2002
If you stop and think about it, Mom, imagine how confused I must have felt about the depth of your distress, and Dad’s, both my Grandmas’ and my aunts’, as days dragged into weeks and months. Though at three, I couldn't have understood the depth of everyone's pain, it's a sure bet that I didn’t want to add to anyone’s unhappiness in any way. If, during such a lengthy, scary time, any of you managed to smile in my direction, I’ll bet I did back flips to make those moments repeat."
If psychology determines that many personality traits are acquired during the formative years, then that makes me a textbook example of a person who'd acquired character traits, resultant of a devastating experience. Common sense suggests that following Janet's death, my cues came from whatever pleased those I’d loved most. Once my instincts had crossed wired, I had to please others in order to please myself, creating a shift in focus from self trust to seeking affectionate proof of my self worth. And from what I've surmised about folks in general, cross wired instincts may prove to be more common than not ...
Are you more commonly driven by inner strength
Or by subconscious fear, which is subliminal in nature?
Subliminal fear is lasting fear
And lasting fear
Doth not make good use of the brain to think clearly for oneself ...
As one can not please all of the people all of the time
A really good person may harbor a fear
Of never being good enough to relax the mind
A mind that can't relax in peace is hyper vigilant
Hyper vigilant minds race in circles, like gerbils in cages
This kind of all pervasive fear has a name
The nick name of this fear is PTSS
One does not 'get over' PTSS
One comes to understand 'it'
And 'work through it'
Or 'it' gets worse and worse
The hyper vigilance of PTSS
Is like a cold that seems to develop into pneumonia, overnight ...
At some point, one may feel so consumed by fear of failure
That the vessels of the mind constrict
Till one can't think or breathe
(Breathe Janet! Breathe!)
Then, one day, this self conceived prophecy comes true
Because no matter how hard you work to please ... you don't
And once smiles turn to frowns, which cut you to the quick ... Well ...
What's a hyperventilating brain to do???
Thank goodness, my mind had good reason to set out upon quest after quest!
As to why I set out on quests when others take their baggage to bed and pull the covers over their heads?
Well, I did that, too. Twice.
And guess what I found, both times?
My problems did not go away
In fact, they got worse!
Fancy that!
As three strikes gets you a seat on the bench
I benched myself and began to quest for deeper truths
Another word for deeper truth is: Insight
If you'd like to know which insights lay directly ahead ...
Well, my friends, that remains to be seen!
J
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