extracting
Detail after detail, until the magic spell, which Mother Nature had
Cast over the mind of a deeply confounded child is broken, at last
And once this particular, 'forgotten' memory has been fully revealed
The terrifying nature of this 'secret', which I've kept from myself for
Most of my life, will no longer have the power to
Torment the mind of the woman the confounded child grew to be ...

907 NGUOUY Part 71 SEPTEMBER 2013 REPENTENCE AND RENEWAL

As the calendar flipped from August to September
A shift in my mindset took place
As this shift breathed life into a degree of fear
Deeper than I'd ever experienced before
I had need to tunnel toward insight, because
The depth of my fear was tying my strengths
Into such tense, tight, little knots that
My think tank couldn't process clearly enough to
Save me from scaring myself half to death
And as this unexpected change for the worse had
Raised its head as though all on its own
I knew, without a doubt that I had to
Lead myself toward understanding
Whatever was causing such torment inside my mind
Rendering me unable to function, at all ...

Traditionally, September conjures up
Thoughts of lighting candles, sipping sweet wine
Round challahs, sweetened with raisins
Slicing apples to dip in honey
All symbolizing the start to a sweet new year
Then we look forward to the savory aroma of
Chicken soup in which 
Light as air matzoh balls melt in our mouths
Followed by mini meatballs or chopped liver, and
By the time tender slices of brisket and gravy in which
Little, red, potatoes have been roasted to perfection
Are carried to the table, dressed in holiday finery
Our hunger is more than satiated …
Demonstrating our respect for this fact:
September is our time to prepare
A feast whereby family and friends gather together
In our home to honor our high holy days' approach

At this point in our lives, most of our friends
Attend synagogue four times each year:
On the eve of and the first day of Rosh Hashanah and
On the eve of and day of Yom Kippur
Though you'd expect our first holy day to focus on repentance and
The second to focus upon renewal, the opposite is true
You see, renewal is about feasting while
Repentence is about fasting
And perhaps God knew that he'd better feed us well before
Asking us to fast while repenting over shortcomings, past :)
At any rate, something snapped inside my mind during the first
Rosh Hashanah service, and that something proved to be
My thought processor's connection to my inner strengths
If you want to know how quickly my attachment to logic snapped
Well, stop reading for a second and snap your fingers in the air
Because that's how fast subconscious fear grabbed hold of my mind
Catalyzing anxiety to spike … and when anxiety spikes
Science has proven that the logical portion of
Our thought processors shut down and
Rather than brainstorming toward simple plans that
Consider needs all around, all we are left with is
One of these three choices:
Fight, flee or freeze
So anyway, it's the first day of Rosh Hashanah, and
We've reached the part of the service where
The rabbi is leading the congregation
In our traditional prayer for healing loved ones who are
Seriously ill or otherwise ailing when
Suddenly, it dawns on me that he is talking about Will
And just as quickly as I'd flipped the calendar from
August to September—
Which is when Will's surgery is scheduled—
My spirit slips down a slippery slope and
My processor tumbles after, and upon reaching bottom
Anxiety knocks my think tank out of commission  …
And thus does the agile side of my mind, which prides itself in seeking
Simple solutions to complex problems, find itself
Locked inside a deep freeze with no clue as to where
The missing key to insight might be found

To my good fortune, I am aware that
Modern psychology has gained insight into this fact:
Time does not heal all wounds
Time ties wounds into hard little knots that
Hide out for years within subconscious pockets of the mind
These hard knots are then sealed behind defensive walls
Which grow steeper and deeper, year after year
And that's why the human spirit must muster
The humility and courage to peel away at
These many layered walls before the wicks of these
Deeply wounded, hard knots of subconscious fear are re-ignited
Because once subconscious fear re-ignites unhealed wounds
Everyone needs to run for cover before emotional fireworks explode
And as I've created the line of control to
Thwart that reaction from burning my think tank to a crisp
Intuition suggests that I need to crack through this wall, behind which
The secret to my salvation from panic is locked, in hopes that insight into
Logical thought will rise to the surface of conscious awareness
And quell anxiety from spiking so high that
My mind can't find its way out of a paper bag …

