1159 RELEASING EMOTIONAL COMPLEXITY, NATURLLY ...

2014
In the aftermath of participating in yesterday's
Scheduled session of EMDR
Here are the insights that I took away with me:

As the complex nature of one emotion
Crashing into the next empowers us to experience
Several feelings, at once, our minds grow confused—

If confusion breeds anxiety then this natural state of
Confusion must be responsible for
Creating much of life's complexities concerning
With whom we click and with whom we click-not

Since change is the only constant in life
Every love connection that clicks simply, at first
Is bound to grow complex for one reason or
Another, over time

As complexity breeds confusion and conflict
We grow ever more anxious until our instinct to
Fight/flee/freeze overwhelms love ... unless
Two people learn to tolerate inner tension while
The bright sides of our minds, brainstorming together
Conceive of a workable plan that
Resolves conflict, thus simplifying both lives

Once both minds feel at ease with having
Conceived of an insightful and workable plan
Both spirits re-energize and both hearts
Delight within each other's presence, again

Yesterday, during my session of EMDR
A portion of the fear, confusion and rage, which
I'd unknowingly repressed at the age of three, four and five
Gushed freely out of my dark side on a river of tears

Today, I believe it may be best
To stop guessing about
What I'll post next until this sensation of
Unrepressed emotion, which is still rushing forth
Feels fully spent ...
And now that this simple plan has eased my mind
It's time for my mind to switch tracks
You see, house guests are arriving, this afternoon
So if over these next couple of days
You can't find me flying around in cyberspace
Please know that my heart is rejoicing with dear friends

1158 WHICH SIDE OF ME IS WRITING TODAY'S POST?

2014
Though I feel as though most of my posts are written to you
Here's why that's not always true:
Some posts are written to me, as when
My power of intuition feels the need to
Convey significant insights, which illuminate
Self demeaning beliefs that remain hidden within

The dark side of my subconscious, to
The bright side of my brain

Generally, when a post conveys some part of a story
That's when I'm writing to you—on the other hand—
If you read my blog on days when intuitive thought is
Urging me to identify a self defeating belief

That indicates my brain, chugging through
A difficult mind shift, suggesting that
You play witness to conversations, which
Take place between the frightened child, within, whose

Confusion and pain are still in need of supportive healing, and
The knowledgable, care giving adult, whom I've grown to be

Since I awoke, today, feeling much less anxious than yesterday
I'm sure you can tell that
The knowledgable side of my mind is writing away

If you'd like to review recent conversations between
My dark side and bright side, please stay tuned, because
I have a strong feeling that the post you'll read, next
Will be one of those which had been written and
Saved in drafts, last week—unless
Upon awakening, tomorrow morning
Intuition directs me to write something else

On an up note—
Will and I received delightful news, last weekend—
And though my brain is designed to

Think only one thought at a time
The complex nature of emotion empowers us
To embrace several feelings, at once, suggesting that
Over these past four days, my spirit has
Juggled anxiety on one hand and delight on the other—
And such is life …

1157 INSTANT REPLAY …

2014
I changed my mind:
Rather than publishing one of last week's posts
I had need to review yesterday's string of insights—and
While reading, more were added …
Why?
Well—upon awakening, today
I felt anxious, again—and intuition has just suggested why:
While working to peel away at each layer of my self protective wall
An ever-deepening sense of unprocessed and thus
Raw vulnerability, lurking in subconscious pockets of my mind, is exposed

As exposing unhealed wounds to self esteem
Proves the main purpose of therapy—
Each bout of anxiety is actually a good thing—in keeping with
No pain, no gain

Each time another layer of vulnerability
Secreted from conscious awareness
Is exposed to the light of day
My body re-experiences the heightened state of anxiety, which
Mother Nature had thought best to hide behind
My wall of denial when I was a terrified child

As tolerating this heightened level of anxiety—
Which for many years had remained flash frozen and thus
Numbed within subconscious recesses of my mind—
Proves to be an essential part of this on-going process whereby
My brain is actually healing itself from PTSD, my therapist commends
The depths of my courage, repeatedly

On the other hand, I sure do miss being able to retrieve
My sunny smile by diving right back into denial—
Big sigh …

As tolerating heightened levels of anxiety proves far from easy
I feel thankful that my next session of EMDR is tomorrow—
Which is only a day away—
I mean—seriously—
No one misses my sunny smile more than me!

