Confidence comes from trusting yourself but not from trusting yourself to be perfect
It's hard to have compassion for yourself when your habit is to hold yourself up to impossible standards
This is one of those times when you won't see the boomerang of your kindness returned
When your mind doesn't have clarity, there's another part of your body that does... Maybe it's your heart
Remember back when you had reason to set a boundary? You've been given reason to set it, again.
2015
I'm truly glad to know that my major vessels are fine.
On the other hand, reflective thought suggests that I expect myself to uphold impossible standards of hope, positive focus and self control, and with that thought in mind, My heart's reaction on Sunday ignited my interest in Dr. Mehta's studies, concerning stress-related, small vessel cardiac disease, found most often in women. The original term for this physiological reaction to stress is Tako-Tsubo, which is Japanese for an octopus shaped container.
After reading about Dr. Mehta's research, which
Offered me insight into my heart's ballooning reaction
Intuitive thought began to highlight
My need to make three changes, which won't be easy:
Change number one:
When my character is attacked
I need to loosen the reins on
My LINE OF CONTROL in order to
Feel the heat of my anger instead of
Repressing my reaction until
A rush of blood pounds through
My heart like TNT about to explode
Change number two:
While deflecting attack, I need to
Remind myself that my bottomless well of hope
Cannot be instrumental in working toward
Extended family harmony when
Clarity suggests that
One person, who needs control over all
Does not share my goal
As long as one person's subconscious attitude
Remains focused on domination vs submission
It's unrealistic to hope to resolve conflicts
In mutually respectful ways
In fact, deeper truth suggests that
Any attempt at conflict resolution remains
Futile When one mindset consistently
Insults the character of another
So, what stopped me from
Recognizing this reality before?
Unrealistic expectations based in ... denial
Denial of what?
Denial of this fact:
Each time I participate in one of these discussions
My frustration with futility deepens
Change number three:
Rather than defending my character, repeatedly
Logic suggests separating myself rather than
Responding to any negatively focused
Verbal attack, which targets me as
Scapegoat to blame for misdirected rage
No matter how often my character has been
Targeted as recipient of misdirected rage
I've worked to listen attentively in hopes of
Eventually achieving
A heartfelt reconciliation with a person
Whose attitude, when directed at me
Continues to be solidly negative and limbic
As negative attitudes prove defeatist in nature
Common sense suggests that
My hopeful attitude must change from
Brainstorming toward harmony toward shielding
My heartfelt vulnerability from repressing
So much frustration as to cause
My small cardiac vessels to spasm until
My heart signals dire distress by actually
Ballooning beyond control
After experiencing this physical reaction to
Emotional distress once—
Once is more than enough for me!
This afternoon, I'll run my outline for
This three-point plan (for good health)
Past my therapist, who, upon hearing of
My over-night stay in intensive care has
Chosen to fit me into
His schedule, late this afternoon, and
As my mind has been tiring too easily to
Concentrate on traffic
Will has offered to drive me
Needless to say this episode
Scared Will as much as me
Actually, Will felt much more fearful, because
My defense system buffered my brain
Suggesting my habit of repressing and denying
Depths of fear, as well as fury
Once my therapist
Works the magic that never fails to
Coax my subconscious to release
'An unknown factor'
An unidentified attitude that
Does not serve me well
Will filter into my conscious mind
And once insight into
This self defeating attitude is mine
I'll write a detailed account of what transpired
Between Saturday (when
This heart harming emotional spiral began)
And Tuesday, when the cardiologist in the Midwest
Gave me clearance to be discharged and
Fly home to rest in a peaceful environment where
My character feels safe from
Negativity's narrow minded attacks
While resting, I'll reflect over
This deeper truth that
My hopeful attitude has refused to accept:
This week's over-the-top experience
Actually offered me reason to choose life over death ...
Today, I am challenging my think tank to focus on
Taking a first step toward creating
A change for the better that proves
Within my realm of control, and
Here is why that's true:
Rather than aiming
My hopeful sense of concentration
Toward brainstorming until
Family harmony is achieved
I plan to reflect solely upon
Creating healthy changes within me
And as today's train of thought aligns with
The healthy path that my therapist has been
Coaxing my stubborn sense of hope to
Carve out for quite some time
I believe my coach will welcome
This tired, stubborn mind of mine with
A warm hug when I sit down and pour
Today's train of thought into an ear that
Has patiently focused on nudging me to
Switch tracks away from
My unrealistic expectation of
Achieving extended family harmony in favor of
Approaching this station, where
My plan to unload excessive amounts of
Hope, self control and positive focus will unfold
And once these necessary changes in attitude
Are truly mine, the futility of my mindset
Will no longer fuel overwhelming
Sensations of frustration that
Cycled round and round an unhealthy track
Where negative attitudes led me to shed
Far too many tears for too many years ...
