Monday, June 29, 2015

1346 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

2015
Yesterday, I wrote of
Publishing the post in which
Stream of consciousness released
Insight into subconscious fear that felt
Too personal to expose to you until
Readiness to accept
The rawness of this fear was mine
Today brought reason to delay
Publishing that post, yet again
Why?
Because an unexpected event
Nearly shocked the life out of me, last night ...

I'm writing from intensive care
I had a mild heart attack
Thank goodness, I'll be fine
Writing 'I'll be fine' is cathartic
What a difference a day makes ... again

Sunday, June 28, 2015

1345 REMEMBER THOSE POSTS THAT FELT TOO RAW TO PUBLISH?

2015
Do you remember a short time back, when
A series of posts had been written but withheld, because
The unexpected emergence of certain subconscious fears
Felt so raw as to deem my vulnerability too naked to
Publish for public consumption?
Well, I wonder if those fears have had sufficient time to
Feel less raw (limbic) than had been true when
Intuition counseled me to protect my true self from your scrutiny

If my conscious mind has
Processed through the abstract nature of
Emotional reactiveness, which
Had dizzied my sense of inner balance, then
My absorption of deeper truth, concerning
This newly identified fear, may offer me
The readiness necessary to reveal this fear, which
Upon emerging from behind
My defense system's self protective wall of denial
Came as a surprise

You see, I had need to gain a sense of
Clarity, concerning authenticity
Before my sense of logic could muster the courage to
Absorb deeper truth into personal traits, which
My defense system had refused to reveal to me
And not until my conscious mind
Had fully accepted the fact that
My subconscious has harbored
Yet another trait, which proves less than desirable
Could I face being scrutinized by you

Now that my brain, working as a rebalanced whole
Has soothed the rawness of
My emotional reaction to this fear that has revealed itself to me
I feel ready to publish the post (written in
Intuitive stream-of-consciousness mode), which
Exposes the raw authenticity of that fear ...
And as it's time to ready myself to meet
My high school friend, Debbi, for lunch
I'll publish this post in hopes that
The post, exposing raw emotion
Will appear on your screen and mine, tomorrow ...

Friday, June 26, 2015

1344 EMOTIONAL HARMONY TAKES ORCHESTRATION

2015
Awakened smiling, this morning
Tonight I'll hold
My nephew's first child
In my arms for
The very first time
I'll hug and feel loved by
Cousins, who, during
Our youth, had been
My baby chicks, as
Many decades ago,
I'd babysat for all seven
And I'm aware of my spirit's
Eager sense of anticipating
Heartfelt moments with
Aunt Risa, who holds the scepter
Belonging to the generation of
Loved ones, who'd preceded my own
One day in the coming future
I, as eldest in our extended family, will
Inherit the moniker of matriarch as
Determined by age rather than
Need to crown myself
Empowered to control
The decision-making process of
Loved ones; in fact if I have my way
That baton will best be laid to rest, most especially
At those times when, rather than remaining
Entangled in a power struggle, I choose to
Orchestrate this harmonic perspective of
Family life for myself:  Live and let live

As for now ...
Tis time to enjoy an afternoon with
A dear high school friend while
Will drives off to enjoy
A high school friend of his own
As you shall see, Will and I
Have had cause to embrace
An emotional environment in which
Two unique individuals value
The concept of existential differentiation
And each time our respect for the concept of
Differentiation encounters sound reason to deepen
We are reminded that our sense of
Peaceful co-existence depends less upon
Aligning a loved one's personal needs to
Match one's own and more upon
Accepting this insight, which proves
Classic, universal and timeless:
Your needs will conflict with my needs
More often than we had been led to believe
And once our mindsets expand at least enough
To bid welcome to that deeper truth
The spirit of Socrates will swoop down from
On high to slip this slice of
Common knowledge into your ear and mine:
As life proves too short to
Waste whatever time we have left on
This side of the grass splitting hairs over
Whose shortcomings are
More in need of change-for-the-better
Let's switch tracks and
Make good use of our intelligence to
Influence the next generation to
Honor the concept of differentiation by
Choosing to model respectful methods of
Conflict resolution rather resorting to
Manipulative methods of
Mind control, based in attitudes of
Dominance vs. submission, which
Create more mental torment than
Most of us know ...

Each time I feel blessed to
Hold a babe in arms
My personal calling to disseminate
Five problem-solving tools ...
So simple as to be absorbed by
A preschooler's mind ...
Flares, anew ...
And since I'm about to hold
My great-nephew, today, for
The very first time
My story teller, who
Is itching to relate true tales
Concerning corralling a passel
Of wild stallions within
An emotional environment
Pulsing with high spirited
Respect for individuation, must
Place her patience hat securely
On her head until
She and I fly back to the desert, where
Time will be spent writing rather than
Offering myself the freedom to wallow in
The company of loved ones, who
Reside in the Midwest ... And
Now that you've witnessed
Two sides of my mind processing
Through conflict resolution while
Penning today's post
My smile and I feel eager to
Wallow in fountains of love with
Treasured family and friends ...
And if I'd thought to
Pack my magic wand
Guess who would spend time with
Every loved one who lives nearby?
Ah ... If only life proved
Less conflicting, more idyllic ...
What a glorious world this would be!

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

1343 FATE OFFERS THE UNEXPECTED AT EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

2015
As Ravi's hairline was styled by Fate
She's been under the care of
A pediatric dermatologist since birth, who
Diagnosed this sweet natured little beauty
With a Nevus, which is
A congenital birthmark, remarkable for this fact:
It grows hair
Last week, Ravi was referred to
A pediatric vascular plastic surgeon who
May or may not create a balanced hairline for
Our precious child, depending on
What develops as Ravi's natural hair grows in—
As for now, her parents' decision-making process
Is likely to remain in a holding pattern until
Their daughter, who delights in life, is two years old ...
And with that said, I'm off to enjoy a special treat in that
Ravi awaits my arrival to pick her up and
Whisk her off to my house where
We'll talk, laugh, liisten to music while cuddling up and
Play to our hearts' content until
Her daddy fetches her after work, and
Upon scooping her up in his arms, father and child will
 Jump into their bathing suits in readiness for
Ravi's  second tadpole swim lesson
Sweet natured baby—heart, mind and spirit soaking in love—
Lucky us!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

1342 I WRITE OF LOVE WHEN MY SOUL EXPRESSES NEED TO SPEAK ALOUD

Please bear with me as my soul has requisitioned my voice:

Here's the first thing my soul has need to say—
I write of love for this reason:  All but poets seem perplexed when asked to describe what happens when a pair of hearts feels so smitten as to set hearts pounding and heads reeling.  Though not a poet and I know it, I'm about to give it my best shot ...