PS
So which coach shall I place on the playing field, today?
The one, within, who heightens my stress by putting me down?
Or the one who calls time out to remind
The seasoned player within my conscious mind to focus upon
My personal strengths, which empower my bright side to
Overcome fear each time intuition inspires me
To dive, yet again, into my dark side until
I've gained so much yardage as to ready
My subconscious to release that
Final string of insights, which will reveal
The entirety of the deep, dark secret that
Haunts my well being to this very day—

Hey!  I just had a thought!
What if recent spikes of anxiety are gathering closer together
Because the secret within is readying itself for exposure???

Gosh—the angry bird inside me can't wait to knock
The bully, who attacks from within, out of the game—once and for all!
GO!  FIGHT!  WIN!

Whew!  Thanks to my cheer squad—I feel somewhat better!
Have a nice day …
Your impassioned friend,
Annie

1156 THE GAME OF FOOTBALL TAKES PLACE INSIDE MY MIND

2014
Here's a bird's eye view of the ways in which
The game of football takes place inside my mind:

First of all—
Two teams are on the field, 24/7
In addition to managing and coaching both teams
A portion of my brain must serve as referee, suggesting that
I need to discern which team is
Taking the ball down field:
My subconscious defenses or
My conscious mind's strong sense of
Intuitive, self directed thought

Secondly—
My brain needs to summon its cheer squad each time
Confusion causes a sudden bout of anxiety to spike

If you ask why confusion causes anxiety to spike
I'd reply:
In the aftermath of my sister's death
My three year old thought processor often felt
Too confused to know where to turn for support
During that time of trauma, those responsible for
Listening and speaking in such a way as to teach me without
Putting me down had been so grief struck as to have
Left me to figure out what was going on for myself—and
As I'd misperceived quite a lot, guess whose brain
Adopted enough mixed messages to really mix myself up?

Fairly recently, when I was diagnosed with PTSD
I came to see which part of my brain needs to
Coach my think tank to take hold of confusion
Before confusion grows so great as to
Tackle all semblance of clarity of thought, causing me
To fumble the ball

For example, I need to differentiate those times when
My inner coach is putting me down and
Benching my self esteem vs those times when
My inner coach calls for time out in hopes of
Rallying my leadership skills, which, in turn
Have learned to call upon
My line of control in the heat of each play so that the
Knowledgable portion of my brain can identify and tackle
An unexpected burst of defensive PTSD, which is attempting to
Intercept the ball by tackling the lucidity of
My current train of thought

In order to stop a sudden burst of PTSD from
Running down field with the ball
My think tank must gain control over
Emotional static, which runs interference
With my sense of clarity for this reason:
In the past, when I was in dire need of support
The blind led the blind, suggesting that
None could see this fact:
Traditional forms of therapy do not successfully
Heal a mind of sudden spikes of anxiety, caused by PTSD

As I was not diagnosed with PTSD until fairly recently
No one had a clue as to why
An overwhelming sense of confusion
Swirling through my mind
Overwhelmed my personal strengths, from time to time

And I don't hold therapists, with whom I'd worked in the past
Accountable for having missed this diagnosis for this reason:
My communication skills were so well developed as to
Have deemed my defensive wall so impermeable as to have
Fooled everyone, including professionals, as to the
Underlying nature of my fear of abandonment until
An eagle-eyed psychologist saw past my persona, and
Thus did I take my first step into
This adventure of self discovery in hopes of identifying
Which of my personal strengths are, in truth, half baked

Over these past several years, I've worked in earnest to
Peel away so many layers of my defensive wall as to expose
Vulnerabilities that none knew were in need of sensitive support

During this lengthy time of exposed vulnerability
My spirit has taken so many solid hits that I continue to
Find myself in need of a supportive team

