12 BULLY FOR ME Part 7 BRAIN FREEZE
Hmmm. I sat down to write and was surprised to find those childhood Furies controling my mind. And here’s how I know that’s true: I sat down to write several times. And each time, anxiety arose.
As a result of anxiety, my brain froze; my memory locked, and every attempt to force my mind to cooperate made my head ache. In short, nothing came out except—resistance and PAIN!
Hmmm. I sat down to write and was surprised to find those childhood Furies controling my mind. And here’s how I know that’s true: I sat down to write several times. And each time, anxiety arose.
As a result of anxiety, my brain froze; my memory locked, and every attempt to force my mind to cooperate made my head ache. In short, nothing came out except—resistance and PAIN!
It's as though a little voice, residing inside my subconscious, said: STOP—there's no sense forcing those Furies out prematurely, because for 'some' reason you're not yet ready to reveal (relive?) this part of your past—at least not yet.
So rather than pushing into yesterday's pain, as I’d have done in the past, I'll listen to instinct's attempt to say: Relax, Annie—with patience that painful memory will emerge from its deep freeze on it's own. And when readiness is yours, that memory will reveal itself without the pain you fear, right now.
As this little voice of instinct makes sense, I've put that irretrievable memory to rest. And in lieu of anxiety, I'm writing, again, with a sense of repose.
In short, I’ve come to accept this as fact: There are times when the instinctive side of my brain sends out a (cautionary) signal before my thought processor has had time to identify the reason for subconsicous unrest.
Bottom line: The more I delve into the complex functions of my brain, the easier it is to honor my instincts. And …
Each time I honor an instinct, fearful feelings of self-doubt diminish.
In short, I don't need to know why I have a feeling to honor that feeling. So rather than laboring to deliver a premie, I'll place my faith in this belief: One day that baby will be ready to slide out of my mind fully formed.
As this has proved true, repeatedly, residual tension fades away, and I can move forward with patience intact, feeling relaxed. You see, the more relaxed my mind, the more clearly I think. So if you agree that positive attitude and timing are everything, then you, too, may feel relaxed while your sense of readiness to solve a mystery develops, step by step.
As this has proved true, repeatedly, residual tension fades away, and I can move forward with patience intact, feeling relaxed. You see, the more relaxed my mind, the more clearly I think. So if you agree that positive attitude and timing are everything, then you, too, may feel relaxed while your sense of readiness to solve a mystery develops, step by step.
As you shall see, I'll produce many one act plays from my memory before the final curtain goes up, revealing the primary reason why Mother Nature directed denial to control my mind when I was a tot. Once again, as Mother Nature offers the gift of denial to us all, then this defense mechanism must be a good thing. On the other hand immersing one's mind in denial indicates a depth of pain too fearsome to consciously acknowledge. So something must have literally scared me out of my wits when I was much younger than ten ...
As instinct refuses to awaken sleeping Furies, right now, let’s examine a memory, which no longer confounds me or needles me with residual pain. In fact, this memory exemplifies my readiness to roar, NEVER AGAIN!
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