Though everyone is not so fortunate as to be blessed with this heart pumping, head-spinning experience, those who fall under love's magic spell must loosen the reins on self control at least enough to empower love to outlast lust, which—in the absence of open mindedness—can feel every bit as doused as sparks can suddenly re-ignite and burst into flame once closed minded reactiveness gives way to personal growth.

Though lust is most often associated with sex, deeper truth suggests that desire relates to any strong craving that enervates the pleasure center of our brains.  As lust, desire and passion are cravings, there are times when I crave a hot fudge sundae, and nothing else will do ...

For more than four decades, I've craved time with my sons.  When they were small, all three craved more Mommy time w than I had to spare.  As our family circus expanded from one main attraction to amazing goings on in all three rings, Mom began to crave more one-on-one time with each child than children with busy schedules hungered for in return.  Once our family circus grew up, Mom continued to crave more one-on-one time than three busy adults could provide—and thus, with each stage of life change creates conflicts that prove natural.  And with conflict comes challenge to accept the necessity to make adjustments in hopes that needs will be served, all around—just not everyone's needs, all at once.

Though it's natural for my heart to hunger for time with each son—I am fully aware of a change, which has taken place over these past seven months:  The main attraction with whom I crave one-on-one time is Ravi—why?

Well first of all, she's brand new, utterly adorable, and—each time I react to daily aspects of life as seen through her spellbinding eyes, my sense of joy feels charmed, anew—and though my strong hold on reality rarely forgets how many decades older than Ravi I am, my spirit feels younger than springtime each time her effervescence comes to mind ...

While enjoying afternoons, which offer us both countless moments of pure delight, I do my best to draw forth words, expressing my personal sensations of joy.   Throughout each playdate, I find myself wholly engaged with the transparency of Ravi's boundless curiosity, emanating so naturally from the depths of her innate intelligence.

Though Ravi's cognitive thoughts have yet to develop, her bright little mind generates such an incandescent glow in response to our intuitive interactions that there's no doubt as to why the emotional environment we're creating deepens our heartfelt connection. 

Happily, Ravi enjoys play dates at Gramma's house at least twice a week, and from the moment we spy each other, the radiance of her baby blues ignites my cheek splitting grin.

Several times this week, Ravi greeted me by initiating her head shaking dance, and each time her adorable seven month old antics tickled my pleasure center, she was rewarded with sparkling peals of head-dancing laughter, expressing a love match made in heaven ...

Soon, I'll fly to the Midwest to celebrate the birth of my nephew's three month old son.  As extended family often ask what sustains my youthful glow, my soul would like to reply:  My spirit wallows in fountains of love, everywhere I go.

Reality suggests restraining my soulful response in favor of smiling with gratitude while offering a simple thank you, because my inner most thoughts have been known to produce eyeballs rolling, all around.  Every once in a while, intuition suggests a mindful connection with a person who 'gets me', and when that's the case, I cut decorum some slack, freeing my soul to emote aloud.  

At times when my soul feels so sad as to deplete my spirit of energy, my brain can't break its habit of sending love signals straight from my mind into my heart, and here's why I plan to hold on to that habitual trait throughout my life:  As long as my mind directs my heart to pump  love, my spirit may crash but you'll not see it burn.

Hey!  Guess what?  My train of thought has pulled into a station where I've unpacked a trait that's not excess baggage or in need of change for the better!  Woo Hoo!

Though some drink to love
I drink love in
And what goes in must come out
So, each time my soul feels need to speak aloud
You'll hear my voice expressing thoughts, flowing
Naturally from within a mind primed to
Create emotional environments pumped with love
And thus does each soulful thought, revealed
Ride out of my heart on the strength of this hope:
When two hearts are so fortunate as to
Connect with unconditional love
Both think tanks will brainstorm toward
Disarming defensive reactions, which
Might otherwise inhibit two head spinning spirits from
Drinking from the fountain of love—forever
BTW—Socrates clearly said:  Fountain of love
Unfortunately, Ponce de Leon turned a deaf ear and
Became a lonely old man—how doth I know that as true?
I don't.  My goofy sense of humor made it up

As we pull into today's station
Here's yet another reason why
Ravi's presence fills my pleasure center with
Sheer delight—For heaven sakes!
Who else but a babe in arms
Wants to listen to my soul, baring every feeling aloud?
Experience suggests—pretty much no one—other than
This child, whose whole body giggles with delight—not
Because she understands my words but because
Her bright young mind 'absorbs' my voice tones
Facial expressions and body language—
And guess what I receive in return for
Freeing my love so effortlessly?
I receive Ravi's smile, radiating warmth as
Bright as a sunbeam, and each time my soul feels heard
And my heart feels nourished
My spirit can't help but feel as youthful as a child's!

BTW—If readership considers today's post so sappy as to dwindle in numbers, I'll simply switch tracks and write for a famous couple, who is certain to appreciate the soulful bent of my trains of thought.  No doubt you've heard of the Hallmarks, who know full well that each time two souls bridge a gap, love trumps separation in the same way that airing my soul trumps my story teller's readiness to write!

Ravi's entire being giggling with pure delight!
Though star sapphires have been noted
Have I written of Ravi's uncommon hairstyle?

Monday, June 22, 2015

1341 STILL DRUNK ON LOVE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!

2015
We realize that the main thrust of Barry's attentions are
Focused on strengthening bonds of family life with
Marie and her tykes and rightfully so
Even so, on Father's Day, our eldest son
Embrace his parents and brothers with love by calling twice, and
When Marie and the boys chimed in
We hearts smiled with heartfelt appreciation for
All four, who are busily creating
A family circus of their own on the coast

As our youngest son decided to stay for one more night—Hooray!—
So, Steven and Celina will join us for dinner, offering
Ravi additional time to bond more deeply with her Uncle David
And as Angie and Mark (our closest buds) asked to join in the fun
All of our spirits feel buoyed with eagerness to party, together, again

So here's how our plan for today maps out:
A furniture delivery (a smoking sale)
Is scheduled for this morning, while Will golfs; then ...
A movie with David is planned for this afternoon ... after which
I'll need to rest before dinner, because
This marks the third straight day that
My spirit is running on an adrenalin high, and
Common sense suggests refueling my energy level Before
Opening my front door to welcome family and friends who
Enjoy each other's company as often as our busy lives permit

As you can see, memory offers
My ring master lots of reasons to look back
On a life well lived with contentment while 
Intuition anticipates my juggler's growing sense of
Agility, concerning my ability to balance
Unexpected surprises, some of which
Will delight me while others will call for
Creative problem solving skills when
Achieving a heartfelt goal requires tweaking a plan ...

