At this point you might ask: If denial blocks out reality then why didn't Annie just go deeper into denial? Well, hindsight suggests that just like everything else, denial exists in degrees. For example, each time I claimed a seat on the bus, my memory split into two separate parts.
Although I recall the cruelty of the bullies, I can’t recall my reactions except for that day when the whole bus of rats and mice had reason to pounce all at once. Once a tidal wave of pain washed over denial’s wall, I couldn’t hide from the reality of my mortification, anymore. (In French mort means death.)
Up until that day, denial separated my sense of awareness from emotions too overwhelming to understand. You see each time I'd stuffed myself into that bus, I'd had to stuff much more than pain behind denial’s wall. In addition to pain—confusion and fear had to be stuffed, as well—because otherwise, I couldn’t recognize myself, at all!
You see, denial is a complex little critter. On one hand, denial serves to keep self image intact. On the other hand, denial throws us into a state of confusion.
Because my defense system swept all sense of awareness into Denialand, the inexplicable change in my social status continued to confound me. This conundrum makes me ask: What might Mother Nature have had in mind?
Well if ...
Denial blocks clarity from recognizing anything that opposes self image.
Then perhaps Mother Nature believes that people can recover more quickly from confusion than from the agony of humiliation's burning pain.
Thus did my sense of safety take refuge in the Land of Make Believe, where nothing this painful could possibly happen to fun-loving-bright-little me. (By the way, as denial works it's 'magic' in a myriad of ways, it's not unusual for the exhausted efforts of care takers to be summarily dismissed as no biggie. It's also not unusual for care takers to be pleasers. And in order for pleasers to meet this subconscious need to please others, they need to take better care of others than of themselves—until such time as every drop of energy has emptied out. One reason that pleasers go the extra yard is because for 'some reason' it takes very little to make these people feel guilty. In fact, all you need to do to scare a pleaser is frown. More about that later.)
Then perhaps Mother Nature believes that people can recover more quickly from confusion than from the agony of humiliation's burning pain.
Thus did my sense of safety take refuge in the Land of Make Believe, where nothing this painful could possibly happen to fun-loving-bright-little me. (By the way, as denial works it's 'magic' in a myriad of ways, it's not unusual for the exhausted efforts of care takers to be summarily dismissed as no biggie. It's also not unusual for care takers to be pleasers. And in order for pleasers to meet this subconscious need to please others, they need to take better care of others than of themselves—until such time as every drop of energy has emptied out. One reason that pleasers go the extra yard is because for 'some reason' it takes very little to make these people feel guilty. In fact, all you need to do to scare a pleaser is frown. More about that later.)
Wow! Once denial takes control over the mind, it’s no wonder that problems worsen rather than resolve! I mean any attempt to problem solve with a mind that's disconnected from reality will create conversations in which both people believe the other is as crazy as a coot. And if denial helps us all to move through difficult times, then who's to say which person's sense of clarity is greater than the other? (By the way, if this seems as confusing as ‘whose on first’ that’s exactly what denial does to our minds. The subject is that complex. So complex, in fact, that perhaps it's best if I offer tidbits of information, concerning denial, in taste tests.)
You see in order to hide one's fear of the truth, the mind creates a suit of armor, otherwise known as a false sense of pride. This false sense of pride depends upon this pretense: Let's shove our problems under the rug and pretend all is well when nothing could be further from the truth. And the reason I need to pretend that our problems aren't that bad is because your perception of reality scares me half to death!!!
This pretense holds up for only so long, because in the absence of clarity, conflicts exacerbate and relationships get crazier by the day. (And that's especially true of one's relationship with—one self.)
When I was blind to my pretense, I could not enlist the help of others, much less take a courageous stance in defense of myself. All I could do was—bow my head and suppress my confusion by hiding from the truth each time I boarded that bus.
So ride after ride, this self defeating pattern of hiding from reality forced me to swallow fear, fury, humiliation and tongue-tied knots of tension—until that day when, without so much as a hint of warning, the entire gang had reason to open fire on me at once.
As every molten molecule of compressed passion exploded forth, a geyser of agony burst out of my core, and having reached this point of no return, reality refused to fade away. At this point my false sense of pride collapsed, and I heard myself scream—
You're killing me! ENOUGH!
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