The thing I loved most—and still love the most about teaching—is that you can connect with an individual or group and see that individual or group exceed their limits—Mike Krzyzewski
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn—Benjamin Franklin
The greatest success for a teacher is to be able to say: The children are now working as if I didn't exist—Maril Montessori
A teacher affects eternity; she (or he) can never tell where her (his) influence stops—Henry Adams
I teach and write, because I can't not—Annie
2015
In case you wonder why I divide my brain into separate parts as I write, such as: my brainstorming think tank, my subconscious, my innate intelligence, my naive mind sets, my positive and negative attitudes, my voracious-mind-expanding-thirst-for-knowledge, my heartfelt capacity to embrace love, my intuitive insight-seeker, my imagination's creative planner, my adventurous, enthusiastic self confidence, my bursts of mental energy, my NGU sense of hope, my corny sense of humor, my high spirited smile, my extroverted wild thing, my introverted deep thinker, my memory bank, my conscious awareness, my joyous Pied Piper, my impassioned teacher, my intuitive need for personal growth, my patient sense of humility, my growing sense of self awareness, my compassionate instinct for nurturing broken wings, my natural instinct to coach youth, my people-pleasing-peace-keeper, my defense system's fear of rejection, my hyper-vigilant control freak, my pain center where repressed anger depresses my spirit's energetic lust for life, my wall of denial (behind which layers of emotion that I'm afraid to acknowledge—to myself—remain in a numbed but not deadened state) and—my newly assertive negotiator—there is method to my madness. When you stop to think about it, there's a lot more than we know going on inside our heads!
If I referred to my brain as a whole, it would be impossible to clarify the curious ways that its contradicting parts create the three ring circus that proves to be my inner life, which is made up of lions and tigers, whose roars are most often caged, and elephant-sized weights, which stomp on my peace of mind until corny clowns, honking horns, and dancing bears, twirling round and round, capture my attention until I spy the bare back rider in a barely-there costume that sparkles in the night whenever the spice in my spirit catches fire as I fantasize about high wire dare devils, flying through the air without so much as a care for the danger I fear—until the jugglers and acrobats, grounded, below, offer my thrill-seeker reason to calm, catch my breath and relax—until my insight seeker awakens with this alarming question hanging heavy in the air: Where might this non-stop circus, which serves as a metaphor for the commotion that takes place within your brain and mine, take us next if we have no conscious clue of our need to assign an experienced ring master as knowledgable leader, over all, so that, a steady eye is trained on every ring with this long range goal in mind: As long as I hold my intelligent ring master accountable for keeping a well-balanced view over details that others may miss, then little will fly over my head that might otherwise cause the Big Top, which shelters my personal sense of safety, to collapse on my watch. WHEW!
Each time my ringmaster signals my juggler to take time out to rebalance logic with emotion, my thought processor re-centers in such a self disciplined manner that my defense system feels less likely to look for a scapegoat to blame for unhappiness that runs deeper than my conscious mind can grasp on its own. Actually, I figure it this way: If my ringmaster had the gumption to develop listening, speaking and decision-making skills, which had joyfully, creatively and successfully launched three baby birds to fly so free as to feather their own nests, then somewhere inside my brain I must have developed the know-how to retire my life-long wrestling match with inner conflict in favor of launching my peace of mind—as in—Better late than never! Luckily, I'd consciously coached myself to role model self control while raising my young, so by the time my intuitive need for clarity implored me to employ a ring master, experienced in reorganizing yesteryear's thought patterns to adapt to the world we inhabit, today, I, being half way home, knew who to choose! DOUBLE WHEW!
