I chose to withdraw yesterday's post in favor of
Publishing it, anew, today, for this reason:
The more I wrote, the more complicated and
Convoluted my train of thought became
And so, here's what I did:
I'd write for a while before taking a break to
Clear my mind, and then, upon reading that which
My stream of consciousness poured out I'd edit until
Insight into clarity of thought was mine, and hopefully
Resultant of my labor, the string of insights that you'll find
Lined up like ducks in a row, below
Will nourish your sense of clarity, as well
So, okay ... Here we go ...
In case you'd like to ask:
Annie, if you perceived of yourself as an unattractive
Young woman then why did you think
Your phone rang, filling your dance card on
Weekend evenings, during your teens?
I'd reply: Though my self protective habit had been to
Shy away each time a guy drew too close for comfort
I'd figured they'd enjoyed my company, for this reason:
As long as my body felt chastely encased within
The narrow framework of my comfort zone
I was lots of fun ...
And since my self-protective wall of denial offered my
Conscious awareness not so much as
So, okay ... Here we go ...
In case you'd like to ask:
Annie, if you perceived of yourself as an unattractive
Young woman then why did you think
Your phone rang, filling your dance card on
Weekend evenings, during your teens?
I'd reply: Though my self protective habit had been to
Shy away each time a guy drew too close for comfort
I'd figured they'd enjoyed my company, for this reason:
As long as my body felt chastely encased within
The narrow framework of my comfort zone
I was lots of fun ...
And since my self-protective wall of denial offered my
Conscious awareness not so much as
A knot hole through which
To get a glimpse of the truth, the whole truth and
Nothing but the truth, concerning thoughts that roamed
Naturally beneath the crew cuts that covered whatever
Those clean cut boys had in mind until
To get a glimpse of the truth, the whole truth and
Nothing but the truth, concerning thoughts that roamed
Naturally beneath the crew cuts that covered whatever
Those clean cut boys had in mind until
We'd parked in front of my house after a date, and
They'd tried to pull me close
Thank goodness, denial blocked my subconscious fear of reality from
Thank goodness, denial blocked my subconscious fear of reality from
Looming so large as to cause me to
Leap out of their cars and run into
My house, feeling so anxious as to
Lock myself into a closet and throw away the key
You see, it's denial's job to twist the bare truth into
Something it's not, creating
Leap out of their cars and run into
My house, feeling so anxious as to
Lock myself into a closet and throw away the key
You see, it's denial's job to twist the bare truth into
Something it's not, creating
A mishmash of foggy confusion of the
The conscious mind's sense of clarity as soon as
The conscious mind's sense of clarity as soon as
Subconscious fear of a haunting trauma shoots through
Your brain or mine faster than a speeding bullet, suggesting
That the split-second emergence of certain memories, which
Do not have time to process through our conscious minds
Can cause our bodies to experience a visceral reaction to
Whatever had stimulated yesteryear's unresolved fear to
Flash through the instinctive part of the brain, causing
The rawness of that flash frozen experience to suffer
A momentary melt down, which is another way to
Describe the emergence of an episode of PTSD, which
Stimulates the adrenal glands to release
An over-abundance of adrenalin, which creates
So much muscle tension as to translate into spikes of
Anxiety, concerning fear of danger
(Fight or flight or freeze) shuddering
Through your body to the same degree as
Had been true when the original trauma had
Shattered your sense of
Personal safety and self worth into
So many scattered pieces that you couldn't
Think straight to save your life ... And the
Younger you were when that bomb
Exploded your personal sense of safety to bits
The more difficult it will be to reprogram
Your adult defense system to detour away from
Experiencing mind blowing episodes of PTSD
When PTSD goes undiagnosed and unhealed
Any situation that stimulates the original experience to
Shoot through subconscious memory will
Feel as terrifing, shocking and stupefying as
When the trauma (which denial
May have encased in amnesia) had first shattered your
Sense of personal safety and self worth, and since
Reality can be so cruel as to expose
A child's natural sense of vulnerability to
Emotional bombs, exploding utterly
Unexpectedly from within the adults, who profess to love and
Your brain or mine faster than a speeding bullet, suggesting
That the split-second emergence of certain memories, which