'Horo-scoop'
You're drawn to non-traditional thinkers, which is why you've amassed an eclectic group of friends

It's common to get a better perspective of a plan that proves problematic by backing off from the problem so as to reconsider how to tweak the plan without abandoning a heartfelt goal

Decisiveness is a cosmic gift.  When confusion is strong, ask what you're missing; then listen to yourself without judgment and create what you need

Here's hoping that while your spirit enjoys yesteryear's sweetest memories
Your heart has reason to rejoice over the gift of a mirabilis day, today!
Your positively focused, drunk on love friend,
Annie

Annie and her Daddy
Circa—so many years ago, it blows my mind!
I love you, Dad
And I miss the way your smile embraced me so freely
More than words can say ...

Sunday, June 21, 2015

1340 ANNUS MIRABILIS

Annus mirabilis is Latin for
'The year of wonders' or 'The year of miracles'

Annus horribilis is Latin for
A year in which you feel so severely taxed as to hit rock bottom

"Life is wondrously and appallingly surprising
Anyone who doesn't know that is unarmed."  — Candice Bergen

As fate and the human condition offer us reasons to experience
Both extremes and everything in between, I've learned that
The state of my relationship with myself determines
The health of my relationships with everyone else — Annie

2015
Though my story teller's readiness is growing restless to write
Mirabilis holiday weekend is in conflict with my timing, sooo ...

Here's hoping your Father's Day is mirabilis while
Your mind, heart and spirit celebrate with family and friends

In addition to wishing you a day in which
Your heart overflows with the wonders of love ...

I wish you and yours the same Annus Mirabilis as
I wish for me and mine

And since the first half of 2015 has gifted me and mine with
Much more of 'the year of wonders' than not ...

I'll rejoice in the fact that our cup is more than half full, while
Hoping the same proves true for you and yours, too!

Steven and Ravi celebrating their first Father's Day at Gramma's and Grampa"s  :)




Saturday, June 20, 2015

1339 WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

Written by the late Andy Rooney, a man who
had the gift of saying so much with so few words:

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows..

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with..

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to b appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love (and clarity), not time, heals all wounds

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter  (Or more experienced) than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere..

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger   in his little  fist, you are hooked for life
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
2015
What have I learned?
I've learned that when it comes to learning about life, love and oneself, it's impossible to reach the peak of the mountain during our brief time on earth.  Even so, I'll continue to climb toward personal growth in hopes of gaining greater depths of insight into clarity, today, than proved true, yesterday.  And though I remain committed to clearing confusion out of my mind, I've learned to listen when intuition tells me to close up shop for a while and feel as wholly playful as if I'd been a child, who'd not had reason to stuff deeper truth concerning subconscious ghosts, who'd haunted my peace of mind, behind a wall of denial ...

What else have I learned?
I've learned that all work no play numbs awareness to pleasures I crave
As numbing my need for pleasure does not serve my spirit well
I'll make good use of insights, stacked high inside my head, by
Rejoicing over every positive aspect of my life, most especially
Family friendships, which mean the world to me ...

As David drove in from the coast, today, and
Steven, carrying Ravi, is walking through our front door, right now
I'm off to the living room to join in the fun on the rug, where
The antics of the youngest member of our family circus—who
Has, recently, grown to rock on all fours and
Sit up in a bobbling fashion—awaits her family's adoring attentions

I've learned that Ravi's contagious smile and
High spirited blue eyes light up each time
Her innate power of intuition instructs her to
Perform a magic trick that proves to
Delight her mommy, daddy, uncle, grampa and gramma ... and—

Ravi has learned that each time she locks eyes with one of us and
Her little pink tongue slips out of her mouth, offering up
Juicy raspberries, her just reward proves to be
Peals of adoring laughter from one and all, who
Appreciate this gift of happiness that
Her bright, sweet natured, sparkling presence
Offers to each of us so openly and freely

I've learned that to give freely is better than to receive
However to give till your spirit exhausts is to run out of fuel
And as emptied of fuel leads to spiritual frustration-stuck-in-a-rut—

I'm learning to refuel my spirit by
Gifting my heart, mind, time and energy
To those who have grown to truly appreciate
The woman whom I now know myself to be  ....

Friday, June 19, 2015

1338. CLARITY, SELF AWARENESS, CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND FAMILY LIFE

2015
During moments fraught with conflict
Mutual respect, clarity and patience are key to
Reconciling clashing needs

When mutually respectful conflict resolution with those you love
Remains beyond reach,  focus on the importance of
Modifying your voice tones, body language and choice of words

Though we can't change anyone's attitude for the better except our own ...
Insight into deeper truth suggests that
One positive change leads to another, over time ...

When respectful conflict resolution with loved ones is your long range goal
Common sense says:  Minimize your defensive reactions by remembering to
Monitor your voice tones and body language while choosing words with care

Needless to say, concentrating on self awareness and self control in hopes of
Influencing change for the better, during the heat of conflict
Proves quite a feat ... Forever!

Though practicing self awareness does not perfect self control
Working respectfully to achieve heartfelt goals amongst several generations
Proves worth our time, effort, energy and commitment

While teaching my sons to share toys and resolve their conflicts, respectfully
I learned quite a lot about my need to monitor my reactions if
I aimed to maintain emotional control over myself!

As character traits shape up during childhood, here is why
It's important to hone self confident, cooperative attitudes at home:
Family friendships strengthen, and we take our attitudes wherever we go

As you and I adventure through each stage of my family's three ring circus
You'll see why this Pied Piper felt inspired to model positivity and
Personal growth for my sons—each of whom absorbed many of my better traits ...

Three wild and crazy guys  Circa 1977   


Celebrating Grandma and Grandpa's 70th birhdays   circa 1982

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

1337 A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN AND A SWEET SURPRISE

2015
My pleasure center can't feel more blessed than this!

Yesterday, Ravi surprised me
By doing something that all healthy babies are expected to do
She advanced from one stage of mental achievement to the next
So, guess what happens each time
I gaze into the sparkle of her sapphire eyes and
Catch this precious child's innate intelligence imitating what she sees?
 I feel utterly mesmerized, and
All seems right with the world until Ravi is beyond my reach
At which time my pleasure center, longing to engage with
The natural sweetness of her smile, grows greedy for her presence
And that's a truth I can't deny

So, what did Ravi's inquisitive mind absorb that
Tickled my pleasure center during yesterday's play date?
Her intuitive nature, which proves eager to learn, watched
My head swing from side to side, conveying
A silent response indicating 'No', and
As her sweet baby blues locked into my own
Her charming little head swung from side to side, just like mine
Then, I, catching onto this vibe of connectedness between us
Shook my head, again, and
This time, Ravi mimicked me with such
A sparkling smile of glee as to tickle my own

Next thing I knew
This funny little munchkin, whose
Personality delights my spirit more than words can describe
Traded imitating me for initiating our head-shaking dance, repeatedly, while
I, feeling enthralled by Ravi's intelligence
Happily followed her lead!

