2015
If dark secrets do not constitute the buried treasure I seek
Then what must that treasure be?
Lost portions of self esteem, which prove rightfully mine
Once my self esteem feels wholly restored
What can I expect as my just reward for a life well lived?
A rebalanced sense of inner peace, concerning the person I prove to be
If I know those two insights, concerning my character, are true
Then what blocks the restless nature of
My weary mind from feeling peacefully relaxed, right now?
Evidently, intuitive thought is coaxing my subconscious
Give birth to at least one more insight, concerning my past, before
My uterus, I mean my thought processor, feels free to relax
Actually, I'm so tired of laboring to give birth to insight
That once this next one slides out of my mind
I'm tying my tubes
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
1329 ARE WE ON THE SAME WAVE LENGTH?
2015
Upon awakening today
This question concerning insight into clarity popped out of my mind:
When I speak of myself as a deep sea diver seeking lost treasure
Or a master locksmith seeking the combination to open a safe
Do you know which treasures I hope to retrieve?
If you conceive of dark secrets as being the answer to today's riddle
May I respectfully suggest that you have reason to think, again ...
Upon awakening today
This question concerning insight into clarity popped out of my mind:
When I speak of myself as a deep sea diver seeking lost treasure
Or a master locksmith seeking the combination to open a safe
Do you know which treasures I hope to retrieve?
If you conceive of dark secrets as being the answer to today's riddle
May I respectfully suggest that you have reason to think, again ...
Friday, May 29, 2015
1328 AN ANSWER
2015
I just reviewed post 1326. Again
Why?
Well, once again, I've learned to listen when intuition coaxes
Inner need to speak to me, and guess what happened while
My sense of awareness absorbed
Strings of insight more thoroughly than before?
The answer to my question—concerning why
Inner tension (banging at my wall of denial) had lessened—came clear!
If you ask how that came to be, I'd reply:
Thinking, writing and re-writing deepens contemplative comprehension
While writing that post, intuition ignited insight that reflected
A negatively focused mindset; then, during the editing process
That insight ignited additional insights, and upon reviewing
That string of insights, my conscious awareness caught on to
A subconscious secret, which exposed a sense of self degradation that
Had layered up over my lifetime, and as long as
This secret remained in an unprocessed state
My sense of self degradation empowered a negative mindset to act like
A vice, squeezing the life out of my energy force in the still of the night
As long as this negative mindset remained captive behind
My wall of denial, I ignored the little voice that pleaded with me to
Figure out why keeping the peace seemed so vital as to silence my needs and
Opinions to the point of depriving my energy source from all sense of personal freedom
Thank goodness, my powers of intuition continued to
Hammer at my wall of denial until
One series of insights after another snapped, crackled and popped open
That padlock, which my defense system had placed on the door that had
Protected my conscious mind from feeling terrified when I was three, and
Over these past five years of penning my blog, you've watched me attempt to
Pick that lock as would a master locksmith, who (having lost
sight of the numbers that open the tumblers) worked until
The 'right' combination of insights fell into place, and as
The door in my wall of denial opened, guess what happened, next?
Several big 'bad' secrets slipped quietly into my conscious mind, at last!
It's not as if each of those secrets had never banged at
My wall of self-denial, before
In fact, each secret has been filtering, little by little, into
My conscious awareness for quite some time; however
Readiness to wholly embrace so many personal imperfections
Had not clarified the number one mindset in need of
Change for the better as clearly proves true, today
Holy cow! I am beginning to understand why
Exiting this mind maze has felt so challenging and confounding
As to feel overwhelming—time after time!
If you choose to scroll back to post 1326 and
Mull over the string of insights that my intuition coaxed
My worried, wearied, conscious sense of awareness to clarify
You, too, will get a feeling as to why my think tank's pounding tension
Felt sound reason to relax..
And now, having gained insight into why
My power of intuition kept coaxing
My weary mind to labor until several subconscious secrets emerged
I am beginning to understand why each of those secrets deemed me
So unworthy of love as to have caused me to roast myself over hot coals
In fact, I'm beginning to feel that my sense of clarity will soon
Be able to express the reason why feeling myself to be unlovable served
As the umbrella—under which a host of negatively focused mind sets had huddled
Sooo, if you'd like to review
That final string of insights, which offered me reason to
Sigh with relief and smile with pleasure over a life well lived
Please don't hesitate to back track while
I make my way into our kitchen to
Get coffee percolating and bagels toasting for
Will, our dear friend from the Midwest, and
Last but not least, "Me Too" ...
PS
I have a feeling that once our house guest flies home
I'll feel free to edit and post the unpublished trains of thought, which
Had felt too raw to expose for public consumption—until today ...
Or not ... who knows?
I just reviewed post 1326. Again
Why?
Well, once again, I've learned to listen when intuition coaxes
Inner need to speak to me, and guess what happened while
My sense of awareness absorbed
Strings of insight more thoroughly than before?
The answer to my question—concerning why
Inner tension (banging at my wall of denial) had lessened—came clear!
If you ask how that came to be, I'd reply:
Thinking, writing and re-writing deepens contemplative comprehension
While writing that post, intuition ignited insight that reflected
A negatively focused mindset; then, during the editing process
That insight ignited additional insights, and upon reviewing
That string of insights, my conscious awareness caught on to
A subconscious secret, which exposed a sense of self degradation that
Had layered up over my lifetime, and as long as
This secret remained in an unprocessed state
My sense of self degradation empowered a negative mindset to act like
A vice, squeezing the life out of my energy force in the still of the night
As long as this negative mindset remained captive behind
My wall of denial, I ignored the little voice that pleaded with me to
Figure out why keeping the peace seemed so vital as to silence my needs and
Opinions to the point of depriving my energy source from all sense of personal freedom
Thank goodness, my powers of intuition continued to
Hammer at my wall of denial until
One series of insights after another snapped, crackled and popped open
That padlock, which my defense system had placed on the door that had
Protected my conscious mind from feeling terrified when I was three, and
Over these past five years of penning my blog, you've watched me attempt to
Pick that lock as would a master locksmith, who (having lost
sight of the numbers that open the tumblers) worked until
The 'right' combination of insights fell into place, and as
The door in my wall of denial opened, guess what happened, next?
Several big 'bad' secrets slipped quietly into my conscious mind, at last!
It's not as if each of those secrets had never banged at
My wall of self-denial, before
In fact, each secret has been filtering, little by little, into
My conscious awareness for quite some time; however
Readiness to wholly embrace so many personal imperfections
Had not clarified the number one mindset in need of
Change for the better as clearly proves true, today
Holy cow! I am beginning to understand why
Exiting this mind maze has felt so challenging and confounding
As to feel overwhelming—time after time!
If you choose to scroll back to post 1326 and
Mull over the string of insights that my intuition coaxed
My worried, wearied, conscious sense of awareness to clarify
You, too, will get a feeling as to why my think tank's pounding tension
Felt sound reason to relax..
And now, having gained insight into why
My power of intuition kept coaxing
My weary mind to labor until several subconscious secrets emerged
I am beginning to understand why each of those secrets deemed me
So unworthy of love as to have caused me to roast myself over hot coals
In fact, I'm beginning to feel that my sense of clarity will soon
Be able to express the reason why feeling myself to be unlovable served
As the umbrella—under which a host of negatively focused mind sets had huddled
Sooo, if you'd like to review
That final string of insights, which offered me reason to
Sigh with relief and smile with pleasure over a life well lived
Please don't hesitate to back track while
I make my way into our kitchen to
Get coffee percolating and bagels toasting for
Will, our dear friend from the Midwest, and
Last but not least, "Me Too" ...
PS
I have a feeling that once our house guest flies home
I'll feel free to edit and post the unpublished trains of thought, which
Had felt too raw to expose for public consumption—until today ...
Or not ... who knows?
Thursday, May 28, 2015
1327 WHY DID MY TENSION RELAX?
2015
Not where I need to be—yet ...
Have I mentioned that over these past several days
I had a headache that just wouldn't quit?
This morning, I awoke with that headache pounding away
So wouldn't you surmise that my decision to
Ignore whatever was hammering for attention in favor of
Simplifying the complex nature of yesterday's train of thought was unwise?
Though my first thought to relax my mind seemed based in logic
Intuition kept coaxing me to scroll back to post 1326, and
Though my conscious mind remained clueless as to why
My first thought did not feel like my best thought
I decided to follow my intuitive need to review yesterday's train of thought
And guess what happened while my mind worked through that editing process?
My headache lessened, considerably, suggesting tension relaxing, again
If you ask: Annie, why did your tension relax?
I'd reply: Off the top of my head, I haven't a clue, and
Since my think tank feels too weary to brainstorm toward
Even so much as one more insight, today
I'll offer my insight seeker a much needed rest; however—
If Socrates whispers a plausible answer into your ear—
Comment box always eager to consider whatever you'd like to say ...
Not where I need to be—yet ...
Have I mentioned that over these past several days
I had a headache that just wouldn't quit?
This morning, I awoke with that headache pounding away
So wouldn't you surmise that my decision to
Ignore whatever was hammering for attention in favor of
Simplifying the complex nature of yesterday's train of thought was unwise?
Though my first thought to relax my mind seemed based in logic
Intuition kept coaxing me to scroll back to post 1326, and
Though my conscious mind remained clueless as to why
My first thought did not feel like my best thought
I decided to follow my intuitive need to review yesterday's train of thought
And guess what happened while my mind worked through that editing process?
My headache lessened, considerably, suggesting tension relaxing, again
If you ask: Annie, why did your tension relax?
I'd reply: Off the top of my head, I haven't a clue, and
Since my think tank feels too weary to brainstorm toward
Even so much as one more insight, today
I'll offer my insight seeker a much needed rest; however—
If Socrates whispers a plausible answer into your ear—
Comment box always eager to consider whatever you'd like to say ...
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
1326 MY BRAIN NEEDS A REST FROM ... BRAINSTORMING
2015
Over the weekend, I received an email from a friend who recently moved out of town. Upon opening her email, here is what I read:
As this dear friend has adorned my hair with shimmers for several years, her offer to 'shimmer me up' when she's in town warmed my heart, so I replied: I'm rarely on facebook and did not know of your loss until your email arrived. I know you'd have chosen to be with your mother at the end. It must have been hard to receive news of her passing while you were in the middle of the ocean.
It's not easy for anyone to gain clarity into accepting that which is beyond our control. However, achieving clarity in order to free our minds of undeserved guilt is essential to gaining and maintaining inner peace at every stage of life, and here's why that proves especially true if we hope to age with grace: Over each person's lifetime, many layers of unprocessed guilt layer up. And the heavy weight of guilt exacerbates grief.
Common sense suggests that with death comes change. As one change leads to another, a series of unexpected changes, which took place in the aftermath of my father's death, confounded my sense of clarity. You see, change breathes life into conflict. Not necessarily new conflict, but rather conflict, which had been swept under the rug, suggesting that it remained unresolved from the past.
While grieving for my dad, 'this fixer' observed defensive attitudes and closed mind sets in need of change within others until I had reason to consult with an astute therapist, who continued to coax me to refocus my quest for clarity upon identifying attitudes and mind sets, which proved to be my own. Eventually, this therapist's patient, non-judgmental attitude guided me to tap into my need to garner the courage to 'Know Myself' more thoroughly than had been true during the 58 years that had come before my father's passing. And over time, I came to see myself as a person who had spent most of my life denying the existence of my own deepest fears.
While working to identify personal fears, which my defense system had thought best to repress within subconscious pockets of my mind when I was a child, the insight seeker was born. And since the astute nature of this therapist continued to coax me to identify and embrace both sides of myself as a whole, my powers of intuitive thought continued to deepen within the safe haven of an emotional environment that did not condemn me for considering my needs to equal the needs of those I love. In fact, with time, I came to see that valuing my needs proved to be the goal that my therapist was gently encouraging this people pleaser to achieve.
If you ask which cardinal rule this change in my attitude was messing with, I'd reply:
Selflessness is next to godliness, suggesting that anything other than selflessness must be selfish. And any time I entertained that which seemed to be a selfish thought, guess what followed? Guilt.
Over the weekend, I received an email from a friend who recently moved out of town. Upon opening her email, here is what I read:
While reading details concerning her mom's passing in the desert, I absorbed the fact that my friend received this sad news while she and her husband had been enjoying a Mediterranean cruise. My friend (whose mother was flown to the east coast where she was laid to rest next to her late husband) plans to visit family in the desert in June.Hi Annie,I don't know how often you're on Facebook so perhaps you didn't see... I posted a tribute to my mom who passed away on May 4 ...
As this dear friend has adorned my hair with shimmers for several years, her offer to 'shimmer me up' when she's in town warmed my heart, so I replied: I'm rarely on facebook and did not know of your loss until your email arrived. I know you'd have chosen to be with your mother at the end. It must have been hard to receive news of her passing while you were in the middle of the ocean.
Your offer to spend time with me is truly thoughtful and appreciated. If you find that that doesn't work for you, please feel 100% free to change your mind as needs be. As I learned, last year, your most important decision, each day, will be to figure out what YOU need to ease your way forward, suggesting flexibility to be your greatest ally, and as your friend, I'll want to take good care of you.
Feel my hugs across the miles,
Annie
My friend replied:
Thanks, Annie. I'll contact you when I'm in town, and we'll see if it works out for us both.
It's not easy for anyone to gain clarity into accepting that which is beyond our control. However, achieving clarity in order to free our minds of undeserved guilt is essential to gaining and maintaining inner peace at every stage of life, and here's why that proves especially true if we hope to age with grace: Over each person's lifetime, many layers of unprocessed guilt layer up. And the heavy weight of guilt exacerbates grief.
Common sense suggests that with death comes change. As one change leads to another, a series of unexpected changes, which took place in the aftermath of my father's death, confounded my sense of clarity. You see, change breathes life into conflict. Not necessarily new conflict, but rather conflict, which had been swept under the rug, suggesting that it remained unresolved from the past.
While grieving for my dad, 'this fixer' observed defensive attitudes and closed mind sets in need of change within others until I had reason to consult with an astute therapist, who continued to coax me to refocus my quest for clarity upon identifying attitudes and mind sets, which proved to be my own. Eventually, this therapist's patient, non-judgmental attitude guided me to tap into my need to garner the courage to 'Know Myself' more thoroughly than had been true during the 58 years that had come before my father's passing. And over time, I came to see myself as a person who had spent most of my life denying the existence of my own deepest fears.
While working to identify personal fears, which my defense system had thought best to repress within subconscious pockets of my mind when I was a child, the insight seeker was born. And since the astute nature of this therapist continued to coax me to identify and embrace both sides of myself as a whole, my powers of intuitive thought continued to deepen within the safe haven of an emotional environment that did not condemn me for considering my needs to equal the needs of those I love. In fact, with time, I came to see that valuing my needs proved to be the goal that my therapist was gently encouraging this people pleaser to achieve.
If you ask which cardinal rule this change in my attitude was messing with, I'd reply:
Selflessness is next to godliness, suggesting that anything other than selflessness must be selfish. And any time I entertained that which seemed to be a selfish thought, guess what followed? Guilt.
In recent weeks, following my cataract surgeries, I've felt intuition pressuring me to become aware of an unidentified change processing through my think tank, again. Today, I'm wondering if (in addition to adjusting to a pair of brand new eyes) a disorienting sensation of emotional confusion is finally tunneling its way toward clarity in that I'm closing in on pinpointing a mindset, which has been transitioning toward change for the better, over these past several years.
Though I've consciously known myself to be a good person, a sense of inner conflict has held my peace of mind captive in a 'bad' place, subconsciously. Why? Because each time I create the merest hint of conflict by voicing my needs, I feel bad. Reflection suggests that this has been true since my sister died, and my mom depressed when I was three. Each time I voice a need that makes a loved one frown, I feel rejected. Each time I 'cause' a smile to turn upside down, I reject myself. My sense of inner peace has wrestled to free itself from an unprocessed a state of subconscious confusion. I mean, picture a three year old thought processor struggling to comprehend a conundrum as complex as this! Upon reflection, it's no wonder that my insight seeker felt driven to quest into self discovery once the thought processor of a good, little girl grew up.
Though that insight into my dilemma is not new to me, here is what has crystallized recently: I can clearly expand my view of the conundrum that caught my sense of inner peace in a constant state of catch 22. Whenever I'd faced the choice of voicing or silencing my needs, inner conflict flared, suggesting no sense of peace, here or there. As life and change and conflict are the norm, it's plain to see how frequently inner conflict tore a good girl's intelligent mind in half. As long as this dilemma remained subconsciously unprocessed, life felt 'easier' when I swallowed my needs with a smile until, over time, many of my needs seemed to disappear—when in truth, they'd layered up in a tightly coiled, defensively repressed state. At three, if I'd made so much as one wave while tidal waves of grief crashed our leaky ship against the rocks, any impatience on the part of devastated adults caused me to feel tossed overboard—unworthy of receiving love ... Unless I 'acted' selfless. Eventually, selfless decisions grew into a habit, and it's quite difficult to repair the adult brain's habitual patterns.
So much for giving is better than receiving—suggesting that no rule—inclusive of golden rules—is meant to be black and white.
At this moment in time, my brain feels weary of questing toward understanding my relationship with the black and white nature of cardinal rules, which cause us to feel selflessness is good, suggesting that those who don't strive to achieve unattainable ideals must guilt themselves as being bad. And seen in that light, insight suggests that expecting perfection of oneself (or our loved ones) proves utterly unrealistic and exhaustingly preposterous, right? And yet, we expect that very thing, repeatedly.
Though I've consciously known myself to be a good person, a sense of inner conflict has held my peace of mind captive in a 'bad' place, subconsciously. Why? Because each time I create the merest hint of conflict by voicing my needs, I feel bad. Reflection suggests that this has been true since my sister died, and my mom depressed when I was three. Each time I voice a need that makes a loved one frown, I feel rejected. Each time I 'cause' a smile to turn upside down, I reject myself. My sense of inner peace has wrestled to free itself from an unprocessed a state of subconscious confusion. I mean, picture a three year old thought processor struggling to comprehend a conundrum as complex as this! Upon reflection, it's no wonder that my insight seeker felt driven to quest into self discovery once the thought processor of a good, little girl grew up.
Though that insight into my dilemma is not new to me, here is what has crystallized recently: I can clearly expand my view of the conundrum that caught my sense of inner peace in a constant state of catch 22. Whenever I'd faced the choice of voicing or silencing my needs, inner conflict flared, suggesting no sense of peace, here or there. As life and change and conflict are the norm, it's plain to see how frequently inner conflict tore a good girl's intelligent mind in half. As long as this dilemma remained subconsciously unprocessed, life felt 'easier' when I swallowed my needs with a smile until, over time, many of my needs seemed to disappear—when in truth, they'd layered up in a tightly coiled, defensively repressed state. At three, if I'd made so much as one wave while tidal waves of grief crashed our leaky ship against the rocks, any impatience on the part of devastated adults caused me to feel tossed overboard—unworthy of receiving love ... Unless I 'acted' selfless. Eventually, selfless decisions grew into a habit, and it's quite difficult to repair the adult brain's habitual patterns.
So much for giving is better than receiving—suggesting that no rule—inclusive of golden rules—is meant to be black and white.
At this moment in time, my brain feels weary of questing toward understanding my relationship with the black and white nature of cardinal rules, which cause us to feel selflessness is good, suggesting that those who don't strive to achieve unattainable ideals must guilt themselves as being bad. And seen in that light, insight suggests that expecting perfection of oneself (or our loved ones) proves utterly unrealistic and exhaustingly preposterous, right? And yet, we expect that very thing, repeatedly.
Having expended so much brain power working to know (both sides of) myself' ...
Perhaps it's time for me to switch tracks and just Be Myself' for a while
And now that that flash of insight has
Popped naturally out of my wearied think tank
It seems likely that my strong sense of intuition has been creating
It seems likely that my strong sense of intuition has been creating
A new pathway for neurons to travel, which will offer me safe passage while
My conscious mind continues to process this change for the better in my attitude:
My conscious mind continues to process this change for the better in my attitude:
Rather than working endlessly to KNOW myself, it's time to
Rest the weary SOLUTION SEEKER and simply BE myself ...
Rest the weary SOLUTION SEEKER and simply BE myself ...
And as one insight leads to the next ...
I have a feeling that intuition has been coaxing me to
Retire from brainstorming at least for a while in order to
RELAX all sense of tension, born of inner conflict, which
My brain has carried like a monkey on my back since
My sister died when I was three, and
Once my conscious mind releases subconscious guilt, which
Layered up every time I chose to
Voice needs, which proved of value to me
I'll enjoy BEING the GOOD person I KNOW myself to be ...
My brain has carried like a monkey on my back since
My sister died when I was three, and
Once my conscious mind releases subconscious guilt, which
Layered up every time I chose to
Voice needs, which proved of value to me
I'll enjoy BEING the GOOD person I KNOW myself to be ...
PS
Though those who love, respect and appreciate my strengths
Have implored me to lighten up on myself for years, I've had need to
Heed intuition coaxing my conscious mind to identify
Subconscious mindsets that cluttered my brain with excess baggage, which
Has weighed heavy upon my heart and spirit ever since
Childhood tragedy caused me to struggle with unprocessed PTSD
Heed intuition coaxing my conscious mind to identify
Subconscious mindsets that cluttered my brain with excess baggage, which
Has weighed heavy upon my heart and spirit ever since
Childhood tragedy caused me to struggle with unprocessed PTSD
Now that my think tank has brainstormed toward connecting
The dots conjoining countless strings of insight into that which
May be defined as an identity crises, I've developed
The hindsight to link together self conceived misperceptions, which
Made me feel like a bad little girl every time I chose to
Honor and respect my needs over the needs of others, and thus has
The dots conjoining countless strings of insight into that which
May be defined as an identity crises, I've developed
The hindsight to link together self conceived misperceptions, which
Made me feel like a bad little girl every time I chose to
Honor and respect my needs over the needs of others, and thus has
The weight of countless layers of undeserved guilt interfered with
My sense of clarity, which proves necessary to embrace
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be—WHEW!
My sense of clarity, which proves necessary to embrace
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be—WHEW!
