HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? FOREVER!

“If you cross the border unlawfully, then we will prosecute you. It’s that simple,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions said ... . “If you are smuggling a child, then we will prosecute you. And that child may be separated from you, as required by law.”

A law in need of change, just as was true of laws that had—
Forbidden freedom to those heartlessly enslaved as property
Condoned children being torn from anguished enslaved parents
Forbidden the vote to women
Incarcerated Japanese families during WWII
Forbidden interracial marriage
Forbidden gay marriage
Forbidden right to choose
Forbidden the equality of human beings in any way

Evidently, former Obama official liberal activists shared photos from
2014 of immigrant children sleeping in a locked cage at a detention facility.

Whaaat???
 How long has this national travesty against children been going on?

This information does not lessen trump’s crimes against humanity

It just reminds us to ask—What else don’t we know, today?

Because what we don’t know may not hurt us, right now, but
It’s certainly hurting others!

And that, my friends, is what has historically been in need of
Change most of all—this concept of ‘Others’ that
Separates ‘us’ from conscientiously acknowledging 
The pain of all human beings as being the same throughout
Time, immemorial, which is why I choose to be
My brother’s keeper until my heartfelt energy passes out in

Dire need of mental, emotional and physical rest so as to
Recoup and arise refreshed to resume carrying those whose
Wounds prove greater than mine off of
Today’s mine fields until leadership throughout
The world grows so wise as to stop threatening to blow

This planet, which sustains one and all, to smithereens—
World leaders who act like like two year olds, kicking and
Screaming over sharing a toy are in need of being carried to
Time out by adults whose heightened levels of
Emotional maturity maintain self control when facing
The negatively focused, immature side of human nature, which
Creating mayhem that heats up, busts loose and
Runs rampant cold heartedly over inequalities that are always
Evident between the haves and have nots until young angry gangs

Form, feeling need to empower themselves to
Express suppressed rage in violent ways, one of which
Proves to be drive by shootings, and each time
The innocent are injured or killed—who must hold
Himself accountable for the lyrics of hard rock and
Rap knocking the selfish stupor out of the HAVES as
Each next hungry generation of Have Nots feels
Compelled to reawaken inequality’s battle cry, which
We need to grow attentive to in time for justice to save
Human life from perishing in whatever riotous
Revolution is brewing itself into an inferno, today, and
Judging from how hard it has been for
Forward looking thinkers (who actively consider
History repeating itself from one generation to the next)
To pull the bell shaped curve on the historical time line
Forward in infinitesimal increments, that reality makes me ask—
How many centuries of senseless strife lie ahead before
Parents and teachers, the world over, are empowered with
 Positive Discipline Techniques and Effective Communication Skills
(Which have been available for over sixty years) so as to
Inspire children at home and in school to absorb and maintain
A heightened sense of logic-based problem-solving skills when
Differences in needs arise, thus permeating
The brains of young leadership here, there, everywhere with
Need for round table discussions concerning generosity of
Spirit wherever we go?  If only Dr Seuss has thought to
Illustrate a picture book on this topic, perhaps we’d not
Find ourselves in such a pickle, today—and that, my friends
Leads us to the question at hand—What part will
You choose to play in today’s theater of life?

Will thee be one of the nay sayers, whose blinders
Earmuffs and blusters pull the bell shape curve
Back in time? Or are you one of countless
Fearful individuals, seeking impermanent
Safety by huddling anonymously

Amongst the herded sheep who make up

The middle bulge of the bell shaped curve?
Or are you at one with the movers and shakers, who

Have come to fear the UNrocked boat, anchored
Overlong in stagnant waters, so much as to

Stand free of the maddening crowd and
Hold hands with those courageous

Souls who, spanning the spectrum of

Humanity, pull together so harmonically as to

Rock boats without capsizing the ark that harbors
Us all so as to lead the whole messy shebang of
Human history forward toward a future shoreline where

Mankind will be consistently encouraged to
Persistently believe in need to work in tandem toward
Creating and fortifying this positively focused
Philosophical reality:  Wherever anarchy is
Lashing out, heartlessly stomping upon
Anguished tears of pain, today, the sunny side of
Human nature will come out to
Kiss the tears of children dry with proactively
Protective acts of loving kindness based in
Compassion over ruling ignorance, tomorrow—
As for me—tomorrow can’t come soon enough—I mean
When did our first rate nation stumble into acting like
A third world country that’s in dire need of educating
Our populous about emotional intelligence?  Oh, you say—
That’s nothing new!  Yes!  I’d reply—my point exactly!
Trump’s dictatorship has simply unearthed man’s
Brainwashed inhumanity to man, yet again!
Honestly—if I didn’t believe wholeheartedly in
Every word that my intuitive powers feel compelled to
Send into cyberspace as my processor runs back and
Forth across the historical time line, detailing
The bigger picture of history’s cyclical ignorance
Repeating itself beginning with the clan of
The cave bears who’d clubbed each other as well as
Enemy tribes over the head for dominance based in
Believing that the survival of the fittest suggests
Victors are empowered to pillage, rape, enslave and
Reign supreme over those more vulnerable with
No consideration for cyclical consequences, which are
Always forthcoming—I’d go stark raving mad—and
As you may recall, my very first post declared quite
Clearly that going crazy was not my style, and as

Many of my subconsciously adopted, deeply repressed
Self degrading attitudes have experienced sound reason to
Change for the better, over time, the intuitive nature of
My current host of inner strengths, fortifying my connection to
Positive focus, remains staunchly unchanged, today

And thus does my rewired, self assertive voice show up

On your screen as though to ring this fire alarm until

You wake up!  Smell the coffee burning! And join in on

A round table discussion before consequences based in

Blindness and deafness and ignorance have hurt

Our generation as deeply as has been true of
Every generation that came before, barring none, and with
Today’s intuitive train of thought, enriched with insights too
Ripe to leave on the vine for even one more second,
Please join me in holding our entire nation
Responsible for electing congressmen and women whose
Intelligence will create laws that serve to
Unite us through education rather than electing those who
Continue to separate leadership into warring camps, and then

Together, we can raise the next generation to begin to
Tackle the gargantuan feat of holding
The United Nations accountable for uniting for real by

Setting a high value upon meeting the common needs of
Humanity as a whole, at long last!

And if you scoff at my ideals holding hands with reality then

Rather than joining the naysayers, let’s remember that each time

We shoot for the moon, together, we take another vital step forward for

Mankind as a WHOLE whereas divided we fail, and as today’s
Train of thought pinpoints the positive the focus of my long range
Goal concerning educating our young, that’s a wrap for right now

WORKING TO RE-ESTABLISH EMOTIONAL BALANCE IS AN ON-GOING PROCESS

So here I am
In our car riding alongside of
Will, who’s driving us back to
The desert from the west coast where
We enjoyed the past five days with
Our immediate family and many extended
Family members as well as dear friends who had
A ball at the costumed 70’s birthday bash that we
Threw for Barry’s fiftieth (whaat?!) birthday
(Photos to follow)
Barry and I were voted best costumes, and
Guess what our groovy first prizes were?
Disco lessons!  Far out!
Actually, back in the day, Will and I, along with
Several couples, enjoyed disco lessons during
The seventies when Vinnie Barbarino challenged
The Fonz as to whose swagger won as being
All the rage of that Teeny bopper’s TV craze—
At any rate, Will, garbed (and wigged) in black and white
(Travolta ala Saturday Night Fever)  and I (Cher) kept
Our groove on throughout Barry’s Bash until
The disc jockey played today’s version of Goodnight Ladies—
However if the truth be told, the next day saw
My head literally bobbing, zombie-like, eyes at
Half mast, body feeling as beaten up as if
I’d been a Rockette replacing Rocky in the ring ...
On the other hand, I must admit that‘Being Alive’ to
The tenth degree was worth the pain sustained while
Feeling as free as a dancing queen, the night before—
May The Force Be With You
And The Pink Ladies, too
Cha cha cha!

