12
...And so, I'd happily paraded personal accomplishments before my parents' admiring eyes, while unconsciously developing a 'habit' of hiding most of my problems out of sight. We call ourselves creatures of habit, because habits develop into mental patterns, each of which carves its own channel within the thought processing portion of the brain. If we consider each thought processing channel as a toboggan chute, we can picture this:
Picture a frightened, hyper vigilant child clinging to her grieving, raven haired mother after two sudden, unexpected deaths.
Picture mother and child enmeshed within a tobaggon, careening at break neck speed down a chute, but neither knows this to be true, because the sled and chute are invisible to both.
Imagine a time warp where this vigilant child morphs into a protective adult, cradling her grieving, white haired mother on a ... swing, not long after their husband/father's sudden death ...
Imagine subconscious fears, lying, long buried and unresolved ...
Imagine the unconscious effects of ... déjà vu ... emerging ... invisibly ...
Imagine the swing transforming into a toboggan ...
Okay, now that our time machine has zoomed back and forth, let's watch the soothing motion of this swing, secured to the patio ceiling by a visible series of interconnecting links, which form two chains, strong enough to suspend an unsuspecting mother and daughter in space until they choose to unseat themselves and approach whatever surprise fate has in store for each one—individually. Uh ... on second thought, let's pause just long enough to switch tracks and consider this thought, which is itching to coast across your screen:
*When subconscious fears repress basic needs, a person may have no clue that an assertive portion of one's voice has been silenced. This imprisoned portion of assertiveness must be freed if the person hopes to feel whole. When certain traits are squelched at the tender age of three, who's to recognize which part of a child's development has been stalled? The fact that a three year old has begun to develop into a stranger to herself demands close observation on the parts of adults, who know her well—adults whose minds are not reeling from unfathomable tragedies of their own. Once the natural flow of development swerves sharply away from Mother Nature's norm, the mind of a child walks into a maze, from which we each must extricate ourselves (or not), somewhere down the road.
As repression is known to be one of Mother Nature's most common defense mechanisms, little monkeys watch what big monkeys do ... and thus do we say: The fruit doth not fall far from the tree...
*One way to describe repression is pretense of which we're unaware.
We pretend (to ourselves) all is well when nothing is further from the truth.
*Once repressed emotion numbs up, defensive masks are firmly in place, and we believe all is well—we dwell in Denialand, where we remain blind to raw wounds, festering unhealed, deep within. As to those who try to awaken us to realities too painful to bear and thus bare? You know what's coming next ... kill the messenger! (RR&R)
Once we move into Dad's dream house, I'll think to know, full well, the reasons that make me curl up in my bed and silently cry myself to sleep. However, none in my family, including me, will have a clue as to WHY I’ll continue to scratch my arms and legs until layers of skin form angry, red scabs, year after year.
After swinging for several minutes in silent reflection, Mom and I resume processing our thoughts aloud, thus engaging openly , again ...
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