Thursday, May 31, 2012

487 WHERE LIES THE KEY TO A SECRET WITHIN ONESELF?

Is it growing apparent
That I write about Denialand
In hopes of securing a key to locked doors within my subconscious
Where secrets, that I keep from myself
Which had been too painful to confront as a child—
Continue to whisper of their ghostlike presence, today?

If asked how I know this to be true, I'd reply:
I've developed a degree of self awareness necessary to sense
Those times when my conscious mind
Is poking at my memory bank
In hopes that a secret door will unlock and free
Portions of peace of mind, lost, long ago ...

As that, my friends is The Truth ...
My posts suggest a classic need
For each of us to recognize this duet of facts:
Varying degrees of self awareness lead toward or away from self trust
And
Experience offer reasons why we trust one friendship rather than another
As both statements speak Truth, plain and simple
I wonder if thee can identify
When and with whom thee proves to be
An insecure, back stabbing 'friend'?
A kind and thoughtful friend?
A truly sensitive friend?

Whereas an insecure friend
May need to level the playing field
By 'putting you down'
A thoughtful friend attempts to do good deeds in general
And then there's the sensitive friend, who knows you so attentively
As to identify the changing nature of your  needs

Today, when asked to define friendship
I limit my answer
To doors numbsered two and three
For this reason:
Any 'friend' who harbors an insecure need to put me down
Is a frenemy
And to my way of thinking
A frenemy is no friend at all
As my friends have my back
Back stabbing frenemies need not call

Now that I've spent time diving into Walden Pond
In hopes of befriending myself as a whole
My knowledge of friendship has deepened in many ways.

Though my heartfelt compassion
For the-needy-in-denial proves to live and breathe
My compassion doth not extend
To meet the needs of the needy to the point of
Exhausting my voice or my spirit, today

If you deafen yourself
To how and when you put me down
If you need to blind yourself to my strengths
Then watch me step farther back ...
Than I'd ever thought possible
Until this insight brightened my mind:

Whereas yesteryear, my quest had focused upon
Repairing any friendship, which had cooled
Today my quest focuses upon mustering inner strengths necessary
To identify traits that combine to make each of us whole
And while absorbing insights, which retrain my mind
Guess who has been developing into a more sensitive friend?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Sunday, May 27, 2012

485 WHY DO SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIPS DEAD END?


When much that you'd believed to be true
Turns upside down
And a vital aspect of your life
Grows too confounding to comprehend

It’s time to turn your mind into a time machine
Which travels back into yesteryear
In hopes of withdrawing painfully suppressed details
From your memory bank

Did you know that your memory bank
Is divided into three parts?
Whereas conscious memories may be retrieved intact
Subconscious memories are forgot

And …
That leaves door number three …
Behind door number three you'll find
Memories revised by your ego—to save face

While you and I travel back and forth
Along the time line of my life
We’ll continue to connect the dots
Until bigger pictures clarify

And with clarity, we’ll continue to see
Which of my perceptions had been on target
And which I’d mistakenly believed to be true
Until misperception and fact parted ways

If asked why Mother Nature divides
Our memory banks into three compartments
I’d say—In truth—
That question needs deeper consideration

As for now suffice to say
That Mother Nature distorts some memories
While storing others beyond conscious recall
When THE TRUTH proves too painful to confront with accuracy

Let's say tragedy had once struck your family so hard
That for reasons, which remained too complex to process
Care-taking roles in your home reversed
But no one perceived that to be true—especially you

Let's say that at an early age
You'd acquired a care-giving sense of responsibility
For any spirit, suffering
A *multi-dimensional, irretrievable loss
(These stories have yet to be told.)
  
Let's say if one acquires an instinct
To help all in dire need of sustenance
Then a person, who adopts a 'Prince/Princess Charming' personality trait
May feel magnetically pulled toward saving anyone in distress

Let's say that life feels copasetic (in excellent order)
To both Generous Giver and Needy Receiver
As long as the energy source of The Giver
Doth not drain dry

When one, who has developed a habit-ual need to give
Connects with one in dire need of sustenance
The symbiotic nature of opposites attracting
Will continue to thrive—only as long as ...

The pitcher
And half empty cup
Doth not empty out
Simultaneously

Each time a symbiotic relationship shapes up
The energy source, sustaining the good health
Of both spirits, must feel mutually enriching
For this reason:

Over a lifetime
Changes are bound to cycle round
Which is why the-give-and-take nature of a healthy relationship
Develops a sense for when a friend has need to pass the baton and rest up

Why? Because for countless reasons
Even the strongest amongst us
Experience overwhelming bouts of vulnerability
From time to time

If the spirit of the runner
Cannot find a rejuvenating energy source to plug into
Then the symbiotic nature of this relationship
Is bound to crash

Why?  Because:
Symbiotic relationships between humans
Are not meant to thrive on one-way streets—Indefinitely
Sustainable human relationships depend upon cycles

If the receiving spirit springs a leak
Thus growing ever more needy
The life force of the runner may be strained, over long
Unless—the runner's mindset opens to necessary—change