Oh wait—Have I mentioned that during our last sojourn on the coast
Over spring break, our family convened in a condo near the beach?
That’s when Will was diagnosed with Bell’s palsy and
My back went out, cutting our merriment short—thank goodness
Both physical conditions with emotional overtones cleared up
Over time—As to this week’s fun fest, my think tank spent
Quiet moments of contemplation injecting additional
Insights into Skyline, right up until today, and—Thankfully
My enjoyment of our family celebration served to match
Moments of angst, which I’d mollified by processing thoughts of
trump being ousted from The Oval Office after being
Legally tried, convicted and incarcerated, at long last, for
Inhumane actions perpetrated against innocent children ...
Or was it tax fraud?
Or sexual assault?
Or illegal political intrigue?
Or all of the above
As if crimes against children is not enough.
I mean, it’s absurd to think of lawmakers supporting
A President whose braggadocios emotional abuse of
Children is undeniably acknowledged throughout
The world at large unless you happen to be abusive in
One way or another, yourself, as in those lawmakers or
Revered members of the clergy or coaches or
Teachers or scout masters or uncles or neighbors or perps who
Drive around school yards grabbing up the most vulnerable
Members of society in broad daylight from sidewalks into
Cars and vans so as to secretly ‘get off’ while
Abusing boys and girls—did we really elect (rather than
Incarcerate) a perp to the highest office of the land, knowing that
He’d cheated on business deals and wives—knowing that
He’d invaded a dressing room filled with
Unclothed teen aged beauties—knowing that he’d fngered
Women indescriminately beneath their skirts during
Public functions—knowing that he’d broadcast
His sordid abuse of women and girls, live, on TV, and though he’d
Locked up thousands of terrified children in cages like
Prisoners of war, he is still supported by millions?  Impossible!
Not in our country, right?  But he did it—and got away with it—
All of it—while we watched, aghast, at home—like
Germans watching, horror struck, while their neighbors were not
Just roughed up and deported but heartlessly rounded up at
Gunpoint by the SS, whose tightly leashed
German Shepherds, growling menacingly, strained to lunge at
Command upon the tender flesh of young mothers clutching
Screaming babies, fathers holding toddlers protectively close
Terrified teens, clinging to grandparents, all being driven out of
Their homes into the street where, herded like livestock they
We’re prodded by rifles into boxcars, where, crammed as
Tightly together as cattle being hauled off to
The slaughter house, they stood—no food, water, toilets on
Board —making my head, aching with human misery, ask—
How long will we, like the Germans, act like mindless zombies, too?

Just pulled into our garage and
As long as my headache and I make it through
The door leading from garage into laundry room without
Stumbling humbly over the stoop, we’ll have
Made it home from Barry’s birthday bash, safe and
Sound in record time!
Cha cha cha???

Is it any wonder why I, being a Jewess, feel
Thankful for my grandparents’ decision to
Emigrate from persecution in Eastern Europe
Before Hitler’s regime rose to power—
The real question being why does one, who
Feels so grateful for my life also feel need to
Down migraine strength Excedrin, every day, over
These past three months?  Is my frustration with
trump being in office growing intolerable?  Not because
I fear for my family’s safekeeping as is true of so
Many throughout our nation, today,  but because
No matter how you doctor it, inner conflict between
Joy and unrelieved frustration is a bitch ...so though
I seek balance, reality suggests that peace of mind will
Not be mine until that conflict finds a middle ground
Where personal growth spurts are propelled less
By readiness to handle emotional eruptions of
Latent pain with heightened levels of maturity intact
More by today’s self respectful evaluation of
Where I’ve been, where I’ve come to and where I plan to
Take myself, next ... BTW—I saw the neurologist, today, for
A follow up visit after my EEG of several weeks back, and
Unfortunately all is not well, so I’ll be scheduled for an MRI and
A battery of diagnostic tests, and as that’s all I know for now
I’ll keep you abreast of results as they come in ....