Regardless of how I have been seen by others
My readiness to work at clearing
My mind of inner conflict, concerning
My acceptance of human imperfections
Had need to gain insight into lightening
Had need to gain insight into lightening
My darkened self perceptions before I could free
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be of
The good hearted adult whom I consciously choose to be of
Undeserved guilt, carried forth since childhood, and
Tis time to release my whole brain to relax and enjoy
A much needed rest in hopes that upon
Refreshing my energy source, I'll feel such an abundance of
Self respect rise from within my depths as to
Rejoice in the knowledge that upon voicing my needs
My voice will feel free of undeserved guilt, at last—WHEW!
As to posts written last week, which have not yet been published
Emotions exposed in those posts do not feel nearly as
Complex, raw and private as had been true, at first
However, here is why those posts will remain unpublished for a while:
Complex, raw and private as had been true, at first
However, here is why those posts will remain unpublished for a while:
They were written at a time when emotional complexity created
Sentence structure so complex as to be in need of serious revision if
Communicating with clarity is my goal, and
Sentence structure so complex as to be in need of serious revision if
Communicating with clarity is my goal, and
At this point in time, my brain feels far too weary to begin to
Tackle the feat of that editing process, and so, with that said
I'll rest my mind until intuitive thought signals 'my' need to
Field the challenge of mental stimulation, again ...
As for now, I'll do little more than rest in hopes of
Readying my spirit to welcome this weekend's house guest ...
Tackle the feat of that editing process, and so, with that said
I'll rest my mind until intuitive thought signals 'my' need to
Field the challenge of mental stimulation, again ...
As for now, I'll do little more than rest in hopes of
Readying my spirit to welcome this weekend's house guest ...
Friday, May 22, 2015
1325 THANK GOODNESS FOR SECOND THOUGHT
2015
Whoops! Looks like my first thought was not my best thought, again!
It seems that this Fixer is not ready to retire as fully, as I'd surmised
What I have retired from is trying to fix that which is broken in others ... unless
Others, asking for guidance, are ready to steer their ships
Out of a fog toward The Cape of Good Hope where all aboard recognize
The need to brainstorm toward change for the better by
Focusing in on positive plans of action aimed at resolving conflicts in
Such a self-disciplined manner as to bring everyone involved safely ashore
What I won't do is dive into the midst of a maelstrom, where
Captain and crew, flailing around, angrily, sink all hope of
Conciliatory conflict resolution by seeking a scapegoat to blame when
Tidal waves of emotion capsize every tug boat that has failed to
Pull dissenting opinions—concerning who is most at fault—to shore
As to fixing the world, well
Guess what I just read in this month's Reader Digest?
An article titled: The World Is Not Falling Apart
Quoting Steven Pinker and Andrew Mack, co-authors of said article:
"Poverty, crime and violence are down
Freedom and Democracy Are Up"
Suggesting reason to retire attitudes of gloom and doom, reminiscent of
Chicken Little, in favor of relating true tales, concerning
Simple plans of action that served to resolve conflicts in a
Win/win fashion, resulting in a lasting sense of
Mutual respect, which developed, over time, amongst our family of five ...
And once those stories have been posted
There's no telling which series of posts may pop up next?
Whoops! Looks like my first thought was not my best thought, again!
It seems that this Fixer is not ready to retire as fully, as I'd surmised
What I have retired from is trying to fix that which is broken in others ... unless
Others, asking for guidance, are ready to steer their ships
Out of a fog toward The Cape of Good Hope where all aboard recognize
The need to brainstorm toward change for the better by
Focusing in on positive plans of action aimed at resolving conflicts in
Such a self-disciplined manner as to bring everyone involved safely ashore
What I won't do is dive into the midst of a maelstrom, where
Captain and crew, flailing around, angrily, sink all hope of
Conciliatory conflict resolution by seeking a scapegoat to blame when
Tidal waves of emotion capsize every tug boat that has failed to
Pull dissenting opinions—concerning who is most at fault—to shore
As to fixing the world, well
Guess what I just read in this month's Reader Digest?
An article titled: The World Is Not Falling Apart
Quoting Steven Pinker and Andrew Mack, co-authors of said article:
"Poverty, crime and violence are down
Freedom and Democracy Are Up"
Suggesting reason to retire attitudes of gloom and doom, reminiscent of
Chicken Little, in favor of relating true tales, concerning
Simple plans of action that served to resolve conflicts in a
Win/win fashion, resulting in a lasting sense of
Mutual respect, which developed, over time, amongst our family of five ...
And once those stories have been posted
There's no telling which series of posts may pop up next?
I mean, who knows when my comfort zone may feel ready to
Expand so naturally as to allow high school stories to
Slide right out of my memory onto your screen and mine ...
And referencing 'readiness for comfort zones to expand'
Expand so naturally as to allow high school stories to
Slide right out of my memory onto your screen and mine ...
And referencing 'readiness for comfort zones to expand'
Reminds me of posts penned last week, which
Have yet to be published for public consumption...
As for now, I'm off to my last appointment with my eye surgeon
Followed by attending an afternoon retirement party, honoring
A dear friend's forty year teaching career
Followed by celebrating Will's birthday at dinner, tonight
Followed by house guests arriving, tomorrow ...
And with that said, I'll end today's train of thought on this upbeat note ...
As for now, I'm off to my last appointment with my eye surgeon
Followed by attending an afternoon retirement party, honoring
A dear friend's forty year teaching career
Followed by celebrating Will's birthday at dinner, tonight
Followed by house guests arriving, tomorrow ...
And with that said, I'll end today's train of thought on this upbeat note ...
Ain't life grand—more often than not!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
1324 LOOKING FORWARD TO DOCKING MY SENSE OF PERSONAL SAFETY AS SOON AS MY SHIP COMES IN...
More horoscopic musings ...
This new moon is spring-cleaning heyday. It's not just about ridding the pantry of out-dated items; it's also about renewing your soul.
Are your expectations realistic? If you're frustrated, brainstorm until an adjustment, made on your part, fits the sweet spot where expectation meets reality, head on.
Your skills may seem arbitrary to you, and sometimes you think they don't matter to anyone outside of your little corner of the world. Not true!
Compliments are gifts you sometimes feel awkward accepting with grace, so shift the focus back to the graciousness of the one doing the complimenting.
Cultivating a content and thankful spirit can seem diametrically opposed to your ambitious quest. But it's really not, because your main goal is to graciously appreciate that which may have seemed imperfect at first glance.
It's weird how the smallest things can fill and expand your heart as big as a hot air balloon, which sets your spirit to sail across the cloudless sky of your mind. This all happens for one reason: You notice what others may miss.
When you lose your cellular connection to a loved one, it's not because the other person isn't there, wanting to talk to you. It's just outside interference clamoring inside your noggin. Clear your head and call again.
The old saying goes: Fall down seven times, stand up eight ...
2015
Speaking to myself:
When intuition whispers that you're losing connection with your deepest self—call again. And again. And again. Until deeper truth picks up the phone.
NGU (never give up) brainstorming toward deeper truth until your spirit feels so re-energized as to fly free of undeserved guilt incurred during childhood. Actually, that's what I'm doing, right now, while penning today's post—working to fully absolve myself. Declaring the child within free of undeserved guilt. So what's the catch? It's one thing to know myself innocent. Another to feel the innocence of the child I was, through and through.
You see, I awoke, today, feeling depleted of energy, which has been focused on monitering the host of raw emotions, long buried alive, which continue to reawaken and haunt my peace of mind, from time to time. As hard as I've worked to clear this manifestation of disruptive confusion, born of unprocessed memories, which fog my sense of clarity, I've awaken, recently, feeling a sense of pressured 'waiting' weighing heavy on my spirit—kind of like anticipating a sense of closure, which follows in the aftermath of a funeral.
If you ask what I'm waiting for, clarity would reply: Tuesday. Next Tuesday.
Why next Tuesday? Well, hopefully, during my next scheduled session of EMDR, my therapist and I will brainstorm until my conscious mind taps into a subconscious sense of guilt from which the vulnerable child within has been begging me for release of all sense of accountability. And while the knowledgable adult I've grown to be holds alternating buzzers in each hand, I will empower myself to grant the child I once was freedom from shame as every portion of my brain grows ever more aware of my need to create a new pathway for neurons to travel while listening to my therapist ask:
What's the bad feeling you have about yourself, Annie?
I feel my participation in shameful acts during my childhood was so unforgivably bad that I must have been unworthy of love!
What do you want to feel about yourself?
I was a terrified child. Confused. So eager to please, I was obedient to a fault. But not bad. I was innocent of wrong doing. The fault lays with the adult whose perverse sense of pleasure took advantage of my innocence, vulnerability and inexperience with life. I was, in fact, as good during childhood as I have grown to be a good woman. Imperfect, yes, but really good, all the same.
As our hour long session of EMDR continues, my therapist will guide my mind forward as I work at adjusting feelings of self perceived guilt until my new found sense of clarity relieves the child—held hostage within a 'bad' place—of wrong doing, once and for all.
Ever since my sister Janet's death when I was three, I did not feel free to reveal any word or emotion that might cause my parents' smiles to frown. In order to ensure that I did not threaten their sense of personal peace, my defense system elected me 'family peace keeper'. As keeper of the peace, I repressed any experience that felt painful or scared me out of my wits. And until recent years, that sense of repression remained captive within a suspended state of subconscious denial until a therapist suggested my need of EMDR therapy.
Over most of my life, I could not say no to anyone who expressed need of help. (Remember me? I brought strangers home from the coffee shop and airport.) If I had to say no, my empathetic response apologized profusely, and generally speaking, I gave myself a hard time. To a lesser extent, that's true to this very day. As I could not voice my problems, I could not ask for help, meaning that I was stuck with self-conceived misperceptions for most of my life. As to accepting compliments, my self-devaluation squirmed with discomfort. Hopefully, my next session of EMDR will rebalance my sense of wrong-doing when I choose to consider my personal needs over servicing the needs of others. As to growing graciously receptive to compliments, well, I'm working on that.
Since mum was the word for every emotional reaction that swallowed my smile, today's train of thought—concerning emotional repression—allows us to connect the dots between my subconscious need to 'stuff' fear, fury and a host of personal needs from the time of Janet's death right up until a dozen years ago when every one of those unidentified needs and unprocessed wounds began to filter into my conscious mind after my father had been laid to rest at which time a series of confounding events caused PTSD, which had not yet been diagnosed to errupt.
You see, it was during the decade separating my parents' deaths that my powers of intuition began to whisper of subconscious secrets, which had pressured my conscious mind to acknowledge the rawness of emotional wounds and unmet needs, buried alive behind my wall of denial. And once these secrets proceeded to hammer at my wall of denial, I had a pounding headache that just wouldn't quit.
Soon after Dad's death, I felt an intuitive need to ask my mom lots of questions. And so, at the age of 87 years young, Mom divulged that which had transpired with her mother after our family had suffered Janet's traumatic loss. (More about that in a paragraph, below) If you ask if there was any particular reason that led me to ask question after question while Mom and I swayed back and forth on my patio swing, I'd reply: Yes. Each time I said Janet's name aloud—I cried. And that had never happened throughout my entire life.
As deeply buried wounds, fears and needs persisted in filtering, ever so determinedly, through holes in my wall of denial, my conscious need to comprehend much that felt confounding inspired me to seek out a therapist, who encouraged me to pay mind to my need to strengthen my sense of clarity—most especially when he considered the fact that life's harshest realities had influenced my decision-making process—in that I could not say no—and that's what kick started my search for knowledge, concerning the complex nature of the brain's interrelated parts.
As knowledge is power, I garnered my connection to courage and readied myself to absorb deeper truths, which harvested a host of self conceived misperceptions. And as time passed, I came to see that a good little girl deserved to feel free of self-imposed guilt, and resultant of creating this new path for neurons to travel, my self-assessment will rebalance, at long last. WHEW!
Having written this portion of today's stream of consciousness, we can see why my brain's repetitive refrain of certain words has felt such a compelling need to express my growing sense of clarity in post after post until my perception of that which has ached inside my deepest self felt crystal clear to my conscious mind. If you ask: Annie, what has come clear? The answer to that which had riddled me with fear will be revealed in several posts, penned last week, which, feeling ultra personal, have not yet been published for public consumption. When will they be published? Once my comfort zone expands.
See how complex the interactive functions of our brains prove to be? With patience, curiosity, determination, resilience, positive focus, courage and time, everything that did not seem even remotely connected, at first, has come together, creating today's bigger picture, which—offering my sense of clarity a rebalanced vision that clears the child within of every vestige of self inflicted guilt—replaces the foggy sense of wrong doing that weighed so heavy on my spirit as to have influenced decisions that hindsight suggests were not in my best interests, at all. And having clarified how fear 'chose' to deny me access to grieving, openly, about deeply personal needs that fell to the wayside as a foggy sense of undeserved guilt carved my path, everything intuition compelled me to write, repeatedly, in posts, over these past five years, makes sense. Big Sigh!
The study of psychology agrees that there is no pain worse than
Losing your child except for being blamed for your child's death
When my mother's pain, confusion and fury concerning
The most brutal aspects of reality grew too overwhelming for
Her sanity to contain, her spirit collapsed under
The insurmountable weight of the secret she'd hidden from my dad—forever
As you may remember:
My father's beloved wife chose not to reveal the pronouncement of
Guilt with which my grandma had pierced her daughter's heart, because
My Mom knew that Dad would have tossed his mother-in-law and
Her baggage out the door—
However, I was present when hot tempered fights between
My mother and her mother had reason to escalate, and
As my deeply confounded, terrified
Three year old mind witnessed wounding nature of grief exacerbated by
Unexpected stabs of undeserved guilt, which compounded
Emotional turmoil, which confounded my unprocessed sense of
Irretrievable loss as senseless blame, repressed fury, clinical depression
Denial, unconditional love and the rebirth of new life (Lauren)
Came together within the space of one year, between
My third and fourth birthdays ... I remember
Hiding in the front hall closet until doors slammed and
Shouting transformed into muffled crying, and though
I could not fathom the meaning of whatever had been said—
I couldn't stand to see my mother so distraught as to
Take to her bed, and most likely, that's when
The depth of my empathy for the pain of others developed
Into a sensitivity that overwhelmed my sense of balance, because
Over most of my life, I've had trouble distinguishing
The pain of others from my own
And though my father's home coming, each night
Embraced me within the safety net of his love, saving me from
That which had felt like a burning inferno, and
Though a child's spirit is thought to be resilient—
The egocentric nature of a child's mind is known to assume
A personal sense of guilt for anything that causes pain to
The adults we love—sooo feeling that I must have
Done 'something' so bad as to have lost
A severely depressed parent's love devastated
The budding development of my self esteem ...
And since most of that which I'd heard made no sense to
The self absorbed state of a young child's mind, my
Thought processor absorbed misperceptions that deemed me
Guilty of causing my mom pain, and as misshapen mind sets
Solidify to stone, over time, each self-invoked misperception
Had need to be identified, re-evaluated, straightened out, re-channeled and
Reprocessed before my personal sense of safety could begin to undergo
Change for the better—and thus have I've worked, single-mindedly to
Redevelop a wholly rebalanced sense of myself as
A good little girl, who deserves an enduring place of endearment within
My adult memory bank—free of subconscious ghosts that had
Haunted my well-being, causing my sense of self to bow my head in shame
*With my sister Lauren's birth, Mom's spirit revived and so did mine ...
However PTSD can lay as dormant as a fully cocked loaded gun until
Another harsh reality aims that gun at your sense of sanity, and
Anything feeling remotely similar to the self degradation, which
My defense system had 'successfully' repressed during that horrendous year
Triggered subconscious waves of PTSD, which, being unprocessed
Shot holes into my conscious mind's ability to
Comprehend those times when repressed fear of yesteryear's shame
Compromised the clarity of my adult intelligence ...
And not until a therapist coaxed me to work with a colleague trained in
EMDR therapy could my adult intelligence begin to reprocess
Deeper truth into the true nature of memories, which had
Overwhelmed a terrified child, whose vulnerable mind had been unable
To process emotional complexity, resultant in my absorbing
A confounded sense of myself during one of life's most
Crucial stages of personality development
Over these past five years, you and I have watched
The intuitive portion of my brain backtrack, repeatedly, over
Terrifying situations, which derailed the natural development of
My self esteem, and not until I engaged in EMDR therapy
Could I give voice to my need of help
With EMDR therapy, I've learned to focus my
Adult intelligence upon creating new pathways for neurons to
Transport the injured portion of my self esteem from
One station to the next, and in order to unpack each raw wound, which
Had been buried alive, you and I have traversed
Back and forth across the time line until
My comprehension of confounding events, which had
Stunted the development of my self respect, made
Crystal clear sense of situations, which had heaped
Undeserved guilt upon my head—most especially
During these past dozen years
And having worked, single-mindedly, to iron out
Wrinkles in time in hopes of recreating
A straight line that connects the dots conjoining
The undeveloped thought processor of a three year old tot with
The insight-driven sensitives of the woman I've chosen to grow up to be
Common sense (and a new wave of psychological thought) suggests
That no one, inclusive of wounded warriors returning from
Gruesome battlefields can fully recover on their own from PTSD without
Consciously choosing to accept astutely attentive, professional help, trained in EMDR
And with that said, if you feel inclined to ask:
Annie, doesn't your spirit ever get sick of analyzing your reactions to death?
I'd REPLY—YES! YES! YES! A thousand times— YES!
The alternative (of watching my spirit get sucked repeatedly, into a 'bad' place)
Suggests that relieving my memory of undeserved guilt by
Focusing my conscious mind toward becoming
An accomplished deep sea diver has been worth every minute of
Time, energy and effort expended upon excavating
Repressed pain and fury in order to watch myself surface with gains in
Inner peace, which proves too precious a treasure to measure
Once my adult comprehension has completed constructing a new pathway for neurons to transport my inner child's (bad) memories away from that unprocessed path where undeserved guilt snarls at my self esteem, she and I will conjoin. And once conjoined, she and I will have sound reason to rejoice as one in celebration of our hard won sense of freedom.
As each negatively focused, outdated, subconscious mind set adjusts to match my newly rebalanced sense of self awareness, my connection to reality will clearly redirect my mind, body and spirit to sail free of yesteryear's emotional fog toward the shoreline where the white flag of recovery has been waving in the warm breeze, beckoning all sides of me to reconnect more openly than had been possible (when repression of fear of rejection had falsely felt like my refuge from suffering emotional pain) with everyone whose love and support has been waiting, eagerly, to welcome my sense of personal safety home. Quadruple WHEW!
Ultimately, as reprocessed depths of self awareness remain fully engaged with my newly absorbed sense of self-induced mental release, my whole brain will finally feel ready to refocus on functioning with a lasting sense of balance (between logic and emotion) intact. And with balance intact, I'll enjoy each day as it unfolds—imperfect as life may be—without feeling fearsomely haunted by ghosts of years past. For heavens sake! I've just tossed my crutch aside, while summing up my own Tiny Tim tale!
Gosh—I've never written those words before:
'THE END of my quest' ...
I've visualized my life-long quest for clarity in terms of endless trains of thought tunneling toward endless strings of insight spotlighting tidal waves of repressed emotion crashing against my wall of denial, necessitating my mind to build life rafts of common sense upon which to climb after ocean dives surface with buried treasure once my mind has mined successfully toward deeper truths, which—though proving spiritually enriching—are actually, utterly exhausting—OMG—I believe this is the first time I've actually visualized THE END of my quest—not for deeper truth, but rather for personal safety, which had been lost when I was a tot. And it's been said that that which we can picture ourselves accomplishing, we can achieve ... and Amen to that!
It's a good thing that I have lots of juicy stories waiting to be written, concerning the development of five brainstorming tools, which provided our family with solutions that resolved conflicts, effectively, all around—otherwise this next series of posts—recently written though not yet published—might lead us straight toward THE END of my blog just as this last season of MAD MEN closed up Don Draper's creative shop, earlier in the week—and if you ask what I think the main message—which had been brilliantly strung through each season of writing that series has attempted to clarify for viewers throughout the world, I'll bow to Robert Bianco, a newspaper columnist, who wrote:
"Only mad men think they can control the universe."
And to that brilliant, one sentence wrap up, I'd like to add:
Only mad men and women think we can control—our own little corner of the world—it's task enough to figure out what takes place inside our own brains before our time on earth runs out.
Quoting Bianco, again:
"As frustrating as (life can be) there's also a freedom if you're willing to embrace it. Let go of demands and expectations. Stop trying to guess how the show will end and just ... sit back, relax and cede control. It's the only sane thing to do."
My God—it's been so hard to retire The Fixer when so many rely on my intelligence to solve problems that stymie their sense of logic. In truth, I had no clue that my adoption of the role of fixer created the life raft upon which an abundance of my personal sense of safety relied. I mean, as long as my presence kept everyone's head above water, I'd not be rejected or unloved—right?
Then came the time when storms blew in from all sides at once, and as steering myself through 'the perfect storm' caused this fixer's mind and spirit to feel worn to the bone (and you can take that literally, because my muscles grew so tense while working through confusion and fear as to choke my throat and being unable to swallow, I dropped 15 pounds, which I did not have to spare, in no time flat), and guess what happened, after that? Once I couldn't 'fix' this or that—or anything for that matter, other than myself—I was rejected just as I'd feared by those who'd thought to know me well but couldn't know me any more deeply than I had known myself. (Did you sense the spirit of Socrates, swooshing down from on high to perch on my shoulder and give me a thumbs up while whispering—Know Thyself, Annie—just now?)
As for today—those who do not fear looking into themselves know me full well. Those whose mind sets remain stonily ensconced behind their own walls of denial perceive badly of me to this very day, because their perception is their reality—so let's change that to: their misperception is their reality.
And so, just as with Don Draper, who actually never left Dick behind—I, too, had need of figuring out how to grow every more inquisitive, introspective and finally receptive to accepting love's heaven-sent purity as well as life's brutal realities that make us feel as though we've somehow stumbled into the burning flames of hell.
In short, I can fix a lot about myself. But when it comes to fixing a problem 'owned' by you, here's what I'll do: I'll do my best to cheer you up when you feel down and support you as you adventure forward as well as I'm able, but I'll not work my mind and spirit to the bone in hopes of freeing anyone's mind from denial but my own. Been there, done that to no avail.
Thank goodness, the teacher in me feels a compelling need to share success stories with you, suggesting that we can expect a detailed series of true tales to pop up, one after another, once the pathways of my mind have been cleared of yesteryear's emotional debris, which has caused my processor to detour away from describing my quest toward insight into the creation of five brainstorming tools that saved each person in my family from fighting (defensively and disrespectfully) for domination and control ... and when I tell these stories, my sentences will not be made of stream of consciousness that run on forever—and you can count on that.
