2015
Over the weekend, I received an email from a friend who recently moved out of town. Upon opening her email, here is what I read:
As this dear friend has adorned my hair with shimmers for several years, her offer to 'shimmer me up' when she's in town warmed my heart, so I replied: I'm rarely on facebook and did not know of your loss until your email arrived. I know you'd have chosen to be with your mother at the end. It must have been hard to receive news of her passing while you were in the middle of the ocean.
It's not easy for anyone to gain clarity into accepting that which is beyond our control. However, achieving clarity in order to free our minds of undeserved guilt is essential to gaining and maintaining inner peace at every stage of life, and here's why that proves especially true if we hope to age with grace: Over each person's lifetime, many layers of unprocessed guilt layer up. And the heavy weight of guilt exacerbates grief.
Common sense suggests that with death comes change. As one change leads to another, a series of unexpected changes, which took place in the aftermath of my father's death, confounded my sense of clarity. You see, change breathes life into conflict. Not necessarily new conflict, but rather conflict, which had been swept under the rug, suggesting that it remained unresolved from the past.
While grieving for my dad, 'this fixer' observed defensive attitudes and closed mind sets in need of change within others until I had reason to consult with an astute therapist, who continued to coax me to refocus my quest for clarity upon identifying attitudes and mind sets, which proved to be my own. Eventually, this therapist's patient, non-judgmental attitude guided me to tap into my need to garner the courage to 'Know Myself' more thoroughly than had been true during the 58 years that had come before my father's passing. And over time, I came to see myself as a person who had spent most of my life denying the existence of my own deepest fears.
While working to identify personal fears, which my defense system had thought best to repress within subconscious pockets of my mind when I was a child, the insight seeker was born. And since the astute nature of this therapist continued to coax me to identify and embrace both sides of myself as a whole, my powers of intuitive thought continued to deepen within the safe haven of an emotional environment that did not condemn me for considering my needs to equal the needs of those I love. In fact, with time, I came to see that valuing my needs proved to be the goal that my therapist was gently encouraging this people pleaser to achieve.
If you ask which cardinal rule this change in my attitude was messing with, I'd reply:
Selflessness is next to godliness, suggesting that anything other than selflessness must be selfish. And any time I entertained that which seemed to be a selfish thought, guess what followed? Guilt.
Over the weekend, I received an email from a friend who recently moved out of town. Upon opening her email, here is what I read:
While reading details concerning her mom's passing in the desert, I absorbed the fact that my friend received this sad news while she and her husband had been enjoying a Mediterranean cruise. My friend (whose mother was flown to the east coast where she was laid to rest next to her late husband) plans to visit family in the desert in June.Hi Annie,I don't know how often you're on Facebook so perhaps you didn't see... I posted a tribute to my mom who passed away on May 4 ...
As this dear friend has adorned my hair with shimmers for several years, her offer to 'shimmer me up' when she's in town warmed my heart, so I replied: I'm rarely on facebook and did not know of your loss until your email arrived. I know you'd have chosen to be with your mother at the end. It must have been hard to receive news of her passing while you were in the middle of the ocean.
Your offer to spend time with me is truly thoughtful and appreciated. If you find that that doesn't work for you, please feel 100% free to change your mind as needs be. As I learned, last year, your most important decision, each day, will be to figure out what YOU need to ease your way forward, suggesting flexibility to be your greatest ally, and as your friend, I'll want to take good care of you.
Feel my hugs across the miles,
Annie
My friend replied:
Thanks, Annie. I'll contact you when I'm in town, and we'll see if it works out for us both.
It's not easy for anyone to gain clarity into accepting that which is beyond our control. However, achieving clarity in order to free our minds of undeserved guilt is essential to gaining and maintaining inner peace at every stage of life, and here's why that proves especially true if we hope to age with grace: Over each person's lifetime, many layers of unprocessed guilt layer up. And the heavy weight of guilt exacerbates grief.
Common sense suggests that with death comes change. As one change leads to another, a series of unexpected changes, which took place in the aftermath of my father's death, confounded my sense of clarity. You see, change breathes life into conflict. Not necessarily new conflict, but rather conflict, which had been swept under the rug, suggesting that it remained unresolved from the past.
While grieving for my dad, 'this fixer' observed defensive attitudes and closed mind sets in need of change within others until I had reason to consult with an astute therapist, who continued to coax me to refocus my quest for clarity upon identifying attitudes and mind sets, which proved to be my own. Eventually, this therapist's patient, non-judgmental attitude guided me to tap into my need to garner the courage to 'Know Myself' more thoroughly than had been true during the 58 years that had come before my father's passing. And over time, I came to see myself as a person who had spent most of my life denying the existence of my own deepest fears.
