390 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 6

6
2002
Introspection led me to ask my mother several questions:

“Mom, isn’t it possible that after Grandpa’s and Janet’s abrupt ‘disappearances’, those traumatic changes may have caused my next stage of development to swerve away from the norm? You've told me how Grandpa Yacob adored me. That he'd brag to anyone with an ear. That he'd bound into the apartment, so eager to see me that no one could stop him from waking me.  Each time I’ve listened to you tell someone that as a small child I'd never said—no—I've always wondered why that was true.  I've yet to figure out why, you'd fill my plate, and I'd eat till I threw up until you called the doctor, who asked how much was on my plate.  Aren't you curious as to why I didn’t just say no and push my plate away?  Remember how often you tell me that each time I complied with a request that displeased me, you’d watch me walk quietly away, scratching at the eczema on my arms?”

We swung in silence for a few seconds before I continued:  Such a high level of cooperation isn’t natural for any child, Mom, especially not a first-born, as fully spirited as I was.  Personality patterns, which shape up during our first five years, weave in and out of our character traits as reoccurring themes throughout every stage of life. Even now, I feel deeply conflicted whenever I need to refuse a request. ‘People pleasers aren’t born, Mom; people pleasers develop for some reason.
          But, no one demanded anything more of you than of any other child, Annie.  You were just very agreeable.

No one had to be demanding of me, Mom.  I'm questioning why I became demanding of myself. Remember the home movie that always makes us laugh?

They all make us laugh, Annie. …

I mean the one where I couldn't have been more than three; my hands are on my hips; my body language is clearly declaring an angry, assertive stance, and my mouth is going a mile a minute, giving Uncle Jerry 'what for'!  Uncle Jerry had a temper.  He wasn't the kind of guy a docile little girl would mess with. The fact that I gave myself clearance to mess with his disposition suggests a mysterious shift in my self confidence, soon after that. My sudden swerve away from confrontation of any kind suggests my detachment from some strength.  And I need to know which strength I'd lost, so I can win it back.

I can't believe what keeps your mind busy, Annie. Like, why are you asking so many questions about Janet, lately?

Well, one thing leads to another, Mom.  And ever since I'd picked up Rudolph Dreikur's book, CHILDREN THE CHALLENGE, when my kids were little, I've been fascinated by the interactive workings of the brain.  While certain parts of the brain allow us to forge pathways toward reaching difficult goals, other pathways set hurdles in place with which we frustrate ourselves.  As Dreikur's book inspired me to read many more, I came to understand how uniquely each person's thought processes are channeled to think during our earliest developmental years. Lately, I've been drawn toward learning about denial and self awareness, and recently, 'something' sparked my need to know how Janet's death may have affected personality changes within me ...