It's of interest to note, that
Before flying to the Midwest
To celebrate my great-nephew's birth
I had been forewarned
By this same astute coach
(Who has studied human nature in
Much greater depth than me)
To remain on my guard ...
And since I'd listened attentively to
This slice of sage advice but found myself
Sucked into defending my character, yet again
That fact inspires me to ask this question:
Why do I so readily suck in venom when
A loved one repeatedly spews repressed rage that
Proves misdirected?
Though the answer to that riddle may be
Embedded somewhere within this post
Intuition suggests that some trait other than
My over abundance of
Hope, positive focus and self control is
Accountable for my subconscious 'choice' to
Repress the greater part of my fury and pain when
A person I love feels need to fling insult at me ...
As Awareness suggests that
This newly directed train of thought
Is approaching today's station
I'd like to take a moment to thank
A dear friend for feeding yesterday's
Hungry comment box with
Heartfelt expressions of love and support
And if Socrates has time to fly by to offer me
A high five for recognizing my need to
Switch to a track that will prove healthy
Over the long run
I'm going to unload a portion of my
Unrepressed frustration by
Telling His Sagefulness that
This business of seeking to know myself in depth
Proves more taxing on my heart than
My weary mind could fathom, until now ...
In fact, it's no wonder that
The majority, who make up the greater part of
The bell shaped curve, huddle together
In denial of deeper truths, concerning
Existential freedoms, which
Each human spirit needs to thrive
Early on, I'd thought safety depended upon
Huddling unnoticed within a group
Then later, I thought safety was insured by
Leading a group ...
Today, I'm of a mind to carve a path, which
Others may follow or not, where
My spirit thrives on
Intimate connections rather than
Surviving within the midst of any group
Lacking desire to seek insight into deeper truth
It's important to note that
Today sees me fully committed to
Carving a path, mapped out by
Intuition, which somehow
'Knows' what my spirit's sense of
Wholeness needs to thrive—and
Each time that miraculous sense of thriving is mine
You'll see my eyes sparkle with joy as naturally as
Ravi's innocence shines forth from
The inner sanctum of her sweet natured soul, and
Each time this deeply loved child showers us with
Smiles as bright as sunbeams
We can't help but connect with
The contagious nature of her sheer delight in life ...
After reading about Dr. Mehta's research, which
Offered me insight into my heart's ballooning reaction
Intuitive thought began to highlight
My need to make three changes, which won't be easy:
Change number one:
When my character is attacked
I need to loosen the reins on
My LINE OF CONTROL in order to
Feel the heat of my anger instead of
Repressing my reaction until
A rush of blood pounds through
My heart like TNT about to explode
Change number two:
While deflecting attack, I need to
Remind myself that my bottomless well of hope
Cannot be instrumental in working toward
Extended family harmony when
Clarity suggests that
One person, who needs control over all
Does not share my goal
As long as one person's subconscious attitude
Remains focused on domination vs submission
It's unrealistic to hope to resolve conflicts
In mutually respectful ways
In fact, deeper truth suggests that
Any attempt at conflict resolution remains
Futile When one mindset consistently
Insults the character of another
So, what stopped me from
Recognizing this reality before?
Unrealistic expectations based in ... denial
Denial of what?
Denial of this fact:
Each time I participate in one of these discussions
My frustration with futility deepens
Change number three:
Rather than defending my character, repeatedly
Logic suggests separating myself rather than
Responding to any negatively focused
Verbal attack, which targets me as
Scapegoat to blame for misdirected rage
No matter how often my character has been
Targeted as recipient of misdirected rage
I've worked to listen attentively in hopes of
Eventually achieving
A heartfelt reconciliation with a person
Whose attitude, when directed at me
Continues to be solidly negative and limbic
As negative attitudes prove defeatist in nature
Common sense suggests that
My hopeful attitude must change from
Brainstorming toward harmony toward shielding
My heartfelt vulnerability from repressing
So much frustration as to cause
My small cardiac vessels to spasm until
My heart signals dire distress by actually
Ballooning beyond control
After experiencing this physical reaction to
Emotional distress once—
Once is more than enough for me!