SKYLINE

Yup
No doubt about it
Over these past several days, while
My inner detective has felt need to plug into
A refueling station, my last train of thought has been
Adding details enriching the shipment of
Insights stowed within cars that have continued to
Couple up until today when intuition engineered
My processor’s decision to switch tracks away from writing about
Those who’ve absorbed heightened levels of
Leadership skills necessary to turn our national focus toward
A track where change for the better considers
The mental, emotional, physical, social, financial and spiritual
Well-being of all who’ve stepped foot on our shores with
Naught but family in tow hoping to chug forward toward
Creating a wholesome life in a land where open mindedness
Welcomes people of all ages, colors and religious preferences to
Unite so humanely as to honor each other’s basic need for
Safety as clearly detailed within the inalienable rights of
The Declaration of Independence and
The Constitution of the United States of America—
You see, our national spirit cannot be united until
All individuals, whose ancestors chose to rebuild their lives on
Our soil, honor the basic needs of newcomers as matching
Their own—BTW—if you choose to backtrack so as to
Review insights added to my previous train of thought
Please be certain to turn that train of thought sideways (literally)
So as to see the city skyline that will manifest on
The right hand margin as if to say: Imagine the expansive
Nature of thirteen colonies growing into countless
Major metropolis’s from coast to coast in which people from round
The world consider our nation to be the safe haven in which
To raise their young to aspire to become worthy citizens of
The USA, where each child, working earnestly in school toward
Achieving the upward mobility that accompanies
Inalienable ‘rights’ of citizenship, is likened to both of
My parents, who accompanied their parents in
Steerage across the ocean, who, upon docking ship, were
Seen bowing their heads in grateful supplication to
The Lady in The Harbor, whose Torch of Freedom continues to
Burn so brightly (more than one hundred years later) as to warmly
Welcome every heart filled with hopes of experiencing
Freedom, liberty, kindness and compassion for all—I mean seriously
Let’s take note of the fact that the human heart beating within
Every breast is no different in color, creed, nationality or
Religious belief from any other, and just as human hearts do not
Discriminate between being the life force that pumps
Nourishment throughout the body of a blue eyed blond or
A brown eyed brunette, every child of God, whose parents, seeking
Asylum within our borders from mental, emotional, physical and
Economic cruelties, arrives in desperate need of guidance and
Support rather than imprisonment during life’s most challenging
Times, suggesting that any snake in the grass as slippery as trump, whose
Forked tongue tears parents and children apart, expressly to herd
Innocent lambs, by the thousands, into metal cages where
Terrified babes are locked in like livestock, deserves to be
Incarcerated himself, and right after that logical consequence
Concerning trump’s insanely inhumane behavior seemed every bit as
Justifiable as is locking up any maniac who chooses to
Kidnap and cage one little girl or boy in the basement of his
House of horrors—I have to ask—How in Hell is trump’s
Horrific display of stone cold, maniacal heartlessness still
Lording it over all of us in The Oval Office?  Are his
Senseless indecencies so horrific in nature as to overwhelm
The logical portions of lawmakers’ brains as though they’ve been
Shot in the head with a stun gun so often as to be rendered
Unconscious concerning the number of unconscionable acts
Against mankind that trump continually trumps up?
And with that question pumping fury throughout my entire being
My processor switches tracks from the thug who outsmarts
Us so pathetically that we can’t figure out how to dispose of
This diabolical criminal legally (Whaaat?  Seriously??) toward
Visualizing The Eternal Flame at Arlington, a place of
National holiness where regardless of color or religious belief
All who have fallen in defense of national freedoms are respectfully
Laid to rest, and as today’s insight driven intuitive train of thought
Reflects back over a courageous young woman named Jacqueline
Igniting that flame during her greatest time of personal anguish
The intuitive portion of my mind leaps, once again, toward
Embracing the minds of philosophers,psychologists and
Scribes, who, throughout the ages are revered for piecing together
Detailed ‘bigger pictures’ of human progress inching across
The historical timeline in 3D in hopes of inspiring each next
Generation of youth to grow toward creating incremental
Changes for the better most especially in concurrence with
Raising tomorrow’s children to value compassion and kindness over
Egocentric greed before heir brief sojourn on Planet Hollywood turns
Planet Earth into yet another blazing inferno of a disaster movie rather than
Scripting a heartfelt family oriented romcom filled with ups and
Downs culminating with the classic happy ending that every child’s
Innocent red blooded heart longs to grow up to call his/her own ...
PS
If you choose to review the train of thought immediately preceding
This one, penned today, then afterward, please remember to
Turn it on its side, because in order to grasp the deeper meaning of
Every aspect of life and love that seems just beyond reach requires
Each of us taking a series of courageous leaps of faith beyond our emotional
Comfort zones, thus developing a chorus line made up of
Self assertive voices ringing out with the necessity of holding
Ourselves accountable for making our way through classically
Difficult personal growth spurts, which may not please
The deafening rebuffs of everyone who demands that you and I stop
Rocking row boats that cycle round and round within
Stagnant murky ponds, and thus are we, whose spirits choose to pull
The bell shaped curve of mediocrity forward on
The historical time line forced to string together cocoons in which
Inter-related insights inspire the crawling nature of caterpillars to
Morph quietly into butterflies until their wingspans expand yesterday’s
Narrow point of view to match a much more mind broadening
Bird’s eye view that soars toward straining to achieve such
Mental heights above the norm as to naturally feel need to develop
A self assertive voice that sees way beyond the little which had
Previously been seen and heard when a mindset remained
Woodenly rooted within such a small plot of ground as to have
Mistaken the merry-go-round that each of us is on
As being all there is to life and love, when in truth, reality
Suggests that—Rather than being one of the riders,p
Your earmuffs and blinders (like mine) continued to deny
Your conscious awareness access to the wide angled
Lens necessary to absorb the classic nature of this next
Deeper truth—All along, we’ve been someone’s
Work horse, suggesting that someone’s been riding us to
Do their bidding so as to meet their needs while dismissing our own
Suggesting why our ups and downs are most often based in being
Led to water but no matter the depth of our thirst, no one has
Yet expanded our narrow minded attitudes to change for
The better so that when those holding our reins lift their
Half full cups and clink, exclaiming—Cheers!  We remain
Rooted in the dark at the leaky end of the trough at a loss as to
What in the world needs to change concerning our attitude, which
Sees little to feel cheerful about as long as blinders remain in place
Until the blessed day arises when seeds, planted within
Your life force and mine give rise to fragile seedling, which
Stem from deeper truths that make sense of nonsense that can
No longer drive us half way to crazy, because group think
Can no longer inhibit our self assertive voices from courageously
Thinking for ourselves no matter how often mediocrity closes ranks in
Their unsuccessful attempts to aim at our vulnerabilities so as to
Make us feel undeservedly guilty for prioritizing our needs not
Over theirs but on the same plane as theirs, at long last!
And though the fragile new growth of stems of
Self assertiveness will remain in need of stakes until
Inner sensations of personal need for mind expansion
Takes root (thus motivating each one of us from
Deep within to lead oneself to cast off our blinders and
Earmuffs so as to set our sights away from mountains of
Prejudice toward the screen door leading toward claiming
A seat at the round table that draws our smarts to place
Our spiked hiking boots aside so as to take our rightful place
Amongst leadership whose we’ll educated think tanks can freely
Replace the heavy yoke of our inner work horse with
Strings of translucent pearls of wisdom as
We choose to participate in discourse with those whose
Open-minded, positively focused
Experientially skilled roles of responsible leadership have
Naturally embraced the personal inclination to take
Mankind under their wingspan, which naturally includes
All of God’s children in need of believing that sound reason exists to
Raise their young to respect each other’s differences while lifting
Half full glasses so as to toast to the kind of Life
Lived in a nation in which WE choose to LOVE one other
Not defensively and thus mean-mindedly but
Generously and indiscriminately—thus whole-heartedly, BELIEVING that
A despicable person such as trump consistently proves to be will find
Himself incarcerated for inhumane crimes committed against mankind, and
Once notre tour de force est un fete du complete, the sun will come out—tomorrow!
L’Chaim!

HENRY JAMES DROPS BY WITH JOE BIDEN—WHAAAT???

