Why did I suggest that you might do well to cruise through SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE one more time? Because—
Rather than pressing that wrinkle in time against my wall of denial before readiness is mine, I’d like to offer you insight gained today as to why my processor has been swinging, back and forth, between going forward and staying put a bit longer. Here’s what just dawned on me—I’ve been repressing an unidentified fear behind the mask of my persona’s false front (until just now when I gained the insight necessary to take a leap of faith beyond another hurtle of latent anxiety concerning my exposure of deeply piercing heartfelt pain, which had been flash frozen and has remained buried alive ever since the age of twelve when emotional complexity, feeling all a jumble inside my brain, saw me as the only injured party in the alley when I’d also subconsciously believed myself unworthy of Joseph’s love, suggesting that, presently, the subconscious portion of my processor has been working to identify and reprocess my repressed fear (of reliving yesteryear’s emotional meltdown, based in pain-ridden rejection) before I move this story forward, because now that I've become aware of my fear of reliving yesteryears's flash frozen pain, my spirit has need to muster a sufficiency of courage before readiness to release my storyteller feels natural, suggesting that today’s intuitive insight into deeper truth is guiding my conscious mind to take my time while assuring my inner self of today’s self confident worthiness to have been as loved by Joseph as I’d secretly loved him, and once today’s self respectful stance feels wholly restored, intuitive readiness to move our story ahead will wholly be mine, and now that you and I are both aware of my having harbored a repressed fear of hurting myself, today, as deeply as had been true back then, we can see how subconscious fear, once accurately identified, no longer serves as a stumbling block, which my processor had need to hurt-le before permitting my story teller’s voice to speak freely with clarity intact.
Over these past several days, my repressed fear of re-experiencing self disparaging pain has been working in tandem with intuitive trains of thought toward freeing itself to tunnel its way out of emotional repression, thus exposing this current layer of my defense system’s wall of denial to you and to me, so though I want to reveal the flood of negatively charged emotion that’s suddenly resurgent throughout my body (based in heart wrenching memories of what is about to devastate a boy and a girl in the alley behind my childhood home), today's intuitive insight concerning this newly unrepressed fear offers us both sound reason as to why my recent trains of thought continued to switch tracks, back and forth, from forcing my engine to chug blindly forward as though thrusting my masked fear into an emotional sink hole of mega proportions toward resiliently honoring my brain’s inner need to stop wrestling with inner conflict so as to linger within today’s current rest station until a fully relaxed intuitive surge of positively focused energy feels stoked to secure the high level of self confidence necessary to release my heartfelt connection to readiness, which must be mine before the story teller's clarity is once again released. As to how long that will take? Your guess is as good as mine. Bottom line, I have no clue, as to yet, which spirit-strengthening insights lie directly ahead.
Whew! I sure do feel more relaxed, right now, than had been true, over recent weeks, when unidentified inner tension (blindfolding my conscious awareness from gaining intuitive insight into painfully repressed angst) held my processor hostage, yet again, until, just now, when the door in my wall of denial, opening so naturally as to release my recently unrepressed fear, offered my restless mind the clarity to comprehend my mental need to coast until I feel wholly relaxed, because I’ve just come to see that relating my tussle with Joseph stimulates my processor to ‘remember’ wrestling with the predatory nature of the pedophile. OMG! See how two unrelated situations, which prove to be opposite, can FEEL the same when wires, filled with fear, get crossed inside our brains? My current connection to courage is so NOT ready to relive those horrific memories, which proved so pain-wracked as to have alerted my defense system to repress every one of those red hot moments of terror into the secreted recesses of my subconscious until additional steps toward emotional maturity feel closer to achieving the heights of Wonder Woman status ...
WHEW!
Why WHEW!? I feel as though today’s insight driven intuitive train of thought has cleared a darkly clouded portion of my mind from dodging a bullet filled with buckshot that would have left today’s self confident stance with so many holes as to have knocked out my intelligence, freeing subconscious fear to drag my unconscious processor back into Alice’s deep dark tunnel of repressed despair ... and having consciously grown aware of the fact that the astute nature of today’s train of thought is responsible for saving my mind from being sucked back into yesteryear’s time tunnel where my spirit would have re-experienced yet another bout of full blown PTSD, leaving my conscious mind feeling smothered within yet another haunting near death experience like the real one that had forced me to scratch my skin raw, night after night, as though desperately attempting to expose the depths of my young body’s nubile plight, suffered at the calloused hands of a pedophile’s cold hearted stalking attacks upon my person, repeatedly—and with today’s string of intuitive insights in clear sight, I find my processor in need of immersing itself into the reality of that fear based stage of my life, which just surfaced, until my rising level of self confident contemplation of deeper truth concerning how many decades ago those experiences proved to be calms my brain so as to invite my processor’s power of intuitive thought to heal myself of subconscious memories of self disparagement by way of heightening self awareness to feel ever more deeply readied to stoke my current level of emotional maturity with the patient sense of courage that proves necessary to move this pair of disgruntled pre teens forward on the chessboard of life without injecting the poisonous, ghostlike presence of the pedophile into my present state of mind ... TRIPLE WHEW! See what I mean about having dodged a bullet? That wouldn't have been possible had I not mustered the courage necessary to wholly participate in past sessions of EMDR in hopes of stepping every closer to healing the traumatized portion of my brain from PTSD ...
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