While working to identify personal fears, which my defense system had thought best to repress within subconscious pockets of my mind when I was a child, the insight seeker was born. And since the astute nature of this therapist continued to coax me to identify and embrace both sides of myself as a whole, my powers of intuitive thought continued to deepen within the safe haven of an emotional environment that did not condemn me for considering my needs to equal the needs of those I love. In fact, with time, I came to see that valuing my needs proved to be the goal that my therapist was gently encouraging this people pleaser to achieve.
If you ask which cardinal rule this change in my attitude was messing with, I'd reply:
Selflessness is next to godliness, suggesting that anything other than selflessness must be selfish. And any time I entertained that which seemed to be a selfish thought, guess what followed? Guilt.
In recent weeks, following my cataract surgeries, I've felt intuition pressuring me to become aware of an unidentified change processing through my think tank, again. Today, I'm wondering if (in addition to adjusting to a pair of brand new eyes) a disorienting sensation of emotional confusion is finally tunneling its way toward clarity in that I'm closing in on pinpointing a mindset, which has been transitioning toward change for the better, over these past several years.
Though I've consciously known myself to be a good person, a sense of inner conflict has held my peace of mind captive in a 'bad' place, subconsciously. Why? Because each time I create the merest hint of conflict by voicing my needs, I feel bad. Reflection suggests that this has been true since my sister died, and my mom depressed when I was three. Each time I voice a need that makes a loved one frown, I feel rejected. Each time I 'cause' a smile to turn upside down, I reject myself. My sense of inner peace has wrestled to free itself from an unprocessed a state of subconscious confusion. I mean, picture a three year old thought processor struggling to comprehend a conundrum as complex as this! Upon reflection, it's no wonder that my insight seeker felt driven to quest into self discovery once the thought processor of a good, little girl grew up.
Though that insight into my dilemma is not new to me, here is what has crystallized recently: I can clearly expand my view of the conundrum that caught my sense of inner peace in a constant state of catch 22. Whenever I'd faced the choice of voicing or silencing my needs, inner conflict flared, suggesting no sense of peace, here or there. As life and change and conflict are the norm, it's plain to see how frequently inner conflict tore a good girl's intelligent mind in half. As long as this dilemma remained subconsciously unprocessed, life felt 'easier' when I swallowed my needs with a smile until, over time, many of my needs seemed to disappear—when in truth, they'd layered up in a tightly coiled, defensively repressed state. At three, if I'd made so much as one wave while tidal waves of grief crashed our leaky ship against the rocks, any impatience on the part of devastated adults caused me to feel tossed overboard—unworthy of receiving love ... Unless I 'acted' selfless. Eventually, selfless decisions grew into a habit, and it's quite difficult to repair the adult brain's habitual patterns.
So much for giving is better than receiving—suggesting that no rule—inclusive of golden rules—is meant to be black and white.
At this moment in time, my brain feels weary of questing toward understanding my relationship with the black and white nature of cardinal rules, which cause us to feel selflessness is good, suggesting that those who don't strive to achieve unattainable ideals must guilt themselves as being bad. And seen in that light, insight suggests that expecting perfection of oneself (or our loved ones) proves utterly unrealistic and exhaustingly preposterous, right? And yet, we expect that very thing, repeatedly.
Though I've consciously known myself to be a good person, a sense of inner conflict has held my peace of mind captive in a 'bad' place, subconsciously. Why? Because each time I create the merest hint of conflict by voicing my needs, I feel bad. Reflection suggests that this has been true since my sister died, and my mom depressed when I was three. Each time I voice a need that makes a loved one frown, I feel rejected. Each time I 'cause' a smile to turn upside down, I reject myself. My sense of inner peace has wrestled to free itself from an unprocessed a state of subconscious confusion. I mean, picture a three year old thought processor struggling to comprehend a conundrum as complex as this! Upon reflection, it's no wonder that my insight seeker felt driven to quest into self discovery once the thought processor of a good, little girl grew up.
Though that insight into my dilemma is not new to me, here is what has crystallized recently: I can clearly expand my view of the conundrum that caught my sense of inner peace in a constant state of catch 22. Whenever I'd faced the choice of voicing or silencing my needs, inner conflict flared, suggesting no sense of peace, here or there. As life and change and conflict are the norm, it's plain to see how frequently inner conflict tore a good girl's intelligent mind in half. As long as this dilemma remained subconsciously unprocessed, life felt 'easier' when I swallowed my needs with a smile until, over time, many of my needs seemed to disappear—when in truth, they'd layered up in a tightly coiled, defensively repressed state. At three, if I'd made so much as one wave while tidal waves of grief crashed our leaky ship against the rocks, any impatience on the part of devastated adults caused me to feel tossed overboard—unworthy of receiving love ... Unless I 'acted' selfless. Eventually, selfless decisions grew into a habit, and it's quite difficult to repair the adult brain's habitual patterns.