Incredible!
Here I am, making reference to my buddy, Henry
(Earlier in the week) when who should
Literally drop by on my front lawn just before
I go out to pick up the paper , this morning?
Henry's brother, William—renown psychologist and
Philosopher—honored as one of early twentieth century’s
Most prominent liberals, and I think to myself
How could such a miracle happen in such a timely fashion?
Oh wait!  If you believe that angels have
Supersonic Hearing so as to go where they’re most needed then
I’ll bet my pal, Henry—upon hearing that his brother, Bill (not to be
Confused with my husband Will or The Bard) planned to
Wing on down to see how twenty-first century liberals were
Faring—chose to tag along in hopes of encouraging one of
Yesteryear’s most eminent political liberals to honor me with
A visit, and being that Henry has a way with words, Bill landed on
My front lawn in the esteemed company of
Columnist Michael Gerson, who has recently been seen
Hanging out on The Opinions page of my daily newspaper
As you can imagine, I happily invite my guests in for
A cup of ‘joe’. (See what surfaces once my brain is
Given down time from diving into the darker depths of
My past—my sense of humor—which keeps my super serious
Inner detective entertained while my think tank
Relaxes tension that coils up each time strings of inter-related
Insights are channeling laboriously through darkness toward daylight)
At any rate, once Henry accomplishes his mission, he tosses me
A wink and begs his leave mumbling something about
Not being late for a very important date as The Bard’s casting call for
His most recent heaven sent revival is, today, and try outs are
About to get started, up above (I mean, what did you think?
That angels just flit around saving people from disparaging themselves?
No Siree!  Angels have many talents that remained undeveloped
During their brief sojourn on Earth, and now that
Hurrying and scurrying is a thing of his past, Henry has chosen to
Compete against Socrates for the part of Puck, figuring that
If a little guy like Rooney could be convincing in that
Role just imagine the impact of a literary giant!)  Anyhow,
Henry has tired of his lifetime of serious plot lines
And, feeling hot to leap into a new line of work with both feet, he
Having felt need to closet his true sexual orientation throughout
His lifetime, believes that immersion within one of
The Bard’s farces may offer his spirit a much needed
Lift, so, choosing to take a huge leap of faith, up he goes into
The wild blue yonder leaving Gerson to introduce himself and
Bill to me (unaware that I’d made Bill’s acquaintance in more than
One biography dedicated to the life and literary genius of
His kid brother, Henry). Upon leading these two toward
My kitchen table where both are comfortably seated, I happily
Pour steaming hot cups of ‘Joe’, all around, while finding myself
Thirsting to drink in Gerson’s study of Bill (as a brilliant scientist, whose
Spirit’s transparency illuminates sound reason for me to agree with
His belief that “Evolution had left humanity with an appetite for
Heroic exertion and aggression that made history (in
Bill’s own words) ‘a bath of blood’”
As Bill did not expect to hear his words echoing
Throughout my kitchen, he reddens a bit before attempting
To lighten up a conversation headed straight for
The dark side by saying:  If I was alive, today
My support of a “reign of peace and some sort of
A socialistic equilibrium” would likely cast me as—but
Before he can finish his train of thought
Gerson beats him to the punchline—you’d be
“The 246th Democratic Presidential Candidate, today ...!”
Clearly, these two are birds of a feather, perching upon
The same mental wavelength, though Bill’s spirit has had to
Fly from yesteryear’s point on the historical timeline straight
Across more than a century to land at the exact spot that
Pinpoints today—I mean, it's only smart to zoom back and forth when
Historical scholars, acknowledging that two heads are better than
One, converse in hopes of gaining an ever deepening
Perspective of yesteryear's domino affect upon
Cultural, societal, and political developments in need of
Insight laden change for the better, today
As for me, I yearn to contribute to their conversation, but
My processor has not yet stopped reeling from feeling
Thunderstruck at being in the company of these brainiacs until
Finally, much to my relief, I ‘find’ my self assertive voice
Conversing ever more securely than ever before with
Minds that thrive while engaging freely in
Discourse concerning ideas that exist on the same
Political wavelength as mine until Bill, conjuring up
trump inside his mind, suggests our need to consider that—
“Showing ... irrationality and horror  is fascinating”
Once I hear his take on human nature, my mouth
Opens so as to freely disagree—irrationality and
Horror are most certainly not fascinating to me!
In fact, there's very little in life that I find more abhorrent than
Both of those aberrant states of mind, which so often lead to
Spousal and child abuse—at that point, Bill, nodding
Gravely in agreement, goes on to say “... war is
The strong life in extremis...thousands of years of
Peace won’t breed it out of us.”
I’m about to bring up both sides of human nature when
Gerson interjects with, “This presents liberals with a challenge—
Denying this human reality is irrational ...”
At this, I consider Bill’s impassioned response—
“Where is the savage yes and no ... the unconditional
Duty ... the conscription ... liberalization needs better
Substitutes for glory and shame”
Hey! I hear my impassioned voice pipe up—what of
A collective vision of civic passion?
What? blurts out Gerson, I just quoted those very words as
Attributed to the depths of Bill’s perceptiveness!
Hmmm, I reply, feeling my spirit deflate—guess I must
Have read, absorbed and digested those words so wholly in
Your column, today, as to have mistaken them as my own.
And with that said, I apologize profusely, knowing that
A writer’s words are much more than his/her main source of
Livelihood—in fact, scribes copy write their words before
Releasing them on loan to the world at large, being that
Every pearl released has been labored over from within
The inner sanctum of ‘their’ souls.
Thank goodness, Bill, who must have taken Henry’s
Sensitivity to heart concerning the harshness with which
The self disparaging side of human nature whips
Our personal sense of dignity so sharply as to morph into
Humiliation that festers so painfully as to feel utterly raw—
I say this, because the brother of my favorite author helps me to
Remove my hair shirt followed by salving my oozing
Embarrassment with these soothing words:  I’m honored to
Know that your think tank unconsciously pilfered a vision as
Being your own that was actually mine, and as
Bill’s humility summons my own, I find my smile, which
Swallows up all sensations of burning humiliation that
Threatened to overwhelm my smarts, and
In addition to gratitude, I feel relieved that
Bill didn't tack ‘little lady’ on at the end, because gallantry or not
Had he 'patted me on the head', my restored sense of self respect
Would have taken a direct hit, leaving me no choice other than to
Challenge him to a gender based duel of the wits, and
Glancing around the table with objectivity intact, I surmise that
At my processor's present level of working laboriously to
Give birth to strings of pearls until my think tank runs out of
Steam suggests that the experiential set of
Intuitive powers gathered at my table has very likely
Climbed many rungs above my own, so thank goodness
My prideful ego is saved, first by humility dousing humiliation and
Then by my back door bell!  Upon rising from my chair, who should
I spy standing there, looking like Mr. Brooks Brothers himself, but—
Joe Biden, sporting a look of chagrin on his face that matches mine
And within the next minute or two, his seamless apology sweeps
Mine into the past as he wisely cuts to the chase, acknowledging that
Considering the sorry state of today’s world, we have no time to
Spare on chit chat, so without any hesitation, Joe admits to
Cutting across my back lawn while striding toward
The walking path connecting hikers with the mountain trail seen
Rising, directly behind my house, and when I ask—what's with
The well tailored suit and silk tie, he, holding onto his hiking
Boots by their laces, shakes his head and
Replies—I know.  I know.  So much to accomplish, so little
Time to costume myself appropriately for every activity
Throughout the day—I can exercise in a suit but not stand at
A podium, looking presidential in sweats, and without wasting
So much as a second, Joe suggests that while making his way
Across my back yard, his antenna picked up on our
Titivating conversation filtering through my screen door
And feeling compelled to hear more, he waved his entourage
Ahead—sooo, as everything he said made as much sense to me as
Finding The James brothers and Gerson on my front lawn when
I’d gone out to pick up my morning paper, naturally, I invite
Joe to take a seat at our round table, hoping to offer him
The same degree of human graciousness as had been evidenced
Within his dignified apology to me for eavesdropping, and since
My smile says—think no more about a piercing mantle of guilt adding
Weight to whatever pains your spirit, because guilt trips are not my thing—
I'm honored to offer you a cup of joe, Joe––and judging from
His facial expression, it’s plain to see that Biden feels as eager to
Jump right into our conversation at the exact point where our
Discussion had been placed on pause, so once he sits down with his
Hiking boots stowed neatly on the floor neath his chair
Our presidential hopeful’s first words are directed
Toward Bill (whose objectivity has clearly experienced
Historical hindsight from the heavenly perspective of
A bird's eye view)—So, Bill, any suggestion as to where
We go from here would be deeply appreciated—however before
William James can respond, Michael Gerson chimes in with, "trump
(As you may recall, the depths of my ire rebels against dignifying
The donald's serious lack of leadership skills by refusing to capitalize
His name) had tapped into deep rivers of pugnacity and aggression” to which
Bill, head swinging between Gerson and Biden, replies to us all, we need
“The moral equivalent of war”and with an affirmative nod of his head
