As my health has been a subject of mysterious concern over the past year—garbled speech, chronic headaches and fatigue—I was under the care of a neurologist until a burning sensation within the right side of my chest added itself into the mix. As pain and fatigue increased, I saw more than one doctor who practices with my internist (who, during that time period, was on maternity leave). I wasn’t coughing, wheezing or feverish, so everyone remained perplexed. Once my internist resumed her practice, general concern stepped up to primary concern, most especially over these past several weeks.Upon my internist’s return, my annual physical was scheduled, along with a routine chest X-ray, which shocked everyone as pneumonia ‘appeared’ within the two lower lobes of my right lung. As that diagnosis included the possibility of valley fever, I chose to follow my sons’ suggestion to confer with a pulmonologist, who ordered a CT scan, STAT, which showcased a mass. Next, a PET scan showed the mass to be contained. Thank God for that.
As my first biopsy, which was scheduled, last week, by way of bronchoscopy (performed by my pulmonologist) ran interference with vessels that infused each tissue sample with too much blood to offer a clear view so as to identify the tissue, which composes the mass, I continue to imagine the astonished expression on my pulmonologist ‘s face when bite-sized morsels of cotton candy, extracted from the lower 2/3rds of my right lung are finally identified, because that's the only foreign substance that I'll permit to take up residence in such close proximity to my heart—
As always, my spirit’s most effective meds continue to be love, humor and hope❤️😊🙏🏻
(Though I can’t deny that pain meds, relieving relentless physical distress, play a significant role in maintaining my positive frame of mind)
In hopes of delaying the spread of bad news until a diagnosis had been medically substantiated, I’ve managed to remain quietly relaxed and composed, leading up to and including my second biopsy, and in order not to alarm everyone, prematurely, I chose to discuss the shocking nature of these developments with very few loved ones in hopes of continuing to successfully suppress waves of anxiety behind my well practiced Line of Self Control, which my imagination conjured up while raising Barry, Steven and Scott to follow my lead so as to train their brains (and mine) to discuss and resolve conflicts lucidly rather than defensively and thus angrily.
You see, just as I’m aware of freeing my whole self to feel emotionally effusive during times of joy, that’s how lucid I’ve consciously decided to be during times of crises—unless the crises at hand in some way triggers yet another episode of PTSD, which, thankfully, has not swept my mind into a subconscious time warp of unprocessed terror (as had proved true in years past, before I was astutely diagnosed by a therapist well-trained in EMDR therapy, which is proved to astutely, gently and successfully guide the intuitive portion of my mind to work toward gaining insight into traumatized portions of my brain so as to proactively identify, investigate and piece together the puzzling nature of mental blocks (erected by my defense system) in such a safe emotional environment as to embolden my intelligence with the courage necessary to revisit the most painful moments of my childhood, so as to heal the traumatized portion of my brain of recurring episodes of PTSD, which has haunted my well being since the age of three, beginning with the shocking death of my baby sister). Over these past few years, I’ve experienced sound reason to deepen my comprehension of what Socrates meant each time he implored his peers to ‘Know Thyself’, being that mental blocks, which remain unprocessed, are not uncommon
(Though I can’t deny that pain meds, relieving relentless physical distress, play a significant role in maintaining my positive frame of mind)
In hopes of delaying the spread of bad news until a diagnosis had been medically substantiated, I’ve managed to remain quietly relaxed and composed, leading up to and including my second biopsy, and in order not to alarm everyone, prematurely, I chose to discuss the shocking nature of these developments with very few loved ones in hopes of continuing to successfully suppress waves of anxiety behind my well practiced Line of Self Control, which my imagination conjured up while raising Barry, Steven and Scott to follow my lead so as to train their brains (and mine) to discuss and resolve conflicts lucidly rather than defensively and thus angrily.
You see, just as I’m aware of freeing my whole self to feel emotionally effusive during times of joy, that’s how lucid I’ve consciously decided to be during times of crises—unless the crises at hand in some way triggers yet another episode of PTSD, which, thankfully, has not swept my mind into a subconscious time warp of unprocessed terror (as had proved true in years past, before I was astutely diagnosed by a therapist well-trained in EMDR therapy, which is proved to astutely, gently and successfully guide the intuitive portion of my mind to work toward gaining insight into traumatized portions of my brain so as to proactively identify, investigate and piece together the puzzling nature of mental blocks (erected by my defense system) in such a safe emotional environment as to embolden my intelligence with the courage necessary to revisit the most painful moments of my childhood, so as to heal the traumatized portion of my brain of recurring episodes of PTSD, which has haunted my well being since the age of three, beginning with the shocking death of my baby sister). Over these past few years, I’ve experienced sound reason to deepen my comprehension of what Socrates meant each time he implored his peers to ‘Know Thyself’, being that mental blocks, which remain unprocessed, are not uncommon
As to what yesterday’s biopsy will document when I see the pulmonologist and my internist on Tuesday of next week, your guess is as good as mine, so hopefully, you’ll enjoy a peaceful weekend ahead, and having given my spirit another pep talk, I plan to do the same.
Annie🌈
Annie🌈
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