So much for giving is better than receiving—suggesting that no rule—inclusive of golden rules—is meant to be black and white.
At this moment in time, my brain feels weary of questing toward understanding my relationship with the black and white nature of cardinal rules, which cause us to feel selflessness is good, suggesting that those who don't strive to achieve unattainable ideals must guilt themselves as being bad. And seen in that light, insight suggests that expecting perfection of oneself (or our loved ones) proves utterly unrealistic and exhaustingly preposterous, right? And yet, we expect that very thing, repeatedly.
Having expended so much brain power working to know (both sides of) myself' ...
Perhaps it's time for me to switch tracks and just Be Myself' for a while
And now that that flash of insight has
Popped naturally out of my wearied think tank
It seems likely that my strong sense of intuition has been creating
It seems likely that my strong sense of intuition has been creating
A new pathway for neurons to travel, which will offer me safe passage while
My conscious mind continues to process this change for the better in my attitude:
My conscious mind continues to process this change for the better in my attitude:
Rather than working endlessly to KNOW myself, it's time to
Rest the weary SOLUTION SEEKER and simply BE myself ...
Rest the weary SOLUTION SEEKER and simply BE myself ...
And as one insight leads to the next ...
I have a feeling that intuition has been coaxing me to
Retire from brainstorming at least for a while in order to
RELAX all sense of tension, born of inner conflict, which
My brain has carried like a monkey on my back since
My sister died when I was three, and
Once my conscious mind releases subconscious guilt, which
Layered up every time I chose to
Voice needs, which proved of value to me
I'll enjoy BEING the GOOD person I KNOW myself to be ...
My brain has carried like a monkey on my back since
My sister died when I was three, and
Once my conscious mind releases subconscious guilt, which
Layered up every time I chose to
Voice needs, which proved of value to me
I'll enjoy BEING the GOOD person I KNOW myself to be ...
PS
Though those who love, respect and appreciate my strengths
Have implored me to lighten up on myself for years, I've had need to
Heed intuition coaxing my conscious mind to identify
Subconscious mindsets that cluttered my brain with excess baggage, which
Has weighed heavy upon my heart and spirit ever since
Childhood tragedy caused me to struggle with unprocessed PTSD
Heed intuition coaxing my conscious mind to identify
Subconscious mindsets that cluttered my brain with excess baggage, which
Has weighed heavy upon my heart and spirit ever since
Childhood tragedy caused me to struggle with unprocessed PTSD
Now that my think tank has brainstormed toward connecting
The dots conjoining countless strings of insight into that which
May be defined as an identity crises, I've developed
The hindsight to link together self conceived misperceptions, which
Made me feel like a bad little girl every time I chose to
Honor and respect my needs over the needs of others, and thus has
The dots conjoining countless strings of insight into that which
May be defined as an identity crises, I've developed
The hindsight to link together self conceived misperceptions, which
Made me feel like a bad little girl every time I chose to
Honor and respect my needs over the needs of others, and thus has
The weight of countless layers of undeserved guilt interfered with
My sense of clarity, which proves necessary to embrace
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be—WHEW!
My sense of clarity, which proves necessary to embrace
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be—WHEW!
Regardless of how I have been seen by others
My readiness to work at clearing
My mind of inner conflict, concerning
My acceptance of human imperfections
Had need to gain insight into lightening
Had need to gain insight into lightening
My darkened self perceptions before I could free
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be of
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be of
Undeserved guilt, carried forth since childhood, and
Tis time to release my whole brain to relax and enjoy
A much needed rest in hopes that upon
Refreshing my energy source, I'll feel such an abundance of
Self respect rise from within my depths as to
Rejoice in the knowledge that upon voicing my needs
My voice will feel free of undeserved guilt, at last—WHEW!
As to posts written last week, which have not yet been published
Emotions exposed in those posts do not feel nearly as
Complex, raw and private as had been true, at first
However, here is why those posts will remain unpublished for a while:
Complex, raw and private as had been true, at first
However, here is why those posts will remain unpublished for a while:
They were written at a time when emotional complexity created
Sentence structure so complex as to be in need of serious revision if
Communicating with clarity is my goal, and
Sentence structure so complex as to be in need of serious revision if
Communicating with clarity is my goal, and
At this point in time, my brain feels far too weary to begin to
Tackle the feat of that editing process, and so, with that said
I'll rest my mind until intuitive thought signals 'my' need to
Field the challenge of mental stimulation, again ...
As for now, I'll do little more than rest in hopes of
Readying my spirit to welcome this weekend's house guest ...
Tackle the feat of that editing process, and so, with that said
I'll rest my mind until intuitive thought signals 'my' need to
Field the challenge of mental stimulation, again ...
As for now, I'll do little more than rest in hopes of
Readying my spirit to welcome this weekend's house guest ...
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