With no clue of need to arm myself with a host of inner strengths in readiness to engage in battle with the mean minded BULLY ON THE BUS, I step up into the van feeling utterly unprepared for the bully’s sneak attack, suggesting why my vulnerability is fully exposed.
As to THE BULLY, all he needs is one glance in my direction to set his beady sights on an easy target, so while I’m making my way toward an empty seat, he seizes the moment by landing a solid sucker punch to my gut without so much as lifting a hand.
You see, with one God-awful, hair-raising command, this brutish Ring Master grabs the attention of every kid sitting in the van by reaching into my head, grasping my brain and squeezing it as hard as he can before flinging my senses right out of the open door onto the pavement where my hold onto intelligence goes—Splat! If you wonder how that bully shatters my social self-confidence quick as one lash of the lion tamer's whip cows the cat in the cage, well, here’s what spews out of that bruiser’s mean-minded mouth as his eyes lock into mine:
WELL!—Looky what we have here!
(Then turning toward another kid, the bully barks)—
Move over! Waaaaay over!
No way am I sitting next to THAT!
HEY-YOU—can’t you hear? I said
Make room for—FATTY—over THERE!!!
And from that moment on I am the butt (literally) of countless
Fat jokes, which entertain an entire busload of kids, every time
I climb into that van, which carries God’s innocent (?) children toward their parents' house of worship
So there it is—one 'defining moment' that determines my lack of self confidence with guys for decades to come. As you shall see, each time I absorb another series of solid whacks to the head in that van, my brain's inner compass flies further off course. In lieu of a well balanced compass, my perspective, concerning my budding relationship with guys will continue to veer off center for many a year.
If, at this point in my story, you'd like to ask: Annie, can an evil spirit really knock out a person’s self-confident brain power in one fell swoop? I'd reply: Well, in truth, the strength of the human spirit does not deflate as fast as a blown-up balloon, left untied, goes Ffffffttttt! You see, character traits like—
If, at this point in my story, you'd like to ask: Annie, can an evil spirit really knock out a person’s self-confident brain power in one fell swoop? I'd reply: Well, in truth, the strength of the human spirit does not deflate as fast as a blown-up balloon, left untied, goes Ffffffttttt! You see, character traits like—
Resilience and perseverance exhaust, little by little, if
One tortuous blow up continues to follow another, nonstop
One tortuous blow up continues to follow another, nonstop
As one insight tends to follow another, as well, let’s ready our processors to string these next few, together: The more resilient the spirit, the more likely a person’s perseverance is to endure repeated onslaughts of negative energy, which aim one direct hit after another toward waning self esteem until the day dawns when a torpedo, which proves way too HUGE for resilience to withstand, flies in from out of the blue, targeting what little is left of my social compass, which, upon shattering to smithereens, sees my flattened spirit descend into a hellish humiliation so sharply as to cut my heart to the quick, severing denial’s ability to wall off the depths of my severely injured ego’s despair, and once my defensive wall of denial crumbles, WE will see why the secreted side of my self image limps along in utter disrepair for many a year. Geez Louise!
When—a little later in this story—you play witness to ‘that something HUGE’ flying in from out of the blue, peppering my self esteem with humiliation too painful for shell shock to deny, you’ll also witness wild roars of foot stomping laughter grinding the last shards of my spirit’s courage into dust. At that point, what little is left of my self confidence with guys will feel like crumbs of toast ground underfoot.
AND THAT WILL BE THAT FOR DECADES TO COME!
As I’ve not yet revealed details describing my subconscious reactions to being bullied, play by play, please keep this next insight in the forefront of your mind: The little that you know of my childhood, thus far, is not all there is to know—meaning that many missing puzzle pieces, necessary to assemble the bigger picture of my complex personality, have yet to be retrieved and set into place. Once every essential fact has been plugged into all of my stories' holes, a detailed vision of personal experiences, which had formulated my acquired character traits, many of which contradict each other, will complete the circuit necessary to light up the composite picture of Me-Myself-and I. And not until my intelligence recreates the emergence of the bigger picture in technicolored 3D will the puzzle come together, revealing the answer to this question: Why will the voice of an eleven year old child remain self-empowered to take a courageous stand in defense of the vulnerabilities of others but not in-behalf of her own?
Can you tell what's missing in this picture?
As you shall see (in a story yet to unfold), defining moments, which influence the development of a person’s acquired character traits, commonly occur younger than eleven years of age. In fact, most of our enduring personality traits shape up (and solidify) between infancy and five. However rather than pedaling backward, right now, to review an earlier stage of life that will have detoured my personality development away from the beaten path, let’s turn this page and examine that which my spirit’s inner strength of resilient perseverance chooses to endure every time I agree to climb into that van, knowing that I'm about to descend, silently, into the bowels of Hell, repeatedly—until the fated day dawns when my shell shocked spirit leaps to its feet, shouting—
Can you tell what's missing in this picture?
The natural sparkle of my spirit's smile
As you shall see (in a story yet to unfold), defining moments, which influence the development of a person’s acquired character traits, commonly occur younger than eleven years of age. In fact, most of our enduring personality traits shape up (and solidify) between infancy and five. However rather than pedaling backward, right now, to review an earlier stage of life that will have detoured my personality development away from the beaten path, let’s turn this page and examine that which my spirit’s inner strength of resilient perseverance chooses to endure every time I agree to climb into that van, knowing that I'm about to descend, silently, into the bowels of Hell, repeatedly—until the fated day dawns when my shell shocked spirit leaps to its feet, shouting—
EnOUgH!
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