Since today's post has offered the intuitive portion of my brain reason to brainstorm toward changing my mind set from pulling boxcars, filled with endless strings of insights, into endless stations in favor of steering my shipshape mind into the dock where personal safety awaits to welcome me ashore, I don't feel nearly as emotionally drained and mentally exhausted as was true when this post began to write itself, several hours ago ... and
As it's Tuesday, I'm inclined to check on line to find a light-hearted movie, because intelligence tells me that absorbing a mind provoking period drama will not be in keeping with buoying my spirit, today ... (For clarity's sake, please note that this post was written, yesterday, published, today :)
This new moon is spring-cleaning heyday. It's not just about ridding the pantry of out-dated items; it's also about renewing your soul.
Are your expectations realistic? If you're frustrated, brainstorm until an adjustment, made on your part, fits the sweet spot where expectation meets reality, head on.
Your skills may seem arbitrary to you, and sometimes you think they don't matter to anyone outside of your little corner of the world. Not true!
Compliments are gifts you sometimes feel awkward accepting with grace, so shift the focus back to the graciousness of the one doing the complimenting.
Cultivating a content and thankful spirit can seem diametrically opposed to your ambitious quest. But it's really not, because your main goal is to graciously appreciate that which may have seemed imperfect at first glance.
It's weird how the smallest things can fill and expand your heart as big as a hot air balloon, which sets your spirit to sail across the cloudless sky of your mind. This all happens for one reason: You notice what others may miss.
When you lose your cellular connection to a loved one, it's not because the other person isn't there, wanting to talk to you. It's just outside interference clamoring inside your noggin. Clear your head and call again.
The old saying goes: Fall down seven times, stand up eight ...
2015
Speaking to myself:
When intuition whispers that you're losing connection with your deepest self—call again. And again. And again. Until deeper truth picks up the phone.
NGU (never give up) brainstorming toward deeper truth until your spirit feels so re-energized as to fly free of undeserved guilt incurred during childhood. Actually, that's what I'm doing, right now, while penning today's post—working to fully absolve myself. Declaring the child within free of undeserved guilt. So what's the catch? It's one thing to know myself innocent. Another to feel the innocence of the child I was, through and through.
You see, I awoke, today, feeling depleted of energy, which has been focused on monitering the host of raw emotions, long buried alive, which continue to reawaken and haunt my peace of mind, from time to time. As hard as I've worked to clear this manifestation of disruptive confusion, born of unprocessed memories, which fog my sense of clarity, I've awaken, recently, feeling a sense of pressured 'waiting' weighing heavy on my spirit—kind of like anticipating a sense of closure, which follows in the aftermath of a funeral.
If you ask what I'm waiting for, clarity would reply: Tuesday. Next Tuesday.
Why next Tuesday? Well, hopefully, during my next scheduled session of EMDR, my therapist and I will brainstorm until my conscious mind taps into a subconscious sense of guilt from which the vulnerable child within has been begging me for release of all sense of accountability. And while the knowledgable adult I've grown to be holds alternating buzzers in each hand, I will empower myself to grant the child I once was freedom from shame as every portion of my brain grows ever more aware of my need to create a new pathway for neurons to travel while listening to my therapist ask:
What's the bad feeling you have about yourself, Annie?
I feel my participation in shameful acts during my childhood was so unforgivably bad that I must have been unworthy of love!
What do you want to feel about yourself?
I was a terrified child. Confused. So eager to please, I was obedient to a fault. But not bad. I was innocent of wrong doing. The fault lays with the adult whose perverse sense of pleasure took advantage of my innocence, vulnerability and inexperience with life. I was, in fact, as good during childhood as I have grown to be a good woman. Imperfect, yes, but really good, all the same.
As our hour long session of EMDR continues, my therapist will guide my mind forward as I work at adjusting feelings of self perceived guilt until my new found sense of clarity relieves the child—held hostage within a 'bad' place—of wrong doing, once and for all.
Ever since my sister Janet's death when I was three, I did not feel free to reveal any word or emotion that might cause my parents' smiles to frown. In order to ensure that I did not threaten their sense of personal peace, my defense system elected me 'family peace keeper'. As keeper of the peace, I repressed any experience that felt painful or scared me out of my wits. And until recent years, that sense of repression remained captive within a suspended state of subconscious denial until a therapist suggested my need of EMDR therapy.
Over most of my life, I could not say no to anyone who expressed need of help. (Remember me? I brought strangers home from the coffee shop and airport.) If I had to say no, my empathetic response apologized profusely, and generally speaking, I gave myself a hard time. To a lesser extent, that's true to this very day. As I could not voice my problems, I could not ask for help, meaning that I was stuck with self-conceived misperceptions for most of my life. As to accepting compliments, my self-devaluation squirmed with discomfort. Hopefully, my next session of EMDR will rebalance my sense of wrong-doing when I choose to consider my personal needs over servicing the needs of others. As to growing graciously receptive to compliments, well, I'm working on that.
Since mum was the word for every emotional reaction that swallowed my smile, today's train of thought—concerning emotional repression—allows us to connect the dots between my subconscious need to 'stuff' fear, fury and a host of personal needs from the time of Janet's death right up until a dozen years ago when every one of those unidentified needs and unprocessed wounds began to filter into my conscious mind after my father had been laid to rest at which time a series of confounding events caused PTSD, which had not yet been diagnosed to errupt.
You see, it was during the decade separating my parents' deaths that my powers of intuition began to whisper of subconscious secrets, which had pressured my conscious mind to acknowledge the rawness of emotional wounds and unmet needs, buried alive behind my wall of denial. And once these secrets proceeded to hammer at my wall of denial, I had a pounding headache that just wouldn't quit.
Soon after Dad's death, I felt an intuitive need to ask my mom lots of questions. And so, at the age of 87 years young, Mom divulged that which had transpired with her mother after our family had suffered Janet's traumatic loss. (More about that in a paragraph, below) If you ask if there was any particular reason that led me to ask question after question while Mom and I swayed back and forth on my patio swing, I'd reply: Yes. Each time I said Janet's name aloud—I cried. And that had never happened throughout my entire life.
As deeply buried wounds, fears and needs persisted in filtering, ever so determinedly, through holes in my wall of denial, my conscious need to comprehend much that felt confounding inspired me to seek out a therapist, who encouraged me to pay mind to my need to strengthen my sense of clarity—most especially when he considered the fact that life's harshest realities had influenced my decision-making process—in that I could not say no—and that's what kick started my search for knowledge, concerning the complex nature of the brain's interrelated parts.
As knowledge is power, I garnered my connection to courage and readied myself to absorb deeper truths, which harvested a host of self conceived misperceptions. And as time passed, I came to see that a good little girl deserved to feel free of self-imposed guilt, and resultant of creating this new path for neurons to travel, my self-assessment will rebalance, at long last. WHEW!
Having written this portion of today's stream of consciousness, we can see why my brain's repetitive refrain of certain words has felt such a compelling need to express my growing sense of clarity in post after post until my perception of that which has ached inside my deepest self felt crystal clear to my conscious mind. If you ask: Annie, what has come clear? The answer to that which had riddled me with fear will be revealed in several posts, penned last week, which, feeling ultra personal, have not yet been published for public consumption. When will they be published? Once my comfort zone expands.
See how complex the interactive functions of our brains prove to be? With patience, curiosity, determination, resilience, positive focus, courage and time, everything that did not seem even remotely connected, at first, has come together, creating today's bigger picture, which—offering my sense of clarity a rebalanced vision that clears the child within of every vestige of self inflicted guilt—replaces the foggy sense of wrong doing that weighed so heavy on my spirit as to have influenced decisions that hindsight suggests were not in my best interests, at all. And having clarified how fear 'chose' to deny me access to grieving, openly, about deeply personal needs that fell to the wayside as a foggy sense of undeserved guilt carved my path, everything intuition compelled me to write, repeatedly, in posts, over these past five years, makes sense. Big Sigh!
The study of psychology agrees that there is no pain worse than
Losing your child except for being blamed for your child's death
When my mother's pain, confusion and fury concerning
The most brutal aspects of reality grew too overwhelming for
Her sanity to contain, her spirit collapsed under
The insurmountable weight of the secret she'd hidden from my dad—forever
As you may remember:
My father's beloved wife chose not to reveal the pronouncement of
Guilt with which my grandma had pierced her daughter's heart, because
My Mom knew that Dad would have tossed his mother-in-law and
Her baggage out the door—
However, I was present when hot tempered fights between
My mother and her mother had reason to escalate, and
As my deeply confounded, terrified
Three year old mind witnessed wounding nature of grief exacerbated by
Unexpected stabs of undeserved guilt, which compounded
Emotional turmoil, which confounded my unprocessed sense of
Irretrievable loss as senseless blame, repressed fury, clinical depression
Denial, unconditional love and the rebirth of new life (Lauren)
Came together within the space of one year, between
My third and fourth birthdays ... I remember
Hiding in the front hall closet until doors slammed and
Shouting transformed into muffled crying, and though
I could not fathom the meaning of whatever had been said—
I couldn't stand to see my mother so distraught as to
Take to her bed, and most likely, that's when
The depth of my empathy for the pain of others developed
Into a sensitivity that overwhelmed my sense of balance, because
Over most of my life, I've had trouble distinguishing
The pain of others from my own
And though my father's home coming, each night
Embraced me within the safety net of his love, saving me from
That which had felt like a burning inferno, and
Though a child's spirit is thought to be resilient—
The egocentric nature of a child's mind is known to assume
A personal sense of guilt for anything that causes pain to
The adults we love—sooo feeling that I must have
Done 'something' so bad as to have lost
A severely depressed parent's love devastated
The budding development of my self esteem ...
And since most of that which I'd heard made no sense to
The self absorbed state of a young child's mind, my
Thought processor absorbed misperceptions that deemed me
Guilty of causing my mom pain, and as misshapen mind sets
Solidify to stone, over time, each self-invoked misperception
Had need to be identified, re-evaluated, straightened out, re-channeled and
Reprocessed before my personal sense of safety could begin to undergo
Change for the better—and thus have I've worked, single-mindedly to
Redevelop a wholly rebalanced sense of myself as
A good little girl, who deserves an enduring place of endearment within
My adult memory bank—free of subconscious ghosts that had
Haunted my well-being, causing my sense of self to bow my head in shame
*With my sister Lauren's birth, Mom's spirit revived and so did mine ...
However PTSD can lay as dormant as a fully cocked loaded gun until
Another harsh reality aims that gun at your sense of sanity, and
Anything feeling remotely similar to the self degradation, which
My defense system had 'successfully' repressed during that horrendous year
Triggered subconscious waves of PTSD, which, being unprocessed
Shot holes into my conscious mind's ability to
Comprehend those times when repressed fear of yesteryear's shame
Compromised the clarity of my adult intelligence ...
And not until a therapist coaxed me to work with a colleague trained in
EMDR therapy could my adult intelligence begin to reprocess
Deeper truth into the true nature of memories, which had
Overwhelmed a terrified child, whose vulnerable mind had been unable
To process emotional complexity, resultant in my absorbing
A confounded sense of myself during one of life's most
Crucial stages of personality development
Over these past five years, you and I have watched
The intuitive portion of my brain backtrack, repeatedly, over
Terrifying situations, which derailed the natural development of
My self esteem, and not until I engaged in EMDR therapy
Could I give voice to my need of help
With EMDR therapy, I've learned to focus my
Adult intelligence upon creating new pathways for neurons to
Transport the injured portion of my self esteem from
One station to the next, and in order to unpack each raw wound, which
Had been buried alive, you and I have traversed
Back and forth across the time line until
My comprehension of confounding events, which had
Stunted the development of my self respect, made
Crystal clear sense of situations, which had heaped
Undeserved guilt upon my head—most especially
During these past dozen years
And having worked, single-mindedly, to iron out
Wrinkles in time in hopes of recreating
A straight line that connects the dots conjoining
The undeveloped thought processor of a three year old tot with
The insight-driven sensitives of the woman I've chosen to grow up to be
Common sense (and a new wave of psychological thought) suggests
That no one, inclusive of wounded warriors returning from
Gruesome battlefields can fully recover on their own from PTSD without
Consciously choosing to accept astutely attentive, professional help, trained in EMDR
And with that said, if you feel inclined to ask:
Annie, doesn't your spirit ever get sick of analyzing your reactions to death?
I'd REPLY—YES! YES! YES! A thousand times— YES!
In fact, I'm sick and tired of it, right now!
However, just as with accepting the aging process, graciouslyThe alternative (of watching my spirit get sucked repeatedly, into a 'bad' place)
Suggests that relieving my memory of undeserved guilt by
Focusing my conscious mind toward becoming
An accomplished deep sea diver has been worth every minute of
Time, energy and effort expended upon excavating
Repressed pain and fury in order to watch myself surface with gains in
Inner peace, which proves too precious a treasure to measure
Once my adult comprehension has completed constructing a new pathway for neurons to transport my inner child's (bad) memories away from that unprocessed path where undeserved guilt snarls at my self esteem, she and I will conjoin. And once conjoined, she and I will have sound reason to rejoice as one in celebration of our hard won sense of freedom.
As each negatively focused, outdated, subconscious mind set adjusts to match my newly rebalanced sense of self awareness, my connection to reality will clearly redirect my mind, body and spirit to sail free of yesteryear's emotional fog toward the shoreline where the white flag of recovery has been waving in the warm breeze, beckoning all sides of me to reconnect more openly than had been possible (when repression of fear of rejection had falsely felt like my refuge from suffering emotional pain) with everyone whose love and support has been waiting, eagerly, to welcome my sense of personal safety home. Quadruple WHEW!
Ultimately, as reprocessed depths of self awareness remain fully engaged with my newly absorbed sense of self-induced mental release, my whole brain will finally feel ready to refocus on functioning with a lasting sense of balance (between logic and emotion) intact. And with balance intact, I'll enjoy each day as it unfolds—imperfect as life may be—without feeling fearsomely haunted by ghosts of years past. For heavens sake! I've just tossed my crutch aside, while summing up my own Tiny Tim tale!
Gosh—I've never written those words before:
'THE END of my quest' ...
I've visualized my life-long quest for clarity in terms of endless trains of thought tunneling toward endless strings of insight spotlighting tidal waves of repressed emotion crashing against my wall of denial, necessitating my mind to build life rafts of common sense upon which to climb after ocean dives surface with buried treasure once my mind has mined successfully toward deeper truths, which—though proving spiritually enriching—are actually, utterly exhausting—OMG—I believe this is the first time I've actually visualized THE END of my quest—not for deeper truth, but rather for personal safety, which had been lost when I was a tot. And it's been said that that which we can picture ourselves accomplishing, we can achieve ... and Amen to that!
It's a good thing that I have lots of juicy stories waiting to be written, concerning the development of five brainstorming tools, which provided our family with solutions that resolved conflicts, effectively, all around—otherwise this next series of posts—recently written though not yet published—might lead us straight toward THE END of my blog just as this last season of MAD MEN closed up Don Draper's creative shop, earlier in the week—and if you ask what I think the main message—which had been brilliantly strung through each season of writing that series has attempted to clarify for viewers throughout the world, I'll bow to Robert Bianco, a newspaper columnist, who wrote:
"Only mad men think they can control the universe."
And to that brilliant, one sentence wrap up, I'd like to add:
Only mad men and women think we can control—our own little corner of the world—it's task enough to figure out what takes place inside our own brains before our time on earth runs out.
Quoting Bianco, again:
"As frustrating as (life can be) there's also a freedom if you're willing to embrace it. Let go of demands and expectations. Stop trying to guess how the show will end and just ... sit back, relax and cede control. It's the only sane thing to do."
My God—it's been so hard to retire The Fixer when so many rely on my intelligence to solve problems that stymie their sense of logic. In truth, I had no clue that my adoption of the role of fixer created the life raft upon which an abundance of my personal sense of safety relied. I mean, as long as my presence kept everyone's head above water, I'd not be rejected or unloved—right?
Then came the time when storms blew in from all sides at once, and as steering myself through 'the perfect storm' caused this fixer's mind and spirit to feel worn to the bone (and you can take that literally, because my muscles grew so tense while working through confusion and fear as to choke my throat and being unable to swallow, I dropped 15 pounds, which I did not have to spare, in no time flat), and guess what happened, after that? Once I couldn't 'fix' this or that—or anything for that matter, other than myself—I was rejected just as I'd feared by those who'd thought to know me well but couldn't know me any more deeply than I had known myself. (Did you sense the spirit of Socrates, swooshing down from on high to perch on my shoulder and give me a thumbs up while whispering—Know Thyself, Annie—just now?)
As for today—those who do not fear looking into themselves know me full well. Those whose mind sets remain stonily ensconced behind their own walls of denial perceive badly of me to this very day, because their perception is their reality—so let's change that to: their misperception is their reality.
And so, just as with Don Draper, who actually never left Dick behind—I, too, had need of figuring out how to grow every more inquisitive, introspective and finally receptive to accepting love's heaven-sent purity as well as life's brutal realities that make us feel as though we've somehow stumbled into the burning flames of hell.
In short, I can fix a lot about myself. But when it comes to fixing a problem 'owned' by you, here's what I'll do: I'll do my best to cheer you up when you feel down and support you as you adventure forward as well as I'm able, but I'll not work my mind and spirit to the bone in hopes of freeing anyone's mind from denial but my own. Been there, done that to no avail.
Thank goodness, the teacher in me feels a compelling need to share success stories with you, suggesting that we can expect a detailed series of true tales to pop up, one after another, once the pathways of my mind have been cleared of yesteryear's emotional debris, which has caused my processor to detour away from describing my quest toward insight into the creation of five brainstorming tools that saved each person in my family from fighting (defensively and disrespectfully) for domination and control ... and when I tell these stories, my sentences will not be made of stream of consciousness that run on forever—and you can count on that.
Since today's post has offered the intuitive portion of my brain reason to brainstorm toward changing my mind set from pulling boxcars, filled with endless strings of insights, into endless stations in favor of steering my shipshape mind into the dock where personal safety awaits to welcome me ashore, I don't feel nearly as emotionally drained and mentally exhausted as was true when this post began to write itself, several hours ago ... and
As it's Tuesday, I'm inclined to check on line to find a light-hearted movie, because intelligence tells me that absorbing a mind provoking period drama will not be in keeping with buoying my spirit, today ... (For clarity's sake, please note that this post was written, yesterday, published, today :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
1323 I AM STILL UNFINISHED BECOMING THE PERSON I THINK MYSELF TO BE
2015
Horoscopic Musings while my comfort zone expands:
Anger comes from feeling hurt or being afraid of getting hurt. Knowing this doesn't make an angry person any more tolerable but might inspire you to try different strategies for dealing effectively with him or her
You want people to find a wonderful experience in each interaction with you. That's why you make the extra effort. You keep finding new ways to add value to what you do just for the joy of it.
You've come to expect that everyone's not as sensitive to the feelings of others as you are. You'll spend time with those who are so focused on getting a job done that they have trouble taking feelings into account.
Even though you exercise your free will and act as an individual, you sense a tangible connection that stretches far beyond you. You'll get proof that you're tied to something much bigger.
It may feel as though the bigger things in your life are not under control today. That's why it's important to assert yourself regarding the small things that you can control.
Focus on what's right with your world. If you focus on problematic people, you may overlook the people who assist in your success.
One of the best things you can be today is helpful by making people comfortable, accepted and appreciated.
As you become aware of when intuition is leading you away from fear of loss, you'll get a feeling about something changing as well as finding reasons to support whatever change this may be.
You start off your solar return with a review: Your old friends are still there for you though you may not connect, often.
To be a leader in charge, don't tell them how you want them to do it, just tell them to do it and then sit back and watch whatever unfolds—as certain people prove more innovative than you'd think, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
What you want to do, which seems impossible to others, may be quite possible for you, and that's why you don't give up.
Accept that you're still unfinished and that things are still coming, together.
You'll be noticed for what you can accomplish, all in good time. Right now, just keep working.
Everything may seem to ride on one instant but it doesn't. Success rides on a thousand prior instants and a thousand instants afterward.
How will you get a greater perspective of a situation if you can't rise about things? Call up the funniest person you know to help ...
PS
A note to Debbie:
Though your guess was a good one
I didn't name myself after Little Orphan Annie ...
So, please feel free to guess, guess, again :)
Horoscopic Musings while my comfort zone expands:
Anger comes from feeling hurt or being afraid of getting hurt. Knowing this doesn't make an angry person any more tolerable but might inspire you to try different strategies for dealing effectively with him or her
You want people to find a wonderful experience in each interaction with you. That's why you make the extra effort. You keep finding new ways to add value to what you do just for the joy of it.
You've come to expect that everyone's not as sensitive to the feelings of others as you are. You'll spend time with those who are so focused on getting a job done that they have trouble taking feelings into account.
Even though you exercise your free will and act as an individual, you sense a tangible connection that stretches far beyond you. You'll get proof that you're tied to something much bigger.
It may feel as though the bigger things in your life are not under control today. That's why it's important to assert yourself regarding the small things that you can control.
Focus on what's right with your world. If you focus on problematic people, you may overlook the people who assist in your success.
One of the best things you can be today is helpful by making people comfortable, accepted and appreciated.
As you become aware of when intuition is leading you away from fear of loss, you'll get a feeling about something changing as well as finding reasons to support whatever change this may be.
You start off your solar return with a review: Your old friends are still there for you though you may not connect, often.
To be a leader in charge, don't tell them how you want them to do it, just tell them to do it and then sit back and watch whatever unfolds—as certain people prove more innovative than you'd think, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
What you want to do, which seems impossible to others, may be quite possible for you, and that's why you don't give up.
Accept that you're still unfinished and that things are still coming, together.
You'll be noticed for what you can accomplish, all in good time. Right now, just keep working.
Everything may seem to ride on one instant but it doesn't. Success rides on a thousand prior instants and a thousand instants afterward.
How will you get a greater perspective of a situation if you can't rise about things? Call up the funniest person you know to help ...
PS
A note to Debbie:
Though your guess was a good one
I didn't name myself after Little Orphan Annie ...
