As you shall see, this affable adult had been one of several rambunctious boys, who’d spent most of his developmental years enjoying sleepovers with my three sons while the whole kit and caboodle of kids (whose number increased as Barry, Steve and David grew toward manhood), had been reflecting over my tool box of positively focused parenting techniques, which he'd observed during childhood (I’d had no clue as to how many children had marveled at my patience until several, who are currently parenting children of their own, chose to open up to me as did this loving father, last week.)
Below you'll find my reply to his email (though he’d lived in Europe for quite some time, currently, his home is a two hour drive from mine) in which his frustration concerning his low level of patience with his beloved daughter's age-appropriate antics was revealed, and, upon reading that John believed his level of patience could not hold a candle to mine, I chuckled, knowing how quickly my reply would light the wick on the candle in his mind, which has unknowingly awaited the mere flick of the match that will brighten his thoughts, which, having cast dark shadows over his self conceived perception of himself as his darling daughter’s brand new (inexperienced) father, have been in need of welcoming a positively focused sense of recalibration (Quelle surprise! :)
Since I know full well that mustering parental patience proves to be a universal challenge, my reply began with—Think of it this way, John—working toward heightening your current level of patience is like working toward lifting weights in tolerable increments. We start out at a low level, and upon becoming aware of need to up our game, we set the bar slightly higher, day by day, until we come to realize that while disciplining the independent spirit of a beloved child, we are also charged with disciplining ourselves, and here is the good news: We have plenty of time to achieve success with both tasks being that, generally speaking, we have 18 years to create a disciple of each deeply loved child by role modeling the same positively focused attitudes, reactions, voice tones, word choices and behaviors that we hope to inspire our young to develop (mimic)—little by little.
At some point, a parent who has worked toward mastering heightened levels of patience so as to continue to discipline youngsters with generosity of spirit, becomes aware of need to offer up the look of love, emanating naturally from within one’s own heart, while verbally engaging with a misbehaving child, eye to eye, so that your little one, feeling deeply loved at all times, will eventually grow to feel less naturally defiant, more sensibly cooperative, for this reason: Each time we remember to keep our young children’s feelings in the forefront of our minds so as to hold insulting retorts at bay, they, feeling less and less defensive, grow ever more apt to listen to what we feel need to say with an open mind, and when it's the child's turn to reply, his/her emotional reactiveness, becoming less, testy, will offer a response that makes sense rather than prolonging a tantrum that ends up in time out, and that's most especially true during those years when adults have need to tune into the fact that while raising pre-teens, whose independent spirits are naturally as rebellious as was true at the age of two (when a child's processor, advancing through one of the first natural stages of child development, will be likely to continue to tantrum if he or she is subjected to watching parental reactiveness fail to tame the adult version of 'tantrumming' back by flinging negatively focused threats directly at the child, thus inflaming defensive attitudes on both sides to continue to erupt each time a conflict raises its ornery little head—unless the adult leads the way toward conscientiously working toward retraining both brains to listen with a heightening connection to patience so as to answer a child's right to feel respected with love, logic and clarity intact ...
Reflection suggests that with love, logic and patience intact, my think tank rustled up so much good old fashioned humor as to encourage the young minds of my trio of rambunctious sons to fall into line, once they'd absorbed the fact that each logical consequence, which popped out of my mouth, was meted with such consistency and proved so out of the ordinary as to be considered both fair and just (as well as, often times, being so funny as to border upon the ridiculous), which is why, more often than not, my sons processors didn’t know whether to remain defiant or burst out laughing, and every time laughter, which is contagious, conjoined our hearts, defensive attitudes on both sides disintegrated into thin air so naturally that positively focused attitudes felt sound reason to bloom during moments when solution seeking proved necessary if we were to continue to exist peaceably under one roof, and as a result of feeling curiously amused and mutually respected, spirits lightened up so quickly, all around, that eventually, solutions were successfully negotiated each time my sons chose to listen openly to sound reasoning, emanating from my heart so lovingly, as to reconsider the validity of adult oriented values, which, had been offered up for discussion without being force fed, and as, over time, we'd carved out this path, together, the compassionate minds of two generations had worked ever more cooperatively to narrow the gap, which classically separates the decision-making process of experienced elders from the thoughts of youngsters, which being naturally egocentric, had little clue of the fact that each time we passed the solution-seeking talking stick around the table (rather than hitting our teens with consequences that young minds naturally defy), our conversational discussions continued to close in upon universal need to prioritize that which we tend to call 'family values', which, from one generation to the next, are always in some state of flux.