In short the runner's thought processor
Must plug into knowledge concerning self-awareness
So that, upon absorbing insight into self-nourishment
Its life force (spirit) doth not run until the pilot light burns out

And thus, a time may come when giver and receiver
Must exist in separate lanes until each learns how
To self-nurture
Rather than feeding off the needs of each other

With experience, I've come to see that change for the better
May depend upon depleting the energy source of both sides
In this way, both may be forced to grow self-aware
So as not to smother one's own needs beneath another’s

You see, if neither has a clue
Of that which has been in need of change
Then each one's sense of independence
May dwell in Denialand, over long

In short, both giver and receiver
Must trade Denialand for Self-awareness
Or their symbiotic relationship may be doomed
To crash into a dead end once Reality hits, down the road

If one leaves Denialand in the past
And one does not then this friendship may limp along
However, if one blames the other for on-going pain
Then the copacetic nature of their love will wain

If asked:
How doth Wiki define
Three types of symbiotic relationships?
I'd reply:

Mutualism
Both organisms benefit.
(Experience suggests mother and babe)
 

Commensalism
One organism benefits, and the other is not affected in any manner.
(If both remain unaware (blind and deaf) to the fact that unmet needs and numbed emotions are causing the giver to experience subconscious pain, which increases, year after year—it’s only a matter of time before the relationship's copacetic persona will come undone, causing separation to be inevitable.  If, in hopes of foregoing separation, the giver grows aware and speaks up while the receiver remains in blind denial, whomsoever remains caught in denial's web will feel shocked, confused and betrayed.)

Parasitism-One organism benefits the other is harmed.
(The needs of the blind receiver grow so overwhelming as to smother the high-spirited energy source of the newly sighted giver.)

Once this knowledge has been absorbed, it’s plain to see that
One adult cannot be
The sole energy provider
Of another—indefinitely, unless ...

Both agree
To morph into lichen
Which are designed to grow symbiotically—
Resulting in a composite organism.

I don't know about you
But instinct suggests
That to be an unworkable plan for one like me
Who sets a high value on individuality

As an adult, Annie will reap many rewards
From breathing life into the downcast spirits of others …
And thus will this trait prevail in mutually enriching ways …
For a finite number of years

If it be better to give than receive
Then why might I have clarified
'Breathing life into others
For a finite number of years'?

As change is the only constant in life
Misunderstandings take place
Which darken misperceptions until the purity and simplicity
Of love and friendship twist into defensive, murky, tight little knots

As the murky nature of subconscious insecurity
Casts subconscious webs
Open, honest communications transforms into
Innuendo zinging back and forth until ...

A stew of mixed messages offers up bitter herbs
Flowing with negatively focused comments such as:
'Lack of loyalty’
Unloving selfishness’ and ‘emotional fragility'

Thank goodness
My time on Walden Pond has been well spent
Thank goodness I've worked to understand
The nature of each barrage of undeserved guilt trips ...

Thank goodness
I've chosen to tunnel my way out of the murky maze
So that my intelligence felt free to work productively
At deflecting covert insults while absorbing insights

Thank goodness I chose to work to understand why
The subconscious neediness of the insecure
Develops a need to criticize conscientious fact seekers
Each time painful truths come under discussion

Thank goodness I'd worked to understand ...
Defensive ways in which—
Insecure egos revise painful memories
By leaping presto-chango into Denialand

Eventually, as clarity blew defensive smokescreens away
I developed the insight to stay clear of any conflict
Which, upon discussion
Gave me reason to question my sanity—repeatedly!

As I work to unpack my baggage
The unprocessed baggage of others clarifies ...
And guess what happens
When baggage crashes into baggage?

When processed baggage
Crashes into subconscious (unprocessed) baggage
(And we all cart around baggage)
Tension crackles through the air

What kind of tension?
Power struggling tension—
Which drags relationships
Into muddied pits of doom and gloom

Having had sound reason to study the role of denial
I'm grateful for having developed the ability
To refocus my mind toward learning how and why
Defensive reactions force friendships to crash into dead ends

Though it often feels scary to identify symbiotic relationships
A well-balanced friendship cannot sustain
The weight of traveling on a one-way street, forever
With no baton in sight

Therefore common sense suggests
The wisdom of developing healthy friendships
By consciously growing aware of when to offer
Generous dollops of heart-felt compassion and support

As future stories unfold
I believe you may come to agree
That the need for every human spirit to refuel
Is not a new concept at all …

And since each person's spirit is in need of refueling
Every reminder that I choose to write—
To rebalance my spirit in the aftermath of loss
Remains classic, universal, timeless and—priceless

For example, if you and I fail to identify
Our mutual need to disseminate
Skillful communications throughout the world …
Then …

Won’t we quietly give
Some needy, power-hungry nation
Permission to blow up the foundation
Of peaceful co-existence upon which all life depends?

On the other hand, if we work, together
In support of a grass roots movement
Then we may ensure the good health of our world
And thus do I continue to request your support …

In spreading word of my ‘communications’ blog
With others—
Most especially with family and friends
Whom you’d like to keep close at hand …

Gosh!
How fitting it is that this post
Concerning the enrichment
Of 'peaceful coexistence'
In home after home—nation by nation ...