As my requests for help had been new to every ear
No one paid me any mind, suggesting that
I found myself carrying the ball, by myself, until
Exhaustion hit so hard as to knock my spirit to the ground

This week, I've had reason to carry the ball, again
And just today did I come to see that due to past experience
Subconscious fear floods my think tank with worry concerning
Finding myself running with the ball—
Alone on the field of life—while facing down the other team, whose
Need to put me down remains unchanged—and—
Thus does fear—due to deja vu—run interference with my sense of clarity—
For sound reason—yet again
Why?
Well, each time my conscious mind confronts
An unexpected bout of PTSD, my think tank
Feels like it's about to battle through a war which
Has no end—until—
My well-practiced powers of intuition remind me of this fact:
Having come to understand that my think tank crashes during
Each bout of PTSD, I must count on
My brain—working as a whole—to give birth to whatever
String of insights is readying itself to tunnel through
The dark side of my mind, thus
Enabling my sense of self worth to see the light of day—
Without fail!

For heaven sakes!
I need to give myself a break!
The string of insights that make up this post is actually profound!
I mean, it's no wonder why mental exhaustion hits so hard!

Whenever I sense intuition seeking
To drill a hole through each next layer of my defensive wall
My spirit needs to coach my cheer squad to
Encourage me to breathe and review
Insights from the past in order to coax
Whatever new string of insights is laboring to be fully exposed
And as I appreciate all of the support that
I've received, recently, my think tank has good reason
To calm anxiety at least enough for
Lucid thought to gain extra yardage toward
Carrying the ball toward my ultimate goal as I work to achieve
One first down after another—and if you ask me to name that
Ultimate goal, I'd reply:
I'm in need of releasing the secret that terrifies me most of all
You see, I've learned that upon revealing that secret to myself
Will set me free of feeling unworthy of love …

Today, I can consciously reassure myself of this fact:
Most of the rookies
Who'd been blind to the depth of each insight, which
Had emerged from my mind during these past several years
Have—over these past few years—had sound reason
To see the light, suggesting that—
Unlike the past, when my leadership skills had felt the need to
Win each down on my own—
Today, I can count on several seasoned, first string players
Bolstered by two cheer squads to help me
Take the ball down field—as long as
I don't let my self demeaning traits drown out
The courage of my conviction, which continues to
Strengthen the validity of my voice

As you can see—
Complex components, comprising
The whole of my brain must grow
Well-practiced at multi-tasking or else
One portion of my brain will
Struggle against another like
Two opposing teams, and
Though I could go on and on describing
The ways in which two teams
Vie for the ball inside my mind
Let's assume that I've made it my business
To learn how to heal from
Bouts of PTSD than I'll ever know about
The intricate plays that take place
On the football field which exists in your mind
Thus defining your life differently from mine

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:
Each time a new string of insights emerges from within
I gain yardage—play by play—game by game
And thus do I coach my think tank to retrieve the ball
No matter how many times my defense system
Pushes my sense of logic back

Each time anxiety strikes and I can't identify why
Experience signals me to look to
My power of intuition to
Coach my sense of courage to
Hang in there throughout each play of the game, until—
That final string of insights breaks through
The last layer of my defensive wall, at which time
I'll make that final touchdown, necessary to exposing
The subconscious secret
That haunts my conscious well being
To some extent, every day

When I'm asked, why push yourself so hard
I reply:
I don't.  In fact I coast and play until
Anxiety has cause to arise—and if I believe
To know why but can't find relief that's when
My sixth sense suggests that whatever
Is disrupting my peace of mind may be related to
An unidentified issue that runs too deep for
Conscious awareness, and if I ignore
Whatever's causing this unamed fear to erupt
I'll trip over that which may prove to be
A mixed message, indefinitely
And invariably I've found it wise to clarify
Subconscious hot spots, which ignite anxiety to spike

PS
Though this is the second post
I've published in almost two weeks
That does not mean I've not written more

The fact of the matter is this:
I chose to labor over several posts until a string of old insights
Gave birth to a string of new insights, which had need to see
The light of day

As hiding the truth from my conscious mind
Was the only way I'd felt safe from terror when I was young
You can imagine
How focused my whole brain must be before
Intuition can prod the readiness of
My conscious mind to dive ever more deeply into
my subconscious—until such time as
It's deepest, darkest secret has been fully disclosed
In truth, my adventure into self discovery
Proves to be the toughest work that
My brain, working as a whole, has undertaken, as of yet

Need I say that something must have happened, recently
To stir the pot, thus catalyzing
My struggle with this latest bout of PTSD?