So, please feel free to guess, guess, again :)
Monday, May 18, 2015
1322 AS INSIGHT INTO FUNKINESS CLARIFIES, I SENSE NEED TO FORTIFY INNER STRENGTHS
2015
Unlike our first daunting adventure into this baby worshipping emporium
Yesterday saw Will, Celina, Steven and yours truly traipsing, happily, through
Babies R Us, tossing this necessity and that fancy into our carts, like pros
Where was Ravi, who is nearing six month old?
Celina's mom had taken her precious little grand daughter to
Enliven the spirit of Ravi's Great-Grandma, and thus
In the absence of defensiveness, all around
Does each one's heart feel free to nurture the next
After our visit to Babies R US, we four stopped for a late brunch, where
We nourished our bodies and spirits while laughing about this and that
Then, upon retrieving Ravi, whose sunny, funny little personality
Steals hearts, left and right, Celina felt free to go home to
Finish whatever she felt compelled to get done while
Ravi came home to play with me while
Two basketball junkies, namely Will and Steven—who'd had
The foresight to DVR the game they'd wanted to see—
Sat, side by side, on the couch, eyes glued to the TV, suggestive of
The fact that all six adults had brainstormed, simply, loosely, flexibly and
Thus successfully toward considering everyone's needs
We all spent Sunday doing exactly what each of us pleased
And though you might surmise that generosity of spirit
Provided each one with a day that proved idyllic, please
Think again, because, I have no clue what went on in
The inner most depths of everyone's minds, and
Here is why that includes my mind, as well:
While my heart delighted in our shopping spree with
Will, Steven and Celina, followed by capping my pleasure while
Playing with our winsome, little Ravi ...
My underlying sensation of funkiness remained persistently present ...
On the other hand, I'm relieved to say that by yesterday's dawning
I'd gained insight into the mysterious nature of
Those funky feelings, which, upon filtering through my defensive wall
Have continued to complicate the present state of happiness that
I had brainstormed my way toward achieving for more than a decade—
And as you see—each time I gain insight into an underlying sense of
Funkiness by working to clarify a host of mixed emotions, which
Having been trapped within my subconscious, must
Filter, little by little, into my conscious mind before
My brain, functioning as a whole, can simplify
The emotional complexity that results whenever
Conflicting needs arise and fight for space within our minds as
Happens when the traditions of two families face need to
Transition toward change for the better before a gracious sense of
Interconnection can develop, successfully, over time, and
In keeping with the fact that my conscious mind has worked to
Develop the ability to quest toward insight into
Simplifying complex situations that contradict my sense of peace
I have also developed 'an awareness' of those times when
An unnamed 'sense of readiness' is coursing through my body as though
The sum of my strengths have had need to fortify themselves while
Every part of me feels a sense of inner pressure building up as though
Intuition is empowering my brain to give birth to
Several insight-laden revelations in a similar manner as
Befits a woman, who is about to labor with heightening degrees of
Intensity toward giving birth to multiple infants, all at once ...
And as that's exactly what took place inside me, ever since
Mother's Day weekend! and as each of these insight-driven epiphanies
Proves profoundly personal, I finally understand why my conscious mind
Has felt need of private nesting time in which to more fully absorb
The raw sting of this string of insights, which poured out of my mouth and
Into Will's compassionate ear on a river of tears on Saturday night before
We arose to enjoy our shopping spree with Celina and Steven on Sunday
And though each insight that ultimately revealed itself to me has been written
I've not felt free to publish those posts for this reason—
As this string of insights into deeper truth proves deeply personal in nature
My conscious mind needs time to absorb each one, and
Once absorption of raw emotion has taken place, my comfort zone will
Expand so naturally as to free me to expose these posts for public consumption
And now, having fully expressed my reasoning to you, I am requesting
Your patience while my ever deepening sense of self awareness continues to
Process through this achy stage of transition, which proves necessary before
My conscious mind's ability to harvest this brand new crop of insights, concerning
The profound nature of my sudden growth spurt—which is sure to
Enrich my sense of balance in untold ways—has had time to feel thoroughly mined ...
Unlike our first daunting adventure into this baby worshipping emporium
Yesterday saw Will, Celina, Steven and yours truly traipsing, happily, through
Babies R Us, tossing this necessity and that fancy into our carts, like pros
Where was Ravi, who is nearing six month old?
Celina's mom had taken her precious little grand daughter to
Enliven the spirit of Ravi's Great-Grandma, and thus
In the absence of defensiveness, all around
Does each one's heart feel free to nurture the next
After our visit to Babies R US, we four stopped for a late brunch, where
We nourished our bodies and spirits while laughing about this and that
Then, upon retrieving Ravi, whose sunny, funny little personality
Steals hearts, left and right, Celina felt free to go home to
Finish whatever she felt compelled to get done while
Ravi came home to play with me while
Two basketball junkies, namely Will and Steven—who'd had
The foresight to DVR the game they'd wanted to see—
Sat, side by side, on the couch, eyes glued to the TV, suggestive of
The fact that all six adults had brainstormed, simply, loosely, flexibly and
Thus successfully toward considering everyone's needs
We all spent Sunday doing exactly what each of us pleased
And though you might surmise that generosity of spirit
Provided each one with a day that proved idyllic, please
Think again, because, I have no clue what went on in
The inner most depths of everyone's minds, and
Here is why that includes my mind, as well:
While my heart delighted in our shopping spree with
Will, Steven and Celina, followed by capping my pleasure while
Playing with our winsome, little Ravi ...
My underlying sensation of funkiness remained persistently present ...
On the other hand, I'm relieved to say that by yesterday's dawning
I'd gained insight into the mysterious nature of
Those funky feelings, which, upon filtering through my defensive wall
Have continued to complicate the present state of happiness that
I had brainstormed my way toward achieving for more than a decade—
And as you see—each time I gain insight into an underlying sense of
Funkiness by working to clarify a host of mixed emotions, which
Having been trapped within my subconscious, must
Filter, little by little, into my conscious mind before
My brain, functioning as a whole, can simplify
The emotional complexity that results whenever
Conflicting needs arise and fight for space within our minds as
Happens when the traditions of two families face need to
Transition toward change for the better before a gracious sense of
Interconnection can develop, successfully, over time, and
In keeping with the fact that my conscious mind has worked to
Develop the ability to quest toward insight into
Simplifying complex situations that contradict my sense of peace
I have also developed 'an awareness' of those times when
An unnamed 'sense of readiness' is coursing through my body as though
The sum of my strengths have had need to fortify themselves while
Every part of me feels a sense of inner pressure building up as though
Intuition is empowering my brain to give birth to
Several insight-laden revelations in a similar manner as
Befits a woman, who is about to labor with heightening degrees of
Intensity toward giving birth to multiple infants, all at once ...
And as that's exactly what took place inside me, ever since
Mother's Day weekend! and as each of these insight-driven epiphanies
Proves profoundly personal, I finally understand why my conscious mind
Has felt need of private nesting time in which to more fully absorb
The raw sting of this string of insights, which poured out of my mouth and
Into Will's compassionate ear on a river of tears on Saturday night before
We arose to enjoy our shopping spree with Celina and Steven on Sunday
And though each insight that ultimately revealed itself to me has been written
I've not felt free to publish those posts for this reason—
As this string of insights into deeper truth proves deeply personal in nature
My conscious mind needs time to absorb each one, and
Once absorption of raw emotion has taken place, my comfort zone will
Expand so naturally as to free me to expose these posts for public consumption
And now, having fully expressed my reasoning to you, I am requesting
Your patience while my ever deepening sense of self awareness continues to
Process through this achy stage of transition, which proves necessary before
My conscious mind's ability to harvest this brand new crop of insights, concerning
The profound nature of my sudden growth spurt—which is sure to
Enrich my sense of balance in untold ways—has had time to feel thoroughly mined ...
Saturday, May 16, 2015
1321 THANK YOU!
Wow!
If you scroll down post 1219 until
The comment box appears on your screen
Guess what you'll find???
Thank you, Debbie!!
Your forever friend,
Annie
If you scroll down post 1219 until
The comment box appears on your screen
Guess what you'll find???
Thank you, Debbie!!
Your forever friend,
Annie
Friday, May 15, 2015
1320 ONCE CLARITY HAS BEEN MINED, A SENSE OF PLAYFULNESS IS MINE
2015
If you believe your sibling, spouse, child, friend or partner to be
More or less emotional than you, please think again
And though I have much more to say on this subject ...
(What a surprise!)
Here is why I'll leave your brain to ponder that statement, over night:
While offering my conscious mind a much needed rest
I mean, seriously, adding insights (each of which
ignited the next whenever intuitive trains of thought compelled
My busy brain to revise post 1219, which
Happened, yet again, upon arising, this morning)
Proves tiring, indeed, so ...
While I choose, wisely, to free my brain to
Direct it's energy toward clarifying my brand new eyesight by
Creating new pathways for neurons to travel
Let's offer your conscious mind this opportunity to
Harvest insight into clarity, by inviting
Socrates to perch on one of your shoulders while
Yoda, perching on the other, whispers
Words of wisdom into your ear, which
May encourage your brain to tap into
Your very own intuitive thoughts while your subconscious
Ponders over my opening statement, over night ...
And just like a playful child, whose
Curious mind grows ever more aware of
Everything that comprises her colorful little corner of the world ...
Comment box always feels eager to be fed ...
If you believe your sibling, spouse, child, friend or partner to be
More or less emotional than you, please think again
And though I have much more to say on this subject ...
(What a surprise!)
Here is why I'll leave your brain to ponder that statement, over night:
While offering my conscious mind a much needed rest
I mean, seriously, adding insights (each of which
ignited the next whenever intuitive trains of thought compelled
My busy brain to revise post 1219, which
Happened, yet again, upon arising, this morning)
Proves tiring, indeed, so ...
While I choose, wisely, to free my brain to
Direct it's energy toward clarifying my brand new eyesight by
Creating new pathways for neurons to travel
Let's offer your conscious mind this opportunity to
Harvest insight into clarity, by inviting
Socrates to perch on one of your shoulders while
Yoda, perching on the other, whispers
Words of wisdom into your ear, which
May encourage your brain to tap into
Your very own intuitive thoughts while your subconscious
Ponders over my opening statement, over night ...
And just like a playful child, whose
Curious mind grows ever more aware of
Everything that comprises her colorful little corner of the world ...
Comment box always feels eager to be fed ...
Thursday, May 14, 2015
1319 BOUNCE FROM FEELING FUNKY TO BLISSFUL IN RECORD TIME
2015
REVISED
Often times, my innermost reactions surprise no one as much as me
Since Mother's Day weekend proved relaxing, loving and rib-tickling funny
I kept wondering why my mind and spirit bounced from blissful to funky but
We were so busy with family, day after day, that insight into why
My emotions felt jumbled did not hit home until
Hindsight offered me this growing sense of clarity, today:
I have need to adjust to change, all over the place
My mother and father were sadly missed, and
I felt torn when Barry and Marie and their munchkins
Expressed how much our presence was missed on the coast just as
We missed embracing their presence with
The rest of our family in the desert, and
As each insight ignited the next, I identified this fact:
My think tank has been working, non stop, to adjust to
A host of mind sets, which prove to be in transition
And if you need additional examples of
Mind sets, which are currently processing through confusion while
My conscious mind absorbs reason for changes that prove necessary if
My spirit is to thrive until metamorphosis feels complete, well ...
First off, it's obvious that home base is transitioning from
Partying at our house to celebrating an expansive sense of
Togetherness at Steven's, just as, years ago
My parents had graciously passed the hat of holiday host to me
Secondly, for several decades, my family had
Pampered my wishes on my birthday and Mother's Day
However, this was Celina's first Mother's Day and
Rightfully as well as heartfully, she and Steven brought
Both families together to celebrate the happiness with which
Ravi's presence has enriched all of our lives ...
And though that change proves well and good and timely ...
Our closest friends, with whom we've shared holidays for decades
Chose to spend a quiet day at home ...
And furthermore, before I could gain insight into reasons why
My underlying sense of funkiness felt need to
Express itself clearly to me, a growing sense of
Objectivity, based in logic, had to identify which
Of my old mindsets had need to adjust to changes that
I'd not have freely chosen had my thoughts failed to
Embrace an expansive sense of needs, which differed from my own ...
And at the same time as my conscious sense of awareness
Feels disoriented while 'old' brain patterns work
Day by day, to adapt to adjustments, concerning
Family traditions undergoing transition (which never ceases)
Mega changes in eyesight, resultant from the implantation of
Brand new, multi focal lenses during cataract surgeries, have
Catalyzed my brain to create new pathways for
Neurons to travel in order to accommodate for this fact:
Though my far vision corrected, spontaneously
I've been cautioned to expect my near vision (reading) and
Medium vision (computer) to remain fuzzy for weeks, and
During this period of transition, lack of clarity creates
Sensations of disorientation while my brain strains to
Adapt to the profound nature of these changes in eyesight until
The completion of new pathways recreates
A brand new sense of circuicy, connecting
My new lenses with my sense of clarity ... And
How amazing it is to think that, having worn glasses for
More than five decades, I may never need them, again!
So—having expressed several reasons, which
Have compelled my brain to work, overtime
I'm sure you can imagine these transitions demanding
A self disciplined sense of patience, especially when
Each of these age-related changes highlights this fact:
My generation is nearing 'the changing of the guard'
And thus does today's string of insights into my funkiness
Offer me a growing sense of clarity into one of life's
Harshest realities, concerning my mortality:
With one aunt left, representing an entire generation of
Family leadership that has passed from this life to the next
The subconscious portion of my think tank has been
Percolating over the emergence of this deeper truth, which
Has been filtering naturally, though slowly and disconcertingly
From my subconscious into my conscious awareness, ever since
My father was laid to rest—and with my mother's passing, last year
Reality has been suggesting that the time is getting ripe for
My generation to pass the baton of leadership with a
Deeper sense of graciousness to the younger generation (whom
We've raised from infancy to adulthood) than had been possible for
The generation preceding our own to pass the same baton to us, and
Here is why that's true:
Upon keying into objective reflection, clarity suggests that
Each generation absorbs a deeper sense of insight into
The personal challenges that arise as each of us faces
Time-sensitive changes, which prove classic, inevitable and necessary as
The aging process advances more quickly upon us than can be believed
And having tossed my growing awareness of that deeper truth into the air
Three profoundly prophetic statements emerge from my memory bank, yet again:
You're just like your mother!
You're just like your father!
Or, having gained insight into painful experiences that you and I
Do not want to repeat, we can choose to do the mindful work that
Proves necessary if each of us hopes to consciously grow into
The person whom we mistakenly believe ourselves to be!
In order to grow to be the best possible version of ourselves
We must lead ourselves, step by step, forward on the path where
Personal growth is ours, throughout every stage of life ... Because
In lieu of self discovery as we age, we'll lead ourselves
Ever more deeply into life's dark, scary maze where
Confusion, based in denial and disorientation, reign supreme
And so, in order to make gains in clarity as we advance
Through each stage of life, each adult is charged with
Choosing to reflect more deeply than ever before over
Negatively focused traits and disillusioned mind sets adopted from
Our parents' generation, which prove in need of
Revision or expansion if we hope to spare
Ourselves and our offspring from repeating
The same frustrations, which find us
Spending time and hard earned dollars in the offices of
Therapists, professionally trained to coax us to
Grow so strongly self aware as to empower our conscious minds to
Muster the courage to travel back to painfully troubling times where
Upon pulling insight-driven trains of thought into
One station after another, we gain insight into
Our need to unpack painful misperceptions, concerning
Ourselves and each other, which have been
Carried forward in the form of baggage so heavy as to
Burden our spirits with shouldering
Undeserved guilt until strings of insight into these misperceptions
Ignite a sense of clarity that sweeps
The heavy weight of undeserved guilt clear out of our heads!
I mean, for sound reason, I named myself Annie, not Atlas! Right?
(Can you guess how Annie came to be my number one choice?)
As insight into each mind set, which proves in need of
Transitioning toward change for the better, emerges from
Subconscious pockets where unidentified fear and
Unmet needs hide from conscious awareness
A profound sense of clarity, concerning my need to
Grow toward accepting the inherent complexities, which
Prove consistent with this next stage of life, will coalesce, and
Upon accepting this mission to call upon personal strengths
Such as humility, courage and resilience, repeatedly, I hope to
Grow so wise as to accept the ravages of the aging process with
Good humor, dignity and grace, most especially
When the reality of my growing sense of vulnerability
Becomes ever more transparent to me
And with appreciation for the fact that
My processor has worked, successfully to identify
Absorb and understand the depths of inner conflict, which
Saw my spirit swinging, back and forth, between
Feeling blessed and feeling funky throughout the entirety of
This Mother's Day weekend, I'm relieved to know that
Upon arising, this morning, my think tank has been stringing
Each of these insights together, similarly to the way that
Ravi's nimble young mind will soon concentrate on
Stringing, together colorful beads—
And as my strong connection to common sense suggests that
Today's string of insights presents my think tank with a lot to absorb—
Here's what I'll choose to do, this afternoon, after accompanying Will to
His follow up appointment with his radiation oncologist—
I'll offer my brain a quiet retreat in which to relax and
Process through this jumble of emotional reactions, on its own, and
Based in my history, I feel confident that each mind set, which
Feels set in stone, will, over time, revise or expand on its own ...
And once my 'old' brain stops rebelling against inevitable changes that
I'd not have freely chosen as my own
A positively focused attitude, which places its trust in
My innate intelligence to take good care of me as a whole
Will encourage my brain to engage with intuitive thought that
Inspires my conscious mind to seek insight into
How best to transition into the self-improved person I
Plan to be once my 'old' comfort zones
Which also feel set in stone, expand, naturally, all in good time
And since we are, once again, speaking of change for the better
Guess what began to transition through change as soon as
My well-practiced sense of intuitive thought began to
Gather strings of insight, which emerged from deep within
Subconscious pockets of my mind while I brainstormed through
Inner conflict, last night, with Will?
Clarity of thought revealed sound reason for
Each emotional reaction, which had filtered
Funkiness in with happiness until a painful sense of
Confusion, concerning grief, based in irretrievable loss
Gained time to transition, step by step, through
Today's pensive revelations, which have opened my mind to
Absorb a deepened sense of comprehension into
The complexity of the interactive parts of my brain, which
Having received a tune up, are programmed by
Mother Nature to function, together, as a well oiled whole
And as today's sense of wholeness makes its way
Toward re-balancing emotion with logic
Guess whose spirit is beginning to feel sound reason to
Rebound, lift and delight in a sunlit smile, which feels as
Natural and spontaneous as when Ravi surprised
Her Gramma by planting raspberries on my cheek!
As soon as Steven sends that funny photo to me, I'll share it with you
As for now, here's another snapshot of a moment in time, which
Offered my spirit reason to bounce from feeling
Subconsciously funky to sheer bliss in record time :)
PS
In answer to yesterday's question: 'Who said this?'
I'd reply: Yoda, Yoda, Yoda ... who, being eons older than Father Time
Has watched his ears grow so big
(All the better to listen for insight into clarity, my dear)
And just like Yoda, who flies down in time of need on
A saber of light, we, too, will watch our bodies shrink while
Our ears enlarge as we age in hopes of redirecting our attention away from
Defensive reactiveness, which turns mind sets to stone, in favor of
Growing ever more aware of our need to absorb trains of thought that highlight
Insight into prideful attitudes, which block our sense of clarity from
Peeling away at our many-layered, defensive walls ... And as
Insight shines it's spotlight on defensiveness, guess what happens, over time?
As each layer of defensiveness comes down, the narrow boundaries of
Our comfort zones expand so naturally as to free us to identify and express
Our deepest fears and innermost, unmet needs, without
Inner conflict running interference with existential decisiveness, at last!
(BTW, stats report that readership numbers continue to bounce back :)
REVISED
Often times, my innermost reactions surprise no one as much as me
Since Mother's Day weekend proved relaxing, loving and rib-tickling funny
I kept wondering why my mind and spirit bounced from blissful to funky but
We were so busy with family, day after day, that insight into why
My emotions felt jumbled did not hit home until
Hindsight offered me this growing sense of clarity, today:
I have need to adjust to change, all over the place
My mother and father were sadly missed, and
I felt torn when Barry and Marie and their munchkins
Expressed how much our presence was missed on the coast just as
We missed embracing their presence with
The rest of our family in the desert, and
As each insight ignited the next, I identified this fact:
My think tank has been working, non stop, to adjust to
A host of mind sets, which prove to be in transition
And if you need additional examples of
Mind sets, which are currently processing through confusion while
My conscious mind absorbs reason for changes that prove necessary if
My spirit is to thrive until metamorphosis feels complete, well ...
First off, it's obvious that home base is transitioning from
Partying at our house to celebrating an expansive sense of
Togetherness at Steven's, just as, years ago
My parents had graciously passed the hat of holiday host to me
Secondly, for several decades, my family had
Pampered my wishes on my birthday and Mother's Day
However, this was Celina's first Mother's Day and
Rightfully as well as heartfully, she and Steven brought
Both families together to celebrate the happiness with which
Ravi's presence has enriched all of our lives ...
And though that change proves well and good and timely ...
Our closest friends, with whom we've shared holidays for decades
Chose to spend a quiet day at home ...
And furthermore, before I could gain insight into reasons why
My underlying sense of funkiness felt need to
Express itself clearly to me, a growing sense of
Objectivity, based in logic, had to identify which
Of my old mindsets had need to adjust to changes that
I'd not have freely chosen had my thoughts failed to
Embrace an expansive sense of needs, which differed from my own ...
And at the same time as my conscious sense of awareness
Feels disoriented while 'old' brain patterns work
Day by day, to adapt to adjustments, concerning
Family traditions undergoing transition (which never ceases)
Mega changes in eyesight, resultant from the implantation of
Brand new, multi focal lenses during cataract surgeries, have
Catalyzed my brain to create new pathways for
Neurons to travel in order to accommodate for this fact:
Though my far vision corrected, spontaneously
I've been cautioned to expect my near vision (reading) and
Medium vision (computer) to remain fuzzy for weeks, and
During this period of transition, lack of clarity creates
Sensations of disorientation while my brain strains to
Adapt to the profound nature of these changes in eyesight until
The completion of new pathways recreates
A brand new sense of circuicy, connecting
My new lenses with my sense of clarity ... And
How amazing it is to think that, having worn glasses for
More than five decades, I may never need them, again!
