7
2002
Here is what I chose not to disclose while swinging with Mom:
I did not tell my mother that her saddness had inspired me to embark upon a quest to learn how Janet's death may have caused my development to swerve away from the norm …
Over my lifetime, I'd made reference to 'the baby's' death.
When filling out family histories in doctors' offices, I'd always written 'Lauren' under siblings and checked ... 'living'.
I'd never thought to add 'Janet' and check 'deceased'.
Why not?
I'd not consciously perceived of Janet as my sibling, who'd lived and died.
The defense system of my brain had placed my overwhelmed sense of confusion, fear and pain into a submerged storage unit within my subconscious. And having locked those powerful emotions out of sight, my defense system instructed my subconscious to swallow the key. And thus did my trusty defenses offer my cheerful spirit safe passage to go forth on it's merry way, whistling through the day ... scratching through each wakeful night ...Hmmm ... Perhaps my defense system is less trusty, more tricky than I know ... Oh well, something to think about another day ...
Upon reflection, I'd perceived of this tragic episode in our lives as my parents' loss ... not mine ... until my father's sudden death catalyzed something to change.
For some mysterious reason Janet began to come to mind much more frequently than ever before. And here is what made each of these moments surreal: I'd feel tears cascading down my cheeks. No sadness—yet. No fear. No guilt. No emotion. Just tears that would not quit. How curiously confounding was that!
At some point, this conundrum began to arouse a dreaded sense of deja vu, which sparked my need to explore whatever had caused this viseral reaction to emerge from deep inside my mind.
When the brain comes to mind, we think: thought processing machine or memory bank.
In truth, the brain is much more than that. The brain, which also stores emotion, is much more complex than a machine or a vault. The brain is a delicate instrument, composed of many interrelated parts. Often times the brain is like a car, with feelings, in need of a tune up.
When we can't believe what someone did or said, or didn't do or didn't say ... we say: What were you thinking?
When that someone responds with a confused shrug of the shoulders, it's time to switch tracks and ask: What were you feeling? Because in addition to storing experiences, perceptions, misperceptions and facts, the brain stores memories of feelings from the past. And just as facts emerge from storage, the same is true of yesteryear's emotions, whether they be peaceful, joyful, or too painful to bear.
The brain stores emotions too painful to 'bare' in a locked file under DENIAL.
Though the memory of feelings too complex to describe, may be stored deep inside the brain's storage locker, stored emotion may emerge unbidden, on it's own, when anything resembles that painful experience from yesteryear.
When submerged emotion emerges, but the memory, which had caused the emotion remains locked behind DENIAL's wall, the whole brain floods with deja vu, and as long as those floodgates remain open, any semblance of intelligence drowns in the confounding tidal wave that ensues.
Once this flood of fearful chemicals clears from the brain and yesterday's emotion submerges back into storage, we can't figure out what blew intelligent thought right out of our minds.
If, during this 'crazy time' we commit a crime, it's recorded as a crime of ... Passion. As passion is the opposite of intelligence, I have no clue what Mother Nature was thinking when she packed intelligence and passion into the same machine! I mean, passion is emotional TNT! Bump into a hot spot? Duck for cover! Because before you can say, oops, sorry, you'll be blown to kingdom come. It can be that easy to shatter each other's 'covers'.
Perhaps when designing the brain, Mother Nature was not in her 'right mind'. Perhaps she was having a bad day ... Perhaps much of the craziness in our lives is Mother Nature's mistake ... And as mothers seem to accept the blame for so much that goes wrong for a child, I think it's time to give the old girl a break in this way: From now on let's switch to Father Nature and Mother Time. Ah! That's a huge weight off my mind! A weight I was unaware of lugging around! Guess my defense system tried to save me from pain and stuck the weight of that emotion in the smokey part of my mind, which I've named, DENIALAND. You see, every obvious TRUTH that I deny is my defense system at work, trying to lighten my weary spirit's load. Unfortunately (or fortuitously) defensive ploys only work for so long ...