The columnist goes on to surmise that trump’s “bluster and arrogance could
Easily lead America into the martial equivalent of war...”
As for me, though I’m quick to agree with all three, I do not
Consider myself so politically quick witted when pitted against
This trio as to do more than paraphrase Biden (or was it
Gerson), who said that trump’s Moral Hypocrisies have
Led his political opponents to crash into a quandary—
Based in the fact that a return to normalcy takes us
No place better than that which has been our
National experience ever since a tragic rash of
Dynamic political leaders were murdered in
 Cold blood—Next thing I know (without a shadow of doubt)
GERSON jumps in with, “... he (trump) has weaponized
Resentments against outsiders in the manner of
A militarist ...  conjures images of America being
Invaded by dark skinned murderers and rapists ...
Opposing trump’s dark magic with a return to
Normalcy and sanity ... will need to equal trump’s
Emotive appeal with a fighting faith—a message of
Civic passion, moral duty, shared sacrifice and
National honor.”  Whew!  Gerson certainly has
A way of igniting impassioned reactions with his
Choice of words!  As you can imagine, word choices
Leaping back and forth across my kitchen table continue to
Inflame everyone’s natural passion for
Change for the better ASAP, so no one
Cares when coffee, cooling in half full cups, runs
Cold; in fact, suddenly, Biden’s fist strikes
My Corian table while his next insight fuels our fires even more—
“He (trump) set out a battle for the soul of this nation”
As the profundity of Biden’s battle cry sinks into
Long term memory, I turn to confer privately with Gerson, based in
The fact that my processor thirsts for more of
The columnist’s deeply considered angst-quenching perceptions
And once again he does not disappoint, so with bated breath
I hang on to his every word, which proves to be an artfully
Woven tapestry of Biden quotes—“To demonstrate that trump’s
Four years are an ‘aberrant moment’ ... to ensure that
‘Everyone is treated with dignity’ ... to reassert our
‘Core values’ ... ‘to remember who we are’—
—That is our mission impossible, right? I interject—
RIGHT! Roars ‘the left’, and during the calm following
That sudden electrical storm,  the columnist makes
Sound use of his oratory platform, yet again, as would
A statesman, introducing the next
Democratic presidential candidate to the nation at
Large as if to say—Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s hear it for
Joe Biden—who, more so than any other individual of
Either gender has been personally,  professionally and
Experientially readied to  “Essentially ...Make America Decent again”—
Then Gerson wraps up his personal take on our nation’s most
Pressing need by locking eyes with the most recent addition to
Our round table discussion, saying—“Biden faces a difficult
Rhetorical and substantive challenge” and with the viewpoint of
The columnist clarified, Gerson and Biden consult
Their watches, simultaneously, because—well
There’s a gargantuan task ahead of the latter, and
As to the former, we all know the stresses of
Modern day time constraints—as for Bill, he glances
Upward, feeling an intuitive chill pass through
Him, as though a bud, up above, has been messaging
Need of his presence, and that leaves me, who has had
Unpacking to complete, having left it undone after returning from
Nashville, where Will and I (not to be confused
With William James or The Bard) had enjoyed a harmonic good
Ole fashioned knee slapp’in, foot stomp’in ghee-tar strumm’in time
After checking into a quintessential bed and breakfast, where
Southern hospitality welcomed us along with
Two couples, treasured friends from college—Hee Haw!
As to why my unpacking was left undone?  A combination of
Priorities and Fatigue—my foremost priority being a play date
With Ravi, whom I’d not seen for several days, and fatigue, based in
My advancing age, offering me reason to place organization aside in
Favor of recharging my spirit by plugging my heartfelt pleasure into
My four year old grand daughter’s endless supply of
Youthful exuberance for all aspects of life, so if you ask how
The remainder of my morning fared (before fetching Ravi at
Preschool at noon) after having experienced such an auspicious start, today—
Well, spending time with positively focused, strong spirited, high minded
Compatriots who feel as impassioned as do I about erasing trump’s
Sordid imprint from ceiling to floor, wall to wall to
Wall to wall, being careful not to miss even
One inch while cleansing our deeply revered
Oval Office of any hint of his 'baffoonist' attitudes (which
Precede decisions and behaviors) so effectively that Red Hats will
Ashamedly be trashed along with Midas’s tweets inspired my
Spirit’s self respect to take that leap of fate necessary to stand, shoulder to
Shoulder with giants without so much as a hint of darkly clouded
Self belittling Insignificance inhibiting my voice from asserting itself, and
As my belief in Biden’s ability to fill his hiking boots with
The inner strengths necessary to climb that mountain, so as to boot
trump from The Oval Office in time to save our nation from tumbling
Even further into hatred’s bottomless abyss where unresolved indecencies
Fester, on and on and on proves to be the result of my having listened
Intently to this morning’s round table discussion, I can visualize
Tomorrow’s deeply determined, unanimous plan of action (though
Quite a feat to pull off) as growing into the reality of a grassroots
Movement, sweeping across our nation like a California wildfire that’s
Ignited with a match, so if you know me at all, surely you harbor
No Doubt of the fact that The Plan Maker who resides within
My processor and believes in Leaps of Faith concerning
The positive side of human nature prevailing over the dark side, I
Feeling as if the sun will come out tomorrow, am glad to say—
Thank goodness I read The Opinions page in my daily newspaper
Today, where Michael Gerson’s piece inspired my s think tank to
Jump start its positive attitude while sipping a deeply satisfying
Cup of joe, thus inspiring my spirit to feel every bit as up beat
Throughout the rest of the day as had been true
While my processor’s imagination kept time with today’s
Harmonic quartet, whose insight laden lyrics had strummed
Away at my heartstrings (LOL!). Well, will you look at that!
Humor attests to my wearied mind resting peaceably much more than
Stressing subconsciously, and that’s change for the better, being that
trump, who hires thugs with beady little eyes and elf sized ears to
See and hear everything that relates back to him, got wind of this
Morning’s impromptu tête-à-tê, and being Commander and Chief of
Air Force One (still?) his yellow hair was seen flying in
An unswirling fashion all about his blow hard head while
His hot winded angst banged furiously against
My front door, unleashing the unruly nature of this low browed
Egomaniac, who millions elected to rule over us, one and all, and
Here he stands on my front stoop, hollering, stamping and throwing
Yet another two year old tantrum, no matter that all of his blustering
Huffing and puffing, like the big bad wolf he is, gets him nothing
Other than a beet red face until his egocentric fury at being utterly
Ignored is seen spinning on its heel, head down, bully style, so as to
Plow his horns into the hot air balloon shaped just like his buffoonish
Cartoonish self while today’s irrational President of the USA,
Tweeting of his limbic egocentricities, ends the spectacle of
Hypocrisy's rise to power into cyberspace where
Hopefully, trump's negatively focused, mean minded, widespread
Derogatory attitudes, which degrade human dignity while grinding
Universal kindness under his heavy boot will crash head on into
The strength of Biden’s re-energized, regenerative positively focused
Lightsaber that wields such sensational Jedi force when combined with
Like minds as to see the monumental clash of today’s titans actually
Split the atom anew, with this caveat:  Rather than blowing up
Two cities filled with innocent families, we'll leash and muzzle trump while
Releasing storytellers to freely cycle the globe in hopes of expanding
Wholesome attitudes,here, there, everywhere, while Gandhi, being classically
Renown as the world class, self empowered pacifist who brought
The British Empire to its knees, smiles down from on high, one srm
Draped casually around the transparent shoulder of
Henry’s brother, Bill, encouraging his friend to make haste, because
The tryouts were delayed, and the next drama upon the world stage
Has yet to begin, and just as I am tidying up my kitchen, having folded
The morning newspaper upon itself, Your friend, Annie, feels
The spirit of humanistic authority ask Will James— Any chance that
“Be the change you hope for the world” is catching on, at last?
To that, my friend, BJ, replies:  Seems sparse at best, and yet
I’m told that positively focused leadership keeps tweeting
Your wise choice of words to counteract trump’s—
Now, even Gandhi gets visibly heated—
I still can’t believe he was elected!
Me too! replies Bill
Me three! I call out, knowing that every voice has need to be heard
And as I am heard, Gandhi, scratching his head, queries:
What were ‘they’ thinking?  To which The Miracle Worker
Helen’s mentor, replies:  “They’ weren’t thinking—they were
Feeling furious and in dire need of change from being locked out of
The good old boys club, over long, not unlike
The cast from Les Miserable—at that, Bill interrupts with—
Hey, any chance Vic might stage a musical revival of
His masterpiece up here?  If so, I’d like to try out my pipes—
By this point, a bit of cloud cover moves in, leaving me with
No clue as to which of my pals is still yakk’in away—all I know for
Certain is that birds of a feather flock together up there just as is true
Down here on planet Earth, and as Mister Blue Bird has just landed
On my shoulder, I’m beginning to whistle while I work
But then—that’s a whole other story ...
PS—a word to the wise—if you’ve just surmised that I chose
The pen name Annie to honor Helen Keller’s teacher for opening
A child’s eyes, ears and heart to humanity’s universal need to
Embrace the world at large with generosity of spirit, that
Would have been an admirable guess; however
Deeper truth suggests that’s not the case, so with
All due respect for Ms. Sullivan and for you, please think, again ...

