13 BULLY FOR ME Part 7 UNCLOAKING DENIAL

UNCLOAKING DENIAL IS NO EASY FEAT

Before we'd moved into Dad's dream house, I'd been a natural leader.  And 'knowing' myself as perky, bouncy, and fun, I was shocked at being cast as the bullied, 'new kid'.  So though I was the only girl squished in with a busload of guys, there was no reason to expect my vulnerability to be trounced by a mean-minded passel of pre-teen thugs.  

         
Upon mustering the courage to stuff myself into that sardine tin—four times a week—I’d no clue that my self image kept tying itself into deeply confounded, tight, little knots.  Rather than leaning upon yesterday's budding leadership skills, I learned to fear the herding nature of gang mentality.  And the more I'd shrink into myself, the more ‘left out’ I'd feel.  So, if I’d felt respected and admired in the past, then what made me feel unworthy of self-respect each time I tried to find a seat, where my ego might feel protected from attack?

         
Well, the obvious answer suggests this:  I began to see myself through the beady eyes of THE LORD OF THE FLIES.  I mean how could I see myself otherwise when my full-length mirror reflected the cruel truth of the taunts.  And in addition to ‘hating’ those rats, who'd gnawed my self-confidence to shreds, I’d no respect for the meek and mousy, who'd failed to speak up in my defense.

         
However here’s a piece of the puzzle that spotlights my greatest vulnerability:  I'd failed see that no one had let me down as much as I had myself.  I mean if being 'ungainly' did not render me defenseless when others were in need of help, then what caused me to feel so insecure when the indignity of being publicly shamed had targeted—ME?  In short, I'd no clue that: 

My pattern of submitting to denial empowered tyranny to prolong my misery.

Bottom line:  If I’d had the inner strength to stand up to gang mentality in defense of the underdog before our move, then what stopped MY VOICE from turning the tides when the bully's taunts rallied his troops to smite my sense of self?  Well, since that puzzle piece still remains vague inside my mind, you may feel relieved to know at least this much:


One day the bullying loomed so large that my ire rose up just as high.  You see, on this day, something utterly unexpected flew in from out of the blue!  And as this unexpected 'something' ignited an explosion of raucous laughter throughout the bus, my cloak of denial could not withstand the engulfing flames of humiliation that burned so deep into my core that every ridiculed atom of energy inside me screamed clearly with pain—finally!