906 NGUOUY Part 70 TRADING PLACES WITH OUR SONS

August 2013
Upon returning from the coast
My spirit stood strong, and my mind functioned as a healthy whole
In fact, Will and I had had reason to feel amused by this fact:
During our two weeks in paradise
Our sons, Barry and David, demonstrated
A need to trade places with us

Each time Will and I spend a week or more in their territory, our hearts feel enriched by our sons' demonstrations of love in that we find ourselves naturally included in whatever activities they plan.  And as that has been the case for years, their friends embrace us as affectionately as we embrace them.

So what changed with Will's diagnosis?
Our sons' mindsets expanded to include this stark fact of clarity:
Their parents are mortal creatures
And just as with all mortal creatures
There's a time for birth, a time for life and for the most part …
We do our best to forget that life must end until
A physical examination forces that truth to the forefront of our minds

My heart swells and a small smile plays on my lips as I reflect upon the ways in which our sons and their friends drew a circle of safety around both Will and me :)

What more could one ask during a mutually frightening time than to feel comforted by emotional support as caring as that.

To tell the truth, the last thing you want to hear when your minds are reeling with thoughts of cancer invading healthy tissue is:
Sorry to hear it
Most guys get it
More survive than don't
Buck up, don't worry
You'll be fine
Now, let's talk about me …

Believe it or not that's what we heard—from the same people who saw me as an 'all or nothing' person after they'd turned a deaf ear, repeatedly, to my consistent declarations of how worn out I'd clearly become …

And if you say, but Annie
Why did you expect to hear anything more supportive from them than that?
I'd reply:  Have you forgotten that hope springs eternal within my heart?

The fact that I'd hoped for support in the wrong places brings to mind an inspirational book, which proves to be a really quick read:  WHO MOVED THE CHEESE?  Good thing I'd absorbed the wisdom inherent within every page of that book, a while back, because each time my heart feels left out in the cold, today, I remind myself to seek shelter where an open door welcomes me warmly with loving kindness intact …

You see, two weeks in paradise does not cancel this fact:
Tension indicates fear or anger or both, suppressed deep within the mind
And as fear and anger drain a person's energy source
Will's spirit tires easily, and he looks worn

At any rate, here's the comment that graced Will's ears and mine each time one of our sons hugs us—just a little longer than usual—at the end of each evening, spent in the loving warmth of their company:

Call me when you arrive safely at the condo :)

As this is the first time that Will and I sense an aura of protectiveness coming from our sons, you can see why that comment made us smile

See what happens when
A loved one's vulnerability is suddenly apparent?
The mindsets of compassionate offspring
Automatically trade places with their parents
And though it's not nearly time for Will and I to pass the baton
It's comforting to know that all three had been raised in a home
Where, in addition to having been taught to
Respect kindness with kindness
Children watched their role models consciously working to
Develop a variety of inner strengths in hopes of
Achieving long range goals, such as:
Followers growing into positions of
Compassionate leadership, most especially at those times when
A day at the beach turns into a bitch, suggesting that we do not
Need to understand the disruption taking place within
A loved one's mind for everyone to problem solve with
Positive focus intact, so that, hopefully
Conflict resolution will culminate in trains of thought, based in
Attitudes (mind sets), which lead toward win/win …

905 NGUOUY Part 69 A NEED TO EXPLORE MY MINDSET …

Once, during an extended time of inner conflict
I had need to rest my mind from
Inner turmoil for quite a spell
And while my mind was at rest …

I learned that some, whom I'd considered lovingly supportive
Had labeled me an 'all or nothing' person, as in
Uncaring, selfish, fragile when in truth, my mind felt so confused
For so long that my spirit just 'plumb wore out'