In short, rather than forcing my sons to follow my lead, I disciplined my head to remain so calm as to conjure up consequences that proved so creative (yet based in logic) as to be instructive rather than punitive in nature—and as years passed in which all of our brains had been calmly trained to continue to practice self discipline in order to refrain from bellowing out negatively focused thoughts, tempers on both sides were tamed by developing levels of patience, which empowered our think tanks to rise above and beyond the natural eruption of temper tantrums most especially during trying times when conflict resolution relies upon heightened levels of patience, which focuses everyone's processors toward seeking solutions in a lucid, loving, mutually respectful manner as is likely to prove true of our immediate family, today, and with thoughts focused upon brainstorming toward logic based solutions aimed at creating change for the better, all around, the role of leadership has become ever more fluid and dynamic rather than remaining melodramatically static ...
I believe the first rule of thumb to raising children creatively rather than autocratically is to become aware of inner need to up your patience level incrementally so that eventually, your talking and listening skills, during moments of conflict, improve so dramatically that you come to see yourself as the boss of your temper, because you’re fooling yourself if you believe you're the boss of your child's temperament being that way deep down inside every active mind, no one is the boss of another person’s independent spirit, and once that deeper truth has been thoroughly absorbed into a parent’s mind, that’s when conflict resolution begins to lead away from defensive or passive aggressive reactiveness so as to create an emotional environment in home after home that feels so well balanced, safe and sound and FUN (and funny) that everyone, no matter their stage of life, feels free to cherish time spent with those who have worked transparently to identify and challenge their narrow mindsets to expand, thus inspiring others to work through differences peaceably much more often than not. And, having served up this nourishing slice of child-raising knowledge, which my curiosity hungered to seek out and digest, over my lifetime, with you, I feel happy to know how openly (rather than defensively) you await my striking the match, which passes the candle of 'spiritual lightness of being' to you, Barry, Steven and, one day, to David with one cautionary suggestion—
Please place your lightsabers aside lest your little ones start swinging them around indiscriminately before their think tanks have matured to comprehend the self-empowering potential that exists within every brain to communicate so logically during moments fraught with conflict that word weaponry feels utterly unnecessary (even when it's flung menacingly at me), and the earlier we refrain from flinging insulting misperceptions around, the earlier your offspring, having begun to absorb tidbits of knowledge passed forward from the minds of sages who came before you and me, will begin to feel self inspired to understand how best to motivate the next generation to comply with clearly expressed family rules, little by little, while everyone’s heart, working in tandem toward offering up every person’s best efforts to grow toward adulthood while prioritizing the values of high principled leaders, who openly model their pursuit of self improvement, happiness and justice for all....
If you’ll send me your home address, I’d like to send you a book that was my bible when Barry was two years old.
The title of this wealth of knowledge is CHILDREN THE CHALLENGE, penned by Rudolph Dreikurs, father of positive discipline, whose disciple was Alfred Adler.
As always, everyone in our family loves you, as we have ever since you and Barry were elephants walking in a ring during your kindergarten circus when you were not much older than your precious daughter proves to be, right now.
Once I’m well, we’ll get together for sure. I’m eager to enjoy a playdate with Beatrice and Steven’s daughter, Ravi, who will be five, this month.
As always, everyone in our family loves you, as we have ever since you and Barry were elephants walking in a ring during your kindergarten circus when you were not much older than your precious daughter proves to be, right now.
Once I’m well, we’ll get together for sure. I’m eager to enjoy a playdate with Beatrice and Steven’s daughter, Ravi, who will be five, this month.
Sending lots of love to all three of you,
💕🌈🌻Annie
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