Do not have time to process through our conscious minds
Can cause our bodies to experience a visceral reaction to
Whatever had stimulated yesteryear's unresolved fear to
Flash through the instinctive part of the brain, causing
The rawness of that flash frozen experience to suffer
A momentary melt down, which is another way to
Describe the emergence of an episode of PTSD, which
Stimulates the adrenal glands to release
An over-abundance of adrenalin, which creates
So much muscle tension as to translate into spikes of
Anxiety, concerning fear of danger
(Fight or flight or freeze) shuddering
Through your body to the same degree as
Had been true when the original trauma had
Shattered your sense of
Personal safety and self worth into
So many scattered pieces that you couldn't
Think straight to save your life ... And the
Younger you were when that bomb
Exploded your personal sense of safety to bits
The more difficult it will be to reprogram
Your adult defense system to detour away from
Experiencing mind blowing episodes of PTSD
When PTSD goes undiagnosed and unhealed
Any situation that stimulates the original experience to
Shoot through subconscious memory will
Feel as terrifing, shocking and stupefying as
When the trauma (which denial
May have encased in amnesia) had first shattered your
Sense of personal safety and self worth, and since
Reality can be so cruel as to expose
A child's natural sense of vulnerability to
Emotional bombs, exploding utterly
Unexpectedly from within the adults, who profess to love and
Protect us from harm, it's not uncommon for
A vulnerable young mind to feel
As scarred with shell shock in need of
Professional healing as a soldier, suffering from
PTSD in the aftermath of his or her first taste of
Warfare on the front lines, and just as
A soldier's mind can be severely injured
Thus does every brain sustain wounds when
Profoundly confounding situations, which
Defy understanding, take place, not
Just during youth but after
We've grown up with reason to
Perceive of ourselves as intelligent
Strong-minded, capable, solution-seeking
Compassionate adults, who having come to
Conceive of ourselves as 'fixers', may forget to
Remember that both sides of human nature
Exist within us all, and though we may
See ourselves as courageous high principled winners for
Good reason, guess what resides within the fearful side of
Every human brain? A wall of denial, behind which
Looms undeserved guilt, which unrelieved, will
Haunt our sense of well being, indefinitely
And once your think tank has taken
The time necessary to fully swallow that last
Morsel of food for thought, please consider
Chewing on this insight, as well:
Since different experiences offer reason for
Young minds to feel traumatized to differing degrees
One person's level of PTSD
May have reason to exceed that of another, suggestive
Of this fact:
Not one of us leaves childhood emotionally unscathed
At this point, you might like to ask:
Annie, if certain early experiences caused you to
A vulnerable young mind to feel
As scarred with shell shock in need of
Professional healing as a soldier, suffering from
PTSD in the aftermath of his or her first taste of
Warfare on the front lines, and just as
A soldier's mind can be severely injured
Thus does every brain sustain wounds when
Profoundly confounding situations, which
Defy understanding, take place, not
Just during youth but after
We've grown up with reason to
Perceive of ourselves as intelligent
Strong-minded, capable, solution-seeking
Compassionate adults, who having come to
Conceive of ourselves as 'fixers', may forget to
Remember that both sides of human nature
Exist within us all, and though we may
See ourselves as courageous high principled winners for
Good reason, guess what resides within the fearful side of
Every human brain? A wall of denial, behind which
Looms undeserved guilt, which unrelieved, will
Haunt our sense of well being, indefinitely
And once your think tank has taken
The time necessary to fully swallow that last
Morsel of food for thought, please consider
Chewing on this insight, as well:
Since different experiences offer reason for
Young minds to feel traumatized to differing degrees
One person's level of PTSD
May have reason to exceed that of another, suggestive
Of this fact:
Not one of us leaves childhood emotionally unscathed
At this point, you might like to ask:
Annie, if certain early experiences caused you to
Feel unattractive and
Other experiences caused you to fear sexuality, resulting
In doubling your psyche's ulnerability to PTSD
Then what possessed you to
Ruby your lips, splash on fragrance and pour
Your body into a curve revealing garment, upon which
'Wild Animal' had been imprinted from neck to toe?