Though the nature of that life changing experience
Made me exceedingly sad, eventually, exhaustion passed and
My spirit got to feeling so mad that my original mindset, which
Had placed the needs of others way above my own, fell apart

At that time when my mindset had sound reason to fall apart
I had the good sense to examine all of the puzzling pieces until
The bigger picture fit together in such an unexpected way as
To show myself as having been too empathetic for my own good

So the first thing my spirit had need to muster was
The self trust necessary to calm my injured ego on the spot
Next, my spirit had need to muster the maturity to
Mollify the madness that made me want to go to war

Upon quelling my defensive desire to insult insult with insult
My mind tunneled toward insight into my need to develop
The self confident clarity that proves necessary
If conflict resolution, rather than retaliation, is truly my goal

Then, as insight had offered me clarity into
Identifying my best character traits
I mustered the grace to reply to every darkly assumptive assault
With a sense of patient resolve to adhere to my path of win-win

Please note that my compassionate response to each attack
Was not based in the insight of a sage
Nor in the patience of a saint, but rather in this quote:
Be the change you wish for the world ... Gandhi

And to that end, I pledge my conscious decision to
Work painstakingly toward developing the patience of
A person, whose think tank is capable of tunneling
Ever more deeply toward insight into human nature for this reason:

I hope, at first, to lead myself toward absorbing this fact:
An attitude of 'all or nothing'
(with me or against me)
Proves to be self limiting

Then, hopefully
My stories may inspire countless others
To choose to follow my lead by
Exploring their mind sets, as well

Story by story, you'll come to see
What happens when I stretch toward
Giving my all until utter exhaustion hits so hard
There's nothing left of me to give, at all

Though that's who I was
(and since that didn't work very well)
Today, I feel free to say that my self limiting attitude
Has changed for the better in this way:

Today, I've grown to be a person who knows
To listen when intuition is leading my thought processor toward
Accomplishing a heartfelt mission—though
You'll not see my spirit push me to the point of exhausting my mind

Today, I'm no longer a complacent settler
Who will, one day, reflect back regretfully
Over roads not taken though
Opportunity beckoned, repeatedly

Today, I know myself to have grown to be
A self confident, competent map making explorer
Who embraces opportunity, graciously
Each time an adventure into the great unknown knocks at my door

Today, I accept the fact that
Some will tunnel toward developing insight into unmet needs
And some will not
(In truth, acceptance of that fact proves far from easy :)

Today, I work humbly to examine my mindsets
Thus offering my processor countless opportunities to
Develop a better sense of balance concerning when to lead myself
When to lead others and when to follow the lead of another

As insight into rebalancing my thought processor
Stops the fight/flee/freeze impulse from directing my decisions
Inner conflict can't grow so confounding
As to drive my mind crazy

You see, rather than allowing inner conflict to
Make me feel crazy, I call upon self trust to come up with
An insightful plan that allows me to be
True to those I love and myself, as well …

And what I ask could offer
A weary mind, torn in half
A more soothing, healing, re-energizing balm
Than that :)

904 NGUOUY Part 68 EXPLORERS AND SETTLERS :)

The population of the world is comprised of
Settlers and explorers for sound reason
Earlier in my life, I was a settler in that
I settled for a straight and narrow path, because
Anything other than safety worried my mind half to death
And when my mind worried, that which might have delighted
My spirit's sense of adventure was blocked from plain sight