Needless to say, our minds danced, again and again, until
Ravi's daddy arrived, at which time
I watched Steven fall under his daughter's spell, and
I have no doubt that as soon as my son
Carried this winsome lass from his car into their home
Ravi's natural charm invited her
Mommy's head and heart to dance with hers, as well ...

Upon awakening, this morning, I smiled to think of
How naturally Ravi's mindful absorption came full circle, suggesting
The quickness of a child's open-minded perceptiveness, which
Mimics adult behaviors months before
Language skills, conveying cognitive thoughts, develop

Though Ravi does not yet know that
Shaking her head from side to side indicates 'No'
Her bright little mind will come to understand that
'No' conveys dis-pleasure
And since her curious little mind is sure to hear NO, often—
And since NO proves easy to mimic—
'NO!' will be one of the first words that
Pops out of our sweet little girl's mouth unless
We think to say:  'Ravi, please stop' while
Captivating her curiosity elsewhere

In addition to word choice
Our body language and voice tones will prove consequential, because
Ravi's power of intuition is already absorbing everything
We do, say and unconsciously convey, inclusive of
Our positive and negative attitudes, which
Is why I offer parents, enrolled in my classes, this word to the wise:
Ravi has two parents to mimic ...
So, she'll absorb some mannerisms and traits from one and
Some from the other and
As she spends a considerable amount of time with Yours Truly
Her eager-to-learn (non-defensive) young mind will act like
A thirsty sponge during our play dates, as has already proved true

As for me, the fact of the matter is this:
Ravi's spirit proves so bright, sweet natured and lovable as to make
My pleasure center feel well fed each time
Her presence offers my heart reason to sparkle with joy
And though it's my good fortune to enjoy Ravi's sweetness
At least twice, weekly, I must admit that
My pleasure center yearns for more...
Quoting Deepak Chopra:
The only madness that is sane is the intoxication of love
And so  (with tongue in cheek)
I have reason to thank my high spirited sons, who
During their rambunctious youth
Offered me plenty of reason to develop, practice and model
My Line of Control!

Hey!  Guess what!
I have a feeling that my Ring Master
Is beginning to beckon my story-teller out of the wings ...

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

1336 A VISION OF PURE JOY

Ravi's sweet smile offers my heart
Reason to dance with joy as
She and I plan to splash in the spa
Then, wrapped in soft, fluffy towels
Our spirits will cuddle and laugh on the patio swing until
Our smarts decide to beat the desert heat by
Enjoying the rest of our play date inside where
Dry diapers, stimulating toys, a bottle and
An emotional environment, which proves
Harmonic for all ages, offers us both
A slice of heaven right here on Earth ...

Saturday, June 13, 2015

1335 IT TAKES A KNOWLEDGEABLE RINGMASTER (not a task master) TO RAISE THE FAMILY CIRCUS

2015
Do you realize that post 1334 continued to lengthen, day by day?  That each time I reviewed that summary of insights, new strings of insight popped out of my mind?  Though it's true that a post may run on forever when my stream of conscious thought writes unrestrained, here's why my comfort zone suggests that's A-OK:  Over time, my writing process calls forth an intelligent insight seeker who releases trains of thought that my conscious mind is in need of absorbing more deeply, today, than was true as recently as yesterday.

Let's consider this:  The fact that I challenge my conscious mind with decoding secrets, repressed subconsciously during childhood, proves daunting to say the least!  Each time I coax my defense system to hand over a ghost that literally scared an innocent child out of her wits, my adult decision making process simplifies, immeasurably.  This proves important, because the fate of my destiny depends upon my ability to simplify trains of thought, which, at first, had proven so layered with emotional complexity as to have confounded, not just my sense of clarity concerning reality but the clarity of a renown therapist, whose PhD. degree failed to create an emotional environment so free of judgment as to coax my subconscious to pull back its curtain and expose anguish repressed during childhood.

If you ask why the debilitating nature of that experience, which
Lasted three years, did not turn me off to therapy, I'd reply:
Fortunately, I'd worked with an astute therapist, who had offered me
An emotional environment that felt so safe as to
Support my quest to deepen my self awareness, and
Since the encouraging manner of this therapist tuned into
My subconscious vulnerabilities, my defense system began to
Reveal wounded portions of my self esteem, yearning to heal

If you ask why I didn't return to the first therapist when
The second proved so unperceptive as to
Pour salt into my woundedness, I'd reply—
He'd retired—so for a while
The salted wounds of my self esteem and I were on our own
Thank goodness, intuition did not let me remain rudderless, over long
(And  BTW, if you'd like to know why I'd continued to
Make appointments with a therapist, whose head proved too busy to
Coach me to identify pain, which I'd repressed throughout my life
I'd reply:  At that time, my people-pleasing-peace keeper controlled
My decision-making process, which proved not to be
In my best interest more often than I knew)

If questing toward self discovery in hopes of gaining insight into
Wounded self esteem is the primary goal of therapy, then
You might think to ask:
Why do so many people, who are in need of
Freeing their minds and spirits of undeserved guilt, reject
Any suggestion of opening up to a therapist?
The answer to that question is simple:
Most of us who make up the bell shaped curve
Have little clue about the cause and effect relationship that
Exists between emotional repression and defensive reactions, which
Cause heartfelt goals to remain just beyond our reach

Have you ever wondered where you and I might find ourselves on the bell-shaped curve?  At one end of the emotional spectrum we'd see world class pleasers, who have little insight into coils of anger, repressed neath fear of failure or rejection.  These people will do most anything that's asked of them in hopes of being accepted.  (It's common to hear these people say:  I don't need therapy—suggesting that therapy is reserved for those whose anger is quick to unleash.

On the other end of the spectrum are those, whose personal anguish remains repressed behind tight coils of fury, which, proves as explosive as TNT—suggestive of those quiet neighbors (or family members) who lash out with such hot blooded violence as to be condemned to live imprisoned for life within a cell.  (Often times, that cell is not in a jail but inside our heads.)

Finally, we view the middle of the bell shaped curve where most of us prove so busy working to achieve goals, which remain just beyond reach, that we can't afford the expenditure of time, energy or dollars necessary to retain therapists, trained to guide us toward reclaiming portions of self esteem, torn painfully away during youth.  Or—perhaps we see the same therapist for years without making a dent in our steely wall of denial.

If you ask:  Isn't anyone well-balanced?  I'd reply:  To differing degrees, most of us are—except for Thor aspects of life in which we are not ... And there in lie our fatal flaws.

Regardless of where each of us falls on the bell shaped curve, common sense suggests that need-for-change-for-the-better speaks to—one and all. And knowing that the benefits of healing wounded portions of self esteem, which ooze anew when today's experience stimulates subconscious sensations of deja-vu, can cost a king's ransom, the teacher in me feels compelled to pass this layman's accumulation of knowledge forward to do with as you please—free of fees.