OMG! No wonder why flames of repressed fury fry my peace of mind when I recall loved ones (whom I'd sheltered neath my wing) pronouncing me selfish or fragile when I'd respectfully expressed the fact that I had personal needs, which called for my time, energy and consideration, too. Thank goodness, my life as mom to three rambunctious boys had offered me reason to develop a LINE OF CONTROL, behind which I'd consciously suppressed tightly wound coils of tension until moments spent in time out calmed my frustration from springing out like a Jack in the Box, programmed to shout: I can't believe my ears! I didn't wear out because I'm selfish or fragile! I wore out from being so selfless and strong as to lift you up and carry you forth when tidal waves of frustration wore YOUR spirit down! I wore out from serving YOUR needs until I had no energy left to hold my head above the mental confusion of verbal nonsense that made no sense, at all! Once we made it to shore, I had to identify outdated mind sets, retire undeserved guilt, rest my weary mind and meet my needs in hopes of perking up my spirit while I'm still on this side of the grass! TRIPLE WHEW!
It's important to note that my frustration with loved ones did not drown my PEACE-KEEPER. In fact, once my PEACE-KEEPER acknowledged her role as ENABLER, concerning the unbalanced nature of our extended family dynamics, my heavy spirit had reason to grow buoyant. Why? Well, first of all, I had sound reason to cast the heavy weight of undeserved guilt overboard, and secondly, my peace-keeper and people-pleaser no longer felt conjoined. Once I stopped enabling everyone to depend so much on me, my people-pleaser retired. And after she relaxed, so did my fear of rejection during conflict. If you ask why that proved true, I'd reply: Because I no longer rejected myself!
When loved ones were not happy with this necessary change in me, I felt confused until anger, long repressed, emerged. Thank goodness my LINE OF CONTROL muzzled my tiger from lashing out with retorts that my peace keeper would surely regret. (Have you read THE LIFE OF PI?) As to the dancing bear, who'd been so well trained as to have grown too docile for words, she's developed the self awareness necessary to reclaim the self respect to freely say—sorry, but Dancing to your tune won't work for me, today. Upon grasping the importance of not guilting myself as selfish when my needs and the needs of others conflict, confusion bowed to clarity and, over time, my acceptance of human nature mollified my frustration, as well. EACH TIME CLARITY CAUSES CONFUSION TO SHRINK, AN EMOTIONALLY MATURED SENSE OF SELF CONFIDENCE STRENGTHENS MY VOICE, WHICH, OVER TIME, HAS GROWN EVER MORE BOLD.
*Thank goodness, 'better late than never' grew so mindful as to have developed a voice that respectfully expresses my needs with attention to detail, no matter how often listeners in denial turn a deaf ear.
Thank goodness my sense of hope remains intact, concerning reconnecting, meaningfully, with deeply valued relationships by way of brainstorming until clarity clears the air of emotional smoke screens, made up of defensive confusion, so that newly constructed bridges can address conflicting needs in a mutually respectful manner. And resultant of adventuring ever more courageously into self discovery, I'm glad to say that I did not lose my head!
Gosh! Look at how often respect popped up in this post!
Hey! Seen in that light, I'm not a selfish person, after all!
And at this point in time, I'm glad to say that clarity stops me from
Flogging myself with undeserved guilt when conflict arises—
Actually, no more flogging, anyone!
Why not?
Once repressed anger has been respectfully released and subconscious pain feels relieved
My heart invites compassion and forgiveness for crumpets and tea
And taking time for tea soothes the conflicted soul
Once my offspring were launched, Socrates swooped down from on high, and hovering close to my ear, the sage whispered—TIME TO KNOW THYSELF, ANNIE—with such strength of conviction that his message filtered through my wall of denial, straight into my soul. And like a hungry hummingbird, instinctively drawn to inhaling the fragrance of flowers, my soul felt need to be nourished by the sweet nectar of unconditional love as never before.
As one positive change leads to another, a deepening sense of intuitive thought inspired my think tank to seek out a Ring Master, whose intelligent brain felt inspired to accumulate a wealth of self-help knowledge so that, over time, the positively focused philosophy of this leader would guide the three ring circus within my head to travel along trains of thought so provocative as to brighten my think tank with strings of insight that deepened my conscious understanding of love, life and last but not least, both sides of myself. And now that my ring master has emerged from within my soul, my acrobats and jugglers have gained a new sense of balance between my need to tunnel toward Aha! moments (which enhance self awareness in ways that lighten my spirit) with those times when the wearied state of my insight-seeking mind needs to clown around, or just plain rest. As to my bare back rider, you can be certain that she'll show up in a story that's sure to entertain, down the road—and I know that to be true, because the PG13 nature of that true tale was penned, long ago ...
