My mind accommodates so many Me’s that here’s what common sense suggests: ‘Everyone’ who vies for space inside my head has need to vote for whichever Me proves best suited to guide the rest.
Surely the Me who champions all of the others will not be The Bully. If you are surprised to learn of my harboring a bully inside my mind then please hear me out. You see, when it comes to respecting the needs of my loved ones much more than my own, no one can bully me as well as I tend to bully myself. (Now that’s a conflict that My Fixer can fix!)
Before I’d decided to conscientiously choose which Me would best lead all of the rest, The Teacher within had unconsciously assumed control over that leadership role for this reason: ‘She’ was considered so knowledgeable, competent and highly valued, professionally and personally, within her field of Effective Family Communications that with her in the lead, my level of self confidence ran high. So it made sense to place my trust in her opinions until it came to my attention, during therapy, that I’d unknowingly placed The Teacher in charge of resolving heated conflicts that arose between extended members of my family, and that state of affairs remained status quo until it became apparent that I was not empowered to resolve on-going power struggles whenever a pair of bullish brains (neither of which was mine) locked horns..
Eventually, a whole string of insights lit up inside my mind like fireflies, flitting around inside a jar, and with patience as my trusty companion, these insights lined up in an orderly fashion so as to spotlight this fact: My most authentic leadership skills had been invested within My Intuitive Voice, which does not whisper of deeper truth during the heat of conflict, suggesting why I’ve learned to identify the subtleties of adult power struggles so as to remove myself from the battleground as graciously as possible in order to offer my brain a time out in which to calm itself down, thus granting My Intuitive Powers sufficient time to tunnel through a dark spot within my mind until I emerge with an insight-driven train of thought so steeped in deeper truth as to whisper timely tidbits of wisdom into the most intelligent portion of my brain.
And thus do we come to see that patience and a calm mind go hand in hand before each intuitive thought-process results in conflict resolution by way of seriously considering opposing points of view.
Each time I consciously wait for my intuitive powers to take the lead, my connection to patience runs deeper than merely calming my mind. As depths of patience layer up, inner tension relaxes until an insight concerning a detail, which may have been missed during the heat of a conflict, is remembered. And as this missing detail serves to expand my point of view, I savor the fact that I can actually feel human nature’s basic instinct to seek dominance during conflict subside.
With insight as my guide I’ve come to see that my primary conflict (over these past two months, since Shawn’s death) has been with My Fixer (who, day after day, would sneak out of the depths of my subconscious so as to bully me into feeling anxious unless I ‘fixed’ the most unhappy members of my family. With that insight spotlighting my most recent inner conflict, here is why my anxious state of mind relaxed: I’ve worked to empower my intelligence to keep that ‘over active, little do-gooder’ short leashed. Though My Fixer has been kind hearted, well meaning and often times, successful when invited by both sides to mediate toward a conflict resolution, she’d been blind to power struggles (which were not mine), that had grown far too complex and overwhelming for anyone to solve unless the primary participants chose to work conscientiously with compassionate professionals, who would prove to be astutely effective, impartial, well trained listeners. And as, sadly, that did not come to pass, the contentious relationship between two power-struggling members of my extended family broke in half, having gone from bad to worse to worst.
As My Fixer has been hard wired into my psyche, it can take a while before I’m aware of her stealthy re-emergence; however each time intuitive insight brightens another dark spot of unnamed confusion disrupting peace of mind, my current inner conflict clarifies and once resolved, my spirit flies free of a heavy weight (namely undeserved guilt) based in my need to reconcile myself with My Fixer’s well-meaning mistakes.
Needless to say, my recent resolution of inner conflict does not mean that my sadness concerning my nephew’s death has passed. The positive result of this week’s insight-driven awareness suggests that rather than feeling divided into opposing camps, my mind feels peacefully at one with itself so as to freely concentrate my main focus upon my on-going recovery knowing full well that I am not empowered to ‘fix’ problems that my beloved niece has had to confront, which emerged upon her husband’s death, along with the depths of her grief.
Once again, with intuitive insight as my guide, I come to see the difference between a close relationship, which is wholesome and healthy as is my friendship with Jessica and one that unconsciously becomes enmeshed—more about that, later.
Annie
My spirit feels middling to better. Tina just washed my hair and blew it dry, saving me from expending too much energy while showering.
When she took the towel off my head, salt and pepper popped out, surprising me, all over again! I think we’re hard wired to think of ourselves as we were rather than as we actually are, today, and that’s probably why we cannot properly gauge the aging process, which naturally sees us continuing to change in classic (and yet surprising) ways as we evolve from one stage of life into the next, finding some changes are marvelous while others we’d not wish on our worst enemy.
Just got the best news of the day— Eric decided not to spend Thanksgiving at the cabin, so we’ll all celebrate, together! Hooray!🙋🏻♀️❤️😍