This afternoon, I'll run my outline for
This three-point plan (for good health)
Past my therapist, who, upon hearing of
My over-night stay in intensive care has
Chosen to fit me into
His schedule, late this afternoon, and
As my mind has been tiring too easily to
Concentrate on traffic
Will has offered to drive me
Needless to say this episode
Scared Will as much as me
Actually, Will felt much more fearful, because
My defense system buffered my brain
Suggesting my habit of repressing and denying
Depths of fear, as well as fury
Once my therapist
Works the magic that never fails to
Coax my subconscious to release
'An unknown factor'
An unidentified attitude that
Does not serve me well
Will filter into my conscious mind
And once insight into
This self defeating attitude is mine
I'll write a detailed account of what transpired
Between Saturday (when
This heart harming emotional spiral began)
And Tuesday, when the cardiologist in the Midwest
Gave me clearance to be discharged and
Fly home to rest in a peaceful environment where
My character feels safe from
Negativity's narrow minded attacks
While resting, I'll reflect over
This deeper truth that
My hopeful attitude has refused to accept:
This week's over-the-top experience
Actually offered me reason to choose life over death ...
Today, I am challenging my think tank to focus on
Taking a first step toward creating
A change for the better that proves
Within my realm of control, and
Here is why that's true:
Rather than aiming
My hopeful sense of concentration
Toward brainstorming until
Family harmony is achieved
I plan to reflect solely upon
Creating healthy changes within me
And as today's train of thought aligns with
The healthy path that my therapist has been
Coaxing my stubborn sense of hope to
Carve out for quite some time
I believe my coach will welcome
This tired, stubborn mind of mine with
A warm hug when I sit down and pour
Today's train of thought into an ear that
Has patiently focused on nudging me to
Switch tracks away from
My unrealistic expectation of
Achieving extended family harmony in favor of
Approaching this station, where
My plan to unload excessive amounts of
Hope, self control and positive focus will unfold
And once these necessary changes in attitude
Are truly mine, the futility of my mindset
Will no longer fuel overwhelming
Sensations of frustration that
Cycled round and round an unhealthy track
Where negative attitudes led me to shed
Far too many tears for too many years ...
It's of interest to note, that
Before flying to the Midwest
To celebrate my great-nephew's birth
I had been forewarned
By this same astute coach
(Who has studied human nature in
Much greater depth than me)
To remain on my guard ...
And since I'd listened attentively to
This slice of sage advice but found myself
Sucked into defending my character, yet again
That fact inspires me to ask this question:
Why do I so readily suck in venom when
A loved one repeatedly spews repressed rage that
Proves misdirected?
Though the answer to that riddle may be
Embedded somewhere within this post
Intuition suggests that some trait other than
My over abundance of
Hope, positive focus and self control is
Accountable for my subconscious 'choice' to
Repress the greater part of my fury and pain when
A person I love feels need to fling insult at me ...
As Awareness suggests that
This newly directed train of thought
Is approaching today's station
I'd like to take a moment to thank
A dear friend for feeding yesterday's
Hungry comment box with
Heartfelt expressions of love and support
And if Socrates has time to fly by to offer me
A high five for recognizing my need to
Switch to a track that will prove healthy
Over the long run
I'm going to unload a portion of my
Unrepressed frustration by
Telling His Sagefulness that
This business of seeking to know myself in depth
Proves more taxing on my heart than
My weary mind could fathom, until now ...
In fact, it's no wonder that
The majority, who make up the greater part of
The bell shaped curve, huddle together
In denial of deeper truths, concerning
Existential freedoms, which
Each human spirit needs to thrive
Early on, I'd thought safety depended upon
Huddling unnoticed within a group
Then later, I thought safety was insured by
Leading a group ...
Today, I'm of a mind to carve a path, which
Others may follow or not, where
My spirit thrives on
Intimate connections rather than
Surviving within the midst of any group
Lacking desire to seek insight into deeper truth
It's important to note that
Today sees me fully committed to
Carving a path, mapped out by
Intuition, which somehow
'Knows' what my spirit's sense of
Wholeness needs to thrive—and
Each time that miraculous sense of thriving is mine
You'll see my eyes sparkle with joy as naturally as
Ravi's innocence shines forth from
The inner sanctum of her sweet natured soul, and
Each time this deeply loved child showers us with
Smiles as bright as sunbeams
We can't help but connect with
The contagious nature of her sheer delight in life ...
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