I'd reply: Years ago, I had no clue that confusion
In doubling your psyche's ulnerability to PTSD
Then what possessed you to
Ruby your lips, splash on fragrance and pour
Your body into a curve revealing garment, upon which
'Wild Animal' had been imprinted from neck to toe?
I'd reply: Years ago, I had no clue that confusion
Based in PTSD, played tricks on my conscious mind, in fact
That awareness was not mine until many sessions of
That awareness was not mine until many sessions of
EMDR freed my intelligence to
Gain insight into contradictions that continue to
Interfere with my sense of clarity, today
On the other hand, my thirst for insight has
Gain insight into contradictions that continue to
Interfere with my sense of clarity, today
On the other hand, my thirst for insight has
Empowered my sense of hindsight to grow so objective as to
Empower my thank tank to flesh in details with which I can
Answer 'your' question concerning contradictions that
Confounded my sense of clarity when I was young:
I've come to believe that my defense system
(Which had reason to flash freeze my wild thing inside
A subconscious pocket of my mind after 'she'd'
Overdosed on traumatized fear)
Was waiting for intuition to recognize the 'perfect' moment to
Empower my thank tank to flesh in details with which I can
Answer 'your' question concerning contradictions that
Confounded my sense of clarity when I was young:
I've come to believe that my defense system
(Which had reason to flash freeze my wild thing inside
A subconscious pocket of my mind after 'she'd'
Overdosed on traumatized fear)
Was waiting for intuition to recognize the 'perfect' moment to
Signal my defense system to let down
It's guard and allow my comotosed libido to
Reawaken, experience a melt down, and feel utterly free to
Feed its natural hungers to satiation, at last ... though
Never once had any part of today's reflective
Train of thought penetrated my wall of denial when I was a girl
I guess we'd be on the right track to surmise that
During my youth, my sixth sense (which was
Empowered to see that
My waist proved much smaller than that which
Appeared above and below) instructed
My creativity to extenuate the positive, and the fact that
I'd read novels and watched seductive scenes in
Countless movies filled my intelligence with
Ideas that filtered into my imagination whenever
My instinctive need for attention in the bedroom
Loomed so large as to defy my adherence to
The proprieties of modesty ... I mean ...
I'd already run the gamut of nightgowns, colored
Virginal pink, baby blue or femme fatale black, all of
Which proved as sheer as gossamer threads ... and
As creativity had seen me pulling on nothing more than
A professional football jersey, sporting
The number of Will's all-time favorite player on
My back before joining my husband in bed ... I
Guess we could say that each time intuition
Freed a stream of consciousness to do my
Problem solving, my brain, injured or not
Functioned like a well balanced whole
Shortly after we both said 'I do'
My intuitive powers 'knew' something was wrong, because
I'd watched Dad's look of love shine forth, like
A moonbeam, glowing directly at Mom, and
All she had to do to attract her husband's attention was to
Walk into a room ... As that expectation had
Not proved true for me once the chase had been won
My fear of unattractiveness shot through my mind
Triggering PTSD, which, being undiagnosed, had
Reason to haunt my subconscious with taunts from the past ...
And as denial blinded my awareness from recognizing
That my libido was anesthetized in a flash frozen state
Guess who had no clue that I'd failed to offer my husband
Any sign of female heat? And as long as I remained
Blind to my frozen sexuality, denial blocked my
Conscious mind from any thought other than this one:
My husband will one day come to his senses, wonder
Why he married me and leave me, as
Had been true of every guy
I'd dated and cared for, and then I'll be all alone ...
(Just as I'd felt alone and worthless at
The age of three when my
Baby sister died, and my safe little corner of
The world shattered so suddenly as to blow my
Sense of clarity to kingdom come
And ... I'd had no clue that, from that time on, I'd been
Holding my breath in wait for the other shoe to drop until
About five years ago, when an astute therapist
Diagnosed me with PTSD, and not until then
Did I begin to dive so deep
Into my psyche as to begin to know
My contradictive traits in depth ... ...
