2015
As Will continues to feel intrigued about my diagnosis, he stopped by the doctor's lounge at the hospital where he'd performed surgery for close to forty years. This took place yesterday: Upon asking the doctors in attendance if they were familiar with takostubo, each of these seasoned physicians responded with puzzlement. After listening attentively to Will's detailed description of my heart's ventricular dysfunction resultant of excessive adrenalin production in the aftermath of an exceptionally stressful encounter, each face looked as incredulous as had his own when he and I had reason to become aware of the brevity of this medical condition (discovered in Japan) which is, most often, self-resolvent except for the rare occasion when it can be fatal, suggesting why every heart abnormality is closely monitored by the cardiac staff.
Though every 'doc' is required by law to take continuing hours of education in their specialties, none in the lounge were cardiologists, suggestive of this fact: As qualified as Will's colleagues prove to be in their specialties, none had absorbed knowledge, concerning this particular cardiomyopathy, which during these past two decades has been diagnosed, worldwide, most often in women, over 50 years of age. I believe that finding is due to this fact: At one time, women were more likely to have been taught to repress or at least suppress the existence of their negatively focused reactions than was true of men, who were likely to have been taught to assert themselves during conflict. Needless to say, much of this changed during the sixties when the woman's liberation movement got underway.
No matter our level of expertise achieved in our professional fields, there's something new to learn, every day. And thus does common sense require us to develop open minded attitudes to ensure that egocentric mindsets do not block our think tanks from making astute use of listening skills, most especially during moments fraught with stress, born of deep-seated emotional conflict, which remains unresolved, overlong...
As one insight leads to the next, the importance of this detail just occurred to me:
During the 24 hour that I'd spent in intensive care, my mind was so busy percolating over the stressful event, which led my heart to experience ventricular dysfunction, that I'd not thought to inform anyone on the cardiac staff of this fact: I'm currently in recovery from PTSD, which was triggered on that Saturday evening when my character was attacked, deeming me unworthy of love ...
Each time a negatively focused misinterpretation of my motives has assaulted my character, I've listened to defensive rants that twist details of past events into that which was not true... Each time I listen to a combative attitude relate details, taken out of context, half a story twists the truth into a tall tale. And here's why I'll not listen to another assault of my best traits without an objective psychologist in the room: My credibility has been undermined so often, during the last decade, that my sense of trust in the listening skills of certain people has thoroughly corroded. Rather than trusting that I'll be heard with anything resembling clarity, here's what I'll do to protect the apex of my heart from ballooning, due to an over-production of adrenalin: If my character is attacked, I'll choose to distance myself and silence my replies, resulting in separation. As separation conflicts with my original goal (mindset) of being instrumental in retrieving extended family harmony for everyone concerned, I feel the need to remain in therapy for three reasons: I'm aware that every effort on my part to effect a reconciliation has been futile. Secondly, If words can't hurt me, I need to identify why these experiences continue to trigger episodes of PTSD, which stimulate my adrenal glands to produce an over abundance of adrenalin. Thirdly, I hope to be instrumental in working toward freeing the youngest generation, who are innocent of transgression, from experiencing the negatively focused domino effect that my generation and my mother's generation 'inherited' from her mother's generation each time a conflict, concerning the extended family, is in need of mutually respectful resolution.
Later in the day:
This afternoon, Will and I saw the therapist trained in EMDR, who, upon listening astutely to everything I felt need to say, cautioned me to stop drinking from my bottomless well of hope, concerning my feeling responsible for retrieving extended family harmony. Though I know she's right on the mark, resolving my inner conflict by accepting the fact that I've done everything possible to effect positive change, repeatedly, to no avail, requires my brain's acceptance of the serenity prayer:
Change what I can
Accept what I can't
And learn to know (and accept) the difference between the two ...
Suggestive of this fact:
The only neuron paths that I can work to
Change for the better are my own
And you can believe me when I say that
Working to forge healthy pathways for
Neurons to travel in hopes of detouring my reactions away from
Old mindsets, which deem me unworthy of
Familial love, proves to be exceptionally challenging to
Any person recovering from PTSD
So, rather than thinking to free
The youngest generation from
Whatever they may be fated to experience as
The future unfolds, I'll do better to refocus
My time, energy and efforts, more productively, by
*Working to identify thought patterns that
Trigger episodes of PTSD, such as the one
That caused the apex of my heart to balloon, last week
*And perhaps upon role modeling this endeavor of
Free myself from thought patterns that trigger PTSD
This Pied Piper may actually prove instrumental in
Influencing young minds to consciously create
Healthy pathways that detour their neurons
Away from guilt-ridden pathways, which
Serve no purpose other than to exacerbate
Inner conflict, which tears an otherwise sane mind in two
*In addition to the changes listed above
I cannot expect myself
To role model my values to such
An idealistic extent as to
Deny my spirit that which it needs, personally, to thrive
And once again, we've illuminated this universal mantra:
*Balance in all things ...
WOW! It seems probable that intuition may be guiding
Today's train of thought to pull into a station where
One more insight (which will provide me with
The inner strength necessary to
Resolve my inner conflict concerning
Family needs vs. personal needs) may be ready to be unpacked!
And as I believe today's train of thought is on the right track
That means my heart episode will not have been for naught!
And now that my mind has highlighted an insight as profound as that
I'm happy to say that, after writing this post, my spirit had reason to lighten!
As to the missing insight, which has not yet popped into
My conscious mind—well, as soon as it's done percolating
I have no doubt that my intuitive sense of readiness will
'Tell' me when it's fully baked ...
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