478 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!! Part 55

55
2002

Swinging ...
"I'm concerned about the plight of children throughout the world, because a child's sense of security depends upon the compassionate, long term care on the part of responsible adults.  When adult minds wander ever more deeply into confusion, children are led into mind mazes where disillusionment darkens by the day.  Presently, we're all in need of transitioning consciously toward positive change, because, at every age, both genders need free time, play time as well as personal-growth-time-on 'Walden Pond'.  At every stage of life we need to feel nourished by generosity of spirit.  We need to be led by compassionate leaders, who offer positively focused guidance.  We need to feel nurtured by tender, loving hugs.  We need to feel appreciated for work well done.  We need emotional security, financial security and hot moments in bed.
Before we can meet our needs, we need down time to reconsider self defeating ways in which we prioritize our energy and time.”

“Annie—are you saying that you plan to write about—sex?”

“Well, Mom, my story concerns every aspect of life.  And since every aspect of life thing is interconnected in one way or another, I'm going to show how a healthy sexual relationship feeds one vital aspect of human hunger just as oxygen or bread and water feed another.
I believe that the way most of us engage in sex does not equate with the art of making love.  I believe sex is just one aspect of human development that gets stuck during the adolescent stage of life.  And that's not good, because who is more egocentric than a teen?  Our passive aggressive attitudes concerning sexuality continue to be more mixed up and thus less healthy than we'd think.  I hear more men and women spouting passive aggressive barbs at their sexual partners than you might believe.  Mom, you’d be surprised at how many parents, today, cannot talk to their five year olds about sex without embarrassment.

If both genders continue to feel conflicted, concerning mixed messages that we’ve absorbed over the past sixty years then common sense suggests many of those mixed messages are absorbed by our kids, as well. Since many of those mixed messages concerning sexuality, I am planning to write about that.  When an adult feels free to discuss sexuality openly and unabashedly, a child's mind connects naturally to the fact that two consenting adults may enjoy a leisurely banquet, which satisfies the sensual hungers of both.  Rather than experiencing sensuality, I believe most couples experience the bread and water variety of sex, where there's grabbing, grasping, groping, grunting, clutching, pumping and coming (if you’re lucky) in a few minutes flat.

While writing about my quest to know myself in depth, I hope to connect with many more minds than those who've taken my classes.  My best teaching tool has always been the fact that I can place my ego aside and bare my misperceptions and mistakes which led to self defeat.  By using my life as an example of the ways in which self awareness leads toward positive change, I can demonstrate how denial blocks us from identifying subconscious fears, which narrow our views and limit the expanse of the paths we tend to choose.  For example:

The sexual revolution, as we know it, today, began during the early sixties, when Will and I were deep into our teens.  Reflection tells me that for many years he and I had no clue that we were like two exhausted salmon, lugging old values forward, while swimming upstream.

I guess you could say that our story resembles a Reader’s Digest condensation of a dream come true that turned into two people's worst nightmare, ever!  Or better yet—I’ve been writing a collection of Annie’s Notes—you know—like Cliff’s Notes—in that—rather than dissecting classic literature, I'm dissecting a classic analysis of love-gone-wrong.”

“Does that mean you think you have the answers, Annie.”

“Mmmm—Not answers, Mom.  Let's just say that after teaching parent/child communications for all these years, I became intrigued by classic issues that seem to arise at each stage of family life.  And having led problem-solving classes for over three decades, the analytical side of my brain has had reason to deepen.

As you may remember, a nationally renown marriage counselor once said, ‘Annie, if you can write the same way you talk, you should relate your story in a book.’  Every year, people in my classes say the same thing.  Knowing myself to attack any task, single mindedly, I knew better than to write our story while raising our kids.  However, I can devote the bulk of my time to that mind bending project, today.  On the other hand there is one problem, as I see it:  If I write the same way I talk, it's likely that I'll never finish all of the writing, editing, and rewriting while I’m still alive.”

Once Mom and I stop laughing, we spend the next few seconds swinging in silent reflection, side by side, until laughter bubbles up in me, again.  Tipping her head in my direction, curiosity covers Mom’s face as she asks, “What’s so funny, Annie?”

“I’m thinking of something Lauren said during a phone conversation.”

“And that would be?”

“She said, Annie, if you don’t finish writing your story sometime soon, you may be writing the best book that no one will ever read except for you!”

Mom chuckles and agrees.  “Lauren’s right about that.  Do you have any idea when you’ll be done?”