WOOING YOUR PROCESSOR TO GROW EVER MORE PATIENT WITH MINE

Are you aware of how often I attempt to woo your mind to backtrack without igniting feelings of ire?  For example, let’s say that Sunday saw my processor adding strings of inter-related insights throughout my last post; however, there is only one added insight that stands heads about the rest.  So if asking you to consider all of them would lead to your rolling your eyes in dread of mental fatigue then perhaps today’s closing thought will offer your spirit reason to rejoice with relief:  The particular insight that I believe rises heads above those added, earlier today, is preceded by a  * in the margin, and since that insight is prefaced by a bright shining star, spotlighting sound reason as to why so many of my stories take their own sweet time to be revealed (in a detailed fashion to me) is bound to make sense to you, and hopefully, upon absorbing my reasoning, your patience with my unique writing style will deepen along with mine ...

MY BUDS—THE BARD, THE SAGE AND HENRY JAMES

Whereas feelings, being instinctive, are physical in nature, thoughts are mental, so let’s make a mental note of this fact:  I had decided to pen my life story before insight spotlighted my subconscious mission to clarify those times when acquired feelings of insecure neediness stimulated my release of The Pleaser to meet the needs of others while denying the existence of basic needs, which proved to be my own.  (As in:  Subconscious Fear #1—This is what they need of me, and if I do not comply they’ll have no need of me, and I’ll be left all alone (as I’d felt at the age of three in the deeply grievous aftermath of my sister’s shocking death).

Why make this mental note concerning my choice to pen this memoir before intuition offered me insight into my need to identify repressed insecurities that I’d consciously denied as my own?  Because as of late, I’ve been consciously giving myself permission to honor my thought processor’s weariness by retiring the pleaser along with the fixer, suggesting that ‘tis change for the better, indeed, to consciously acknowledge the Annie, who has need to feel relaxed before mental exhaustion sets in, most especially at those times when intuitive thought alerts my connection to courage to string together additional insights concerning my ongoing process of healing the current emergence of deeply repressed pain that I’ve concealed from myself ever since the long ago demise of my valued friendship with Joseph when, at the age of twelve, a surge of anxiety so ginormous as to sweep my swirling processor down into the darkest recesses of Alice’s rabbit hole mistook the impassioned lunge of a young boy for the cold hearted pedophile, who’d ravaged a sweet girl, whose assertive voice had been scared out of its wits before it had had a winner’s chance to develop.

In short, feelings, being naturally instinctive, just come while thoughts, based in positive or negative attitudes, are absorbed so unconsciously that they can change, back and forth, unawarely.  To make matters of the heart even more complicated, thoughts, whether good natured or mean minded, give rise to feelings.  So just as attitudes tend to swing our emotional reactions from highs to lows and back, thoughts which follow suit, become ever more darkly defensive or bright and expansive, and as changing thoughts concerning cultural, societal and religious values challenge current perceptions to advan on the historical time, that which feels true or false, right or wrong, good, bad or indifferent can process through change (or not), over time, over night or in the blink of an eye—so, no wonder why inner conflict is ofttimes downright dizzying, right?  And the thought of all of these mental traffic jams snyapsing inside every brain while we’re doing our utmost to conduct clear cut emotional messages between your think tank and mine can leave the most loquacious of intelligent effervescent conversationalists utterly speechless—from time to time—right?

If you can’t identify whether your attitude is headed toward a negatively or positively focused cycle then your sense of clarity is in serious need of recalibration, because mental clarity is essential to embracing positively focused, logic based decision-making skills that strengthen our connection to mindfulness, which is necessary to underscoring the part insight plays in spotlighting sound reasons for carving out unique pathways where personal growth spurts and leaps of faith culminate in heightened levels of self perceptiveness that clearly identify personal strengths as well as insecurities ‘adopted’ subconsciously, early on, when, as children, we’d unconsciously absorbed the misjudgments of others as truth ... most especially at times when punitive, over-reactions on the part of our parents exaggerated our childlike imperfections to such an extent as to have sent us on guilt trips so heavily meted out as to have been largely undeserved.  Upon reflection, how often did your parents apologize for ‘losing it’ with you?

With that last reflective insight in mind we come to see why every story I feel need to pen as my saga unfolds will offer up hindsight’s gift of intuitive objectivity spotlighting emotionally repressed pain in need of being revealed to me before my soulful quest to calm uprisings of latent anxiety can naturally continue to repair each damaged portion of my self respect, which, feeling lacking in self esteem still chokes back the self assertive portion of my voice, from time to time, thus thwarting me from actively rising to my own defense before my processor, unconsciously crashes into yet another moment of subconscious self destruction, leaving my processor reeling from feeling too loopy to call forth my current level of self confident readiness to confront the uprising of yet another self disparaging pattern of thought, buried alive, long ago, in the subconscious portion of my mind.  Whew!  The complexity of this paragraph may be in need of more work once my current state of inner tension feels less mentally taxed, more physically relaxed.

* At any rate, the fact that during my storytelling process strings of inter-related insight reveal deeply repressed emotional reactiveness that proved too darkly frightening and overwhelmingly complex for my processor to comprehend, absorb and overcome during my youth suggests why my adult processor gets to feeling so weary while working toward carving out a clear pathway through the thickening maze that dizzies my mind as I make my way between yesteryear and today, which answers why I feel compelled to take mental breaks from story telling so as to restabilize my emotional balance without denying the writer in me a sense of existential freedom to exercise the self assertive portion of my voice, which feels need to manifest itself in the present tense.  (And thus do we gain insight into yet another reason why penning my memoir in the uniquely expansive format provided by blogging works so well for me.)

Ah—sweet patience, if only thee could consistently calm me, through and through, insight would emerge from behind my wall of defensive denial with less struggle so as to ease my way toward identifying and clarifying subconsciously repressed inner conflict without alerting latent anxiety to spike, anew.  As my capacity to tolerate emotional struggle with patience intact comes to feel ever less mentally challenging (ever more physically relaxed), personal gains based in insight-laden peace of mind will emerge with less constricting bands of repressed pain channeling throughout my physicality from head to toe, inclusive of tightening the musculature of my throat,  my heart and my abdomen, to say nothing of my long ago injured sciatic nerve, which throbs hotly whenever my central nervous system tenses up with a negatively charged electrically stimulated current of repressed emotional distress—that was quite a mouthful!

And now, as a gorgeous sunset is upon us, as though God is actively painting the desert sky-scape, above, breathtaking hues ranging from hot pink to burnt orange, grazing the peaks of purple mountain majesties, I can be seen swaying back and forth on my well padded, two-seater, back patio swing, gazing upward in hopes of spying The Bard soaring overhead while engaged in thoughtful discourse with his sidekick, The Sage, but alas, all I can see (or shall I say feel) is the gentle breeze rustling the leaves of my grapefruit tree as if whispering a two word refrain of existential encouragement into my ear—Know Thyself—Know Thyself—Know Thyself—and knowing my thoughts to be on the same wavelength as The Bard, The Sage, and Henry James for quite some time, I, feeling sound of mind can’t help but smile, believing that soon, the rocky nature of my current emotional turmoil will quiet offering my head reason to relax —at least for a spell ... why?  Well, each time my processor openly acknowledges yet another deeply repressed emotional pain coupling with today’s sense of positively focused courage and tolerant patience with inner conflict concerning stepping toward the great unknown, I gain an ever heightening awareness of the fact that I’d experienced more than my fair share of confounded desperation during childhood and managed to thrive rather than seeing myself as survivor, and with that deeper truth floating brightly through the forefront of my neocortex, my connection to self respect multiplies exponentially, suggesting my absorption of just cause for my repressed guilt-ridden self estimation to continue to change for the better—and thus has today’s insight-laden intuitive train of thought spotlighted the primary concern of my existential quest as having been directly related to my need to acknowledge those times when decreasing feelings of latent physical pain (whether lodged inside my head, throat, chest, stomach or leg) rely upon my calm, clear intuitive intelligence to emerge ever more courageously whenever instinct releases a subconsciously repressed terrifying moment on my personal time that my forward focus (concerning emotionally maturity) feels readied to identify and confront, head-on, so as to relieve heightened degrees of repressed mental unrest in need of conscious reveal.  Whew!