Though my brain had not absorbed knowledge of
John Wooden, who'd coached
UCLA's basketball team to win nine consecutive
NCAA championships, until today ... my mind will
Store his words in my memory bank, from now on:
Today's reflections suggest that, as a bride,
I'd brainstormed my way toward
Costuming in hopes of winning back the
Appreciative attention that had buoyed my spirit and
Made me feel safely loved when
Will had been my boyfriend, eager to
Take me in his arms and lead the dance in
Such a pleasing way as to entice me to
Freely choose to follow him down
The primrose path, where I'd happily
Accepted his proposal, which saw me
Land in our third floor, walk up apartment where
Much to my dismay, my husband's time was
Divided between two mistresses, whom
I'd perceived as being much more intriguing to
Will than my creative costuming proved to be ... and
If you ask what stopped me from developing
The courage necessary to
Voice my jealousy of Surgery and Sports ... Well
My brain had already developed the pattern of
Suppressing and stuffing any of my
Unruly emotions into a container that sat
Right next to the wall of denial, where
My repressed fear of abandonment had
Roped my decision-making process into making
Choices that served the needs of others while
Habitually ignoring my own, and as that
Behavioral pattern began to carve a deep channel into
My psche when Janet died and three year old
Winsome little me couldn't win a smile from
Loved ones (whose minds remained naturally
Preoccupied, distraught and utterly overwhelmed with
Confusion and grief for an extended period of time) no matter
How consistently and creatively I'd tried but failed to
Win back their attention, I cowered in the shadows of
Anxious despair until the birth of another
Dark haired, baby sister, whose
Blessed presence re-ignited my loved ones' smiles, which
I'd sadly missed and craved, coaxed back the sun, sooo ...
Once I'd felt lovingly embraced within the warm, safe haven of
Familial safety, again, my brand new subconscious fear of
Abandonment 'vowed' to do
Whatever seemed necessary to keep every
Spirit in our boat afloat ... suggesting that
Once my husband's exhausted mind became
Compulsively preoccupied with serving the needs of
His patients, my deeply entrenched
Abandonment issues called forth a summit conference between
My deeply repressed but intuitive Wild Thing, and my Fixer
And together, they out-voted my belief that
I was too unattractive to arouse Will's sexual ardor, two to one ...
And now that this detailed trip down memory lane has
Clarified why my contradictive choice to adorn my curves with
Leopard skin had actually made sense, I'll end by saying:
Whew! My brain is all tuckered out, because finding words to
Express insight into the complexity of
Today's complicated train of thought did not come easy!
It's guard and allow my comotosed libido to
Reawaken, experience a melt down, and feel utterly free to
Feed its natural hungers to satiation, at last ... though
Never once had any part of today's reflective
Train of thought penetrated my wall of denial when I was a girl
I guess we'd be on the right track to surmise that
During my youth, my sixth sense (which was
Empowered to see that
My waist proved much smaller than that which
Appeared above and below) instructed
My creativity to extenuate the positive, and the fact that
I'd read novels and watched seductive scenes in
Countless movies filled my intelligence with
Ideas that filtered into my imagination whenever
My instinctive need for attention in the bedroom
Loomed so large as to defy my adherence to
The proprieties of modesty ... I mean ...
I'd already run the gamut of nightgowns, colored
Virginal pink, baby blue or femme fatale black, all of
Which proved as sheer as gossamer threads ... and
As creativity had seen me pulling on nothing more than
A professional football jersey, sporting
The number of Will's all-time favorite player on
My back before joining my husband in bed ... I
Guess we could say that each time intuition
Freed a stream of consciousness to do my
Problem solving, my brain, injured or not
Functioned like a well balanced whole
Shortly after we both said 'I do'
My intuitive powers 'knew' something was wrong, because
I'd watched Dad's look of love shine forth, like
A moonbeam, glowing directly at Mom, and
All she had to do to attract her husband's attention was to
Walk into a room ... As that expectation had
Not proved true for me once the chase had been won
My fear of unattractiveness shot through my mind
Triggering PTSD, which, being undiagnosed, had
Reason to haunt my subconscious with taunts from the past ...