Need I say, that upon cocooning and writing and rewriting—
My conscious mind, coached by intuitive trains of thought
Has continued to probe, ever more deeply into
Subconscious thought until, finally, another layer of
My defensive wall gave way, thus thwarting
This current spike of anxiety from running away with game
(I don't ever want to experience the paralyzing fear that
Caught me unaware as Will's cancer surgery drew near)

Now that some semblance of clarity
Has sacked this current bout of PTSD—
Suggesting my having made another first down—
I'll publish today's post, followed by those, which
Will offer you a bird's eye view of
Intuition directing my conscious mind to intercept the ball, thus
Stopping my defense system from controlling play after play—

Oh—one more thing—if you know anything about football—
Suggesting that you're chuckling at how little
I actually know about the game—
Please feel free to laugh away, knowing that I'm doing the same—
I mean, though I've become a fan—
Playing football is not my thing
Sending you a weary but natural smile,
Your less-than-super-sized friend,
Annie

1155 WHAT CATALYZES MY NEED TO COCOON?

2014

As it's my choice to
Remain stuck in a bad place or
Take a step forward into the great unknown
I listen ever more intently into myself until
My powers of intuition guide me and my
Present state of confusion toward
Wherever I most need to go—
At least for now

As confusion tends to lead us
Two steps forward, one back—that
Makes me compare a
Confused state of mind to
The game of football, which somehow
Seems more on target than
Comparing my present state of mind
To a gerbil in a cage, running on a wheel
Getting no place fast or to a record, which
Circles round and round the same broken track

Each time I feel utterly unlike my sunny self
Suggesting that
My spirit is sagging under the weight of

A build up of self imposed pressure, which
Baffles my sense of clarity, intuition suggests
My need to cocoon to think deep, knowing that
One string of insights leads to the next

Of course, insight into my need to
Cocoon and think deep enough to
Figure myself out did not speak to me until
Experience offered me
Sound reason to believe that
The answers to puzzles that mystify
My sense of clarity are truly hidden
Within the subconscious portion of my mind …
For example:

I've come to see that
Whereas sadness feels safe—because
People tend to rally round to cheer you on
Anger does not
Why not? Because ...

As children, we'd been taught to believe that
To feel angry is 'bad'

Each time we heard:
Don't feel that way or
Boys don't feel that way or
Girls don't feel that way or
You need a time out!
We were pressured to believe that
Feeling an emotion as natural as anger
Exposes a bad trait in need of hiding until
Finally, pressure to suppress that which proves to be
A natural emotional reaction transforms
Conscious expression into
Subconscious repression, suggesting that
Over time, many layers of tightly coiled emotion
Remain hidden from conscious awareness behind
Defensive walls, which prohibit us from identifying
Personal needs, which—
Having been frozen in storage—remain numb until …
They are not—

Once numbed emotion has reason to thaw—
The mere touch of a hot spot electrifies a live wire

In truth, behind much of my sadness, layers of

Unprocessed anger remain so hot and raw as

To grow as explosive as TNT—

As long as repressed passion
Remains tightly coiled within the recesses of my mind

You'll see me write:

I am woman—hear me roar!