As you know, it's my choice to dive ever more deeply through layers of denial in hopes of freeing my brain of PTSD—which continues to be quite a feat.  If you ask why I feel so committed to gaining clarity concerning reclaiming lost portions of my self esteem, I'd reply with these questions:  Wouldn't everyone in their 'right' minds work to cleanse themselves of subconscious fears that complicate a person's decision-making process?  I mean, who in their 'right' mind would allow emotional complexity, based in unidentified fear, to confound their think tank's ability to create change for the better—indefinitely?

Though you may not need to heal from PTSD, no one escapes childhood emotionally unscathed, suggesting we're all in need of identifying subconscious fears that deny us from achieving personal goals.

Recently, a friend of mine asked her therapist:  How will I know when I'm healed?
Her therapist smiled and replied:  You'll know.

Somehow, I feel close to achieving that goal ...
What makes me believe that to be true?
Well, speaking experiencially:  Each time a wounded portion of my self esteem feels healed, my perception of the person I choose to be strengthens, proportionately.  And as my self perception strengthens, my comfort zone expands.  As my comfort zone expands, my decision making process matures.  As my decision-making process matures, the courage of my convictions can be heard each time discretion decides the time is ripe to open my mouth and express my opinion in hopes of resolving a conflict by respectfully revealing insight into deeper truth, which defensive attitudes tend to miss ...

As I hone my ability to differentiate between natural fears, concerning love, life and death vs. traumatized fears, repressed in an unprocessed state, guess what happens?  My control freak relaxes.  And so does my peace of mind.

If at this time, you'd like to ask:
Annie how ready does your story teller feel to move forward, I'd reply:
Resistance continues to outweigh my story teller's sense of readiness, sooo ...
While waiting patiently for readiness to ready itself
Let's keep these next insights in the forefront of our minds:

The most difficult mind to teach is one that cowers, fearful of failure, behind
A many layered defensive wall

The most rewarding mind to teach belongs to one, whose thirst for knowledge has
Little reason to fear that which a compassionate teacher imparts artfully from the heart

If you ask me to name the subject that proves closest to my heart, I'd reply:
Mastering The Art of Giving and Receiving Love, Unconditionally

If you ask why we fall in love with those, whose traits seem to oppose our own—
Well—I had cause to ask Mother Nature that very question and
Finding herself in the hot seat, here's what she confessed under oath:
Opposites attract in hopes that both people may feel inspired
To embrace personal growth by learning from each other's strengths—otherwis
Repressed fears and defensive reactions gang up against mutual respect, and
Wen mutual respect feels pulverized
Half of the bell shaped curve lands up in divorce court

After listening astutely, I couldn't help but ask:
Well—since the divorce rate suggests that
Your original plan hasn't met with a high degree of success
What plan do you have in mind for us, next?
At this, Mother Nature looked to Socrates, who
Shrugged his shoulders while passing the baton to
The Bard, who passed the baton to Henry James, who
Conspired with Austin and Bronte, and though
Women finally broke through that glass ceiling
They passed the baton to Ingmar Bergman, who
Proving too dour for his own good
Passed the buck to Woody Allen, who, being neurotic
Turned his own family life into a sham
And finally, my niece pleaded with me to write a blog, expressing
That which I've chosen to learn about loving unconditionally—
And you can believe me when I say that as convoluted as
Some of my trains of thought prove to be—
I do my best to clarify that which I seek to learn, day by day—
In fact, in recent years, I've worked until my think tank
Feeling exhausted, pleads for downtime to re-energize—and now that
My ring master has gained control over the three ring circus that
Exists inside my head, a rebalanced sense of
Personal well-being is mine whether conflict arises or not ...
And hopefully, while sharing stories, concerning
My adventures through each stage of life
I'll do my best to impart insight into deeper truths, which may offer
Your heart, mind and spirit a greater sense of inner peace, too

BTW
I've not forgotten about posts, concerning newly exposed fears, not yet published ...
Or the story about gift giving at the holidays, left unfinished ...
All posts, stored in drafts, will show up at a later date

As for now, let's think back to that which was
Taking place in your life (or your parents' lives) during the year 1968, because
That's where my story teller plans to take us, once my think tank feels revived
All we're waiting for is my Ring Master to direct my sense of readiness to
Throw my time machine's gear shift into reverse and off we'll go ...

If you ask:  Annie, what will your spirit do while readiness percolates?
I'd reply:
Pretty much whatever I want ...
Certain perks come with more candles on my birthday cake than I can believe!

Thursday, June 11, 2015

1334 TEACHER, RING MASTER AND EVERYTHING THAT MAKES UP BOTH SIDES OF MYNATURE

NOTABLE QUOTES:

The thing I loved most—and still love the most about teaching—is that you can connect with an individual or group and see that individual or group exceed their limits—Mike Krzyzewski

Tell me and I forget.  Teach me and I remember.  Involve me and I learn—Benjamin Franklin

The greatest success for a teacher is to be able to say:  The children are now working as if I didn't exist—Maril Montessori

A teacher affects eternity; she (or he) can never tell where her (his) influence stops—Henry Adams

I teach and write, because I can't not—Annie

2015
In case you wonder why I divide my brain into separate parts as I write, such as:  my brainstorming think tank, my subconscious, my innate intelligence, my naive mind sets, my positive and negative attitudes, my voracious-mind-expanding-thirst-for-knowledge, my heartfelt capacity to embrace love, my intuitive insight-seeker, my imagination's creative planner, my adventurous, enthusiastic self confidence, my bursts of mental energy, my NGU sense of hope, my corny sense of humor, my high spirited smile, my extroverted wild thing, my introverted deep thinker, my memory bank, my conscious awareness, my joyous Pied Piper, my impassioned teacher, my intuitive need for personal growth, my patient sense of humility, my growing sense of self awareness, my compassionate instinct for nurturing broken wings, my natural instinct to coach youth, my people-pleasing-peace-keeper, my defense system's fear of rejection, my hyper-vigilant control freak, my pain center where repressed anger depresses my spirit's energetic lust for life, my wall of denial (behind which layers of emotion that I'm afraid to acknowledge—to myself—remain in a numbed but not deadened state) and—my newly assertive negotiator—there is method to my madness.  When you stop to think about it, there's a lot more than we know going on inside our heads!