“Nope.  But when it is finished—I’ll be the first to know.  Actually, I’m thinking about changing the title from

STRIPPING SNOW WHITE

to

ANNIE’S IDIOPATHIC ENCYCLOPEDIC ANTHOLOGY OF LOVE

“What does idiopathic mean?”

“Idiopathic is a medical term that impressed me when I was a bride.  I’d sit on the floor in our unfurnished living room and test Will’s knowledge of medical lingo from note cards that he’d prepared during his third year of med school. Idiopathic means ‘of unknown origin.’ ”

Then, I recite the title aloud again—

“ANNIE'S IDIOPATHIC ENCYCLOPEDIC ANTHOLOGY OF LOVE”

—At this, the twinkle in Mom’s eyes matches mine when she asks, “Annie, is it okay if we stop talking for a while?”

“Sure,” I answer, sheepishly. “ Your head must feel as swollen as my tongue.  In fact my tongue is so tired, it just wants to lay down and go to sleep inside my mouth.”  Self depreciating humor makes us laugh, again.

Upon ending my explanation as to why I’m drawn to the computer to write about the ways in which positive focus empowers lasting love, Mom and I get off the swing.  I open the Arcadia door and follow my mother into my house.  As we walk, arm in arm, through my bright and airy kitchen, which leads into the dining room, which connects with the living room, which connects with the world, beyond, I think to myself—"Airing my thoughts often clarifies my understanding of whatever’s going on deep within my mind ...  I’ll have to find a place in the book, early on, to suggest the importance of taking note of unusual life events, which may cause the next stage of a child's development to swerve away from center ... for example:

A serious accident or lengthy illness in the family may unsettle an entire support system—thus throwing a child's sense of safety off balance.  A tragedy, such as divorce or death, may cause a child’s support system to collapse.  Any number of unexpected events may cause the impressionable mind of a quietly traumatized child to swerve away from that which would otherwise be considered a natural, well balanced, classic stage of development.

*As a small child, I appeared to comply with authority in a good natured manner in the aftermath of two traumatic deaths—Grandpa’s and Janet’s—however, the truth of the matter was this:  I’d followed authority—fearfully—rather than naturally.  In retrospect I’d felt so conflicted about my role in the family that my weak spot (eczema) flared, causing me to scratch my skin raw each time a negative emotion arose.  *As it had been my habit to expose an exuberant smile while stuffing any negative emotion, which might disturb our household's sense of peace, a massive boulder of molten emotion collected behind my defensive wall of denial—and over time, no one believed—my good-as-gold-ready-to-please-easy-to-love-little-girl’s-sparkling persona—more than me.

If you ask, ‘Annie, what caused you to choose the fork in the road where the cock-eyed optimism of a pleaser wore the good-natured, bright smile of complacency rather than turning toward a path where you'd feel free to look down in the mouth and tantrum toward negatively focused, resentful rebellion?'  I’d be inclined to say …

 I was afraid to be bad.  Why?  The answer to that question will emerge in a story down the road.

I was also afraid to embrace the classic nature of both sides of the human condition as it truly exists within us all.

*I did not like myself when I'd felt frightened, insecure, disappointed, disjointed, abandoned, dispirited, inflamed, jealous, lustful, resentful, angry, zealous, superior, wrathful, condemning, judgmental, guilty, inferior, lonely or frustrated with my own loss of patience or lack of tolerance.  I needed to feel like a good, strong, smart, independent, compassionate, successful girl—or else I felt like—nothing.  As a good girl, my persona had to be consumed within the fires of fury before I could consciously allow anger to emerge.

*As negative and positive reactions are natural to the well balanced human condition it proved vital to the good health of my spirit to figure out why my sense of self worth and personal safety relied upon hiding negative emotions from myself ...

Why did I develop the need to hide any hint of fear or negativity behind a good-as-gold-easy-to-please persona—which had layered up over the years?

If asked:  "Annie, what catalyzed your need to extinguish negative emotion?  I'd reply:  Insecurity.  As I was afraid to rock anyone's boat, I guess you could say I was afraid of—a tidal wave of emotion that might splash back at me thus—drowning—my sense of well being ... 

Even today, I never know what I'm thinking deep inside until I read what I've written on it. (Thank you for that insight, Wm.Faulkner.)
PS
Hmmm—just grew aware of the fact that most of my posts stem from stream of consciousness—and that makes me wonder if I'd find Faulkner less difficult to master, today?