On the other hand

My line of control has become so well practiced
As to offer me no conscious clue of
How often my energy source must
Work overtime to repress and thus
Compress each layer of coiled fury, which
To this very day, gnaws into
My spirit's sense of well being until

The toxicity of this build up of
Subconsciously repressed passion creates
Tension that won't let me breathe, naturally—
Until, having acknowledged its source
I can release it in a manner that harms no one—
And 'no one' includes—me

As being oxygen deprived stresses
My energy source even more, intuition

Compels me to seek a safe haven
In which to retreat until

My conscious mind gives birth
To a new string of insights, which
Upon clarifying my reason for confusion
Permits me to release this impassioned tension
(which presents as a spike of anxiety)

In a manner that proves
Healthy and mature, rather than malevolent

Upon laboring, successfully, through
Each phase of personal growth
My mind has sound reason to relax and

My body breathes so freely that
The sum of my interconnected parts
Functions as naturally, again, as
A well balanced whole … and
Though today's train of thought is
As true as true can be—
I know this next train of thought
To be true, as well—
My mind feels troubled, again, for this reason:
I've yet to give birth to the string of insights
Which will open a door in my
Defensive wall, thereby
Freeing whichever subconscious emotion or

Ill conceived belief is in need of exposing itself
To my clarity of thought, next

In short, I feel the need to free my mind of
Yet another self defeating belief that
Remains repressed behind my subconscious wall

Once this self defeating—and most likely
Self demeaning—belief is fully exposed
A subconscious build up of fear and fury
Will be, once again, naturally released …

And you can believe me when I say that
No one will feel more relieved than me to see
This current train of thought, which
Has been percolating inside my mind for
More than a week
Pull into the station where another
Suitcase of baggage will be unloaded, at which time
My mind will need downtime to rest before

My spirit feels revitalized—thus, joyfully alive

Holy Madness, Batman!
Something is coming!!
It's not the anger of others that
I've feared provoking!
It's exposing the depth of my own!
Why?
Because of my subconscious belief that
As a world-class-super-hero problem solver
My think tank must save the day—
Every day—by working
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerfully than a locomotive
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
Look—up in the sky—
It's a bird—it's a plane—it's Super Annie
Flying past her own layers of deeply repressed fury
In hopes of resolving deep seated conflicts
Faster than the speed of light!
Holy cow!  Slam on the breaks—
I think I'm Nick!

Sound familiar, anyone?

If one insight leads to the next then
Does anyone out there
Have so much as a glimmer of
Which insight may be in need of emergence, next?
I could really use some help, here …

Oh!  Hold the phone!
Here's an insight that just popped out of my popper!
I'm not sick of personal growth—
I'm sick of each burst of PTSD that
Necessitates my need for personal growth!
No wonder why my strength of spirit chooses
To embrace each growth spurt as it comes

Though it's been obvious for some time that
I'd lost sight of my sense of self worth in the
Aftermath of Janet's death—and then again
When Lauren's coma scared everyone out of
Our wits—additional experiences, too complex
For the mind of a child to comprehend
Muddled my sense of identity
To the point of filling my mind
With emotional static, which
Surfaces as anxiety each time a
Tumultuous conglomeration of
Numbed emotion intertwines with
A self demeaning belief
And in this way does
Confusion tackle clarity each time reason for
Deja vu catalyzes anxiety to spike

So—each time I tire your mind with
Words like personal growth and self awareness
I'm actually working to rewire an injured
Portion of my belief system in hopes that
The more I come to understand
The complex workings of my brain
The greater chance my sense of clarity
Will have of retaining control over
My think tank at times when
A mixed bag of beliefs creates such a
Shock of confusion as to knock me senseless

Let's look at it this way:
It's not unusual for a mixed bag of beliefs to
Float in and out of minds, right?
Each time we mix ourselves up, it's easy to
Believe we fear one thing when
In truth, that which we fear feels so complex as to
Confuse all the issues unless we think to consult with
Intuition in hopes of sparking a string of insights
Which will spotlight the main root of whatever
Is actually responsible for catalyzing each spike of anxiety!
Whew!

If you think today's train of thought
Was easy to express, clearly, please think, again
In truth, the string of insights that
I labored over for hours has tired my mind
To this point:  My think tank feels as though
It gave birth to triplets, today!
In fact—today's post makes me feel like
I need a C-section of the brain!

Next up:

How does each emergent

String of insights lead toward

A life changing epiphany

Just as each set of first downs

Culminates in a touch down?