If I referred to my brain as a whole, it would be impossible to clarify the curious ways that its contradicting parts create the three ring circus that proves to be my inner life, which is made up of lions and tigers, whose roars are most often caged, and elephant-sized weights, which stomp on my peace of mind until corny clowns, honking horns, and dancing bears, twirling round and round, capture my attention until I spy the bare back rider in a barely-there costume that sparkles in the night whenever the spice in my spirit catches fire as I fantasize about high wire dare devils, flying through the air without so much as a care for the danger I fear—until the jugglers and acrobats, grounded, below, offer my thrill-seeker reason to calm, catch my breath and relax—until my insight seeker awakens with this alarming question hanging heavy in the air:  Where might this non-stop circus, which serves as a metaphor for the commotion that takes place within your brain and mine, take us next if we have no conscious clue of our need to assign an experienced ring master as knowledgable leader, over all, so that, a steady eye is trained on every ring with this long range goal in mind:  As long as I hold my intelligent ring master accountable for keeping a well-balanced view over details that others may miss, then little will fly over my head that might otherwise cause the Big Top, which shelters my personal sense of safety, to collapse on my watch.  WHEW!

Each time my ringmaster signals my juggler to take time out to rebalance logic with emotion, my thought processor re-centers in such a self disciplined manner that my defense system feels less likely to look for a scapegoat to blame for unhappiness that runs deeper than my conscious mind can grasp on its own.  Actually, I figure it this way:  If my ringmaster had the gumption to develop listening, speaking and decision-making skills, which had joyfully, creatively and successfully launched three baby birds to fly so free as to feather their own nests, then somewhere inside my brain I must have developed the know-how to retire my life-long wrestling match with inner conflict in favor of launching my peace of mind—as in—Better late than never!  Luckily, I'd consciously coached myself to role model self control while raising my young, so by the time my intuitive need for clarity implored me to employ a ring master, experienced in reorganizing yesteryear's thought patterns to adapt to the world we inhabit, today, I, being half way home, knew who to choose! DOUBLE WHEW!

OMG!  No wonder why flames of repressed fury fry my peace of mind when I recall loved ones (whom I'd sheltered neath my wing) pronouncing me selfish or fragile when I'd respectfully expressed the fact that I had personal needs, which called for my time, energy and consideration, too.  Thank goodness, my life as mom to three rambunctious boys had offered me reason to develop a LINE OF CONTROL, behind which I'd consciously suppressed tightly wound coils of tension until moments spent in time out calmed my frustration from springing out like a Jack in the Box, programmed to shout:  I can't believe my ears!  I didn't wear out because I'm selfish or fragile!  I wore out from being so selfless and strong as to lift you up and carry you forth when tidal waves of frustration wore YOUR spirit down!  I wore out from serving YOUR needs until I had no energy left to hold my head above the mental confusion of verbal nonsense that made no sense, at all!  Once we made it to shoreI had to identify outdated mind sets, retire undeserved guilt, rest my weary mind and meet my needs in hopes of perking up my spirit while I'm still on this side of the grass!  TRIPLE WHEW!

It's important to note that my frustration with loved ones did not drown my PEACE-KEEPER.  In fact,  once my PEACE-KEEPER acknowledged her role as ENABLER, concerning the unbalanced nature of our extended family dynamics, my heavy spirit had reason to grow buoyant.  Why?  Well, first of all, I had sound reason to cast the heavy weight of undeserved guilt overboard, and secondly, my peace-keeper and people-pleaser no longer felt conjoined.  Once I stopped enabling everyone to depend so much on me, my people-pleaser retired.  And after she relaxed, so did my fear of rejection during conflict.  If you ask why that proved true, I'd reply:  Because I no longer rejected myself!

When loved ones were not happy with this necessary change in me, I felt confused until anger, long repressed, emerged.  Thank goodness my LINE OF CONTROL muzzled my tiger from lashing out with retorts that my peace keeper would surely regret.  (Have you read THE LIFE OF PI?)  As to the dancing bear, who'd been so well trained as to have grown too docile for words, she's developed the self awareness necessary to reclaim the self respect to freely say—sorry, but Dancing to your tune won't work for me, today.  Upon grasping the importance of not guilting myself as selfish when my needs and the needs of others conflict, confusion bowed to clarity and, over time, my acceptance of human nature mollified my frustration, as well.  EACH TIME CLARITY CAUSES CONFUSION TO SHRINK, AN EMOTIONALLY MATURED SENSE OF SELF CONFIDENCE STRENGTHENS MY VOICE, WHICH, OVER TIME, HAS GROWN EVER MORE BOLD.

*Thank goodness, 'better late than never' grew so mindful as to have developed a voice that respectfully expresses my needs with attention to detail, no matter how often listeners in denial turn a deaf ear.

Thank goodness my sense of hope remains intact, concerning reconnecting, meaningfully, with deeply valued relationships by way of brainstorming until clarity clears the air of emotional smoke screens, made up of defensive confusion, so that newly constructed bridges can address conflicting needs in a mutually respectful manner.  And resultant of adventuring ever more courageously into self discovery, I'm glad to say that I did not lose my head!

Gosh!  Look at how often respect popped up in this post!
Hey!  Seen in that light, I'm not a selfish person, after all!
And at this point in time, I'm glad to say that clarity stops me from
Flogging myself with undeserved guilt when conflict arises—
Actually, no more flogging, anyone!
Why not?
Once repressed anger has been respectfully released and subconscious pain feels relieved
My heart invites compassion and forgiveness for crumpets and tea
And taking time for tea soothes the conflicted soul

Once my offspring were launched, Socrates swooped down from on high, and hovering close to my ear, the sage whispered—TIME TO KNOW THYSELF, ANNIE—with such strength of conviction that his message filtered through my wall of denial, straight into my soul.  And like a hungry hummingbird,  instinctively drawn to inhaling the fragrance of flowers, my soul felt need to be nourished by the sweet nectar of unconditional love as never before.

As one positive change leads to another, a deepening sense of intuitive thought inspired my think tank to seek out a Ring Master, whose intelligent brain felt inspired to accumulate a wealth of self-help knowledge so that, over time, the positively focused philosophy of this leader would guide the three ring circus within my head to travel along trains of thought so provocative as to brighten my think tank with strings of insight that deepened my conscious understanding of love, life and last but not least, both sides of myself.  And now that my ring master has emerged from within my soul, my acrobats and jugglers have gained a new sense of balance between my need to tunnel toward Aha! moments (which enhance self awareness in ways that lighten my spirit) with those times when the wearied state of my insight-seeking mind needs to clown around, or just plain rest.  As to my bare back rider, you can be certain that she'll show up in a story that's sure to entertain, down the road—and I know that to be true, because the PG13 nature of that true tale was penned, long ago ...

As today's train of thought approaches the next station, which awaits our arrival, it's plain to see why my hard working Ring Master is in need of a well deserved rest.  You see, before I'd thought to call forth this knowledgable leader, who holds her resilence accountable for attaining a well balanced sense of control over the contradicting functions of this complex instrument that directs my life, the three ring circus within my brain had often felt as challenging to calm as an uncaged zoo.