So—having expressed several reasons, which
Have compelled my brain to work, overtime
I'm sure you can imagine these transitions demanding
A self disciplined sense of patience, especially when
Each of these age-related changes highlights this fact:
My generation is nearing 'the changing of the guard'
And thus does today's string of insights into my funkiness
Offer me a growing sense of clarity into one of life's
Harshest realities, concerning my mortality:
With one aunt left, representing an entire generation of
Family leadership that has passed from this life to the next
The subconscious portion of my think tank has been
Percolating over the emergence of this deeper truth, which
Has been filtering naturally, though slowly and disconcertingly
From my subconscious into my conscious awareness, ever since
My father was laid to rest—and with my mother's passing, last year
Reality has been suggesting that the time is getting ripe for
My generation to pass the baton of leadership with a
Deeper sense of graciousness to the younger generation (whom
We've raised from infancy to adulthood) than had been possible for
The generation preceding our own to pass the same baton to us, and
Here is why that's true:
Upon keying into objective reflection, clarity suggests that
Each generation absorbs a deeper sense of insight into
The personal challenges that arise as each of us faces
Time-sensitive changes, which prove classic, inevitable and necessary as
The aging process advances more quickly upon us than can be believed
And having tossed my growing awareness of that deeper truth into the air
Three profoundly prophetic statements emerge from my memory bank, yet again:
You're just like your mother!
You're just like your father!
Or, having gained insight into painful experiences that you and I
Do not want to repeat, we can choose to do the mindful work that
Proves necessary if each of us hopes to consciously grow into
The person whom we mistakenly believe ourselves to be!
In order to grow to be the best possible version of ourselves
We must lead ourselves, step by step, forward on the path where
Personal growth is ours, throughout every stage of life ... Because
In lieu of self discovery as we age, we'll lead ourselves
Ever more deeply into life's dark, scary maze where
Confusion, based in denial and disorientation, reign supreme
And so, in order to make gains in clarity as we advance
Through each stage of life, each adult is charged with
Choosing to reflect more deeply than ever before over
Negatively focused traits and disillusioned mind sets adopted from
Our parents' generation, which prove in need of
Revision or expansion if we hope to spare
Ourselves and our offspring from repeating
The same frustrations, which find us
Spending time and hard earned dollars in the offices of
Therapists, professionally trained to coax us to
Grow so strongly self aware as to empower our conscious minds to
Muster the courage to travel back to painfully troubling times where
Upon pulling insight-driven trains of thought into
One station after another, we gain insight into
Our need to unpack painful misperceptions, concerning
Ourselves and each other, which have been
Carried forward in the form of baggage so heavy as to
Burden our spirits with shouldering
Undeserved guilt until strings of insight into these misperceptions
Ignite a sense of clarity that sweeps
The heavy weight of undeserved guilt clear out of our heads!
I mean, for sound reason, I named myself Annie, not Atlas! Right?
(Can you guess how Annie came to be my number one choice?)
As insight into each mind set, which proves in need of
Transitioning toward change for the better, emerges from
Subconscious pockets where unidentified fear and
Unmet needs hide from conscious awareness
A profound sense of clarity, concerning my need to
Grow toward accepting the inherent complexities, which
Prove consistent with this next stage of life, will coalesce, and
Upon accepting this mission to call upon personal strengths
Such as humility, courage and resilience, repeatedly, I hope to
Grow so wise as to accept the ravages of the aging process with
Good humor, dignity and grace, most especially
When the reality of my growing sense of vulnerability
Becomes ever more transparent to me
And with appreciation for the fact that
My processor has worked, successfully to identify
Absorb and understand the depths of inner conflict, which
Saw my spirit swinging, back and forth, between
Feeling blessed and feeling funky throughout the entirety of
This Mother's Day weekend, I'm relieved to know that
Upon arising, this morning, my think tank has been stringing
Each of these insights together, similarly to the way that
Ravi's nimble young mind will soon concentrate on
Stringing, together colorful beads—
And as my strong connection to common sense suggests that
Today's string of insights presents my think tank with a lot to absorb—
Here's what I'll choose to do, this afternoon, after accompanying Will to
His follow up appointment with his radiation oncologist—
I'll offer my brain a quiet retreat in which to relax and
Process through this jumble of emotional reactions, on its own, and
Based in my history, I feel confident that each mind set, which
Feels set in stone, will, over time, revise or expand on its own ...
And once my 'old' brain stops rebelling against inevitable changes that
I'd not have freely chosen as my own
A positively focused attitude, which places its trust in
My innate intelligence to take good care of me as a whole
Will encourage my brain to engage with intuitive thought that
Inspires my conscious mind to seek insight into
How best to transition into the self-improved person I
Plan to be once my 'old' comfort zones
Which also feel set in stone, expand, naturally, all in good time
And since we are, once again, speaking of change for the better
Guess what began to transition through change as soon as
My well-practiced sense of intuitive thought began to
Gather strings of insight, which emerged from deep within
Subconscious pockets of my mind while I brainstormed through
Inner conflict, last night, with Will?
Clarity of thought revealed sound reason for
Each emotional reaction, which had filtered
Funkiness in with happiness until a painful sense of
Confusion, concerning grief, based in irretrievable loss
Gained time to transition, step by step, through
Today's pensive revelations, which have opened my mind to
Absorb a deepened sense of comprehension into
The complexity of the interactive parts of my brain, which
Having received a tune up, are programmed by
Mother Nature to function, together, as a well oiled whole
And as today's sense of wholeness makes its way
Toward re-balancing emotion with logic
Guess whose spirit is beginning to feel sound reason to
Rebound, lift and delight in a sunlit smile, which feels as
Natural and spontaneous as when Ravi surprised
Her Gramma by planting raspberries on my cheek!
As soon as Steven sends that funny photo to me, I'll share it with you
As for now, here's another snapshot of a moment in time, which
Offered my spirit reason to bounce from feeling
Subconsciously funky to sheer bliss in record time :)
In answer to yesterday's question: 'Who said this?'
I'd reply: Yoda, Yoda, Yoda ... who, being eons older than Father Time
Has watched his ears grow so big
(All the better to listen for insight into clarity, my dear)
And just like Yoda, who flies down in time of need on
A saber of light, we, too, will watch our bodies shrink while
Our ears enlarge as we age in hopes of redirecting our attention away from
Defensive reactiveness, which turns mind sets to stone, in favor of
Growing ever more aware of our need to absorb trains of thought that highlight
Insight into prideful attitudes, which block our sense of clarity from
Peeling away at our many-layered, defensive walls ... And as
Insight shines it's spotlight on defensiveness, guess what happens, over time?
As each layer of defensiveness comes down, the narrow boundaries of
Our comfort zones expand so naturally as to free us to identify and express
Our deepest fears and innermost, unmet needs, without
Inner conflict running interference with existential decisiveness, at last!
(BTW, stats report that readership numbers continue to bounce back :)
Monday, May 11, 2015
1318 SEVEN QUESTIONS IN NEED OF PEACEFUL CONTEMPLATION, TODAY
2015
For heaven sakes!!
How can we upbraid others for not communicating their innermost thoughts, wishes and feelings with clarity when deeper truth suggests that the interwoven nature of subconscious thoughts and emotions, flashing through our minds with the speed light, proves so tumultuous, confounding and complex as to mystify oneself?
Just as one insight sparks the next
That question leads me to ask ...
If we don't seek insight into why
We feel what we feel
And think what we think
And say what we say
Won't we condemn our conscious minds to
Remain blind to the respectful ways that
Some choose to brainstorm, together, until
Clarity of thought resolves conflicts, all around?
Isn't it time for kettles and pots, who lead
Families, political parties and nations
Ever more deeply into mazes where confusion reigns supreme
To stop calling each other blackguards in favor of
Brainstorming toward reconciliation in ways that
Prove mutually supportive once
Defensive and offensive reactions calm down?
Since life proves short for one and all, isn't it high time to figure out how to
Resolve conflicts, which exacerbate defensive reactiveness, by
Inspiring adults to empower their minds with logical problem-solving skills?
And since a child's mind proves eager, nimble and so flexible as to
Freely embrace innovative ideas that actually make sense
Doesn't common sense suggest that the mind's absorption of
Communication skills, beginning in kindergarten
Proves as important to human welfare as
Learning reading, writing and arithmetic?
(As to school boards dismissing the importance of
The study of art and music ...
Where would humanity be without tapping into creativity?)
Simply said:
What good is history if leadership blindly repeats the worst of it?
Who said this ... Yoda or Socrates?
1. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose
2. You must unlearn what you have learned
3. In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way
PS
A word to the wise:
With Yoda whispering into one ear while
Socrates whispered into the other
This should come as no surprise:
Yesterday's post was revised
For heaven sakes!!
How can we upbraid others for not communicating their innermost thoughts, wishes and feelings with clarity when deeper truth suggests that the interwoven nature of subconscious thoughts and emotions, flashing through our minds with the speed light, proves so tumultuous, confounding and complex as to mystify oneself?
Just as one insight sparks the next
That question leads me to ask ...
If we don't seek insight into why
We feel what we feel
And think what we think
And say what we say
Won't we condemn our conscious minds to
Remain blind to the respectful ways that
Some choose to brainstorm, together, until
Clarity of thought resolves conflicts, all around?
Isn't it time for kettles and pots, who lead
Families, political parties and nations
Ever more deeply into mazes where confusion reigns supreme
To stop calling each other blackguards in favor of
Brainstorming toward reconciliation in ways that
Prove mutually supportive once
Defensive and offensive reactions calm down?
Since life proves short for one and all, isn't it high time to figure out how to
Resolve conflicts, which exacerbate defensive reactiveness, by
Inspiring adults to empower their minds with logical problem-solving skills?
And since a child's mind proves eager, nimble and so flexible as to
Freely embrace innovative ideas that actually make sense
Doesn't common sense suggest that the mind's absorption of
Communication skills, beginning in kindergarten
Proves as important to human welfare as
Learning reading, writing and arithmetic?
(As to school boards dismissing the importance of
The study of art and music ...
Where would humanity be without tapping into creativity?)
Simply said:
What good is history if leadership blindly repeats the worst of it?
Who said this ... Yoda or Socrates?
1. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose
2. You must unlearn what you have learned
3. In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way
PS
A word to the wise:
With Yoda whispering into one ear while
Socrates whispered into the other
This should come as no surprise:
Yesterday's post was revised
Sunday, May 10, 2015
1317 RELAXING RESTLESSNESS WITH CLARITY
2015
Once simplicity of thought is mine
A narrow mindset expands so naturally that I feel free to
Express my inner most thoughts, feelings and
Needs to you with a greater sense of clarity than
Had been possible before, and with clarity
Leading the way, the narrow confines of
My comfort zone expand, as well
So, if absorbing a greater sense of clarity into
Deeper truth appeals to you as much as it does to me then
Here's why I hope you'll take a moment to
Review yesterday's revisions, if not today, then
Awoke and listened to myself decide not to review yesterday's post
Though that decision withstood a sense of restlessness for a while
Trains of thought kept cycling through my mind, which
Refused to settle down, so in keeping with seeking insight into
That which my conscious mind is denying when
Inner conflict just won't quit, I 'listened' more attentively to
My sense of restlessness and guess what happened next ...
That which my conscious mind is denying when
Inner conflict just won't quit, I 'listened' more attentively to
My sense of restlessness and guess what happened next ...
I decided to change my mind and reached for my iPad, and
While editing yesterday's post, my restless tension relaxed
Why? For this reason:
Once my think tank felt relieved of self imposed restraint
Trains of thought felt free to flow readily out from
Within the subconscious portion of my mind where
While editing yesterday's post, my restless tension relaxed
Why? For this reason:
Once my think tank felt relieved of self imposed restraint
Trains of thought felt free to flow readily out from
Within the subconscious portion of my mind where
Deeper truth, which my defense system hides from
My sense of conscious awareness, is stored
Each time insight into deeper truth feels free to
'Speak' to me, a spotlight is directed at
Personal needs, held captive and silenced behind my defensive wall
And once my mindful sense of wholeness feels restored
A spirited sense of clarity, concerning
My expanded sense of reality, empowers me to feel
Wholly free to express my inner most needs to you, and
Thus does tapping into insight into deeper truth inspire
My decision-making process to
Simplify more readily than ever before
My sense of conscious awareness, is stored
Each time insight into deeper truth feels free to
'Speak' to me, a spotlight is directed at
Personal needs, held captive and silenced behind my defensive wall
And once my mindful sense of wholeness feels restored
A spirited sense of clarity, concerning
My expanded sense of reality, empowers me to feel
Wholly free to express my inner most needs to you, and
Thus does tapping into insight into deeper truth inspire
My decision-making process to
Simplify more readily than ever before
Once simplicity of thought is mine
A narrow mindset expands so naturally that I feel free to
Express my inner most thoughts, feelings and
Needs to you with a greater sense of clarity than
Had been possible before, and with clarity
Leading the way, the narrow confines of
My comfort zone expand, as well
So, if absorbing a greater sense of clarity into
Deeper truth appeals to you as much as it does to me then
Here's why I hope you'll take a moment to
Review yesterday's revisions, if not today, then
Before we move forward, tomorrow:
Just as with solving complex problems in higher mathematics
It's important that we deepen your sense of clarity and mine while
Processing through one step before advancing to the next ...
Processing through one step before advancing to the next ...
And now that my whole mind feels free and clear to enjoy
A happy and relaxing Mother's Day with my loved ones ...
I wish the same is true for you!
Saturday, May 9, 2015
1316 SMART IS ONE THING, ACRRUING WISDOM IS ANOTHER
2015
This week has seen readership plummet, and though I understand why numbers are declining, here's hoping you'll continue to bear with me without growing irritated or listless when an enhancement of a portion of Wednesday's lengthy train of thought requests your patience, yet again, for this reason: Though my preference is to get on with penning a series of true stories, which ended happily once insight into change for the better considered needs, all around—wisdom, garnered through experience, cautions me to work at simplify the detailed account of my innermost thoughts until the complexity of our emotional reactions, which cause loving hearts to separate, unnecessarily, grows clear.
I feel compelled to clarify the role that insight plays in resolving inner conflict, based in this hope: If I can express why insight reveals subconscious fears that prohibit me from achieving heartfelt goals then perhaps my AHA! moments will inspire you to seek insight into self discovery, too.
Once insight identifies a self defeating attitude that your defense system adopted in the aftermath of an experience, which deemed you guilty of wrong-doing during childhood, a heavy weight, which has unknowingly burdened your conscious mind, may lift so spontaneously as to brighten your spirit as naturally as does mine each time the astounding nature of an AHA! moment shifts the weight of undeserved guilt, which you've shouldered, unnecessarily, throughout every stage of life, onto the shoulders of the person who, in truth, did wrong to you. Whew!
Once your subconscious feels free of undeserved guilt, the darkened view you had of yourself lightens so spontaneously that all sense of inner conflict, which complicated your decision making process, resolves so logically as to release a simple solution, which had been hidden within the confounded state of your conscious mind, all along—and before we go on, *it's important to note that the nature of this subconscious self-perception, which has burdened you since childhood, may not be nearly as dark as proved true of mine, suggesting that with insight brightening your awareness, you may regain a lightness of being without experiencing the same degree of emotional pain that my defense system had buried behind my wall of denial when I was three.
If, on the other hand, sensations of self recrimination remain unprocessed by your adult intelligence, indefinitely, a self defeatist attitude will block your conscious mind from recognizing those times when undeserved guilt, filtering from your subconscious into your conscious mind, exacerbates the sense of conflict you feel each time your personal needs clash with the needs of your loved ones—today. And as long as this sense of unresolved inner conflict remains in its unprocessed state, your intelligence will feel blocked from identifying the persistent nature of self-recrimination, which complicates your decision-making process until insight into clarity offers you clearance to feel wholly free to embrace a heartfelt need that proves to be yours and yours alone.
Over these past forty years, I've belonged to multiple book clubs, and unlike my friends, who discuss character development in novels without referencing changes in personal growth, which prove necessary to improving certain aspects of their own lives, I find myself highlighting traits, which led the author's characters toward self defeat, repeatedly, in hopes of reflecting over traits in need of personal growth within myself.
When I first felt need to engage in therapy, close to forty years ago, I had no clue that my self image had suffered a crucial blow when I was three. Each time you witness the self-investigative nature of my mind working to simplify complexity of thought —concerning the classic ways that denial blocks conscious awareness from recognizing subconscious guilt, incurred undeservedly—your think tank may absorb an ever deepening awareness of the ways that denial of clashing emotional reactions undermines the clarity of your decision-making process, as well. And with thoughts of you and I, working to resolve inner conflict when our needs conflict with that which we believe our loved ones need of us, I'm respectfully requesting that you continue to accompany me as we labor to simplify complex trains of thought with this hope in mind: As your think tank and mine work to gain a greater sense of insight into undeserved guilt, your sense of clarity and mine (concerning which problems are not ours to solve) will simply our decision-making process, immeasurably.
Since tomorrow is Mother's Day—we'll most likely reconvene on Monday, which offers our minds time to absorb that which intuition compelled me to write, today. As for now, David's flown in to celebrate this holiday weekend with us, and Steven just rang the bell with that delicious little cup cake, whose sweet nature can't help but offer our spirits reason to bask in the pleasure of laughter—and if you choose not to read Monday's post, please feel reassured to know that the lighter side of my mind is sure to resume story-telling, before too long. And here's why I know that to be true: I'm getting as sick of this deep degree of introspective thought as are you. I mean, seriously—it takes more time and mental energy than can be imagined to describe clashing emotional reactions, which colliding head on, complicate my decision-making process until strings of insight serve to simplify complex trains of thought.. And I have a feeling that my brain is closing in on saying—ENOUGH ALREADY!
Sooo, if I don't show up, tomorrow, please imagine this doting gramma tickling Ravi's round little tummy while wishing mothers, grandmas and great grandma's, everywhere, a happy Mother's Day, filled with lots of love and sweet surprises!
This week has seen readership plummet, and though I understand why numbers are declining, here's hoping you'll continue to bear with me without growing irritated or listless when an enhancement of a portion of Wednesday's lengthy train of thought requests your patience, yet again, for this reason: Though my preference is to get on with penning a series of true stories, which ended happily once insight into change for the better considered needs, all around—wisdom, garnered through experience, cautions me to work at simplify the detailed account of my innermost thoughts until the complexity of our emotional reactions, which cause loving hearts to separate, unnecessarily, grows clear.
I feel compelled to clarify the role that insight plays in resolving inner conflict, based in this hope: If I can express why insight reveals subconscious fears that prohibit me from achieving heartfelt goals then perhaps my AHA! moments will inspire you to seek insight into self discovery, too.
Once insight identifies a self defeating attitude that your defense system adopted in the aftermath of an experience, which deemed you guilty of wrong-doing during childhood, a heavy weight, which has unknowingly burdened your conscious mind, may lift so spontaneously as to brighten your spirit as naturally as does mine each time the astounding nature of an AHA! moment shifts the weight of undeserved guilt, which you've shouldered, unnecessarily, throughout every stage of life, onto the shoulders of the person who, in truth, did wrong to you. Whew!
Once your subconscious feels free of undeserved guilt, the darkened view you had of yourself lightens so spontaneously that all sense of inner conflict, which complicated your decision making process, resolves so logically as to release a simple solution, which had been hidden within the confounded state of your conscious mind, all along—and before we go on, *it's important to note that the nature of this subconscious self-perception, which has burdened you since childhood, may not be nearly as dark as proved true of mine, suggesting that with insight brightening your awareness, you may regain a lightness of being without experiencing the same degree of emotional pain that my defense system had buried behind my wall of denial when I was three.
If, on the other hand, sensations of self recrimination remain unprocessed by your adult intelligence, indefinitely, a self defeatist attitude will block your conscious mind from recognizing those times when undeserved guilt, filtering from your subconscious into your conscious mind, exacerbates the sense of conflict you feel each time your personal needs clash with the needs of your loved ones—today. And as long as this sense of unresolved inner conflict remains in its unprocessed state, your intelligence will feel blocked from identifying the persistent nature of self-recrimination, which complicates your decision-making process until insight into clarity offers you clearance to feel wholly free to embrace a heartfelt need that proves to be yours and yours alone.
Over these past forty years, I've belonged to multiple book clubs, and unlike my friends, who discuss character development in novels without referencing changes in personal growth, which prove necessary to improving certain aspects of their own lives, I find myself highlighting traits, which led the author's characters toward self defeat, repeatedly, in hopes of reflecting over traits in need of personal growth within myself.
When I first felt need to engage in therapy, close to forty years ago, I had no clue that my self image had suffered a crucial blow when I was three. Each time you witness the self-investigative nature of my mind working to simplify complexity of thought —concerning the classic ways that denial blocks conscious awareness from recognizing subconscious guilt, incurred undeservedly—your think tank may absorb an ever deepening awareness of the ways that denial of clashing emotional reactions undermines the clarity of your decision-making process, as well. And with thoughts of you and I, working to resolve inner conflict when our needs conflict with that which we believe our loved ones need of us, I'm respectfully requesting that you continue to accompany me as we labor to simplify complex trains of thought with this hope in mind: As your think tank and mine work to gain a greater sense of insight into undeserved guilt, your sense of clarity and mine (concerning which problems are not ours to solve) will simply our decision-making process, immeasurably.
Since tomorrow is Mother's Day—we'll most likely reconvene on Monday, which offers our minds time to absorb that which intuition compelled me to write, today. As for now, David's flown in to celebrate this holiday weekend with us, and Steven just rang the bell with that delicious little cup cake, whose sweet nature can't help but offer our spirits reason to bask in the pleasure of laughter—and if you choose not to read Monday's post, please feel reassured to know that the lighter side of my mind is sure to resume story-telling, before too long. And here's why I know that to be true: I'm getting as sick of this deep degree of introspective thought as are you. I mean, seriously—it takes more time and mental energy than can be imagined to describe clashing emotional reactions, which colliding head on, complicate my decision-making process until strings of insight serve to simplify complex trains of thought.. And I have a feeling that my brain is closing in on saying—ENOUGH ALREADY!
Sooo, if I don't show up, tomorrow, please imagine this doting gramma tickling Ravi's round little tummy while wishing mothers, grandmas and great grandma's, everywhere, a happy Mother's Day, filled with lots of love and sweet surprises!
Thursday, May 7, 2015
1315 LET'S REFOCUS FROM COMPLEXITY TO SIMPLICITY ...
Whew!
My last, lengthy train of thought carried lots of weight.