And as denial blinded my awareness from recognizing
That my libido was anesthetized in a flash frozen state
Guess who had no clue that I'd failed to offer my husband
Any sign of female heat? And as long as I remained
Blind to my frozen sexuality, denial blocked my
Conscious mind from any thought other than this one:
My husband will one day come to his senses, wonder
Why he married me and leave me, as
Had been true of every guy
I'd dated and cared for, and then I'll be all alone ...
(Just as I'd felt alone and worthless at
The age of three when my
Baby sister died, and my safe little corner of
The world shattered so suddenly as to blow my
Sense of clarity to kingdom come
And ... I'd had no clue that, from that time on, I'd been
Holding my breath in wait for the other shoe to drop until
About five years ago, when an astute therapist
Diagnosed me with PTSD, and not until then
Did I begin to dive so deep
Into my psyche as to begin to know
My contradictive traits in depth ... ...
Though my brain had not absorbed knowledge of
John Wooden, who'd coached
UCLA's basketball team to win nine consecutive
NCAA championships, until today ... my mind will
Store his words in my memory bank, from now on:
"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" ...
Thank goodness, I was raised by two parents who
Stood up each time life knocked one or the other down
Thank goodness I have reason to believe myself
Made of the same strong stuff, suggesting that
Failing to achieve a heartfelt goal was not something that
My spirit could accept with an attitude of
Complacency when I was young, and as that
Strong willed trait proves true of me, today, I
Seek insight into the intricate ways that
Episodes of PTSD may continue to
Challenge my intelligence to seek insight into
Clarity, concerning the covert ways that
Undeserved guilt, which, remains buried within
My subconscious, may be undermining my
Think tank's ability to brainstorm toward
A workable solution when
Complex problem solving proves necessary, today ...
For example:
In the past, my solutions took care of everyone else's needs
Presently, my planning strategies have
Changed for the better in this manner:
When considering needs, I remember to
Include my own for this reason:
Balance in all things suggests
Lots of leeway exists between selfless and selfish
And with insight as my guide, I've
Come to see that there are times when
The needs of my loved ones do not necessarily
Match my own, and when that proves true
Meeting my needs, within reason and
With discretion, does not make
A thoughtless, selfish person of me
I've also come to see that denial's aura of black magic
Which initially empowers us to keep sane during
A traumatizing experience, keeps us
In the dark about emotional scarring that
Blocks our sense of clarity when
Something that has scared us half to death
Remains subconsciously unhealed
And since subconscious scarring shows
No visual sign of that haunting experience on
The surface, We fail to see how
Yesteryear's unhealed trauma remains
Empowered to affect our
Decision-making process, negatively, today ...
On the other hand, each time my
Power of intuition speaks clearly to me
My strength of my spirit refuses to allow denial or
Undeserved guilt to cause me to fail to
Achieve a heartfelt goal, today
As a young woman, I had no clue that
My subconscious fear of carnal knowledge had limited
My creativity to costuming until decades later when
I took a class and encountered an
Unexpected experience that
Opened my eyes to this fact:
Under the right circumstances a frozen libido, such as
Mine had been, proves vulnerable to experiencing
A melt down in record breaking time ...
And in the aftermath of that experience ... Which
Surprised no one as much as me
The pleaser in me began to transform into
A stranger to my former self without benefit of
Undergoing metamorphosis within the safety of
The caterpiller's cocoon ... However rather than
Transforming into a social butterfly
I absorbed reason to grow ever more introspective and
Quietly reflective to the point of
Questing toward strings of insight, concerning
Peace of mind, as never before
Thank goodness, I was raised by two parents who
Stood up each time life knocked one or the other down
Thank goodness I have reason to believe myself
Made of the same strong stuff, suggesting that
Failing to achieve a heartfelt goal was not something that
My spirit could accept with an attitude of
Complacency when I was young, and as that
Strong willed trait proves true of me, today, I
Seek insight into the intricate ways that
Episodes of PTSD may continue to
Challenge my intelligence to seek insight into
Clarity, concerning the covert ways that
Undeserved guilt, which, remains buried within
My subconscious, may be undermining my
Think tank's ability to brainstorm toward
A workable solution when
Complex problem solving proves necessary, today ...
