478 WILLIAM FAULKNER WHISPERS INTO MY EAR

I’ve made mention of surgeries offering me lots of time to ponder over life, while reading toward recovery.  While recovering physically, much of what I chose to read helped me to recoup slices of self-esteem, which I’d no clue of having spliced away.

As I had reason to google William Faulkner, today, let’s consider words of wisdom uttered or penned by an author, whose thought process ran too deep for me to fathom when I was young:

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.

Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

The past is never dead. It's not even past.

Unless you're ashamed of yourself now and then, you're not honest.

We have to start teaching ourselves not to be afraid.

As writing memoirs requires reviewing the past, I picture myself as a teen sitting, resting my head against the wall behind my bed, working to master an English Lit homework assignment.  I remember feeling utterly stymied while reading THE SOUND AND THE FURY.  I remember not ‘getting’ stream of consciousness, at all.  I remember thinking that Faulkner and my teacher were nuts if they thought this stuff would ever make sense—to me.  I remember falling asleep, worried that I would not pass tomorrow’s quiz.

I don’t remember if I passed that test or not.

I do remember doing well, over all, in that class.

In retrospect, that class serves as a metaphor for life:

Life pours lots of information into our ears

Some we get.

Some we don’t

Some tests we pass; others we fail

Today, I thank Miss C. profoundly for working to guide me
Toward processing thoughts ever more deeply into my mind


Today, I thank Mother Nature
For gifting the human mind with the potential
To comprehend, today, that which had confounded us, yesterday


Today I stand in awe of classic insights, which shine the light of clarity
Over thought processes to which I'd once been blind 

*The trick to success is to learn who we failed and …

Why we failed, in hopes of
Passing more of life's tests than failing, repeatedly

*If the past remains with us forever

Then common sense suggests
That we review events from yesteryear
Which may have created attitudes that limit our thoughts, today
You see, wounds still festering from the past must be identified
Understood and accepted as part of each one's fate
Before we can heal ourselves and move past yesterday's pain

In most cases pain, left to fester deep inside the mind
Distracts our appreciation of living life to the fullest, today


If you agree that insight into history
Stops us from repeating failure, repeatedly
Then you may benefit from watching me work
To identify vulnerabilities I'd blindly denied


With time, I believe that you, too, shall see why
It's wise to work conscientiously
In hopes of coming to know both sides of oneself
In this way, we'll both strengthen classic vulnerabilities
Which had caused us to experience similar failures—again and again


Day after day, I write about denial for this reason:
*If we hope to be honest with ourselves about ourselves …

Then we must teach ourselves
To muster the courage to face this deeper truth :

Both sides of human nature live within and sneak out of us all

*If you hide from your true self

By stuffing the sound of your fury
Behind the defensive wall of your well groomed, angelic persona

Then—guess who you must fear most of all?
If you fear yourself, can you trust yourself?
If you can't trust yourself, how can you trust anyone else?


If you ask, "Annie, how can I learn
How much 'sound of fury' may be locked behind my defensive wall?"
Then I'll reply to your question with this riddle:

If the persona you take out in public is different from

The person who feels confused when you are home, alone

Then which of these two people is truly you?

And if you are not who you think you are, deep inside ...

Then who may be lying on the other side of the wall

Chained to the past, hoping to be discovered

And saved from this lonely existence, at long last?

Might the adult, you've grown to be

Rescue the vulnerabilities of a child too young

To process acts and deeds and words with the accuracy

That depends upon—depth?

Once you face the answer to that riddle
With your head on straight, here comes the next:

Which of the two of you grows stronger, year by year—

The angelic persona, who needs to be admired or

The person who musters the courage to
Compassionately place the persona aside ...

In hopes of identifying both sides of your traits?

If you consciously choose to identify
And heal from subconscious fury

Then you'll need to ask this question of yourself:
Which of my perceptions may be misperceptions
In need of serious reconsideration?


If you've read the posts entitled FIRST KISS
Then you may remember how misperception
Chained my spirit to a place in the past
That made me feel bad, for forty years
Forty years of wandering through a desert wasteland
Where my spirit had been dragged down ...
By a misperception, which I'd lugged around
As excess baggage—until insight cast a light upon
A deeper thought to which I'd been blind ever since
That busload of bullies
Pummeled my self esteem into a painful pulp


As my stories unfold and you watch me grow up
You'll see that which I had need to learn
Before I developed the depth to heal a hole in my heart

Whereby I came to feel as wholly myself as a new born babe


Story by story
You'll come to see why I seek the wisdom
To work at identifying specific reasons why
Yesterday's unhealed pain
Continued to darken or whitewash my views, today


As a really good friend (or a really good teacher)
Will not presume to tell you what to think
I seek out friends who do not fear suggesting
That I reconsider opinions
Which may be in serious need of revision

And as your friend ...
I invite the courageous side of your mind
To connect with the courageous side of mine
So that, by and by
We may identify misperceptions and overcome classic fears

Which divide loved ones into separate camps


I mean, as long as neither of us is a control freak—
Two heads are better than one!

And if, at this moment in time, you'd wish to ask:
"Annie, how can we work to overcome fear that we deny?"
I'd reply—

First, we'll consciously open our minds
Next, we'll reconsider age-old wisdom, whispered into our ears
Then, we'll work to identify vulnerabilities
Left unresolved during childhood, which may be
In need of transitioning toward adult strengths

And as we work toward developing into optimistic realists
We'll carve out courageous paths

Which lead toward personal success—
Without putting anyone down—including oneself


As I see myself as your friend not your foe
I want to hold your hand ... while we teach ourselves
Not to be afraid—of peeling away layers
Of the persona who blinds us from identifying
And accepting classic traits, which we deny harboring deep inside
As you watch me peel away at my persona
You'll see why I've learned to embrace

The classic nature of the human condition ...

Which, at times, causes us to feel frightened, insecure, disappointed
Disjointed, abandoned, dispirited, inflamed, jealous, lustful, resentful, angry
Zealous, superior, wrathful, condemning, judgmental, guilty, inferior, lonely and frustrated with our lack of tolerance and patience
As all of this natural
It's of vital importance to the good health of our spirits to figure out—why
Our sense of personal safety feels it necessary to hide those emotions from ourselves!

JAnnie
PS
News flash!
Just off the presses!
New book focuses upon carving positively focused channels
Of thought into our minds ...
GETTING PAST YOUR PAST by Dr. Francine Shapiro
A new book by Dr. Francine Shapiro offers techniques to help readers get beyond the trauma or setbacks caused by memories of their past ...