1154 INNER LIFE/OUTER LIFE

2014
What is going on with me?
I mean, what mind shift is taking place in me?
Over these last fourteen years, since the death of my father
Who or what has controlled my spirit's sense of well being?
My birth family
Why?
Because of the role that I'd taken upon myself, early on
If I can't solve their problems, I feel worthless, and
My spirit sinks in quicksand
How unhealthy is it for
My well being to enmesh with theirs
Why, after years of therapy, is this still true?
My string of insights has not yet offered me
The enlightening breakthrough that I seek, which
Will reveal the mind-expanding epiphany
Necessary to free my feeling of subservient servitude

From whom or what do I need permission and release?
From myself?
Or ...
From an adopted belief?
Aha!
Give me a minute to think …
I can feel something huge turning up
The wattage of my mind—
Lightening my spirit as I write …
Hmmmmm—

I do not need release from my family
I do not need release from myself
I need to re-evaluate the idealistic sense of
What I was taught family is 'supposed' to be
in terms of how the concept of family
Had been defined and passed down to me

I need to reconsider idealism vs. realism, concerning
That which families prove to be

So—what do families prove to be?

A family is a group of individuals, each making
His or her way from one stage of life to
The next as best as possible—experiencing
Failure, success, heartache and joy as
Each of us carves out his chosen path
Suggesting that—

Blood is only thicker than water
When your blood relations' unmet needs
Are not working overtime to
Bleed the life force out of each other's
Mental strengths and heartfelt spirits

Oh—that doesn't sound like me!  Right?
This must be the stage of mind-bending awareness
Where I turn into a stranger to my former self
And as having turned into a stranger feels
Too strange to believe
Whoever I am, today, seeks guidance in hopes of
Opening yet another door in my defensive wall, which
Will afford the staid nature of my belief system
Additional space to progress toward necessary change—
I mean, having concentrated on changing
My role in our family, over these past twenty years
Perhaps it's time to broaden my focus in order to
Reconsider a highly generalized definition of family
Thus personalizing the concept of what
'Family first' has come to mean to me …

Can't help but wonder what I'll find myself
Thinking and feeling when this current mind shift
Pulls into the station, where, upon
Stopping to unload another suitcase of baggage
I'll embrace another life sustaining epiphany
After which, I'll rest my mind, refuel my spirit and
Ready my whole self for whatever
Joyful adventures and unexpected surprises
Will await my discovery, directly ahead
Whew! 

Now that sounds more like the Annie, whose
Self-directed need to create joy from within
Keeps her eyes, ears and mind wide open for—what?
For whatever delightful experience life has
In store for me, next

Actually, maybe I need to take a break from writing
For a while and just coast—
Because that which offers my mind, heart and spirit
So much personal satisfaction
Has begun to feel like a drag

Even so, have no fear of my cutting the line—
I mean, knowing myself as I do—
I'll not be gone fishing for long
After all—writing to you is 'my thing'

So, hopefully, upon my return
We'll pick up right where we left off—
Enjoying each other's company—
Free of undeserved guilt, which
I hope to unload, more fully than ever before—
As to the feelings and thoughts written but not posted
Yesterday—perhaps they will comprise the first post
Upon my return—perhaps, not …
Until then—as always—I wish your inner life and outer life well
Your deeply pensive friend,
Annie

1153 WHEN I GET SICK OF PERSONAL GROWTH …

2014
If you wonder if I ever get sick of
Diving into the depths of my mind in hopes of
Gaining insight into my need for personal growth
The answer is unequivocally YES!