About twenty years ago
My spirit had reason to flatten before standing up and
Asserting its need to fly as high as the sky
And if you ask what catalyzed such a dramatic change to
Take place inside my mind, whereby my attitude shifted
From settler to explorer, thus declaring my spirit's right to thrive
I'd reply—long story short:
Once upon a time, anxiety had cast a dark spell over
My thought processor, causing me to
Walk a narrow path where I ignored every street sign
Signaling my mind to awaken to the fact that
Fear of the unknown kept stopping me from
Embracing countless opportunities that were sure to enhance
My sense of delight, but rather than feeling free to
Embrace experiences which had offered personal growth
My anxious mindset kept closing the door to
Opportunity, repeatedly, for this reason:
Societal contraint had drummed so many 'shoulds'
Into my head  that I'd failed to hear intuition
Whispering of forks in the road where
Beaten paths are left behind in favor of
Making good use of my noggin to
Carve a brand new path, paved with self trust
And if you ask when I plan to address my theory, concerning
Settlers and explorers, I'll reply, right now :)

Whereas settlers settle for the beaten path
Explorers make good use of tools that
Inject their minds with shots of courage in hopes of
Scouting out a path where leadership feels enriched by
Embracing a sense of existential freedom, which
Had only been dreamt of, before
And once leadership establishes an expansive comfort zone
Followers may muster the courage to expand upon their own :)
Then, in order to enjoy a well balanced life
My theory, concerning explorers and settlers, suggests that
Leaders and followers would be wise to
Trade places, from time to time, and
Here is why trading places makes sense to me:
I have reason to believe that followers are not meant to
Follow the same leader, forever, because 
Every leader is sure to experience times when
Confusion deems it best to follow the lead of another
And if you ask why I believe that makes sense, I'd reply:
Each person's experiences provide different insights into life :)

Next, if you ask, Annie, what catalyzed this change whereby
The follower within you, who'd anxiously settled for less
Mustered the courage to develop into an explorer, who
Chooses to freely embrace the unknown, I'd repy:
Twenty years ago, I had a life changing experience
Which compelled the settler in me to transform, over time
Into an explorer, who'd developed the courage to
Forge ahead upon path, unique to myself, without
Dismissing or dissing the needs of those I love, and
That story will appear upon your screen in due time

If upon seriously considering my reply, you think to ask:
Annie, what inspired your spirit to
Guide your mind to muster the courage to carve out
Such a self trusting path, I'd smile and say:
It's been my good fortune to have enjoyed
Yet another life changing experience
Which opened my mind to absorb insight into
Moments of pure joy, and in the aftermath of that experience
I've come to place a high value upon
Intuition's role in guiding my trains of thought toward
Considering change for the better, all around

You see, I've come to differentiate between
Those times when my spirit flies high, because
I feel utterly free to be true to me vs.
Those times when my spirit flags at half mast, because
my mindset denies me access to opening my heart
So freely as to embrace every possible opportunity
To fuel my spirit with a purist's sense of love
In short, I've come to see why resignation is not
A healthy place for your spirit or mine to dwell, over long …

Riddles:
If age has changed you from an explorer to a settler
Have you thought to ask why that may be true?

Or perhaps it's true that though once a settler
Experience has made a courageous explorer of you

On the other hand, how confounded (conflicted)
Might you feel if intuition urges you to
Carve a new path while an anxious mindset
Erects roadblocks more quickly than
Insightful trains of thought can
Guide you toward taking them down?

How often does the great divide inside
Our minds make us feel downright crazy????

See what happens when the human mind feels torn in two?
See why Mother Nature had the good sense to
Wire the human spirit to stand up and
Direct our think tanks to stare anxiety down, thus offering
Your whole mind and mine a chance to
Brainstorm, together, toward
Gaining an insightful perspective concerning
When it's best to work through inner conflict on one's own vs
When two heads may prove better than one … and
When that's the case, common sense suggests
The second head needs to know how to
Wiggle a mindset through a crack in a roadblock that
Keeps two smart brainiacs stuck inside a Catch 22, which
Prohibits both spirits from flying free of social constraint that
Misguidedly drums 'shoulds' into our minds until
An attitude of resignation shapes up inside our mind, which
Blinds our brains from
Creating simple plans that truly respect needs all around

Whew!  Nuff to chew on, today—more about
Explorers (leaders) and settlers (followers), tomorrow :)