Is being written on the day preceding
MEMORIAL DAY!!!
Which, by the way
Is proving to be the best Sunday, ever!

Why?
In truth, earlier today, I was in heaven, eating my way
From one sample station at Costco to another
As to why that constituted heaven for me?

Well—today, every sample station offered up
BBQ goodies—galore
In fact, I'll bet it's not too late to head back
To hog heaven for more!

Uh, on second thought
My high school reunion is coming up—
I've gained back those five pounds—Drats!
So, my first thought's not my best thought—again!

Guess I'll make good use of my noodle ...
Take in a movie
And devour popcorn instead
JLater, Annie

PS In truth
I still call Costco
The Price Club
Why?  Old habits die hard

Since acquired traits are habits
It's hard for a world-class pleaser
Of either gender to free one’s sense of peace
From an endless barrage of undeserved guilt trips …

And speaking from personal experience
It is most definitely difficult to free myself
From my unconscious mindsets when
Subconscious neediness of loved ones keeps raining down

Therefore, each time I feel a magnetic pull
To 'save' a dispirited loved one
From diving ever more deeply into—Denialand
Here is what I choose to do—today:

I reread old posts for this reason:
It takes practice to refocus my mind—less upon their distress—
And more toward reviving my spirit, so that I'll not mask my pain
By diving into Denialand as had been my habit in the past

As you may have surmised
I've had reason, over the past few weeks
To work at discarding my persona's mask of denial
In hopes of confronting my pain following a most recent loss

And having revealed
The depth of my pain to—me 
It's time to hook up with my trusted friends
And sign off for today with a hearty—

High Ho Silver—away—off to 'Men In Black 3' we go!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

484 AN ADDITION TO POST 479

Upon rereading Post 479, yet again
These insights, absorbed while
Opening my mind to the spirits of sages
Popped out of my memory bank:

Let it be written
That with each gain
There will be loss
For example:
Upon winning my freedom
To express my needs
Openly, self assuredly
And yet clearly compassionately—
Rather than subserviently—
As as I'd worked tirelessly
To comprehend the main source of conflict
What was there to lose?
A lot!
You see
The defensive walls of others
Made trampolines of their ears
And as indignant personas
Remain blind to imbalances
Which cause relationships to fail
Trust was lost—little by little—all around
And as loss accompanies gain
It proves wise to ascertain
Whether that which is gained—
Freedom to be true to oneself—
Is worth that which is lost—
That being ... attitudes of servitude
Which, when mistaken for love
Tend to be heavily weighted
When placed on the popularity scale
That supports our belief in this myth:
To be utterly selfless enriches your life
HA!
Remember, my friends—
Myths have been known to trounce upon
Deeper truths, such as:
Balance in all things
Each time 'balance in all things'
Takes precedence over myth within my mind
I am able to differentiate truth from fiction
And as I come to understand
The frequency with which
Mixed-messaged myths mess with our minds
I think of the simplicity with which
Sages blow smokescreens of confusion away
In hopes of maintaining peace of mind
For example:
Had Confucius been a gambling man
Who'd happened to pop in for a spot of tea, today
Here is what the spirit of this sage might
Whisper into open ears, eager to absorb
Wisdom passed forward
From one open mind to the next:
Confucius say: Why gamble with confusion
When clarity provides a sense of winning, all around
And thus, the more I learn about the grievous means
By which minds filled with confusion disseminate
Thoughts, darkened by insecurity's misperceptions
Misunderstandings, in-sensitivities
Misinformation and total ignorance of the truth
The more I can see why sages applaud simplicity
And now that I've worked for years
To blow smoke screens of defensiveness
Out of my mind
I've come to see the need
To tell stories, describing
The 'right of passage'
Which conveys each nubile relationship
From a place of latent insecurity
Toward a place of mutual fulfillment
Once a couple gains a wholly conscious sense of
Emotional maturity that enriches both unique individuals
Uh—then again—please do not be fooled
Into believing that this sense of fulfilling enrichment
Occurs at least half of the time
Because we've yet to factor in
The pitfalls of complacency
Which serve to keep countless relationships
Stuck in a stalemate of a rut
Where unmet needs remain numb to pain
Until such time as Fate knocks at the door
And leaves an unmarked package
Concealing a time bomb tick-tick-ticking
Till peace of mind blows all who care
To kingdom-come
And while some, overcome by bitterness, scar down
A phoenix may rise from the ashes—
Scratching the ruffled feathers on her head
While her need to quest toward clarity
Turns this question round and round
Inside the acutely inquisitive, solution seeking
Side of her mind:
WHAT IN THE WORLD EMPOWERED THAT BAT TO FLY OUT OF HELL
THUS SCARING COMPLACENT ATTITUDES CLEAR OUT OF OUR MINDS?
And having said that you may see why today's train of thought suggests pondering this:
Let it be written
That with every hard won personal gain
A painful sense of deeper truth
Must be courageously confronted, all around
Or
The defensive nature of the faint-hearted ego's
Fear of inevitable change
Will continue to feed it's need
To find some brave soul to—put down ...
HA!  To 'put down'—as in ...
Revere me as a saint or let it be known that you are as good as a dead dog to me!
(You know, as in 'putting down' a dog ...)
And if asked:
Annie, how doth thee replace myth with deeper truth?
I'd reply: 
Let it be written
That Post 484 serves
As an addendum to Post 479
You see, at first I'd thought to slide
These insights into Post 479
However, here is what induced me
To reconsider changing my mind:
*My first thought's not always my best thought
Thus upon second thought
I figured that post 479
Had already grown over long
And as mindful reconsideration leads toward revelation
I've consciously chosen to imprint this insight
Right here, where it has a better chance
Of being more sensibly absorbed within the center spot light
Of your mind—and mine
And as the rustlings of loved ones awakening
Are beginning to tickle my ears thus catalyzing my spirit to smile—
Tis time to balance work with play, and so that's it for today!