As today's train of thought approaches the next station, which awaits our arrival, it's plain to see why my hard working Ring Master is in need of a well deserved rest. You see, before I'd thought to call forth this knowledgable leader, who holds her resilence accountable for attaining a well balanced sense of control over the contradicting functions of this complex instrument that directs my life, the three ring circus within my brain had often felt as challenging to calm as an uncaged zoo.
And speaking of an uncaged zoo, Necessity, which proves to be the mother of invention, implored me to create five communication tools, which developed inside my head while raising my young. In truth, it was my need for sanity that conjured up these tools in hopes of guiding my sons' trains of thought to line up with a greater sense of decision-making clarity than had been true of me when I was a child. Once their wings took flight, my attention span had time to consider the circus train that cycled round and round inside my head in the dark of night when fear of conflict gnawed at my peace of mind.
As this circus train kept pulling my decision-making process from one inner conflict toward the next, my powers of intuitive thought had reason to seek insight into past events. And that was especially true when I began to question why the elephant in the room felt need to tiptoe over eggshells in hopes of not losing her footing. The more I came to understand about my past, the more the elephant the shrunk. And one day, I awoke to find that the elephant has transformed into a voice, versed in communicating my needs, openly, freely, respectfully, and most importantly ... Unconflictedly!
As strings of insight inspired my circus train to switch tracks from thoughts based in fear of rejection to clarity—concerning the person I have grown to be—my processor began to unload excess baggage, which had weighed so heavy on my mind as to cause my spirit's effervescent smile to slump.
Each time my circus train pulls into a station where excess baggage is unpacked and examined in depth, I gain a deeper understanding of a little girl's innocence, concerning unhealthy situations, long past, which had weighed so heavy within an unprocessed pocket of my subconscious as to cause the light hearted nature of my smile to tear up in the dark of night when everyone in my house slept soundly—except for deeply confused me.
How many times had a sweet little girl heard: Annie, don't feel that way!
As though feeling angry, jealous, tearful, fearful, frustrated or shy was—bad—rather than 100% natural ...
Though no one meant to make me feel as if any emotional reaction, during conflict was bad, a child's comprehension is so literal as to believe that a good girl or boy would 'jump to it' wearing a smile.
Though it's true that my mind still feels more weary than not, my spirit smiles to think of how far I've come in reclaiming myself as a whole, and I have no doubt that once my think tank has re-energized, my enthusiasm for penning true tales, concerning the three ring circus that life proved to be with my sons, will revive.
Upon reflection, I can see that the Pied Piper, whose playful nature created an environment of emotional safety in which her children felt free to express the full spectrum of their emotions clearly and naturally, awakened my need to be heard with the same sense of harmonic compassion that I'd offered my young instead of burdening the minds of three rambunctious little guys with undeserved guilt similar to that which I'd unknowingly begun to flog myself, subconsciously, beginning with my sister's tragic death, when I was three—
Though my Ring Master has repeatedly expressed need of rest, this is not to say that my tunneling days have reached the end of the line. Just saying it's my time to rest at this station and bask in the sun rather than collecting fireflies in the dark, at least for a while ...
Hopefully, these last few posts have offered you insight into why—once my sons were launched—it was high time that my well-practiced sense of leadership gained a deeper understanding of the complex, interactive functions of the three ring circus that continues to accompany me everywhere I go. And with that said, my trusty Ring Master has just reminded the rest of her crew to refresh the resilience of my positive attitude toward life and love by offering our brain, down time until my high spirited leadership skills feel fully stoked and ready to leap back into the center ring where upon blowing my whistle, the storyteller—who has been waiting, patiently, in the wings for her cue to strut her stuff—will reemerge, suggesting that before too long, your friend, Annie, will take center stage at age 24 ...
