Whereas feelings, being instinctive, are physical in nature, thoughts are mental, so let’s make a mental note of this fact: I had decided to pen my life story before insight spotlighted my subconscious mission to clarify those times when acquired feelings of insecure neediness stimulated my release of The Pleaser to meet the needs of others while denying the existence of basic needs, which proved to be my own. (As in: Subconscious Fear #1—This is what they need of me, and if I do not comply they’ll have no need of me, and I’ll be left all alone (as I’d felt at the age of three in the deeply grievous aftermath of my sister’s shocking death).
Why make this mental note concerning my choice to pen this memoir before intuition offered me insight into my need to identify repressed insecurities that I’d consciously denied as my own? Because as of late, I’ve been consciously giving myself permission to honor my thought processor’s weariness by retiring the pleaser along with the fixer, suggesting that ‘tis change for the better, indeed, to consciously acknowledge the Annie, who has need to feel relaxed before mental exhaustion sets in, most especially at those times when intuitive thought alerts my connection to courage to string together additional insights concerning my ongoing process of healing the current emergence of deeply repressed pain that I’ve concealed from myself ever since the long ago demise of my valued friendship with Joseph when, at the age of twelve, a surge of anxiety so ginormous as to sweep my swirling processor down into the darkest recesses of Alice’s rabbit hole mistook the impassioned lunge of a young boy for the cold hearted pedophile, who’d ravaged a sweet girl, whose assertive voice had been scared out of its wits before it had had a winner’s chance to develop.
In short, feelings, being naturally instinctive, just come while thoughts, based in positive or negative attitudes, are absorbed so unconsciously that they can change, back and forth, unawarely. To make matters of the heart even more complicated, thoughts, whether good natured or mean minded, give rise to feelings. So just as attitudes tend to swing our emotional reactions from highs to lows and back, thoughts which follow suit, become ever more darkly defensive or bright and expansive, and as changing thoughts concerning cultural, societal and religious values challenge current perceptions to advan on the historical time, that which feels true or false, right or wrong, good, bad or indifferent can process through change (or not), over time, over night or in the blink of an eye—so, no wonder why inner conflict is ofttimes downright dizzying, right? And the thought of all of these mental traffic jams snyapsing inside every brain while we’re doing our utmost to conduct clear cut emotional messages between your think tank and mine can leave the most loquacious of intelligent effervescent conversationalists utterly speechless—from time to time—right?
If you can’t identify whether your attitude is headed toward a negatively or positively focused cycle then your sense of clarity is in serious need of recalibration, because mental clarity is essential to embracing positively focused, logic based decision-making skills that strengthen our connection to mindfulness, which is necessary to underscoring the part insight plays in spotlighting sound reasons for carving out unique pathways where personal growth spurts and leaps of faith culminate in heightened levels of self perceptiveness that clearly identify personal strengths as well as insecurities ‘adopted’ subconsciously, early on, when, as children, we’d unconsciously absorbed the misjudgments of others as truth ... most especially at times when punitive, over-reactions on the part of our parents exaggerated our childlike imperfections to such an extent as to have sent us on guilt trips so heavily meted out as to have been largely undeserved. Upon reflection, how often did your parents apologize for ‘losing it’ with you?
With that last reflective insight in mind we come to see why every story I feel need to pen as my saga unfolds will offer up hindsight’s gift of intuitive objectivity spotlighting emotionally repressed pain in need of being revealed to me before my soulful quest to calm uprisings of latent anxiety can naturally continue to repair each damaged portion of my self respect, which, feeling lacking in self esteem still chokes back the self assertive portion of my voice, from time to time, thus thwarting me from actively rising to my own defense before my processor, unconsciously crashes into yet another moment of subconscious self destruction, leaving my processor reeling from feeling too loopy to call forth my current level of self confident readiness to confront the uprising of yet another self disparaging pattern of thought, buried alive, long ago, in the subconscious portion of my mind. Whew! The complexity of this paragraph may be in need of more work once my current state of inner tension feels less mentally taxed, more physically relaxed.
* At any rate, the fact that during my storytelling process strings of inter-related insight reveal deeply repressed emotional reactiveness that proved too darkly frightening and overwhelmingly complex for my processor to comprehend, absorb and overcome during my youth suggests why my adult processor gets to feeling so weary while working toward carving out a clear pathway through the thickening maze that dizzies my mind as I make my way between yesteryear and today, which answers why I feel compelled to take mental breaks from story telling so as to restabilize my emotional balance without denying the writer in me a sense of existential freedom to exercise the self assertive portion of my voice, which feels need to manifest itself in the present tense. (And thus do we gain insight into yet another reason why penning my memoir in the uniquely expansive format provided by blogging works so well for me.)