With thoughts of you consciously planning
To make the most of your Memorial Day weekend...
:-)I hope to remain your true friend,
Annie

Friday, May 25, 2012

483 RECONSIDERING POST 479

In case you're interested
Today, I had reason to reconsider
Clarify and thus rewrite post 479
While re-writing a call came in
One of my adult 'kids' is coming to town
One is traveling with friends
One is planning a BBQ for friends
My spirit smiles to be counted as a close friend
Life heals the spirit in loving ways ...
No time to expound upon
The virtues of clarity, trust, friendship and fun, today!
Wishing you a great Memorial Day weekend, ahead...
:-)Annie

Thursday, May 24, 2012

482 WHY PROCESS THAT WHICH 'SEEMS' UNRELATED?

Do you remember a few weeks back
When I said our family had experienced a serious loss?
Well, over these past several weeks
My mind has clearly (?) been functioning in a scattered state
While working to comprehend why
One plus one plus one did not add up to three

While working—subconsciously—to comprehend
This whirlwind that caused life to turn upside down
Creative thought processing does not come easy
And since this state of inner turbulence
Is still rushing around, deep within
I've not felt like story-telling for a while

As I know better than to force creativity
My mind has turned toward
Rereading older posts
In hopes of reabsorbing insights
Which had served to settle my mind
During yesteryear's trying times

As usual
Whenever I reread
That which I've written
The editing process starts up in my brain
So rather than creating new posts
I've been editing those penned in the past

Hopefully, insight into family history
May jump start subconscious wheels
To spin within the detective side of my mind
And with time
As I process my way toward comprehending
The main reason why
Fate tossed this current live fire cracker into our laps
My mind may settle in a peaceful place, once again

Once peace of mind is mine
The creative side of my story will move forward
As though all on its own ...
And if asked how I know that to be true
I'd say say, I don't know it, I sense it ...

And so until the scattered nature
Of my mind works to settle itself down
Here is why
I hope you'll have patience
With whatever my brain
'Feels' the need to expose:

I think it is safe to surmise that just as insights
Transformed confusion into clarity
In posts penned in the past
We can expect a swarm of insights to pop out
Of my head—one by one
Which may serve to get us from point A to B
Some time soon

And if you ask
Annie
How do you know
That to be true
I'd reply
I just feel it in my gut

Each time I feel instinct speaking to me, like right now
It's as if the voice of some sage is suggesting that
Thoughts, which seem disjointed, today
May be just what the scattered nature
Of my mind needs to consider
Before the healing balm of clarity can soothe confusion away

It's probable that during these weeks following
This most recent, unexpected, irretrievable loss
My subconscious mind has been so busy, stripping denial away
That my conscious mind has been unable to function at full speed
And thus, once subconsciously suppressed emotion emerges
Permitting me to feel the depth of my pain, inner peace will prevail

Hmmm ... guess what just popped out of my mind?
An insight offered up, years ago, by Dr. David Schnarch:
Annie—you have all the data, necessary
To make sense out of painful nonsense—
Once you figure out how these disjointed pieces fit together
A bigger picture will appear—as never before

You see, once subconscious turbulence
Has been clearly identified and understood
Mental irritation, catalyzed by a relentless state of confusion
Is soothed
And once both sides of the mind feel reconnected
The calming balm of inner peace resumes

Once balance has been restored
Between one's conscious and subconscious states of mind
The sour taste
Of yesterday's unprocessed memory
Is replaced
By the state of today's newly processed awareness

Each time mental irritation works to re-stabilize
Both sides of my mind
A sweet sense of logic buoys my belief
That tomorrow will offer the sense of fulfillment
Which had been unexpectedly dashed against the rocks, recently
And when mental clarity resumes, my creative juices will flow, anew

Though my mind is still stirring
With that sour taste of confusion, today
I believe that with time, we'll have reason to witness
Dashed hopes morph into a sweet sense of clarity
Concerning the classic way that an unnamed fear
Catalyzed yet another deeply valued relationship to crack in half

Once this sense of clarity is mine
I feel confident that subconscious irritation will wain
And the door to the storytelling side of my mind
Will open as naturally
As my heart pumps energizing oxygen
Throughout my body

In the meantime—
Only my shadow-self knows
When the next story will pop up on your screen ...
Oh yes, one more thing:
FYI Dr. David Schnarch
Authored PASSIONATE MARRIAGE

Your friend, Annie



Monday, May 21, 2012

481 MY LIFE, MY FAMILY … YOUR LIFE, YOUR FAMILY


(Today’s post was written with every family in mind ...)

