As I imagine you're eager to ‘hear’ my first story, let’s pick up where we’d left off concerning the importance of readying our attitudes to absorb deeper truths concerning defensiveness that had remained buried subconsciously for most of my life (and maybe yours, too.).
Upon finding myself living alone and in hopes of clarifying why my marriage seemed to plunge from better to worse, I chose to dive into the deep end of my mind—not once, not twice, but repeatedly. And as seeing is believing, I'm writing this autobiography to show you what comes up whenever I dive, here and there, year after year. In short, each time I reflect over the past, a little more deeply than before—another school of classic insights swims straight into my ear.
As insights light up, like fireflies flitting around in the dark, I catch them in a jar—otherwise known as my conscious awareness. And as these insights swarm round and round inside my jar, they swirl into a steady beam of light, like a sunbeam streaming through a clear, blue sky. which had been foggy before my current dive focused my mind’s eye upon a fear or belief that proved unfounded in the bright light of day.
Over time, as strings of insights continue to stream through the conscious portion of my mind, like sunbeams slicing straight through dark clouds of confusion—lo and behold—bigger pictures—to which I’d been blind—emerge. In fact, let's visualize this: Whenever I sit down to write with a bent toward clearing a foggy sense of confusion out of my mind, we can imagine each sudden burst of insight-driven clarity as resembling another sunbeam streaming through a bright blue sky. For instance—one day, while writing, this insight popped out on my screen as though all on its own—Early in our marriage, during the heat of conflict, our problem solving skills were nil. Non existent. Nada.
You see, rather than mustering the humility to learn how to resolve conflicts in a self controlled, lucid manner, it's classic for families to fight, freeze, or flee the scene—repeatedly. (This is due to tunnel vision.) Rather than solving conflicts calmly, our defense systems are programmed to shut the door on logic, and in lieu of logic, emotional reactions tend to yell right out loud or run away as if in fear for our lives.
As a result of fighting (or shoving power struggles under the rug), resentment layers up, negative energy coils up inside, and at some point in time, explosive insults tend to boil over until burning retorts leave searing emotional scars, all around. As defensiveness layers up and thickens, over time—sensations of friendship,mutual respect and love feel walled out of our hearts, which grow ever more callous, until, one day, we awaken feeling nothing, at all, numbed to every emotion other than zombie-like dread and despair, trapped in a frozen state of resentment that makes gerbils on wheels of our minds, most especially in the dark of night. Not a healthy way to weave lasting friendships throughout the hopeful fabric of family life. (Been there? Done that?)
As a result of fighting (or shoving power struggles under the rug), resentment layers up, negative energy coils up inside, and at some point in time, explosive insults tend to boil over until burning retorts leave searing emotional scars, all around. As defensiveness layers up and thickens, over time—sensations of friendship,mutual respect and love feel walled out of our hearts, which grow ever more callous, until, one day, we awaken feeling nothing, at all, numbed to every emotion other than zombie-like dread and despair, trapped in a frozen state of resentment that makes gerbils on wheels of our minds, most especially in the dark of night. Not a healthy way to weave lasting friendships throughout the hopeful fabric of family life. (Been there? Done that?)
Once defensive patterns gain control over our minds, we fight, freeze into a feud or flee—forever—unless insight emerges concerning negatively focused attitudes, which, being in need of identifying, offer us sound reason to expand narrow mindsets in hopes of encouraging change for the better, all around. (Been there, done that. Thank God.)
Once our defense systems gain control over our thought processors, pleasers unwittingly ignore molehills growing into volcanic mountains of despair by moving their ‘baggage’ into Denialand, which results in shoving deeper truths concerning resentment under the same rug where power struggles hide out of sight so that we can fool ourselves into believing that emotionally volatile problems do not exist. And thus does pretense, based in denial, push unresolved conflicts toward back burners where they simmer until inner tension, bottled up—suddenly—pops its cork, and pots calling kettles black release negatively focused attitudes, spraying suppressed (or repressed—there's a difference) resentment hotly, back and forth, all over everyone who cares—unless each of us consciously chooses to develop a Line of Self control balanced with a self-assertive voice—as in ‘balance in all things’..