Ah—sweet patience, if only thee could consistently calm me, through and through, insight would emerge from behind my wall of defensive denial with less struggle so as to ease my way toward identifying and clarifying subconsciously repressed inner conflict without alerting latent anxiety to spike, anew. As my capacity to tolerate emotional struggle with patience intact comes to feel ever less mentally challenging (ever more physically relaxed), personal gains based in insight-laden peace of mind will emerge with less constricting bands of repressed pain channeling throughout my physicality from head to toe, inclusive of tightening the musculature of my throat, my heart and my abdomen, to say nothing of my long ago injured sciatic nerve, which throbs hotly whenever my central nervous system tenses up with a negatively charged electrically stimulated current of repressed emotional distress—that was quite a mouthful!
And now, as a gorgeous sunset is upon us, as though God is actively painting the desert sky-scape, above, breathtaking hues ranging from hot pink to burnt orange, grazing the peaks of purple mountain majesties, I can be seen swaying back and forth on my well padded, two-seater, back patio swing, gazing upward in hopes of spying The Bard soaring overhead while engaged in thoughtful discourse with his sidekick, The Sage, but alas, all I can see (or shall I say feel) is the gentle breeze rustling the leaves of my grapefruit tree as if whispering a two word refrain of existential encouragement into my ear—Know Thyself—Know Thyself—Know Thyself—and knowing my thoughts to be on the same wavelength as The Bard, The Sage, and Henry James for quite some time, I, feeling sound of mind can’t help but smile, believing that soon, the rocky nature of my current emotional turmoil will quiet offering my head reason to relax —at least for a spell ... why? Well, each time my processor openly acknowledges yet another deeply repressed emotional pain coupling with today’s sense of positively focused courage and tolerant patience with inner conflict concerning stepping toward the great unknown, I gain an ever heightening awareness of the fact that I’d experienced more than my fair share of confounded desperation during childhood and managed to thrive rather than seeing myself as survivor, and with that deeper truth floating brightly through the forefront of my neocortex, my connection to self respect multiplies exponentially, suggesting my absorption of just cause for my repressed guilt-ridden self estimation to continue to change for the better—and thus has today’s insight-laden intuitive train of thought spotlighted the primary concern of my existential quest as having been directly related to my need to acknowledge those times when decreasing feelings of latent physical pain (whether lodged inside my head, throat, chest, stomach or leg) rely upon my calm, clear intuitive intelligence to emerge ever more courageously whenever instinct releases a subconsciously repressed terrifying moment on my personal time that my forward focus (concerning emotionally maturity) feels readied to identify and confront, head-on, so as to relieve heightened degrees of repressed mental unrest in need of conscious reveal. Whew!
As clarifying today’s train of thought for myself challenged my current mental capacity to advance yet another rung up the ladder of emotional maturity, I can’t even begin to convey how challenged I feel whenever my think tank is actively specifying which words will hopefully most clearly convey my innermost feelings, thus disclosing current changes for the better relating to the highly complex, interconnected functionalities of my whole brain’s good health to you and to me, too!
And if you ask, Annie, why doth that inner need choose to turn the spotlight of insight upon itself so often, my improved attitudes, concerning self esteem would intuitively reply: Nothing stimulates my connection to mental intrigue as does the multi-functional nature of the human brain caught in the act of healing itself by advancing toward confronting (rather than dodging and and weaving away from) denial’s repressed pain based in a lifetime pattern of PTSD, which proves as difficult to recover from as is true of the drug addict, determined to successfully undergo withdrawal in rehab—and as PTSD accompanies me wherever I go, the more I choose to heal my sense of self respect the more grateful I’ll feel about my good fortune to note that this brain of mine, which also accompanies me everywhere I go, grows ever more consciously capable of identifying expunging repressed pain, suggesting that wherever you feel need to go, you, like me, never need feel fear of losing your hold on your existential self, thus abandoning yourself to the misjudgments of others—and with that ‘peace’ of personal KNOW(thyself)LEDGE fueling my long range goal of being led by the healthy portion of my consciously recovering mind, my soul’s inner peace remains stoked much more often with stockpiles of positive focus as I continue to age, feeling younger than springtime ... and if you’re assuming that I had a conscious clue of airing today’s insight-driven train of thought before it poured naturally out of my soulful attitude, word by word, all on its own, may I respectfully suggest that you seriously consider consulting with the depths of your think tank’s determination to absorb thoughts that may differ from your own ...
PS
You’re not imagining things
Though quite a few of today’s insights are new
Many have been copies from an earlier train of thought
Because repetition deepens my processor’s absorption
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