As with books, blogs are written
With different purposes in mind

Some entertain the reader (and writer)

Some offer information

And if good use is made of wit

An author may enrich our minds
By combining both

Though I'd planned to write instructive stories

In an entertaining manner

My plan changed in surprising ways

Because—just as with life—

That which I'd not expected to evolve—did

And many posts seem to pop out of my mind
As though all on their own

Upon reflecting over
My blogging experience, thus far
I’ve come to see, once again, why

This expression rings true, repeatedly:
Man plans and God laughs
You see, as life moves forward
We entertain the notion

That we know what we're seeing ...

What we're doing

What we're feeling
 and
Where we and our loved ones are going—next
When, in truth, we are
Often surprised
To find our assumptions
Crashing into invisible walls...

Which separate conscious awareness from
Subconscious fears that we hide from ourselves

As long as our minds focus upon
The little that can be seen
 on the surface of life

We'll be blind to the existence of defensive walls
Which separate the conscious side of our minds
From the subconscious side where
Emotional traffic jams blur our sense of clarity
Until life, as a whole, makes little sense at all

As long as defensive walls block conscious awareness
From identifying emotional complexities
Buried deep within the subconscious side of our minds
We'll not detect the ways in which
Defense mechanisms separate our honest emotions
From the ‘lies’ that we unknowingly tell ourselves ...
In order to create a false sense of emotional security

As long as the persona
Which we 'wear' to fend off unnamed fears
Believes in a passel of partial truths
We'll have no clue as to how often self-conceived falsehoods
Cause our perceptions to shift away from center in this way:
We remember ‘this’ while forgetting ‘that’
And once we've reshaped history within our memory banks
It's easy to believe that our
White washed or darkly colored misperceptions
Are as pure as the driven snow—

A long as our subconscious insecurities
Remain hidden behind the persona ...
In subconscious pockets of our minds
We'll not sense those times when defensive walls
Block all sense of conscious awareness
Concerning unpleasant truths that we're too scared to confront

If more of us choose to understand
The contradicting functions of the human brain
Which transform clarity of thought
Into confusion that makes little sense
Then we may stop feeling the need to
Kill the messenger
Who stands up in hopes of confronting
 Closed mind sets ...
Holding Socrates’ suggestion in hand:
KNOW THYSELF

You see, it is the job of the persona to shield
The conscious mind of a traumatized child from terrors
Which Mother Nature had tucked away behind the persona
In this way doth Mother Nature provide
The deeply wounded portion of an innocent mind
With safe passage in the aftermath of tragedy
So that the rest of the mind can function, day to day


On the other hand
If our personas have reason to layer up
As childhood advances forward
The memory bank tends to believe that every fabrication
We'd once needed to invent—in order to feel safe—
Is true—through and through

Each time we discuss self fabricated rationalizations
Which we assume to be made up of facts ...
The impressionable ears of our listeners presume
That we know of what we speak—
And as we entice people to align with our thoughts
The more certain we become that the fabrications
 Upon which our persona's false sense of personal safety—
Depends—are true blue
And that is why these classic words penned by the bard
Continue to ring true to this day:
ALAS—What tangled webs we mortals weave

As long as our defense systems' stubborn streaks
Blind us to our need to run away from unnamed fears
Buried deep within subconscious pockets of our minds
Adults will not comprehend the need
To reflect over emotional complexities
With a greater sense of knowledge than ever before
And as long as closed mindsets
Refuse to reconsider assumptions
Leading to false judgements
The narrow minded fend off personal growth

By the way …
Do you know why 'knowledge is power'?
Because knowledge empowers us
To know ourselves
Not as we assume ourselves to be—
But rather as we truly are
Deep inside—where subconscious fear
Plays hide and seek with intelligent minds


Ass we come to know more about
Our own negatively focused traits
Which direct fearful trains of thought
To swerve off track in order to hide
Truths too painful to expose from
one's own sense of conscious awareness
We come to know more about
The traits others hide behind their personas, too


And the more we understand
About the self defeating ways in which
Families and friends interact
The less crazy family life
And relationships in general ...
Throughout the world as a whole tend to be

 I often wonder how long
The spirits of sages will need to
Whisper words of wisdom into
The ears of succeeding generations
Before the 'moral' majority
Thinks to relate insights into life—
Which we see, hear, read about
And watch at the movies—
To the same-old frustrations that we
Fail to comprehend and mend
Concerning our own lives
Day after day—year after year?