In order to lighten the load that I dropped on your heads
I've chosen to simplify the portion of that post, which
Felt most complicated to me, and
Now, I'd like to offer my rewrite to you:
During the week before our last house guests arrived, my interest turned toward editing one of the children's books that my young writing partner, Katy, and I had placed on a back burner, several years ago. Coincidentally, Katy, called to say that she'd felt drawn to do the same. I love when that happens! Kindred spirits, leaping, intuitively, unexpectedly, upon the same wavelength, simultaneously ...
Then, our house guests arrived, and my mind absorbed reason for two pathways (editing these children's books and penning posts) to converge for this reason: Throughout the weekend, conversations, initiated by one of our two guests, enticed me to reconsider my decision to place my blog on hold for an undefined length of time. You see, my guest (who attributes my blog to inspiring her to delve more deeply into grasping why she'd unknowingly adopted a certain role while growing up in her family), asked me questions, concerning why I believe my three sons grew up to be a trio of fast friends.
The fact that these questions had been asked of me at a time when my interest in blogging was waining in favor of re-investing my time and energy in editing the first in a series of whimsical tales, concerning the importance of creating an emotional environment in which each person in the family absorbs the values of individualization and mutual respect, inspired my think tank to consider the merits of embracing both tasks (posting true tales, brimming with insight, for adults and penning fanciful, insight-driven stories for children, concerning the development of self discipline) simultaneously. Hopefully, if this expansion of my original mindset finds me capable of nurturing both passions, at once, my comfort zone will feel more at ease than when I'd thought to close the door on one in favor of the other ...
As it is common for our thought processors to ping pong, back and forth, when inner conflict won't quit, I've become practiced at relaxing my decision-making process until my mind calms enough to draw forth a sense of intuitive thought that emerges from deep within my psyche. With the emergence of intuitive thought comes insight into deeper truth, which kicks my reasoning powers into high gear.
As this well-practiced pattern of seeking solutions to difficult problems by way of interweaving intuition with analytical reasoning has proven successful, repeatedly, I place my faith in this belief: With the emergence of insight into deeper truth, my mind can spotlight the narrow scope of a negatively focused attitude, which, having been buried subconsciously, during childhood, caused coils of tension to build up and tighten until a self-defeating mind set that felt set in stone shaped up, over time. Once insight shines its spotlight on this self defeatist mind set, which has weighed heavy on my spirit since childhood, no one feels more surprised than positively-focused me.
As insight into deeper truth coaxes coils of negatively-focused tension to relax, the magnitude of this transformative moment demonstrates my processor's capacity for embracing an expansive, open-minded semblance of re-balance between emotion and logic. With balance restored, my think tank's agile ability to brainstorm toward workable solutions resumes, naturally.
If you ask how this solution-seeking agility, which meets with success with a high degree of consistency, developed, I'd reply: Just as I've honed my professional ability to calm the minds of thousands of people who, over these past thirty-five years, have sought me out whenever their ability to brainstorm toward workable solutions feels stymied, I've consciously coached my personal skill set to calm my mind on the spot when need for problem solving acuity is my own.
Each time I feel compelled to write a post, detailing my inner most thoughts, it's as though Socrates is whispering each word into my ear. For example, his spirit might suggest that I say: We may be born smart; however wisdom is absorbed each time humility chooses a path where strings of reflective insight into deeper truth brighten our think tanks' ability to understand situations which, at first, had felt so complicated that contemplation exacerbated mental confusion for this reason: The clashing diversity of our emotional reactions had need to be simplified down to a common denominator before comprehension dawns. Once this clash of emotional reactions is understood by the logical portion of the brain, insight, highlighting the solution (which had been lost in the foggy swirl of contrasting emotional reactions) emerges clear as day. And once clarity, into deeper truth is mine, I can see that the simplicity of this solution is based in the fact that logic and emotion must feel rebalanced before everyone's needs are considered, all around.
Once a brain swirl, caused by clashing emotional reactions crashing like discordant cymbals, have had time to quiet within my head, simplicity of thought (which proves to be inherent to the brain's ability to absorb step-by-step problem solving skills), slips out of the logical portion of my mind, and each time the self confident side of my thought processor gives birth to a simple solution, based in insight into deeper truth, no one feels more astounded than me. In fact, as soon as the spirit of Socrates swoops down to whisper words of insight in my ear, I feel compelled to simplify a train of thought, which has already been published, so that you and I can play witness to my processor working to accomplish that which feels like a well-practiced acrobatic feat.
Countless times, over these past thirty years, my think tank has absorbed the importance of taking a spontaneous time-out to consciously calm my thought processor in order to regain a sense of balance between emotion and logic whenever solution seeking, on the spot, proves necessary. And with that thought in mind, I gave my kids permission to respectfully suggest my taking time out to calm down when it was obvious that my brain felt too agitated to think calmly and clearly. With years of practice under my belt, taking time out to calm my processor during the heat of conflict became second nature to me.
If you ask how I can redirect this change for the better to take place inside my head during the heat of the moment, I'd reply: Emergent from within the depths of my mind exists this self confident belief: My think tank has grown practiced at drawing forth trains of thought that massage coils of tension, which layer up within my brain. As coils of tension, based in negatively focused, self-defeating attitudes, relax, I am amazed at my mindset's flexibility to expand at least enough to 'see' over defensive walls, which had blocked my ability to brainstorm, naturally.
Once all sense of negativity, born of a subconscious attitude of undeserved guilt, has been swept away, my conscious mind calms enough to tame unruly emotional reactiveness behind my well-practiced line of control, and thus is do I feel wholly free to brainstorm toward a sensible solution, which, at first, my think tank had felt too 'scatter-brained' to see. Once a rebalanced, mind-expanding sense of clarity is mine, insight into deeper truth emerges, suggesting that the simplicity of a sensible solution has been within reach, all along
With balance between emotion and logic restored, my innate potential to connect problem solving agility with creative thinking, frees my self confidence to step up to the plate, and each time that trio of well-practiced personal strengths interact like a seasoned team, it's not unusual for my think tank to hit an open-minded train of thought out of the park. This is not ego boasting. This is experiential success, concerning clear-minded brainstorming, voicing its successful batting average. And if you've read stories, penned in the past, you already know me to be candid about describing self-defeating attitudes, based in negatively focused mind sets, which lead me straight toward making mistakes in judgement before a sense of objective reflection releases a series of insights that serve to refocus my ability to simplify a plan so precisely as to empower my think tank to meet with brainstorming success by considering the needs of everyone concerned (though, at times, it proves difficult to figure out how to include my own).
Though Babe Ruth struck out more times than he hit homers, he never stopped swinging for the fences. And just as we attribute his success to practice and self confidence, swinging for the fences is what I've come to expect of myself, each time my brainstorming skills are tested by a worthy opponent.
It's important to note that in the absence of feeling balanced, My think tank feels vulnerable to making decisions, which, over time, prove irreconcilable to my spirit's need to thrive. It's after my mind feels calm enough to reflect objectively over past mistakes that my ability to brainstorm toward new possibilities sweeps disillusionment, leading toward self-defeat, out the door.
Once self-defeating mindsets, based in self destructive trains of thought are swept 'clear' out of my mind, space opens within my think tank for hope to revitalize. Hope for what? I have no more clue than you, except for this: Each time the negative side of this thought processing cycle comes full circle, the constructive idea of 'hope-for-who-knows-what-may-happen-next' proves enough to re-energize my spirit with positively focused possibility.
When it comes to embracing the unknown with a stout heart, I need not know exactly what opportunity may hold out to me, next. Instead of needing to know where each next step will take me, I just need to remember to approach the great unknown with self confidence, courage, humility—and a patient sense of curiosity intact. And here is why that proves true for me: Given time, my brain-storming history comes through for me, repeatedly ...
PS
Sat down, last night, to watch TV. Placed my far-sighted glasses on, and much to my delight, my brain's sense of clarity directed me to take them off, suggesting that this first stage of re-adjustment, following my second cataract surgery, has already met with success. Books and computer screens remain fuzzy, because my brain requires more time to refocus close up vision, and once again, you'll find me a firm believer that with knowledge, positive focus and patience intact, all will be well, concerning change for the better, as the future unfolds, one day at a time. BTW, something funny happened during my post-op visit with the surgeon, yesterday, which I'll enjoy sharing with you, some time soon.
As for right now, here's my plan for today: It's nearly time to open my front door with a warm spirited smile, because a very special little person, whose sweet natured presence has won my heart, is coming to play ...
My last, lengthy train of thought carried lots of weight.
In order to lighten the load that I dropped on your heads
I've chosen to simplify the portion of that post, which
Felt most complicated to me, and
Now, I'd like to offer my rewrite to you:
During the week before our last house guests arrived, my interest turned toward editing one of the children's books that my young writing partner, Katy, and I had placed on a back burner, several years ago. Coincidentally, Katy, called to say that she'd felt drawn to do the same. I love when that happens! Kindred spirits, leaping, intuitively, unexpectedly, upon the same wavelength, simultaneously ...
Then, our house guests arrived, and my mind absorbed reason for two pathways (editing these children's books and penning posts) to converge for this reason: Throughout the weekend, conversations, initiated by one of our two guests, enticed me to reconsider my decision to place my blog on hold for an undefined length of time. You see, my guest (who attributes my blog to inspiring her to delve more deeply into grasping why she'd unknowingly adopted a certain role while growing up in her family), asked me questions, concerning why I believe my three sons grew up to be a trio of fast friends.
The fact that these questions had been asked of me at a time when my interest in blogging was waining in favor of re-investing my time and energy in editing the first in a series of whimsical tales, concerning the importance of creating an emotional environment in which each person in the family absorbs the values of individualization and mutual respect, inspired my think tank to consider the merits of embracing both tasks (posting true tales, brimming with insight, for adults and penning fanciful, insight-driven stories for children, concerning the development of self discipline) simultaneously. Hopefully, if this expansion of my original mindset finds me capable of nurturing both passions, at once, my comfort zone will feel more at ease than when I'd thought to close the door on one in favor of the other ...
As it is common for our thought processors to ping pong, back and forth, when inner conflict won't quit, I've become practiced at relaxing my decision-making process until my mind calms enough to draw forth a sense of intuitive thought that emerges from deep within my psyche. With the emergence of intuitive thought comes insight into deeper truth, which kicks my reasoning powers into high gear.
As this well-practiced pattern of seeking solutions to difficult problems by way of interweaving intuition with analytical reasoning has proven successful, repeatedly, I place my faith in this belief: With the emergence of insight into deeper truth, my mind can spotlight the narrow scope of a negatively focused attitude, which, having been buried subconsciously, during childhood, caused coils of tension to build up and tighten until a self-defeating mind set that felt set in stone shaped up, over time. Once insight shines its spotlight on this self defeatist mind set, which has weighed heavy on my spirit since childhood, no one feels more surprised than positively-focused me.
As insight into deeper truth coaxes coils of negatively-focused tension to relax, the magnitude of this transformative moment demonstrates my processor's capacity for embracing an expansive, open-minded semblance of re-balance between emotion and logic. With balance restored, my think tank's agile ability to brainstorm toward workable solutions resumes, naturally.
If you ask how this solution-seeking agility, which meets with success with a high degree of consistency, developed, I'd reply: Just as I've honed my professional ability to calm the minds of thousands of people who, over these past thirty-five years, have sought me out whenever their ability to brainstorm toward workable solutions feels stymied, I've consciously coached my personal skill set to calm my mind on the spot when need for problem solving acuity is my own.
Each time I feel compelled to write a post, detailing my inner most thoughts, it's as though Socrates is whispering each word into my ear. For example, his spirit might suggest that I say: We may be born smart; however wisdom is absorbed each time humility chooses a path where strings of reflective insight into deeper truth brighten our think tanks' ability to understand situations which, at first, had felt so complicated that contemplation exacerbated mental confusion for this reason: The clashing diversity of our emotional reactions had need to be simplified down to a common denominator before comprehension dawns. Once this clash of emotional reactions is understood by the logical portion of the brain, insight, highlighting the solution (which had been lost in the foggy swirl of contrasting emotional reactions) emerges clear as day. And once clarity, into deeper truth is mine, I can see that the simplicity of this solution is based in the fact that logic and emotion must feel rebalanced before everyone's needs are considered, all around.
Once a brain swirl, caused by clashing emotional reactions crashing like discordant cymbals, have had time to quiet within my head, simplicity of thought (which proves to be inherent to the brain's ability to absorb step-by-step problem solving skills), slips out of the logical portion of my mind, and each time the self confident side of my thought processor gives birth to a simple solution, based in insight into deeper truth, no one feels more astounded than me. In fact, as soon as the spirit of Socrates swoops down to whisper words of insight in my ear, I feel compelled to simplify a train of thought, which has already been published, so that you and I can play witness to my processor working to accomplish that which feels like a well-practiced acrobatic feat.
Countless times, over these past thirty years, my think tank has absorbed the importance of taking a spontaneous time-out to consciously calm my thought processor in order to regain a sense of balance between emotion and logic whenever solution seeking, on the spot, proves necessary. And with that thought in mind, I gave my kids permission to respectfully suggest my taking time out to calm down when it was obvious that my brain felt too agitated to think calmly and clearly. With years of practice under my belt, taking time out to calm my processor during the heat of conflict became second nature to me.
If you ask how I can redirect this change for the better to take place inside my head during the heat of the moment, I'd reply: Emergent from within the depths of my mind exists this self confident belief: My think tank has grown practiced at drawing forth trains of thought that massage coils of tension, which layer up within my brain. As coils of tension, based in negatively focused, self-defeating attitudes, relax, I am amazed at my mindset's flexibility to expand at least enough to 'see' over defensive walls, which had blocked my ability to brainstorm, naturally.
Once all sense of negativity, born of a subconscious attitude of undeserved guilt, has been swept away, my conscious mind calms enough to tame unruly emotional reactiveness behind my well-practiced line of control, and thus is do I feel wholly free to brainstorm toward a sensible solution, which, at first, my think tank had felt too 'scatter-brained' to see. Once a rebalanced, mind-expanding sense of clarity is mine, insight into deeper truth emerges, suggesting that the simplicity of a sensible solution has been within reach, all along
With balance between emotion and logic restored, my innate potential to connect problem solving agility with creative thinking, frees my self confidence to step up to the plate, and each time that trio of well-practiced personal strengths interact like a seasoned team, it's not unusual for my think tank to hit an open-minded train of thought out of the park. This is not ego boasting. This is experiential success, concerning clear-minded brainstorming, voicing its successful batting average. And if you've read stories, penned in the past, you already know me to be candid about describing self-defeating attitudes, based in negatively focused mind sets, which lead me straight toward making mistakes in judgement before a sense of objective reflection releases a series of insights that serve to refocus my ability to simplify a plan so precisely as to empower my think tank to meet with brainstorming success by considering the needs of everyone concerned (though, at times, it proves difficult to figure out how to include my own).
Though Babe Ruth struck out more times than he hit homers, he never stopped swinging for the fences. And just as we attribute his success to practice and self confidence, swinging for the fences is what I've come to expect of myself, each time my brainstorming skills are tested by a worthy opponent.
It's important to note that in the absence of feeling balanced, My think tank feels vulnerable to making decisions, which, over time, prove irreconcilable to my spirit's need to thrive. It's after my mind feels calm enough to reflect objectively over past mistakes that my ability to brainstorm toward new possibilities sweeps disillusionment, leading toward self-defeat, out the door.
Once self-defeating mindsets, based in self destructive trains of thought are swept 'clear' out of my mind, space opens within my think tank for hope to revitalize. Hope for what? I have no more clue than you, except for this: Each time the negative side of this thought processing cycle comes full circle, the constructive idea of 'hope-for-who-knows-what-may-happen-next' proves enough to re-energize my spirit with positively focused possibility.
When it comes to embracing the unknown with a stout heart, I need not know exactly what opportunity may hold out to me, next. Instead of needing to know where each next step will take me, I just need to remember to approach the great unknown with self confidence, courage, humility—and a patient sense of curiosity intact. And here is why that proves true for me: Given time, my brain-storming history comes through for me, repeatedly ...
PS
Sat down, last night, to watch TV. Placed my far-sighted glasses on, and much to my delight, my brain's sense of clarity directed me to take them off, suggesting that this first stage of re-adjustment, following my second cataract surgery, has already met with success. Books and computer screens remain fuzzy, because my brain requires more time to refocus close up vision, and once again, you'll find me a firm believer that with knowledge, positive focus and patience intact, all will be well, concerning change for the better, as the future unfolds, one day at a time. BTW, something funny happened during my post-op visit with the surgeon, yesterday, which I'll enjoy sharing with you, some time soon.
As for right now, here's my plan for today: It's nearly time to open my front door with a warm spirited smile, because a very special little person, whose sweet natured presence has won my heart, is coming to play ...
Monday, May 4, 2015
1314 MY MIND FELT NEED TO COAST WHILE DEEPER TRUTH ABSORBED, NATURALLY
2015
During the week before our last house guests arrived, my interest turned toward editing one of the children's books that my young writing partner, Katy, and I had placed on a back burner, several years ago. Coincidentally, Katy, called to say that she'd felt drawn to do the same. I love when that happens! Kindred minds, leaping, intuitively, unexpectedly, upon the same wavelength, simultaneously ...
Then, our house guests arrived, and my mind absorbed reason for two pathways (editing these children's books and penning posts) to converge for this reason: Throughout the weekend, conversations, initiated by one of our two guests, enticed me to reconsider my decision to place my blog on hold for an undefined length of time. You see, my guest (who attributes my blog to inspiring her to delve more deeply into grasping why she'd unknowingly adopted a certain role while growing up in her family), asked me questions, concerning why I believe my three sons grew up to be a trio of fast friends.
The fact that these questions had been asked of me at a time when my interest in blogging was waining in favor of re-investing my time and energy in editing the first in a series of whimsical tales, concerning the importance of creating an emotional environment in which each person in the family absorbs the value of mutual respect, inspired my think tank to consider the merits of embracing both tasks (posting true stories, brimming with insight, for adults and penning fanciful, insight-driven stories for children, concerning the development of self discipline) simultaneously. Hopefully, if this expansion of my original mindset finds me capable of nurturing both passions, at once, my comfort zone will feel more at ease than when I'd thought to close the door on one in favor of the other ...
As it is common for our thought processors to ping pong, back and forth, when inner conflict won't quit, I've become practiced at relaxing my decision-making process until my mind calms enough to draw forth a sense of intuitive thought that emerges from deep within my psyche. And following the emergence of intuitive thought comes insight into deeper truth, which kicks my reasoning powers into high gear. As this well-practiced pattern of seeking solutions to difficult problems by way of interweaving intuition with analytical reasoning has proven successful, repeatedly, I place my faith in this belief: With the emergence of insight into deeper truth, my mind can spotlight the narrow scope of a negatively focused attitude, which, over time, caused coils of subconscious tension to tighten until a self-defeating mind set that felt set in stone shaped up.
Once coils of negatively focused tension have been coaxed to relax, my processor is capable of embracing an expansive, open-minded semblance of re-balance between emotion and logic. With balance restored, my think tank's agile ability to brainstorm toward workable solutions resumes—naturally. If you ask how this solution-seeking agility, which meets with success with a high degree of consistency, developed, I'd reply: I've coached my personal skill set to absorb my professional ability to calm the minds of thousands of people who, over these past thirty-five years, have sought me out whenever brainstorming toward workable solutions proved necessary. In other words, my think tank came to recognize the importance of taking time to consciously calm myself in order to regain a sense of balance between emotion and logic when the problem at hand was mine. And with that thought in mind, I gave my kids permission to respectfully suggest my taking time out to calm down when my brain felt too irritated to think clearly. With years of practice under my belt, taking time out to calm my processor during the heat of conflict became second nature to me.
If you ask how I can redirect this change for the better to take place inside my head during the heat of the moment, I'd reply: Emergent from within the depths of my mind exists this self confident belief: My think tank has grown capable of conjuring up trains of thought that massage coils of tension, which layer up within my brain. As coils of tension, based in negatively focused, self-defeating attitudes, relax, I am amazed at my mindset's ability to expand enough to 'see' over defensive walls, which had blocked my ability to brainstorm, naturally, until all sense of negativity, based in a subconscious attitude of undeserved guilt, has been swept away. Once my conscious mind has calmed enough to tame unruly emotional reactiveness behind my well-practiced line of control, my whole brain is free to brainstorm toward a solution, which, at first, I'd felt too 'scatter-brained' to see. Once a rebalanced, mind-expanding sense of clarity is mine, insight into deeper truth emerges, suggesting that this solution had been within reach, all along.
With balance between emotion and logic restored, my innate potential to connect problem solving agility with creative thinking, frees my self confidence to step up to the plate and each time that trio of well-practiced, personal strengths takes a swing at the problem, it's not unusual for my think tank to hit an open-minded homer out of the park. This is not ego boasting. This is experiential success, concerning brainstorming, voicing its successful batting average. And if you've read stories, penned in the past, you already know me to be candid about describing self-defeating attitudes, based in negatively focused mind sets, which led me straight toward making mistakes in judgement before a sense of objective reflection refocused my sights until my ability to detail a plan proved so precise as to have met with brainstorming success for everyone concerned. Though Babe Ruth struck out more times than he hit homers when he came up to bat, he never stopped swinging for the fences, and just as we attribute his success to self confidence, swinging for the fences is what I've come to expect of myself, each time my brainstorming skills are tested by a worthy opponent.
In the absence of feeling balanced, I prove every bit as vulnerable to making decisions that, over time, prove irreconcilable to my spirit's need to thrive as anyone else. It's after my mind feels calm enough to reflect objectively over past mistakes that my ability to brainstorm toward new possibilities sweeps disillusionment, leading toward self-defeat, out the door. Once self-destructive mindsets, based in self defeating trains of thought are swept 'clear' out of my mind, space opens within my think tank for hope to revitalize. Hope for what? I have no more clue than you, except for this: Each time the negative side of this cycle comes full circle, the constructive idea of 'hope-for-who-knows-what-may-happen-next' proves enough to re-energize my positively focused spirit.
When it comes to embracing the unknown, with a stout heart, I need not know exactly what may fall into my lap, next. Instead of needing to know what each next stage of life may offer me that causes my mindsets to expand, I just need to approach each unexpected change with self confidence, courage, humility—and curiosity intact.