And speaking of an uncaged zoo, Necessity, which proves to be the mother of invention, implored me to create five communication tools, which developed inside my head while raising my young.  In truth, it was my need for sanity that conjured up these tools in hopes of guiding my sons' trains of thought to line up with a greater sense of decision-making clarity than had been true of me when I was a child.  Once their wings took flight, my attention span had time to consider the circus train that cycled round and round inside my head in the dark of night when fear of conflict gnawed at my peace of mind.

As this circus train kept pulling my decision-making process from one inner conflict toward the next, my powers of intuitive thought had reason to seek insight into past events.  And that was especially true when I began to question why the elephant in the room felt need to tiptoe over eggshells in hopes of not losing her footing.  The more I came to understand about my past, the more the elephant the shrunk.  And  one day, I awoke to find that the elephant has transformed into a voice, versed in communicating my needs, openly, freely, respectfully, and most importantly ... Unconflictedly!

As strings of insight inspired my circus train to switch tracks from thoughts based in fear of rejection to clarity—concerning the person I have grown to be—my processor began to unload excess baggage, which had weighed so heavy on my mind as to cause my spirit's effervescent smile to slump.

Each time my circus train pulls into a station where excess baggage is unpacked and examined in depth, I gain a deeper understanding of a little girl's innocence, concerning unhealthy situations, long past, which had weighed so heavy within an unprocessed pocket of my subconscious as to cause the light hearted nature of my smile to tear up in the dark of night when everyone in my house slept soundly—except for deeply confused me.

How many times had a sweet little girl heard:  Annie, don't feel that way!
As though feeling angry, jealous, tearful, fearful, frustrated or shy was—bad—rather than 100% natural ...

Though no one meant to make me feel as if any emotional reaction, during conflict was bad, a child's comprehension is so literal as to believe that a good girl or boy would 'jump to it' wearing a smile.

Though it's true that my mind still feels more weary than not, my spirit smiles to think of how far I've come in reclaiming myself as a whole, and I have no doubt that once my think tank has re-energized, my enthusiasm for penning true tales, concerning the three ring circus that life proved to be with my sons, will revive.

Upon reflection, I can see that the Pied Piper, whose playful nature created an environment of emotional safety in which her children felt free to express the full spectrum of their emotions clearly and naturally, awakened my need to be heard with the same sense of harmonic compassion that I'd offered my young instead of burdening the minds of three rambunctious little guys with undeserved guilt similar to that which I'd unknowingly begun to flog myself, subconsciously, beginning with my sister's tragic death, when I was three—

Though my Ring Master has repeatedly expressed need of rest, this is not to say that my tunneling days have reached the end of the line.  Just saying it's my time to rest at this station and bask in the sun rather than collecting fireflies in the dark, at least for a while ...

Hopefully, these last few posts have offered you insight into why—once my sons were launched—it was high time that my well-practiced sense of leadership gained a deeper understanding of the complex, interactive functions of the three ring circus that continues to accompany me everywhere I go.  And with that said, my trusty Ring Master has just reminded the rest of her crew to refresh the resilience of my positive attitude toward life and love by offering our brain, down time until my high spirited leadership skills feel fully stoked and ready to leap back into the center ring where upon blowing my whistle, the storyteller—who has been waiting, patiently, in the wings for her cue to strut her stuff—will reemerge, suggesting that before too long, your friend, Annie, will take center stage at age 24 ...

If you ask:
Annie, how do you know that everything you've expressed about your three ring circus is true?
I'd reply:
This is not my ring master's first rodeo, and she's the one who wrote this post :)

Friday, June 5, 2015

1333 WHO CAPTAINS MY CONTROL FREAK?

2015
Have I mentioned that control freaks come in two varieties?
The first variety harbors this subconscious misperception:
'Safety' is assured by micromanaging every decision that rightfully belongs to others
The second variety harbors this subconscious misperception:
'Safety' is assured by denying personal needs, which, creating conflict, rock the boat
As opposites attract, the decision-maker connects with the peace-keeper
And all is well until life offers the person, who fears making waves
Reason to stumble through a door where curiosity, concerning
Self discovery, beckons, and as each step taken toward
Personal growth entices the peace keeper to dive ever more
Deeply into the great unknown, guess what emerges, over time?
The voice that this person, who'd feared making waves, had
Swallowed during childhood! And as this voice seeks sound reason
To grow ever more clearly self assured, personal needs, which
Had coiled up behind a wall of denial, begin to ride out of
Subconscious repression on waves of impassioned expression ...
And as one change leads to another, the relationship between opposites
Grows better or worse for this reason:
Relationships are living things, and living things
Don't stay the same, very long, and here is why that's true:
Living things need nourishment to bloom and thrive or
They shrink up and die...
Oh wait!  A third possibility exists, as well:
If, as we age, neither person grows wiser about the three ring circus that
Exists inside our heads then the vibrancy of both minds feels so burdened
With emotional confusion, concerning personal loss, as to sour the mind
If both minds grow more dour, year by year, then both spirits feel
Too weighted with grief to feel joyful, and in the absence of joy
Life feels too depressing for words—been there, done that ... thrice

If you ask about the current mental state of my brain, I'm glad to report that
Intuitive trains of thought inspired me to pen this post, suggesting
Reason for my spirit to lift as this next thought comes to mind:
My thought processor feels more relaxed than was true earlier in the week, and
If you ask whom I credit for creating that change-for-the-better
I'll introduce you to the ring master, whom I've recently employed to
Oversee my control freak, who'd felt need to write for hours in search of
Insight into clarity, every, single day!

Once my ring master gathered my control freak (who proves a stubborn
Task master) under her protective wing, my think tank felt less burdened by
My burning desire to know myself not as my defense system
Perceives me to be but as I really am

Though penning posts about darkly defensive times caused
My conscious mind to flood with emotionl confusion—which
Drained my spirit of energy each time a subconscious secret surfaced—
My inner task master refused to free my think tank to rest until recently, when
My powers of intuition felt need of a ring master, who was instructed to
Hold up a stop sign, which made my control freak slam on the brakes

Upon engaging with the relentless nature of my inner task master
My ring master said:  Enough diving for insight, already!  At least for now.
Once our think tank feels rested, we'll pull our three ring circus
Out of this rest station and switch tracks, so our train of thought
Can make headway toward arriving at our next destination, where
Re-enacting our adventures in parenting are sure to
Re-energize our spirit's sense of joy ...
Bottom line:  Time spent with Ravi is joyful, indeed; however
"Joy is an inside job", and knowing that quote to be true
I hold myself accountable for inspiring
My spirit to feel joyful, for sound reason, every day ...