As clarifying today’s train of thought for myself challenged my current mental capacity to advance yet another rung up the ladder of emotional maturity, I can’t even begin to convey how challenged I feel whenever my think tank is actively specifying which words will hopefully most clearly convey my innermost feelings, thus disclosing current changes for the better relating to the highly complex, interconnected functionalities of my whole brain’s good health to you and to me, too!

And if you ask, Annie, why doth that inner need choose to turn the spotlight of insight upon itself so often, my improved attitudes, concerning self esteem would intuitively reply:  Nothing stimulates my connection to mental intrigue as does the multi-functional nature of the human brain caught in the act of healing itself by advancing toward confronting (rather than dodging and and weaving away from) denial’s repressed pain based in a lifetime pattern of PTSD, which proves as difficult to recover from as is true of the drug addict, determined to successfully undergo withdrawal in rehab—and as PTSD accompanies me wherever I go, the more I choose to heal my sense of self respect the more grateful I’ll feel about my good fortune to note that this brain of mine, which also accompanies me everywhere I go, grows ever more consciously capable of identifying expunging repressed pain, suggesting that wherever you feel need to go, you, like me, never need feel fear of losing your hold on your existential self, thus abandoning  yourself to the misjudgments of others—and with that ‘peace’ of personal KNOW(thyself)LEDGE fueling my long range goal of being led by the healthy portion of my consciously recovering mind, my soul’s inner peace remains stoked much more often  with stockpiles of positive focus as I continue to age, feeling younger than springtime  ... and if you’re assuming that I had a conscious clue of airing today’s insight-driven train of thought before it poured naturally out of my soulful attitude, word by word, all on its own, may I respectfully suggest that you seriously consider consulting with the depths of your think tank’s determination to absorb thoughts that may differ from your own ...

PS
You’re not imagining things
Though quite a few of today’s insights are new
Many have been copies from an earlier train of thought
Because repetition deepens my processor’s absorption

WHEW! DOMINO EFFECT PROVED IN NEED OF LOTS OF REWRITING

Its not uncommon for intuitive trains of thought to emerge from subconscious storage before a complex state of mind clearly makes sense for public consumption, so whenever that’s the case, I feel instinctively compelled to reword certain passages until my growing state of mental clarity signals my processor’s sense of readiness to move forward freely—and hopefully, having felt compelled to reword the complicated state of Domino Effect, yet again, I’ll feel wholly readied to give my storyteller the all clear once my wearied mind has had time to rest and re-charge to optimum efficiency  ...

THE QUESTION IS NOT WHAT WOULD I CHOOSE TO DO, TODAY, IF I WERE YOU BECAUSE—

If I
Were you
I know what
I’d choose
To do
I’d choose
To review
96a, Domino Effect
Again
In fact
That’s
Exactly what
I did
Choose
To do
This morning
And while
Doing so
Guess what
Happened?
Additional
Insights, filtering
Through
My ego’s
Wall of denial
Emerged
Sparking
Intuitive
Trains of
Thought to
Brighten
My current
Understanding of
My multi functioning
Brain to
Ascend to
A new level of
Comprehension where
My self image
Spotlighted
Sound reason
To feel
Even more
Secure, today
Than had been
True
Yesterday
And as
I believe
The same
May hold
True for
Your self image, too
I can’t help
But wonder
What
You’ll
Decide
To do—
Stay stuck
Where
You are
With blindfold
In place?
Or muscle up
The mental courage to
Whip off blindfold
So as to
Embrace personal
Growth spurts of
Your very own by
Climbing up from
One level of
Intuitive depth to
The next
So as to
Branch out as
Naturally as
Would a
Healthy
Well rooted tree
Until your self image
Feels so secure as to
Compel you to
Go out on a limb
Where your
Limbic system
Has been awaiting
Your intuitive sense of
Clear sighted
Readiness to
Welcome
Both sides of
Your nature to
Feel at home in
Your body, at last
And if a natural
Sense of readiness is
Not yet yours
Today, then
No worries
No hurries
Because
We each
Make of life
Whatever
Feels right
Right now—
Change ‘this’
Today
And ‘that’
Tomorrow
Knowing that
The only
Constant is—
Change for
The better
Or change
For the worse—
As for me
I ‘know myself’ to
Have grown to be
An unconditional
Lover, meaning
I have practiced taming
My defense system so
As to prioritize
Loving you
For better and worse
While respecting
Your complexities and mine
Until the end of time
And maybe
Even longer
Than that

96a BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS Part 2: DOMINO EFFECT

So here we stand—a pair of preteens, lip locked within an embrace more intimate than I'd ever imagined in my wildest dreams—Well truthfully—at the age of twelve, my wildest dreams see me being chased down a dark street by a mean minded gorilla, and though my mouth is wide open, no scream for help gets past the huge lump in my scared-to-death throat (which is tightening, right now, exactly as had been true all those decades ago).  And each time that gorilla closes in on me (this being a repetitive dream) as though narrowing the gap between life and death, I choke up even more—as proves true while Joseph’s bear hug crushes my body against his until his arms, relaxing their hold on mine, free my arms to fly up as though all on their own in defensive readiness to beat my very first crush soundly all about his head (as I long to do to the gorilla?), shocking both of us every bit as much as his kiss had shocked us only moments before—and as you and I watch Joseph ducking and weaving like a prize fighter dodging my two fisted blows, the wool cap, warming his ears against this frosty winter's eve, somehow gets snagged onto the tip of my thumb, which, pulling it off Joseph's shocked to the max head, flings it down to the ground where it lands in a dirty puddle of melting snow, ending up as muddied as the utterly stunned brains of two, out-of-control pre teens—neither of whom has a clue of the fact that one limbic (Google it) reaction stimulates another—which is why your narrator (being an impassioned instructor of sane communications) plans to revisit many moments in Annie’s life that seem to make no sense being that her rising level of personal accomplishments and sudden slides in self confidence cease to match), and thus do I strongly suggest that along with Sex-Ed, Jr. high school curriculum coordinators would be wise to offer preteens a required course in basic psychology so as to instruct youngsters about the intricacies with which our limbic (emotionally instinctive, defensively insensitive, egocentric portion of the human brain) reactions literally lock down our Neo cortex (where knowledge and logic are stored) as soon as our personal well being feels threatened—and in addition to the FACT that this classic hypersensitivity to emotionality is universal in nature, it’s important to note that emotionality is out of control most especially during puberty when hormonal fluxation is expected to be all the rage, thus unbalancing self discipline during those developmental years in which children’s sturdy little bodies and well organized minds labor through complicated (deeply confusing) stages of transition until each one’s metamorphosis toward independence is complete—and humans grapple with all of these confounding changes without benefit of a cocoon, which Mother Nature thought to gift the caterpillar so as to protect this harmless creature from the harsh environment of predatory personalities during its ungainly time of unsightly transition from a creepy, crawly little critter into a beautiful butterfly, ready to take wing.  I mean think of the internal mess that would surely be seen if the cocoon was ripped open before the natural transition from fragile dependency to existential independence was complete?

Actually, the human being engaged in teen-aged transition from total dependency toward flying free of the nest may be compared to the ungainliness Scrawniness of the unfeathered baby bird that would surely parish without the lasting patience of its mother’s instinctive nature, which continues to nourish her young until its fragile wingspan proves so strong and supple as to support its own weight mid flight—no squawking and screeching insults that serve to clip the natural growth plates of the younger generation’s spirit as in—you’re nothing but a no good lazy lout who thinks to sponge whatever you can off of me until I get so sick of your motley face as to kick you out into the street where, emotionally unprepared for the cold cruel world, you’ll have no clue how to fend for yourself without viewing everyone you meet as dog eat dog ... (whoever told parents that trips to the woodshed made caring, compassionate, responsible adults of children who, during an eighteen year span of gestational development have so much knowledge to absorb as to look up to parental guidance for encouragement (not discouragement) while distinguishing which path (of many) each is best suited to carve out as one’s own—unfortunately, as parents rarely comprehend the lasting affects of their limbic reactions upon the developing self image of each next generation, all too few children grow to be adults who have gained so much as a glimmer of a clue concerning the importance of developing a contemplative comprehension of the confounding nature of the contradictory intricacies commonly associated with each person’s multifunctional human brain—inclusive of their own ...