As suppressed (or repressed) resentment bursts out, repeatedly, a wild ride through Crazyland devours all sense of logic on the front lines. Then, if nothing ends up being openly resolved, we tend to stuff conflict back into Denialand, again and again, and as this broken record plays the phantom of the opera inside our heads,repeatedly, no fireflies brighten our conscious awareness with insights beckoning our processors to reflect less angrily, more objectively than ever before.
In short when conflict remains unresolved, overlong, we tiptoe on egg shells while problems, festering within, grow quietly hard boiled, over time until eventually—Defensive patterns, which layer up around our hearts, are tough to peel away on both sides.
And thus do we come to see why this next string of insights reminds me to calm the gerbil in my mind: Once a relationship feels too painful to bear, love grows angry, then numb. Once love angers, it's fireworks time. After love burns down, scars up and grows numb, it’s anyone’s guess as to when and where defensive resentment—too long repressed—may explode upon a third person's head in the form of displaced anger, next. As in: Side with me or you're next in line to become burned toast. Pretty classic stuff—or should I say painfully classic—not pretty, at all.
Over many years, I’ve made it my business (literally) to understand the negative impact of hearts numbing up to emotional pain until tightly coiled, explosive responses burst out of thick skins when conflicts remain unresolved, overlong, and family members, who fall prey to taking sides, arm themselves to win a war rather than working patiently and respectfully to deepen their understanding of a short-fused, on-going conflict, lovingly—thus calmly.
One day I made mention to a cousin, who is a close friend, that I've come to understand how defensiveness darkens love (in spite of the fact that we believe we're busting our brains to cast sunbeams, here and there). Upon hearing what I felt need to say, she coaxed me to send this series of stories—where one unresolved problem leads to the next—into cyberspace. "Annie, families are hungry for stories like these."
Next thing I knew, a dear niece encouraged me to push the pedal to the metal. Even so, I hemmed and hawed until readiness to bare my personal life online ignited from within. So guess what readied me to scratch that match?
One night just before drifting off to sleep, I imagined each stream of insight turning into a lightsaber, which empowered the conscious portion of my mind to illuminate yet another dark spot of anger, fear, or resentment buried deep within my subconscious. As I pictured myself slaying my own defensive dragons by swinging these lightsabers, glowing with insights, all around, laughter bubbled up at how corny I can be.
Then this insight dawned on me: We laugh at the truth. And once clarity was mine, inspiration fueled my desire to sit down and transform the never ending autobiography that I'd been writing for years into the first post in a blog (which is currently morphing back into the trilogy of my life) so as to offer you and yours warning signs, sadly missed by me and mine, in hopes of redirecting your processors away from crashing into head on collisions, which see all too many couples charging into divorce court, armed to the teeth to grind a person, once deeply loved, into dust. Yikes!
Next thing I knew, a sweet friend got busy setting up my website, while this simple plan shaped up inside my mind: As each story unfolds, you and I will stop to gather and assemble clues as though we're piecing a puzzle together. In this way your sense of clarity and mine, concerning love gone wrong, may deepen, simultaneously. And here is why this plan may make as much sense to you as it does to me: Along with clarity comes peace of mind, and the fact that we're living through a time when the world we share is spinning off its axis to a dizzying degree suggests we can all use more of that!
*In fact, from time to time, I'll change this font to another so as to add my perceptions about current events as had been true during the years when I'd authorized myself to blog rather than authoring this trilogy, which has recently inspired my spirit with the readiness to believe that where I'd once failed, this time, success may be mine.
As one story rolls into another, I believe we'll gain insight into how quickly misperception sweeps loving relationships into the rapids with no life raft in/sight. You see, when two people have no clue that they're trying to row a life raft through inner turmoil—against the rapids—they may paddle in opposing directions until confusion drowns logic, and once they start paddling each other's character traits, mutual respect slams into defensive rocks as tall as The Grand Canyon's walls, smashing their life raft to smithereens, leaving both feeling deeply wounded while swimming for dear life toward opposite shores. Whoa!
