Whereas feelings, being instinctive, are physical in nature thoughts are mental, so let’s make a mental note of my having decided to pen my life story before insight spotlighted my subconscious mission to clarify those times when instinctive feelings of insecure neediness stimulated my release of The Pleaser within me to meet the needs of others while denying basic needs, which proved to be my own.
Why make this mental note? Because, as of late, I’ve been consciously giving myself permission to honor my thought processor’s weariness by choosing to retire the pleaser along with the fixer, suggesting that ‘tis change for the better, indeed, to identify my need for downtime before exhaustion sets in, most especially at those times when intuition alerts my connection to courage to compel me to string together additional insights concerning my ongoing process of identifying and healing the current emergence of repressed pain that I’d had no conscious clue of concealing from myself in the surprising aftermath of that which transpired between Joseph and me in the alley when, at the age of twelve, a surge of anxiety, sweeping my swirling processor ever more deeply into the dark recesses of Alice’s rabbit hole, mistook the impassioned lunge of a young boy for the cold hearted pedophile, who had ravaged me.
In short, feelings, being instinctive, just come. On the other hand, thoughts are based in attitudes, and as attitudes are absorbed, they can change. To make matters more complicated, thoughts, whether good natured or mean minded, give rise to feelings. And just as attitudes change (for better or worse), thoughts become more darkly defensive or brightly expansive, and as changing thoughts challenge that which we perceive as being true, our feelings change, too. Inner conflict is pretty dizzying, right? If clarity is essential to logic we need to highlight the part insight plays in spotlighting sound reasons for walking a path where growth spurts, leaps of faith and heightening self perceptiveness rightfully identify and challenge personal insecurities absorbed at times when we’d accepted the misjudgments of others for truth ...
With that insight in mind do we come to see why every story I feel need to tell as my saga unfolds will offer up the gift of additional insights spotlighting emotionally repressed pain awaiting reveal to myself before my soulful quest to calm anxiety can actively repair each damaged portion of my self respect, which, having been found lacking in self esteem still chokes back the self assertive portion of my voice, thus thwarting me from meeting with success by way of unconsciously crashing into a moment of subconscious self destruction before my current level of self confident readiness to confront the reality of yet another self disparaging pattern thought, buried alive, is clarified within the conscious portion of my mind. Whew! The complexity of this paragraph may be in need of more work once my current state of inner tension feels less mentally taxed, more physically relaxed.
Ah—sweet patience, if only thee could become consistently calm, through and through, insight would emerge from behind my wall of defensive denial with less struggle so as to ease my way through inner conflict. As my capacity to tolerate emotional struggle with patience comes to feel ever less mentally challenging (ever more physically relaxed), personal gains based in insight-laden peace of mind will emerge with less constricting bands of repressed pain channeling throughout my physicality from head to toe, inclusive of tightening the musculature of my throat, my heart and my abdomen, to say nothing of my long ago injured sciatic nerve, which throbs hotly whenever my central nervous system tenses up with yesteryear’s electrically stimulated current emergence of repressed emotional distress—that was quite a mouthful!
And now, as a gorgeous sunset is upon us, as though God is actively painting the desert sky-scape, above, breathtaking hues ranging from hot pink to burnt orange, grazing the peaks of purple mountain majesties, I can be seen swaying back and forth on my well padded, two-seater, back patio swing, gazing upward in hopes of spying The Bard soaring overhead while engaged in thoughtful discourse with his sidekick, The Sage, but alas, all I can see (I mean feel) is the breeze whistling through the leaves of my grapefruit tree as if imparting two words of existential encouragement into my ear—Know Thyself—and knowing my thoughts to be on the same wavelength of The Bard, The Sage, and Henry James for quite some time, I, feeling sound reason to smile, believe that soon, the rocky nature of my current emotional turmoil will quiet inside my head—at least for a spell ... why? Well, each time my processor openly acknowledges yet another deeply repressed emotional pain coupling with today’s sense of positively focused courage and tolerant patience with inner conflict concerning stepping toward the great unknown, I gain an ever heightening awareness of the fact that I’d experienced more than my fair share of confounded desperation during childhood and managed to thrive rather than seeing myself as survivor, and with that deeper truth floating brightly through the forefront of my neocortex, my connection to self respect multiplies exponentially, suggesting my absorption of just cause for my repressed guilt-ridden self estimation to continue to change for the better—and thus has today’s insight-laden intuitive train of thought spotlighted the primary concern of my existential quest as having been directly related to my need to acknowledge those times when decreasing feelings of latent physical pain (whether lodged inside my head, throat, chest, stomach or leg) rely upon my calm, clear intuitive intelligence to emerge ever more courageously whenever instinct releases a subconsciously repressed terrifying moment on my personal time that my forward focus (concerning emotionally maturity) feels readied to identify and confront, head-on, so as to relieve heightened degrees of repressed mental unrest in need of conscious reveal. Whew!
As clarifying today’s train of thought for myself challenged my current mental capacity to advance yet another rung up the ladder of emotional maturity, I can’t even begin to convey how challenged I feel whenever my think tank is actively specifying which words will hopefully most clearly convey my innermost feelings, thus disclosing current changes for the better relating to the highly complex, interconnected functionalities of my whole brain’s good health to you and to me, too!
And if you ask, Annie, why doth that inner need choose to turn the spotlight of insight upon itself so often, my improved attitudes, concerning self esteem would intuitively reply: Nothing stimulates my connection to mental intrigue as does the multi-functional nature of the human brain caught in the act of healing itself by advancing toward confronting (rather than dodging and and weaving away from) denial’s repressed pain based in a lifetime pattern of PTSD, which proves as difficult to recover from as is true of the drug addict, determined to successfully undergo withdrawal in rehab—and as PTSD accompanies me wherever I go, the more I choose to heal my sense of self respect the more grateful I’ll feel about my good fortune to note that this brain of mine, which also accompanies me everywhere I go, grows ever more consciously capable of identifying expunging repressed pain, suggesting that wherever you feel need to go, you, like me, never need feel fear of losing your hold on your existential self, thus abandoning yourself to the misjudgments of others—and with that ‘peace’ of personal KNOW(thyself)LEDGE fueling my long range goal of being led by the healthy portion of my consciously recovering mind, my soul’s inner peace remains stoked much more often with stockpiles of positive focus as I continue to age, feeling younger than springtime ... and if you’re assuming that I had a conscious clue of airing today’s insight-driven train of thought before it poured naturally out of my soulful attitude, word by word, all on its own, may I respectfully suggest that you seriously consider consulting with the depths of your think tank’s determination to absorb thoughts that may differ from your own ...
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