While swinging alongside my mother, I was not yet conscious of which emotions my defense system had tucked into the deepest pockets of my mind. And though I was unaware of how often the subconscious sends outsmoke signals, which cloud theconscious portion of our minds, the fact that my spirit remained soggy inspired me to seek help. With help, I came to understand the interactive , connections that exist between thought processing and defenses, which complicate the functions of our brains. Eventually, I had reason to direct my focus upon these intriguing effects of denial:
Just as all matter is made up of particles of energy, the same is true of emotion. When the brain is overwhelmed by emotion, electrical impulses, which produce clarity, scatter. This scattering of energy creates static, which shatters all sense of clarity. As clarity shatters, our instincts are thrown off track. Once our instincts are 'off', the overwhelmed brain can't make heads or tails of reality. As reality disappears into a heavy fog, we're just a hop, skip, or jump from cruising across the threshold into Denialand, where life resembles Wonderland, Neverland, and Dream-on, all rolled into one. In the aftermath of this tornado of emotion, we may awaken to find ourselves lost in a nightmare ... And the reason we awaken in a nightmare is this: Once we drop emotion or experience into Denialand, we get stuck at that stage of development until something causes that layer of our defensive wall to melt down. (I just had a melt down!!!) After we have a melt down, it's important to find out what strength got tied up in knots and tossed into the dungeon of our minds, where we turn into Ming the Mercilous, and whip our sense of self trust half to death. Though we all experience anxiety attacks, panic attacks means that as we move forward from stage to stage, some crucial part of ourselves got left behind in Denialand, and whatever it is, is crying for release ...
In this way does the brain's defense system try to cast life's unbearable truths to the winds. And for the most part, this autonomic system seems to work just fine, until, one shocking day when the roof on your house of cards unexpectedly caves in, and rather than calling upon inner strengths to rebuild 'what got broke', the only tool you have left to lean on is pretense .. which fools some of the people but not all. Unfortunately, the person fooled by pretense most of all is ... oneself. Needless to say, once anxiety builds and we get too close to panic, we need to get ourselves out of this pickle (whatever that means!)
For the most part, this charade takes center stage until your whole house of cards comes down, and having hit bottom, an intervention is in order. At that point, if you're still wearing denial's blinders, it's easy to believe that villains are raining on your parade, when, in truth, the sun is shining, all around, but with those darned blinders ... well ... each time you tell your sad but 'true' tale, some details mysteriously disappear and others change until your sad tale does not match the truth—but ever since your mind wandered into Denialand, the truth has been lost to you. In short, the more you talk, the deeper grows the maze until ... at some point, details, which had submerged, re-emerge, one by one. And you can no longer deny that the story you'd sold yourself had been 'filled' with holes. Once the holes in your story start to show, you may find yourself standing in the middle of the room, bristling while baling, all alone, because the only one who still can't admit that your tearful tale of woe is all wet—is thee. As I've been there my friend, more than once, I'm here, not to judge, but to hand you a warm towel ... And encourage you to find and reassemble lost pieces to your puzzle ...
You see, Mother Nature casts her spell of denial to help us get through a tough time. As we weren't meant to pack up our baggage and move into La La Land on a permanent basis, honesty's the best policy in the long run, because the truth emerges in the end. And you must know what's coming next ... the reason honesty is the best policy is because:
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
Free from what?
Free from denial's spell
Free from this maze that blinds you from seeing that
Those who've loved you selflessly
Do not rain on your parade
In fact, those who love you unconditionally
Personify the umbrella
That keeps you safe from harm
While love dries your tears
So you can see what must be seen
And feel what must be felt
Because, after all, you're human
And humans have two sides
On one side we see strengths
On the other, vulnerabilities
Wishing to develop into strengths
As you shall see
I've spent a lot of time with Nick.
Nick who?
You know the Nick of whom I speak:
In the Nick of Time
Thank goodness Nick grabbed His buddies
Socrates and The Bard
And that trio sat me down and sang me my rights
Which inspired me to call for an intervention
Before I'd need one for myself!
Though tis hard work to free oneself from denial
The pain is worth the gain
Because ... The truth wins out in the end
JYour corny friend, Annie
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