On the other hand
Here's why I don't remain sick
Of seeking where personal growth proves
Necessary, overlong:
The other choice—namely
Diving ever more deeply into denial where
I Choose to remain stuck in a rut—
Causes me to linger in a place that feels bad for
This reason:  I have to close my eyes to the fact that
I'm walking through life, blinding myself to
This deeper truth - behind my smile
My defense system is hiding the primary reason
Why the conscious portion of my mind often feels
Confused and unhappy, and since
The subconscious portion of my mind knows
What happened that makes me feel like
A bad person when I know myself to be a good person
My spirit, feeling trapped and conflicted between
Good and bad, yearns to rebel against feeling
Resigned to remain stuck in this confounding state of
Limbo, over long ... and as I'd experienced blindsiding
Myself, resigning my decision-maker to accept
Situations that weighed heavy on my spirit, over long
I came to see, during my separation from Will, that
The second choice led to unhealthy results
Not only for my spirit, but for my state of mind and
Body, as well, because every part of me proves
Intrinsically connected to that which makes me feel
Miserably disjointed or joyful and wholly alive, so—
Though tis true that I get sick of intuition compelling
My conscious mind to dive ever more deeply into
The realm of self awareness in hopes of gaining
Insight into pockets of my subconscious where
My need for personal growth hides from plain sight
You can see why I believe so firmly in
The importance of clearing my mind of
Yesteryear's excess baggage, thus creating
Less confusion and clutter, more brain space
In which to consciously transform vulnerabilities into
Strengths, which, in turn, empowers my mind to
Produce a boundless profusion of joy—which
My soaring spirit delights in sprinkling, all around

And BTW:
Here's what I feel at those times when
Each new stage of personal growth is
Actively transforming a portion of my think tank
To evolve into a stranger to myself:
I feel in need of offering myself peps talk as
Positively focused as this next one proves to be:
I know myself to embrace strangers as friends
And I'm known to treat my friends, very well
Therefore, I trust myself to embrace this stranger
Who is evolving inside me so that both of us can
Feel welcomed into a joyful place that
Will feel a lot better to both as soon as
We've blended into a healthy whole than wherever
I'd felt capable of taking myself, before
And—as that's been true of my history, over
These past twenty years—
Here comes the bottom line, for today:
No matter life's mysterious complexities
My growing sense of self trust serves me well

PS
In truth, I wrote a lot more than this, this morning
Why?  Because I'm at that stage of personal growth where
Insights are popping out of my think tank, hot as
Kernels of corn, too many to relate with clarity until
I've taken time out to consider each one, separately, so as to
Lead myself toward an on-going series of mind-expanding
Breakthrough, each of which follows on the heels of
An epiphany, concerning my self worth, which
Proves of epic importance to my spirit's well being
And if I'm on target about this next curtain lifting inside my mind
Thus exposing yet another breakthrough in my wall of denial
I may be a step closer to revealing
The deep, dark, 'dirty' secret to myself, which
I've kept from my conscious mind in order to shield myself
From feeling the pain that my defense system thought best to
Repress ever since fate offered me reason to become
A terrified, deeply confounded child, and if you ask:
Annie, why are you writing about that secret, today?
Id reply:  I've been feeling really fearful, this week—
And rather than fending off fear by sticking my head in the sand
I'm choosing to focus consciously upon digging in deep …
Why?
Because rather than running away from
That which I fear, most of all
My intuition has been readying me to confront this
Childhood terror, head on, for this reason:
By this time in my life—
I know my mind works best when
My strength of spirit casts thoughts of fear of failure aside in favor of
Setting my mind to confront undeserved guilt, as well as
Whatever else life tosses across my path, as a whole—
Sooo—Having absorbed the content of these past several posts
I wonder if your intuition has begun to send you this signal:
I've been readying my whole brain to feel prepared
For a showdown with loved ones—again—
However, this time, insight gained, concerning my last mind shift
Will strengthen my voice in this brand new way:
I'm discovering thought patterns in need of change
And as the only thought pattern I can change is my own
I'm thankful that my bi-monthly session of EMDR is, this afternoon
You see, I know full well that though I may not be able to
Solve my loved one's problems, I am worthy of being love—so
If I know that to be true, what am I in need of working at, next?
I am in need of converting 'knowing' to 'feeling'—
Feeling myself worthy of love, so that if contempt is flung at me—
I don't catch it or fling it back
My goal?
Fling contempt at me, feel my compassion for your pain from me
If you tune in, tomorrow, we'll see whether
My intuition—concerning my mind shift, feeling
Ready to embrace this next phase of personal growth—
Is on target—
Wishing you a five star day—
Your friend,
Annie