Do you realize that post 1334 continued to lengthen, day by day? That each time I reviewed that summary of insights, new strings of insight popped out of my mind? Though it's true that a post may run on forever when my stream of conscious thought writes unrestrained, here's why my comfort zone suggests that's A-OK: Over time, my writing process calls forth an intelligent insight seeker who releases trains of thought that my conscious mind is in need of absorbing more deeply, today, than was true as recently as yesterday.
Let's consider this: The fact that I challenge my conscious mind with decoding secrets, repressed subconsciously during childhood, proves daunting to say the least! Each time I coax my defense system to hand over a ghost that literally scared an innocent child out of her wits, my adult decision making process simplifies, immeasurably. This proves important, because the fate of my destiny depends upon my ability to simplify trains of thought, which, at first, had proven so layered with emotional complexity as to have confounded, not just my sense of clarity concerning reality but the clarity of a renown therapist, whose PhD. degree failed to create an emotional environment so free of judgment as to coax my subconscious to pull back its curtain and expose anguish repressed during childhood.
If you ask why the debilitating nature of that experience, which
Lasted three years, did not turn me off to therapy, I'd reply:
Fortunately, I'd worked with an astute therapist, who had offered me
An emotional environment that felt so safe as to
Support my quest to deepen my self awareness, and
Since the encouraging manner of this therapist tuned into
My subconscious vulnerabilities, my defense system began to
Reveal wounded portions of my self esteem, yearning to heal
If you ask why I didn't return to the first therapist when
The second proved so unperceptive as to
Pour salt into my woundedness, I'd reply—
He'd retired—so for a while
The salted wounds of my self esteem and I were on our own
Thank goodness, intuition did not let me remain rudderless, over long
(And BTW, if you'd like to know why I'd continued to
Make appointments with a therapist, whose head proved too busy to
Coach me to identify pain, which I'd repressed throughout my life
I'd reply: At that time, my people-pleasing-peace keeper controlled
My decision-making process, which proved not to be
In my best interest more often than I knew)
If questing toward self discovery in hopes of gaining insight into
Wounded self esteem is the primary goal of therapy, then
You might think to ask:
Why do so many people, who are in need of
Freeing their minds and spirits of undeserved guilt, reject
Any suggestion of opening up to a therapist?
The answer to that question is simple:
Most of us who make up the bell shaped curve
Have little clue about the cause and effect relationship that
Exists between emotional repression and defensive reactions, which
Cause heartfelt goals to remain just beyond our reach—
Have you ever wondered where you and I might find ourselves on the bell-shaped curve? At one end of the emotional spectrum we'd see world class pleasers, who have little insight into coils of anger, repressed neath fear of failure or rejection. These people will do most anything that's asked of them in hopes of being accepted. (It's common to hear these people say: I don't need therapy—suggesting that therapy is reserved for those whose anger is quick to unleash.
On the other end of the spectrum are those, whose personal anguish remains repressed behind tight coils of fury, which, proves as explosive as TNT—suggestive of those quiet neighbors (or family members) who lash out with such hot blooded violence as to be condemned to live imprisoned for life within a cell. (Often times, that cell is not in a jail but inside our heads.)
Finally, we view the middle of the bell shaped curve where most of us prove so busy working to achieve goals, which remain just beyond reach, that we can't afford the expenditure of time, energy or dollars necessary to retain therapists, trained to guide us toward reclaiming portions of self esteem, torn painfully away during youth. Or—perhaps we see the same therapist for years without making a dent in our steely wall of denial.
If you ask: Isn't anyone well-balanced? I'd reply: To differing degrees, most of us are—except for Thor aspects of life in which we are not ... And there in lie our fatal flaws.
Regardless of where each of us falls on the bell shaped curve, common sense suggests that need-for-change-for-the-better speaks to—one and all. And knowing that the benefits of healing wounded portions of self esteem, which ooze anew when today's experience stimulates subconscious sensations of deja-vu, can cost a king's ransom, the teacher in me feels compelled to pass this layman's accumulation of knowledge forward to do with as you please—free of fees.