If you ask:
Annie, how do you know that everything you've expressed about your three ring circus is true?
I'd reply:
This is not my ring master's first rodeo, and she's the one who wrote this post :)
2015
In case you wonder why I divide my brain into separate parts as I write, such as: my brainstorming think tank, my subconscious, my innate intelligence, my naive mind sets, my positive and negative attitudes, my voracious-mind-expanding-thirst-for-knowledge, my heartfelt capacity to embrace love, my intuitive insight-seeker, my imagination's creative planner, my adventurous, enthusiastic self confidence, my bursts of mental energy, my NGU sense of hope, my corny sense of humor, my high spirited smile, my extroverted wild thing, my introverted deep thinker, my memory bank, my conscious awareness, my joyous Pied Piper, my impassioned teacher, my intuitive need for personal growth, my patient sense of humility, my growing sense of self awareness, my compassionate instinct for nurturing broken wings, my natural instinct to coach youth, my people-pleasing-peace-keeper, my defense system's fear of rejection, my hyper-vigilant control freak, my pain center where repressed anger depresses my spirit's energetic lust for life, my wall of denial (behind which layers of emotion that I'm afraid to acknowledge—to myself—remain in a numbed but not deadened state) and—my newly assertive negotiator—there is method to my madness. When you stop to think about it, there's a lot more than we know going on inside our heads!
If I referred to my brain as a whole, it would be impossible to clarify the curious ways that its contradicting parts create the three ring circus that proves to be my inner life, which is made up of lions and tigers, whose roars are most often caged, and elephant-sized weights, which stomp on my peace of mind until corny clowns, honking horns, and dancing bears, twirling round and round, capture my attention until I spy the bare back rider in a barely-there costume that sparkles in the night whenever the spice in my spirit catches fire as I fantasize about high wire dare devils, flying through the air without so much as a care for the danger I fear—until the jugglers and acrobats, grounded, below, offer my thrill-seeker reason to calm, catch my breath and relax—until my insight seeker awakens with this alarming question hanging heavy in the air: Where might this non-stop circus, which serves as a metaphor for the commotion that takes place within your brain and mine, take us next if we have no conscious clue of our need to assign an experienced ring master as knowledgable leader, over all, so that, a steady eye is trained on every ring with this long range goal in mind: As long as I hold my intelligent ring master accountable for keeping a well-balanced view over details that others may miss, then little will fly over my head that might otherwise cause the Big Top, which shelters my personal sense of safety, to collapse on my watch. WHEW!
Each time my ringmaster signals my juggler to take time out to rebalance logic with emotion, my thought processor re-centers in such a self disciplined manner that my defense system feels less likely to look for a scapegoat to blame for unhappiness that runs deeper than my conscious mind can grasp on its own. Actually, I figure it this way: If my ringmaster had the gumption to develop listening, speaking and decision-making skills, which had joyfully, creatively and successfully launched three baby birds to fly so free as to feather their own nests, then somewhere inside my brain I must have developed the know-how to retire my life-long wrestling match with inner conflict in favor of launching my peace of mind—as in—Better late than never! Luckily, I'd consciously coached myself to role model self control while raising my young, so by the time my intuitive need for clarity implored me to employ a ring master, experienced in reorganizing yesteryear's thought patterns to adapt to the world we inhabit, today, I, being half way home, knew who to choose! DOUBLE WHEW!
OMG! No wonder why flames of repressed fury fry my peace of mind when I recall loved ones (whom I'd sheltered neath my wing) pronouncing me selfish or fragile when I'd respectfully expressed the fact that I had personal needs, which called for my time, energy and consideration, too. Thank goodness, my life as mom to three rambunctious boys had offered me reason to develop a LINE OF CONTROL, behind which I'd consciously suppressed tightly wound coils of tension until moments spent in time out calmed my frustration from springing out like a Jack in the Box, programmed to shout: I can't believe my ears! I didn't wear out because I'm selfish or fragile! I wore out from being so selfless and strong as to lift you up and carry you forth when tidal waves of frustration wore YOUR spirit down! I wore out from serving YOUR needs until I had no energy left to hold my head above the mental confusion of verbal nonsense that made no sense, at all! Once we made it to shore, I had to identify outdated mind sets, retire undeserved guilt, rest my weary mind and meet my needs in hopes of perking up my spirit while I'm still on this side of the grass! TRIPLE WHEW!