As long as we fail to see how frequently
We fabricate half truths, here and there
We'll fail to slam on the brakes fast enough
To stop our misperceived judgments
From driving another deeply valued relationship into
One of our own defensive walls of denial

As long as we have no conscious awareness of
Fears, hiding behind our many-layered personas
We'll not be able to confront deeper truths
Which had confounded our minds
When life had overwhelmed our
Undeveloped sense of logic
During childhood

Though the light side of imagination
Serves to delight us during playtime
Imagination proves to be our greatest foil
When conflict resolution
Is the name of the game

If we have no conscious awareness
Of when our persona's bravado
Is doing our thinking
Listening and speaking
Then we'll remain blind to the true state of
Our own fractured sense of personal security—indefinitely

As long as defensive walls
Remain stubbornly invisible
A person's mental block against
Childhood terrors will freeze the mindsets
Of an adult within that traumatized state of being ...
Where self-fabricated falsehoods
Lead our thought processors into mind mazes
So far off target ...
That heartfelt goals remain out of reach


Empowered with the knowledge
Presented within books and blogs

We can enrich our minds and lives ...
And thus, empowered by insight
Which accompanies knowledge

I’d planned to show you, story by story

How, when, and why
I’d lost sight of my potential to develop

Specific inner strengths

In the aftermath of my sister Janet's death


Ever since I began to absorb knowledge
Concerning the interactive functions
Of the human brain
I've empowered myself to
Make good use of my mind as a whole—
And since change
Is the only constant in life
I continue to work, consciously, to pinpoint
The main sources of emotional confusion
Which may continue to cause vital aspects of
My personal or professional life
To turn upside down
As the sun sets on one day
When all seems peaceful and well
Only to rise in the morning
To learn that all that I'd perceived to be well
Is not all there is to know ... 

Today, I’ve come to view confusion as a signal
Sent by the brain, transmitting a message
Which suggests my need to reconsider
Whether or not an unresolved childhood fear
Has had reason to stir within
A pocket of my mind in such a dysfunctional way
As to cause me to believe that some aspect of my life
Is churning in an upside down state, today


Once I understand which aspect of my life
Has been churning upside down
For too long
I ask myself to reconsider anything
That may have changed
Which makes today feel insecure inside
When, before this change, I'd felt peaceful, before


I wonder if you can name
The culprit
Who has had the power
To upend my sense of inner peace
In the past?
The name of of this character trait
That devils my sense of security
Is none other than Distrust
In terms of:
Who can I trust
When I can't trust my conscious awareness
To trust that I know what's actually going on?


As life offers me reason to confront questions
Concerning TRUST, repeatedly
I can offer the answer that satisfies my curiosity
Most often:
I've come to place my trust
In my brain's subconscious ability to mull over
Puzzling events, which I cannot yet fathom
Until my mind as a whole grows so pregnant
With need for clarity
That my subconscious gives birth
To some classic insight
Concerning emotional complexities
Which had confound my sense of security
When I was a kid


Once the main root of the complexity
That injured my sense of self trust during childhood
Emerges as simply and clearly as you please
The irritation churning within my mind relaxes
On the other hand ... need I state that
The astute nature of that kind of processing
Doth not come without hunkering down
On Walden Pond?


You see, having reached this point in my life
I've worked to absorb the the necessary tools
To mine my mind for knowledge
That has been stored in the files
Of my memory bank
And thus, when sadness, anger or confusion persists, over long
This awareness dawns:
The time is ripe to turn my adult brain
Inside out
In hopes of ferreting out a tool
That may excavate a subconscious fear
Left unprocessed from childhood
Which is, once again, lumbering around
Wrecking havoc with The Days of My Life
By haunting my sense of inner peace

And so, as I blog along, from day to day
Sometimes you shall see
Stories, riddles, commentary or a taste test of all
Popping up on your screen—
Why?
Because my blog simulates the step-by-step process
That entices my mind to examine confusion
Until clarity is mine


And thus do I ask you to muster the patience
Until such time as I feel a natural inclination
To describe this series of mind bending tools

Which provides me with the clarity

To tune into  fearsome vulnerabilities
That narrow my mind sets
Thus causing certain inner strengths
To remain half baked
As as you watch me
Confront fully baked strengths
Half baked strengths and full blown vulnerabilities
You, too, may more easily develop
A deeper sense of clarity
 into
Both sides of human nature
Which exist within us all

 
If you muster the patience
To watch me continue to work at

Exhuming subconscious fears
Whlle I work at rewiring
Traumatized portions of my mind—

Which had caused me to self-defeat—
Unknowingly, repeatedly
Then post by post
We'll see what pops out of my thought processor
While we're trekking back and forth across the time line ...
Visiting specific experiences
Which had caused certain stages of my development
To flash-freeze in time

You see, by continuing to collect bread crumbs—

As well as insights, we can explore
A series of disjointed and yet interrelated experiences

Which caused certain aspects of
My emotional development to petrify
When the dark side of imagination
Played tricks on my mind
During those halcyon days of childhood

Hopefully, while riding sidekick next to me
You, too, may come to see
 why I say it is possible

To have one’s cake and eat it too!

On the other hand, if you feel the need
To ask skeptically:

Annie—now really!—how can that be?