After our guests flew home, my thoughts turned to surgery, scheduled for the next day, so intuition directed me to seek out my patio swing in hopes of coaxing apprehensive thoughts to relax. While swaying, peacefully, back and forth with a refreshing glass of fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice in hand, I absorbed a glowing review in a magazine, concerning a novel, whose title had peaked my interest, and as intuition whispered into my ear, I arose from the swing, went in search of my iPad and making swift use of Amazon Prime, I ordered it.
Holy smokes!
I think sparks of insight are firing off while
Intuitive thought is wholly engaged in writing this post, right now!
I say 'I think', because clarity is not yet mine.
All I can say for certain, concerning where this post is going, is this:
The novel arrived over night, and my mind was immersed in reading GOD HELP THE CHILD by Toni Morrison, winner of The Nobel Prize, when suddenly, I felt a sense of connection click, and within seconds, I began to understand why intuition gagged my positively focused bent toward story-telling, several months back.
If you ask me to describe the insight that made me close Morrison's novel, pick up my iPad and watch this post write itself, word by word, here it comes: Over these last few months, I've been denying a deepening awareness of disillusionment concerning my ability to motivate adults to search ever more deeply within themselves in hopes of uncovering negatively focused beliefs, based in one-tracked trains of thought, absorbed during childhood, which, over time, have solidified self defeating attitudes into close-minded stones.
As one insight sparks more, here comes the next insight that lit up painfully but gainfully within my conscious mind: No matter how many seeds of common sense I've planted with loving kindness, closed-minded stones, firmly set in sludge, cannot be coaxed to roll themselves up hill in hopes of nurturing personal growth. Why not? Personal growth requires the fertile soil of open-minded toil.
No wonder why I prefer to brainstorm with the young, whose minds prove as open and agile to accommodating change as their energy levels feel boundless ...
No wonder why my conscious mind refused to review my pronouncement of disillusionment, which this post clarifies, at last. Deeper truth suggests that I did not fear your absorption of my train of thought. I'd feared absorbing my thoughts, myself.
(As this train of thought proves lengthy, you might want to take a break, right here ...)
Originally, I had no clue what drew me to order Morrison's novella from Amazon Prime. Generally, her use of symbolism proves too dark for my sensitivities. However, after writing 'I prefer to brainstorm with the young', intuition drew my mind toward the title of this particular story (in which the misery of children is based in their unanswered need to converse intimately with adults, who have no clue that repressed rage is the primary reason why people who love each other fail to connect at deeply intimate emotional levels. How sad it is to note that as each generation of open-minded, zealous youth enter middle age, a vast majority find themselves compressed within the center of the bell-shaped curve, where, feeling stuck in place, disillusionment sets in, and as long as the moral majority feels as blindly close-minded to each person's need to create change-for-the-better, all too many end up griping about the same disappointments as did the adults who had raised us. Sigh!
Upon reflection, I've worn my brain to the bone, thrice ... placing myself amongst those who labor, tirelessly, pulling the weight of that bell shaped curve forward along the timeline in hopes of meeting the future, head on. Ultimately, this proves exhausting, because society's forward movement toward change is known to crawl at a snail's pace. In fact, reflection suggests that the only way I'd allowed myself to experience a moment of relaxation was by knocking myself out.
Time and again, I'd forget to remember 'the myth of movement', meaning that it can be difficult for me to discern those times when expansive-thinking processes are actually taking place vs times when my hopeful quest for change-for-the-better 'sees' progress where reality suggests that no hint of movement toward improvement exists, at all.
Recently, having coached myself to let go of that rope, I've chosen to walk forward on my own, not to be confused with walking alone, for this reason: Today, I choose to keep company with those who feel free to hold my hand while, together, we meet the future head on, and as we walk and talk, we tend to agree about this or brainstorm when conflicting trains of thought clash about 'that' until, step by step, we find common ground where conflicts tend to resolve more respectfully, less painfully, than had been true when, though connected by a line made of love, one pulled back while the other pulled forward, until such time as the line of open communications felt so taught as to have sadly, created a gap that snapped—unnecessarily ...
And that last train of thought makes me ask: When does the open-minded inquisitiveness of youth transform to closed-minded, stone-like attitudes, commonly attributed to middle aged adults? BTW, I asked when rather than why because common knowledge suggests that, over time, young minds unknowingly adopt more of our parents' disillusioned attitudes than not—hook, line and sinker—though, classically, we deny that as true:
You're reacting just like your father! (Mother)
No I'm not!
Yes you are!
Have you ever thought to ask which of your parents' negatively focused attitudes may have been unknowingly absorbed by your brain? Brings to mind the title of another insight-driven book, authored, years ago:
MY MOTHER, MYSELF
While my mind absorbed the secret childhood misery, which proved universal to each character presented in Morrison's novel, GOD HELP THE CHILD my intuitive connection with the unmet needs of children, which prove timeless throughout the world, continued to tick, tick, tick within my mind as if the hands of a clock were marking that moment when insight into myself would light up with such alarming clarity as to trigger this thought, which I've heard myself say aloud, repeatedly:
For the most part, I enjoy interacting with the minds of children more than adults for this reason:
Generally speaking, the mind of a very young child is bright, pliable and eager to absorb plans of action that create change for the better when, over the long run, bite-sized bits of knowledge are presented with authenticity, assertiveness, patience and kindness intact.
As each insight-driven plan guided my children to grow into adults with open minds, concerning owning up to the need to identify and correct mistakes, ever more graciously, over time, we watched self respect deepen, proportionately, as eventual success proved exponentially apparent. And thus, as each step toward self respect is taken, along life's pathway, we come to see why, eventually, certain spirits fly independent of parental approval while others feel they cannot accept changes in societal values, which, though timely, would have caused their parents to frown with disapproval.
That last train of thought brings this memory to mind:
Once my Grandma Ella had passed, my mother chose not to keep kosher. And every time her knife sliced through a sandwich made of turkey and cheese, Mom sliced through her peace of mind, as well. Retrospectively, Mom felt as though making any decision for herself that her mother would disapprove of was disrespectful of her mother's memory. In this way, did my mother lay undeserved guilt upon her own head. When Dad passed, Mom, whose beauty defied age, dismissed any man who'd tried to woo her. She said she was revering the memory of Dad's love for her. However, hving been told, repeatedly, how shy Mom had been when—seen as a curvaceous young woman—men had been in hot pursuit, I believe her lack of experience catalyzed her youthful sense of shyness to re-emerge, and as her original mindset shaped into a fearful attitude, concerning intimacy with men, I watched my 87 year old mother revert back to ancient reactions, which had remained subconsciously unresolved, deep inside her mind.
Knowing that many of you have reason to feel skeptical of my conviction, concerning disciplining children with consequential kindness rather than punitive means, I'll offer you many short stories that will demonstrate this next insight as being true much more often than not: The decision-making process that takes place in the young mind is likely to be based in the common good when the emotional environment nurtures a positively focused, loving sense of mutually respectful safety that inspires children to develop the ability to brainstorm away from rebellious dissension in favor of brainstorming towarn cooperation, over time. You see, once a sense of deeply respected, emotional safety has taken root within everyone's mind there's little reason for anyone in the family to harbor repressed feelings of resentment that excite a riot of rebelliousness to arise each time reason for conflict disrupts peace of mind.
I mean, think about it: Would you feel more inspired to learn to cooperate when leadership creates an emotionally light-hearted environment or when the dark cloud of impending punishment hangs over your head?
How often have I been asked to answer this question: Annie, how did you manage to raise three children, who have grown to be strong and sensitive, creative and responsible, compassionate and uniquely successful adults, all of whom have become your intimate, supportive friends as well as each other's?
During the week before our last house guests arrived, my interest turned toward editing one of the children's books that my young writing partner, Katy, and I had placed on a back burner, several years ago. Coincidentally, Katy, called to say that she'd felt drawn to do the same. I love when that happens! Kindred minds, leaping, intuitively, unexpectedly, upon the same wavelength, simultaneously ...
Then, our house guests arrived, and my mind absorbed reason for two pathways (editing these children's books and penning posts) to converge for this reason: Throughout the weekend, conversations, initiated by one of our two guests, enticed me to reconsider my decision to place my blog on hold for an undefined length of time. You see, my guest (who attributes my blog to inspiring her to delve more deeply into grasping why she'd unknowingly adopted a certain role while growing up in her family), asked me questions, concerning why I believe my three sons grew up to be a trio of fast friends.
The fact that these questions had been asked of me at a time when my interest in blogging was waining in favor of re-investing my time and energy in editing the first in a series of whimsical tales, concerning the importance of creating an emotional environment in which each person in the family absorbs the value of mutual respect, inspired my think tank to consider the merits of embracing both tasks (posting true stories, brimming with insight, for adults and penning fanciful, insight-driven stories for children, concerning the development of self discipline) simultaneously. Hopefully, if this expansion of my original mindset finds me capable of nurturing both passions, at once, my comfort zone will feel more at ease than when I'd thought to close the door on one in favor of the other ...
As it is common for our thought processors to ping pong, back and forth, when inner conflict won't quit, I've become practiced at relaxing my decision-making process until my mind calms enough to draw forth a sense of intuitive thought that emerges from deep within my psyche. And following the emergence of intuitive thought comes insight into deeper truth, which kicks my reasoning powers into high gear. As this well-practiced pattern of seeking solutions to difficult problems by way of interweaving intuition with analytical reasoning has proven successful, repeatedly, I place my faith in this belief: With the emergence of insight into deeper truth, my mind can spotlight the narrow scope of a negatively focused attitude, which, over time, caused coils of subconscious tension to tighten until a self-defeating mind set that felt set in stone shaped up.
Once coils of negatively focused tension have been coaxed to relax, my processor is capable of embracing an expansive, open-minded semblance of re-balance between emotion and logic. With balance restored, my think tank's agile ability to brainstorm toward workable solutions resumes—naturally. If you ask how this solution-seeking agility, which meets with success with a high degree of consistency, developed, I'd reply: I've coached my personal skill set to absorb my professional ability to calm the minds of thousands of people who, over these past thirty-five years, have sought me out whenever brainstorming toward workable solutions proved necessary. In other words, my think tank came to recognize the importance of taking time to consciously calm myself in order to regain a sense of balance between emotion and logic when the problem at hand was mine. And with that thought in mind, I gave my kids permission to respectfully suggest my taking time out to calm down when my brain felt too irritated to think clearly. With years of practice under my belt, taking time out to calm my processor during the heat of conflict became second nature to me.
If you ask how I can redirect this change for the better to take place inside my head during the heat of the moment, I'd reply: Emergent from within the depths of my mind exists this self confident belief: My think tank has grown capable of conjuring up trains of thought that massage coils of tension, which layer up within my brain. As coils of tension, based in negatively focused, self-defeating attitudes, relax, I am amazed at my mindset's ability to expand enough to 'see' over defensive walls, which had blocked my ability to brainstorm, naturally, until all sense of negativity, based in a subconscious attitude of undeserved guilt, has been swept away. Once my conscious mind has calmed enough to tame unruly emotional reactiveness behind my well-practiced line of control, my whole brain is free to brainstorm toward a solution, which, at first, I'd felt too 'scatter-brained' to see. Once a rebalanced, mind-expanding sense of clarity is mine, insight into deeper truth emerges, suggesting that this solution had been within reach, all along.
With balance between emotion and logic restored, my innate potential to connect problem solving agility with creative thinking, frees my self confidence to step up to the plate and each time that trio of well-practiced, personal strengths takes a swing at the problem, it's not unusual for my think tank to hit an open-minded homer out of the park. This is not ego boasting. This is experiential success, concerning brainstorming, voicing its successful batting average. And if you've read stories, penned in the past, you already know me to be candid about describing self-defeating attitudes, based in negatively focused mind sets, which led me straight toward making mistakes in judgement before a sense of objective reflection refocused my sights until my ability to detail a plan proved so precise as to have met with brainstorming success for everyone concerned. Though Babe Ruth struck out more times than he hit homers when he came up to bat, he never stopped swinging for the fences, and just as we attribute his success to self confidence, swinging for the fences is what I've come to expect of myself, each time my brainstorming skills are tested by a worthy opponent.
In the absence of feeling balanced, I prove every bit as vulnerable to making decisions that, over time, prove irreconcilable to my spirit's need to thrive as anyone else. It's after my mind feels calm enough to reflect objectively over past mistakes that my ability to brainstorm toward new possibilities sweeps disillusionment, leading toward self-defeat, out the door. Once self-destructive mindsets, based in self defeating trains of thought are swept 'clear' out of my mind, space opens within my think tank for hope to revitalize. Hope for what? I have no more clue than you, except for this: Each time the negative side of this cycle comes full circle, the constructive idea of 'hope-for-who-knows-what-may-happen-next' proves enough to re-energize my positively focused spirit.
When it comes to embracing the unknown, with a stout heart, I need not know exactly what may fall into my lap, next. Instead of needing to know what each next stage of life may offer me that causes my mindsets to expand, I just need to approach each unexpected change with self confidence, courage, humility—and curiosity intact.
After our guests flew home, my thoughts turned to surgery, scheduled for the next day, so intuition directed me to seek out my patio swing in hopes of coaxing apprehensive thoughts to relax. While swaying, peacefully, back and forth with a refreshing glass of fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice in hand, I absorbed a glowing review in a magazine, concerning a novel, whose title had peaked my interest, and as intuition whispered into my ear, I arose from the swing, went in search of my iPad and making swift use of Amazon Prime, I ordered it.
Holy smokes!
I think sparks of insight are firing off while
Intuitive thought is wholly engaged in writing this post, right now!
I say 'I think', because clarity is not yet mine.
All I can say for certain, concerning where this post is going, is this:
The novel arrived over night, and my mind was immersed in reading GOD HELP THE CHILD by Toni Morrison, winner of The Nobel Prize, when suddenly, I felt a sense of connection click, and within seconds, I began to understand why intuition gagged my positively focused bent toward story-telling, several months back.
If you ask me to describe the insight that made me close Morrison's novel, pick up my iPad and watch this post write itself, word by word, here it comes: Over these last few months, I've been denying a deepening awareness of disillusionment concerning my ability to motivate adults to search ever more deeply within themselves in hopes of uncovering negatively focused beliefs, based in one-tracked trains of thought, absorbed during childhood, which, over time, have solidified self defeating attitudes into close-minded stones.
As one insight sparks more, here comes the next insight that lit up painfully but gainfully within my conscious mind: No matter how many seeds of common sense I've planted with loving kindness, closed-minded stones, firmly set in sludge, cannot be coaxed to roll themselves up hill in hopes of nurturing personal growth. Why not? Personal growth requires the fertile soil of open-minded toil.
No wonder why I prefer to brainstorm with the young, whose minds prove as open and agile to accommodating change as their energy levels feel boundless ...
No wonder why my conscious mind refused to review my pronouncement of disillusionment, which this post clarifies, at last. Deeper truth suggests that I did not fear your absorption of my train of thought. I'd feared absorbing my thoughts, myself.
(As this train of thought proves lengthy, you might want to take a break, right here ...)
Originally, I had no clue what drew me to order Morrison's novella from Amazon Prime. Generally, her use of symbolism proves too dark for my sensitivities. However, after writing 'I prefer to brainstorm with the young', intuition drew my mind toward the title of this particular story (in which the misery of children is based in their unanswered need to converse intimately with adults, who have no clue that repressed rage is the primary reason why people who love each other fail to connect at deeply intimate emotional levels. How sad it is to note that as each generation of open-minded, zealous youth enter middle age, a vast majority find themselves compressed within the center of the bell-shaped curve, where, feeling stuck in place, disillusionment sets in, and as long as the moral majority feels as blindly close-minded to each person's need to create change-for-the-better, all too many end up griping about the same disappointments as did the adults who had raised us. Sigh!
Upon reflection, I've worn my brain to the bone, thrice ... placing myself amongst those who labor, tirelessly, pulling the weight of that bell shaped curve forward along the timeline in hopes of meeting the future, head on. Ultimately, this proves exhausting, because society's forward movement toward change is known to crawl at a snail's pace. In fact, reflection suggests that the only way I'd allowed myself to experience a moment of relaxation was by knocking myself out.
Time and again, I'd forget to remember 'the myth of movement', meaning that it can be difficult for me to discern those times when expansive-thinking processes are actually taking place vs times when my hopeful quest for change-for-the-better 'sees' progress where reality suggests that no hint of movement toward improvement exists, at all.
Recently, having coached myself to let go of that rope, I've chosen to walk forward on my own, not to be confused with walking alone, for this reason: Today, I choose to keep company with those who feel free to hold my hand while, together, we meet the future head on, and as we walk and talk, we tend to agree about this or brainstorm when conflicting trains of thought clash about 'that' until, step by step, we find common ground where conflicts tend to resolve more respectfully, less painfully, than had been true when, though connected by a line made of love, one pulled back while the other pulled forward, until such time as the line of open communications felt so taught as to have sadly, created a gap that snapped—unnecessarily ...
And that last train of thought makes me ask: When does the open-minded inquisitiveness of youth transform to closed-minded, stone-like attitudes, commonly attributed to middle aged adults? BTW, I asked when rather than why because common knowledge suggests that, over time, young minds unknowingly adopt more of our parents' disillusioned attitudes than not—hook, line and sinker—though, classically, we deny that as true:
You're reacting just like your father! (Mother)
No I'm not!
Yes you are!
Have you ever thought to ask which of your parents' negatively focused attitudes may have been unknowingly absorbed by your brain? Brings to mind the title of another insight-driven book, authored, years ago:
MY MOTHER, MYSELF
While my mind absorbed the secret childhood misery, which proved universal to each character presented in Morrison's novel, GOD HELP THE CHILD my intuitive connection with the unmet needs of children, which prove timeless throughout the world, continued to tick, tick, tick within my mind as if the hands of a clock were marking that moment when insight into myself would light up with such alarming clarity as to trigger this thought, which I've heard myself say aloud, repeatedly:
For the most part, I enjoy interacting with the minds of children more than adults for this reason:
Generally speaking, the mind of a very young child is bright, pliable and eager to absorb plans of action that create change for the better when, over the long run, bite-sized bits of knowledge are presented with authenticity, assertiveness, patience and kindness intact.
As each insight-driven plan guided my children to grow into adults with open minds, concerning owning up to the need to identify and correct mistakes, ever more graciously, over time, we watched self respect deepen, proportionately, as eventual success proved exponentially apparent. And thus, as each step toward self respect is taken, along life's pathway, we come to see why, eventually, certain spirits fly independent of parental approval while others feel they cannot accept changes in societal values, which, though timely, would have caused their parents to frown with disapproval.
That last train of thought brings this memory to mind:
Once my Grandma Ella had passed, my mother chose not to keep kosher. And every time her knife sliced through a sandwich made of turkey and cheese, Mom sliced through her peace of mind, as well. Retrospectively, Mom felt as though making any decision for herself that her mother would disapprove of was disrespectful of her mother's memory. In this way, did my mother lay undeserved guilt upon her own head. When Dad passed, Mom, whose beauty defied age, dismissed any man who'd tried to woo her. She said she was revering the memory of Dad's love for her. However, hving been told, repeatedly, how shy Mom had been when—seen as a curvaceous young woman—men had been in hot pursuit, I believe her lack of experience catalyzed her youthful sense of shyness to re-emerge, and as her original mindset shaped into a fearful attitude, concerning intimacy with men, I watched my 87 year old mother revert back to ancient reactions, which had remained subconsciously unresolved, deep inside her mind.
Knowing that many of you have reason to feel skeptical of my conviction, concerning disciplining children with consequential kindness rather than punitive means, I'll offer you many short stories that will demonstrate this next insight as being true much more often than not: The decision-making process that takes place in the young mind is likely to be based in the common good when the emotional environment nurtures a positively focused, loving sense of mutually respectful safety that inspires children to develop the ability to brainstorm away from rebellious dissension in favor of brainstorming towarn cooperation, over time. You see, once a sense of deeply respected, emotional safety has taken root within everyone's mind there's little reason for anyone in the family to harbor repressed feelings of resentment that excite a riot of rebelliousness to arise each time reason for conflict disrupts peace of mind.
I mean, think about it: Would you feel more inspired to learn to cooperate when leadership creates an emotionally light-hearted environment or when the dark cloud of impending punishment hangs over your head?
How often have I been asked to answer this question: Annie, how did you manage to raise three children, who have grown to be strong and sensitive, creative and responsible, compassionate and uniquely successful adults, all of whom have become your intimate, supportive friends as well as each other's?
Today, I'd answer quite simply: Being human, no way did I raise my sons perfectly ; however, each was raised the way I'd wished to have been raised, myself—as unique individuals. And each time I chose to read another self help book, which clarified my mistakes, I'd set my ego aside, share each morsel of mind-bending knowledge with my kids and having admitted, openly, to my mistakes, my growing sense of humility led them to follow my lead as each of us, myself included, learned to brainstorm through conflict, like teammates, until proactive plans, which met needs, all around, enticed the cooperative spirit of generosity to develop more deeply within us all. And until proved otherwise, that's what I believe.
(You might want to take another break, here ...)
In recent years, I've had to accept this difficult reality:
Though it's best to live in the present, tis human for the mind to develop a subconscious 'mind of its own', meaning that I find myself wandering back to certain moments, which renew my feeling vulnerable to an emergent sense of heartfelt loss, which, upon filtering through denial's wall, clouds my conscious mind with brief spells of sadness that weight heavy on my spirit—most especially because this recurrent sense of irreplaceable loss would prove unnecessary if brainstorming toward change-for-the-better bespoke of reconciliation to both.
I guess, being human suggests that time spent in reflection must be expected. In fact, in the absence of objective reflection, insight fails to spark, suggesting that 'looking forward' and only forward is not everything it's cracked up to be.
Opening my mind to objective reflection has offered my subconscious reason to open doors to insight-driven plans, which resolved conflicts that would not quit until my conscious mind had time to delve more deeply into specific details that proved unsuccessful in the past. Seen in that light, objective reflection (hindsight) may be considered as scientific in nature as cataract surgery, which strips away cloudy filaments that blur the clarity of our vision.
Each time I muster the courage to view my own little corner of the world with an expanded sense of clarity—which had escaped my sense of conscious awareness, before—my sensitivities experience a painful sense of shock, followed by a period of adjustment while my conscious mind absorbs need of personal growth in some aspect of life. And with each step taken, consciously, toward gains in personal growth, my sense of possibility, concerning reality, expands, yet again.