It's important to note that my frustration with loved ones did not drown my PEACE-KEEPER. In fact, once my PEACE-KEEPER acknowledged her role as ENABLER, concerning the unbalanced nature of our extended family dynamics, my heavy spirit had reason to grow buoyant. Why? Well, first of all, I had sound reason to cast the heavy weight of undeserved guilt overboard, and secondly, my peace-keeper and people-pleaser no longer felt conjoined. Once I stopped enabling everyone to depend so much on me, my people-pleaser retired. And after she relaxed, so did my fear of rejection during conflict. If you ask why that proved true, I'd reply: Because I no longer rejected myself!
When loved ones were not happy with this necessary change in me, I felt confused until anger, long repressed, emerged. Thank goodness my LINE OF CONTROL muzzled my tiger from lashing out with retorts that my peace keeper would surely regret. (Have you read THE LIFE OF PI?) As to the dancing bear, who'd been so well trained as to have grown too docile for words, she's developed the self awareness necessary to reclaim the self respect to freely say—sorry, but Dancing to your tune won't work for me, today. Upon grasping the importance of not guilting myself as selfish when my needs and the needs of others conflict, confusion bowed to clarity and, over time, my acceptance of human nature mollified my frustration, as well. EACH TIME CLARITY CAUSES CONFUSION TO SHRINK, AN EMOTIONALLY MATURED SENSE OF SELF CONFIDENCE STRENGTHENS MY VOICE, WHICH, OVER TIME, HAS GROWN EVER MORE BOLD.
*Thank goodness, 'better late than never' grew so mindful as to have developed a voice that respectfully expresses my needs with attention to detail, no matter how often listeners in denial turn a deaf ear.
Thank goodness my sense of hope remains intact, concerning reconnecting, meaningfully, with deeply valued relationships by way of brainstorming until clarity clears the air of emotional smoke screens, made up of defensive confusion, so that newly constructed bridges can address conflicting needs in a mutually respectful manner. And resultant of adventuring ever more courageously into self discovery, I'm glad to say that I did not lose my head!
Gosh! Look at how often respect popped up in this post!
Hey! Seen in that light, I'm not a selfish person, after all!
And at this point in time, I'm glad to say that clarity stops me from
Flogging myself with undeserved guilt when conflict arises—
Actually, no more flogging, anyone!
Why not?
Once repressed anger has been respectfully released and subconscious pain feels relieved
My heart invites compassion and forgiveness for crumpets and tea
And taking time for tea soothes the conflicted soul
Once my offspring were launched, Socrates swooped down from on high, and hovering close to my ear, the sage whispered—TIME TO KNOW THYSELF, ANNIE—with such strength of conviction that his message filtered through my wall of denial, straight into my soul. And like a hungry hummingbird, instinctively drawn to inhaling the fragrance of flowers, my soul felt need to be nourished by the sweet nectar of unconditional love as never before.
As one positive change leads to another, a deepening sense of intuitive thought inspired my think tank to seek out a Ring Master, whose intelligent brain felt inspired to accumulate a wealth of self-help knowledge so that, over time, the positively focused philosophy of this leader would guide the three ring circus within my head to travel along trains of thought so provocative as to brighten my think tank with strings of insight that deepened my conscious understanding of love, life and last but not least, both sides of myself. And now that my ring master has emerged from within my soul, my acrobats and jugglers have gained a new sense of balance between my need to tunnel toward Aha! moments (which enhance self awareness in ways that lighten my spirit) with those times when the wearied state of my insight-seeking mind needs to clown around, or just plain rest. As to my bare back rider, you can be certain that she'll show up in a story that's sure to entertain, down the road—and I know that to be true, because the PG13 nature of that true tale was penned, long ago ...
