A text from a dear friend:
Sadness, frustration, fear, impatience and anger are natural human emotions especially when confronted with the obstacles you have been experiencing . If you did not feel them you would be less than human. There is no doubt that your inner strength is winning the battle against these emotions. Obviously this is a marathon not a sprint. And there is no doubt you will reach the finish line. With your spirIt and Will’s strength victory is on the horizon. All of us who love you are standing right next to you. Let that spirit prevail.
👍💚👍💙👍💛👍❤️👍
B & A
My reply:
Words cannot convey how much your heartfelt message serves to refuel the weariness of my spirit. Though an exhausted sense of sadness describes that which I’ve been feeling, there’s no doubt that impatience with the seemingly stalled state of my recovery; frustration with the fact that following dual surgeries performed in Houston our celebration concerning clean margins proved premature; anger based in my having been misdiagnosed by a bevy of doctors for the better part of a year freeing the original tumor to grow beyond my lung compromising my heart and anxiety arising as all of these recently unrepressed (newly identified) emotions, swirling, round and round inside my head, dizzy my brain as would a tilt-a-whirl ride (which I’d never abided) have been teasing at my conscious awareness without revealing each one in plain sight ever since my nephew Shawn’s unexpected death, three months back. And not until today’s emergence of clarity have I felt ready to muster—no master—the courage necessary to openly confront and expunge this ‘perfect swarm’ of emotional reactions that my defense system had successfully repressed from my conscious awareness in hopes that my intuitive powers could be heard, guiding my attitude to focus clearly on hope, love and gratitude by weaving a peaceful cocoon in which I’d felt ‘safe’ while I continue to make my way through the terrifying nature of these past three years, each one steeped in physical misery—more so than during any previous time when serious illness or life threatening injury, conferred upon me by fate, had challenged my desire to thrive as much as I have been feeling directly confronted by this perfect storm, right now.
Though defining myself as a thriver, reality, based in deeper truth, suggests that before my spirit can strive to fly free of surviving a life threatening illness, my body, which had been invaded by an unidentified malignant tumor, grown to 7cm, must continue to work like the dickens to ascend one step at a time out of hell.
So thank you, dear friend, for identifying this deluge of emotions that my defense system had secreted from my conscious mind during these past three terrifying years in which cancer, chemotherapy and life saving surgeries overwhelmed my personal existence while, beyond my self conceived cocoon, a gargantuan pandemic continues to engulf the world at large.
I feel as if during the aftermath of Shawn’s untimely death, three months back, my mind and spirit have been wrestling with every barely exposed negatively charged emotional reaction as did The Karate Kid with two exceptions—following his initial beating by the gang, he’d been well-trained by a master to face one opponent at a time, and once victory was his, his 78th birthday did not loom directly overhead. Having been seriously ill for over three years, it no wonder why my recent reality check finds my energy source feeling bone tired, my mind feeling sad and my body feeling battered by the harsh after effects of chemo from head to toe.
And so here I am, today, feeling utterly spent, and yet, having absorbed your healing words of wisdom, I feel ever so grateful for the loving friendship that we continue to treasure.
Once again, I ask you to consider—how might we fare when challenged by personal adversity (regardless of age) without the perennial nature of our most deeply loving support systems?
Your presence in my life means more to me than words can convey.
👩🏻❤️Annie
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