As you know, it's my choice to dive ever more deeply through layers of denial in hopes of freeing my brain of PTSD—which continues to be quite a feat. If you ask why I feel so committed to gaining clarity concerning reclaiming lost portions of my self esteem, I'd reply with these questions: Wouldn't everyone in their 'right' minds work to cleanse themselves of subconscious fears that complicate a person's decision-making process? I mean, who in their 'right' mind would allow emotional complexity, based in unidentified fear, to confound their think tank's ability to create change for the better—indefinitely?
Though you may not need to heal from PTSD, no one escapes childhood emotionally unscathed, suggesting we're all in need of identifying subconscious fears that deny us from achieving personal goals.
Recently, a friend of mine asked her therapist: How will I know when I'm healed?
Her therapist smiled and replied: You'll know.
Somehow, I feel close to achieving that goal ...
What makes me believe that to be true?
Well, speaking experiencially: Each time a wounded portion of my self esteem feels healed, my perception of the person I choose to be strengthens, proportionately. And as my self perception strengthens, my comfort zone expands. As my comfort zone expands, my decision making process matures. As my decision-making process matures, the courage of my convictions can be heard each time discretion decides the time is ripe to open my mouth and express my opinion in hopes of resolving a conflict by respectfully revealing insight into deeper truth, which defensive attitudes tend to miss ...
As I hone my ability to differentiate between natural fears, concerning love, life and death vs. traumatized fears, repressed in an unprocessed state, guess what happens? My control freak relaxes. And so does my peace of mind.
If at this time, you'd like to ask:
Annie how ready does your story teller feel to move forward, I'd reply:
Resistance continues to outweigh my story teller's sense of readiness, sooo ...
While waiting patiently for readiness to ready itself
Let's keep these next insights in the forefront of our minds:
The most difficult mind to teach is one that cowers, fearful of failure, behind
A many layered defensive wall
The most rewarding mind to teach belongs to one, whose thirst for knowledge has
Little reason to fear that which a compassionate teacher imparts artfully from the heart
If you ask me to name the subject that proves closest to my heart, I'd reply:
Mastering The Art of Giving and Receiving Love, Unconditionally
If you ask why we fall in love with those, whose traits seem to oppose our own—
Well—I had cause to ask Mother Nature that very question and
Finding herself in the hot seat, here's what she confessed under oath:
Opposites attract in hopes that both people may feel inspired
To embrace personal growth by learning from each other's strengths—otherwis
Repressed fears and defensive reactions gang up against mutual respect, and
Wen mutual respect feels pulverized
Half of the bell shaped curve lands up in divorce court
After listening astutely, I couldn't help but ask:
Well—since the divorce rate suggests that
Your original plan hasn't met with a high degree of success
What plan do you have in mind for us, next?
At this, Mother Nature looked to Socrates, who
Shrugged his shoulders while passing the baton to
The Bard, who passed the baton to Henry James, who
Conspired with Austin and Bronte, and though
Women finally broke through that glass ceiling
They passed the baton to Ingmar Bergman, who
Proving too dour for his own good
Passed the buck to Woody Allen, who, being neurotic
Turned his own family life into a sham
And finally, my niece pleaded with me to write a blog, expressing
That which I've chosen to learn about loving unconditionally—
And you can believe me when I say that as convoluted as
Some of my trains of thought prove to be—
I do my best to clarify that which I seek to learn, day by day—
In fact, in recent years, I've worked until my think tank
Feeling exhausted, pleads for downtime to re-energize—and now that
My ring master has gained control over the three ring circus that
Exists inside my head, a rebalanced sense of
Personal well-being is mine whether conflict arises or not ...
And hopefully, while sharing stories, concerning
My adventures through each stage of life
I'll do my best to impart insight into deeper truths, which may offer
Your heart, mind and spirit a greater sense of inner peace, too
BTW
I've not forgotten about posts, concerning newly exposed fears, not yet published ...
Or the story about gift giving at the holidays, left unfinished ...
All posts, stored in drafts, will show up at a later date
As for now, let's think back to that which was
Taking place in your life (or your parents' lives) during the year 1968, because
That's where my story teller plans to take us, once my think tank feels revived
All we're waiting for is my Ring Master to direct my sense of readiness to
Throw my time machine's gear shift into reverse and off we'll go ...
If you ask: Annie, what will your spirit do while readiness percolates?
I'd reply:
Pretty much whatever I want ...
Certain perks come with more candles on my birthday cake than I can believe!
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