Then I’ll reply:


As you watch me

Continue to reprocess, redigest and reabsorb
Misperceptions
, which had caused
Many of my conscious decisions

To smash into subconscious fears—

Then you, like me, may choose to re-explore
Your early life experiences
In such a way as to identify and neutralize
Your unnamed fears, as well

And with that plan in mind
My blog may provide a vehicle
In which folks, the world over, may choose
To munch over this and that
While deciding whether or not
It makes sense to match up your inner life with your outer life
With this hope in mind:
As we develop a mindful sense of conscious awareness
The common good of one and all may be served, as never before

And thus do I show up
Day after day
Hoping to entice the minds of friends
I've yet to meet
To tune into those areas
Where your inner life and outer life may not yet match


It is my fervent hope that, with time
Many minds may digest this nourishing fact:

Each time we muster the courage to break down
Another layer of our personas' defensive walls
We'll grow able to know the sum of our traits—
As a whole
And as we look at both sides of human nature
In terms of oneself
We may build strong relationships
With those whom we love but can not abide
As long as conflicts are shoved under the rug

Once we come to know ourselves well enough to
Comprehend childhood insecurities, unhealed pain
Glaring vulnerabilities and half baked strengths
Our unnamed anxieties will wain
Thus ensuring that peace of mind will not
Feel like grinding it’s teeth while listening
To others misperceive this or that about you or me


Rather than burning with anger or shame
Thus frying logical thought to a crisp
You'll watch me retrain my thought processor
To cool down
Think deep
And answer with the power of knowledge
That comes from knowing oneself



If at this time you'd like to ask:
Annie, are you suggesting that upon matching
One's inner and outer lives
We may embrace the opportunity
To have our cake and eat it too?

Then I'd reply:

Well my friends

Here is all I can say, conclusively, at this time
If you muster the patience to stick with me

Then together, we shall see

How miraculous changes tend to enrich relationships
Which had once been hanging from the edge of cliffs


However in order to do that statement justice
I need to show you how defensive walls go up
How personas layer up and
How narrow mind sets crack relationships in half
Before I can show you those tools with which
I dismantled Denial's walls
Whenever my conscious awareness
Got a signal from my brain
That stated:
Annie, get ready to blow your horn
Because it's time for another Wall of Jerico
To come tumbling down

Each time another subconscious wall comes down
Nothing impedes my inner life and outer life
From thinking, listening, speaking reacting
And problem solving
Like a wholly calm, human being
And thus, at those times
When puzzles turn into bigger pictures that make sense
I fully appreciate the fact that I am me—and
Perhaps, once the grass stops looking greener
On the other side of the fence
That is when we’ll have our cake and eat it, too

Whereas divided from our inner strengths
We fail ourselves and our loved ones, too
United we succeed by transforming
Idealistic pipe dreams
(as in FIRST KISS)
Into realistic and thus attainable goals
Once we develop conscious awareness into
Truly taking both sides into mindful consideration

And now, if you ask:

Annie, how can you surmise
That insight into life
Which proves true for you may prove true for me?
I'd reply:
  Instinct empowers me to suggest that
With patience, classic insight into answers, concerning
The complexities of love and life

Will emerge,  my friends, one post at a time


And though I'm no
Socrates or Shakespeare
By any means
I know how to read
And I know how to write
And by reading and writing
I can make use of the internet to
Spread that which I learn from the sages
Throughout the world
One post at a time

As to why I believe insights
Which have yet to appear in my blog
Will allow us to enjoy our cake and eat it too ...
Well
 I've literally made it my business
To collect classic insights
Which brighten both sides of my mind …

Like fireflies lighting up the darkest days of my life

And as classic insights prove to be
Timeless and universal
Common sense suggests that, day by day
You, too, may come see your way toward
Carving a path of your own

Where your haunting fears may be relieved
And once your mind is free of unnerving insecurites
You may see your way clear to retrieving innate, self-nourishing
Inner strengths, along with me

As for now

I'll wind down for today

With this last interrelated train of thought:

I do not write with hopes of applause
Why not?

Because every morsel of clarity that glean
During my writing, rereading and rewriting process
Continues to provide
More than enough reward for me



You see, by way of clarifying complex thoughts
Day after day

I come to know what takes place deep inside my mind
More simply, completely and thus more enrichingly

Than I did the day before

Therefore rather than writing to 'impress'

My goal remains focused upon
Reaching within for the courage and humility

To live my life in such a way as to feel graced
By a greater sense of inner peace

And if inner peace serves as
One's just reward
 for a life well lived

Then what, my friends
Could prove to be more rewarding
In and of itself, than that?



On the other hand

If anything I write or say

Offers aid to you in your time of need

Then the nurturing side of the teacher in me—
Who yearns to share mind-strengthening nutrients
Wherever I go
Will feel deeply enriched, as well

And as I feel
Personally and professionally enriched, right now
I'll close for today with an insight

Which my kids have heard me recite, time and again:

Here is insight into two of the most important choices
You'll ever make—

Behind door number one you'll find a path
Leading toward the profession you’ll choose to practice
Behind door number two you'll find a path

Leading toward the person you’ll choose as your life partner

As to why I believe those two doors prove to be
Classically, universally and vitally important to peace of mind?