For example:
In the past, my solutions took care of everyone else's needs
Presently, my planning strategies have
Changed for the better in this manner:
When considering needs, I remember to
Include my own for this reason:
Balance in all things suggests
Lots of leeway exists between selfless and selfish
And with insight as my guide, I've
Come to see that there are times when
The needs of my loved ones do not necessarily
Match my own, and when that proves true
Meeting my needs, within reason and
With discretion, does not make
A thoughtless, selfish person of me
I've also come to see that denial's aura of black magic
Which initially empowers us to keep sane during
A traumatizing experience, keeps us
In the dark about emotional scarring that
Blocks our sense of clarity when
Something that has scared us half to death
Remains subconsciously unhealed
And since subconscious scarring shows
No visual sign of that haunting experience on
The surface, We fail to see how
Yesteryear's unhealed trauma remains
Empowered to affect our
Decision-making process, negatively, today ...
On the other hand, each time my
Power of intuition speaks clearly to me
My strength of my spirit refuses to allow denial or
Undeserved guilt to cause me to fail to
Achieve a heartfelt goal, today
As a young woman, I had no clue that
My subconscious fear of carnal knowledge had limited
My creativity to costuming until decades later when
I took a class and encountered an
Unexpected experience that
Opened my eyes to this fact:
Under the right circumstances a frozen libido, such as
Mine had been, proves vulnerable to experiencing
A melt down in record breaking time ...
And in the aftermath of that experience ... Which
Surprised no one as much as me
The pleaser in me began to transform into
A stranger to my former self without benefit of
Undergoing metamorphosis within the safety of
The caterpiller's cocoon ... However rather than
Transforming into a social butterfly
I absorbed reason to grow ever more introspective and
Quietly reflective to the point of
Questing toward strings of insight, concerning
Peace of mind, as never before
Today's reflections suggest that, as a bride,
I'd brainstormed my way toward
Costuming in hopes of winning back the
Appreciative attention that had buoyed my spirit and
Made me feel safely loved when
Will had been my boyfriend, eager to
Take me in his arms and lead the dance in
Such a pleasing way as to entice me to
Freely choose to follow him down
The primrose path, where I'd happily
Accepted his proposal, which saw me
Land in our third floor, walk up apartment where
Much to my dismay, my husband's time was
Divided between two mistresses, whom
I'd perceived as being much more intriguing to
Will than my creative costuming proved to be ... and
If you ask what stopped me from developing
The courage necessary to
Voice my jealousy of Surgery and Sports ... Well
My brain had already developed the pattern of
Suppressing and stuffing any of my
Unruly emotions into a container that sat
Right next to the wall of denial, where
My repressed fear of abandonment had
Roped my decision-making process into making
Choices that served the needs of others while
Habitually ignoring my own, and as that
Behavioral pattern began to carve a deep channel into
My psche when Janet died and three year old
Winsome little me couldn't win a smile from
Loved ones (whose minds remained naturally
Preoccupied, distraught and utterly overwhelmed with
Confusion and grief for an extended period of time) no matter
How consistently and creatively I'd tried but failed to
Win back their attention, I cowered in the shadows of
Anxious despair until the birth of another
Dark haired, baby sister, whose
Blessed presence re-ignited my loved ones' smiles, which
I'd sadly missed and craved, coaxed back the sun, sooo ...
Once I'd felt lovingly embraced within the warm, safe haven of
Familial safety, again, my brand new subconscious fear of
Abandonment 'vowed' to do
Whatever seemed necessary to keep every
Spirit in our boat afloat ... suggesting that
Once my husband's exhausted mind became
Compulsively preoccupied with serving the needs of
His patients, my deeply entrenched
Abandonment issues called forth a summit conference between
My deeply repressed but intuitive Wild Thing, and my Fixer
And together, they out-voted my belief that
I was too unattractive to arouse Will's sexual ardor, two to one ...
And now that this detailed trip down memory lane has
Clarified why my contradictive choice to adorn my curves with
Leopard skin had actually made sense, I'll end by saying:
Whew! My brain is all tuckered out, because finding words to
Express insight into the complexity of
Today's complicated train of thought did not come easy!
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