15 BULLY FOR ME Part 9 SELF DECEPTION

Unfortunately, I am woman hear me roar was not yet a rallying cry sung round the world.  So though explosive emotion quivered within me from head to toe, the only one who heard me roar...

ENOUGH!

... was me.

That fact leads me to this question:  How tight must tension coil within the mind and body of a child, who, fleeing flames of humiliation, walks into the house and greets her family, with a smile?  I mean think about it:  Once emotional rebellion ignites, where does all that combustible energy go?  Rocks in our heads.


As the child in question couldn't fathom rock cracking, emotional depths, I’ve spent the last few years gathering clues as to what may have silenced portions of my voice which had been seriously distressed.  That quest compelled the adult I've grown to be to visit Walden Pond repeatedly.

The more I learn about the complex workings of my mind, the less apt I am to deceive myself, today.

Though all people internalize emotional reactions to some degree, we often dismiss the distress of others as being over reactive when, in truth, we have no clue as to when a storehouse of negative energy can't help but erupt—spontaneously  (Think camels and last straws or head on collisions loaded with TNT.)


The fact that I'd smiled by day while thrashing and scratching till blood was drawn at night leads me to ask:  Why doth a child dive into denial instead of asking loved ones for help?


Interestingly, the origin of 'this' child's need to dismiss the depths of 'her' distress continues to mystify me.  And knowing the importance of origins, I'll quest, again, because—well—let's consider what Maya Angelou had to say:

I have great respect for the past.  If you don't know where you've come from, you don't know where you're going.  I have respect for the past, but I'm a person of the moment.  I'm here, and I do my best to be completely centered at the place I'm at, then I go forward to the next place.

When I'm seriously confounded and thus less than centered, I ask myself which of my perceptions may be in need of adjustment.  For example:  I'd been both socially respected and well liked early on.  However each time I'd faced rejection on that bus, my self-respect dried up—quick as a snap!  So though I'd perceived myself to be socially secure, my submission to the mean minded bully on that bus suggests otherwise.


As my next story will showcase how layers of insecurity build up, one upon the other, I'm eager to leap ahead.

      
However, before FIRST KISS is ready to roll, BULLY FOR ME needs to wind down.  I mean in addition to showing you how I wiggled out of riding that bus—ever again, I'll reveal that last bitter straw, which made me declare—  

NEVER AGAIN! 

(If not aloud, at least within the dark side of my mind where my blood rushed round and round!)