As mutual respect comes undone, friendship turns black and blue—Once. Twice. Three times and everyone’s out! Game over! Tie score. Zero to zero. You go your way; I'll go mine. Fine! Fine! No skin off my nose! Bitch! Prick! Painful fear of rejection emerges as anger, all around. Both blame the other for 'no fault' divorce. Change partners, start the music and dosey-doe every bit as blindly as before until once again, lawyer's fees eat away at your nest egg, which had been set aside to pleasure kiss'in kin, and not until both sides awaken to smell the coffee will divorce court stop being a revolving door that devours your peace of mind and your paychecks, as well—Hhmmm
BTW—same proves true of siblings. If one person seeks to educate his/her mind about the destructive force of negatively focused defensiveness while the other does not—stalemate results. As no man/woman is an island, one side can't move a mountain of defensiveness that is not his/her own. Even so, one attitudinal change for the better creates change, all round—given patience concerning time.
As a result of internal combustion, our life rafts splinter, smash or snap in half, and while strong swimmers may eventually set their compass on one shoreline or another, there are those who insist they can swim, but just paddle in circles, having no clue as to why they remain all wet in the dark. (Perhaps with umpires or referees in our homes everyone would learn to make sound use of the light saber, stop fighting and 'play fair'. But judging from basketball’s flagrant fouls, perhaps not.)
Once my stories shine spotlights on my toolbox, which holds a variety of creative solution-seeking techniques, you'll see why lasting love holds each person accountable for identifying and changing deeply ingrained patterns of negativity by consciously strengthening this set of traits: courage, humility, patience, self control, self respect and mutual respect, over time. Why? Because: If love is to deepen and emotional support is to be extended freely when 'for better or worse' gets worse (and it will) then positively focused passion will be less likely to anger until it burns out and numbs up. I wonder how many thought processors remain consciously aware of this fact: A host of inner strengths must continue to develop throughout all four stages of life if emotional maturity is to heighten, over time.
In keeping with swimming through emotional rapids toward thoughts filled with clarity leading toward peaceful repose, I'd like to say this: Our brains are hardwired to make spontaneous judgments, which is why we tend to leap to wrong conclusions, which distort stories (and loved ones) into villains they're not.
As my first story is about to unfold, please keep this thought in mind: I’ve just begun to reveal essential details about my life. Therefore, the little you know is riddled with holes. So—in hopes of keeping misperceptions to a minimum, you may want to reread my introduction more carefully than before, because I purposely left out one important detail to exemplify how easily we make assumptions, which, down the road, prove to be the direct opposite of the truth.
Once my stories get underway, you'll watch my brain fool me into believing that I understand what's going on in my life when, at times, I'll have had no clue. By and by, you'll come to see that a defensively focused processor, which has not yet trained itself to differentiate between assumptions and facts, will be inclined to misread the thoughts, feelings, words, and actions of others to an anxiety heightening, self-alarming degree.
Two people, whose narrow mindsets misread each other, too often, may assume to be friends when in truth, they remain strangers.
So let’s say that your experience, fighting with a certain loved one, has capsized in rapids so often that you no longer believe a lasting friendship with that person is possible. Or perhaps you’re still rowing through rapids with a loved one, hoping to find shelter in which to cuddle, together, around cozy campfires—forever. Or perhaps you're still blind to the ways in which your processor continues to duck from confronting conflicts that just won't quit. Any way you look at it, I'm about to clarify classic situations in which defensive thought patterns fool each of us into 'seeing' friends, lovers, relatives and colleagues in a distorted fashion. And now that I feel eager to ready my sense of courage to bare the most personal aspects of my life—it’s storytelling time—
PS
Once we reach the sad time in my life when my marriage breaks down, you'll watch me face up to this choice: Continue to wrap electrical tape around Pandora's Box, where inner conflicts swirled the injured portion my self-esteem, round and round ... or pry open Pandora's Box, little by little, so as to courageously confront all of the furies (one at a time), which my defense system had( unbeknownst to the conscious portion of my mind) locked inside the subconscious portion of a terrified, deeply confounded (cheerful by day) child's mind ...
The next time I pop up on your screen, we’ll jet back across the time line to those happy, rock-n-roll days of the l950’s, where a self-confident child has been waiting to welcome you into her life. And if you’re intrigued as to how a cheerful, little girl may offer insight into solving that age-old, classic mystery of love gone wrong, well, the only clue I’ll reveal, today, is the timely title of her story: BULLY FOR ME.
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