Well—

The profession you choose
Is what you'll do, every day

Your life partner is the person
To whom you'll come home, each night

Once you develop a deep sense of appreciation
For the path that enriches both sides of your life

You'll be able to handle
Whatever fate throws your way

However, if you can't seem to get a firm 'handle'
On one side of your life or the other then—
Guess what time it must be?
It's brain peeling, bread-crumb-collecting time

Why?  Because:
We can’t be true to oneself or to others until
The persona, with which we fool ourselves, falls off

Once we can see the need to identify
Subconscious fears
Which breathe negative energy
Into character traits
That limit our perceptions
Thus forming narrow minded attitudes
Which lead us straight to self defeat …
That's when we begin to figure out
How to iron out wrinkles in time
Which had perrmanently pressed
Misperceptions into our minds
(Whew!)

And now, having tied today’s long list of insights
In a neat bow
I invite you to watch me
Work to develop inner strengths and sensitivities
Which I'd once presumed
To be fully baked

If you can continue to muster the patience
To trudge through the maze of my mind
In post after post
Then I believe you may come to see your way
Toward forging a path, whereby
Your sights will spy half-baked strengths
More quickly than I did
And once half baked strengths
Are examined and placed back into the oven
You'll see your way to being true to both sides of yourself—
Through and through

Then, having mustered the courage
To be true to yourself, through and through
You may muster the humility
To identify defensive traits
Which had unknowingly
'Pushed' certain people away ...
Most especially at those times when
Your  subconscious fears
Had solified misperceiving mind sets
That fortified your  persona’s
False sense of safety by
Repeatedly, though unknowingly
‘Putting down’ any 'messenger'
Whose opinion had disagreed with
Whatever you'd felt the need to believe
In order to justify the victimization
Of yourself

Once your mind develops
The bevy of strengths necessary
To see and accept those times when
Courage and fear vie for space
Inside the same mind
Inner conflict will resolve
And inconsistency will no longer defeat you
From achieving your heartfelt goals

As you grow to see and accept
Both sides of yourself as a whole
You'll come to see and accept
Both sides of others, as well
And once the vital nature of those reassessments
Provides your adult mind with the clarity
To rebalance your point of view
The narrow focus of yesterday’s insecure mindsets
Which had originally imprisoned youthful perceptions
Within a maze where an overwhelming sense of
Emotional complexity had caused reactiveness
To reign supreme
May be overthrown by logic, once and for all

On the other hand
None of this have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too
Clear minded reasoning can come to fruition
Until defensive walls
Which separate your conscious mental acuity
From your subconscious fears come tumbling down

If mental clarity is to usurp the throne
And reign over confusion
Then you’ll need to reconnect
With two of the mightiest inner strengths of all
And I won’t name either one, again
At least not today
Because I’ve already tossed them in the air
Too many times, already
Your friend,
Annie

PS
If you look at this mind bending stuff
As an exhausting feat
May I be so bold
As to suggest that you check out your mirror
And wipe your ‘down-in-the-mouth
Bah humbug attitude out of your mind, tout suite?

If one looks at working through inner conflict
As a dark journey
Then a dark journey life shall continue to be
If one unknowingly yearns toward recapturing
An idealized version of life
Then don't be surprised to find yourself
Splat on the pavement
Like a sitting duck with a broken wing
Blindsided by birdshot from your very own gun 

Perhaps the human mind
Is in need of comparing life not to a lark
But to a chicken in this way:
Some parts of each life resemble light meat
While other parts grow dark
But both the light and the dark are meant to nourish
Our understanding of life in their own ways

What we must not do
Is to relate to life in the same way
That a chicken is doomed to do
In that the mind of a chicken is limited
To pecking and clucking
And nothing that chicken squawks about
Can change its life for the better

Thank goodness, Mother Nature
Provides each human brain
With the potential to develop
Mature thinking, listening, reasoning and speaking skills
Which provide family life with the possibility
Of resolving conflicts in mutually respectful
And therefore, trustful ways ...
Thus allowing a group of complex individuals
To work toward clarifying complexities
In hopes of embracing changes for the better—
No matter our gender or age—


And thus
One step at a time
Day by day
You may see your way to agree
That once old dogs open to expand their mindsets
We can make good use of our brains
To learn new tricks
By grabbing hold of new tools
Which will show us how to create change for the better—
All around—


I mean think about it ...
Makes much more sense
To accept change—that's bound to take place
Then to go on henpecking, clucking, squawking
And raising the roof with a whole lot of mindless crowing
While flinging blame back and forth …
Until more than half of the marriages
Made in heaven
Tumble into the burning hell of divorce court
Where the insidious nature of defensiveness
Strangles the breath out of love and friendship
Leaving children with no clue as to whom to place their trust ...

And now, having worked to clarify all of that (? Double-Whew!)
My mind refuses to conjure up even one more insight
And thus am I 100% done with posting, today …