At times when reality seems to create pain without gain, in truth, I gain a deeper sense of insight into reasons why those who choose to walk forward with me find need to garner as much courage as I do before each of us knowingly takes each next step forward into the great unknown. Though all people, at every age, walk into the great unknown, those who refuse to open their eyes to deeper truth, repressed inside, walk into walls.
Case in point: No matter how many fertile seeds I've worked to plant in recent years, tis been hard to admit to my lack of success at inspiring change-for-the-better to take root within certain adult relationships, which continue to mean the world to me, and if you ask why I could not fully accept that reality until my readiness to strip denial away took place, today, I'd reply: Though denial held disillusionment at bay for quite some time, a sense of deeper truth has continued to filter into my conscious mind, drop by drop, until, ultimately, clarity—which has been on the verge of bursting into bloom—tackled my hopeful sense of positive focus to the mat, at last.
On the other hand, make no mistake, my friends. Today's shot of reality does not mean I've closed the door on hope for change-for-the-better, forever. In fact, today's shot of reality suggests my working toward making this change: I'll not watch my unanswered efforts at reconciliation suck my spirit into a vacuum, as had been true in years past.
Perhaps a portion of the mental cloudiness, attributed to my recent surgery, has actually been due to this last stage of metamorphosis, crystallizing within my conscious mind. I mean seriously, shedding layers of denial, which make up a self-protective shell, is more than mind bending work. Have you ever seen what a chick looks like after it has instinctively pecked it's way out of its shell? Dizzied little thing feels too exhausted to stand up.
On the other hand, it's highly possible that it's taken two weeks for mental clarity, concerning insight into my disillusionment, to emerge, because I've felt distracted, disoriented, bordering on dizziness while a large portion of my brain has been working to absorb change-for-the-better, as the implantation of one of two multi-focal lenses is being proactively absorbed. As my surgeon suggested: Several changes in perception must advance through each stage of re-adjustment before clarity is mine. And in a similar manner, a narrow mindset, working to expand perception, must advance through several stages of re-adjustment before our stressed defense systems allow inner conflict to relax, freeing our sense of wholesomeness to feel at peace within new comfort zones, at last.
You see, common sense suggests that the human brain can concentrate, calmly, on only so much change at one time. And though none of these insights are new to me, somehow my sense of clarity, concerning my need for self-empowerment, has been crystalizing with a greater degree of consistency while writing this post than had been possible, before. In fact, rather than taking a break from blogging, I've been adding strings of insight to this post, paragraph by paragraph, all week.
Tomorrow will see me undergoing surgery number two. As soon as I feel drawn toward story telling as naturally as I've felt compelled to pen this post, I'll pop up on your screeen; however, my newfound sense of clarity suggests that my stories will describe those years when I'd felt inspired to raise my kids in the mindful way that I'd wished to have been raised myself.
As you shall see, each story posted will highlight mistakes of my own, which I learned to identify while absorbing insights, authored by professionals, whose self-help books concerning the welfare of children, concentrated on the benefits of positively focused discipline. One book in particular is titled: HOW TO DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE (from crib to college).
As you watch me muster the humility to admit to my own mistakes, you'll see me pack my 'baggage' and set sail on an intuitive, step-by-step, quest to absorb knowledge, concerning common sensical approaches to disciplining with love in hopes of inspiring life-long bonds of friendship to develop within our home. Then, upon feeling flushed with success, you'll witness my quest expand to sharing my passion for positive discipline with parents, hoping to raise offspring, whose relationships would not simulate that which had been true of Cain and Abel. Over time, my petchance for planting seeds of open-minded attitudes—which, upon fertilizing steps toward personal growth, create change-for-the-better—offered countless families sound reason to brainstorm toward resolving conflicts, respectfully and thus peaceably—beginning with my own.
So what reality, you may ask, has denial refused to allow my mind to swallow in the past few years? The fact that my allegiance to the concept of win/win could not accept—win some, lose some.
(This might be a good place for break number three)
Just as insight-driven plans met with success, time and again, year in and year out, while my children and I learned to brainstorm through conflict with positive focus intact, our strong sense of teamwork continues to motivate each of us to confer with each other whenever life tosses one of us another unexpected challenge, to this very day. And as the development of each plan of action has eventually met with success, each downcast spirit has had reason to rise to embrace a renewed sense of personal challenge, which recharges our attachment to thriving once our efforts at brainstorming ignite strings of insight that deepen our understanding of that which had initially gone wrong.
As each short story leads toward the next, you'll see why I've come to believe so strongly that defensive attitudes cause us to shrink back while open-minded attitudes, based in personal growth, re-energize our belief in NEVER GIVE UP WORKING TO ACHIEVE HEARTFELT GOALS, WHICH ONCE ACCOMPLISHED, OFFER YOUR SPIRIT REASON TO SOAR HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE.
In addition to Babe swinging for fences
Do you remember my writing that
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper publisher, who
Admonished the young writer for lacking creativity?
What would you say to the fact that
Louis Pasteur flunked chemistry in high school
Guess folks who know who they are and
What they have to offer figure they have
Sound reason to NGU
As to what I'll feel like writing once this next series of stories has been told, well, your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps, as insights ignite within those stories, I'll have peeled away additional layers of my defensive wall, allowing my comfort zone to expand enough to relate experiences that caused my subconscious to flood with unprocessed fear of personal failure during high school and college, extending into my marriage.
Hopefully, as more of my many-layered wall comes down, I'll gain insight into how best to tell stories, concerning my teen years, stepping toward early adulthood, without invading the privacy of anyone involved. Needless to say, Will has the right of first refusal ...
As to my sons—they gave me carte blanche, years ago.
As to offering you a sense of what to expect once story-telling flows freely onto my screen and yours, I can reveal this: Every story that my comfort zone chooses to write will offer examples of changes that inspired everyone's spirits to lift for this reason: Conflicts resolved and change-for-the-better met with solution-seeking success, because needs were respectfully considered, all around. And generally speaking, here is why each change that we made, working like teammates, produced lasting results—at least thus far: Just as I do not fear exposing a large portion of my vulnerabilities to you, I did not fear admitting my mistakes to my kids. And each time I chose to demonstrate humility while disciplining my temper behind my line of control, my kids watched their role model direct her defensive reactions to sit in a time out chair with a growing sense of consistency, day after day. Then, over time, three little monkey faces, whose active minds absorbed changes developing within their mother's mindful leadership skills, grew up to follow my lead—and thus have all three grown to be adults, who embrace compassionate leadership skills, as well.
Whereas fighting words, suggesting—
You're just like your mother (or father)—
Lead to WWIII in most homes—
That declaration is cause for laughter in our family of five
Why? Because, in the absence of defensive reactiveness
We choose to laugh at the truth
I've found that the true art of creating
A lasting sense of intimacy, connecting two hearts
Depends upon both developing the openness to say:
My first thought's not always my best thought—
Upon reflection, I'm aware of my mistake, and I'm sorry
So, let's start over by brainstorming, together, until
Two minds, landing on the same wavelength, will
Prove better than one, working alone
And once insight into conflict resolution is ours
Both of our minds will feel so peaceful that
Your spirit will lift as will mine ...
Will and I married in March of 1966
Will was twenty-three
I was twenty-two
Will and I became parents in February of 1969
Will was twenty-seven when Barry was born
I was twenty-five when my expansive adventures with motherhood began ...
2015
Wow! For someone who'd thought to delay blogging for an indefinite time, this post exemplifies more of an open-minded, proactive change-for-the-better than I could have perceived possible while conversing with my guest, two weeks ago.
Over these past two weeks, I've felt compelled to add strings of insight to this post for hours, each day, in hopes of clarifying (for myself) why the narrow framework of my original train of thought had sound reason to grow ever more expansive. Why? Well, simplifying the complexity that weighs heavy on my mind has become—my thing.
And as my expanded sense of insight and one brand new eye adjust my sights to 'see' the station appearing on the horizon, I'm feeling ready to send this post into cyberspace, where, hopefully, my musings may offer your thought processor sound reason to reconsider a time when inner conflict may have created tight coils of tension, which had need to relax within your brain before your sense of intuitive thought felt capable of re-examining a mindset that may have required time to expand, one step at a time, before your comfort zone felt able to absorb a plan that offered change-for-the-better, all around.
Seriously, who wouldn't take a leap of faith when a second chance beckons toward reconciling with a special someone, whom you care for so deeply that inner conflict swings, back and forth, from one end of the spectrum to the other, indefinitely?
If you ask why I place so much faith in the power of second chances, I'd reply: So far, every leap of faith that I've chosen to take, generated by intuition, has seen me grow capable of identifying changes that prove necessary if plans, which had met with failure, yesterday, are to succeed—differently—today.
At this late stage of my life, there's very little that makes me feel like a beginner—except growing old—and I plan to move through this next stage of life, searching within for insight, as has been true during each stage that came before. And in hopes that the same may prove true for you, may I respectfully suggest that you offer your mind time to percolate over today's lengthy train of thought, as did I, in order to 'see' if that which you view as 'your truth' has had reason to expand into deeper truth, as did mine, over time.
If you've come to know me, at all, then
I believe you'll agree that when identifying
A mindset that proves incorrigible, time and again—
Here is mine—
I find it nearly impossible to lose sight of hope, concerning
Heartfelt reconciliation, while two people, who care deeply for each other, are
Still on this side of the grass ...
On the other hand, my mindset would adjust to change if I had reason to believe that
One continues to care deeply while the other does not—and as that's not been
My experience, thus far, I'll follow intuitive trains of thought that
Inspire me to take leaps of faith, based in open-minded attitudes that
Have served me well, because—as 'they' say—
So far so good—and—If NGU ain't broke, don't fix it ...
Therefore, please do not mistake my current sense of disillusionment for
Giving up on change-for-the-better—forever—because
I have no more clue as to what change of heart tomorrow may offer me than do you
And with this last train of thought in mind, it becomes apparent that
My life-long connection to a sunny sense of hopefulness outweighs
My current downpour of disillusionment, by far—
And here's why I thank goodness for the fact that I know
Without a doubt that the life I chose freely as my own in the desert has
Offered my spirit much more reason to thrive than to whine:
I finally feel ready to end this lengthy post on an upbeat note that
Provides my positively focused attitude with a bit of breathing room, at last ...
1967
I'm glad to say that after setting the kitchen on fire
The dinner I served—one night, soon after I'd been a bride—was
Surprisingly delicious once Will and I calmed our reactions enough to
Sit down and nourish our hunger with whatever was left of the fruit of my labor ...
(This story will be the first to show up—some time after tomorrow's surgery ...)
(You might want to take another break, here ...)
In recent years, I've had to accept this difficult reality:
Though it's best to live in the present, tis human for the mind to develop a subconscious 'mind of its own', meaning that I find myself wandering back to certain moments, which renew my feeling vulnerable to an emergent sense of heartfelt loss, which, upon filtering through denial's wall, clouds my conscious mind with brief spells of sadness that weight heavy on my spirit—most especially because this recurrent sense of irreplaceable loss would prove unnecessary if brainstorming toward change-for-the-better bespoke of reconciliation to both.
I guess, being human suggests that time spent in reflection must be expected. In fact, in the absence of objective reflection, insight fails to spark, suggesting that 'looking forward' and only forward is not everything it's cracked up to be.
Opening my mind to objective reflection has offered my subconscious reason to open doors to insight-driven plans, which resolved conflicts that would not quit until my conscious mind had time to delve more deeply into specific details that proved unsuccessful in the past. Seen in that light, objective reflection (hindsight) may be considered as scientific in nature as cataract surgery, which strips away cloudy filaments that blur the clarity of our vision.
Each time I muster the courage to view my own little corner of the world with an expanded sense of clarity—which had escaped my sense of conscious awareness, before—my sensitivities experience a painful sense of shock, followed by a period of adjustment while my conscious mind absorbs need of personal growth in some aspect of life. And with each step taken, consciously, toward gains in personal growth, my sense of possibility, concerning reality, expands, yet again.
At times when reality seems to create pain without gain, in truth, I gain a deeper sense of insight into reasons why those who choose to walk forward with me find need to garner as much courage as I do before each of us knowingly takes each next step forward into the great unknown. Though all people, at every age, walk into the great unknown, those who refuse to open their eyes to deeper truth, repressed inside, walk into walls.
Case in point: No matter how many fertile seeds I've worked to plant in recent years, tis been hard to admit to my lack of success at inspiring change-for-the-better to take root within certain adult relationships, which continue to mean the world to me, and if you ask why I could not fully accept that reality until my readiness to strip denial away took place, today, I'd reply: Though denial held disillusionment at bay for quite some time, a sense of deeper truth has continued to filter into my conscious mind, drop by drop, until, ultimately, clarity—which has been on the verge of bursting into bloom—tackled my hopeful sense of positive focus to the mat, at last.
On the other hand, make no mistake, my friends. Today's shot of reality does not mean I've closed the door on hope for change-for-the-better, forever. In fact, today's shot of reality suggests my working toward making this change: I'll not watch my unanswered efforts at reconciliation suck my spirit into a vacuum, as had been true in years past.
Perhaps a portion of the mental cloudiness, attributed to my recent surgery, has actually been due to this last stage of metamorphosis, crystallizing within my conscious mind. I mean seriously, shedding layers of denial, which make up a self-protective shell, is more than mind bending work. Have you ever seen what a chick looks like after it has instinctively pecked it's way out of its shell? Dizzied little thing feels too exhausted to stand up.
On the other hand, it's highly possible that it's taken two weeks for mental clarity, concerning insight into my disillusionment, to emerge, because I've felt distracted, disoriented, bordering on dizziness while a large portion of my brain has been working to absorb change-for-the-better, as the implantation of one of two multi-focal lenses is being proactively absorbed. As my surgeon suggested: Several changes in perception must advance through each stage of re-adjustment before clarity is mine. And in a similar manner, a narrow mindset, working to expand perception, must advance through several stages of re-adjustment before our stressed defense systems allow inner conflict to relax, freeing our sense of wholesomeness to feel at peace within new comfort zones, at last.
You see, common sense suggests that the human brain can concentrate, calmly, on only so much change at one time. And though none of these insights are new to me, somehow my sense of clarity, concerning my need for self-empowerment, has been crystalizing with a greater degree of consistency while writing this post than had been possible, before. In fact, rather than taking a break from blogging, I've been adding strings of insight to this post, paragraph by paragraph, all week.
Tomorrow will see me undergoing surgery number two. As soon as I feel drawn toward story telling as naturally as I've felt compelled to pen this post, I'll pop up on your screeen; however, my newfound sense of clarity suggests that my stories will describe those years when I'd felt inspired to raise my kids in the mindful way that I'd wished to have been raised myself.
As you shall see, each story posted will highlight mistakes of my own, which I learned to identify while absorbing insights, authored by professionals, whose self-help books concerning the welfare of children, concentrated on the benefits of positively focused discipline. One book in particular is titled: HOW TO DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE (from crib to college).
As you watch me muster the humility to admit to my own mistakes, you'll see me pack my 'baggage' and set sail on an intuitive, step-by-step, quest to absorb knowledge, concerning common sensical approaches to disciplining with love in hopes of inspiring life-long bonds of friendship to develop within our home. Then, upon feeling flushed with success, you'll witness my quest expand to sharing my passion for positive discipline with parents, hoping to raise offspring, whose relationships would not simulate that which had been true of Cain and Abel. Over time, my petchance for planting seeds of open-minded attitudes—which, upon fertilizing steps toward personal growth, create change-for-the-better—offered countless families sound reason to brainstorm toward resolving conflicts, respectfully and thus peaceably—beginning with my own.
So what reality, you may ask, has denial refused to allow my mind to swallow in the past few years? The fact that my allegiance to the concept of win/win could not accept—win some, lose some.
(This might be a good place for break number three)
Just as insight-driven plans met with success, time and again, year in and year out, while my children and I learned to brainstorm through conflict with positive focus intact, our strong sense of teamwork continues to motivate each of us to confer with each other whenever life tosses one of us another unexpected challenge, to this very day. And as the development of each plan of action has eventually met with success, each downcast spirit has had reason to rise to embrace a renewed sense of personal challenge, which recharges our attachment to thriving once our efforts at brainstorming ignite strings of insight that deepen our understanding of that which had initially gone wrong.
As each short story leads toward the next, you'll see why I've come to believe so strongly that defensive attitudes cause us to shrink back while open-minded attitudes, based in personal growth, re-energize our belief in NEVER GIVE UP WORKING TO ACHIEVE HEARTFELT GOALS, WHICH ONCE ACCOMPLISHED, OFFER YOUR SPIRIT REASON TO SOAR HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE.
In addition to Babe swinging for fences
Do you remember my writing that
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper publisher, who
Admonished the young writer for lacking creativity?
What would you say to the fact that
Louis Pasteur flunked chemistry in high school
Guess folks who know who they are and
What they have to offer figure they have
Sound reason to NGU
As to what I'll feel like writing once this next series of stories has been told, well, your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps, as insights ignite within those stories, I'll have peeled away additional layers of my defensive wall, allowing my comfort zone to expand enough to relate experiences that caused my subconscious to flood with unprocessed fear of personal failure during high school and college, extending into my marriage.
Hopefully, as more of my many-layered wall comes down, I'll gain insight into how best to tell stories, concerning my teen years, stepping toward early adulthood, without invading the privacy of anyone involved. Needless to say, Will has the right of first refusal ...
As to my sons—they gave me carte blanche, years ago.
As to offering you a sense of what to expect once story-telling flows freely onto my screen and yours, I can reveal this: Every story that my comfort zone chooses to write will offer examples of changes that inspired everyone's spirits to lift for this reason: Conflicts resolved and change-for-the-better met with solution-seeking success, because needs were respectfully considered, all around. And generally speaking, here is why each change that we made, working like teammates, produced lasting results—at least thus far: Just as I do not fear exposing a large portion of my vulnerabilities to you, I did not fear admitting my mistakes to my kids. And each time I chose to demonstrate humility while disciplining my temper behind my line of control, my kids watched their role model direct her defensive reactions to sit in a time out chair with a growing sense of consistency, day after day. Then, over time, three little monkey faces, whose active minds absorbed changes developing within their mother's mindful leadership skills, grew up to follow my lead—and thus have all three grown to be adults, who embrace compassionate leadership skills, as well.
Whereas fighting words, suggesting—
You're just like your mother (or father)—
Lead to WWIII in most homes—
That declaration is cause for laughter in our family of five
Why? Because, in the absence of defensive reactiveness
We choose to laugh at the truth
I've found that the true art of creating
A lasting sense of intimacy, connecting two hearts
Depends upon both developing the openness to say:
My first thought's not always my best thought—
Upon reflection, I'm aware of my mistake, and I'm sorry
So, let's start over by brainstorming, together, until
Two minds, landing on the same wavelength, will
Prove better than one, working alone
And once insight into conflict resolution is ours
Both of our minds will feel so peaceful that
Your spirit will lift as will mine ...
Will and I married in March of 1966
Will was twenty-three
I was twenty-two
Will and I became parents in February of 1969
Will was twenty-seven when Barry was born
I was twenty-five when my expansive adventures with motherhood began ...
2015
Wow! For someone who'd thought to delay blogging for an indefinite time, this post exemplifies more of an open-minded, proactive change-for-the-better than I could have perceived possible while conversing with my guest, two weeks ago.
Over these past two weeks, I've felt compelled to add strings of insight to this post for hours, each day, in hopes of clarifying (for myself) why the narrow framework of my original train of thought had sound reason to grow ever more expansive. Why? Well, simplifying the complexity that weighs heavy on my mind has become—my thing.
And as my expanded sense of insight and one brand new eye adjust my sights to 'see' the station appearing on the horizon, I'm feeling ready to send this post into cyberspace, where, hopefully, my musings may offer your thought processor sound reason to reconsider a time when inner conflict may have created tight coils of tension, which had need to relax within your brain before your sense of intuitive thought felt capable of re-examining a mindset that may have required time to expand, one step at a time, before your comfort zone felt able to absorb a plan that offered change-for-the-better, all around.
Seriously, who wouldn't take a leap of faith when a second chance beckons toward reconciling with a special someone, whom you care for so deeply that inner conflict swings, back and forth, from one end of the spectrum to the other, indefinitely?
If you ask why I place so much faith in the power of second chances, I'd reply: So far, every leap of faith that I've chosen to take, generated by intuition, has seen me grow capable of identifying changes that prove necessary if plans, which had met with failure, yesterday, are to succeed—differently—today.
At this late stage of my life, there's very little that makes me feel like a beginner—except growing old—and I plan to move through this next stage of life, searching within for insight, as has been true during each stage that came before. And in hopes that the same may prove true for you, may I respectfully suggest that you offer your mind time to percolate over today's lengthy train of thought, as did I, in order to 'see' if that which you view as 'your truth' has had reason to expand into deeper truth, as did mine, over time.
If you've come to know me, at all, then
I believe you'll agree that when identifying
A mindset that proves incorrigible, time and again—
Here is mine—
I find it nearly impossible to lose sight of hope, concerning
Heartfelt reconciliation, while two people, who care deeply for each other, are
Still on this side of the grass ...
On the other hand, my mindset would adjust to change if I had reason to believe that
One continues to care deeply while the other does not—and as that's not been
My experience, thus far, I'll follow intuitive trains of thought that
Inspire me to take leaps of faith, based in open-minded attitudes that
Have served me well, because—as 'they' say—
So far so good—and—If NGU ain't broke, don't fix it ...
Therefore, please do not mistake my current sense of disillusionment for
Giving up on change-for-the-better—forever—because
I have no more clue as to what change of heart tomorrow may offer me than do you
And with this last train of thought in mind, it becomes apparent that
My life-long connection to a sunny sense of hopefulness outweighs
My current downpour of disillusionment, by far—
And here's why I thank goodness for the fact that I know
Without a doubt that the life I chose freely as my own in the desert has
Offered my spirit much more reason to thrive than to whine:
I finally feel ready to end this lengthy post on an upbeat note that
Provides my positively focused attitude with a bit of breathing room, at last ...
1967
I'm glad to say that after setting the kitchen on fire
The dinner I served—one night, soon after I'd been a bride—was
Surprisingly delicious once Will and I calmed our reactions enough to
Sit down and nourish our hunger with whatever was left of the fruit of my labor ...
(This story will be the first to show up—some time after tomorrow's surgery ...)
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