So with today’s discomforting, yet informative, train of intuitive thought chugging through the forefront of your mind and mine where our potential to absorb and permanently store logic exists, here’s where the concept of ‘either/or’ comes in:  At different times, either the neo Cortex or the limbic system of our brains is stimulated to lead us wherever we’re about to go, next, and once a courageously positive or fearfully negative attitude takes us to wherever we end up, either the neo cortex or the limbic system will dictate the brightness or darkness of the tone of everything we hear (and say) and see (and do and feel)—which is why two people may remember the very same experience differently.

Some of us are settlers.  Others are explorers.  Both are needed for stability.  In fact, just as some ‘settlers’ will stay put in one mindset for quite some time, others, who grow toward becoming explorers, will feel compelled to scout out untried territories and then beckon to other courageous settlers to uproot their comfort zones (not to be confused with their principles) so as to expand their horizons, too.  On the other hand, if, at any moment during the throes of 
conflict resolution (to grow more assertive or to remain complacent), one person is operating from the limbic (fearful) portion of his/her brain while the other person, (who has been guided to consistently practice the conscious adoption of A Line of Emotional Control so that expansive solution seeking can take place) is operating primarily from his/her neo cortex then no matter how logical a problem-solver’s train of thought may prove to be while this pair of minds is debating a point, they’ll be unable to see eye to eye, because one will be operating from yesteryear’s unidentified (repressed) fear of failure while the other one’s focus is drinking in today’s expansive horizon.  And if, at some point in time, one feels need to goad the other into diving into his/her dark side for cover, over and over again, then—Watch Out! because once both think tanks have felt defensive need to leap into the bottomless abyss where a pair of limbic systems reign supreme, a fight to the finish will ensue without so much as a bell ringing aloud offering a fair warning sign before fireworks ignite causing a friendship made in heaven to fend off so many friction-based sparks as to land with a fiery thud in the bowels of hell—And all because neither side has a clue concerning the ease with which the limbic (fight, flee, freeze) portion of your brain and mine knocks out the neocortex on both sides—unless a well-coached Line of Self Control pops up, behaving as objective as a well trained referee ...

Bottom line, the length of time that each person will momentarily lapse into emotional immaturity depends upon how often and quickly an insight laden sense of self awareness can be regained concerning the necessity of consciously rebalancing emotionality (natural instinctive reactions) with logic based (insight-driven intuitive trains of thought), thus drawing forth the concept of brainstorming with long term memory intact in order to employ spot-on, detailed solution seeking skills, which having been conscientiously absorbed and permanently stored, serve to cool down hot headed conflicts, right on the spot.  

Once my neocortex had hungrily absorbed info about the limbic system (why didn’t anyone clue me in when I was young???) I consciously trained my brain’s neocortex to be my primary leader in charge of my on-going, well balanced welfare (meaning that I had to discern between times when as an adult I was truly thinking for myself vs times when parental tapes, turning themselves on inside the subconscious depths of my brain, were whispering of my embarking, yet again, upon yesteryear’s undeserved guilt trips taken during my youth)
 and in order to consciously turn down spikes of latent anxiety, based in one of childhood’s guilt trips or another, I continue to calm my mind (while others give way to limbic reactions) with thoughts of the accomplished, well balanced person I’ve consciously chosen to grow to be, today, so as to reflect back with a rebalanced, rewired attitude concerning what a good kid I’d actually been, and little by little, I’ve managed to reconstruct the bigger picture of my self image to match reality rather than matching my parents’ momentary over-reactive outbursts in response to my existential need to challenge their autocratic attitude of authority, early on, and as detailed memories of hard won personal growth bubble up before my stormy over-reactive egocentric reactions can geyser up, scaring or angering my current mental state half to death, I can differentiate between those times when the courageous side of my brain encouraged me to grow toward overcoming my fear of failing to please my parents, thus arousing my repressed fear of feeling emotionally abandoned so as to continue to work determinedly toward achieving a difficult heartfelt goal, step by step, before the anxious side of my subconscious gets to feeling so limbic as to overwhelm my connection to logic, thus discouraging my spirit from advancing toward achieving a goal that, in truth, remains just beyond my reach, today.

Needless to say, by now, my faith in my brain’s ‘miraculous’ well practiced intuitive transitions take place in the wink of an eye, and thus do I wish that all parents, teachers and role models of children understood the importance of offering youngsters a developing comprehension of the temporary nature of limbic reactions, which we all toss back and forth during the eighteen years in which age appropriate taste tests can be offered to tots and teens just as I chose to share that which I found fascinating to absorb about the complex workings of our brains with my sons at levels that each could understand, absorb and digest while this trio of rambunctious little boys transitioned from natural competitors into each other’s self disciplined, supportive friends and mine, as well.

In short, I continue to choose to study the consequential effects of inner conflict—most especially repressed inner conflict, which sees the intuitive portion of my brain engaging ever more naturally with my wavering mental state so as to determine whether a latent fear, left unresolved, is lifting the lid on the past, causing my current level of emotional maturity to feel more confounded, less clear-headed than I am consciously aware of whenever an emotionally charged choice is challenging my well practiced connection to mental balance to fear toppling one way or the other off of what feels like a tension-springed high wire, no net in plain sight (because the netting is made of intuitive insight, which has not yet filtered through my wall of denial so as to be clearly absorbed by the conscious portion of my mind).  Whew!

Upon reflection, we can see that my defensive ‘choice’ to smack Joseph soundly about his head was purely instinctive (limbic in nature).  In this instance,    freeing pure instinct to reign supreme over my preteen brain was so naturally subjective (rather than objective) as to have narrowed my attitude considerably, and as attitudes (most especially repressed attitudes) either brighten or darken our viewpoints, instinctive spontaneity is not always the best way to achieve heartfelt goals as we make our way (experimentally) through each next stage of life.  So sad that when a boy I’d loved hugged me, my limbic reaction slugged—a dangerous bear.

Let’s face it, more experiments in labs blow up than not before remedies for dis-ease meet with success.  In fact, when compared with intuitive reactions, instinctive reactions can be much more aggressively childish than not.  And as we are presently turning reflection’s objective spotlight upon a girl whose assertive voice, having been unknowingly caught in a choke hold beginning at the age of three, has yet to develop, Annie’s twelve year old fists leaped up in instinctive limbic defense of—my—life, because once my neocortex had been naturally locked down, all my brain had left to function with was this limited trio of choices—fight, then flee and freeze in place, like a solid cement statue sinking in quicksand, no think tank connected to insight to save the day in plain sight—as you shall soon see ... why not?  Because my self protective defense system had successfully kept me sane by locking every memory of sexual abuse out of my conscious mind—but creating amnesia in that part of my brain did not release my deeply repressed fear of being abused, again and again, and thus did subconscious fear strike out ...


So—what shall you soon see?  You’re about to see my negatively focused limbic
reactions to Joseph’s instinctive impulsivity result in a host of negative consequences, all around.  And not until a later chapter in my life will you watch my intuitive sense of objectivity develop electrified sparks of positive focus that will naturally ‘shock’ my narrow minded, negative attitude’s need to rebalance my insecure take on Joseph’s power over my pre-teen social standing,  ... and once depth in terms of detailed memory retrieval is mine, change for the better will naturally revamp my capacity to reflect ever more objectively over my original, severely limited understanding of situations that had made no sense to me when my mental thought processes were so youthfully subjective as to lack any mind brightening insight, at all ...