As today's train of thought approaches the next station, which awaits our arrival, it's plain to see why my hard working Ring Master is in need of a well deserved rest. You see, before I'd thought to call forth this knowledgable leader, who holds her resilence accountable for attaining a well balanced sense of control over the contradicting functions of this complex instrument that directs my life, the three ring circus within my brain had often felt as challenging to calm as an uncaged zoo.
And speaking of an uncaged zoo, Necessity, which proves to be the mother of invention, implored me to create five communication tools, which developed inside my head while raising my young. In truth, it was my need for sanity that conjured up these tools in hopes of guiding my sons' trains of thought to line up with a greater sense of decision-making clarity than had been true of me when I was a child. Once their wings took flight, my attention span had time to consider the circus train that cycled round and round inside my head in the dark of night when fear of conflict gnawed at my peace of mind.
As this circus train kept pulling my decision-making process from one inner conflict toward the next, my powers of intuitive thought had reason to seek insight into past events. And that was especially true when I began to question why the elephant in the room felt need to tiptoe over eggshells in hopes of not losing her footing. The more I came to understand about my past, the more the elephant the shrunk. And one day, I awoke to find that the elephant has transformed into a voice, versed in communicating my needs, openly, freely, respectfully, and most importantly ... Unconflictedly!
As strings of insight inspired my circus train to switch tracks from thoughts based in fear of rejection to clarity—concerning the person I have grown to be—my processor began to unload excess baggage, which had weighed so heavy on my mind as to cause my spirit's effervescent smile to slump.
Each time my circus train pulls into a station where excess baggage is unpacked and examined in depth, I gain a deeper understanding of a little girl's innocence, concerning unhealthy situations, long past, which had weighed so heavy within an unprocessed pocket of my subconscious as to cause the light hearted nature of my smile to tear up in the dark of night when everyone in my house slept soundly—except for deeply confused me.
How many times had a sweet little girl heard: Annie, don't feel that way!
As though feeling angry, jealous, tearful, fearful, frustrated or shy was—bad—rather than 100% natural ...
Though no one meant to make me feel as if any emotional reaction, during conflict was bad, a child's comprehension is so literal as to believe that a good girl or boy would 'jump to it' wearing a smile.
Though it's true that my mind still feels more weary than not, my spirit smiles to think of how far I've come in reclaiming myself as a whole, and I have no doubt that once my think tank has re-energized, my enthusiasm for penning true tales, concerning the three ring circus that life proved to be with my sons, will revive.
Upon reflection, I can see that the Pied Piper, whose playful nature created an environment of emotional safety in which her children felt free to express the full spectrum of their emotions clearly and naturally, awakened my need to be heard with the same sense of harmonic compassion that I'd offered my young instead of burdening the minds of three rambunctious little guys with undeserved guilt similar to that which I'd unknowingly begun to flog myself, subconsciously, beginning with my sister's tragic death, when I was three—
Though my Ring Master has repeatedly expressed need of rest, this is not to say that my tunneling days have reached the end of the line. Just saying it's my time to rest at this station and bask in the sun rather than collecting fireflies in the dark, at least for a while ...
Hopefully, these last few posts have offered you insight into why—once my sons were launched—it was high time that my well-practiced sense of leadership gained a deeper understanding of the complex, interactive functions of the three ring circus that continues to accompany me everywhere I go. And with that said, my trusty Ring Master has just reminded the rest of her crew to refresh the resilience of my positive attitude toward life and love by offering our brain, down time until my high spirited leadership skills feel fully stoked and ready to leap back into the center ring where upon blowing my whistle, the storyteller—who has been waiting, patiently, in the wings for her cue to strut her stuff—will reemerge, suggesting that before too long, your friend, Annie, will take center stage at age 24 ...
If you ask:
Annie, how do you know that everything you've expressed about your three ring circus is true?
I'd reply:
This is not my ring master's first rodeo, and she's the one who wrote this post :)
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