After listening intently to every directive that
Rang out of my ring master's self confident
Storehouse of knowledge, clear as a bell
My control freak, feeling bested, respectfully requested
An explanation, describing the three ring circus, which, left leaderless
Creates such a discordant cacophony of combustible emotion as to
Make my head pound with so much confounding commotion as to
Interfere with my processor's innate potential to decrease defensive nonsense by
Developing a partnership between common sense and intelligence

At this point, if your curiosity, concerning that explanation, is peaking
Please tune in, tomorrow, when my description of
The three ring circus, which accompanies me every place I go
Shows up on your screen—and BTW, you can count on
That being true, because my control freak wrote and edited
That post before my Ring Master gained control over my brain, as a whole ...

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

1332 WHY DID I FEAR MY OWN EXPRESSION OF ANGER?

2015
If you asked me to name the insight I've been seeking, all along
I'd reply:  I've been seeking insight into my fatal flaw, which
Proves to be my fear of this transgression:
Behind my wall of denial exists anger at loved ones

Holy smoke screens!
Ever since Janice died, anger terrified me
In fact, any expression of anger felt so alarming
That the mere hint of conflict breathed life into this peacekeeper

As emotional tension, crackling through the air, equated with
Danger, threatening to erupt, my defense system
Repressed my frustration behind a wall of denial before
I could feel rejected by anyone's frown ... including my own

The fact that I'd retained a numbed sense of anger
Burned holes in my peace of mind, condemning me to feel
'Guilty' of wrong doing until therapy coaxed me to
Develop the courage to seek insight into secrets I'd kept from myself

Though insight into one secret after another surfaced
Anger, numbed behind subconscious fear of rejection
Remained blocked from my conscious awareness for so long that
I had no clue how to pinpoint exactly what I was angry about

Today, it's plain to see that I have been very angry
At not feeling free to grow up to be uniquely ME!
Year after year, I've been working to grow wings that
Would not let me crash at the mere hint of a loved one's frown!

Do you know that fear, fury and undeserved guilt
Repressed in a deeply anesthetized state
Will appear to the naked eye as nervous tension or depression until
Conscious awareness of subconscious pain has reason to reawaken?

Do you know how often fear, fury and undeserved guilt
Repressed, over long, lead to substance abuse, which
Releases sudden eruptions of repressed violence?
For heaven sake!  We need to know this stuff!

If you'd like to ask:  What coping device can we call upon other than
Substance abuse, nervous tension, depression or a lifetime of denial?
I'd reply: Let's exchange feeling stuck in a rut for setting out on
A heartfelt quest into self discovery, where life's illusive goals are achieved

I've come to see that my recent state of restless, head-achy tension is
Symptomatic of my intuitive need to identify and release
Every last vestige of undeserved guilt, based in anger that
I'd feared to acknowledge as my own, over my lifetime

Anger at what?
The answer to that riddle resides in
Those posts, which have been written but not yet published

Anger at whom?
The answer to that riddle resides in
A series of stories, which readiness will release down the road

Why did I fear anger so much as to repress so much of my own?
Any expression of my anger might have released a tidal wave of frustration
Over the fact that I'd blocked my needs in favor of serving those I loved

I'd feared that releasing a tidal wave of repressed frustration might loosen
A maelstrom of such mega proportions as to make me forget my 'vow' to
Resolve conflicts in a peaceable manner with mutual respect intact

So, guess what happened when my wall of denial sprung a leak and
Needs I'd repressed were respectfully voiced?  Loved ones, whose mindsets proved
So defensive as to turn a deaf ear, deemed me selfish for valuing myself

(Wow!  Did my Line of Control come in handy during that deeply painful time!)

Since selfish people are difficult to love, my defense system felt conflicted whenever
I voiced any word or tone of voice that might give loved ones reason to
Believe that this peace keeper harbored even one self absorbed thought in her head

So, guess where that got me?
Stuck in a place where I felt damned if I silenced or voiced my needs, and that
Proved true until gains in personal growth reduced pain, based in undeserved guilt

Riddle #1
Do you know what increases once defensive anger and undeserved guilt
Are clearly identified and respectfully released?

That which increases as defensive reactiveness decreases
Proves to be generosity of spirit, and generosity of spirit is necessary to
Giving and receiving love, unconditionally

Riddle #2
If anger, based in undeserved guilt, exacerbates defensiveness then
What is needed to convey innocence of wrong-doing with self confidence?

In order to relieve ourselves of defensive anger, based in undeserved guilt
We need to brainstorm through a complex maze of emotional confusion until
A growing sense clarity, based in factual evidence, speaks of deeper truth

As I reflect over the fact that fear of rejection had forced me to
Swallow my voice much more often than not over most of my life, here is
The legacy of buried treasure that I hope to have passed to my sons:

I hope to have encouraged each one to absorb a deeply rooted
Confident sense of self esteem that inspires their
Wing spans to expand far and above that which had been true of mine

And as you have watched me labor to pull my subconscious fears and furies
Out by their roots, can you guess whose wing span plans to expand
Far more freely, during my golden years, than had ever felt possible before?

Though it's taken quite some time to focus a spotlight of insight upon
My subconscious mindset of guilt-ridden anger, which
Denied a frightened child of peace of mind ...

The adult I choose to be has worked, painstakingly, to gain clarity into
Situations which had catalyzed a lifetime of emotional complexity, and
With clarity restored, my restless sense of tension has sound reason to relax

With that said, guess who is about to retire her mindful state of
Hyper vigilance, which catalyzed my need to write toward insight, every day?
The control freak, whom I'd not consciously thought myself to be!

Horoscopic musings:
Though doing something you're good at can make you feel happy
You may forsake happiness if you feel you must be good for goodness sake

It's been said that all fires start small.  You'll fan the one inside you with the kindling of your mind and the passion of your heart for this reason—
Everyone can be wrong about what's right for you ...

Monday, June 1, 2015

1331 CLOSING IN ON THAT MISSING INSIGHT

2015
So, you know that my therapist has been coaxing me to identify and release
Fear-based anger and undeserved feelings of guilt, repressed over my lifetime

Have you wondered why that's so hard for me to do?

In order for my brain to repress fear and anger from conscious awareness
My defense system must work at denying this fact:
Specific fears and furies, which have been
Gagged, tied and subconsciously buried alive behind my defensive wall
Have been kicking to express the truth of their existence ...  every day
Throughout each stage of my life

I find it of interest to note that your defense system and mine are
Empowered to build walls that prove impenetrable without
The guidance of astute, professional help

Within post after post you've watched my processor labor to
Give birth to strings of insight in hopes of identifying
The specific mind set that caused
A good little girl to condemn her guilt-ridden self
Unworthy of receiving love unless her character proved flawless

In light of the fact that you have watched me labor, intensively, to
Gain insight into my need to free a frightened child from feeling
So guilt-ridden as to deem her imperfections unlovable, I wonder if
You can identify the specific insight that
My processor is currently laboring to release?

(If today's riddle puzzles your processor, may I respectfully suggest releasing your
Deep sea diver to delve more deeply into the first two lines of today's post ...)