409 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 17

17
2002
“I learn so much during therapy.  Each session feels like a lesson in love or life.  Then I go out into the world, and plug my brain into a greater sense of clarity where confusion had been before.   For example, one day I learned this:  *When one person in a relationship acquires problem-solving skills and the other does not, the relationship actually worsens.  How ironic is that!  I'd soaked in one tool after another without any clue that, while trying to connect more meaningfully, the communication's gap was widening between Will and me.  (More about that, later.)  Will and I had also been blind to similarities in our youth, which had contributed to our separation.  *On the surface we'd seemed so different from each other that we'd remained unaware of similarities, in terms of fatal flaws, until we'd dug in really deep.

It seems that when most of us consider our problems, we don’t think to dig far enough into our past.  Therapy is so expensive that it's not unusual to give up on it before the main root of a problem is identified.  I hope our stories inspire couples to look in rather than pointing fingers at each other while rushing into divorce court.  So, what do you think about all of this, Mom?"

As we swing pensively, back and forth, my mother, replies, “Who knows anything about anything for certain, Annie?  And what do I know about psychology?  Every question and answer you’ve offered sounds plausible to me.  In fact, I remember one doctor telling me that I could raise a spoiled child with clear skin, or I could raise you in a responsible way and watch you scratch—so your theory about the intensity of your eczema matches his.  Back in the 1940’s, talking to young children about death was unheard of, and since you’d begun to scratch before Janet died, I couldn’t understand why you’d begun to ask so many questions about that time in our lives, now.”

“Well, Mom, if 'everything is connected’—and if eczema is physiological and emotional in nature—and if trauma causes emotional shifts, which are difficult to detect when a compliant child smiles and rarely says no, then it's easy to see why I still captain a cheer squad wherever I go.  Baggage is more easily identified when children ‘act out’ in negative ways.

Once, while Katie was typing one of the stories I'd recorded, she asked if I did all that scratching because I was itching to get out of my skin.  I remember responding—'Wow!  That’s a perfect description of what I’d felt!'  Needless to say, Katie's insight found it's way into that story.  As I look back at 'scratching and smiling' it's easy to see how I'd lived in denial—and living in denial is pretty common, Mom.  Denial is one of human nature's subconscious defense mechanisms, which relieves the brain of pain when stress has had reason to heighten, relentlessly. While in the state of denial, we have no clue of the part we may play in causing problems to worsen.”

“Well, Annie, if you’ve learned to speak up and problem solve rather than smile and scratch, then why is all of this so important to you, now.”

"The more I learn about people-pleasing tendencies, the less blind I'll be to other self defeating patterns.  I'm hoping to understand subtleties in my patterns, which stop me from reaching illusive goals.”

“Annie, most people would never make that connection.”

“Maybe that's because adults tend think that they've learned all there is to know—about themselves.  The expression—self-defeating pattern—is another way of saying: emotional baggage.  Shakespeare might say: We can’t identify our own 'fatal flaws’ without help.  Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for people who are most in need of help to deny it.  Since I hope to live a long life, I question experiences, which may have caused my fatal flaws to develop.  The more I learn, the more baggage I unpack and unload.  I've come to understand why writing is cathartic.  During the writing process, both sides of my brain work together, and every so often a surprising insight pops out of my subconscious.  At times, I'll watch a ‘fatal flaw’—appear before me, one word at a time, on my computer screen, and I'll sit there and stare in amazement at whatever it is that had need to emerge.  It's like driving past a corner of a busy intersection, every day, until, one day, you're aware of a building that's almost complete.  And you hear yourself say, 'Where did that come from? When did that go up?'  *Just as we can be unaware of changes that take place before our eyes, we're often unaware of changes, taking place deep within our minds.”

“Most people don’t take time to think about life as deeply as you do, Annie.”

“I've had lots of surgery, Mom.  Most people don't spend their time lying in bed, pouring through the books I choose to read while recovering.  I've grown more reflective by the year.  For many years, people in my classes implored me to write a book.  Now that the kids are grown, I have time to tackle that challenge.  Just as I've shared stories and insights while speaking before thousands of people, I'm hoping to write in such a way as to encourage many more to pay attention to the ‘little voice’ inside, to speak up more openly and courageously, to listen to each other's needs more respectfully and compassionately than ever before.  To recognize mixed messages and assumptions that mess with our minds.  If I communicate much of what I feel inside then perhaps many more couples will feel liberated as individuals while connecting more trustfully with each other than ever before.  Think about it, Mom,  What if fatal flaws are born of—fear—fear of repeating some crushing experience, which had felt so painful and confounding that knots of anxiety hardened into emotional stones. What if emotional stones cause as much constricting pain inside our hearts as passing kidney stones is known to do?  What if the primal fear of rejection drowns out the ‘little voice’, longing for intimate connection?  What if deep down inside each cheerleader’s heart there lurks the fear that Miss Popularity is really all alone? How sad is it when a child, who feels lonely and confused, grows into an adult who has no clue why he or she feels so lonely, deep inside?  As a family communication’s instructor I’ve always felt compelled to share every shred of information that helps me to understand how often attitudes determine success or failure while we're working to achieve personal and professional goals.  I want to show people how to sit their defense systems in time out chairs, muzzle their egos, expand their perceptions and venture outside their comfort zones.”

“What?  Annie—I have no idea what you're talking about!” When I laugh, Mom smiles and continues with,  “But I’m sure you’re going to explain it to me.  Right?”

Once we both stop laughing, I don't disappoint her ...