Why is it that my first thought is not necessarily my best thought?
Because my first thought may not have dived so deep into memory as to have clarified a deeper truth that has had need to speak to my conscious awareness, and that’s especially true when I’m in need of pinpointing exactly where I am still deceiving myself about myself.
For example, my original thought was that this week's inner tension has been associated solely with my aging process, which we all know leads toward death. Then, yesterday, a resurgence of love for my dad emerged, resulting in my belief that my angst has been based in how deeply I've missed his presence, over these past fifteen years.
Then, this morning, I picked up the paper and while scanning the headlines, here's what ran through the conscious portion of my mind: Deranged minds, ending the lives of innocent people of all ages, running rampant through our cities, towns, houses of worship and schools—on a daily basis. Natural disasters (due to global warming?) wreaking havoc on millions of families, leaving the bewildered minds of destitute children traumatized. And the fact that current exposés, revealing sexual predators in every walk of life, catch so many unaware as to feel shocked just doesn't make sense to me when, throughout history, common knowledge has continued to inform every generation of the fact that heartless predators in every walk of life, lurk here, there, everywhere, because 'abusees' grow up to become abusers and absolute power corrupts ...
As the conscious portion of my mind associates much of the above with fears (relating directly back to my childhood's shattered sense of personal safety), a recent uprising of latent anxiety, repressed in its unprocessed state, has been aroused, yet again, to seep through cracks in my wall of denial as though echoes of yesteryear’s danger have been threatening my survival instinct with extinction, anew.
So, perhaps EMDR therapy offers me the mental tools to calm past traumas whenever any aspect of a current event stimulates unprocessed anxieties to re-emerge; however, it proves far from easy for me to accept that no amount of therapy can delete the fearsome nature of unprocessed memories from erupting in the form of inner tension (i.e. muscle memory—suggestive of the fact that the body ‘remembers’ what the mind forgets).
On the other hand, tis past time for we, who populate the world, to openly confront the fearsome fact that heartless bestiality (which conflicts with our heartfelt conviction that we live in a civilized world) all too often lurks in the work place or in a classroom, or in our neighbor's home, right next door, or even worse, within our extended family, or heaven forbid, can be heard lumbering around in a bedroom just down the hall, stalking the safety of an innocent child, who, sleeping fitfully, fears illicit conjugal visits in the dark of night—suggesting that blind denial is popular state of mind, because reality and anxiety so often go hand in hand.
As long as smart-hearts remain naive about the fact that both sides of human nature vie for space within every person's brain, fate will continue to place children and underlings in harms way 'neath the heel of authority figures, whose minds, mangled during their childhood, have lost all sense of clarity concerning right and wrong.
As to my aging process, that fearsome reality can’t help but resurface at this stage of life each time my birthday draws near—What, already???
As to missing my Dad even more than usual—a flash of insight spotlighted this week's upsurge of emotion as being a repetitive event. Why? Well ...
Happy birthday, Dad. Today, we'd have gathered in celebration of your 104th.
As to yesteryear's eruptive sense of anxiety overwhelming my hard won connection to inner peace, during recent weeks, well, that's where knowledge, patience and a creative plan of action come in to calm down natural eruptions of emotional reactivity, and as knowledge and patience to wait out my brain’s conscious absorption of my natural reaction to current events (all of which prove beyond my control) are already mine, all my think tank needs to do is to employ creativity to conjure up another simple plan of action that's shaping up as I write, which will prove so optimistic as to guide my think tank to follow this bouncing ball:
Step one:
When considering each of the anxiety-producing situations above, I need to remind myself that there's nothing new under the sun, and my immediate family is alive, safe and well
Step two:
Repeat step one until this current episode of fearsome discomfort feels relieved
Step three:
Speed up step two by consciously appreciating my family's good fortune, because, thus far, fate has kept my loved ones safe from lasting harm
As to Dad's birthday—I smile with gratitude to think of the good, though not perfect, immigrant child from Poland (brought to the new world by parents, who’d hoped to better their lives), who grew up to be such a good man as to personify my first superhero by openly expressing the depth of his love for family and friends with all his heart, every day of his life ...
I love you, Mom and Dad ...
And knowing that you could not have imagined experiences, which
I never voiced aloud
Thank you for doing your best to keep me safe from harm
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