If you asked me to name the insight I've been seeking, all along
I'd reply: I've been seeking insight into my fatal flaw, which
Proves to be my fear of this transgression:
Behind my wall of denial exists anger at loved ones
Holy smoke screens!
Ever since Janice died, anger terrified me
In fact, any expression of anger felt so alarming
That the mere hint of conflict breathed life into this peacekeeper
As emotional tension, crackling through the air, equated with
Danger, threatening to erupt, my defense system
Repressed my frustration behind a wall of denial before
I could feel rejected by anyone's frown ... including my own
The fact that I'd retained a numbed sense of anger
Burned holes in my peace of mind, condemning me to feel
'Guilty' of wrong doing until therapy coaxed me to
Develop the courage to seek insight into secrets I'd kept from myself
Though insight into one secret after another surfaced
Anger, numbed behind subconscious fear of rejection
Remained blocked from my conscious awareness for so long that
I had no clue how to pinpoint exactly what I was angry about
Today, it's plain to see that I have been very angry
At not feeling free to grow up to be uniquely ME!
Year after year, I've been working to grow wings that
Would not let me crash at the mere hint of a loved one's frown!
Do you know that fear, fury and undeserved guilt
Repressed in a deeply anesthetized state
Will appear to the naked eye as nervous tension or depression until
Conscious awareness of subconscious pain has reason to reawaken?
Do you know how often fear, fury and undeserved guilt
Repressed, over long, lead to substance abuse, which
Releases sudden eruptions of repressed violence?
For heaven sake! We need to know this stuff!
If you'd like to ask: What coping device can we call upon other than
Substance abuse, nervous tension, depression or a lifetime of denial?
I'd reply: Let's exchange feeling stuck in a rut for setting out on
A heartfelt quest into self discovery, where life's illusive goals are achieved
I've come to see that my recent state of restless, head-achy tension is
Symptomatic of my intuitive need to identify and release
Every last vestige of undeserved guilt, based in anger that
I'd feared to acknowledge as my own, over my lifetime
Anger at what?
The answer to that riddle resides in
Those posts, which have been written but not yet published
Anger at whom?
The answer to that riddle resides in
A series of stories, which readiness will release down the road
Why did I fear anger so much as to repress so much of my own?
Any expression of my anger might have released a tidal wave of frustration
Over the fact that I'd blocked my needs in favor of serving those I loved
I'd feared that releasing a tidal wave of repressed frustration might loosen
A maelstrom of such mega proportions as to make me forget my 'vow' to
Resolve conflicts in a peaceable manner with mutual respect intact
So, guess what happened when my wall of denial sprung a leak and
Needs I'd repressed were respectfully voiced? Loved ones, whose mindsets proved
So defensive as to turn a deaf ear, deemed me selfish for valuing myself
(Wow! Did my Line of Control come in handy during that deeply painful time!)
Since selfish people are difficult to love, my defense system felt conflicted whenever
I voiced any word or tone of voice that might give loved ones reason to
Believe that this peace keeper harbored even one self absorbed thought in her head
So, guess where that got me?
Stuck in a place where I felt damned if I silenced or voiced my needs, and that
Proved true until gains in personal growth reduced pain, based in undeserved guilt
Riddle #1
Do you know what increases once defensive anger and undeserved guilt
Are clearly identified and respectfully released?
That which increases as defensive reactiveness decreases
Proves to be generosity of spirit, and generosity of spirit is necessary to
Giving and receiving love, unconditionally
Riddle #2
If anger, based in undeserved guilt, exacerbates defensiveness then
What is needed to convey innocence of wrong-doing with self confidence?
In order to relieve ourselves of defensive anger, based in undeserved guilt
We need to brainstorm through a complex maze of emotional confusion until
A growing sense clarity, based in factual evidence, speaks of deeper truth
As I reflect over the fact that fear of rejection had forced me to
Swallow my voice much more often than not over most of my life, here is
The legacy of buried treasure that I hope to have passed to my sons:
I hope to have encouraged each one to absorb a deeply rooted
Confident sense of self esteem that inspires their
Wing spans to expand far and above that which had been true of mine
And as you have watched me labor to pull my subconscious fears and furies
Out by their roots, can you guess whose wing span plans to expand
Far more freely, during my golden years, than had ever felt possible before?
Though it's taken quite some time to focus a spotlight of insight upon
My subconscious mindset of guilt-ridden anger, which
Denied a frightened child of peace of mind ...
The adult I choose to be has worked, painstakingly, to gain clarity into
Situations which had catalyzed a lifetime of emotional complexity, and
With clarity restored, my restless sense of tension has sound reason to relax
With that said, guess who is about to retire her mindful state of
Hyper vigilance, which catalyzed my need to write toward insight, every day?
The control freak, whom I'd not consciously thought myself to be!
Horoscopic musings:
Though doing something you're good at can make you feel happy
You may forsake happiness if you feel you must be good for goodness sake
Everyone can be wrong about what's right for you ...
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